Tag Archives: goals

Catching up: 3

I Never Wanted a PhD

I had a thought in the midst of all of this that I should take the MCAT and go to med school, essentially I’m over the bullshit and stupidity, especially contradictions with covid, and bonus it would grant me access to the tools I desire at cost. But I had to stop and acknowledge that isn’t a good idea.

It’s not because of my intelligence. I know I am smart enough and not just to pass, no I’d be in the top quater of my class, or better, just like all the rest of my education.

It’s also not because of desires for knowledge, or to be of assistance. I am well aware of how much I have learned and educated myself on, just by my own accord. I’m already really helpful to lots of people in the midst of their own health journies. No being a doctor would not further either of those goals that much, some is guaranteed because I don’t know everything, just what I’ve already had to deal with.

And though access to the tools and financials of being a doctor would be really nice and helpful, I’m not sure that is enough justification.

See I’m well aware of how much outside of most boxes I fall. I would cause too many waves and stir up too much trouble. I would be the Patch Adams pointing out the brokenness of the system at every turn. I would question everything presented to me. I would constantly point out the failings of that approach, just by being me and who I am.

See, I have better bedside manners and palpation skills to start with, than most of them end up with after all their training. I am always looking for the permanent, long-term solutions, not just temporary band-aids. I look for root causes, not the symptom treatments. It’s just because of what I have done for the last 14 years. I have already learned the value of those skill-sets. I would be too much trouble for another doctor just trying to teach how to implement and maintain the “accepted” system. The problem is that it’s not really accepted by everyone, just those that see change as too difficult or too threatening to their pocketbooks.

I also would have major difficulty with the fact that medicine has mastered the pills and procedures, but has ignored and forgotten the rest of us, our mental health, our intuition, our spiritual self. It’s not just that they have ignored it, it’s that they will tell people they are wrong, or suggest something is nothing, and trudge on as they see fit, regardless of the consequences of ignoring the helpful input from the other side. If a doctor had taken my mother seriously the third time she brought me in for the same symptoms, I’d be telling a whole different story these days. Her intuition was telling her there was something wrong and that likely there was a solution, but labwork overrode her pleas.

And I’m on the medical tangent because of having to deal with it far too much this year and especially this week, but I don’t want other PhDs for the same reasons. The whole idea of a PhD is to learn as much as you can on one particular aspect of life/work. It leaves no room for flexibility and working outside the box. It limits innovation and is always about perpetuating the subject at hand, as it currently stands.

I had at one point contemplated a PhD of philosophy or divinity. Despite the low wages for those fields, I was also struck by how few of those people actually knew how to connect with their own inner spirit. Philosophy degrees these days are about history, timelines, religious beliefs as built through institutions, and the mechanics, but rarely teach how to connect with the higher self. And doctors of divinity are essentially indoctrinated by all the details of the religious institution that provided their education. They may get instruction on other religions’ institutions and dogma, but they are taught from the slant of their teachers, not by those other institutions. It screams of being laden with unintentional bias at every turn.

I had even considered music and art. Those degrees are only slightly better in that they encourage creativity and expanding concepts, hopefully leading to some innovation. But it’s still mostly a degree aimed at the end goal of eventually you’ll teach someone else the same things you learned and maybe also what you innovated on.

Beyond that most doctoral degrees are cumbersome with many hoops merely intended to ensure that you can demonstrate the knowledge that you have gained from the coursework. It’s just an added layer of discomfort bogging down my desire to pursue any such degree.

So my doctorit has been gleaned from life.

I have studied all the religions to certain degrees, and usually seek out materials written by their clergy.

I have studied western medicine enough to navigate work and my own and my husband’s health. In turn, it has enabled me to help others along the way, giving them specific questions to ask their providers and things to request in testing and treatments. It has contributed to many people finding the resources they need.

I have studied Traditional Chinese Medicine enough to know a few elements to help myself and my clients. It also helps me to ask the right questions for my own treatments, and enables a knowing of when TCM might help one of my clients more if they tried another approach under that umbrella of care.

I have studied art and music and still regularly produce my own works as much as time allows. Those skills have helped in work environments in non-traditional ways on many occasions and I’m utterly grateful I had the interest to pursue those topics.

I have trained myself on fitness, yoga practices, meditation, and EFT and practice them as often as I’m able. Those too have helped me to help others on a very regular basis.

And in all of this, I hold a bachelor’s degree in studio art with honors, and a massage therapy certification. That is all the more official education that I have consumed. Life will provide you with more than enough education if you allow it. One only needs how to learn from reliable sources. That ability to delineate good from not so good, and consume the information in a way that your brain retains it. That’s it.

So yes, I better not go get any PhD, let alone one in allopathic medicine. I’d be too much trouble for them, and it’s benefits for me would be too slim for the headache I would cause myself.

May you know that you are intelligent and well educated and informed. May you easily see whether or not something is beneficial or resistant in nature. May you understand your place in this world and find easy ways around everything. Above all else, may you know you are loved and supported in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Keeping my word: Update

Our friend Autumn O’Leary should have been staying with us the last two weeks. She hasn’t and it’s not because I changed my mind to help her.

She is doing worse and has been moved to a new hospital. She is now at KU Med Center.

The spot in her heart has become two and is larger. She didn’t tell Nathan what that meant, but I knew.

She has a drug abuse history (family and trauma related) so she is not likely to be considered for transplant. If the infection is controlled, and by that I mean halted, they can replace the valve that was damaged. If the infection does too much further damage to her heart then her prognosis is bleak.

It has also spread to both of her thumbs, and her right leg below where they did surgery in her abdomen to remove the initial infection. She now has a wound drain in her abdomen because they did a second surgery (before this last round of spreading), to clear fluid and additional infection.

She has not walked more than a couple of steps at a time in 2 months. She looks terrible (Nathan’s words). KU Med only allows one visitor per day, so I will stop and see her tomorrow after work.

Please if you read this, send prayers for Autumn.

I will still help her get back her life, if she lives through this.

Regardless, my prayer intention is that she have an easy gentle solution, whatever aligns with her source and the divine most accurately and effectively. I acknowledge that may mean she doesn’t live, knowing God never intends for us to suffer. But I am not God and I can not judge how closely she leans towards life or death. I only hope for the quick solution for which ever outcome is best in God’s eyes.

Please send prayers for her and everyone balancing on that edge.

May you know your life could be worse. May you know God loves and supports us all. May you know that God wants us to enjoy life and and be well. May you know that if you are too far from being able to reach that, God welcomes you home where it no longer matters. Either way, God does it’s best to provide exactly what we need in any moment.

Siva Hir Su

Another conversation with God.

I have been asking God questions, but I can’t get them out of my head to be able to clear space for the answers. So I’m going to dictate my current conversation with God to hopefully allow the space for answers to come.


Hi God: Shiva/Avalokiteshvara/Quan-Yin,

I know you love me and I know Nathan loves me. I know I don’t really need anything or anyone else. So why on Earth do I still want those other people and feel like I must keep trying so hard?

I have gotten really good at loving people that don’t return love. I’m good at loving the man I do have, and decent at showing him my love (there is always room for improvement). So why is it so damn hard to love myself as much? Why do I feel like I want another? Why do I still put others first?

I have spent a lifetime trying to please others. I let myself walk right into several situations where people said the right things, used words to get into me/my life, and took advantage of me and then left me hanging. Some hurt deep to my core and still resurface even after much emotional work. Why do they still resurface? Why is it so hard to let that go and expect others to reciprocate? Why do I still try to do everything, knowing that no-one will do any of it for me? Why can’t I believe that things will be done for me? Why can’t I believe that others will give as much as I do?

I know that I am doing so much better than a decade ago. I know I am far healthier in my daily practices than most of America. I know that I have made huge strides towards fixing my health and being healthy. So why can’t I allow full healing? I want to allow full healing. Why do I feel like that means I need to look a certain way? Why am I so stuck on others being able to see my health? Why do I need validation from others? Why does western medicine get under my skin and bother me so much, and why do I let their tests and opinions matter?

I run circles around most people. I can consume 500-700 calories and still do 5 hours of deep tissue and a full workout and just be normal tired. So why does a doctor doing blood work and writing prescriptions even matter? Why do I want my blood work to be “normal” when I know they frequently change what they think normal is? I know I don’t care about living to 90 and being bedridden on a gaggle of drugs, so why do I care that they think I need any? Why do I feel like I need to be a skinny Minney or body-builder to be considered healthy? Why do I want for my skin to shrink so badly? Why do I care?

I know that I have done far more than many people, in regards to many things. Why do I have such a hard time believing I have done all that needs to be done? Why do I feel like I must have to do more? Why can’t I believe I am enough, I have done enough? I want to, and thought I had figured it out. Why does it keep coming back?

I am carrying enough stored calories to exist for at least 60 days without consuming anything but water. Also, I stay on top of vital nutrition with all my supplements, so I know it isn’t something I am lacking. Why do I still fight cravings? Why does hunger rule my body? Why can’t I just shut it off and stop eating until the stored calories and extra skin are consumed? Why is this process so damn hard?

I want to allow. I know sometimes I feel I am without a doubt. Other times I feel good and think I am allowing, but I still have all these moments, all these triggers that say otherwise. When will I have allowed enough that my change is visible? When will I have full health, and the things I do desire? How much allowing does it take to fix these things? Again, why can’t I see and believe I have already done enough?

I know that some of this will work out in time. The rest I hope I can allow your clarity and your answers. I do love you God and I really don’t want to be a whiney doubting nag. I just want to delete the old programming and allow the new me to be fully revealed and healthy inside and out. I’m doing my best and I’m trying to believe I am enough. I am so grateful for everything you have done for me already. I thank you everyday for all the good that has already manifested, and I am ever so grateful that I am able to help others through my connection to your light. I hope to be able to continue spreading your light and blessings for many years to come. I hope those that I may have hurt forgive me, and that any damage done is healed for everyone. I love you, God, more than anything or anyone else.


May you have good conversations with God. May you allow room for the answers you need. May you find you are able to listen for those answers. May you have ample things to find gratitude over. May you have joy and love in your life. May you be able to release old limiting beliefs. May you know that others care and reciprocate your affections and acts of service. May you know God loves you and supports you. Above all, may you find love for yourself and find ways to show yourself love daily.

Siva Hir Su