Tag Archives: god works in mysterious ways

Bizarre Dream

Préface: I Know Mahashivatri is only a couple days away. I am aware of some of the rituals and practices, and leanings of hinduism. I do pay attention to Isha and their activities and videos and thus I have been doing some, but not all of the pre-shivratri meditations. My dream is still bizarre to me, because of my role in the dream.

I had the dream somewhere around 2 am CST this morning (3/9/2021), as I finally woke enough to check time at 2:42 am.

What was this very vivid dream?

It started with people dressing me in attire intended to give me the appearance of a Shivite- long, thick, rich, but otherwise plain looking fabric being wrapped  around me in layers. My breasts had already been covered in a thick flattening tub-top similar to breast bindings, but matching the tan tones of the main fabric. It made me look like an androgenous younger version of Sadhguru himself.

Once fully robed (or is it garbed?) I was led into ceremony. I remember being instructed that at the end of the procession I was to sit on a specific bench in the same posture that Shiva is sometimes depicted. It’s the same pose Sadhguru usually sits in himself. See pic below courtesy of Isha.

https://isha.sadhguru.org/mahashivratri/shiva/shiva-parvati-strange-wedding/

I essentially just walked slowly, surrounded by what seemed like spiritual body-guards wearing similar attire. I was doing my best to maintain posture and composure.

Off to my right there were dancers using fire, and drums were playing a quick beat that made me want to walk faster. There were torches lining the procession path. As I neared my instructed resting place fireworks went off.

As I settled into my instructed pose there was a bright piercing light that emanated from just above the trishula(trident) of the large Shiva statue. It was not the same statue I’m aware of from previous Isha video-events, this statue was almost as large, but was a fully body standing depiction of Shiva. The light beaming down upon me from above, felt like a spotlight that was 10 steps too bright and quite blinding. It caused me to squint and I quickly realized that my face was contorted and tried to adjust my face to the pleasant smile expected of me.

At that point a man began to introduce me as Sadhguru’s appointee.

In the dream I remember very vividly beginning a mental rant directed towards Shiva himself. I’m still working on processing events in my own 3D life from this month and my rant was mostly about that. I was expressing extreme frustration over ‘why the hell I was here when Shiva didn’t really care about the things I care about’. I expressed frustrations over mine and my husband’s healing journey and why don’t we have more to show for our efforts, and why isn’t Shiva doing anything about the larger global picture and Western Medicine causing chaos just to make money off of people knowing they have no plans to actually fix anything. If he’s enlightened and part of divine consciousness then he should be able to miraculously fix things, right?!

I remember in the dream continuing this rant while standing to embrace Sadhguru himself.

Here I was supposedly taking over for an esteemed Yoga and Meditation leader, and I was ranting away at the spirit of Shiva.

Eventually my rant at Shiva caused the dream events to fade away and I woke just enough to feel my body. I felt the Reiki energy on full force and drug my legs from underneath the blanket to release some of the heat it was producing.

It caused me to acknowledge something was afoot in the 5D, and my groggy brain was having difficulty piecing things together.

I simply said I don’t hate Shiva, but I can’t handle the chaos and difficulties indefinitely without some kind of attaboy-good-dog reward. I deserve to experience results of my efforts, and I deserve to see and feel those results in my body and my loved ones. At that point I was just laying on top of the blanket trying to get back to sleep with the heat of the healing energy radiating from me.

At one point in my driftiness, I actually felt my abdominal wall begin to constrict gradually. It is one of the things I have struggled to fix, and I’m currently a bit jealous of a client that was able to have her similar concerns corrected surgically. She took the shortcut for something I’ve been attempting to accomplish on my own since Katherine was born (3 yrs). Last night my abdominals tightened enough that I could feel the misalignment in my spine from them having been too relaxed. I did my best to adjust and pop bones back without loosing the tone that divine energy enabled. It was an odd sensation, but one that I knew was ultimately a good thing. Perhaps it will enable the physical tendons and muscles to regain their rightful consistency and composure in a permanent way, time will tell.

I continued to lay half asleep for the rest of the morning. Alternating between no-mind driftiness similar to meditation, sensing my body, and commenting on things to the divine.

Needless to say when my alarms went off at 6 am I was not ready to get up, and felt like I hadn’t had enough sleep. Of course I really only slept from 10 pm to 2 am, so yeah 4 hours is not a full night’s sleep.

As it is, I’m in a gap at work writing this to try and make sense of all of it. I still don’t fully understand why this archetype speaks to me. I’m a midwestern white girl, with a black husband, and 3 mixed kids, one of which is a teenage stepdaughter. Why does the Hindu God have to be my communicator? It’s not like I fit the expected role for a guru, they’re usually single, chaste, old men. I’m entirely the opposite.

To make matters worse after telling Nathan of my dream I quickly got ready for work and began to head out. As I turned on our van to drive away, the sound that greeted my ears was an Indian male (that distinctive not quite british accent) saying “children quiet down now, we have a special treat in store for you”. It was apparently the start of a morning show that I never listen to because I always bluetooth music from my phone. Yet, I was left with a strong knowing it was a physical validation of everything my brain and body experienced in the wee hours of the morning.

Again, 38 year old white chick born in Ohio and midwestern to the bone. WTF? The gods seriously have a messed up sense of humor.

I’m not saying that my dream is impossible, but it would have to take Sadhguru himself picking someone like me to enable that kind of change. Hinduism isn’t likely to change their ideas on religious leaders and processes unless one of their most important figure heads actively makes those decisions and puts procedures in place to keep the doors open for gender equality.

There are currently too many taboos for women to even participate fully in rituals and services, let alone enable them to have a family and still be a religious leader. My own personal opinion is that many of those decisions were made by men wishing to maintain power control long ago. Some of the things that are taboo are supposedly because things would impact a woman’s menstrual cycle, and being who I am, I’ve tested those waters enough to know it’s bullshit for me. Often if I actually accomplish one of those taboos (downward dog while menstruating is a good example) I actually feel better. I can’t help but wonder how many of the taboos actually don’t impact women at all, and how many might impact energetically in a beneficial way (not negatively as suggested).

Anyway, that’s a side tangent expressing my disbelief in the dream. On one hand, it’d be really amazing if it actually happened, on the other I know I’m not ready to play Sadhguru’s role. Perhaps something similar to a lesser degree, fewer eyes upon me maybe. I have to acknowledge I have yet to master yoga or meditation for myself even, but I do get the basics. I’m still a work in progress, enough to not be the head guru. It’s just odd to me to even contemplate it, knowing all that I know and all that I’m still working on.

So, I simply don’t fully understand the events of the last 12 hours yet. I will leave space open for fuller understanding to eventually be clear to me.

May you understand your dreams and know you are experiencing healing in real time. May you know that your skills are respectable even if you haven’t fully mastered anything. May you know why you experience the divine in the ways that you do. May you know how to handle your experiences and their validations and know how to proceed. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Being selfish.

I have conceded again, that anything I have desired involving other people is pointless, because invariably they have their own hot mess that I can’t solve.

I can’t make anyone do anything, and now I know that I can pull up when their actions sting, even when there are layers and layers of sting.

I can only help myself be a better person, no matter what.

I can only help myself feel better, no matter what.

I know I can do anything that I choose to do.

I know I am very capable of a wide array of skilled activities.

I know I am skilled enough to learn anything I don’t already know. I am skilled enough to do many great things.

I have been responsible for many people and over many years. I have done everything I was supposed to do, be it based on parental or societal dictations. I’ve even learned how to best care for myself.

I am capable. I am intelligent. I am strong. I am good at everything I choose to do.

I have even learned to controll my emotions. It takes me less time, every time I do it. I know how to find happy, and it’s getting quicker and quicker.

I am enough.

I like feeling good. I appreciate this healing. My whole family deserves the same healing.

I have been fully responsible.

Now what?

I don’t know.

I see the fallacy of my childhood dreams, my idea of perfection is nearly impossible because it would require attempting to control others. The magic lies in letting the divine orchestrate the details.

My problem now lies in that; letting go of my dreams completely carries an emptiness of my own role, I don’t need to orchestrate my Atira, in just such a way. I have accomplished an ability to find peace and happiness no matter what. I have accomplished an ability to see all of the unconditional elements I desired, in my current place of now. Knowing I can work myself towards feeling better, feeling good, and seeing all of the basic desires manifested, leaves me feeling goal-less.

There is nothing I yearn for. There is nothing I desire. There is nothing that I feel is missing or needing accomplished. I can’t even label anything that I really want anymore.

There are some silly things like places to travel to, or things to do, but there is nothing I really desperately want. Pretty much everything has lost its draw.

I am okay with whatever. The Divine can decide for me, no matter what that means. I finally feel like I’ve detached from everything. Nothing is necessary, nothing is vital, and nothing even stands out as a major interest. I am open to anything or nothing, whichever God and Goddess dictate. Death does not scare me, and I’m already living in a crazy stupid world, full of chaos and negativity, so I obviously can handle that. Perhaps there is some other option, if so I’m open to it. Whatever the divine chooses for me.

May you find your peace. May you find full healing. May you see your loved ones healed as well. May you know that everything you need already is here. May you see everything you want and desire in your current reality. May you sense the empty expansion of letting the divine take over and decide for you. May you feel your infinite self and know that God loves and supports you in all that you do. May you trust the divine and allow it to decide for you, even if that might mean death is imminent. May you know that God knows more than you possibly can and will choose the best way for you.

Be still
And know that
I
am
God

First do no harm
So mote it be

Om Shanti

What peace looks like to me.

This is segment 4 of my inspired climb up the vibrational scale this weekend. I knew that to get good things, I must focus on good things, and I used pleasant memories to do that. I’ll go through some of them here. I apologise in advance, it’ll probably be a long one, this really makes me feel good.


Peace to me feels like the private clothing-optional spiritually-open camp that Nathan and I used to frequent (kids & then Covid rules deterred that for a long while). It was so safe, and so secure, and so accepting that even at nearly 300 pounds I could lay naked in the sun. Peace is that feeling of knowing that it’s truly okay and safe to just be me, absorbing beautiful suns’ rays, no matter what that looked like to others. Peace was knowing that there were others of every body type, every age, every gender identity, every sexual identity, and many religious preferences, all doing the same thing. We were all finding immense pleasure experiencing nature’s bounty in our god given skin, being 100% authentic. The overwhelming knowing that everyone is not only safe to be themselves, but accepted as themselves, was so very relieving.

The organization that created that environment went to great lengths to ensure that it was sacred safe ground. They cloaked the land in energy so strong that just stepping foot there soothes nerves. It is so laden with divine goodness that nearly anything goes. You can literally do anything you want as long as it doesn’t create a problem needing external support (police, fire, ambulance). Even drunken debauchery was well accepted, you could participate or not, whatever you want, and everyone knew that. We knew we didn’t have to tell others what not to do, if we didn’t think it was appropriate for ourselves we just didn’t participate. If you did participate in activities like that, even the after effects were lessened compared to external environments, i.e. hangovers were lowered in severity.

Many trips to that place brought many things to appreciate. There were woods and paths to hike, naked if you so choose. There was a big pond/small lake to swim in, canoes and row boats to float in. There was a giant 4 story stairmaster called the main stairs that went from the co-ed bathouse to the ridge where events happened. There was ample camping with options to choose from. They all bring moments of joy for me.

Everytime I would get to the stairs I would pause. People would always ask if I was okay, or offer that I could do it- I could make it up/down them. But my pause was never about the physical experience of climbing stairs, even at 300 pounds I knew I could, and fairly easily, only multiple trips got hard. No my pause was appreciation. The view from the top down, dozens of half naked or wholly naked people making the trek. Beautiful sun filtering through tree’s leaves, critters scurrying along side the same staircase not concerned about the people knowing they were equally safe to just be. It was absolutely beautiful and breathtaking. The view from the bottom equally beautiful, especially watching everyone’s butts twitch in unison as they climbed steps. There was always just something so amazing, exciting and peaceful all at the same time. Even writing this I feel my words are not quite good enough for the moment I always took to savor.

The lake, it was just plain safe fun. I remember the first time a fish nibbled my toes and sent me squealing out of the water. I remember swimming, knowing it was already safe, and hearing a man yell ‘freeze’ as a water moccasin made it’s way through the maze of swimmers. We did, we all just stopped splashing, and the snake didn’t even care we were there. It swam an arms length from me, unfazed that I was floating in it’s territory, that is safety. And the big snapping turtle, someone speculated was probably nearly 100 years old because of it’s size, it never did bother us. I always felt like it would swim just out of the humans area to see what we were up to. I think the turtle found us as entertaining as we did it. I can’t count the number of hours I spent swimming in that lake cooling down from my hours basking in the sun. Every trip to camp brought one singular sunburn, often that tanned before we even left camp, I always did come prepared for that. One summer was so hot the sunburn actually was significant and my aloe didn’t cut it. I went to the herbalist that hooked me up with very expensive miracle salve, handmade for healing, and it did- quickly. One jar was enough for several self-baking disasters, and that particular sunburn, though severe, healed in hours with just a few applications of the salve. My skin was grateful.

There was the garden where I would swing, watching bees and hummingbirds do their job. A wide array of flowers and sculptures to gaze upon. The butterflies would swarm in a beautiful cluster and land on your arms, hands, shoulders, and face if you held still enough to let them.

There was a hill by the lake, perfectly round with mulberry and willow trees around the edges, called Venus Mound. We all knew the rattlesnakes had their den under Venus Mound, but if you were quiet and peaceful they would share the hill during prime basking time. It was just a matter of acknowledgement of their presence and respect of their needs too. All who were respectful were safe, and often the snakes would move to accommodate you. That was always awe inspiring for me, though I never tested that very much myself (there is a scardy cat hiding deep inside me).

The most notable experience for me though, out of all of it, was when I learned decompression and re-entry the hard way. My first trip to camp I had never been such a place. It took me a solid day to decompress and begin to feel the relief and realize just how special camp was. You see in daily life we all play roles, and often those roles seem to pigeonhole us into being or acting a certain way. All of life seems to function that way. And I had been told that people whom frequent camp have jobs in every field: doctors, lawyers, police officers, EMTs, blue collar workers, everything; and it is their only safe place, that’s why pictures are not allowed unless direct permission is given. So part of me believed that I was safe, but I’d never really truly lived an experience like that and it just sank in really slowly. After we set-up camp I changed into shorts and a tank top but was otherwise dressed like someone at the store in the summer. Then I started wandering and meeting people. There were a few like me still in civilian clothes, mostly still setting up their campsite. Everyone already set-up seemed to be nearly naked and oh my was it a learning experience. The first woman I saw bigger than me, fully naked, was hugging a twig of a transgender person. I damn near cried and retreated into the woods to hide my blush and remove my bra. Then I met some of the camp elders, showing their age, but freely enjoying camp as much as someone a third their age. And on and on it went. By the end of the first day I managed to go topless with just a sarong on my bottom half. By day two I found the freedom of “naked as a jay bird” in the trees. It was exillirating and amazing. 4 days were spent like that before pack up and the trip home. I had to really convince myself that it was okay and worth while to go back to “normal”. Once home and back to work, it felt almost painful. It took 3 days to readjust to “normal”. My spirit definitely prefers camp, and hates the low vibration of rules and regulations and people telling each other what to do an how to be. I see that, in general, society still has enough really low vibrational people that screw things up for everyone else, that rules are somewhat vital and necessary. However, I definitely would prefer a life lived the way that camp functions. People responsible for themselves allowing others to do as they please as long as it causes no problems for the whole. People openly accepting everyone as who they are, in the entirety of that sense. I look forward to days where or collective vibration raises enough to enable that.

So yes, camp to me is a huge symbol of peace, tranquility, openness, acceptance, freedom, and being 100% truly authentic to your core being. That is what I want to see more of in this world.


I wanted to add a couple more common-place examples of peacefulness and acceptance which we all experience at some point in our lives. Something that we can all reach for the feeling place of. My words about camp may be inspiring, but if you’ve not had a similar experience you might have difficulty reaching for that feeling place.

Hugs, are one such feeling place that nearly everyone experiences at some point in their life. It might be a parent to child, co-workers over a successful work event, significant-others/spouses expressing love, friends in greeting or as support, or even that of hugging a pet. What all hugs have in common is the feeling of love. It is that warm sensation that spreads from your heart. It brings similes to lips and sometimes tears to eyes. It radiates in and all around, making you feel special, supported, and safe. It’s calming yet oddly invigorating. In the moment of any hug, if you close your eyes, it is like God is holding you as their baby. You know you are safe and that the person you are hugging does care in whatever way that moment is celebrating. Even better are the hugs of unconditional love: parents consoling children and lover’s embraces. Those moments carry a love so strong it obliterates everything outside of it. Time stands still and the moment is just the people present. Nothing outside of those arms’ embrace matters and your whole being is enveloped in love. You can almost hear angels sing and there’s a sense of fairies’ sprinkles of magic dust all around. You simply know all is well and it is safe to just be for a moment, however long of a moment you choose. That moment of unconditional-love hugs, is a very similar feeling place to many of my camp memories. It is the same feeling place that God resides, and that connection with the one whom you are hugging is allowing God force to flow in and all around both of you. It is healing and uplifting. It is life affirming. It is a moment of perfection that shifts everything in your experience to a more positive place. It is your freedom to be who you are. Savor every ounce of those moments, remember them frequently. Let them help you even when you can’t recreate that experience in the now. They are God’s gifts to our memory and our thoughts.

Finally, I see children playing happily as another of those moments. It doesn’t have to be your own children, any children you know will do (don’t be a playground creep). When you notice them playing happily, really notice them. Watch their faces, see the sparkle in their eyes. Listen to the giggles and squeals of delight. In those moments children are flowing God. If they sound too loud, it’s because you are too grumbly (I know this from my own experience). Take a moment to check yourself and relax. Really enjoy the fact that they are happy. Truly take a moment to savor their joy. See if you can figure out what is bringing that joy, see if you can feel the ripple of it. Feel for the uplifting sensations, the energetic playfulness that spills forth. If you can feel it and savor it, it will bring more and similar into your experience. If you don’t have access to watching children, then try to remember some moment like that from your own childhood. Those memories can get buried pretty deep under “have to’s” and “should do’s” but they are still in your memory banks somewhere. Reach and dig until you find one and focus so intently you relive the moment. Feel how happy you were, remember how much fun you were having. Those are our blessings just like hugs. Those moments allow God to flow through us and do wonderous things. They feel good and they bring good. We all have those moments somewhere if we allow ourselves to find them again.

The more we focus on these feelings, these moments of peace, of joy, of loving acceptance, the more our world will improve. Let’s all savor our blessings hidden in our memories.


May you have good thought journeys that end up in the highest vibrations possible. May you see and feel our expansion as a collective. May you simply know you are free to be yourself in any and every way possible. May you have safe, uplifting, life affirming environments to recharge in. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do and wants you to know true freedom and safety. May you have more and more good days and find the healing that God knows you deserve.

Om Shanti