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Anything that feels bad is not me.

Sometimes that is hard to remember. Sometimes it take a few tries before it starts to register. Sometimes I have to repeat it over and over, again and again. However at this point, it always does, sink in that is, and my trajectory is a shorter path in general than it used to be. My average shift time is much shorter than it used to be.

At one point in my life I was mostly down with an occaisional up day. Then I met Nathan and had more ups than downs. Eventually my rough days began to glom together and I would have long patches of rough emotional waters, with some fairly consistent even keeled moods in between.

Nathan pointed out, that at one point it was fairly common for those patches to last 2 or 3 weeks. Then Abraham Hicks started to make sense to me. I was finally in vibrational vicinity to comprehend the messages, but not completely.

Much frustration, anger, and many excuses later, I genuinely started trying to figure out the law of attraction. I asked for things, and several of them have slowly manifested over the last 5 years.

The online relationship that stung so much, was somewhat helpful to my journey. Despite the ghosting, games, and lies, I did benefit. It lifted my spirits at times, sometimes in a moment of neeed, but sometimes it took a good mood to spectacular. It also was encouragement enough to focus better on how I was feeling. Everytime that I would get hung up on that person I would talk it out, or write it out and get myself into a place of feeling better. I also, was able to notice when I was in alignment, not just in my own self, but with the person I was conversing with. I could feel the rightness or wrongness in what was being focused on. It was a powerful learning tool to fine tune what I had already started to work on.

Regardless as to whether my prior efforts were the cause, or if it was because of the connection found, my efforts began to improve. What would once have been weeks to climb out of a negative hole, became days, maybe a solid week. Then, despite being upset over being ghosted repeatedly, my refractory period shrunk even farther. I was able to skrink it to 2-3 days, then even to 1-2 days.

Now this week I was able to climb out 3 seperate times in less than 2 hours. Of courese the triggers did not seem as bad as some of my past triggers, but one definitely was, and everything is perception to begin with. What mattered was that even though I fell into emotional distress, I remained calm and civil to others, I was able to communicate about necessary topics, and as soon as I was able I withdrew and fixed the emotional side of the scale. That is simply huge to me.

Only someone that has had a similar journey would truly understand what that is like. I went from chronic suicidal depression (mainly triggered by undiagnosed thyroid concerns and a latent chronic viral infection) to being able to find my own internal happy in less than two hours, and I’m even able to control the medical needs as well.

Yes, it took me years to accomplish, but in those 15 years, I sought external help twice. Once in Iowa from the regional psych department that tried a few medications over a period of about 3 months (none of which sovled it), and once here in KC utilizing a low-income sliding-scale therapy service for 12 of a possible 14 weekly visits. Beyond that, I figured out the thyroid concerns, I did my own research and labwork, I took my care into my own hands, becasue none of the MD’s I tried were willing to put very much effort into their own jobs.

I have literally and figuratively kept myself alive and helped myself to find healing in a most spectacular way.

Now I am finally beginning to see my efforts paying off.

I have manifested several things that I desired, I have a stable home, a decent family vehicle, and my body is skrinking (I feel like that last one is picking up speed). I have yet to do a new round of labwork, but based on my daily physical experience, I suspect that those results should also be improving. If they aren’t yet, I’ll chaulk it up to lag time, and this recent development of feeling detached and having minimal desires. The former being a side effect of the law of attraction, and the latter possibly producing some sort of stasis. I’m honestly not sure though, it’s just such a different feeling place to be in, I’m not sure of any intrepretation yet.

Part of me feels like not really wanting anything might take me too far from the moving leading-edge, and potentially cause my own croaking experience. On the other hand it could really be my best personal description of Abraham’s ideal free flowing space. I simply don’t know yet, all I know is that when I am there I feel good inside, and it feels so good that literally nothing else outside of me matters too aweful much. It is such a peaceful, content place, and I just want to be there all of the time.

So far, I have noticed a few small moments with people, which imply that my time feeling like that may be helping in other ways. I have also noticed that my Reiki skills seem to have gotten a boost, because I am feeling the energy flow more strongly.

Otherwise, it just feels good, and my inclination is to meditate frequently to encourage the feeling. Lately at work I have been taking every opportunity to sit staring at my salt lamp, and it is wonderful how quickly the peaceful sensations spread, starting at my 3rd eye and migrating though my body to crown and heart.

If I described the sensations as if they were palpable with the 5 senses, it would do a severe injustice to how it actually feels. It truly is a sense of peace that slowly makes it’s way through every cell and gradually dissolves all my aches and crunchy spots. The longer I have to do this, the more of my body is able to fully relax and realign. It is simply amazing to me, especially acknowledging where I came from.

I look forward to more of those moments, and whatever results come from them, no matter what that means in this phyical 3-D life ecperience. Whether it means feeling at home in my here and now of every moment, or if it means finding my eternal home.

May you have peaceful moments of healing. May you easily find your internal happy place as frequently as possible. May you experience genuine divine healing and see the results of that show up quickly. May you have your ideal body and your ideal life and find that detachment is really a good easy place to be. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Sometimes Dreams are Just Dreams

That was my afternoon and I thought of the serenity prayer as a result.

I spent all of my working hours thinking about things that would be really nice to experience. Followed by, it’s okay though, I am alright regardless.

It felt good to just let dreams be dreams. To acknowledge that the likelihood of any of it was improbable, but that it would be amazing if it weren’t. I focused on all the good things I wanted to see and hear, things I’d love to have others do or say, places to go, things to do. Then acknowledged over and over again that regardless of any of it, I am okay and will be for a long time to come.

Sometimes dreams, especially daydreams, are just a tool to feel good.

I even acknowledged that maybe my childhood dreams of Atira were just that. It was me dreaming up things that made the world a better place, because my world didn’t feel that good. Atira was me wanting to feel loved, and feel supported. Atira was me wanting to feel like an important part of something, like I mattered, and like I could go and do fun things and help people. Atira was abundant and fun and friendly. Atira was safe strong homes compared to our trailer home. All of the things missing in my childhood were embodied in my dreams of Atira.

And so, I sat today and acknowledged the many elements that I have accomplished. I have a safe home. Thanks to the clinic, I do have more financial abundance, but I also help people daily. I work with friendly people both in staff and clients. I am more supported than ever. I could use a little more fun in my life, but it’s not exactly out of reach either, just some logistics and rearrangement needed. Many of the pieces I was reaching for in my dreaming of Atira are now a part of my life.

The pieces that aren’t might eventually come to fruition, but then again they might not, and that’s okay. My family and I are doing okay. Things could be better, but they could definitely be worse. I also spent a long time thinking of how things have been worse, and appreciating the good things I now get to experience.

I stopped at a store on the way home for a few items needed for dinner. I walked in, found them, paid and left. Quickly, easily, and without much thought (my brain was on these thoughts). It was a stark contrast to days spent buying meals with food-stamps trying to get the right item that would be covered and literally counting pennies, nickles and dimes for anything that wouldn’t be covered. Did you know that toilet paper isn’t covered by government assistance programs in Kansas City? I have to assume that applies to most or all of the U.S. Yet, now I don’t have to do that. I no longer have to count pocket change, and most of the time I buy what we need regardless of brand or cost, and there is no concern for rules regarding what is okay to purchase (a really good thing since I have all the food allergy concerns). I have purchase freedom, and most of the time enough abundance to get what is desired or needed. There’s no Tesela car yet, and clothes still mostly come from thrift stores, but at least I can keep everyone covered – did I mention I’m really good at finding the good stuff. I also live in the best home I’ve ever had, and though some might call it average, I think it’s beautiful. I have running water and we no longer need the 10 mile treck for a truckload of well water. We have central air and heat, and aren’t freezing around a wood stove because of poor insulation.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that I really do appreciate what I have, and how far I’ve come. Every aspect of our lives is better than some of our worst periods, and for that I am truly grateful. I do see improvement in many ways, and even if my dream community never happens, I am okay. I know each day I live is a blessing and an opportunity to keep working on myself and keep aiming for better.

When I got back in our van to finish the drive home, God validated my afternoon. The 4 songs that played were as shown below. I am living the best version of my dream that is possible from where I stand. One day maybe I’ll see my Atira over the rainbow.

May you know that you are okay, and that sometimes dreams are just meant to help you feel better. May you see your own progress and appreciate how far you’ve come. May you know that you are doing better and that each day you live is a blessing and another opportunity to reach for better. May you see the things you wished for in your current experience. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Evaluating Health

So I’m in the midst of a ride that is being documented by doctors in one way, and being ignored by those doctors in another.

The ride looks like: Mostly I feel good and look better than I ever have. Occasionally I have a really shitty day that takes everything I’ve got to just get through, and a few days of in-between just-mediocre mixed in. The doctors acknowledge that my blood-work looks great except for sugar levels and thyroid function, and that pesky EBV infection they can’t solve (really choose not to, because I don’t have thousands to drop on an uncovered potential solution that many of them don’t seem to even know about).

Up until 3 months ago the those were mostly in check, and then I ran out of resources and thyroid meds. My thyroid took a nose dive and now that I’m aiming for being back on track, I just can’t seem to get everything to balance again. I still look great and most days feel a ton better than my history.

I am doing my level best and the accupincturist took a look at what I’m doing and suggested a few edits. It’s a “try it and see what happens” game that I am really used to, even though it still frustrates the daylights out of me.

What gets ignored by everyone, except my husband and the accupincturist, is the energetic level that I constantly deal with. I’m Sensitive enough that sometimes I genuinely wonder if those shitty days of derailment are other people. Yesterday was one such day because of particular “symptoms” I was experiencing. I generally felt emotionally drained, exhausted, and like I was dieing. I kept experiencing the thought that I was dieing and it was okay, that even death was perfectly fine. If it weren’t for 8 doses of free and easy wanderer, I would have been on the floor in a fetal position and unable to work.

Here’s the deal. I know my father is working on making his way out of this life. For him death is probably the easiest way to solve his woes. For me that is not the case. Though death is always okay from the other side’s perspective, I’m not really ready. It’s not my time to go yet. I only get confused because of those few symptoms that shouldn’t be. I’m doing everything right.

The kicker is the same disease (EBV) that caused my hiccups with thyroid and blood sugars, is likely what caused those same problems in my mom, dad and brother. We literally have followed the same trajectory of disease, but I and my brother 30 years younger than parents. All starting somewhere between 1988-1992. I am the only one to put serious effort into trying to heal it, and so on the outside I look drastically different. Even as far as labs and meds go, I’m still doing 10 times better than the other 3 are.

But this last round really has me scratching my head. I’m doing everything perfect and my body is finally beginning to look great. I am physically more capable than any of those 3 family members, even on a bad day. So, is it possible that those remaining symptoms I am having a hell of a time killing, are because I am tapped into their energetics? That is a possibility for me that western medicine won’t even acknowledge as a possibility.

As I write this sentence, I am 1.64 miles into my treadmill workout. I know that my father is sitting in Arizona, probably asleep. So, why do I keep yawning, when I’ve done 3 hours of massage and had my big cup of green tea. It’s obvious that my body isn’t tired, and if I can treadmill and type at the same time, my brain isn’t either. Yet those yawns come like a reflex.

It leaves me saying “I’m not my father, I’m not my family, I’m better than this stupidity.” It also makes me want to eliminate every shred of their genetics from my body. It makes me want to kill whatever is inside of me that keeps perpetuating their diseases.

And from my experience, the best way to accomplish that is to focus on the opposite. So now I define what the opposite is.

Health is:

  • Feeling good all the time.
  • No feeling great mostly.
  • Able to exist without any aids (herbal or prescription).
  • Able to kick butt on exercise and carry out everyday tasks with ease.
  • Having a body at a healthy weight without an excess or physical activity. (Like if I do 5 hours of massage, I shouldn’t also have to do another hour of exercise like I do now.)
  • Being able to eat relatively normally. For my body and metabolism to be normal, I should be able to consume a 1,000 calorie diet without allergies or excessive exercise. I’d be happy to follow the diet I was on for my first pregnancy, and I’d have significantly more leaway with that many calories, compared to my now.
  • Inflammation, what inflammation? That is a stress response in the body. Normal activity levels and normal work loads shouldn’t cause any inflammation.
  • An immune system that knocks any virus or bacteria down, and leaves my own cells alone.
  • Supplements should only be nutrition, I don’t need the giant puzzle of “this is good for that”, and so on. Again, few to no aids for healthy existence.
  • There are some foods that are generally bad for the entire populous regardless as to whether medicine acknowledges that. So, outside of those foods, and the few that have plagued my family for generations, I should be able to eat anything. Again, that 1st pregnancy diet would be wonderful.
  • Going from my current to healthy includes organ function resuming full normal capacity. It doesn’t matter thyroid, pancreas, liver, etc. They should all function at full normal capacity as evaluated by any blood-work or testing.
  • The things that are already documented as good to great should remain or even improve slightly.

Now, of course is the heavy lifting metaphorically. I must meditate on the feeling place of this, repeatedly. That is how one goes from point A to point B in the focused thought path. The hardest part is consistency and really feeling the difference mentally. I have done so much, that I know I can do this. Of course it would be significantly easier if I quit picking up on my father’s junk too. Energetic disconnect, please.

May you have a knowing of your genuine health. May you see your progress. May you know you can win. May you have confidence in your thought-creation abilities. May you know you are on the right track, even when others or symptoms might seem otherwise. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do especially when you face challenges.

Om Shanti