Tag Archives: futility

Everyone finally cares.

I have been focusing very intently to pull up lately, and have had to resort to various herbal aids. So this will be the first of several posts that were inspired in that process. This was the result of the lower vibrations, feeling some futility and anger. Subsequently as my vibration climbed I thought of other topics to write about. I started each topic as the thought occurred, so I’ll get them done and up as quickly as I’m able to.

My thyroid is bouncing all over despite taking my Armour doses. My blood sugars are uncontrollable and inflammation is rampant, despite doing all the things that used to work. I have been doing EVERYTHING right, and I’m taking all of my supplements plus several new ones, especially for the sugar battle. I’m still strictly AIP, and mostly seaweed and celery, I’ve even managed to cut back on frequency of lapses/oopses. I’ve had a super-humanly-clean 6 months. Additionally, I don’t feel very stressed, so it all points to my body’s still, or again, trying to fight something, or several somethings, off.

I suspect it’s a combination of that chronic Epstein-Barr-Virus battle (undiagnosed for 20+ years) and Covid. I’m not active Covid, but ever since catching mystery virus (testing wasn’t available here when I was told I had an unknown virus), I’ve had more trouble in general this past 12 months.

It doesn’t help that my awareness includes Covid living casualties.

One of my clients is what is being deemed a Long-Hauler, being he tests negative but still has multiple symptoms that are nagging him almost two months later. Some of his symptoms overlap with my thyroid woes and the extra anomalies I have faced this year. I also have an acquaintance/friend that has reported similar long-term problems from her known Covid case.

Beyond that my whole family is struggling long-term with spaciness, sluggishness, and brain fog. My son who faired the worst with mystery virus infection, has now begun having more significant lapses. Essentially, he has been having functional blackouts. One almost caused him harm. He was caught by Nathan entering our neighbors backyard in socked feet with their dogs barking at him. He didn’t realize where he was or how he had gotten there. It’s very disheartening and concerning.

Chronic viral infections wasn’t a concern on anyone’s radar until Covid, and I still have no idea why.

Even for AIDS and Hep B we have expensive cocktails to manage symptoms and reduce viral load, but no true fix. And I’ve been saying the entire Covid journey, that it boggled my mind how people were so upset about a new disease when we’ve done nothing for existing viral diseases. I’ve said the entire time that vaccines only pretend to protect people from some diseases. Between vaccine fails of a wide variety, and the fact that a vaccine is impossible to produce until much after a disease has already begun to spread, they simply don’t truly protect us. Also, there are numerous diseases that vaccines have never been created for, Epstein-Barr being just one, and bonus we now know it is very hazardous long-term for many.

I am beginning to think that Covid is the new Epstein-Barr. I shudder to think how many people will endure long-term woes for years before true solutions are developed, especially since western medicine is still full of greedy bastards enjoying making money off of our fears and symptoms. As long as the system allows them to make so much money off of treating symptoms alone, they will have no incentive to create real lasting solutions.

When we can solve computer viruses better than human viruses, there’s a major problem. See the incentive there was we had begun to rely on our computers for everything, and if they had gone down we’d all have been screwed. Even computer manufacturers relied on their own devices, and would have been mamed if solutions for electronic viruses had not been developed.

Yet, after approximately 100 years of study on biological viri, we still have no real true permanent solution for human viruses, which means there is no incentive for pharma to solve it.

Perhaps if Covid is really behaving like Epstein-Barr, then maybe everyone will begin to understand that it is imperative to find a kill switch for viral infections. I would have thought AIDS and Hep B would have done that, but apparently not enough people caught those diseases.

Or maybe it’s not the quantity of people, but who. Maybe it needs to become an issue for all of the elite, all of the CEOs and upper management of pharma. Maybe then we’ll actually see change and real solutions.

We need real treatment(s) to help find actual health and kill chronic disease. It’s not a new problem, but perhaps enough people, or the right people, will finally get it and work towards finding the real solutions.

Finally, I want to add my two cents on progress vs failure. Western medicine will finally produce more true healing options for all diseases, or it will fail. People have begun to distrust doctors to do their jobs, clinics to help when they don’t feel right/well, and pharma to make anything that actually works permanently. Western medicine knows they’re loosing too many. People no longer trust them to do what’s right. The masses have begun to notice the greed machine pasting temporary bandages on symptoms, knowing the bandage will only last so long before it will need replaced by the next best option.

People now know their options are limited. I myself have come to the point that if all I’m doing is managing symptoms, what does it matter if it’s herbs or prescription drugs. Either way it’s not going to fix anything and I might as well give in completely, at least that way I can enjoy what life I do have. The manage symptoms game is not only futile, requiring constant adjustments, it’s ultimately it’s a shit ton of work to get nowhere and thus pointless.

Anyway, if there are any other long term major failures, then Western Medicine will have lost trust with too many people. People will simply start walking away from the expensive useless symptom management game. Allopathic medicine is balancing on a ledge that could easily lead to systemic bankruptcy. The only way for the system to be salvaged is for the parts to work as a whole and actually produce long-term solutions beyond symptom management. But that’s just my observation.

For now I choose to focus on the positives. I focus on the fact that my physical size is smaller. My skin is shrinking, so even though it still sags from weight loss, it’s no where near as floppy as when I initially lost weight. I no longer have allergy bumps in odd places. I no longer have the red ruddy cheeks I grew up with. My muscles are stronger than ever, and in many ways my visible appearance is improving significantly. I still have beautiful soft hair, and my thyroid is managed well enough that I’m no longer loosing my hair. I can handle full time massage therapy work with a manageable amount of discomfort. In general I usually feel better than in my past. I’m able to workout most days and that helps me feel even better. In fact, I’ve exercised all but 6 of the last 30 days. I am doing EVERYTHING right, and that has to count for something, so I’ll ignore what’s not in alignment yet, with the assumption that it’ll get there eventually, one way or another.

May you have better luck and more trust in Western Medicine than I do. May you find, and be able to afford, options that can solve your problems for real. May you have reachable, life affirming, choices within reach. May you know you are healthy in every way possible. May you know you have many days left to live and have all the reasons to keep living. May you know that your love and magic can conquer all. May you know that more than anything, God loves and supports you in all that you do, and regardless of your ability to get your body in full vibrational alignment.

Om Shanti


That was the time I woke this morning.

I’m still awake. Someone’s in my head, at least it feels that way.

I woke originally with thoughts of futility about people in my life. I keep getting those stupid message notifications for videos and music. All of them implying I should be apologizing for leaving people hanging. Yet, I’m the one that begged for them not to do that to me. I’m the one getting left hanging. I’m the one that begged for honesty, caring and compassion (& love) from them. I’m the one that helped them as much as I could until their old habits and lies took care of the problem. I did what I could, and results for everyone in my life were because of things I couldn’t control, mostly on their end of the equation.

Yet, it wasn’t just the futility of those people. Now I’m stuck on the futility of western medicine, and life.

My health journey has hit a point of needing the low income clinic again. The ass P.A. I went to wasted my money, so to even get my thyroid meds refilled I need to go back to KC Care. My appointment is tomorrow afternoon.

But I don’t even give a shit anymore. They’ll be able to refill my script, but not much else, even if they wanted to.

Doctors that could do more, don’t.

Everything hangs on vaccines that have 1% to 3% risk rates. That’s everything from “I had a bad allergic reaction”, to people like the lady I knew that dropped to the floor getting vaccines for a vacation and is now a quadrapalegic and never got her vacation, to people that die from them. But they’re our savior- NOT!

Nevermind that we have a new virus that millions have already caught. Those millions are either experiencing repeat infections, or like Epstein-Barr Virus  it just hangs out waiting for an opportunity to flare and reinfect. I’m betting it is the latter. In which case the vaccine will save no one at all.

And we still have NO solution for any viral disease after you’ve caught it. None, nada, zip, zilch. Several hang out in your body for years, doing varying degrees of damage and destruction. But nothing is acceptable to doctors/allopathic-medicine as a reliable way to eradicate chronic viral infections.

The best option is oxygenation therapy. Essentially a peroxide solution in IV-therapy bags. Less than $20 in true costs (plastic, peroxide, distilled water), but IF you can find a doctor that will actually do it, you’ll pay $2000-$3000. And there’s no guarantee it will kill everything in one go. It usually does, but it really depends on your body mass, how much damage you have, and how deeply hidden virus particles might be. So there are some people that need two or three rounds before they are free and clear and able to heal properly.

And me personally. I’ve spent 7 years learning how you squelch depression and manage my thyroid, to have this year’s viral battles, both with Covid and EBV, make it a nearly impossible ongoing issue.

At this point my body hurts frequently. The last few months my liver and pancreas seem to have periods of struggle where I feel them swollen and inflamed and sometimes it outright hurts. I’m in the midst of one such period now. My upper abdomen is painful to touch and aches just sitting still. My sugars won’t come back down unless I fast, and I spend more of my days not eating than consuming anything. When I do eat, 75% of the time it’s seaweed and celery with a smear of peanut butter. The other 25% of the time is meals Nathan fixes for dinner, and 90% of those are AIP friendly.

I’m doing everything in my power correctly and it’s no use. It’s not fixing things like it used to.

I blame Covid, but have no proof I even had it, because testing wasn’t available when I was originally sick, and by the time the antibody test was available it was past the 3-week window of accuracy. So at this point, I could retest when I have one of my anomalous moments like the dizziness or abdominal pain, but I would be risking spending resources to maybe get inaccurate results, since testing still seems to be quite questionable, regardless of which one you’re taking about. It seems that for accurate results it’s down to a two out of 3 type situation, having known several people need to do just that to figure out if they were really sick or not. The ‘I’m actually sick’ test is finally now available at certain locations for free, but the antibody test will still run $150 per test.

Why bother?

It’s not something I care to waste money on knowing there’s no real solution anyways. Even if I did show positive for Covid or the Covid antibodies, there’s still no solution I can even attempt to afford. Even if I had several thousand dollars to try the oxygenation therapy, there’s only 3 docs in the KC metro that offer it. Who knows how long it’d take to get in. Even if I did, it’s not a guarantee it’d reset me to normal and healing.

It’s definitely feeling like futility and “why bother”.

Too bad Dr. Oz or Dr. Fauchi can’t actually create change on this matter. Our medical system will never change. There are too many greedy-old-white-men controlling that system to create any real change anytime soon. They would all have to catch a chronic disease that started to eat their bodies, for anyone to care about medicine being truly for healing and not making money. Unless they all face what me and others are going through, they just won’t care.


May you have a, full night’s sleep, a better day and less feelings of futility. May you know that somehow God will make this right.

Siva Hir Su and Om Shanti

If you can’t figure out how to be wealthy, then figure out how to be poor well.

So my husband likes to tell me that I’m quotable.  The title  is one such instance.  It was an analogy to follow  up a statement regarding Anya’s hair.  She has battled  with her hair her whole life and doesn’t like it- being half like black hair, and half like Caucasian  hair; so I said you can’t really truly change your hair – as in going from curly to naturally straight.  So I said if you can’t change it,  then learn how to make it the way you want with the least amount of  trouble.

That’s what I’m  doing with my whole  life. I’ve tried and tried, and worked very hard at trying to unburry our little family. Every time,  I’ve gotten the proverbial smack down,  & ended up no better off.

Almost 11 years ago,  I willingly climbed into the hole with Nathan. I saw a good man that had been ruined in a nasty divorce, not of his making.  I’ve never heard another person say,  I just want to see my daughter and keep my house,  so many times.  My heart went out  to him & his daughter.  The hole was created when the divorce ordered him to pay post dated child support for Anya’s entire life to that point (about 14 months, & 6 grand), & ordered that regardless of his X’s portion of mortgage payments (less than 1/4 because of her not working  during college) he had to settle half of the equity of the home (almost 8 grand).  Because his X didn’t want to ever see him again, she fought everything, to the point her lawyer confessed  he was sick  of her. The divorce finally wrapped up after Anya turned 1, and cost 10 grand. So by the time he refinanced to accomplish the house requirement,  he started in the hole by $24,000, just because he refused to walk away from his daughter all together.  That was on top of his student debt.

I should have seen  that was a bad idea,  especially since I had my own college debt and a car to pay for.  But I was in love with a man AND his beautiful smart daughter. I couldn’t see them both ruined if I could do anything to prevent it.

I moved in and tried to help pay for EVERYTHING! Unfortunately, it was a losing battle. I had barely finished college and was still working my student jobs,  & Nathan hadn’t finished college much before me and was also still working in the same field that put him through college & enabled the house.  Neither paid well.

I did eventually find a job in my field of education,  but it was an entry level position with a small business,  and didn’t pay any better than my previous position. Shortly later Nathan was fired because he refused to give up visitation with Anya knowing his X never allowed him to adjust, & his work  essentially said work or be fired.  Long story short, he took his daughter over his job,  and I can’t fault him for that.

However,  the 2 put together meant the house went into foreclosure.  I had already entered back into school for massage hoping it would help,  and finished right as the foreclosure was finalized.  We had to stay with my parents for a while.  I found the first  massage job I could that would put us closer to Anya and we found a rental out in the country dirt cheap. I did my best,  but things never did turn to the better.  That year I lost my car- repossessed,  we went  some months without utilities.

Our most memorable moment was when we didn’t have gas  service,  so we were cooking on the grill at the park across the street.  I lit the fire,  dropped the corn cobs on,  realized I forgot tongs, & as soon as I came back out I realized the corn was engulfed in flames.  I sprinted back & pulled the cobs off  as the foil wrappers began to disintegrate.  We had the most delicious 4 minute corn ever!

Finally though, we had to admit that the move was a failure.  Try, try again!

We knew people in Kansas City, and discussed with them possibilities.  They offered to help us transition.  We used our tiny Toyota truck to move everything we owned down  into storage in 2 trips. It was comical how tall the tarp wrapped truck was.
The friends kicked us out by December.  That holiday season was hard for us.  We did find a rental quickly,  but had no money to spare, & the jobs we managed to get when we got to KC weren’t great.

Then Nathan got sick.  I became sole financier.  I almost failed.  We were days shy of being evicted when I finally started catching up.  Then my Gallbladder went bad,  & the whole mess fell apart.  We already had almost $100,000 from Nathan’s medical adventure,  so fortunately the hospital didn’t bat an eye on writing mine off. His  journey has been challenging,  & I’d rather have him alive  than dead, so I’ve accepted my role,  but damn.  When the best thing you can say about it is that his student loans quit chasing him due to permanent disability,  that’s not saying much.  The circumstances of his hospital stay & diagnosis meant that we could never get disability to go through,  so I’m it.

We tried  to save money by living with another family,  but dysfunction meant our cat almost got eaten by their dog.  I was done.  We moved again!

This time to a small apartment, utilities paid by the building,  but no laundry services.  Not a huge deal until we discovered the building was infested with bed bugs. Do you have any idea how much it costs to wash and dry everything you own  -including bedding and stuffed animals- at a laundromat every 2 to 3 months. And then we got full custody of Anya when her mom died of  cancer. Bedbugs & a grieving pre-teen do NOT go together.


So now,  I’ve relegated myself to making the best of being poor. I’m going to build our home: by hand, from scratch, as I can pay for supplies. Then I’ll save up some  money & move it,  put in a well, septic,  solar panels,  & small wind turbine, & build a greenhouse.  Then add on for the grandparents & aunt,  then  from there we’ll be set & I can work just enough to pay for taxes, non-grown food,  & vehicle related expenses.
I think I can realistically accomplish all of that in 10 years, maybe less.

I’ve decided the thing that bugs me most about all of the law of attraction hype is the lack of action & the loss of perspective. Yes, anything  is possible,  but it may not be probable at all, or at least in your lifetime. Beyond probability,  how can anything happen if you don’t DO anything tangible. If you aren’t attempting to do anything that will produce money,  then you’re not gong to see any. HELL, if I can spend a decade doing my level best to make money- including running my own business,  & none ever does manifest;  how the hell are you going to while sitting on your ass making vision boards.

If you want X but never do anything that could result in X, then you’ll never get X.
Y +Z does not = X
A+B+C+D+E+F+G+ .etc might eventually = X

So, I’ll take the latter,  & if the universe eventually decides to say “atta boy” and drop more money in my lap,  or suddenly allow my previous actions to be more lucrative,  then great.  I’M NOT HOLDING MY BREATH ANYMORE!  I’m going to just make the best I can of a crappy life of poverty with the understanding that I’ve done everything I know & can do to attempt to make things better, including going to school twice to try & change that. I’m willing to learn,  I’m willing to act,  I’m willing to do,  I’m willing to work hard, I’m willing to help others and support others,
& will continue to do all of those things regardless as to whether the universe/divine honors me or rewards me for all of my efforts.

C’est Tout!