Tag Archives: finding your way


Okay, so first disclaimer. I took cannabis meds tonight to help my state of being. I may be struggling enough that I took a little more than usual, and thus I’m feeling it tonight. Not bad, actually quite good, I just felt I should note that I’m writing from a slightly-altered state of mind.

I had a thought
I'm not sure how it was brought
I wondered if she'd rather be called
I grew up with a brother that went by
He had a feminine side
Father tried to beat out of him
Dad given nickname
He came to hate
I wondered if that was why
He preferred
JJ is androgynous
It doesn't pick a side
It doesn't let you decide
So would be J
She grew up a girl
With behavior more befitting
A boy
I relate
Mud pies, skinned knees,
Playing war as long as
My brother didn't win too much
She had sisters and parents
Of similar age as mine
She was born a girl after all
Who would think different
I heard my father's words
Echo bitterly:
"If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck...."
Bullshit of generations past
Too weak to allow for more
Turning them to cowards of
I want to allow more
I want to honor differences
I want to respect those that deserve
Just for being them
So I reach for
How do I ask
From genuine concern
And not sound like
An Ass
I'm not good at this
Because our generation was
Those that admitted
We were
But labels
Weren't firm
Weren't decided and settled
There wasn't discussion or education
And didn't get used accurately
Parents were oblivious
They thought they were
Doing great
But never noticed
The poor example set
For learning to
Respectfully acknowledge
Individual vessel
For a much greater self
So even this unique
Doesn't always know
How to be addressed
I've been called
And it's just fine
Allows for
I still like
My feminine
Celtic Wise Woman
Near my heart
For being
My choice
But I have
And always will
Keep up with
The boys
Whenever it matters
So Ambiguous
Sounds good to me
Because I can be
Girly girl
Manly Woman
One of the boys
I need
In any moment
It allows for
More me
To just
~ Treasa Cailleach

May you always know how to ask respectfully. May you see more possibilities for yourself and others. May you find a way to honor the whole of someone you care about. May you be patient with those that are doing their best to improve. May you be equally patient with yourself for aiming for those same and even more improvements. May you have love in your heart for every uniqueness. Above all, may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Intuition + Intelligence = Positive Results

I wanted to write about two examples of how my intuition mechanisms work. First, I also need to make an additional note.

I’m struggling right now. I’m weary but managing to cling to functionality. There is not enough of me to handle everything that I am solely responsible for these days. The teen is working to help financially so that she can drive, because I can’t afford full-coverage on a teen on our van for her to drive, it would double our current already-costly adult full-coverage. Yet it means that there is less of her helping at home. I’m doing my level best to navigate dirt, grime, and clutter when my OCD tendencies want to fix it all. Mess literally affects me psychologically. Yet then there’s my body that is doing all the things and not getting but a tiny fraction of assistance in return. If it weren’t for my friend the acupuncturist, a couple of massage trades, and two mats in my body-work tool kit I would be completely dysfunctional. I have aches and pains no one knows about because why bother, especially when there isn’t enough time or resources to truly fix them. I keep hitting walls where my patience runs out and I crash and burn, taking everyone near down with me. My compassion is wearing thin and my body is taking the hit, but there isn’t any way to solve it that I’ve figured out yet. The reason I am including this, is because it’s beginning to impact my intuition, and messages are making less sense, that is when I even get them. It’s a concern, but one I am unable to handle alone, and for whatever reason I am still waiting for divine answers on this. I have been good and done everything I was supposed to my entire adult life, always reaching for how to do those things in a way best befitting my inner self. I have done my level best always. Where is the divine answers I need, the help to navigate this part of my life? No one has an answer for me, I know because I have done my best to ask for help and let answers in, and mostly they seem to complicate or confuse more than solve. I’m doing my best to hold on, but feel like I’m loosing my grip with each moment that passes. Depression has won more than I admit, and my life is once again on the line. When I conceed defeat and make friends with the idea of this being my life for the next decade, it feels like settling for being the looser. I deserve better than that. There has to be something somehow some way to improve this lot. I’m doing my best not to run knowing that running won’t really solve anything either. So in the end I continue as best as I can, praying for better.

For now, I’ll give my examples of how my intuition works when I am in a better state of being.

Example: Horseshoe crab to Copper supplement.

On my trip to Connecticut in May, just after Nathan’s kidneys mandated dialysis, I made it a point to go to the beach. I went on my last day there and saw a horseshoe crab on the beach. I’m pretty sure I wrote about it before, and how I tried to save it a little too late. (My pictures from CT trip are included below.)

The dead crab set off my Spidey senses and I knew somehow there was a reason I came across this creature about to be seagull lunch. So being in the tech age we are, I pulled out my phone and started looking it up right on the beach while walking.

First, I had to make sure I had the correct crab, so I simply typed “horseshoe crab” into Google and looked at images. Correct.

I noticed a picture I thought was someone grilling them, so then I asked Google if they were edible, and found wikipedia information and more about how to cook them.

In that search Google suggested I read about why their blood is special, and I took the nibble. I provided the current Google screenshot of that search in the pictures, because it now includes an article from NatGeo where it might be Covid applicable.

At the original event I simply learned they were studying them in regards to disease and searched further asking Google why scientists were studying their blood. That led me to read this: https://www.nhm.ac.uk/discover/horseshoe-crab-blood-miracle-vaccine-ingredient.html                         and this: https://myfwc.com/research/saltwater/crustaceans/horseshoe-crabs/facts/https://myfwc.com/research/saltwater/crustaceans/horseshoe-crabs/facts/                    along with a few other related articles.

Then I became interested in the copper/LAL connection and the how copper might function in the human body. I asked Google with “copper human body” and got the second screenshot info.

I was hearing the winner buzzer go off in my head. Higher copper levels help many body processes function better, and if your organs are functional your body can regulate to keep levels from getting too high (it’s not one of those risky fat soluble nutrients). Major functions for copper as a nutrient are immune response and metabolism, both of which have been concerns for me. I couldn’t say no. I literally ordered a bottle of a brand I trust from Amazon before boarding my plane flight home.

Once I got home and my bottle arrived I began taking it. At first, my stomach didn’t like it and I learned I had to take it when I was going to eat soon (much like many antibiotics). I also quickly learned that Copper and VitaminC do not absorb well if taken too close together, and that too much VitaminC can deplete Cooper levels in your body. I adjusted accordingly, reducing my VitaminC intake and making sure to take them at different times of the day. After a couple of weeks I noticed a pattern where I would take it for a few days (5 to 6) and then I would feel like absolute shit and not want to take anything into my body, always causing a day of fasting. I decided that I must be experiencing a detox from the die-off of microbes. Once I acknowledged that cycle, I just stuck with it long enough to do it’s job. I’m still taking it for as many days as I can tolerate and giving my body the day or two of rest that is needed to recuperate, but now I’m able to go longer periods before I hit that detox day. I feel like it is slowly helping me to win against my known disease battles.

It is an example of how something seemingly coincidental in my experience, led me to learn helpful information, which then in turn helped me to help myself. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll eventually win because of this intuition driven learning moment.

Example: vaccinated client looses sense of taste/smell to Zinc supplement.

This second example is very similar: I had a day where multiple clients cancelled due to Covid symptoms. I appreciated that they spared me additional exposure, but acknowledged that a couple of them had been vaccinated. My one client is an opthalmologist and he had been very proud of having been one of the first people in the county to receive his vaccine. When he called he indicated he had lost sense of taste and smell, and would not reschedule until he was feeling better.

Once I got over being bummed about losing income that day, I found my Spidey senses causing the question of “Why does it cause people to loose their sense of taste and smell?” I asked Google that question in regards to Covid directly, and was unable to find a clear cut answer.

So I went digging for why someone would loose taste or smell in general.

Via Yale I learned it is called Anosmia. https://www.yalemedicine.org/conditions/smell-and-taste-disordershttps://www.yalemedicine.org/conditions/smell-and-taste-disorders

The Yale article was very helpful because it also gave me a whole list of things that cause it. At the bottom of the list was my BIG clue (thanks Blue). See screenshot below. I knew I had to look further.

So I typed “zinc anosmia” into Google. BAM!!! I found: https://ods.od.nih.gov/factsheets/Zinc-Health%20Professional/

Zinc is another essential nutrient and one that is not stored in the body at all. Yet, it is a key factor in both immune function and the processes of smell and taste.

So, essentially any disease can deplete zinc levels enough to cause anosmia, and that is why Yale’s list of causes is so long. The upside I discovered is that your senses return as soon as your zinc levels are replenished and maintained.

I immediately remembered having consumed many bags of zinc lozenges in highschool and college after it was touted for it’s immune support. I also remembered that at some point in college I had started taking the individual supplement, and strayed from it when I had been taking a particular expensive multivitamin that had adequate amounts. The multivitamin had been sold by the clinic attached to my massage school and when I finished school I no longer had easy access to it (or the discount price) and switched away from using that particular vitamin, but didn’t re-add zinc as a stand alone.

So just like copper, I have reinstated zinc into my regimen and it does seem to be helping. I am hopeful that both of these intuitive leads will result in great levels of improvement. Only time will tell.

One last moment I want to point out here: Why, if both of these essential nutrients are helpful in battling disease, and at least zinc is known to depleted by Covid, aren’t all doctors (especially TV personalities) reminding people to get adequate amounts of both frequently during these times? The answer is the same answer for most anything medical related. They make more money off of medications and people being sick. They don’t want us to stay well or fight off Covid well because it would limit their profits. Medicine is sick care not well care.

May you have strong intuitive moments that guide you to the information you need. May you know for certain that you have been guided to helpful tools. May you understand intuitive messages always. May you see how information gleaned can be helpful to many. May you always have the support you need and maintain yourself enough to benefit from your intuition. May your intuition based choices benefit you in grand ways and make the challenges worth while. May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Divided we fall.

I’ve again had one to many conversations where people pick the extreme side and everyone else is wrong.

It doesn’t matter if it’s Maga-Racist-Trumpers or extreme-liberal-vaccine-pushers. They are two opposing extremes. There’s a hell of a lot of middle ground that it seems no one is acknowledging.

The last conversation referenced stories of friends of friends, and acquaintances as being bullshit that anti-vaxers feed people. And it’s simply picking another extreme and ignoring reality.

Just because a particular fact doesn’t align with your choice doesn’t mean it’s any less true.

Sadly, I hate either extreme, but both extremes are based in experiences and both extremes have elements of truth that get twisted and convoluted to meet the needs of the extreme view.

Additionally, I’m sorry that I’m mostly middle ground on most topics, but see the reason for choice in vaccination, and I especially see the reason for choice for myself and my family.

I watched Vaxxed the documentary. I have read poor data on vaccines. When the data doesn’t stack up well, they glaze over it and bury it as deep as they can, hoping we won’t notice.

Beyond that, I currently work someplace where one of the employees had a vaccine injured daughter. My family has met that now adult mentally damaged child, who has become a ward of the state BECAUSE she did win a vaccine court case, but the payout was so low it didn’t even cover all of her medical expenses to date of settlement. She is managed by a state agent who is doing a horrible job managing her care in an adult group home, and her parents visit as often as possible.

For 3 years, I lived on property of a woman who had two of 4 grown daughters that were damaged from over vaccination, too many vaccines at once caused severe seizures with instant brain damage as a result. Sariah is 18 now and her older sister Rachael is 25. Rachael wears diapers and though she can spell backwards to find YouTube videos, she has very little verbal communication. Sariah acts roughly half her age but is technically fully functional. The 2 sisters Jessica and Ashley, whom were not over vaccinated, are fully functional and perfectly normal.

I had another co-worker several years ago when I worked at another chiropractic office, whom had a daughter in the same boat. Her daughter was named Angela and I met her too. The mom sold Arbonne on the side to make money and to help with her care. It was the only way she could afford to purchase the supplements for her daughter, because being a dealer got her massive discounts and sometimes covered the entire cost of her supplement and food product orders.  The Arbonne products had helped her to detox her daughter and provided higher allergy-free nutrition, which had helped to heal some but not all of the brain damage incurred by vaccination. When I met Angela she had just weaned off of diapers at 16.

Beyond that I am still certain that at least a portion of my battle with depression is vaccine related because of a massive increase in problems and symptoms after having to be revaccinated because of moving to a new school at the age of 12. I had been fully vaccinated less than a year prior, but in moving the old school sent records improperly and my vaccination records were lost along with everything else. The new school required new vaccines because we were unable to obtain proof of original vaccination. I can not solely blame vaccines for my own setbacks, because I have diligently spent years tracking down solutions for various problems and symptoms. Vaccines were not the sole cause for me, but they did contribute in a major way, and they didn’t save me from Epstein-Barr either.

Then pile on top of that the dozen current clients that I work face to face with. Ranging from: the vaccine failed them and they got sick again, to prolonged arm and shoulder pain, to post vaccination anxiety attacks.

Warning: run on sentence ahead…

So yes, when I layer the risks of vaccinations in general but definitely the extremes I’ve seen with my own eyes, on top of knowing Covid already impacted my family in a major way that no one seems to care to fix, on top of knowing that the vaccines don’t have spectacular results as they were intended (more flat out failure based on old standards), on top of the awareness that I’m already overwhelmed dealing with my current reality and even the low end of complications could cause more for me to deal with… you better damn well bet I’m in no rush to get vaccinations for anyone in my family.

Sadly, the reason I quit receiving vaccines two decades ago wasn’t any of that.

It was purely because every time I got a vaccine (flu, tetanus, pneumonia, it didn’t matter), I got horribly sick for at least 5 days, and for several it was over a week. I simply couldn’t convince myself to willingly get sick off a shot any more. The first several years not vaccinating I didn’t get sick at all from anything and that was the final-straw to cease vaccinating.

So, I’m liberal, but far from extreme, and though I’d love many aspects of socialized medicine, mandatory vaccines is not one of them. I firmly believe we all deserve a choice, so much so that when my teenager decided she wanted to vaccinate even after having had covid, I made two stipulations: 1- make your case with valid research, and 2- she will assume any and all consequences of receiving said vaccine, regardless if it’s a bottle of Advil for pain or anything bigger. I can not handle any more complications in my life and thus will not vaccinate, but if she is willing to take full responsibility no matter what, I will not stop her.

I’m no Maga-Trumper and hate much of what they stand for, but I know that many of their choices and beliefs are based in experiences they have had. That is how I find common ground with the ones that land on my table at work. Many of them had bad experiences in their past that lead them where they are. Some of them remember when the government used their own military personnel and military families to test many things (like early vaccines), they remember being guinea pigs the first time around, and how horribly that went. Just because I don’t agree with them and hate their methods, it doesn’t mean I can’t find understanding and be compassionate.

If we all don’t begin to stop and see someone’s perspective as valid and based in their experiences, then we will quickly degread into conflict, mutiny, chaos and mayhem.

We all must start reaching for the common ground and make compromises. We need to be more compassionate with each other and find understanding for each other’s decisions.

I would love to trust unequivocally that the vaccine is perfectly safe and helpful, but my life, my body, my brain tells me otherwise, and I simply can’t handle the results of what could be if we are not the lucky 100% safe ones. There is simply no way to guarantee that I or my family will be completely unharmed. I can not handle anything less, and I simply wish people held enough humanity to understand that.

May you have enough humanity in you to find common ground and compassion for others. May we all survive these times. May medicine find additional ways to help everyone, especially those that were negatively impacted by covid in a permanent way. May we all see that we have reached our beliefs because of our experiences, and that yes even though there is fake news in our midst, that is not the only reason someone believes something. May you have understanding for others around you. May we all feel safe again. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti