Tag Archives: freedom

Spider web screams to personality traits on the day of “freedom”.

Happy fourth everyone.

My day started with molting in the shower. I’m losing hair at an alarming rate, my one shower created a golf ball sized wad, and my mood is as unstable as ever. Both things happened after Ian’s birth, and I attributed them to the thyroid crash knowing that both are commonly experienced in thyroid malfunction. However this time, even if my thyroid itself is struggling, I have enough medication in my system to override symptoms. So I have no idea why I’m having said symptoms except that it must be postpartum hormones. If only it wasn’t such an ordeal and expense to figure out the exact mechanism at play. For now I’ll continue to muddle through.

Otherwise, my holiday started with a couple of hours of work, fortunately close by. As Nathan always does he walked me out carrying my drinks. He put my drinks in the car via the passenger side, and I walked around the car to get in. As I sat down I found myself directly in the middle of a large spider web and the spider dropped down beside me into the floor-board. I leapt out of the car screaming and brushing my arm and shoulder off. As I told Nathan what happened I found the offensive spider and smashed it. (The biggest reason why I could never commit to Buddhism: I have a rule with spiders that if I can see and reach them they die.)

I exclaimed “Why didn’t you tell me it was there!”. He said he didn’t see it, and I continued with “But you get upset because I assume you can’t see your son’s yogurt splatters on tan carpet!” He then pointed out the irony of sitting in a web, and how spiders are supposed to have a link to communication and messages, like “Charlotte’s Web” (though it goes back much further in history to Native lore). I exclaimed I know, I’ve had proverbial “spiders sitting down beside” me all week. This wasn’t the first, I’m not sure it was even the fifteenth in a little over a week. Only I’m not Miss Muffit or PIG, and I’ve got no idea WTF they’re trying to tell me.

So I left for work with a sigh and adrenaline jitters.

My first bit (massage) went well, and when I showed up for my second stretch (non-massage) I discovered it would be much shorter than expected. So, I passed the shorter time taking a personality test that Hannah had requested. She explained to me that she likes figuring things out like interpersonal relationships and interactions, and sees how Myers-Briggs helps with that. So I willingly obliged.

The result was that I’m an INFJ (-T). After reading all the info about that type, it’s strengths and weaknesses, and how it reacts to stress, I can say I agree it fits me well. There does seem to be a few minor qualities that are not exact, but I tend to feel that way about most labels. They’re mostly accurate, but everyone is still an individual regardless of their labels. Labels are merely guidelines.

As far as INFJ goes for me, I only procrastinate on things assigned to me by others. If it’s my own doing I rarely put it off, but will still exhaust myself to ensure completion. Additionally, I find a bit more balance between emotional response and rationalization than is implied, unless stress is a factor (like my postpartum struggle). However, Overwhelment for me usually only occurs when I feel things are not flowing properly or moving fast enough. Also, I tend to lack tact in giving others my honest opinion, and thus don’t always give their emotional response due diligence. Finally, I have worked very hard over the years to become less introverted and more extroverted, so I tend to fall nearly in the middle on that factor, constantly trying to balance the value of social environments with my need for solitude.

So, all of those elements do play important roles in my personality, but with slight tweaks. Otherwise, yes, everything else I read on INFJ personality type pretty well hits the nail on the head.

….

Hannah had suggested that my quest to fix my brain and emotional outbursts is less about being broken and more about it’s just part of my personality. It seems from what I’ve read she may be right. However, those elements were listed as weaknesses, and isn’t part of our humanity to acknowledge our weaknesses and aim to improve them, even if ever so slightly?

I remember a conversation with Nathan’s Ex’s brother years ago, where we agreed whole heartedly on that sentiment. He believed that humanity as a whole was shifting perceptions by gradually changing things in just that way. Each generation essentially taking baby steps to improve what was perceived as a negative from the previous generation.

For me those are my most negative qualities or weaknesses, those are the less than desirable traits that I learned from my parents. So part of my personality or not, I still aim to improve upon them or fix them. There is no reason my children should have to endure the worst of me to just create another generation of repeat. If I can improve enough, then I can break at least one negative cycle, and enable my children to experience better states of being. That’s my goal, and if I can figure out something that then helps others along the way then I’ve really won my own battle, regardless of how treacherous the journey was. Because I really do reach for helping the world be a better place for everyone, not just me, not just my family. I do intensely desire to help makes the world a better place.

Because, for me that is true freedom. To be able to create a new and better world to live in and enable our children to do the same. That is freedom.

Freedom is not a government making rules to turn around and change their minds every couple of years. Freedom is not inflated egos telling others what to do and yelling “because I said so and I can”, and then getting defensive over negative reactions…

Freedom is the right to choose, To choose better, To choose improvement, and to allow others to do the same whether you agree with their choices or not. I celebrate true freedom on this fourth, and mark another notch on my path to my own freedom.

May you all have a moment of recognition of that on this fourth.

Up, Out, and Renewed Focus

I did pull myself out of the depression hole. I now know I can. It was hard, took a solid week to fully come back up. Several days of exercise and then behaving diet wise, and I am back to relative chipper. (I say relative because I’m not sure my best moods ever constitute what some refer to as chipper, however, I am in a good mood place.)

My phone, which is really a miniature computer that makes calls and receives text messages, started acting up. It was eating files and overheating. Wednesday of last week it started overheating to the extreme and failed to take and hold a charge. I called customer service (using my husband’s phone) and they gave me instructions for sending it in, free of charge- I love when warranties work! Then as I was prepping to send it in, it suddenly acted like it was ok again, so I typed up a short letter explaining everything that had happened and giving a disclaimer that it seemed to correct before mailing. I really hope the technician reads my summary. I’m not sure I care whether they fix or replace it, so long as I get a working phone back.

I’ve realized that without my phone, I feel very disconnected and unprepared. I have come to rely on the quick access to my calendar (i.e. my livelihood); being able to look things up on Google or YouTube. Being able to make a call or send a quick message without hunting down a Wi-Fi connection. I’ve even realized how it has affected my work, as before I was using a couple of Chinese Medicine reference apps on a regular basis. Not having access to those apps, I have had to rely on my computer when available, but mostly my memory- which is occasionally very spotty, and in Chinese Medicine there is an awful lot to remember. It’s not the end of the world, and I’ll make it the 9 to 14 days that it will take to get something back, I’ve just realized that I’ve grown very attached to my tiny computer/phone. I’m definitely in withdrawal.

 

Speaking of Chinese Medicine, I’ve done some for myself. After being sick that week, I had congestion that just wouldn’t drain. My sinuses were sorely backed up and causing problems. I began having a continual throbbing jaw pain on the left side of my face and noted some red sore spots (a sign of excess, especially the congestion type) on what I knew were accu-points. I just couldn’t remember which points they were for sure and what their use was.

I looked them up and sure enough, every point had to relate to sinuses and congestion. They were stomach, large-intestine, and bladder meridian points that dispel wind. In Chinese Medicine, wind can be an external influence (windy days causing sickness) or a symptom of liver/spleen excess (which also manifests as anger or yelling). I found myself saying: I don’t know which cause it was because I’ve experienced both of late. So I relegated to carrying out the most efficient solution- Acupuncture. I would love to go to an Acupuncturist often enough to heal my body for real. However, being as low budget as I am with a basic knowledge of Chinese Medicine, I’ve opted to do very basic acupuncture sessions on myself to solve acute issues. This time, was one such event.

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I have to say after the 1st treatment I was significantly better, though it re-flared, so I’m actually in the middle of my 2nd treatment as I write this. Being that I’m not a fan of pain, I’m hoping that this treatment polishes off the congestion/wind and  I’m back to full normal tomorrow.

 

Beyond that life is mostly normal. I’m still working every day, commuting 90 min and dropping loads on fuel. With the new route income we have managed to begin to catch up on car maintenance and repairs. We still have shocks, 0-2 sensor, and some kind of electrical short to figure out. It’ll  all get done eventually.

I’ve still been conversing with my potential poly love interest online. He’s taking a business trip to the East coast for several weeks, so between that and my AWOL phone, I’m in withdrawal of our conversations too. However, I’m hopeful that his time out east also bears some fruit with his fiancee too, at least metaphorically speaking. I hope he is able to get a better sense of his fiancee as a person and what he’s really committing to. My biggest concern for him is that he’s walking into the rest of his life completely blind. That could cause so many problems long term. I know that the culture of arranged marriages (regardless of country of origin/perpetration) is predicated upon that premise: that the couple to be is to know that their parents and whomever else is involved in the selection process, has their best interests at heart, and thus should be trusted. Yet, I can’t help but think of the horrendous outcome that would have befallen me if my parents had picked my husband.

My parents may love me, but they lost sight of who I was as a person long ago, and at this point we disagree on more things than we agree upon. I can’t imaging how horribly wrong their choices in personality, political views, and general world views, would have been for me.

I’m honestly surprised that arranging marriages is still thriving so strongly, I would have thought it to have fallen apart decades ago. Although, I suppose there might be something to the idea that angry bitter people might be wanting to punish others for their forced marriages, and what better way than to force another marriage. The gentler more conscious version of that would be “maybe if I do a better job picking a mate for my son/daughter then their marriage will be better than mine was”.  Though I hardly think either stance will provide the desired outcome for anyone, especially when younger generations are being raised to believe in freedom and love. The two ideologies simply don’t mesh well.

My biggest hurdle is accepting his decision to go with the arrangement and not refuse. I understand why he feels the need to follow through with it, the complexity has weighed heavily on me. I sincerely wish I had the financial resources to provide an acceptable 3rd option for both him and his parents. Yet, I don’t currently have that ability, and based on his explanations, I don’t see a valid alternative without it. I just wish so much for him to be happy and have freedom of choice, even if that didn’t involve me long term. It’s all I would ever wish for anyone. Happiness, and freedom. I feel really strongly about those two things.

It’s really why I get so angry over our political environment here in the USA. Our government allows us as society to have just enough freedom to be complacent, and has ensured over the years that restrictions to our freedoms are quietly put in place (with a good reason mind you) so that it’s a surprise when someone goes to do something and is told no. Then we have to fight 10 times harder to have those laws removed from the books and freedoms restored. It’s a pattern that has repeated itself over and over again in US history, yet we keep letting it happen.

Anyway, I’m rambling. I just want peace, happiness, and freedom for all. I want to help people get on their feet and rebuild their lives. I want to have a lasting positive effects on this world. And right now all I can do is get up every day and go to work to ensure that my family has food, clothing, shelter, transportation, and communication with the outside world. And since that is ALL I CAN DO, then do that, I will. However, I will keep telling the story of Atira (coming to a blog post near you, soon!), the good things I wish for, and maybe the more I tell it, GOD and GODDESS willing, I’ll be able to welcome it into my life for real. THAT is my new focus.