Tag Archives: friends

Upside Down

Abraham Hicks has often said to not give a lick what others think. One should live a life that feels good, not try to fit others’ moulds. Happiness lies in being the self regardless of others’ opinions.

My only question in response to that is:

What does one do when they have done their best to do that, for many years, and have very little to show for it? Specifically in relation to relationships.

My early days of school I had two really good friends that I did everything with. Yet, moving because of dad’s jobs crushed that, I was too young to keep up with them without parental assistance, and I am certain they think I just fell off the earth.

I spent all of middle school, at two different schools, being bullied as the new fat kid, and my parents told me to just ignore them and move on. And as a family we did, moving twice more by the middle of freshman year of highschool.

In highschool, it was rough to try and make friends. I figured out I was too smart and fat to be the popular kid, not geeky enough to hang with the science kids, not sporty enough to spend time with athletes, and not dramatic enough to chum with the theatre kids. So since my solace was already music, I spent a disproportionate amount of time in the band or practice rooms. When not there, mostly for lunch hour, I hung with the misfits. Being a small school, there was the pot-head, the 2 pregnant girls, the confederate-flag-flier, the pick-pocket, and about 4 of us that just didn’t fit with anyone else. They were my friends for all of the rest of highschool. I was never invited to parties, picnics, or any other gatherings. If I wasn’t playing in a band function or in class, I wasn’t around other kids. I didn’t even get to date, and when I was old enough to go to prom, I went as a 3rd wheel with the 2 friends from the misfit group that were dating. I was always the odd one out.

College wasn’t any better, transferring schools twice due to financial dilemmas. My roommates freshman year were mostly good people, but one of the 3 had a horrible personality clash with the rest of us. We battled it all year and after I transferred home to community college, I never heard from any of them again. I didn’t go to parties, and only dated one other person before meeting Nathan. Having been set up with that person I gave it a fair chance, 3 dates, and I was horribly unimpressed by our mismatch and gave up.

Nathan was the first person to invite me to anything. He was the first person to genuinely care how my days had gone and what I was up to. He invited me to social functions and gatherings, introduced me to his wife and girlfriend and all of his friends. He met my friends from high school, which at that point were renting space in my mobile home. He even knew some of the people from my highschool from having had met them in other venues. It was nice. We meshed well and he was genuinely interested in me, who I was and what I was about and who I hung out with (even if it was infrequent).

Fast forward to KC. When we got here we landed with people we thought were decent friends. The helped us get here but very quickly got frustrated when our job search didn’t pan out as well as hoped. Finally, one of them got us in with less than spectacular jobs at the school bus, and we were given a short deadline to get our own place.

7 months later Nathan had his hospital journey and I did my best to reach out for help to everyone we knew. Nothing.

By that point my highschool, and our few college friends, were scattered to the winds (and still are). So I really wasn’t surprised they couldn’t help; but I had hoped even some of the newer KC friends would at least give some helpful tips/resources, send some get well cards, or pay a visit. None of them did anything. It was very very frustrating.

On one hand, the sink or swim situation made me stronger and even more capable. On the other hand fumbling through medical and welfare systems and trying to avoid homelessness alone was really shitty. I would have given anything to just have someone to talk it over with.

Later we we met a couple that moved in next door. We got along really well, and we are still friends, but their friendship has mostly manifested in facebook posts and the occasional online invite to a party or gathering. It’s just not the deep friendship I crave.

I also have noted that I seem to screw up the few good friendships I did manage to create.

This very blog started 5 years ago when one friend in our homeschool group gave us an extra trailer on her property to live in. It needed a lot of work and she said that when she gave it to us. I thought I could handle it and started the rehab. 2 years into the struggle I gave up and we moved back to the city, unfortunately never getting that trailer to real usability. It seems to have ended the friendship as she doesn’t really talk to us anymore. It makes me sad, because I really did try. I wanted to make it work in a very significant way, I just couldn’t handle everything that the trailer needed to be a safe home, on top of life itself, and it exhausted me in many ways just trying.

Then the friendship that helped us get back into the city ended in chaotic blame. There was a problem, we may or may not have actually caused. It was something that could have started any number of ways, but we took all of the blame. Every last bit, and there was a torturous splitting of ways that still leaves me hurt. There are so many elements of that relationship that I had hope for, but there were people involved of poor character and I couldn’t tolerate the abusive nature of the one person. It was too much like my father and having overcome that, I was not kind in responses to their behavior. I feel like the blame that was placed on us was unfairly extreme, especially knowing that it could have been caused by other factors, and I had gone out of my way in so many other ways. I had literally spent thousands on supplies, groceries, utilities, and work I had done to make it functional for us all. Yet, not a single ounce of my efforts was acknowledged, only the assumption that I or my family was to blame for the problem. AND Abraham does say often that everything in your experience is your own fault, so whether I directly caused it or not, it was at least energetically attracted, thus my fault I suppose.

There have been other friendships that ended when I quit putting forth the effort, feeling like they were one-sided, and I guess I was right because the moment I quit trying they ceased.

So for the last 2 years we have had no significant interactions. Only the pair that used to be neighbors, and we’ve attended a half dozen of their gatherings.

I told the current office friend:

“BTW: funny, not funny, you have to live. You’re my only actual friend right now. You’re the only person beyond Nathan that has conversations with me outside of my table. … Thank you for caring.”

She replied with friendships aren’t easy and it takes work. I told her I do my best, but it never seems to be good enough. We talked about several other things and she told me it will get better. I hope she is right.

I’m not saying this to be Debbie-Downer or sound whiney. I’m genuinely curious.

On one hand I wonder if I should have let the depression win when I was younger and there wasn’t anyone beyond parents and siblings to care I died. If I had killed myself before Nathan, then it would have been the least impact. As is it, if I ended my futility game, it seems like it would now be a burden to my loving husband and children. That keeps me trying to reach for better.

However, I have reached a place where I’m just tired. Maybe its a little of everything all trying to burry me. Maybe I’m just rehashing old negative patterns. Maybe it’s letting too many other people’s energy or thoughts into my awareness. Regardless, I’m tired of trying to do all the work, tired of always having to improve myself, tired of fighting for better when it doesn’t really seem to matter. I am ready to just give into the loner mentality. Accept that aloof independence like a cat, as after all I have always tended to identify with cats. One doesn’t have to have anyone in their life, existence can be done alone or together, and maybe I am supposed to experience this life from the loner perspective. If that is the case “Resistance is Futile”.

Then again maybe life really doesn’t matter, any way you look at it. Maybe it is a construct created by others to persuade you to keep torturing yourself. If that is the case, there aren’t even very many others in my life to matter. The handful that would care hardly seem worth the struggle, only Nathan carries the pang of regret in that statement.

My life matters to less than a dozen people, and 4 of those would be merely inconvenienced by my not showing up to work. The rest are all family, either biological or via Nathan.

Abraham says that life shouldn’t be effort. That we can find ourselves and our inner being, and thus find happiness without effort. If we do that we will have all of the good things, and supposedly in a fairly consistent flow.

Yet, I find those moments of release and still mind, through effort. The ways that work best for me are mantras, guided meditation, yoga, or doing artwork. All of those require some effort on my part. The extra kicker is that it doesn’t last. The moment I stop doing one of those activities, my brain seems hell-bent on either just hamster-wheeling or heading back to negative. So my meditation feeling wears off fairly quickly.

Very few days, do I manage to stay buoyant, and those days are the ones I manage to keep the hamster on the positive thoughts. It’s not as rare as it used to be, but for as much effort as I have put into it, it doesn’t manifest as frequently as I would like either.

So then pile on top of this, the knowing that I don’t really have any friends, and especially none that can help me pull up, I wonder why I’m here.

Sometimes, I would just like someone to talk to and work through things. Because I struggle to do it on my own, I keep hoping that there would be someone to help. Someone that cared as much as Nathan and maybe was a bit better at helping. Nathan tries, but he either plays whipping boy or tries to over compensate and becomes obnoxiously bubbly happy. Neither really works for me, and I always feel horrible about having hurt him when he turns into whipping boy, even if it is all just verbal. I need the middle road to work out of a hole and reach for better, and in my adult life, that middle road has been found through herbs and mirror work all by my lonesome.

I give my heart to people and genuinely care about them. Will it ever matter?

So yes, my quandary from above:

What does one do when they have done their best to do that, for many years, and have very little to show for it? Specifically in relation to relationships.

I’m doing the work to improve myself, have been for years. I care about others, maybe too much. However, it is not in their opinion of me so much, as I do mostly what I want- I don’t shave, I wear what I want and don’t wear makeup, I work when and how I want, I do jobs that I want, and when I have a chance for recreation or hobbies I do mostly what I want. No, I care as in they are human beings I would like to know, I care that they are getting by okay, I offer assistance when I can, and I am always willing to make time for people I would like to know.

When do I find my reciprocation that makes it all worth it. When do the relationships I desire manifest? When do I align with others that are also doing their best to improve themselves and can honor and respect me for my efforts. I do want those significant others, but I would also love to have genuine solid strong friendships. When will there be people that care about me as a human, as much as I do them?

It’s not whine fest, just an acknowledgement of my law of attraction process and another topic that isn’t manifesting as noticeably as I thought it would have by now. Clarification from Abraham or Shiva is welcome.

May you have your clarifying moments to provide greater understanding. May you find that you have ample friendships and/or significant others. May you feel loved and supported by both humans and God. May you find your inner being in easy least effort ways, and manage to maintain that feeling mostly. May your hamster-wheeling cooperate with you. May you find that you have just the right people in your life when you need a certain kind of pick-me-up. May you have all of the support and guidance you need. May your loneliness always be replaced with a sense of feeling the divine. May you understand all of your challenges. May you know the angels are watching over you, and it is okay to live life upside down, that you will still have everything you want and desire eventually.

Siva Hir Su

Lyrics
Angels watching over me
With smiles upon their face
'Cause I have made it through this far
In an unforgiving place
It feels sometimes this hill's too steep
For a girl like me to climb
But I must knock those thoughts right down
I'll do it in my own time
I don't care (care, care)
I'm halfway there (go there)
On a road that leads me straight to who knows where
I'll tell you what (I'll tell you what)
What I have found (what I have found)
That I'm no fool (that I'm no fool)
I'm just upside down (just upside down)
Ain't got no cares (ain't got no cares)
I ain't got no rules (ain't got no rules)
I think I like (I think I like)
Living upside down (living upside down)
Watching people scurry by
Rushing to and fro
Oh, this world is such a crazy place
It's all about the go, go, go
Sometimes life can taste so sweet
When you slow it down
You start to see the world a little differently
When you turn it upside down
I don't care (care, care)
I'm halfway there (no way)
And I'm just soaking up magic in the air
I'll tell you what (I'll tell you what)
What I have found (what I have found)
That I'm no fool (that I'm no fool)
I'm just upside down (just upside down)
Ain't got no cares (ain't got no cares)
I ain't got no rules (ain't got no rules)
I think I like (I think I like)
Living upside down (living upside down)
You got to slow it down (yeah, yeah, yeah)
And then you pick it up (woa, yey, yo)
Come on and try a little topsy-turvy back
To front the right way round
Take it slow, slow, slow (you gotta pick it up)
Yeah, yeah, yeah (let me see you slow it down)
Hey, yo, yo (tell me something, something)
I'll tell you what (I'll tell you what)
What I have found (what I have found)
That I'm no fool (that I'm no fool)
I'm just upside down (just upside down)
Ain't got no cares (ain't got no cares)
I ain't got no rules (ain't got no rules)
I think I like (I think I like)
Living upside down (living upside down)
I'll tell you what (I'll tell you what)
What I have found (what I have found)
That I'm no fool (that I'm no fool)
I'm just upside down (just upside down)
Ain't got no cares (ain't got no cares)
I ain't got no rules (ain't got no rules)
I think I like (I think I like)
Living upside down (living upside down)
Source: LyricFind