Tag Archives: funny

You might be tired if…

– you fall asleep at QT fuel stations frequently. 

– you miss an appointment that you scheduled yourself for the first time ever in 5 years of self-employment.

– you start to head to another appointment a day early.

– you make it to the only Halloween event that your family is going to this year (compared to dozens in previous years), and promptly take up residence on the only sofa.

– your costume is a store bought witch hat & your only black skirt worn over your work clothes. (previous years costumes were very elaborate)

– every spare moment is meditation opportunity, but often turns into a catnap sitting up straight.

– perfect strangers comment that you look tired, and ask if you’ve had a long day.

– your coworkers express sympathy for your fatigue several times a day.

– every opportunity to sit is taken with a huge sigh of relief.

– you started to refer to yourself as an urban zombie.

– you take your husband’s head off over stupid crap instead of giving out the usual hugs and kisses.

– you fall asleep and when your alarm goes off in the morning, your immediate thought is “no way, I just set that a few minutes ago, did I screw up!”

– you have no recollection of your night except your one groggy potty trip, though some nights not even that.

– you realize that your first real day off is a majorly fun holiday and your only thought is “I can sleep in, or maybe the whole day!”.

– you fantasize about your online boyfriend, and it really just involves a good kiss and falling asleep in his arms.

– you find yourself frequently thinking “focus, what focus; I have no ability to focus on anything anymore”…. That or just inadvertently staring off into space even while someone is talking to you.

– you feel like a real live Igor; limp, haunch, and all.

– you realize your 2nd prenatal appointment is in a few days & hope your husband remembers everything important for you.

– you discover you’ve lost 30 pounds in the first trimester from your spectacular diet and pretty good willpower, but you’re inner voice responded with a monotone “that’s great, another 7 months to go.”

-hard surfaces frequently get turned into imaginary pillows.

– and finally: writing this makes you want to crawl into bed, even though you’re sitting in a friend’s house an hour from home.

Why gluten is like sex with your X.

It was a good day.  I’m loving life today and very confident.  It must be showing because I’ve had oogles of compliments today.  So, since I’m feeling great,  here’s that funny post I promised. 

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So soft, warm and moist. I cradle the supple gooey bits. The smell is amazing,  so wonderful I just want to bury my face in the warm pillows.  The texture is amazing,  soft yet flakey, airy yet dense, firm on the outside and so giving on the inside. The moister the better,  it  makes me drool with expectation. My jaw hands agape. I just can’t wait to dig  in  and devour every bit with eager abandon. 

And then I think of the cheesy buttery logs of glory.  The smell is intoxicating.  I want to devour every glorious delicious inch. Jusy the right amount of firmness, with that oh so wonderful coating.  I could eat millions of them in a lifetime,  it never gets old.  So delicious,  making every bit of my body feel warm and luscious.  Every cell of my body a twitter with excitement. 

Yet,  when the deed is done,  the reality sets in.  That was not a good idea.  I can’t erase that moment.  It sets in slowly,  creeping into my mind.  The horror of what I’ve just done.  I start to hold my belly,  roll over and close  my eyes. I fall asleep hoping that when I wake it’ll have just been a bad dream. Yet I know it’s not.  The morning will bring  a walk of shame,  the remnants of that bad choice will follow me for hours,  neigh days.  Hopefully not weeks.  How does one break up with such a blissful monster yet again? 

And that is how gluten is just like sex with your ex. An oh so wonderfully delicious yet horribly wrong idea.