Tag Archives: getting smaller

Out… Me… Relief…

This morning started rough. 10 minutes before I left for work everything went awry. I knew I was picking up on another person and kicked them out to be able to function at work. I showed up and 1st session went okay.

Halfway through my gap between clients I hit overwhelmed and knew I needed to focus. My mantra became:

“Everybody OUT, Now! I need to just be me! Get the eff out of my awareness, I only need to be just me right now!”

I was referencing everyone I was connected to. I had the realization that I want everyone I love to be around me, and it had caused a plume of all their energetic stuff to also be around me. I was overwhelmed by that which I thought I wanted. I want the loving partners and family, but not to the detriment of myself. So I acknowledge I still need to be able to have my space and my time, and that time needed to be now, before it was too late.

It worked, and for the duration of my second session I focused on the moments I feel me, so that I could focus on being just me.

Me is when I’m inĀ  nature. Me is seeing the beauty in and around me. The beautiful butterflies and bees that defy gravity and do delicate dances on the wind to fertilize flowers for even more beautiful abundance. Me is marveling as the sunshine dances through trees’ waving limbs. Me is listening to beautiful songs from beautiful birds. Me is smelling flowers’ sweet scents.

I was just breathing and feeling me, my inner being- it feels good, all while working on my client. It felt like peace and happiness. It felt calm and centered. I love feeling me.

After feeling ME for quite some time while working on my client, I shifted to knowing that I deserve better. I have worked a long time at healing myself. I have put lots of research and thought into healing myself. I have put lots of intuition into healing myself. I have taken many actions, over and over again, over that long span of time, all guided towards healing myself. I had done so well that even though my second pregnancy ended in hives and labor twice as long as the first, my thyroid still didn’t crash as hard as the first time. I have done so well focusing on healing myself that I had two major viral infections in one year and still managed to mostly maintain myself. Not only did I maintain, I lost a little weight and slimmed down a lot. So yes, I deserve proof that what I’m doing is working, tangible validation that others recognize.

That led to my next mantra:

My I.D. is my spirit.
I am a divine being.
I am in alignment with my source.
My source is healing me.
Source Healing is greater than anything man has to offer.
Source is obliterating Dis-ease for me.
I'm healing to my beautiful divine self.
I am beautiful and healthy.

Then I focused on what was next. I was headed to that ultrasound that was scheduled last week. I kept telling myself “I’m going to go get my proof that what I’m doing is working and it’s just got my system riled up.” I thought about what proof might look like, all the options that would be evidence that what I was doing was working. I acknowledged that 2020 hit me hard in several ways, so pretty much anything less than significantly worse was still a sign that my efforts counted.

But I narrowed it down. I deserve this proof because I made it through, but more because I’ve put so much massive effort into my health- I deserve massive results. Considering I’ve fought a new virus on top of an old nagging one, and still had visible results, I felt I was deserving of positive test results. I felt I deserved test results showing significant improvement of some kind. To me that meant that whatever the test showed it should be less significant than the one at the start of 2020.

I arrived for my Thyroid Ultrasound. I knew they were looking for nodules, and filled in the tech. I explained that the previous report said there were several and one was just large enough it could have been biopsied, but doc didn’t seem concerned enough to do so so it never had been. After my description, I said that I was hoping they were either the same or fewer and smaller.

The tech did his job and scanned not just my thyroid itself, but all of the surrounding lymph nodes. That was more than the first one did. He told me he only saw one difinitive lump on the left lobe of my thyroid, and it was still small enough he didn’t think it was even considered large enough to do a biopsy, but that I would need to confirm with my doctor. He told me that he thought it looked like a good scan considering I knew I had Hashimotos and had already been told of the nodules. He had me wait while he confirmed with the radiologist. He came back and said yes they had compared to the previous scan from last year and they both think it looks good, but the doctor will confirm.

I needed that good news something fierce and thanked God profusely. I then immediately texted everyone around me the good news, including Nathan. I was straight giddy from receiving much relieving news.

It’s now been 4 hours and my evening has gone splendidly because of the relief I have felt.

I can’t bring myself to tell my family (mom, dad, brother) because I am not certain my solution well help them. I started before system failure, I started before cancer set in. I’m not certain what I’ve done will heal them as effectively. It wouldn’t hurt to try, but it’s not easy or quick, so even if all 3 started today, I’m not sure it would save them. Then there’s the matter that I’m not sure they want to be saved. You can’t make someone do what they don’t want to do, and they’ve all essentially said they are okay with the alternative.

I will fill them in eventually, but I need for my brother to regain his bearings before I tell him. I love him, and I know it’ll bounce right off of him if he’s still in post surgery dosage attempts. His medicine dose needs to at least be close for him to be able to hear that there’s hope. I would love for him to be able to hear me and reach for his own healing, but I accept that it might not happen even if his meds are fairly balanced.

Regardless, my proof that my efforts are working is exactly what I needed. It is the encouragement to keep going because the light is finally at the end of the tunnel. I’m finally seeing an end in sight. A bit more patience is all that is needed.

May you have clarity when you need it. May you easily find your inner being when it is needed, and especially to receive the blessed healing that only comes from within. May you know your efforts not just counted, but did exactly as hoped. May you feel better and have patience with the discomfort of change and definitely with the healing cycle. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Sort & eliminate….

The shipping container idea has gone nowhere.  No responses,  nada, zip, zilch, none. I find it interesting that I have 2 grand I’m willing to give someone in cashiers check,  money order,  cash even- as long as I get something I can turn into a home. Yet nothing.  It’s just not shaking out. I’m not giving up yet,  but it’s becoming increasingly evident that I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere Missouri, and for whatever reason nothing,  absolutely nothing, is cooperating with me.

So plan, whatever letter I’m on….

Work on downsizing.  Assuming that the shipping  container will eventually manifest, I’ve acknowledged that we still possess far too much stuff to fit in said tiny home. & even if something bigger & better happens, we still have more stuff than we’re using or which I desire to move again. Also, most of what is in storage hasn’t been used in 16 months anyway, so obviously that stuff wasn’t needed. 

So, I’m using my current set of days off to remedy that.  We’ve ploughed through our storage unit separating trash, from items we really want (or that have gone in & come out of storage with changing of seasons), and from things others could use.

Where we started: 

We’ve trashed a lot.  We’ve set-up a garage sale at the unit & so far we’re about half way through the weekend and I’ve only sold a little furniture.  I wasn’t  expecting to make a lot of money,  I have yet to do so off of yard sales ever.  I was merely hoping stuff would disappear with a minimum of effort & get a little fun money in return.

Regardless, the items that don’t sell will get dispatched with. Donated to thrift, books to half priced books,  there’s a few comic books & specialty  game cards that the Vintage Stock store might take. Otherwise, I’ll take anything else to the dump. I hate being wasteful, but if no one else will claim it,  then trash it is.

As of right now the storage unit is much more sparse.  Only our camping stuff,  Jennifer’s 4 giant monstrosities (piano, deep freeze, cast iron stove, and grain bin), & Nathan’s big pile of photographic supplies/equipment. 

Nathan’s pile is 13 totes 3 small boxes & 2 pieces of large equipment. He swears he’s going to follow suit & thin the herd. That’s a lot of thinning to do, & 30 years of attachment to things I rarely see him even handle. I hope he is as successful as we’ve been with everything else.

To be fair & honest, we’ve both collected a lot over the years.  Him 30+, me 15+. We’ve also combined parts of 4 homes together: Nathan’s farm house (from when he was married to Anya’s mom), His Ex-Girlfriend’s house from the same period, my apartment from that period, and Anya’s mom’s house after she died. Now, in each instance we purged a lot,  but anything that seemed useful, neat/cool, or “pretty” was kept.  Probably what should have happened is donate everything from at least 2 of those houses, & part of Nathan’s and my previous homes. There would be less this time around.
But that’s life right.  Live & learn.  Collect things & information & figure out what’s actually useful or not. We just seem to be a little slow on the uptake. 

So, here I sit in 90 degree heat, enjoying the windy sunny day from inside the storage unit hoping someone will alleviate my need to haul things off.

Photo time: 

Left to right: camping stack, photo stuff stack, back corner deep freeze & grain barrel (with the legs to my drawing table on top), cast iron stove,  piano with my drawing table in front. 

There are a few miscellaneous items & 2 easels hiding in there,  but that’s really all that’s left.  The few boxes on top of the piano are either empty or already sorted.

View of inside from outside: 

The big ceramic piece next to my seat (behind the dolly & empty boxes) is going in our garden later today. It’s called T&A and was done by a friend of Nathan’s.  I’m certain it will stay with us for life. 

Outside view: 

All going away, no matter what. 

 There’s a tractor pull in the town our unit is in (literally about 1/2 mi away). Cross your fingers that people come alleviate me of stuff when the tractor pull wraps up!