May we all see what we can do for others. May we all find ways to be as helpful as possible. May we realize that our blessings might seem small to us, but massively meaningful to another. May we have kindness to recognize all of it and share what we can.
Years ago, before my online romance SJ, I promised God that if he helped me pull up I would do my best to do good for God.
Now it seems that my long lost SJ helped me pull up enough that I have regained my balance in this world. I have gotten to a place where I can help others to some degree.
First was my desire to help Chairty Water. I originally started with the tiniest monthly contribution, and now I am able to match what I spend on our TV entertainment each month. It’s a step in the right direction.
Second was my dad. He is now with my sister and the few remaining pieces are slowly resolving. Beyond the healing that enabled for me, I’m glad that he has gotten what he wanted.
Now I have two new situations I am doing my best to help with.
The friend I wrote of with MRSA. Nathan paid a visit to her in the hospital and took flowers. It was simply an acknowledgement that 10 years ago when he was in a similar situation, I- as his wife, was his only visitor. So, he didn’t want her to feel the same way. While there he discovered that her wife had left her and was living with someone else, and her mother and father are AWOL because they are battling their addictions and mental diseases and unable to even be civil human beings. She has no one significant in her life. She has friends only, some of which have already helped and some of which are willing to do more as able. She has two weeks left of her 6 week hospital stay, and then she has no solid plan. The infection was mostly surgically removed, except for a small spot in the left ventricle of her heart, but she now has a massive incision in her groin needing dressing changes. It’s eerily similar to Nathan’s original surgery and predicament.
Anyway after my workday was over Nathan filled me in on his visit and everything they spoke about. I reached out to her and offered our home in the same way I did for my father. I also offered to help her with PT and getting to and from post hospital appointments. I even suggested that I might be able to connect her with a job when she is able to return to work.
It felt really good to be able to do that. It’s really not much; in the grand scheme of things, the changes to our utilities and grocery bills are small enough to not even hesitate. I knew that her need for a space to be able to heal and regain her strength was far more important to God, so I know it will work out. I wish more people were able to do that for fellow human beings. We all need each other sometimes.
The other situation I’m doing my best to help with is the friend and co-worker that had the lump in her breast that I had initially checked to try and help guide her decisions. I had really hoped it was nothing and my gut reaction was off, but it has been diagnosed as cancer. Full ramifications are not known yet, but I know that she is super stressed and worried. I’ve been saying prayers and offering everything that comes to mind. My latest offer is to learn her job at the clinic, off the clock, so that I might be able to help fill in or help train a replacement if needed. I will do whatever is needed because she is a kind human being that needs the support right now. I have been racking my brain reaching for more that I might be able to offer, but she has many friends and family, so I think I have offered what is possible for now. Prayers are always welcome.
Sometimes God really does want us to reach for good for ourselves so that we can help others in the long term. I have learned that lesson in a very palpable way today. Simply because of depression riddled pleas 6 years ago, I have managed to slowly climb myself out of the hole and into being able to help others. There is still a long ways that I can go yet, but I’m extremely grateful that I have made it this far. I am so grateful that I am able to take steps to keep my word with God. I promised I would help him if he helped me, and that is what I am doing. Everyday I help people through my jobs, and now I can even help outside of my jobs.
I really do have my baby Atira. My home is not the big complex dome community of my dreams, but all of the things are present, and especially the charitable works. That was always the most important part anyway.
Beyond that God is healing me. Slowly but surely I know my body is healing and very soon I will have healed every bit of my previous concerns. I can feel and see the difference. I am ever so grateful for that too because I know it is giving me massive amounts of energy to do all of the things I am doing. My body healing is a direct correlation to being able to help others even more. I am so very grateful for all of God’s grace in my life. I hope I can properly honor all the good that has flowed through me.
May you see your place in the world. May you honor the good that has manifested in your life. May you understand how God helped you. May you see that there are people who care and want to help you when you need it most. May you find the ways to return the favors. May you find a way to flow good to others on behalf of God. May you see and understand that God loves and supports you, and wants the best for you, all you need to do is let God in. May you know you are loved.
Siva Hir Su
*The picture is my original. Monarch butterfly on orange zinnia flower. Taken at Kauffman Gardens, Kansas City, Missouri.
I told Nathan I was sorry that I’m not able to manage the grand dream of Atira, but that I’d do my best to get a tiny plain Jane version going with our new home. I reiterated that I sincerely love him and always have.
I’m moving in into accepting that it’s just me and Nathan… And God’s help.
I saw a license plate that said ‘I setld’; in full English that’s “I settled”. I probably am doing that, I am giving up on reaching for my big dream. I tried and got my heart broken several times over. I’m deciding that I don’t think I can handle anymore of that and I’d rather go small and find some results, than go big and end up feeling alone and heart-broken again. Dreams can remain dreams. I’ll live in my fantasy inside my thoughts, like when I was a schoolgirl being scolded for daydreaming too much. It’s my easy way of finding creativity, at least when I’m not too busy functioning in daily life.
This Yule I am going to love me for my endurance and intelligence. I’m going to love me for still caring even after everything I’ve been through. I love me for putting family first. I love me for supporting those I love: Nathan, Anya, Ian, Katherine, and pets (even those people that left). I love me for continuing to work so hard and diligently. I love me for continuing to reach for another slightly better step.
This Yule evening, I lit candles and incense on the altars for Lord Shiva. I said a prayer essentially apologizing for being so dense, but thanking the divine presence for attempting to help me anyway. I acknowledged that I knew I was slowing the flow, but can’t seem to heal my brain enough to fix that, and my puzzle is just too complex to maintain perfectly every waking moment. I just want the divine to know I’ve tried and I honor and respect all the divine help I’ve been blessed with.
To celebrate, we decorated with live trees I can plant later in our new yard. We adorned them in LED lights and a few ornaments. And set the table with my decopage plates from last year’s craft activity.
Anya’s gift to us was a homemade meal of pomegranate citrus salmon with roasted brussel sprouts and honey carrots. And we had a toast of sparkling cider.
In the morning Pagan Santa (the original-a jolly elf king) will deliver a very few toys and clothes to my little ones, and a card-game and treat-giftcard to Anya. I found new bras and undies for myself (another first in over a decade), and Nathan couldn’t find anything he really wanted, swearing he feels blessed regardless.
It is a small impromptu Yule to compensate for changes in plans outside of our control.
May you have solid plans with happy family celebrations to bring all your loved ones close for the holidays. May you feel support and love all around you. May you find your healing and allow the flow of God and good to be abundant always. May your home feel like home and may you always find your holidays comfortable. May you have joyous holidays this year and always.