Tag Archives: forgiveness

Asking Forgiveness

I am truly sorry for any and all transgressions I have committed, knowingly and unknowingly. I never meant anyone harm.

The only harm that was ever intentional was that which was aimed at myself in my deepest despair. I have never meant to harm anyone else.

In fact most of those that I now fear hate me, were those that I really wanted to love me. Yet, even though those few have never talked to me in years since their absence, I still miss them.

The last few years I’ve had a connection to someone that I knew wasn’t completely truthful. I still don’t have the full story. Yet, I think I may have figured at least a portion of it out. (Probably as good as it gets with my limited technological skills.) For a long time I kept getting a message from the other side/divine, that our exchange started as revenge and they never expected to care about me. I simply couldn’t figure out who wanted revenge that badly, as I just wanted love, and never wanted to hurt anyone.

I think I now know, but it’s just educated guessing. It makes me sad because the people I believe to be involved, I held in very high regard. I cared for them and never wanted them to leave.

Even with my current educated guessing and the sadness it stirs. I still love them- both the person I connected with (that wasn’t supposed to care), and the likely originator. Gender doesn’t matter, time doesn’t matter, my heart still cares.

I wish I could undo my role of unknowing hurtfulness. I wish I could convince them that I do love them. That I still care and always did. But like many things of late, I am realizing I can’t fix it. I’m sorry to them and to God that I am in this difficult spot. May I be forgiven, and one-day perhaps they will see me as I intended.

May you know that you did your best. May you know that your caring was more important than your transgressions. May you know you are forgiven for your mistakes. May you understand and accept your inability to change others. May you love them even when it seems they want revenge, and possibly hate you. May you find unconditional love for others, but especially for yourself. May you know you are loved and that God cares for you.

Siva Hir Su

Quickie on apologies.

So, “Cry me a river” by Justin Timberlake was just on the radio. It made me think, he speaks of loving the woman but not giving her a second chance when she realizes what a huge mistake she made going after another man initially.

I think in my world that is an unfounded reaction. I know if the boy ever came back and was genuine and sincere, I’d take him back in a heartbeat. 

It’s the wonderful side effect of loving someone truly. That deep of a love acknowledges that we’re all stumbling through this life the best way we can. Sometimes our first decisions might be grounded in logic, but don’t work out the way they are supposed to, or the way we thought they would. Sometimes, our heart/ intuition was supposed to make the decision, and our brain usually realizes that after things fail. 

I personally don’t think it’s right to hold an honest mistake against someone, god wouldn’t. Christians speak of Jesus, I’m pretty sure he would not do that either. It’s the basis of teachings on forgiveness. Acknowledging that being human comes with making mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes cause hurt. It is human to err, and as humans if we can acknowledge we’ve all done it at some point, it’s easier to forgive others errors. (Not always, the darkest and most painful will always be difficult to forgive.)

In my case, 6 months have gone by and my heart still aches frequently, I still miss him. I’m sad over the loss of someone I care deeply about. Yet I know those hurts are because I found love, if ever so brief. So, yes, if he reappeared and was sincere, I would take him back instantly. 

Nathan made the same error early in our relationship, and I’m glad (14 years later) that I forgave and welcomed him back, he’s my rock, I still love him dearly. He’s my world and ultimately we both have learned and grown so much that the minor glitches were worth it.

I think if someone can’t find forgiveness, then they either have difficulty seeing our humanity, or there was no real love to begin with, or even a combination of the two. Again, just my thoughts, my hypothesis. May you all find a love that’s worth finding forgiveness for errors.

Paradigm

That moment when you realize that you’ve been thinking about everything from a very specific viewpoint (your own life/culture/biases). Then realizing “What if that viewpoint is all wrong at worst, and equally positive/negative as any or the other viewpoint? ”

*POP*

I think my brain has exploded. 

No, not really.  I’d already come to a similar conclusion, that’s why I try to give Christians a pass on their over zealous natures at times. It’s not their fault I was traumatized by others claiming the same label.  That would be stereotyping. 

Besides a label never makes a person as a whole.  It’s the why, the behaviors the label supports, the elements of character defined by that label they choose, that counts. And, we all have numerous labels we choose in our lives. Some fit better than others depending on the moment,  the environment,  and our state of being in that moment. Labels are fluid, flexible, and inconstant, varying as needed. Though some labels may have  broader applications or last for longer periods, none last precisely as they are now for our entire lives.

So even the perpetrators of my traumas don’t exist now as they were when they caused said traumas. 

It’s allowed me to mostly forgive (still working on it in some ways),  to definitely learn from,  and use those things as catalyst for self-improvement (however slow). 

Yet,  I find myself redefining my work over and over again.  Every time I see my paradigm in new clarity,  new perspectives, I shift to a new paradigm and it results in new awareness. New righting to be done.

Today I realized that I was equating another system’s paradigm as problematic and hypothesizing how many traumatized people have come of it. When very clearly I remembered my own traumas. It seems my paradigm is no better,  and I’ve yet to completely break free from it.

I want to. I want to create better for my children,  for the rest of my life, my world.  If only I could see past the illusion in every moment. If only I could foresee the best possible outcome to enable better choices in each moment.

That sounds an awful lot like enlightenment and being of God. I think it’s what really all humans are  striving for at any given moment. So far though the only beings ever having been described as finding that ultimate state, left this earthly plane for good. Never to be seen or heard from again,  merely felt as energy: Buddha, Acchi, Osho, Jesus, and many other names.

Maybe I’m not quite ready to go to that level.  My kids would miss me. So I’ll settle for human imperfection for now: ask my loved ones for forgiveness,  and just simply do my best to see the illusion. Be loving (especially to myself), be kind,  and forgive those that hurt me in the past (because I did learn one way to not do something from them, so at least gratitude for the lesson). Now I must practice. 

Practice my own forgiveness, my own patience,  my own love,  my own kindness: for myself, for others,  and slowly shift my paradigm, to something better. 

Each shift a perceived improvement.  

Each shift an opportunity for forgiveness in many ways. 

Each shift another opportunity for learning  and growth.

New different paradigms to create and practice. 

Save the croaking for later…. way, way later.

For now yet another apology to deliver.