Tag Archives: get real

Why Live?

I am a little confused and frankly a bit angry with God at the moment.

Abraham has been quite clear over the years that if you raise your vibration, then people that are too far outside of your vibration are supposed to be deterred energetically. The vibrations bounce off of each other and you simply fail to connect.

Yet my daily experience is not showing that yet.

I have been over the “C” word for quite some time now. I am not afraid of sickness at all and frankly I’m quite perturbed that a system seemingly enjoying and profiting off of ill health (frequently caused by viral infections) seems to care less about actually solving viral diseases, especially from the ‘you caught it, now what’ side.  Particularly since we have many that are carried lifelong and do more damage than this silly one does, and many of those known systemic assassins are horribly under diagnosed and severely mis-treated or un-treated. My own health journey has demonstrated that in a huge way, and I still have more hope through alternatives than western medicine even pretends to offer. I think that all this nonsense is just that, and I’m done giving a flying eff about it.

Yes it’s another disease, yes it’s going to kill people, get over it, and if you want to be an effing scardy cat leave me out of it.

Yet, I keep interacting with them. I dropped my two ladies like a bad habit when I hit my limit with their spouting nonsense, and today I got a replacement at the office.

At one point after saying “I simply can’t live in fear anymore”, he decided to argue that it isn’t fear. I literally started repeating “I’m done talking now, I’ll stop talking now, please stop talking.” After several repetitions, he merely paused for 30 seconds before he started trying to argue at me. I didn’t respond and let him rant at me while I finished the last 10 minutes of his 30 minute back massage. I was glad I was wearing a mask because I’m certain I breathed fire at one point towards the end- my inner dragon definitely tried to rear it’s head.

Here’s the deal, if you’re in a place where you feel the need to rant at a massage therapist, the massage is probably months overdue, and why did you even bother. It was obvious that my role there was not to fix muscle tension, as he was quite comfortable with it and didn’t want to let go of anything long enough to solve the muscle tension. No, he wanted a captive whipping boy, and I’m good enough at taking abuse from men that I didn’t end the session and walk out. I suppose that was my vibrational lapse. Thanks dad.

But that takes me to my last point: if you feel the need to argue with a complete stranger that you sought out for help, there’s probably a greater problem within you that you are not acknowledging. No stranger should ever be subjected to your desire for a fight, but it seems that the world is set on destroying each other at the most rapid pace possible. It’s not bad enough we have viral diseases that can cause cancer, it’s not bad enough that we have other cancers that kill people regularly, it’s not bad enough we have rampant heart disease, it’s not bad enough you could die from any one of several viral/parasitic/bacterial diseases, it’s not bad enough that we could die in an accident at any time- no, let’s find new and more ways to stir and continue fights and kill each other off. Let’s get creative on the attacks and methods of destruction for our own race. Let’s enjoy making explosive toys that take lives and ruin history for humanity. That’s a great idea.

After the 30 minute massage under duress, I spent the following hour fuming. All his arguing only pissed me off, but I’ve got enough sense now, that I ranted to myself on a drive home and let it go (mostly, I’m hoping this finishes it off). None of what he said changed my mind, none of what he said persuaded me to feel differently about this disease, and OH he tried. He really wanted to scare me, he did his best. He gave me every excuse, every lame scare tactic, every ‘chicken-little sky-is-falling’ line he could think of. He thought I had bought into political antics over it and started to rant about “listen to the politicians” at which point I calmly stated  “oh, I don’t listen to any of those ass-hats on either side”. He stammered and continued to rant at me about everything he could think of.

I sincerely hope he never comes back.

The one thing I didn’t say, that I later wished I had is: “Why are you so afraid of dieing from covid when there’s little if anything to live for right now?”

It’s a question I posed to God in the hour after during my solitary releasing rant.

I don’t get the point of it all. On one hand God wants you to see the value of living and our reason for being here, but on the other hand I continue to be inundated by fear mongerers when I have done my level best to distance myself from them.

I struggle to see reasons to keep reaching and living.

I have a beautiful family I deeply care for, but we can’t go anywhere, can’t do anything fun, have no life to speak of. My two toddlers have gotten to go to playgrounds 3 times in the last 7 months and they were all recently, right before the weather turned cold. I spend 6 to 7 days a week wearing a mask and only seeing clients. I haven’t seen smiles on anyone’s faces for most of the year. The only child in my family to see friends was the teen, and she’s only had a few such instances.

Movie theatres have closed, restaurants are barely functional unless you can tolerate weather to sit outside. Businesses I used to frequent have gone belly up and that’s just the local small ones. Several long-standing national chains have gone belly up and others have downsized to the extreme. Malls are functioning at fractional capacity, and everywhere you turn people are ducking away from each other.

This is not life. This is not a world worth living in. Everyone is so afraid of catching a new disease that every other part of our enjoyable existence has crumbled.

If you’re not a hardcore outdoorsy type willing to be outside in any weather, then your options became severely limited. But then again, there’s the giant plume of smoke to encourage people to stay inside anyways. I have been outside more than my family because I simply must have daylight and exercise, so I went for many long walks in parks alone. I pushed my family to do likewise, but they like most of America chose to stay safe and stay home, mostly inside, an hour or two of backyard play a day.

It’s quite sad and disheartening, and I am far more worried about the fate of humanity than my own life in regards to a stupid virus.

I told God, instead of continuing to torture me an my family indefinitely, he could just take us out. God could literally align us with a quick easy exit in seconds, and frankly I think I’m okay with that at this point. I’d much rather have an exit for my family than more of this shit.

Medical systems more concerned about money and politics, than solving disease.

Political systems more concerned about money and war, than solving problems for their constituents.

General populations more concerned with fighting each other and picking sides, then coming together for real compromise based solutions.

Weapons of mass destruction becoming bigger, stronger, more plentiful, more easily accessible, more readily used on each other, and people finding enjoyment in that. Buy all the guns, bigger, shinier, more powerful, and make sure you practice with them. Tell yourselves it’s for the apacolypse, just in case the zombies get you, but ignore the fact that your toys invite reasons to use them.

Race wars, gender wars, marriage rights wars, money wars, political wars, religious wars. Could we possibly invent more reasons to go to war? Don’t answer that. There are enough in my awareness as it is.

It’s all too much, and the good smear is wearing very thin. I really, really have to focus, all day, every day, to see the good in my existence.

It’s becoming more and more challenging and I’ve worked so hard to get this far. I was promised that if I worked at focusing on the good, that eventually it would get easier, yet it never does. Every day seems to get harder and harder to stay focused on the positives. WTF God?!?!


Today I watched cartoons with the kids. We perched in the recliner in front of the fireplace and there were two kids and two cats surrounding me. The recliner couldn’t hold any more if I’d have wanted it to. It was a good moment, and one that stemmed from a strong desire to see good in my world. It was a happy moment.

I really need God to understand that my segment of the matrix really must start showing improvement or I’d rather exit. Unfortunately, I am in the distinct awareness that if I exit, my family is quite doomed and thus if the matrix doesn’t improve then God really must take us all.

There really must be a reason to keep fighting the good fight, to keep reaching for better. There must be a life worth living and enjoying.

I don’t need anyone trying to convince me to live hiding in fear, I need more people willing to live fully. I need positive aware people in my experience. I need open minded solution oriented people in my experience. I need people willing to love and be loved and to work themselves towards better. I need people working on their own thoughts and beliefs to raise their vibrations and reach for better. I need to see improvement that I have worked so hard to find to start manifesting around me.


May you have reasons to live. May others let you live in peace. May you see mostly good. May you enjoy your experience mostly. May the negativity and negatives die. May you know you are supported and that the only thing to fear is fear itself. May your efforts matter and may unwanted experiences bounce off of you.

Siva Hir Su

I will remind you: you turned down quick and painless.

So this week I have come to terms with not being able to fix anything or change anyone, even myself. I have given it a good long hard effort for “paultry results” as Abraham would say. I simply can’t physically do it, and even mentally there are too many thought habbits that I have failed to change. I’m still trying, still meditating frequently, and Nathan reminded me that sometimes winning really looks like just not loosing.

It’s little consolation.

However, regardless of my ability to fix anything, I am still that opinionated out spoken brawd that is going to remind you later of your own failure, as it somehow makes me feel better about my own.

The one eating at me right now, for no aparent reason, is quick painless vs long painful. I can’t count the number of conversations that I have participated in with adults of all ages, even some minors, that all ask for the short/quick and painless death. Every single one of those conversations also acknowledging a belief in some greater power/God including a sentiment of praying for the desired outcome it when it’s their time to go.

Yet, Covid19 comes along and it’s like everyone has forgotten their request, suddenly petrified of the idea of a virus being that solution.

To me, God, and the universe, if you ask for short/quick and painless; what does it matter how that is accomplished? It doesn’t matter if it’s a car accident, heart attack, massive stroke, aneurysm, silent cancer, or virus. They all have the potential to fulfill the quick painless request.

If it’s your time, it’s your time.

Beyond that, your fear of the virus is telling the medical establishment that you are in favor of slow and painful. If you are one of the few that gets the virus and has severe complications (because it’s your time) and is hospitalized for it, they will put you on a ventilator and treat all the symptoms to the best of their ability. You’ve now taken what could have been a couple of days and turned it into potentially weeks of suffering before your exit. Because as I’ve said many times, if it’s your time and the doctors do manage to get you well, something else will come along for another possible solution for your exit. I’ve watched so many people get sick 2 or 3 times in a row before finally letting go and relaxing into the afterlife. Their potentially short quick painless death turned into weeks and weeks of suffering.

That’s just in relation to cyclical diseases like flu and pneumonia. Additionally, everyone with any long term condition, so overly concerned about Covid19, is saying the same thing to the medical establishment. If you have: cancer, lukemia, rheumatoid arthritis, dementia, diabetes, chrones, or any one of the many other severe diseases that we have no solid cure for, and you are petrified of Covid19, then your message is loud and clear: “I like living a long, painful life”. You are literally saying I don’t mind living for years with pain, inflammation, and my body attacking itself repeatedly; I would rather live that way, then have a measly little virus do me in and end all the pain.

It seems horribly messed up to me. I half wish I had been one of the lucky ones that got the quick exit, except I’m certain that mystery virus I had in February was Covid19 and was no worse for me than the flu. Those that were lucky enough to get the quick exit, got out of this mess we now call life and are probably in the ethers laughing hysterically at everyone that is living in fear.

Beyond that, I’m still super annoyed that this virus still has any airtime at all. There are dozens of long term problems in our world that have far worse death tolls than Covid19. Poor water quality, lack of sanitization of any kind for vast portions of our world, lack of indoor plumbing causing disease to spread through improper human waste management, poverty, lack of proper healthcare for easily cured diseases like salmonella, lack of access for all to said proper healthcare even when it does exist, homes that don’t protect people from the elements, homelessness, nutritionally deficient children worldwide (even/especially in the oh-so-great USA), nutritionally deficient people in general, starvation, and yes even global warming (if we don’t solve that, the whole world will eventually suffer and die).

All of these things are continuous problems that we have solutions for, yet continuously fail to implement said solutions because of big dollars. Yet big business, especially big pharma, have no problem making money off all your scared asses because of a measly virus. If we stood up for what is right and just, and sucked up our own stupid fears, the money being made off of Covid19 could become money used to solve any number of the other long term problems we have the knowledge to solve. If you invested the money you waste on doctors and ineffective vaccines on Charitywater.org you would give 10 families clean water for their lifetime. If you invested the money you have wasted on not-cures there could be charity waste programs. If you invested the money you dump on the junk filled foods that cause all the long-term incurable diseases, you could help people get access to antibiotics for actual curable diseases, and might spare yourself more food-disease suffering.

But that is just another one of my half-baked cock-eyed wishful-thinking dreams. My dreams will never exist in my lifetime. Humanity is too dumb to get it, or too lazy to really care about real solutions.

May you have attainable dreams. May you have more faith in humanity. May you believe in yourself and others. May real solutions be found and worked on in meaningful ways. May you see your place on this Earth and make strides for living your best most helpful life. May your words matter and help people to stop, think, and change patterns for better results. May we all work towards better living for everyone. May we feel God’s grace and know we are doing our best to be of assistance to the divine.

Siva Hir Su

Just so I’m not completely ranty, I’ll end with a funny from the Waldo Facebook Group that Nathan shared with me via email… You know since I still boycott Facebook myself.


Repost… to clear up any confusion
The Rules:
1. Basically, you can’t leave the house for any reason, but if you have to, then you can.
2. Masks are useless, but maybe you have to wear one, it can save you, it is useless, but maybe it is mandatory as well.
3. Stores are closed, except those that are open.
4. You should not go to hospitals unless you have to go there. Same applies to doctors, you should only go there in case of emergency, provided you are not too sick.
5. This virus is deadly but still not too scary, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster.
6. Gloves won’t help, but they can still help.
7. Everyone needs to stay HOME, but it’s important to GO OUT.
8. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarket, but there are many things missing when you go there in the evening, but not in the morning. Sometimes.
9. The virus has no effect on children except those it affects.
10. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…
11. You will have many symptoms when you are sick, but you can also get sick without symptoms, have symptoms without being sick, or be contagious without having symptoms. Oh, my..
12. In order not to get sick, you have to eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand and it’s better not to go out, well, but no…
13. It’s better to get some fresh air, but you get looked at very wrong when you get some fresh air, and most importantly, you don’t go to parks or walk. But don’t sit down, except that you can do that now if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant (but not too old).
14. You can’t go to retirement homes, but you have to take care of the elderly and bring food and medication.
15. If you are sick, you can’t go out, but you can go to the pharmacy.
16. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house, which may have been prepared by people who didn’t wear masks or gloves. But you have to have your groceries decontaminated outside for 3 hours. Pizza too?
17. Every disturbing article or disturbing interview starts with ” I don’t want to trigger panic, but…”
18. You can’t see your older mother or grandmother, but you can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver.
19. You can walk around with a friend but not with your family if they don’t live under the same roof.
20. You are safe if you maintain the appropriate social distance, but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance.
21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours, no, four, no, six, no, we didn’t say hours, maybe days? But it takes a damp environment. Oh no, not necessarily.
22. The virus stays in the air – well no, or yes, maybe, especially in a closed room, in one hour a sick person can infect ten, so if it falls, all our children were already infected at school before it was closed. But remember, if you stay at the recommended social distance, however in certain circumstances you should maintain a greater distance, which, studies show, the virus can travel further, maybe.
23. We count the number of deaths but we don’t know how many people are infected as we have only tested so far those who were “almost dead” to find out if that’s what they will die of…
24. We have no treatment, except that there may be one that apparently is not dangerous unless you take too much (which is the case with all medications). Orange man bad.
25. We should stay locked up until the virus disappears, but it will only disappear if we achieve collective immunity, so when it circulates… but we must no longer be locked up for that?