Tag Archives: food lapses

Flip side.

I’m having a rough week. Multiple Allergic reactions causing me to have to fight my brain again. Feeling like this journey is far too familiar at this point and wondering why I’ve not managed to heal my body enough to let it subside.

It’s the holidays, I’d like to be able to celebrate without this horrible aftermath. Perhaps it’s my fate, perhaps I’m just not there yet. Regardless, I’m refusing to have that 3rd child God has nagged me about until I find enough healing to be more capable of having a birth like I did with Ian.

I don’t have answers, as I have educatedly guessed my way this far. Doctor’s don’t even want to try. Especially when there’s no juicy insurance policy to take advantage of and it’s a difficult puzzle anyways. So much for all knowing, all healing, godlets. More like greedy lazy bastards.

So, I am going to focus intently for a bit here. The goal to reach for the believable flip side of my allergy reaction induced negativity.

  • My efforts do matter, if to no one else, to me and my cells.
  • I much prefer feeling good and being able to be positive more easily.
  • I’m doing far better than I was a few years ago.
  • My changes may not be visible to others, but I know some signs are: less acne, less rosacea, less pain, less bloating, less gas, less fat, more muscle, less depression, generally feeling well being more often.
  • I am strong. I can leg press my husband, and probably drop kick others. (Ahhh… Garfield & Odie… my old pals…. I AM Garfield- except he at least got to enjoy lasagna.)
  • I am intelligent, I have solved far more of my puzzle than anyone else. I’ve met literally dozens of people including many doctors that only found a singular tiny element, which alone accomplished nothing. Only when I started putting many elements together did it make any difference. And… None of them helped with the assembly, I did it myself. My Nathan helped maintain once things were figured out, and for that I’m grateful.
  • I still have 2 strong hands, 2 strong capable legs, and my intelligent brain, all to keep trying.
  • I know how to let healing energy flow and I intend that every night just before bedtime, healing energy will fill my body, it will heal my pancreas, heal my liver, melt fat, calm inflammation, and soothe my immune system back into only fighting germs.
  • God’s energy can and will tell my cells that foods won’t kill me, that my immune system can leave them be and my liver can clean out the excess.
  • I exercise so much these days, and that has to count for something. I may not be able to see it myself, but I know exercise is generally very good and helpful, so somehow it is helping me.
  • I care because of me. I’ve come this far, I could give up, but don’t want to. I can’t see the boat, but I know it has to exist, I just have to tread water long enough for it to get in my sights.
  • Every time I maintain my level of completely clean eating, I feel better, that’s how I know it’s working and helping. At some point the scales will tip, and minor infractions will be too insignificant to cause such difficult aftermath.
  • I have done so much already, I can keep doing this. Considering my odds, I have exceptional willpower.
  • I am an exceptional person.
  • I am a caring person, and that’s how I’m able to see the affects allergies have on me. They cause me to behave differently than my true self. I want to heal enough to always be my better self.

Is it possible to redefine holidays to take food out of the equation? Can I find the joy without a stitch of food in my experience? If I don’t go to anyone else’s celebrations maybe. Yet another opportunity to do it on my own. C’est la vie.

I’ll leave you with a view of the same salad I’ve eaten probably 6 times in 2 weeks. When I eat clean, options are very limited. It gets boring, but every time I try to enjoy food it ultimately pays me back later.

May your body and your life allow you to enjoy food. May you always find a way to be your better self. May you have a calm immune system that only fights disease. And finally, may you have joyous holiday celebrations with friends and family and feel your belonging in this world.

Siva Hir Su

Still working on patience.

Seems I still have a long ways to go on that one.

We’re 3 days into our journey.

I’m tired, my kids are tired, my mom is tired, we’re all ready to be done driving, but there’s a long ways to go yet.

Our stop to see my husband’s parents in Cleveland was not nearly long enough as a reprieve from the drive, nor long enough to feel like we really had a good visit. I know Nathan wanted to stay longer- I saw the tears in his eyes as we departed. I promised him and his parents I would do my best to get us back for a real substantial visit as soon as possible.

I wish I could afford plane travel for 6.

Food is kicking my butt. I’m doing the best I can but I’m still getting small amounts of my allgens. My tummy is so bloated it hurts. I’ve been taking Benadryl as often as possible and doubled up on my supplements this morning. I have had headaches off and on, more than the last month all together.

I’m sticking to nuts and fruits in the driving, but when we stop at restaurants I do the best available. I’ve stuck to salads and “grilled” chicken, but the dressings have not been ideal. Plus the hotel breakfast each morning was the cheapest manufactured eggs and sausage possible, and my coffee had regular creamer, when I’ve not even been drinking coffee for months prior. It’s all been just a bit too much for my overly sensitive system.

It all leaves me doing everything I can mentally to stay bouyant, and failing occasionally. I’m finding I have to keep reminding myself I’m doing the best I possibly can, that there aren’t better choices to be had than what I’m doing. It’s the nature of traveling and being at the mercy of what’s available at chosen stopping points.

We’re headed through New York with a brief pit-stop in Lily Dale. My mom and I have known about it for years and so I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to check it out. Then the goal is to make it to Connecticut by bedtime. My brother reserved a room for us there near his home. Tomorrow will be the last leg to Maine including a detour to America’s Stonehenge.

I’m looking forward to my time in Maine and our detours. I hold those moments every time my tummy wants to cramp up. In between I’m saying mantras and giving thanks to allow as much Divine energy to help with getting through.

My lack of patience is my downfall though, it has caused more than a few snaps of which I’ve had to apologize for. My Mom gave me a taking to, to remind me to not be like my dad. I explained I’m literally doing my best to try to avoid that and change it in myself.

Easing into the journey and forgiving myself for lapses, doing my level best to be good, kind, and have more patience.

May you all have safe journeys, full of happiness, feeling good, and having patience for lapses, and knowing that you’re doing your best.

Siva Hir Su

 Birthday Fun & my aftermath…

So Anya turned 12 a couple of weeks ago,  but I schemed up a slumber party for her with her best friends much after the fact. 

There was no way she was ever going to get the sleepover she’s been begging for, at our home. So, I conceded that it would have to be somewhere else.  After conferring  with parents of her closest friends,  I determined that most of us are in the same boat, though for a wide variety of reasons.  So, if she was ever going to get that sleepover it’d have to be at a hotel. 

She’s earned it this year watching Ian (a lot) and talking care of chickens.  Nagging her aside, I decided I better make it happen to show our appreciation for her efforts. 

I decided that if I was going to spend money out of our savings on 2 hotel rooms,  it would best serve everyone if it was special.  So  I picked the hotel attached to the indoor CoCo Keys water park. It was more expensive than your usual hotel,  but considering the attraction,  not that much more expensive; & definitely not as expensive as Great Wolf Lodge.   The hardest part was biting  the bullet for 2 rooms. 

I did,  and the girls had a blast.  It was only girls because I couldn’t bring myself to allow a co-ed sleepover, even if it was begnign. 6 girls, me & one other mom.  Nathan & Ian partook in some water park & Ian harassed the girls for a bit in the evening before the two of them went home. It was a grand time with make-up, nails,  hair styling, singing,  and going gaga over famous boys. I crashed just after midnight,  but when I woke at 3am they were still going strong.  By Friday morning at checkout everyone was exhausted and ready to go home and sleep.

Since I didn’t ask permission to post pictures,  I’ve blotted out their faces. Especially considering none of them actually look 12 years old. Us parents are apalled at how mature they all look.

Ian really had fun encroaching on their fun space several times:

Anya enjoyed being made up, and it looked so good I can’t bring myself to show you.  Some things are just not safe for the internet. 

So, with all this gaiety, what’s the aftermath? The usual.

 Despite taking most of the  food  that was eaten at this event, intentionally accommodating myself,  I did still lapse some.  I also got very drunk  with the other mom as we enjoyed a little reprieve from boys. It taxed my system too much being I’d just pulled myself out of another worse food fail just 4 days prior. I had a hangover the next day (something that’s only ever happened 2 other times total),  and all weekend I’ve had to work to convince myself to do better. 

My brain wants to throw in the towel. This being healthy thing,  especially healthy enough to keep my brain buoyant,  is really hard work. It’s a lot of pieces to keep together,  and life is enjoying making that task very, very difficult.  I think at this point learning 2 foreign languages is easier than keeping my mental health intact. 

It also doesn’t help that I’ve gotten into something that caused a horrible itchy rash on my arms. It’s much like poison ivy,  and I can think of maybe 3 ways I’d have come into contact with something like that. It could also be chiggers or oak mites as I could think of ways I’d have gotten those too. 

Regardless, the itching is insanity piled on top of my food induced lack of caring. It’s been a tough day. After helping get recycling & laundry  underway,  I took a shower and proceeded to veg. Now I’m going to apply another dose of calamine lotion & go to bed.

I hope Anya really did enjoy her birthday water park slumber party, but more I hope it makes up for all the rest of the sucknitude right now.