Tag Archives: finding your way

Cardboard Fire

I have a 
Cardboard Fire
It's been
Burning
Indefinitely
Good at keeping it going
I've even managed
To build it up
Add wood
A few times
Eventually
Embers stoke
More cardboard
It's safe
It's secure
I've learned
Exactly how
To keep it alive
Enough to
Feel it's warmth
More than not
Don't dare
Add fuel
Risk of
Smothering
Or stoking too much
Either would
Cause burnout
Sometimes it has
Difficulty
Battling
The cold of
Life
Sometimes
Leaks
Threaten
To drown it out
But I snuggle closer
Rely on pets
Blankets or layers
For warmth
And eventually
Get my
Cardboard fire
Going again
It's beautiful
All fire is beautiful
I hate seeing it
Dwindle
Because the beauty
Gets harder
To see
To feel
When it does
Enliven
Even a little
It's warmth
Dancing flames
Remind me why
I'm here
I wish I could
Tend my fire so well
It is bigger
More beautiful
To see
To feel
Everyday
Always
For now
I'll enjoy
Appreciate what
I'm able
With my
Little
Consistent
Indefinite
Cardboard Fire
Just enough
To see
To feel
To keep going
In dark times
My
Cardboard Fire

~Treasa Cailleach

May you have a beautiful, generous, warm fire always. May you know how to tend the best for yourself. May you know your fire is really within yourself and manifests outwardly in a myriad of ways. May you look for the embers of life, dancing like faires in the dark, and use them to stoke your own fire enough to see and feel the love all around you. May you know you are never truly alone, and there is always someone there for you. May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

***At some point in the next few days I’m going to merge my sites. The other one only has about 20 posts, so it’s needed, but it’s not new work, just new to eyes that never found my other site. It’ll be a reading dump when I get to it, but almost all of them are poems. I hope you like them, but this is more for me than you anyway. I need to condense and purge and make new again, and it’s a mechanical start. Happy reading and happy days ahead.***

Tough girl.

I’m realizing this week that my tough façade is cracking. Life is challenging me in all the ways, and I’m doing my best as always to stay afloat, but my emotions are beginning to show the strain.

On one hand I finally let some of it out today. Like a kettle boiling over, I simply couldn’t hold it in. The amazing J did needles for my arm again, and I think she added one for emotional release and one for sleep because that was the most palpable results, though the sleep hit me like a freight train about 15 minutes after getting up off the table. It ensured I didn’t accomplish anything else involving labor for the rest of my day. The emotions, well they were like little damns crumbling in my body. I’d feel energy turn loose in my arm and then tears would just start running. There were some in other parts of my body, but it was like my right arm was holding the vast majority. Some of the damns were so strong that when they turned loose I’d know what was causing it, and it was intense. At this point the treatment was successful, but it seems some of them have already been retriggered because I have a twinge in my wrist and thumb again. It is also amazing to me that I can tolerate strained muscles being worked on (a fairly brutally painful experience), but in a quiet room with superfine needles in me, I am sensitive enough to feel energy move when science barely has equipment sensitive enough to even register it. It seems in some ways I’ve practiced the tough routine enough it actually counts.

Everything is a work in progress.

So then on the other hand, post treatment and emotional releases I’m processing what that means.

My tough girl façade is just that. I never wanted to be that, I didn’t set out aiming for it. It happened because I learned to do it from all the boys in my family. Be tough, suck it up, and keep moving like nothing happened. It was expected, and in middle school I learned it was the only way I would survive. I was the new girl again, and fat because of the previous school’s bullies plus my then unknown disease, so I grew tougher. I sucked it up and moved on like nothing happened. Over and over again, dealing with more of the same bullying. My brother escaped through football, but there was no such thing as that for me, I was already too fat for anything girls were supposed to play or do. So, I never let the world see my weaknesses again, making sure I ran circles around weak spots to avoid detection by others. A blessing and curse because the extra efforts improved the weaknesses, but also created mountains of self induced work. At the end of the day and the end of the week I would cry myself to sleep. The rest of middle school, all of high school, and a massive chunk of college, were all tough girl right up until I was alone. I even hid in closets in my dorm to avoid detection. It was exhausting, it still is. Even with Nathan I have difficulty when tears fall against my will. I can’t even talk once emotions hit a certain level. He calls me brutally honest, and says I have a lack of tact, because my communication skills suck when it comes to trying to convey my inner world in the midst of turmoil. I know what triggers things emotionally, but when I try to tell him he thinks I’m beating up on him, when most of the time I’m just trying to let it out honestly. Because of that I am always afraid to be fully honest with others n regards to my emotions, it is literally the only way I’m ever dishonest, though usually I’m just evasive. Truth is I need someone that I can be fully open and honest with. I need help and it’s a dark forest in my mind sometimes. I’ve left negative marks on people’s psyche’s and it’s not because I meant to, every time it’s been because I was struggling myself.

So now, that has become the negative weakness that I run circles around doing my level best to keep it undetectable. This tough girl can’t ask for help because the only thing I’ve been able to formulate is too scary to ask the people I care about most. It’s scary because the words might hurt feelings or become misunderstood. I’d rather battle alone than hurt more people.

So instead I ordered that electric bike I have been thinking about for a while now. It’s much more than I have, and I’ll spend months paying for it, but it’ll help me solve part of the bigger picture. I’ll start the first clear-weather day-off I have after it gets here. I need to ride my route to work on a day off to know how long it will take me for actually commuting. Then, weather permitting I will do that as often as possible, even through winter.

As for the emotions, exercise definitely helps, but at some point I still have to let them out. It is a type of energy, and holding that energy will always prevent the energy I do want, from flowing. I’ll keep practicing, and hopefully I can find a way to release enough for my arm to completely return to normal and stay that way.

May you have emotional support and release when you need it. May you understand your injuries in all the ways and find an easy path to healing them. May you have all the tools and people you need and find a way to communicate safely even in turmoil. May you know everything is okay, and above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Figured it out: 2

So, I found myself reevaluating my SG/SJ (or is it JS?) Online duo from aeons ago. I realized that at this point, even though I’m pretty sure I’ve figured out at least one half of the duo, I don’t need confirmation anymore. Not only that, I have come to a comfortable place of not wanting or needing them to do anything. I realized that even if they did come forward with honesty, that at this point I would probably be wary of a continuation of that dishonesty and all their half-truths, and it would be rather pointless. I also realized that I would have difficulty trusting much of anything, and that isn’t what a solid relationship is built upon. Additionally, I realized that anyone willing to do what was done, and not seek forgiveness sooner, has bigger psychological problems needing addressed that I’d rather avoid. Especially in a been there, done that, sort-of way. I know that I personally deserve better because I did already deal with that, and in several instances in my lifetime. I won and now it’s time for rewards.

That then stirred thinking.

Between relearning how to play Magic the Gathering, and relearning to separate singular from plural “they”  by using “they are” vs “they are all”, and several other similar relearnings, I know am doing better and better everyday.

The biggest factor is because I am learning to play the new game of life, with the new rules, and I’m doing quite well with it.

We are all in that boat, and some of us are doing better than others. Those that are unable to learn the new ways will eventually perish. I’d like to believe that I am doing better than enough to survive, but only time will tell. For that reason I’m grateful to every person that helps me learn an aspect of the new ways. Yet I’m not perfect and still make my own mistakes. So, I am also grateful when I figure something out enough to help my children or those around me, but I’m also grateful when those around me have patience with my moments of failure where I’m still playing catch up.

I think it’s time we all start cooperating and working together to navigate this new world we are living in. I think it’s time to acknowledge limitations so that we can work together to compensate for those limitations and find better solutions. I believe it is time to let go of forcing ourselves or anyone else to do, act, behave, or be certain ways. There are more options than that, if we let them in, and frankly I would love to let all of the good in.

For me personally I am doing my best. I am doing my best to be a kinder, gentler mom, and show my children how to navigate this world one step at a time. I am doing my best to be a good friend to those I care about, and show them I do care, by thinking of them and then following through with those moments of thought. I’m doing my best to take care of my husband and help him.

But beyond all of that I am doing my best to acknowledge my own limitations and give myself a break. I would love to do more for more people, hell I would love to do more for those I already care about. Sometimes I feel bad because I want to do more and can’t, and I’m doing my best to come to terms with the fact that I am only one human, and I do have limits of both time and resources. You can only fit so much into a day or week, and you can only help so many before it takes a toll on self, and that is where I’m at. It has started taking a toll and I must care for myself or I will break again.

So, today I have focused on positive self-talk and the things that I need. I have focused on moments that I have provided for others and asked: “How I can let those same moments in for myself?” I have focused on movements and what my body is telling me: what is tight, where are the restrictions and why. I have focused on giving my body space to breathe and for energy to flow. I have chased down blocks for both clients and myself, even if there are many more to go. I did a little art work on my big commissions, and bought a bouquet of flowers for a friend who’s under-the-weather from chemo. I have flowed the Reiki for myself and my clients. And, I have written this to congratulate myself, because if no one else does, then I must honor and respect myself. I am doing my best, and all things considered it’s not half bad, so I deserve to have kudos in any form it takes.

There are solutions and I am intent on finding them. I wish for everyone around me to heal, and the best way to enable that is to figure out this new life and the new rules, and make it work well enough for myself to show others it is possible. We all deserve better and I will continue to do my best to pave a way for that.

I am doing better and better, and I wish that for everyone, and I deserve to see it begin to manifest. My body is healing, slowly, but surely, and I wish that for everyone. Let’s make this plandemic fail and let all the chips fall. We can do it if we all work together and acknowledge that because of said event, the world and human experience, has changed in many ways. Once the toothpaste is out of the tube there is no going back. We must all do our best to move forward and find new ways of living, but most of all find new ways to work together for actual solutions. Humanity will evolve, or our species will quickly become extinct. For me personally, I have new dietary needs and reactions, and healing damage to organs can take a long while. I will continue to do my best to support my body as fully as I am able.

I am doing my best to let go of the past, the old ways, the old rules, the old language structure, the old habbits of being. Because, only in letting go can I allow the new ways to be absorbed/learned. I deserve to allow as much as I am humanly able, and I deserve to experience patience from those around me. Everything takes time, everything in due time.

I am worthy and I deserve to be free and healthy.

You do too!

May you see your way to allowing better for yourself and others. May you have patience with others still learning the things you’ve mastered first. May you see there are many ways to accomplish the same goals, and that everyone deserves access to all of them, not just a singular one to be forced. May you see that health is more than avoiding disease, and that often the human experience is learning how to overcome any obstacle you face. May you see that how well you navigate all obstacles is a major factor in your health. May you understand that feelings felt are the indicator of how accurate your thought was, and really have no bearing on the topic thought about. May you see a way to find the best feeling thought regardless of how tough the topic at hand is. May we all survive this shift and find a way to thrive in this new version of human experience. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

J

Okay, so first disclaimer. I took cannabis meds tonight to help my state of being. I may be struggling enough that I took a little more than usual, and thus I’m feeling it tonight. Not bad, actually quite good, I just felt I should note that I’m writing from a slightly-altered state of mind.

I had a thought
I'm not sure how it was brought
I wondered if she'd rather be called
J
I grew up with a brother that went by
JJ
He had a feminine side
Father tried to beat out of him
Dad given nickname
He came to hate
I wondered if that was why
He preferred
JJ
JJ is androgynous
It doesn't pick a side
It doesn't let you decide
So would be J
She grew up a girl
With behavior more befitting
A boy
I relate
Mud pies, skinned knees,
Playing war as long as
My brother didn't win too much
She had sisters and parents
Of similar age as mine
She was born a girl after all
Who would think different
I heard my father's words
Echo bitterly:
"If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck...."
Bullshit of generations past
Too weak to allow for more
Turning them to cowards of
Either/or
I want to allow more
I want to honor differences
I want to respect those that deserve
Respect
Just for being them
So I reach for
How
How do I ask
From genuine concern
And not sound like
An Ass
I'm not good at this
Because our generation was
Those that admitted
We were
Different
But labels
Weren't firm
Weren't decided and settled
There wasn't discussion or education
And didn't get used accurately
Often
Parents were oblivious
They thought they were
Doing great
But never noticed
The poor example set
For learning to
Respectfully acknowledge
Individual vessel
For a much greater self
So even this unique
SELF
Doesn't always know
How to be addressed
I've been called
T
And it's just fine
Ambiguous
Allows for
Flexibility
I still like
My feminine
Celtic Wise Woman
Name
Near my heart
For being
My choice
But I have
And always will
Keep up with
The boys
Whenever it matters
To ME
So Ambiguous
Sounds good to me
Because I can be
Girly girl
Manly Woman
One of the boys
Whatever
I need
In any moment
It allows for
More me
To just
BE
~ Treasa Cailleach

May you always know how to ask respectfully. May you see more possibilities for yourself and others. May you find a way to honor the whole of someone you care about. May you be patient with those that are doing their best to improve. May you be equally patient with yourself for aiming for those same and even more improvements. May you have love in your heart for every uniqueness. Above all, may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Intuition + Intelligence = Positive Results

I wanted to write about two examples of how my intuition mechanisms work. First, I also need to make an additional note.

I’m struggling right now. I’m weary but managing to cling to functionality. There is not enough of me to handle everything that I am solely responsible for these days. The teen is working to help financially so that she can drive, because I can’t afford full-coverage on a teen on our van for her to drive, it would double our current already-costly adult full-coverage. Yet it means that there is less of her helping at home. I’m doing my level best to navigate dirt, grime, and clutter when my OCD tendencies want to fix it all. Mess literally affects me psychologically. Yet then there’s my body that is doing all the things and not getting but a tiny fraction of assistance in return. If it weren’t for my friend the acupuncturist, a couple of massage trades, and two mats in my body-work tool kit I would be completely dysfunctional. I have aches and pains no one knows about because why bother, especially when there isn’t enough time or resources to truly fix them. I keep hitting walls where my patience runs out and I crash and burn, taking everyone near down with me. My compassion is wearing thin and my body is taking the hit, but there isn’t any way to solve it that I’ve figured out yet. The reason I am including this, is because it’s beginning to impact my intuition, and messages are making less sense, that is when I even get them. It’s a concern, but one I am unable to handle alone, and for whatever reason I am still waiting for divine answers on this. I have been good and done everything I was supposed to my entire adult life, always reaching for how to do those things in a way best befitting my inner self. I have done my level best always. Where is the divine answers I need, the help to navigate this part of my life? No one has an answer for me, I know because I have done my best to ask for help and let answers in, and mostly they seem to complicate or confuse more than solve. I’m doing my best to hold on, but feel like I’m loosing my grip with each moment that passes. Depression has won more than I admit, and my life is once again on the line. When I conceed defeat and make friends with the idea of this being my life for the next decade, it feels like settling for being the looser. I deserve better than that. There has to be something somehow some way to improve this lot. I’m doing my best not to run knowing that running won’t really solve anything either. So in the end I continue as best as I can, praying for better.


For now, I’ll give my examples of how my intuition works when I am in a better state of being.


Example: Horseshoe crab to Copper supplement.

On my trip to Connecticut in May, just after Nathan’s kidneys mandated dialysis, I made it a point to go to the beach. I went on my last day there and saw a horseshoe crab on the beach. I’m pretty sure I wrote about it before, and how I tried to save it a little too late. (My pictures from CT trip are included below.)

The dead crab set off my Spidey senses and I knew somehow there was a reason I came across this creature about to be seagull lunch. So being in the tech age we are, I pulled out my phone and started looking it up right on the beach while walking.

First, I had to make sure I had the correct crab, so I simply typed “horseshoe crab” into Google and looked at images. Correct.

I noticed a picture I thought was someone grilling them, so then I asked Google if they were edible, and found wikipedia information and more about how to cook them.

In that search Google suggested I read about why their blood is special, and I took the nibble. I provided the current Google screenshot of that search in the pictures, because it now includes an article from NatGeo where it might be Covid applicable.

At the original event I simply learned they were studying them in regards to disease and searched further asking Google why scientists were studying their blood. That led me to read this: https://www.nhm.ac.uk/discover/horseshoe-crab-blood-miracle-vaccine-ingredient.html                         and this: https://myfwc.com/research/saltwater/crustaceans/horseshoe-crabs/facts/https://myfwc.com/research/saltwater/crustaceans/horseshoe-crabs/facts/                    along with a few other related articles.

Then I became interested in the copper/LAL connection and the how copper might function in the human body. I asked Google with “copper human body” and got the second screenshot info.

I was hearing the winner buzzer go off in my head. Higher copper levels help many body processes function better, and if your organs are functional your body can regulate to keep levels from getting too high (it’s not one of those risky fat soluble nutrients). Major functions for copper as a nutrient are immune response and metabolism, both of which have been concerns for me. I couldn’t say no. I literally ordered a bottle of a brand I trust from Amazon before boarding my plane flight home.

Once I got home and my bottle arrived I began taking it. At first, my stomach didn’t like it and I learned I had to take it when I was going to eat soon (much like many antibiotics). I also quickly learned that Copper and VitaminC do not absorb well if taken too close together, and that too much VitaminC can deplete Cooper levels in your body. I adjusted accordingly, reducing my VitaminC intake and making sure to take them at different times of the day. After a couple of weeks I noticed a pattern where I would take it for a few days (5 to 6) and then I would feel like absolute shit and not want to take anything into my body, always causing a day of fasting. I decided that I must be experiencing a detox from the die-off of microbes. Once I acknowledged that cycle, I just stuck with it long enough to do it’s job. I’m still taking it for as many days as I can tolerate and giving my body the day or two of rest that is needed to recuperate, but now I’m able to go longer periods before I hit that detox day. I feel like it is slowly helping me to win against my known disease battles.

It is an example of how something seemingly coincidental in my experience, led me to learn helpful information, which then in turn helped me to help myself. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll eventually win because of this intuition driven learning moment.


Example: vaccinated client looses sense of taste/smell to Zinc supplement.

This second example is very similar: I had a day where multiple clients cancelled due to Covid symptoms. I appreciated that they spared me additional exposure, but acknowledged that a couple of them had been vaccinated. My one client is an opthalmologist and he had been very proud of having been one of the first people in the county to receive his vaccine. When he called he indicated he had lost sense of taste and smell, and would not reschedule until he was feeling better.

Once I got over being bummed about losing income that day, I found my Spidey senses causing the question of “Why does it cause people to loose their sense of taste and smell?” I asked Google that question in regards to Covid directly, and was unable to find a clear cut answer.

So I went digging for why someone would loose taste or smell in general.

Via Yale I learned it is called Anosmia. https://www.yalemedicine.org/conditions/smell-and-taste-disordershttps://www.yalemedicine.org/conditions/smell-and-taste-disorders

The Yale article was very helpful because it also gave me a whole list of things that cause it. At the bottom of the list was my BIG clue (thanks Blue). See screenshot below. I knew I had to look further.

So I typed “zinc anosmia” into Google. BAM!!! I found: https://ods.od.nih.gov/factsheets/Zinc-Health%20Professional/

Zinc is another essential nutrient and one that is not stored in the body at all. Yet, it is a key factor in both immune function and the processes of smell and taste.

So, essentially any disease can deplete zinc levels enough to cause anosmia, and that is why Yale’s list of causes is so long. The upside I discovered is that your senses return as soon as your zinc levels are replenished and maintained.

I immediately remembered having consumed many bags of zinc lozenges in highschool and college after it was touted for it’s immune support. I also remembered that at some point in college I had started taking the individual supplement, and strayed from it when I had been taking a particular expensive multivitamin that had adequate amounts. The multivitamin had been sold by the clinic attached to my massage school and when I finished school I no longer had easy access to it (or the discount price) and switched away from using that particular vitamin, but didn’t re-add zinc as a stand alone.

So just like copper, I have reinstated zinc into my regimen and it does seem to be helping. I am hopeful that both of these intuitive leads will result in great levels of improvement. Only time will tell.


One last moment I want to point out here: Why, if both of these essential nutrients are helpful in battling disease, and at least zinc is known to depleted by Covid, aren’t all doctors (especially TV personalities) reminding people to get adequate amounts of both frequently during these times? The answer is the same answer for most anything medical related. They make more money off of medications and people being sick. They don’t want us to stay well or fight off Covid well because it would limit their profits. Medicine is sick care not well care.


May you have strong intuitive moments that guide you to the information you need. May you know for certain that you have been guided to helpful tools. May you understand intuitive messages always. May you see how information gleaned can be helpful to many. May you always have the support you need and maintain yourself enough to benefit from your intuition. May your intuition based choices benefit you in grand ways and make the challenges worth while. May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti