Tag Archives: finding your source

Glimpses of step 5

Watch “How to Receive Benefit from Contrast with your Partner” on YouTube

I have found that I occasionally feel step 5, but still spend an awful lot of time in step 1 and 3. This video is specific to relationships, but I know the notification was Abraham attempting to soothe my stance on current events and resulting manifestations in my physical experience. Really everything is relationship based. Doing my best to reach for and stay in my Vortex of sanity and things making sense again.

May you find your path to step 5 mostly. May you find your Vortex more than finding yourself out of it. May you align with yourself and in doing so find alignment with those you love. May we all be more understanding and less resistant and defensive. May we all find ways to cooperate more and go with the flow of life more easily.

Siva Hir Su

Is the bar is too high for you?

I’m sorry, but the bar has already been set by two people in my life, not to mention all of my life experience. You, half heartedly trying, just don’t seem to be able to reach it, it is obvious you think you can if you wanted to.

The bar is set by all these moments in my memory that showed genuine caring. You have not demonstrated any of them yet, if you are hesitating, it’s about to be too long. If you are holding back in fear of hurts, it will only lead to that. If you want love with me it has to be shown. My life taught me love by the way it feels, that’s what I’m looking for, and I am seeking only more of that.

Those moments, here’s a few to contemplate:

  • Fixing my drinks and food taking time to acknowledge all of the things I’ve learned about my body, so the nutrition comes without any nasty side effects.
  • The kind of caring that I could feel the energetic ripple of hurt and anguish when we both watched the semi-truck attack in France via Reddit.
  • Caring where we can sit for hours and talk not just about the weather and current events; but goals, hopes, dreams, and deeply held beliefs, and make plans, action steps, to accomplish some of them.
  • Acknowledgement that we do share an energetic connection both in good and bad, and of course the good arousal that comes with that. The deeper experience, not relying on mere good looks and physical attraction, and willingness to ride through the downs to enjoy spectacular ups.
  • The feel of comforting gestures of true concern, the caresses and embraces.
  • Taking time to find not just one, but many shared goals and dreams, a multiplicity of common ground, and the ensuing conversations of the many ways those could play out together in a shared experience.
  • A desire to love and be loved, shown through a myriad of small things that ultimately amounts to a desire to please me often just because you care.
  • Words of encouragement offered when I am down, but more a helping hand when you could otherwise easily opt out, and especially when you have a really good reason not to (Nathan helping at his pace, as he is able, instead of playing the ‘weak-heart card’ to get out of everything.)
  • A strong desire to have family with me and contribute to the growth of another human being with potential to help this world. A shared goal of being good parents and role models regardless of the massive amount of work and responsibility that entails. Even further, helping me when I have moments of failure in regards to that goal.
  • Moments where I am the lucky recipient of expressions of love, a desire to be with me, a desire to know everything about me, desires to have, hold, and support me and our connection. I rarely have to ask for those, and usually when I do, I’m the one having a weak moment where I can’t reach even recent memories of them.
  • The excitement of just getting to spend time with one, just the thought of getting to talk to one. Looking forward to togetherness.
  • The comfort of knowing I’m not alone.
  • The warmth of deep long hugs.
  • The smell of bouquets of flowers, healthy yummy foods, warm chocolate, and clean body next to mine.
  • The knowing that my support is received at some level of consequence, some sacrifice, that I’m honored in a moment over something else you wanted, I was the winner of your choice. My response will be eventually figuring out a way to reward you with both me and the thing you could have done. And knowing that my acknowledgement of that is reciprocated in like.
  • Holding my hand or other moments of affection, not afraid of demonstrating your love for me, because acceptance doesn’t deter your love.
  • Sharing moments of expressions of what we find beautiful in each other. Words do often matter because they are expressions of our feelings. Knowing we feel each other’s emotions, is given vivid highlights when those feelings find words on lips and in ears. The focus of the same vibration in two bodies, on 2 mouths, in 4 ears is wonderful. It becomes an amplification that welcomes more. [Side note: I bet that same amplification worked in group setting. Why do people pick sides and argue instead of finding common ground and expressions of caring?]
  • Helping me, or encouraging me, to keep my puzzle together or fix things when I lapse. That shows that you care about my well being. Sometimes being human means messing up and its effects are reduced when another shows that care. Life happens, no one is perfect, but being there for another makes it better.
  • Understanding when words fail. Words on ears can amplify good vibrations, but sometimes lips can’t find the right words. Being able to understand and respond to, what’s failing to be expressed, is immensely important. When joy is so great that silence calls and tears fall in everyone’s eyes the experience is still shared and amplified. When grief chokes a throat and tears fall, but are met with a gentle shoulder and hug, the grief is lessened. Those moments are our divinity gracing our lives. Those are our connection.
  • To feel another and know another on a level which others find disbelief, is a gift that everyone in this world deserves, but few rarely find, and even fewer can express to the hopeful.

I love deeply and soulfully, and I seek the same. All are still welcome in my life, as we associate with many people in many ways in our lifetimes. However, if love with me is desired, one has to allow that soulful connection to blossom. I prefer to look at blossoms. I prefer to hold blossoms. I may be occasionally easily distracted and frequently too busy to stop and smell the roses, but when I do they get my undivided attention for as long as I can spare (and sometimes I just want to be buried in all the roses).

I can only fix me.

This morning started with oversleeping from exhaustion. My infant is still not sleeping solidly through the night, we’re moving, and I’m going on 45 days without any downtime, knowing my next ‘day off’ will encure more heavy lifting.

I made it to work with 5 minutes to spare- only because we grabbed a breakfast bowl from QT, sans the cheese. I get to work and I’m confronted with chatty-Cathy that has spouted a whole mess of broad biased and bigoted generalizations like you’d hear on Fox news, and YouTube followed that with a notification to listen to Cranberries’ “Linger” with Spanish translations.

After the chatty-Cathy I ruminated on writing a long apology to the world. Apology for such an insignificant readership to actually matter, apology that my voice isn’t bigger/louder, apology for the attitudes of middle-class mostly-white over-55 Americans, apology that I’m not able to rise myself up higher/faster to make it known we’re not all like that.

I thought about telling the world to just ignore and walk away from America. That we’ve lost sight of real morals and values (not to be confused with cheap propaganda morals/values) and helping human kind. That America is full of racist bigots that will cast blame on anything and everything someone with any shade of color does, from stealing from our welfare system to opening business here on the American dollar and not paying taxes, both of which chatty-Cathy said within 5 minutes of me walking in.

But then if the world does walk away from America, what’s to come of the few of us genuinely striving for better. What if those few of us eventually need to flee America, where would we go if the world turns it’s back on us.

I realized that I was ruminating from scared, tired, lost and feeling alone. I listened to “Linger” knowing the song well already.

I realized I am a fool, things do go wrong, shit does stink, and sometimes this world sucks badly. I can’t apologize for everything that goes wrong when I’m not in control of those things. I’m also not a victim and refuse to be blamed for every thing that happens, especially when I’m not involved and not around to contribute, and especially when I know I’m already doing my best to help and be a good citizen.

Thus the only thing in my control is working on myself.

I can only vote using my conscious, ignore naysayers and those that insist on following status quo, focus on making my vote fall in alignment with my inner being’s knowing.

I can only focus on finding happy and my next step of improvement.

I can only battle the things that bug me long enough to find a solution. The solution is truly the answer, the battle only begets more battle.

I can only complain long enough to help refocus into a definition of what I need/want, because again complaining begets more complaining, and the solutions are really what I need.

I can’t let things bug me, or I’ll end up being eaten alive by concerns, fears, worries, and guilt.

I can’t keep existing trying to please others all the time. People are finicky and promise things they can’t fulfill. Swear they care, to turn and walk away. Say they like or love something until there’s a cloudy day or they’re simply not feeling like it today. Ask contradictory things of me to either challenge me or prove that I’ll fail, and either way it only accomplishes tearing me down and apart. Say they care to turn and blame me for everything that goes wrong for them. There are only so many apologies I can give before realizing that those apologies fall on deaf ears.

I’m done waisting my breath and heart. I’ve gotten much better at being much quieter, nodding and moving on, even with my own 4 year old. One day I’ll fix myself enough to attract people willing to work as hard as I do, willing to own their own crap as much as I do, willing to improve themselves as much as possible, and willing to work on finding improvement as much as I do, and willing to commit as much as I have.

For now, I must do better at one thing only: finding my happy and my next step of improvement.

The world will continue to be, for better or for worse, with richer and poorer, with birth and health and sickness and death.

All things are in this world and I must do my best to find the best I can, and leave the best mark I can. I must be there for the Divine/God, for good, for myself, for my husband and family. In that order even, as the first 2 really help to be there for myself and my family. That then becomes my legacy by default- was I there for my family enough that they saw my improvement and learned how to find their own improvement.

I wish that for everyone. If we can all accomplish that, eventually this world will seem a much better place. You’ll never eliminate the negatives, but the positives can weigh heavier in our experience, and enrich all of our lives. I wish that for all of you. Be well my dear readers. Find your happy today and most of all days.