Tag Archives: goals

In other news….

That picture is soooo not me, I don’t have a picture of me working out! Perhaps I should fix that!

Anyway, to start, my stress triggers recap: house hunt/purchase attempt(s), Equifax mumbo jumbo, mortgage application, frigid weather, sinus cold, my dad’s state of being, hormones, relationships/moving-on from pointless hopes, kids being kids…

Yeah: I think that’s most of the ones I’ve talked about of late.

Now add to that my brand new shiny computer had a glitch from a recent Microsoft update, and the resulting frustrations over not being able to work on my dome designs. I had really hoped to have a significant amount of that completed to show here by now, but alas it will have to wait until the glitch is resolved. I won’t have Sunday time to do that until after Thanksgiving, but I very much look forward to the results when I eventually do get to it.

I am slowly chipping away at the process to become a continuing education course provider. Currently I’m on the portfolio/curriculum vitae. It doesn’t seem on the surface that it would be a big deal, but organizing 15 years of applicable skills into the format they are seeking is a bit tedious. So that is not completely done yet either, and I haven’t even started writing my courses. I projected 6 months when I decided to commit, and like all cases, my estimate may or may not be entirely accurate, but I will eventually complete it. One step at a time, as my schedule allows.

Finally, because of all these stress triggers, I’m feeling the need to burn it off – quite literally!

Except when I’m smack dab in the middle of a stress-trip with a spice cake right in front of me, I have little to no appetite. I’m still eating, but finding it easier and easier to stick to healthy items in very small portions. That’s a great thing! Especially since I’m officially eating vegan now; no grains, no meat, no dairy, no soy, no nightshade vegetables; except that darned piece of cake!

Then, I have a strong desire to move nearly constantly. In between clients I am finding myself pacing quite a bit. I’ve also been taking every opportunity to go exercise. Being it’s been so much colder, nearly all of my workouts have moved inside. I’ve been alternating between the Planet Fitness across the street from work and the YMCA near home.

I have been lifting 2 to 3 times a week, except this week because my cold caused a missed day. I do use the dummy-proof machines since I’m not working with a trainer or spotter.

As for cardio, I am still getting at least 40 min of speed walking via treadmill 4 to 5 days a week, I aim for an hour when possible. I fluctuate between 3.8 and 4.2 mph on the treadmill because I so enjoy matching the beat of the music I’m listening to. This last week though, I’ve been working with incline more, to push the cardio aspect a bit. It’s that or run, and I really don’t enjoy running…. ¿Yet!? …. Will I ever?

Anyway, I just wanted to share my progress with my readers to show you really can do anything you want. For me, that just means a little of everything.

My current lifts are all weights based on 3 to 5 sets of 10 reps at a time. I do 2 sessions, with the second hitting 5 sets, before I raise the weight by 5 pounds again. Last week I had a day I pushed a little too far or too fast and I really felt it for a couple days afterwards.

  • Leg press 205
  • Leg extension 85
  • Seated leg curl 90
  • Inner thigh (Adductor) 110
  • Outer thigh (Abductor) 110
  • -Glute extension 70 (I haven’t actually done this one recently so it may not be completely accurate.)
  • Back extension 140
  • Abdominal (curl- arms up) 85
  • Abdominal (curl- arms front) 80
  • Rotary torso 80
  • Lateral raise 55
  • Shoulder press (I just learned this is also called military press, and it was one I had backslide on poorly, I’m part way back up.) 30
  • Tricep extension 55
  • Tricep press 65
  • Biceps curl 30
  • Lat pull down 70
  • Seated row 65

I haven’t been good about logging my times weightlifting in the health tracker- mainly because I log the pounds and sets in a different app and forget to duplicate it, but here’s my average steps and calories views.

I’m not seeing the results myself yet, but several people have said I’m looking better these days. In my pregnancies, that stage was 2 to 3 weeks before I actually noticed changes myself. Besides the scales have not budged, they still stay between 220 and 225. Merh.

I welcome all of you to share your progress in the comments as well. I’d really love to know if there’s anyone out there that I’ve inspired in any way, or encouraged to persevere through their own struggles. And there’s always room for commiseration in fitness journeys!

May you all have easy stress free times. May you have great work-outs with plenty of support. May you find you only desire the calories your body needs. And finally, may you see results of your own hard work.

Siva Hir Su

My Polyamory

I have intentionally not written much on this topic because about a year ago I went and posted a bunch of links and good info from other sites. There are so many aspects to look at and perspectives to consider that it is all just too much for me to even attempt.

However, Nathan suggested that I write at least once on my experiences and opinions on the matter. So, I’m taking his advice.

First and foremost Polyamory is many loves, a plural relationship based in a foundation of love.

From the view of a successful balanced poly family, I’ve not had much luck, at least in maintaining such a plural commitment. However, I have had lots of fine tuning and reevaluating, which Abraham says is always a good thing. I’m going to agree.

Nathan and I used to be, what gets labeled “Unicorn Hunters” by more forceful poly opinions. We were ‘significant-others’ seeking a single bisexual female to balance my bisexuality. After several failed attempts to find our good fit, we relaxed into accepting that our perfect woman might come attached to another person. It might also happen that we find several people to meet both mine and Nathan’s needs and desires.

Our hesitation with accepting the concept of multiples, initially was brought on mainly by fearful thoughts of: how do you get multiple adults on the same page and keep them in agreement and in cooperation. Especially regarding children in the family, rules of behavior, setting expectations, and even logistics of cleaning and cooking. However, at this point in our marriage we have come to the conclusion that those are challenges any relationship faces regardless if there are 2 or 12 people. We also now have lots of experience dealing with each other and multiple attempts at significant-other additions. We’ve also come to conclusions that some things are easier if approached like companies handle staffing: creating schedules and assignments of tasks, which can always be adjusted and changed as needed.

So at this point we’re much more open to alternate options and arrangements for our family structure, and have a better grasp of the interpersonal needs that entails. Our main goal now is that a variety of needs and desires are met, and that all adults act like adults and remain considerate of the family as a whole when making significant decisions. If those decisions are likely to impact the family in a huge way (move, replace belongings, or decisions regarding educational or medical concerns) then the family should be consulted with a proposal before final decisions are made.

Informed consent is a mainstay of poly whether it’s in regards to sex, reproduction, or any familial life event. Furthermore, informed consent requires a certain level of communication skills. You may have a great idea, but if you can’t make your case well to those involved it’s likely to fall flat.

So those elements have become our biggest priorities.

Beyond that, previous relationships ended due to factors involving but not limited to: personality clashes, instability due to processing previous traumas, and a lack of commitment by one or multiple parties. So we have simplified our request to the Divine that: future partners have their own stuff figured out at least well enough to cause only more minor bumps, previous severe traumas have been healed likewise, and that all parties be willing to commit enough to work through remaining glitches. All relationships have bumps, bruises, and fights, but it’s the severity and willingness to work through them that enable the relationship to last. Everyone coming together to learn and grow and heal, leads to happy long lasting family.

Acceptance of our humanness, and unconditional love allows for infinite growth. To me that means that I might get mad or frustrated with someone, but as long as I can refocus and remember we’re all human and that I do love them, then I can work through the upset to find a solution. That is the place of understanding that I aim for everyone in my family to hold.

There are also factors like honesty, openness, truthfulness, cooperative attitudes, and open mindedness which would be very important.

Finally, I wish to add compromise. A mainstay of finding solutions is learning how to compromise. There is almost always an answer that everyone can live with. It may not be perfect in everyone’s opinion, but gets the job done. Finding those compromises is paramount to maintaining family cohesion, and adults wishing to be in my family need to demonstrate an ability to compromise.

In conclusion, my ideal of Polyamory has evolved over the last 15 years to be less about the fine details and more about overarching qualities that I wish for people to exhibit.

Not to be too cliche, but can’t we all just get along, and all you need is love, would be the more concise mentality.

May you all find your family based in love and acceptance, but which committedly works through compromise to ensure everyone just gets along.

With love, be well. Siva Hir Su.

A+B=✓?

I know right. It makes no sense.

Neither did my logic today.

I wanted cute toes. Everyone around here has been getting summer pedicures. I thought “that would be nice”. Simple as that, I wanted cute toes like everyone else.

I never fall for what everyone else does. NEVER!

Yet this time I did and manifested myself a pedicure.

By manifested, I mean: I thought about getting one, told Nathan I’d thought about it. He said yes please, and after work we stopped at the nearest nail salon and I walked in. They said pick a color, I did, and then fumbled awkwardly through my half of getting a basic pedicure.

I knew I was out of place. I didn’t fit with everyone else there, it was obvious I had never done that before.

Sitting listening to conversations, all I found myself thinking is- wow people are so shallow. I didn’t like the smells and told myself not to even guess what all the ingredients in the half dozen liquids she used were. I had to distract myself and choose to do so by reading a blog with Andrew Carnegie quotes.

I apologized a dozen times to the tech for not knowing etiquette and proceedures, and left a huge tip for my silliness.

In the end this is what I received/learned:

I don’t mind having pretty toes, but I’m perfectly capable of accomplishing it on my own at home.

I definitely prefer not to use other human beings to accomplish such an insignificant task.

Whatever implied status comes with being financially stable enough to afford paid pedicures on a regular basis, in my opinion should come with enough sense not to. There are much higher uses of time, money, and manpower than making your toes pretty.

This was a logically illogical chain of events to solidify for myself my values and goals. I know that is not me, even if I can afford to do it occasionally. I’d much rather use my money for greater good and longer lasting effects.

I’m definitely not one to just do what others do, and my life has far greater meaning than displays of status.

I’m comfortable being me, hairy legs, no manicures, no pedicures, stocky, and strong. Knocking out tension for others, providing healing, supporting my family, and making this world a better place.

May you all have your moments of greater good clarity. Blessings to you and your loved ones.

A Brief Exposé

Preface:

I’m going to intention to be somewhat vague here. I’ve noticed overlapping patterns in my manifestations and resulting interactions with others. I intend for this post to apply to as many of those overlapping situations as possible.

First and foremost:

“Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here.” ~ “Hayling” by FC Kahuna

I have come to rest for the moment in a place of acceptance of myself as I stand. I’m seeing my power and abilities and yet evaluating whether I wish to push the envelope or just allow myself to be for a bit.

I woke hurting this morning, a combination of allergic reactions from Anya’s birthday celebration, and physical fatigue from having done a dozen very-deep tissues this week. Yet I managed to push through and find genuine gratitude that at least I’m feeling it.

There are people living in this world that are unable to feel their arms and legs and would appreciate the discomfort of my aches this morning.

That acknowledgement in combination with something that crossed my path yesterday led me to a realization that I had attracted myself an onslaught of people unwilling to express their gratitude for me in any meaningful way. I literally saw how several people in my recent history (last 5 years) probably did care on some level, but convinced themselves for whatever reasons that they could not align with the action or resources which they knew would convey that most effectively. As a result I’ve parted and chosen to move on the best way I can, but lingering hurts cross my mind on occasion.

So here I sit feeling confident in my current endeavors and abilities, a new fuller knowing of myself, but slightly hesitating. Knowing that as I move forward I wish to attract people and experiences that honor myself better.

That means I must start by honoring myself better.

You see, the Law of Attraction is just that.

Like attracts like.

I could not have attracted those people and experiences if I had not held myself in that particular alignment.

Extrapolation:

“Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused.” ~ “Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics

I have been abused in my lifetime. Repeatedly in fact, and in multiple ways: physically, mentally, and emotionally. In turn my abused mind and body, unable to handle the hurts, reflected them back at those in my experience. I became the abuser. Not as severe as my abusers were, but abuse I delivered none-the-less. I knew in my heart I could not let that continue and prayed for help to change myself. I prayed that I might be forgiven for my indescrections. My least desire of anything in this world is to be abuser or abused.

I have been used in less abusive ways. Simply being an employee is, in a way, being used. However, because of my history with abuse, many of my being-used situations reflect a similar negative consequence. I see that my dream of Atira would in a way require that I use others. However, it is my prayer that I find a balance where I can utilize others in the best way possible, and while honoring their gifts as best as I am able. I want my having to experience the flip side to be full of as many positive consequences as possible. That means if I am to have employees I wish to compensate them properly. That means if I’m to utilize volunteers I wish to honor them fully and treat them accordingly. I want to teach people that honoring each other and ourselves is a way of honoring God.

Despite being one of my favorite songs, what “Sweet Dreams” fails to sing about is all of the other options.

I wish to love and be loved.

I wish to honor and be honored.

I wish to serve and be served in the name of God.

I wish to respect and be respected.

I wish to care and be cared for.

I wish to share and be shared with.

I wish for intellectual and emotional equals to experience this give take world with as partners and companions. Where we can all reach for better.

Full-Circle:

“I wished for you too.” ~ Practical Magic

I attracted you, with my attention to my desires and my sloppy habits stemming from hurt. My mixed bag brought you into my experience.

Yet, you must admit that you are equally responsible. You aligned in the exact same manner. You focused on your desires, but missed your sloppiness from your past.

You see we are equals, carrying the same level of blame.

I suspect you felt that you were better than I. That you could manifest things better, or that you were smarter than I, more connected, more esteemed or somehow more gifted. In your hubris you aligned yourself with idiocy and in a way became the abuser.

Your lack of humility, your inability to reach for better took us out of alignment.

You see, I seek those willing to admit we’re all equals here on this Earth stumbling through and learning how to reach for better and improve ourselves. Those willing to move mankind toward a brighter future. Those willing to take responsibility for their actions, offer apologies when necessary, and reach for honoring themselves and others better. I acknowledge that none are perfect, yet in our imperfection lies our greatest gifts.

I know you saw my intelligence, my strength, my reserve, my determination, my extra large size, as well as my extra large energy. You saw my fortitude, my resolve, my ability to endure and persevere. You saw my gifts and talents and my inner beauty.

Yet, your sloppy habits brought to your attention my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. I pushed your comfort zone and set a high bar. I challenged you in ways you obviously were unable to handle, which took us further out of alignment.

So now I can revise what I want, need, and desire.

I seek someone with equal intelligence, strength, reserve, determination, and energy. Someone with fortitude, resolve, ability to endure and persevere. Someone with gifts and talents and inner beauty. Yet someone humble enough to acknowledge that all of that exists in me and many others as well. Someone open minded enough to handle my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. Someone willing to allow themselves to grow through experiencing me fully. Someone able to have constructive conversations even when beliefs diverge. Someone able to convey their preferences while still exploring the unknown or perceived contrasting experiences. I seek someone willing to love and be loved. Someone to honor and be honored. Someone willing to serve and be served in the name of God. Someone willing and able to respect everyone and in turn be respected, to care and be cared for. Someone able to share and be shared with.

I need for those someones to be able to take responsibility and share their gifts to commit to not just my family, but to building Atira. You see, I don’t just need money for Atira, I need people, hands, help, specific knowledge that I would rather utilize in others than begin to learn myself. Atira will fare far better, actually become a success, if there is a group, a poly family, willing to share the work load. I seek those people.

I have thought about each person that had previously aligned and subsequently misaligned with me. If further alignment was genuine, accompanied by equally genuine apologies, and foreseeably maintainable, then I could potentially welcome them back.

At the moment I have no evidence to the possibility of that, and suggestions, mere hearsay, to the contrary. Yet, I’m going to leave room that it might be possible. However, I’m not going to hold my breath, because I know the universe will provide what I desire regardless. It has so far, I was just sloppy about maintaining my alignment, and THAT is where I know I can and will do better.

May all of my readers take this to heart and find and maintain their alignment. May you all have those in your life that honor, respect and love you for being you. May you heal your hurts and move on successfully. May you find a way to make your dreams happen.

Already on the bus.

So I’ve finished reading “The Energy Bus” and realize now that I’ve already gotten my bus going. It’s been a slow start, bumpy ride, with a few breakdowns already, but my bus is generally pointed the right direction and moving.

Really I’ve been driving my bus for a while, but just need more focus and helpful passengers

I have my committed passengers, in for the full ride- my family by marriage and by giving birth.

I have my semi-committed or part time riders, people in my daily and work life that are generally as helpful as they can be, but can’t necessarily stay for the whole ride. Sometimes they’re on and sometimes they’re busy on their own bus.

I have at least one passenger, maybe 2 or 3 that I’m hoping are like the character Michael. Where they removed themselves, but ultimately come around, and end up finding themselves wanting to make positive changes too, and join my bus again. That would be nice, not just for my bus, but for them- their state of being- and because it will validate messages I got what seems like forever ago. May we all master only feeding the good dog.

So far I’ve already ejected a few of what was termed “Energy Vampires” from my bus, and there’s one big one that needs to go yet. Fortunately, those from my biological family have mostly removed themselves from my life, so that’s one less hurdle.

With all that being said, this book leaves me acknowledging I have steps to go yet.

I have used this blog to write about Atira many times, but it’s scattered through multiple posts and partial posts, and I’m not sure I’ve ever reinforced the entirety of the complexity of that to those on board my bus, even if part time. I think it would help to get more concise with my desires, vision, and focus so that there is one document I can reference. Maybe even to give them copies.

I still have a ways to go to ensure I’m only feeding the good dog, and fueling my bus with positive energy. I have the basic idea, but have some practicing to do to maintain it, because I do let fear and stress get the better of me frequently.

Also, I totally spend too much time worrying about people that don’t get on my bus. I will get better at acknowledging maybe it’s too soon for them or they have other reasons for not joining my route. It’s not personal to me, it’s personal for them and their journey.

Additionally, I still have a ways to go on demonstrating my own enthusiasm and love. I already do both, but often allow myself to be easily deflated, especially when my efforts go unnoticed, unacknowledged, or unresponded to. Then once I’ve been deflated, I definitely still struggle to get back up and give another go.

I also need to find my purpose in everything better. It’s easy for me when what I’m doing is part of my vision for Atira, but much much harder when my task-at-hand is seemingly unrelated. That is evidence of not fully knowing that “everything happens for a reason”. I must trust more and find how everything relates. How does what I’m doing fit with my journey and fuel my bus.

Lastly, a huge must: start having more fun and enjoying the ride more. It’s not that I don’t at all, but I really succumb to stress easily. I’m latching onto the books’ phrase “you can’t feel stressed when you feel blessed”. That is my biggest new goal. To be “too blessed to be stressed”.

With that I wanted to share the list of rules the book went over:

And finally, I wanted to share an Abraham Lincoln quote (below) from the book that really resonated with me. My life journey fine-tuned to that direction after the online stranger woke my dreams up in me. I realized I may fail, I may never actually get there, but giving up all together- ignoring who I’ve become- is far worse than failing. I must remain true to who I am and where I’d like to go, if I’m to ever find consistent happiness and have any chance at all of possibly making it there. I want my light to shine bright from here until my dieing days.

Again, thank you for hanging in with me and joining at least the written part of my ride. I sincerely hope you benefit from my words in one way or another.

Getting Somewhere… I think.

I needed help, I sent prayer requests to everyone I knew- regardless of religious preference, with the basics of what was going on. Even though I choose to reference myself as a Pagan, and view god in several different manifestational aspects, I see everyone’s connection with God as vital and helpful, so I ask anyone that is spiritual in any way, for support when I need it.

The church at work has come through with some help in a variety of ways, I am so grateful. I am really seeing how churches are really like companies, they bring people together for a common purpose and get the job done. Their purpose is just the spiritual side of things, and solidifies my belief in goals for Atira. I look forward to one day finding my pastor for the Temple of Atira at the heart of Atira community.

So, I needed a home, good enough for now. We’ve found just that. My husband stumbled onto a house in an OK neighborhood, not the best, but not the worst either. When he called, the landlord had 2 houses and one other person interested. We looked at both and put in our request, and I let God decide which was better for us right now- knowing they were essentially the same house, neighborhood, and cost. When the landlord called back, we got the one with the basement that is about mile closer to work, but no central air.

The house was a $100.00 per month over our goal. I had already expressed the need for a significant raise to my manager when they were contemplating hiring me back full time. So I told God I’ll definitely need that raise and then some if I’m going to start chipping away at getting ahead of my ball of mess.

The very day that my husband secured our new home with a deposit, my manager called me in. The offer: Tuesday through Saturday 8 hour days, $16/hr to start since I’ve jumped in and helped out so well. Once they figure out who is landing in what roles permanently, I’ll be bumped to $17/hr, and when I complete their online training program that will earn another $1/hr. So the faster I complete that, the better. IF I can get my A1C down from pregnancy/allergies and reinstate my medical card on my CDL I’ll get another bump (though that was more vague).

Regardless for now, I will have to continue to do massage. I’m giving the care-giving job nearly 3 weeks notice, and that will give me time to adjust my massage schedule. All will have to be set by October 28th, as that is the start of the first week full time for the offered position. I’m moving 2 of my buildings and as many individuals as possible to Sundays. My Mondays will stay the same fully booked at 2 of my long standing facilities. I will officially be working 7 day weeks, every week, but my days will be shorter with a 15-20 min commute and Sundays being most likely half days. I’ll actually get to see my children a little more than right now. So that’s a bonus.

As part of my new role I’m jumping into a book that the company started a couple of months ago, and each week they covered a couple of chapters during the weekly meetings. Since they’re already on chapter 24, I am cramming the reading of the book into one weekend to get caught up, so that I can present the next pair of chapters on Tuesday.

It’s called “The Energy Bus” by Jon Gordon, and so far I’m just hitting the chapters where the 10 rules for life are being started. The chapter I’m on (7), ends with a writing exercise, so I thought it apropos to write my answers down here.

  1. My vision for my life (including health) is:
    • I want to heal both my brain and my body. I see myself at a healthy weight (150-160 lbs) that is easy to maintain, almost effortless. I see myself having healed my digestive system so that it rarely reacts to small things and a place where only bigger intrusions become noticeable. I see myself being able to tell others that I have healed my brain enough that depression rarely rears its head, and I am generally in a good, happy place in life. I see myself in a place where I love myself every day, all day, and finally put a stop to self-degrading and self-limiting beliefs and language. I want to own my health fully and completely and know that I can sometimes have things without it hurting me physically or mentally. That I have built a fortress of good health.
  2. My vision for my work, career, job, and team is:
    • Ultimately, I see owning my own community: Atira, but not just for elderly. I see having Atira help adults of all walks of life and thus help many, many families. You can’t please everyone, but you can build a community that attracts only those that it desires to please, and that is my end goal.
    • I can see how my current work is giving me an eye into the vast complexity of what an organization like that means. I am getting a first hand glimpse into what it takes to run such a vast community, especially staffing needs and logistical breakdowns, and I can see that I have quite a ways to go before I solidly know how manage something so complex. I am grateful for this opportunity and it’s guidance, and I know that in time I will have the knowledge that I need to go and Start Atira.
    • I see that though it is a process to learn all of the things needed to build my community, I am the only one that controls the flow. I am the speed of the river, so I am the only one that can dictate how long it will take me to learn all of the things I need to know to accomplish building Atira. I state here that I wish to keep things moving: as soon as I master one step, I wish to be in a stable footing to take the next step comfortably. I know that the step I’m on is entertainment coordinator, and I am comfortable with some of the elements, but still working on logistical juggling and paperwork aspects. It will come quickly. I will find my groove. When I do and I can demonstrate maintaining the flow for a few months, I look forward to the next step: managing a team of people that do the leg work for an organization.
    • I know that I will need some minimal additional training to make that next step in someone else’s organization, so I ask that the universe provide the opportunity at little to no cost to me and in a manner that I can easily fit it into my work schedule and life. I foresee this training being more easily accommodated after the first of the year, and after I have nearly mastered my current role.
    • Once I master my current role, and gain the additional training I see that the logical next step is to find a new position with that added training. I know that taking steps forward like that can seem daunting, but it is an important learning experience and I acknowledge that I have done it many times before and will be able to do it again and again until I have mastered each level along the way to running a full community. It will come in time, and I just need to remind myself of that occasionally so that I remain patient with myself and with the process.
      • Here I want to be clear, all these steps are to further my end goal of Owning Atira Community, even if it takes decades. I don’t merely wish to learn how to climb the corporate ladder and work my way up another person’s company. I see other companies, careers, and jobs (even my massage work) as real life training to reach my life purpose, and work toward my life goal. I trust that the divine will put people in my life that can help me accomplish that, with the understanding that at some point I may have a job just like they hold now, maybe with the same company, maybe a different company. The company is of less concern to me, the goal of learning what I need to learn and making the money I need to make are of more importance.
      • That which betters me, and helps me help my family and others, is of utmost importance. I want to be the best I can be for my ultimate goal of having a self-sustaining charitable-community/company to better this world in the name of the Divine.
    • I know God supports my end desire, and so he supports my steps to getting there, Everything will come in proper timing and easily for me to acknowledge and carry out. The divine, the universe will provide if I trust.
  3. My vision for my relationship and family is:
    • I love my husband, and want to do better at showing it. He deserves that, because he has given everything he could to me. He has given me the best of himself repeatedly over the last 14 years, and literally saved my life more times than I can count. The challenges I see him face, I know well and I wish more than anything that we both could feel adequate in our familial roles.
    • I still want family- bigger and more supportive than just my husband is able to accomplish. I think it would go a long ways to helping us both feel more adequate, enabling us to relax into knowing there are more hands and more dollars to spare. I know that the people we have attempted that with had similar wishes and desires, but for many reasons not needing stated here, it just didn’t work.
      • I look forward to finding the people that do fit our needs, mesh with us optimally, and have the same desires, and hold the same level of flexibility and forgiveness for general lapses on anyone’s part. We’re all in this game called life, learning how to get through, and mistakes will get made, none of them are the end of the world, but that has to be acknowledged on all sides. The ball can and will get dropped, but someone has to be willing to pick up the pieces and help to put them back together. That is family. Sticking together and helping each other pull up even in adversity, knowing that acting in the good of the family will eventually pay off in furthering the success of the family- be it more love, happiness, success, or prosperity.
        • Sometimes being selfish means finding a way to align your needs with a greater cause. (Kill two birds with one stone, so to speak). I’d love to have a family full of people that can do that.
    • I want to spend more time with my children and have days off, while still making more than enough.
      • As I’ve said several times I would go nuts if I just stayed home with kids, that is my version of aligning selfishness with working for the greater good. Right now that means working 7 days a week and having every evening to be with kids. However, I would love to get to a point in my wage earnings that I could comfortably work 4- 10 hour days and have part or all of the other 3 for kids, I think that is my happy medium-nearly ideal. Because, right now I work 6-10 hour days with a 7th shorter one, and I still count my blessings for the evenings I spend with them, but do get down for wishing I had more time with them. I also tend to have a shorter fuse when I work too many hours, so 4 long days is more manageable than 6 long days.
      • Ultimately that means higher dollar per hour wages and having to let go of something somewhere. God/the universe will help me straighten that one out in time.
    • More cuddle time, and more fun time. This links back to both bettering my relationship with Nathan, and with the kids, and with finding family. It’s hard to do if there’s no time left to do it. My time equation is out of balance at the moment, but when alignment is found, my time equation will balance with time for fun family activities and time for cuddling everyone. I look forward to that.
    • I want my kids to look back on their childhood and remember the good things and fun times, and realize that I overcame challenges and adversity to help our family have better.
    • I want them to know I ended up being a positive influence in their lives.

And with that I have completed chapter 7 of “The Energy Bus” 17 more chapters to catch up by Tuesday…. if there are more exercises to write down, you’ll get another post from me. Thank you for being patient with me when I’m down, and thank you for reading my blog. I really appreciate the support knowing that there are people out there that find my words at least interesting enough to check in occasionally, and the occasional comment lets me know that my process is helping others at times. For that I am utterly grateful.

Business is booming- in my brain!

This week beyond thinking about my rebirthing experiences, I’ve been contemplating my Elder Care Massage business, and our Atira goals, especially how they might coincide.

—-

It really did throw me a bit when I had the conversation with the other massage therapist. I knew she was working on retiring when the referral was given to her by a person I work with. I had no idea though that it would end up resulting in me being the only therapist in the metro doing this line of work. I just assumed there was still a handful of us doing geriatric massage, and that this therapist might not even have to give me her building, that it could have gone to someone else. I’ve been enjoying relishing in the fact that I have a monopoly on such endeavors, even making it a point to tell others my/her discovery.

In the process I have spent a significant amount of time contemplating what it is I like about what I do, and what the downfalls of such work is. I have to say that I always come up with more bonuses than negatives. I have thought about what the steps might look like in moving from sole proprietor to a full fledged business with employees doing the same work. It does seem a bit daunting, but contemplating that process does get me a bit excited, in the realm of I could potentially build a significant business that would be the first of it’s kind. I could end up, long term, being the first Massage-Envy-like business that solely travels to provide elder/geriatric care. Which, even if it wasn’t a huge dollar producer, just having that niche market would be a success.

In the process of acknowledging this possibility, I’ve clarified things that would need to happen.


 

One being that Kansas, as well as a few other states, need to be required to have reciprocity laws. Right now there are not many metro areas that fall on state lines, but every one that does creates a complicated situation.

For instance when I first started working as a Massage Therapist I worked in the Council Bluffs/Omaha area. Nebraska had stricter regulations than Iowa by 200 hours, not a huge amount, but they would not allow therapists to add on, a therapist would have to start over with their education to meet Nebraska laws. I fell in the middle having more hours than Iowa required, but just shy of what Nebraska wanted. Nebraska also refused to honor Iowa licensure, even though Iowa would accept Nebraska licensure. So, I was relegated to staying on the Council Bluffs side, which had a notoriously low economic base with high unemployment and vast areas of poverty. It was not a pretty employment picture and one that ended hazardously for me.

When we moved to the Kansas City metro I was faced with a similar picture. Missouri is state licensed; Kansas is not. Each individual city on the Kansas side of the line can have it’s own licensing requirements. What is interesting to note here is that nearly all of the regulations for all of the cities are the same, with a very small handful of exceptions (like Shawnee doesn’t require a license if you work under doctor or chiropractic supervision). The difference lies mainly in the amount that is charged for a therapist license and what determines if they are also going to charge you for having a separate business license. I know this because I have held a license through 4 cities and contemplated another 3 cities, and there are only 9 on the Kansas side of the metro. They all require 500 hours &/or Board certification, CPR/AED certification, to carry liability insurance, and pass their police background check. I have 800 hours, I am nationally certified, keep my CPR and insurance current, and have a record so clean I used to carry a government “Classified” clearance.

So, I can step back and acknowledge 2 things:

-Licensure is supposedly in place to create safety through knowledge. Acknowledging training and board ethics is important: it keeps clients safe from bad practices and it reduces risks of sexual activity in a therapy setting.

-Licensure allows for taxation of the licensed party. If one city can offer a license and background check for $85 (Shawnee), then there is no reason that other cities charge more except to make money off of someone.

Where this gets my goat, and the reason why it needs changed, is that if I can meet the standards for all of the cities in the metro, then there should never be a fear of being caught “without a license” because I crossed an imaginary line (city boundary). Yet that is a very real reality. If you don’t carry a license for every city you work in, you can currently be prosecuted for working without a license, and if found guilty it can prevent you from ever being licensed again. Yet, I’ve already demonstrated that I have the education and physical ability to carry any license in the KC metro. So what does it boil down to?

Money.

I have chosen to not carry every license consecutively because it would cost me nearly $3,000 a year to do so, and if you’ve read my blog you would understand how ludicrous that is. I gross $33,000 a year, that is a 10% local tax, on top of state and federal tax.  My AGI falls closer to $16,000 with mileage and business expenses, so now that $3,000 becomes a 20% local tax on top of state and federal taxes. I count that separately because paying Massage License tax (fees they call them) happens directly at a city clerk and never makes it onto my tax return except where I can note business licensing as an expense.

What I’m going to say next might piss some off, but I’m gonna anyway.

If you required that same process of Doctors, Lawyers, Engineers, IT professionals, or any one of another high salary positions, it would not fly. The second a lawyer faced 20% local taxes on top of their regular state and federal taxes, bills would be created and laws would change. Yet, massage therapists, aestheticians, and cosmetologists regularly face just that through the risks inherent in failing to carry multiple city licenses when a state doesn’t require reciprocity. The lowest income, and generally female held, positions are the ones penalized the most. That screams discrimination to me.

Yet, it has nothing to really do with safety. There have been and will continue to be all manner of “professionals” that lose their jobs, and often licenses for having sexual relations in their office. I’ve noted in just the last year, dentists, Md’s, and psychologists that have gotten in trouble just for that very reason. I know that CEO’s and upper-management also experience abuse of power through sex, and are quietly asked to leave their positions. It may not be frequent, but it is frequent enough that if that were really the only reason for the licensing requirements like I deal with, then the same licensing procedures would apply to all professions. It’s simply not the case.

I believe that really, it is old biased thinking that created outdated and ludicrous laws, and those in power are simply too lazy and blinded by dollar signs to care about changing it.

So full circle: IF (a huge IF), I decided to take my job and turn it into a full fledged business with multiple employees, I would have to take that on. I would have to figure out a way to mandate at least Kansas and Missouri to have reciprocity laws in place. Further yet, if I plan on building my business to have multiple locations in the future, it is likely that I would need to do that for any state I functioned out of. Better yet, I would want all states to have reciprocity laws. There is no reason that a therapist should have to carry multiple licenses consecutively. If doctors and lawyers don’t have to, then neither should massage therapists or any other profession. There should be a blanket acceptance that if a professional met the requirements to hold a license, especially one that requires repeat renewals, and background checks, then that license should be good regardless of the location of their works activities.

Now reciprocity laws are specifically designed to address traveling professionals- that is people that technically have one source of employment, but multiple locations where the physical work is completed (roofers, traveling nurses, hospice works, etc.) Reciprocity does not count in a professional moving or taking a new job (i.e. I used to live in Iowa and my Iowa license is still good, but now I live and work in Kansas)- in that situation any professional still requires new licensing. So, if my business ends up having multiple locations in multiple states, I would still need multiple business licenses, that is natural. I just want to ensure that my therapists would only need one license, and I could still send them to multiple buildings regardless of where those buildings were physically located. That is the goal of reciprocity laws.



Another thing I have been actively working on the last couple of weeks has been researching grants to see if I, or my massage business, or Atira might qualify for grants that are currently available. I’m discovering there is a lot of free money to be found. However, most of the results I’m finding so far are either directly research related, for the purpose of promoting hiring diversity, or location specific. For instance I found grants for diversity building in cooperation with one of our consulate locations in Japan. Cool but not helpful to me. The search will continue, there are thousands of grants just through the United States government to wade through. Maybe I’ll find a good one!


 

So finally, how does all of this wrap together with Atira?

Well I thought about things that we want to do, how my massage practice has always been a part of that. I think this really is just another avenue to explore. but it led me to thinking about names, and how businesses can be subdivided. I thought more specifically about my ideas, and inspiration began flowing. Mostly with names and building my website. Which, by the way, I have put adjusting my current website on my new priority list.

Anyway, here were my inspirations (FYI- I consider this to be copyrights as my blog is part of me and my arts):

For Elder Care Massage-

name: Atira ReLive

sub-title: Helping our elders find comfort and peace through Relaxation and DeStress.

I thought that this provided just enough ambiguity that I could incorporate art and music therapies into the list of services offered by our traveling therapists.

I also contemplated naming the parts of Atira as a whole:

Atira Group: where I am at now, already a registered name with my EIN attached, represents my business umbrella.

Atira Community: Honestly I’m stuck at coming up with a more creative name for this one!

Atira Arts: Studio and Gallery: Atira In the Making, and Atira’s Hung…. I’m not sure Nathan will like the latter one!

Atira Cafe: Une Boisson D’Atira … you know like the french phrase for a drink of water- une boisson d’eau.

Atira Restaurant: Graze on Atira… that came from my mom referencing vegetarians as grazers.

Festivals: Atira Explorations… I’m not sure I’ve convinced myself of that one. I was going for the feel of playing, having fun, enjoyment. Needs some work.

And the store… I’ve got little nothing inspired for that yet.

 

Regardless, I have miles to go, I’m still just scratching the surface of getting started. The difference is that this topic interests me and excites me. Even if I don’t have any tangible evidence of manifesting it, I’m still enjoying it. Thinking about the millions of details is fun. Trying to be creative is even more fun. I’m going to keep doing all of it, while I function in my current constructs. Life keeps rolling, and I’m going with the flow now. It’s nice. Perhaps, I’ll find the magic grant that will launch part of this, or maybe even all of this. Perhaps I’ll win the lottery and will be able to put it all into effect soon. I just don’t know, but I’m doing my best to look forward and keep positive while trudging through the current mess I’m still wading in. Somehow, somewhere, a way will be made for improvement, and September is still significant from what I can tell, just not sure how or why.

The cat is out of the bag.

Today we treated Anya to her favorite restaurant. A surprise, and one that we enjoyed because it bothers her so much to be surprised. We knew this was to try and make telling her the news a good feeling event.

We teased and poked a little fun. Then we invented a story. We told her I was pregnant. Right as she was about to cry- tears, not of happiness, we confessed that it was another tease. No baby on the way for her to have to help with, at least yet!

Then we told her the real news.

Essentially, I was giving her a heads up on the man that I feel is important in my/our lives. I told her what I knew about him- the facts. That he’s kind and compassionate. That he’s getting married soon, but that I know very little about his betrothed. I told her that he knows all about her, and Nathan interjected that he really knows more about all of us than we really know about him. I told her we’d been talking off and on for a year and a half. I told her that if things progress that it could be really good for our little family. I told her his work, his goals, some of his ideas.

Then I told her about how I’d told him of some of our goals and ideas and how they aligned. I told her how I felt really really good about him and hoped it would eventually progress to more. I told her that I hoped I would get to know more about his fiancee/ soon to be wife.

I explained how all of these feelings were really based on things I had seen in meditation and flashes of insight in my head. How it is all intuition, that I can’t prove any of it right now. I described all of the things I’d seen and felt and reminded her of past events like that (her mom dying, Ian’s birth, etc.) that ended up coming true. [I’m going to write on what that is like later in the week.]

Out of all of that, she seemed to care little about a potential other significant other, she was concerned most when I mentioned that we might potentially move again. She went straight to fear, worried that we would move too far from her friends. I was quick to point out what she had just done. Chiding her for not watching any of the law of attraction videos I’d sent to her. Also chiding her over the fear itself, pointing out that she regularly visits Nebraska for extended periods, and mostly to visit her friends. That despite her mom being dead 4 years now, she still has those friends in Nebraska. I also had to point out that it won’t be long until both she and her friends are of driving age and possibilities become even more vast at that point.

I essentially pointed out that she should work more on seeing the good possibilities, because that is what I’ve been working on, and it is slowly taking hold and opening doors for me. I can see the benefit and I hope she does too.

So now, the cat is out of the bag, she knows that I’m very, very interested in someone and hoping that they’ll be a significant other soon. My hope of all of this is that she’ll take the encouragement and start exploring all of the good possibilities that could come of that and really many other things in our life. I look forward to my family growing together, that we all find upliftment and change our lives as a whole family for the better. That’s true progress regardless of what happens externally.

Anomaly and contemplation of locations

Yesterday evening’s trip to the ER is definitely some kind of fluke anomaly.  I had an adjustment this morning,  and with the exception of a lingering headache,  I’ve been completely normal all day. So, I have no idea the exact cause of the anomaly,  but I’m glad I’m healthy and I now know that for certain.

Since today is going as well as the last several have,  I thought I’d write a little about my thoughts on the location of Atira. 

It’s been on my mind a lot lately,  one of many aspects of Atira I’ve been considering  as I gain positive thought momentum. Essentially, I’ve been taking elements of our original dream and picking at them to see if they still resonate and seem valid.  This means that I’m really just solidifying what it is that I want.  So for this moment I’m detailing the location and land desires.

What Nathan and I have always envisioned is large acreage: approximately 300 acres give or take a little bit.  This choice is based on land that we’ve been on ranging from 7 acres to 35 acres to 280 acres. Out of the different places we’ve been we like the bigger properties better when thinking about building Atira. It allows for the most flexibility in property planning,  but also means that we could spread things out to allow for nature to be present all around the different parts of Atira, something we feel strongly about.  We want to build around natural elements with minimal cutting of vegetation.

Beyond that we’ve always seen and felt that Atira was near mountains.  Close enough to see them (& get to them easily),  but far enough out that there would be fewer steep grades, and ample crop acreage. 

I have always desired that Atira be in a more liberal area.  Focusing on openness and more accepting attitudes, as in one of the states that pioneered LGBT marriage. Along those lines are locations where cannabis is beginning to be legalized, which I’ve desired to capitalize on that as an investment and possible profit producer.  It could potentially not just keep Atira afloat in the short term, but could potentially enable expansion and/or multiple locations in the long run. Essentially allowing for growth and more assistance to those that need it.

Nathan and I talked about being near the ocean,  and though it would be nice,  it’s less important to us.

I’ve thought about mountains in sunny climates,  and that would be wonderful for my depression concerns. However, those climates don’t always have the draw for younger populations, tending  to be snow bird retirees as the predominant populous, especially where spending money is concerned. My concern there is that the snow bird populous tends to be conservative and often has strong negative opinions toward any kind of welfare or charity programs. I think it would be counter productive to the goals of Atira to be surrounded by that mindset.

I have also thought of concerns regarding maximizing tourist base. If Atira was centrally located (or as close as possible to that)  it would be an applicable tourist location for nearly all of the U.S. vs. Being on one cost or another would limit or reduce the reach Atira might have.

Finally,  from my experiences I’ve decided it would be optimal to be about 30 min outside of a metro area, especially one with an airport. That puts the property far enough out to find peace and quiet,  but close enough to have relatively easy access to all of the perks of a metro.

When putting all of these factors together I keep circling back to being in Colorado. We’ve really liked the idea of Washington state or Oregon for a long time,  but the lack of tourist centrality makes those 2 states less desirable.  I’ve also been informed that those two states tend to be very high cost of living (Colorado is high,  but not as high). I’ve contemplated states like West Virginia, Kentucky, & the Carolinas, but from experience I know that they are conservative areas and also not cannnabis legal yet.  I’ve contemplated New Mexico & even Hawaii & ruled them out for similar reasons, Hawii is the most tempting of the ruled out though, for obvious reasons.  For now though my sights seem to be set on Colorado, I just keep circling back to it meeting nearly all of the goals/ideals we have listed.  My biggest roadblock to committing to Colorado right now is that I’ve never been there, I have no idea where to start, and I don’t really know what’s available. So, I really just need to do more research before we commit to moving there anytime soon, or even not so soon.

It’s a start though.  I really look forward to figuring things out and seeing the process unfold.  For now,  it seems I’m being told to get the family current passports. Hopefully that means an excellent exotic adventure vacation awaits us in the near future! 

Get to the root…

So, this week I’ve been contemplating a lot. I’m missing my new friend, but also some of my old friends. I’m also still fixated on my desires a lot. I’m just attempting to glean some understanding without necessarily ruminating, so my brain has been jumping around a lot to avoid over thinking things and creating a negative loop. It’s amazing how strong my desire to make sense of things is.

To that end I find that I’ve been arguing with myself as to whether or not I’m making the divine messages up. Like: “Really, do you really think there is someone or something that is using license plates and bumper stickers to communicate!”; followed by: “but it’s just a little too coincidence”, and on and on.

Then as if they’re listening to my brain (because I’m not saying all of these things out loud), whomever is trying to communicate with me has taken to commandeering my email box. Things that I’ve subscribed to for years, and google has directed to my social folder for the entirety of that filing system, are now “randomly” showing up in my primary folder. This morning was emails on the topic of desire versus expectation. The subscriptions were: Abraham Hicks daily mail, Seeds 4 Life Blog, and Brittany Walkins an EFT weightloss guru. all 3 I’ve been long time subscribers to, and 90% of the time they end up in either my social or promotions folder. This morning all 3 were in my primary folder and all 3 were essentially saying the same thing. I’ll quote the Abraham and Seeds 4 Life ones here (Brittany’s was a v-log):

The Essence of My Every Desire Can Be Fulfilled… If your time-space reality has the wherewithal to inspire a desire within you, it is our absolute promise to you that your time-space reality has the ability to deliver, in full-manifested form, the reality of the desire it has inspired. Any and all desires can be fulfilled unless you are holding yourself out of alignment with your own desire. The feeling of competition or shortage, or limitation of resources, means you are out of alignment with your own desire.

Excerpted from the book, “The Vortex, Where the Law of Attraction Assembles All Cooperative Relationships”

Our Love,
Esther (and Abraham and Jerry)

Upcoming Abraham Workshops:

Boston, MA – May 6    Stamford, CT – May 13    Buffal, NY- May 27

Desire Connects You With the Thing Desired and Expectation Draws It Into Your Life – Bob Proctor

by Johanna Rosberg

Desire is an incredibly strong and useful feeling. Whenever you think about your desires, it starts a connection within the universe. It puts you and your thoughts on the same frequency as what it is you desire; it creates an invisible wire between your energy and your desire’s energy.

That desire, and the invisible connection, is the start to getting the things you want in life. The next step is to plainly expect your desires and wishes to come true. You don’t need to understand how or why or when that will happen, you just need to expect it to happen.

To expect things to come true is the very key to actually getting them. It’s that expectation – that joyous sensation it creates within you – that keeps you on theRead more of this post

 

Now these 3 subscriptions are not my only subscriptions, they are just the only ones that got moved from essentially bulk mail to primary mail today. It is also not the only time it has happened. This has happened with other combinations of email subscriptions 3 other times this week. I find it interesting that the universe is literally emailing me using other people’s words. Every time the message is an answer to a question I had the day before.

So now I know that I need to move from desire to expecatation. Yet, I’m not entirely certain I know how to accomplish that. I know that yesterday after asking the question that this morning’s emails answered, I spent the day listening to EDM music to lift my mood up. It has worked, and I continue with that theme today. I need the energy of the music, on top of the positive messages that EDM usually carries. The mantras I normally listen to are very positive and helpful, but calming, sometimes too soothing. EDM makes me want to move, dance, jump. Very helpful, but I’m not certain it will accomplish moving into expectation!

So then I think about what am I to be expecting. Simply put- a miracle. Yet, it is much more complex than that. I am expecting many things to fall into place in just the right way so as to completely change my world.

In evaluating that I start to realize things, have epiphanies so to speak.

One such epiphany has to do with diet and weight. I’ve been analyzing what my body seems to be wanting. Essentially my body wants lots of nutrition and little calories or carbohydrate intake. I’ve been craving green drinks, alkaline water, minerals, and broccoli, things like that. And every time I consume something higher in calories or carbohydrates, it leaves me feeling unsatisfied and searching for more. Then it occurs to me, my early childhood likely resembled my current eating habits. My mom did much the same as I’ve had to do with little Ian. She was unable to breastfeed after a couple of months, and also had to return to work not long after I was born. I was left in the care of my dad and older brothers with formula as the feeding solution. I’m sure that my dad was mostly attentive, but at the time he was working a job and taking evening classes for his  engineering degree. So, mom took care of me afternoon and early evening, and dad did late evening and night, with the boys taking care of me in the mornings. I suspect that my brothers were less than attentive, and dad probably covered the basics. So early in my life I was definitely consuming essentially protein and vitamin shakes (that’s really what baby formula is), and that was likely mostly happening during probably a 6 hour block later in the day. Now, if someone had explained to me decades ago that: the pattern set in the first 6 months of my life, combined with what we know of how we are nutritionally evolutionarily designed, essentially equaled green drinks, protein and minerals, with few calories consumed in the afternoon- that would have been problem solved before it even started. I’d already be in ideal physical condition. Now that I’m finally figuring this formula out completely, I have literally decades of conditioning (and weight) that I’m having to overwrite/loose, combined with what government agencies and food producers have convinced everyone is correct- which is pretty much the opposite. That analogy I’ve used before of an alcoholic having to live in the liquor store, now gets more complex because the alcoholic now has to fight his brain and every customer telling him that there’s nothing wrong with a drink at every meal, and standing there trying to tell well meaning people “no drink thanks”. So, now I’m faced with fully knowing the battle, but now the battle is even harder. Not impossible, just really difficult. Seeing the problem and the key to the solution is 2/3rd’s of fixing the situation. All that is missing is appropriate action now, and every day.

Another epiphany that I faced yesterday, through tears, has to do with the homeless man I wrote about last. I realized that the reason I am so passionate about helping the homeless and other portions of our population that have been brushed aside, is because I feel like that person. I feel like I’ve been brushed aside over and over, sometimes by our government, sometimes by family, sometimes by those I thought were friends. I feel like I have done my level best, and yet at every turn to have been stonewalled, misguided, and lied to. I did everything I was supposed to. I aced high-school, did all the extracurriculars, volunteered; I was 13th out of 77 graduating seniors, in a school where everyone excelled if they tried, because there was plenty of help and resources to be had. I went to college and proceeded to do the same thing graduating in 4 years with Honors from a Big 10 School, despite transferring colleges twice. I continued to volunteer, was part of student organizations, continued to perform, and at one point carried 21 credit hours while working full time (just to ensure being done in 4).  Yet once school was over all bets were off. That’s where the happy showering of graces stopped. I entered the work force at the height of the housing bubble bursting. People were losing jobs left and right and I was trying to find my dream carrier. It just did not compute. I still managed to survive on less than desirable jobs, I fell in love with Nathan and supported him and beautiful Anya through a very messy and painful divorce. And shit just got worse and worse instead of better. I love them both immensely, but sometimes I can’t shake the feeling that finding love screwed me over in other ways.  I definitely didn’t get my house, picket fence, 2.5 kids, nice car, and a dog. Now, feeling like the 2nd chance that I’ve yet to find for myself, is so vital for everyone, that I want to make it a possibility for as many people as I can. When I do finally figure out my 2nd chance I will make certain that I can do that for others, even if it ends up being one at a time. I think it is my purpose in life. I’ve always had a desired to help people, it’s why I went back to school for massage therapy, this epiphany only solidifies that and gives it a more specific and intense direction.

The final epiphany is a very personal one. Polyamory- why does my brain gravitate to that? Simply put it helps balance that equation of love. I spent so many years hiding from bullies, running from the memory of the attempted molestation, feeling like my parents and siblings were distant at best, but more likely disappointed in me, that I need to feel more love. I know logically that searching for love outside of myself is hazardous, but the love I give myself seems to be inadequately filling an ever hungry giant gaping void that is like the alien plant from “Little Shop of Horrors”. I honestly wonder if I sat giving myself love all day every day, if I would ever fill that void, and that’s with feeling a connection to the divine. That’s why every relationship I’ve had was in a goal to feel more love. As I wrote before, the one situation before Nathan was so that I would be able to tell mere physical interaction from a loving interaction. It did help me to feel the difference. Then the goal was to find another of those. Every person I’ve been with since falling in love with Nathan, was for looking to find that feeling of love. Some of them I did but to a lesser degree, some of them just weren’t to be at all. Now that I suspect I’ve found another like Nathan I find that I’m oscillating between ecstatic over the possibility of feeling that loving connection in person twice over, and fear of having that possibility taken from me. Having faced disappointment so many times, the last thing I want is more of that. However, I know I am strong. I know I will survive regardless. I’ve kept myself from suicide enough times and pulled myself out of depression enough times to know that I will survive. I half believe that I’m nearly immortal and will probably live well into my 90’s if not past 100. I will survive, and regardless of how, one day my emotional void and love equation will balance.

Yet all of these epiphanies bring me back to this morning’s email messages. How do I get from desire: a well thought out, detailed desire, consisting of decades of input; to Expectation?

ex·pec·ta·tion (via Google)
ˌekspekˈtāSH(ə)n/
noun
  1. a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.
    “reality had not lived up to expectations”

 

Belief huh… So today’s goal after Invoicing… find a belief place that these things will come to pass.

That:

I will get my second chance.

I will get to help others find their second chance.

I will have the willpower to stick to my new dietary knowledge and heal my body.

I will be able to build beautiful Atira.

I will be able to give my good friends jobs should they want them, and even homes too.

I will have a loving supportive successful poly-family.

I will have a beautiful comfortable Monolithic Dome home with modern amenities and with minimal impact to the environment.

I will be able to give back: to society, to the world, to people, to mother earth, to those that have stood by me over the years.

I will have LOVE in Abundance and Abundance in all things.

Those statements feel good. To find belief in them I think I’ll spend the afternoon visualizing all the details. Since Ms. Brittany was one of the emails I’ll do some EFT to help overcome some of my negative beliefs and expectations.

Goal: Positive Expectation. Wish me luck.

Image from Shutterstock.com