Tag Archives: god

ET is helping me water my seeds… part 1

Today I was thinking about how 2 years ago I watched ET with my residents and felt the person I was calling the boy. That started my sense of that spirit and referencing it as my ET, acknowledging that I was feeling that spirit even as a young child. Somehow I just know they are linked and I in my stupid human form just don’t fully understand.

To that end I thought maybe I could show the movie to Ian, that maybe it would help me bring some understanding to him and maybe additional clarity for myself.

In that thought I then remembered the scene where ET was sick from having eaten all the junk food that the boys had brought him, and knowing he needed to get home where he could heal. I’m torn because I feel like I’m so closely linked to my ET that I’m getting sick off of those things in my experience, but at the same time I feel like I have so many things to accomplish and do in this 3D Earth experience that I’m hardly ready to go home. So today, I’ve been calling my physical reaction ‘forced fasting’. I love to eat tasty foods, but my body is rejecting everything on this day. My liver is purging and every smell is far too intense. Things that normally cause me to say yum are making me wish to vomit.

I was in the midst of one such moment when one of the employees of the building decided she would pray for me. Her words were very Christian, but most definitely evoked my sense of that spirit I call my ET, that spirit that had told me I could call him Shiva, that was linked to the person I called the boy, my divine masculine.

I am beginning to understand how the archetypes overlap, and I’m really beginning to feel the knowledge I’ve held for years that we’re all one, and all religions are really different interpretations of the same thing.

That then made me think of the catholic last week that told me not to do Reiki because it went against her beliefs. I was a little slow on the uptake and thought later that I really wanted to ask her if she would have refused Jesus’ healing, because the formal structure of Catholicism didn’t exist for several hundred years after Jesus died.

A healer with God given abilities is still a healer with God given abilities- regardless of what culture they were raised and named in, regardless of what language they speak.

In my case my first experience of healing in this world, at birth, was by an OB with an Indian name and things of India have always and still do resonate. Yet when I went to my parent’s Christian churches as a child, I was tormented and traumatized. Is it any wonder that God tells me he’s Shiva?

Regardless, I’m grateful for that connection, I’m grateful for feeling the divine touch my body and my life. I’m grateful for the healing gifts I’ve been given; and as Shiva told me when I was working on the catholic: you can’t change who you are, you can be quiet about it or change the wording, but it’s still a part of you.

So then in explaining Reiki to a resident I told them it’s essentially prayers in a foreign language and my hands tell it where to go. I said Siva Hir Su is the one I use most, it was my gift, and translated into biblical terminology would most closely align with ‘the divine light of christ is here’. She was perfectly content to accept the healing and said it was so very helpful.

So my Shiva-Jesus blend is helping me get through my day and providing healing to myself and my clients and residents.

It’s also helping me see things in this world that are just like what I want for my Atira, so that will be part 2, maybe this evening or tomorrow.

May you all find your connection to God’s grace and understanding of its applications. May you feel the love and healing and find your own God given gifts. Most of all may you have understanding and compassion and acceptance when others wish to help you, regardless of what that looks or sounds like.

Blessings everyone.

Siva Hir Su

A Brief Exposé

Preface:

I’m going to intention to be somewhat vague here. I’ve noticed overlapping patterns in my manifestations and resulting interactions with others. I intend for this post to apply to as many of those overlapping situations as possible.

First and foremost:

“Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here.” ~ “Hayling” by FC Kahuna

I have come to rest for the moment in a place of acceptance of myself as I stand. I’m seeing my power and abilities and yet evaluating whether I wish to push the envelope or just allow myself to be for a bit.

I woke hurting this morning, a combination of allergic reactions from Anya’s birthday celebration, and physical fatigue from having done a dozen very-deep tissues this week. Yet I managed to push through and find genuine gratitude that at least I’m feeling it.

There are people living in this world that are unable to feel their arms and legs and would appreciate the discomfort of my aches this morning.

That acknowledgement in combination with something that crossed my path yesterday led me to a realization that I had attracted myself an onslaught of people unwilling to express their gratitude for me in any meaningful way. I literally saw how several people in my recent history (last 5 years) probably did care on some level, but convinced themselves for whatever reasons that they could not align with the action or resources which they knew would convey that most effectively. As a result I’ve parted and chosen to move on the best way I can, but lingering hurts cross my mind on occasion.

So here I sit feeling confident in my current endeavors and abilities, a new fuller knowing of myself, but slightly hesitating. Knowing that as I move forward I wish to attract people and experiences that honor myself better.

That means I must start by honoring myself better.

You see, the Law of Attraction is just that.

Like attracts like.

I could not have attracted those people and experiences if I had not held myself in that particular alignment.

Extrapolation:

“Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused.” ~ “Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics

I have been abused in my lifetime. Repeatedly in fact, and in multiple ways: physically, mentally, and emotionally. In turn my abused mind and body, unable to handle the hurts, reflected them back at those in my experience. I became the abuser. Not as severe as my abusers were, but abuse I delivered none-the-less. I knew in my heart I could not let that continue and prayed for help to change myself. I prayed that I might be forgiven for my indescrections. My least desire of anything in this world is to be abuser or abused.

I have been used in less abusive ways. Simply being an employee is, in a way, being used. However, because of my history with abuse, many of my being-used situations reflect a similar negative consequence. I see that my dream of Atira would in a way require that I use others. However, it is my prayer that I find a balance where I can utilize others in the best way possible, and while honoring their gifts as best as I am able. I want my having to experience the flip side to be full of as many positive consequences as possible. That means if I am to have employees I wish to compensate them properly. That means if I’m to utilize volunteers I wish to honor them fully and treat them accordingly. I want to teach people that honoring each other and ourselves is a way of honoring God.

Despite being one of my favorite songs, what “Sweet Dreams” fails to sing about is all of the other options.

I wish to love and be loved.

I wish to honor and be honored.

I wish to serve and be served in the name of God.

I wish to respect and be respected.

I wish to care and be cared for.

I wish to share and be shared with.

I wish for intellectual and emotional equals to experience this give take world with as partners and companions. Where we can all reach for better.

Full-Circle:

“I wished for you too.” ~ Practical Magic

I attracted you, with my attention to my desires and my sloppy habits stemming from hurt. My mixed bag brought you into my experience.

Yet, you must admit that you are equally responsible. You aligned in the exact same manner. You focused on your desires, but missed your sloppiness from your past.

You see we are equals, carrying the same level of blame.

I suspect you felt that you were better than I. That you could manifest things better, or that you were smarter than I, more connected, more esteemed or somehow more gifted. In your hubris you aligned yourself with idiocy and in a way became the abuser.

Your lack of humility, your inability to reach for better took us out of alignment.

You see, I seek those willing to admit we’re all equals here on this Earth stumbling through and learning how to reach for better and improve ourselves. Those willing to move mankind toward a brighter future. Those willing to take responsibility for their actions, offer apologies when necessary, and reach for honoring themselves and others better. I acknowledge that none are perfect, yet in our imperfection lies our greatest gifts.

I know you saw my intelligence, my strength, my reserve, my determination, my extra large size, as well as my extra large energy. You saw my fortitude, my resolve, my ability to endure and persevere. You saw my gifts and talents and my inner beauty.

Yet, your sloppy habits brought to your attention my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. I pushed your comfort zone and set a high bar. I challenged you in ways you obviously were unable to handle, which took us further out of alignment.

So now I can revise what I want, need, and desire.

I seek someone with equal intelligence, strength, reserve, determination, and energy. Someone with fortitude, resolve, ability to endure and persevere. Someone with gifts and talents and inner beauty. Yet someone humble enough to acknowledge that all of that exists in me and many others as well. Someone open minded enough to handle my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. Someone willing to allow themselves to grow through experiencing me fully. Someone able to have constructive conversations even when beliefs diverge. Someone able to convey their preferences while still exploring the unknown or perceived contrasting experiences. I seek someone willing to love and be loved. Someone to honor and be honored. Someone willing to serve and be served in the name of God. Someone willing and able to respect everyone and in turn be respected, to care and be cared for. Someone able to share and be shared with.

I need for those someones to be able to take responsibility and share their gifts to commit to not just my family, but to building Atira. You see, I don’t just need money for Atira, I need people, hands, help, specific knowledge that I would rather utilize in others than begin to learn myself. Atira will fare far better, actually become a success, if there is a group, a poly family, willing to share the work load. I seek those people.

I have thought about each person that had previously aligned and subsequently misaligned with me. If further alignment was genuine, accompanied by equally genuine apologies, and foreseeably maintainable, then I could potentially welcome them back.

At the moment I have no evidence to the possibility of that, and suggestions, mere hearsay, to the contrary. Yet, I’m going to leave room that it might be possible. However, I’m not going to hold my breath, because I know the universe will provide what I desire regardless. It has so far, I was just sloppy about maintaining my alignment, and THAT is where I know I can and will do better.

May all of my readers take this to heart and find and maintain their alignment. May you all have those in your life that honor, respect and love you for being you. May you heal your hurts and move on successfully. May you find a way to make your dreams happen.

No matter what, it’s all okay.

This is a real true story of my morning yesterday. Initially I was a little freaked out, even with belief in it’s possibility, and having experienced similar events in the past. However, as I’ve thought about what happened I’m left with a deep sense that God really, really wanted me to hear your thoughts. (By “your”: the person whom I’ve called ‘the boy’ for the last 4 years.) I know it’s going to be okay no matter what. I’ll tell the story, and then I’ll put my 2 cents in at the end.

The story:

I started my day as usual, a Monday, which means elder massage in at least 2 different buildings. I got to the first building and started off fine. My 2nd person was in the dementia wing, and a centenarian I’ve worked with for about 7 years. She melted down on me saying she had to go, needed to find her keys and coat and get outta here. Very unusual for her, but I never give up on the first instance with anyone that has dementia, so I waited a couple of minutes and went to try again. She literally tried to wheel away from me. At precisely that moment a new lady to the building beckoned me. She’s new enough that I’ve only noticed her twice before, and definitely don’t know her name. I took the bait figuring it would be like most dementia conversations short and sweet ending with an ‘I don’t know, let me check into that’.

As I got closer she asked me “will you sit with me for a moment” I said sure and she reached out and took my hand.

She said: I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I can’t keep doing this. The doctors can’t tell me what’s wrong with me. She seemed very anxious so I gave a sincere apology and let the reiki flow, at which point I realized it was flowing very strongly without any focus on my part.

She said I really just want to go home and I assumed she meant the proverbial home that all elderly reference at one point or another.

I asked her what church she went to and if she wanted to talk with a pastor. She replied “I don’t know, I’ve never really done the church thing”. I asked if she was Catholic and she said “no I don’t do that Catholic thing”. I asked if she was Lutheran or Methodist and she said she wasn’t sure. I told her of the Methodist lady that visited and was the Minister’s wife and asked if she’d like to talk to that person. She replied “that sounds nice, maybe, … I’d really like to go to your church, your prayers that you do, they remind me of home”. (That was my first holy shit moment knowing my church hasn’t been built yet and I do mantras for prayer.) I just smiled and said thank you.

She looked at my very directly and said “You’re cute I love you, would you really go home with me? Doesn’t that scare you?” I gulped, I replied thank you, and yes I would, it wouldn’t really scare me I’d like to meet your family. ( I thought to myself if this is what I think it is, it’d be a little scary, but still totally worth it.)

She told me that I really was a beautiful person and that she loved me. Then said “We should get something to eat. What do you want to eat? Where would we go?” Knowing that the lady in front of me had literally just had breakfast, I gulped again. My reply was, that’s up to you, it’s tricky for me, but I can usually find something just about anywhere even if it’s just a salad. She replied “I’m sorry, my ulcer is acting up, I’m not really hungry, I’d really just like to go upstairs with you. I’m tired.” Knowing there wasn’t an upstairs to go to, I replied it’s ok, we don’t have to get anything to eat, you should rest.

She then told me we had 3 sisters, but the one was really weird. I said okay not really knowing how to take that.

She also asked me if I’d really take good care of the kids and I said I’d do my level best to make sure they were well cared for. She said “you’ll have to make sure he keeps a close eye on the kids for us, they will need it” and I said I would make sure of it.

Then she proceeded to apologize to me very sincerely saying she really screwed things up and didn’t know how to fix it, but that maybe Hal could help. (That was my second really big holy shit moment because most 80+ year olds don’t know, let alone understand the HAL reference.)

The last part of the conversation was her restating the ulcer bothering her and saying she loved me several times. At that point I was pretty sure that I wasn’t talking to the woman in front of me so I replied with an honest I love you too. She started to doze off with a statement of that’s enough for now and then someone walked by and woke her. When that happened, she said the following:

“I don’t know what to do, I really love you, I want to go home but I also want to go to Kansas City. I guess I’ll go back to Kansas City. Yes that’s it I’ll get back to Kansas City.” (Keep in mind we were sitting in the vast KC burb of Overland Park).

I said thank you, she replied with that’s enough and fell asleep.

_____________________________

My input:

This was very definitely not the woman in front of me and I really hope it’s you. God really does work in mysterious yet wonderful ways if you let it.

I really do hope you come back to Kansas City, and if so I’ll be waiting.

I’m about to take a leap of faith myself in a couple of months or so, one that will take a little time but will potentially have great results.

When you do get back, any Whole Foods would be fine with me I can find lots of things there. Or there’s a good kale salad at Cactus Grill on 119th St. But honestly wherever you’d like to go is fine.

Finally, after leaving the lady I felt a burning sensation in my stomach off and on all day, wanting to vommit a couple of times. That’s definitely consistent with an ulcer. If you have an ulcer, the following will help and potentially heal it. First, eliminate as much stress as possible. Ulcers are caused and aggravated by stress. (Meditation would help here.) Second drink bone broth at least twice a day, mildly season to taste. The seasoning helps make it palatable, but too much can aggravate the ulcer. Third take a really good probiotic, the higher the number of strains and the higher the quantity of each strain the better. You’ll have to find that in the refrigerated supplement section of a store like whole foods. If you want fast results look to spend $90 a bottle/month or even a bit more. Make sure to stick to just probiotic, because some of the brands have added veggies for nutrition, but that could aggravate the ulcer in the short term. If you’re certain that you tolerate dairy ok, then kefir or Greek yogurt can help, as they neutralize stomach acid and provide yet more good bacteria. (It’s counterproductive if you’re lactose intolerant though.) Also, get more magnesium in your system, like way more, a little at a time. Finally, alkaline drinks will help neutralize stomach acid as well. Those will be your high pH waters, anything with electrolytes added (minimal sugar or flavoring), and you can even do baking-soda/lemon-juice-water or cider vinegar water- the last 2 might seem counter intuitive, but they really are considered alkaline and will help.

Otherwise stick to mild, softish, high nutrition foods, in small quantities, less frequently. If you really pounce on all of these suggestions fully, you could potentially heal the ulcer in a couple of weeks. It’s really dependent on your allowing of natural healing process.

Believe it’s going to be ok, and yes perhaps HAL can help. God can and will help too, just believe. (Easier said than done, I know.)

Again, I’ve shared all of this with Nathan, and he’s on board and would watch the kids, but says you’ll need to talk to him and do a bit of explaining first. We do care.

Finally, Ian woke up to see me off to work this morning and told me the brown dinosaur is looking at the other dinosaurs now. It made me remember the 3 sisters comment from yesterday. Trust that God will help. I’ve felt the “brown dinosaur” much like I’ve felt you, and she just wants love too. It will work out. Love is like Ganesh and helps overcome all obstacles.

ZM3 H1R

That was one of the very few plates on my way into work this morning as we drove through beautiful heavy wet snow. The building put up vital staff for the night, but me living close and being less vital, and also having mad bus driving skills from days in Iowa, I chose to go home for the night.

We woke this morning to inches of snow, very moist heavy destructive snow. No power because of fallen lines and tree limbs, but it was oh so beautiful. Snow still falling lightly at that point, made me want to cuddle in a blanket by the window.

I’m glad I went home though because it was beautiful going in this morning.

And yes God I see you here.

(Disclaimer: I was in the passenger seat for picture taking, we still only have one car, so Nathan is still playing chauffer to keep the car for his needs.)

ReBirthing

Normally re-birthing is a process that happens over a few hours in a therapists office. It’s a very specific process that is intended to uncover and work through issues that center around birth and very early childhood, and the resulting body-memory/energy/emotional-set-point  that a person could potentially carry indefinitely.

For me, I have essentially experienced this as a gradual unwrapping over approximately the last 2 weeks (a bit more perhaps). It as happened in little snippets of those intuitive flashes I reference so often. For me the flashes happen as images, short clips like YouTube videos or memories, and sometimes feelings, sounds, and even muscle memory. Anyway, I’m going to relay my unfolding to the best of my ability, and what it has helped me figure out, so that others might be able to glean similar progress.

——-

The Facts I know of my birth from parental stories:

-I was delivered by Cesarean (c-section). My mom was lightly sedated, so upon delivery my father was the first to hold me. Story goes I immediately peed on him and the nurses has to change his gown.

-My mom had blood sugar issues, but no treatment. It was a time when gestational diabetes was still a new-ish diagnosis and diet suggestions were made but not even strictly enforced, no medications were used because they were not widely accepted as safe during pregnancy.

-The doctor was a short man (my dad thought that was hilarious and has joked about it repeatedly over my life) that needed a step stool for delivery. His name Dr. Gupta, he was from India.

-At birth I was Jaundice and spent a few days in critical care nursery. My level of jaundice was so intense my skin looked orange and my dad nicknamed me pumpkin. I also didn’t want to eat for several days, but was tickled into nursing/bottle feedings to keep me hydrated. It necessitated at least an hour of direct sunlight (4 hours suggested) daily to help bring the jaundice down. It took about 2 weeks for my skin to return to relative normal color.

-At the time my mom was the only significant income in the family, so she only had 2 weeks off  (whatever the minimum was for the incision to heal) and went back to work.

———-

Facts about me in general:

-I require regular sunlight or I get depressed.

-I have been told I’m borderline diabetic and was considered Gestational Diabetic during my son’s pregnancy/birth. I controlled the pregnancy and my current state with Diet, Exercise, and certain Supplements.

-When I am very depressed or in a moment of severe negative emotions, my inclination is always to rock myself. I literally sit in a quiet space and close my eyes and rock my body back and forth like in a rocking chair. It is nearly always the only thing that helps when I’m at my worst.

-I don’t believe that I have actual conscious brain memory of my birth, but there is possibility of subconscious memories or body/muscle memory.

——

The intuitive flashes I’ve “received”, which may or may not be 100% accurate, please know that these all happened in meditative space, I have not consumed any mind altering drugs:

-I had a visual clip of the doctor rocking and rocking my bassinet in the nursery and humming/singing quietly to me.

-I had a similar clip of my dad’s early interactions, lots of bouncing, holding me and touching me with furrowed brows and very stiff movements. Another clip of the moment after I peed on him, being held in mid air (almost like Simba from Lion King) while nurses wiped my dad off and put a new gown or blanket over him.

-I had a moment where I felt the sensations of the rocking in the nursery, the lights seemed too bright so I closed my eyes, I felt very scared and wanted to cry, and then the rocking started and the humming/soft singing started shortly after.

-I had a moment where I felt very scared because I didn’t know where mom went. Dad was there but I really felt like “I want mom”, again making me feel like crying.

-I had a visual of my mom in the rocking chair by the window (at home), rocking me and singing.


My current interpretation based on all of those elements put together:

Mom was all I knew before birth. I perceived her as being my protector. Yet, she was unable to protect me from sugar, and I got far too much sugar while in-vitro. She did her best, and especially after birth, once I was home, she really worked hard to try and make up for it, rocking and rocking me, singing to me, like the doctor had done.

My dad loved me, but being a man from his generation, didn’t really understand how to interact lovingly with a newborn. Men were simply not taught how to do that. He was doing his best, but I as an infant without words could tell he was just different from mom, and I wanted the feeling place of mom, really I wanted the feeling place of what the doctor started.

As an adult I’ve learned a lot about alternatives. I perceive the doctor, even though he functioned through western medicine, probably had beliefs regarding spirit and it’s ability to heal because of his upbringing. I think that immediately he saw a beautiful baby girl, that was very special (I’m certain that my skin tone evoked memories of certain rituals in India) and that he knew I needed a little extra TLC. I think he was so touched by my appearance that he simply wanted to help me heal. He would have gone to his upbringing and did what would have been done in India. Attempting to connect me with my inner self, my spirit, to heal my body. So, he didn’t hold me directly, knowing that babies can get attached to those first few people in their lives. He rocked my cradle and sang to me, helping to calm me and soothe me so that my body could heal.

Now he probably thought that not actually holding me for any length of time exempted him from me getting attached. Unfortunately my new understanding is that I did anyway. For the first few days of my life, he was the only significant interaction outside of my mother at nursing time. Holding me or not, his interactions helped to soothe me and did help to heal me, so I attached anyway. His presence was a God send in an otherwise harsh sterile environment, and I now have no doubt that it was a major influence in decisions that I have come to over time. I simply didn’t know that I was making decisions based upon that interaction.

What do I mean?

I went searching for that feeling place early on in life. I was in 4th grade the first time I tried someone else’s church: a Pentecostal church (prior to that we’d gone solely to dad’s Mormon church). The Pentecostal church was fun, but didn’t give me that feeling. By the end of middle-school I’d been to the Quakers, Lutherans, Methodists, and Catholics. By high-school I’d read the Bible (blaech-boring and so damn convoluted with contradictions), Sidhartha, most of the Tao de Ching, and had looked up tons information on Confucianism and Zen Buddhism. I was a junior in high-school the day that my friend Erin invited me to her home, which doubled as the Buddhist temple, to speak with Lama Renpoche. It was a very expansive experience, being 2 hours of 5 high-schoolers speaking with an esteemed Buddhist leader. It answered some of my questions, but not all of them. It was about that time that I started learning about Paganism and Hinduism. Between the knowledge of the 3 paths, I found mine. I called myself pagan, because no other label really fits, no one box label is truly accurate, because honestly I just blend what works for me. Adding hindsight about the birth, explains why I resonate with mantras, it’s likely that that is what the doctor was singing to me. Regardless the feeling place of being rocked in the cradle with the mantras being sung is evoked when I meditate, and I would not have found meditation if not for learning about Buddhism and Hinduism. So the attachment to that doctor guided me to find the knowing.

Fast forward, and my birth again guided me when I went to have Ian. I knew that I wanted my child to have an amazing birth. A loving birth. Essentially, I wanted my child to have the experience that I was denied, I wanted the opposite of my birth. I went to great lengths to ensure a home water birth while having “Gestational Diabetes”. I stuck to it because I was deciding for someone that had no say. And I did.

Ian’s birth was nearly perfect. 12.5 hours of labor, as gentle as could be. Soothing warm water surrounded me for three quarters of it. Ian was born in occiput posterior (OP) position (really most of labor was that way), but my midwife was unfazed by the positioning and so I was fine too. I knew I was in capable hands and that helped the birth experience go great. Ian was born, and with the exception of a very brief removal of the cord from his neck, I was the first person to hold, to touch my child in those soothing warm waters. Dad (Nathan) reached forward around me and held his tiny hand. It was a very soothing wonderful experience. Even when we finally got out of the birth tub, it was 10 steps to bed and cuddle time for essentially 24 hours straight. Blissful.

I have said and will continue to say that Ian’s birth went as perfectly as any mom could expect, and I know that a major part of that was my willingness to do whatever that took with diet, exercise, and mindfulness.

The only thing that I would have changed was how much time I took off of work afterward. I too was the sole income for our little family (perhaps another remnant of my birth re-manifesting), so I only got 3 weeks off and even during that 3 weeks I did work a little. I sincerely hope that Ian can forgive me for that when he gets older. We minimized my working as much as possible, but when you are the only source of money, it’s unavoidable to return to work sooner than you’d like.

My birth experiences as a baby led to greater effort on my part and decisions that produced entirely the opposite experience for my child. I am ever so grateful for that. I can not fully put into words the relief I felt when I realized that. It was a very healing realization.

That being said, I love myself even more. I appreciate that I was able to undo a well accepted and well established “necessity” to provide my child a loving birth. I appreciate that the energy of the birth experience far outweighed my desire to take the easy route with medicine and a hospital birth. I appreciate that my efforts will likely turn into better manifestations for my son later in his life, and hopefully a better understanding of my love for him.

—–

The only thing that remains from my rebirthing is this cycle of Indian men ‘loving and leaving’. I can see the pattern now. I can see that I keep inviting them into my life when I need help the most, my darkest hours. And like the doctor at my birth they duck out when the worst of the storm is over. It’s really more of a quiet unnoticed exit, as in you can’t see me, so now is my chance. This latest man is the 3rd such repeat of this cycle: one when I was a child in school, and the other -Rajesh- as an adult.

At this point, now that I see the pattern, I find myself reiterating that I would like for one of them to stay. I would like for one of them to love me enough to be a permanent part of my life. As much as I appreciate the healing they provided, I want to wipe the idea of detached from their slate. And perhaps it’s because I can see that even though they tried to remain detached, there is really no such thing. If I have these memories, I have these feelings, I have these associations, then there is an attachment- for better or worse.

You don’t remember things that you don’t care about. Do you remember what color your shoelaces were on a pair of shoes from 3rd grade? Do you remember what you ate for lunch the 3rd Monday of 4th grade? Do you remember all of your clothes from your entire childhood? No they were things that you were not attached to, so your brain didn’t lock them away. You might remember your favorite item or events from each school year, or your most precious toys, but you won’t remember them all. You simply didn’t attach to them all.

To me attachment is an inevitable subtle side-effect of caring. When you care, it affects you, and then you remember those things, those events, those places, those people. I want the things that affect me in that way to leave happy feelings, like childhood vacations and favorite meals.

Yet, my current experience of 3 of the 4 Indian men in my life is regret. Regret that I wasn’t able to convey my appreciation for them being there. Regret that they got away without knowing truly how much they helped me. Wishing that I had said or done something that would have led them to reconsider leaving. Wishing that they could have taught others in my life a better way (though that mostly pertains to the doctor in regards to my dad’s interactions).

So, it all boils down to love (thanks Ms. Hay :/ ). Those are all symptoms of love. Those are all aspects of interactions based on love. I couldn’t tell them that they helped me and that I loved them for it, and yet those that remained in my life were somehow unable to do what those men did. It also boils down to my ability to love myself and find that connection. Those men taught me how, but I don’t seem to be able to maintain it consistently to this day. I can’t spend all day sitting in the sun rocking myself and singing mantras. I can’t convince myself indefinitely that things will really be all right. Oh, I have my moments like that, I can do it for a few minutes here and there, even a few  hours at a time, but all day every day is where I slip. I have yet to find their level of zen. SO then I want them to stay, because maybe I could absorb it vicariously through them.

That’s probably not healthy either. It must be another lesson on learning to love myself. I find it interesting that every layer of the onion produces one round of healing and another yet to solve. I love and forgive myself over birthing experiences, but have yet to figure out a way to love and heal myself in regards to interactions with other adults. Perhaps the point at which my memories of the men no longer carry regret, I will have one decide to stay. But maybe that is just a belief needing revised too. Some days I feel like all of my work is on myself, and that the interactions with life are merely the filler.

 

 

 

I believe in miracles.

” If you stumble about believability, what are you living for? Love is hard to believe, ask any lover. Life is hard to believe, ask any scientist. God is hard to believe, ask any believer. What is your problem with hard to believe?” – Yann Martel

Thank you Logical Quotes Daily Blog http://www.logicalquotes.com

I believe in all of those things, and acknowledgement of that this morning left me with a wonderful sense of anything is possible. Anything truly is possible because I have participated in the greatest miracles. I have been through experiences that leave a knowing of those 3 elements of existence.

Love (and Life):

I loved Nathan when he was married and dating other women at the same time. I didn’t at the time see how I could possibly fit into that already complex picture, but I loved him none-the-less.  I could never have foreseen the chain of events that eventually led to me being a significant part of his life, let alone me being his legal wife. I just knew I loved him. So much so, that I once got accused of being his stalker (by the wife and girlfriend) and had to dial back my affections. Eventually it all worked out. The wife left of her own accord and the girlfriend became so oppressive that Nathan chose to end that relationship. I was hesitant to reassert my affections at that point, knowing all he’d been through, but at this point 14 years later, I’m so glad I did. I still to this day love him and feel the miracle of love daily, and our life together has had enough challenges to know that our love will always win. We’ve mastered the “for worse” and “poorer”, I look forward to mastering the “for better” and “richer”.

I love his daughter. She was not mine to love, as I did not give birth to her. I had no reason to love her, and it screamed of potential disaster for me (my parents even tried to warn me against it). There were so many possible ways that I could have ended up hurt for loving that child. Yet I did, and still do. She’s an amazing girl and I’m so grateful for that miracle in my life.

I love Ian. I think a mother always loves her children, even when life might cause less than desired circumstances (loss, adoption, etc.). However, I loved Ian so much more intensely than I could have imagined. He’ll be 3 in about a month, and I still look at him at times and start crying purely from the sheer joy of the love I have for him.  He is the one of the biggest miracles in my life. He is not only a miracle of Love for me but also the miracle of Life. I participated in a truly miraculous set of events that culminated in the birth of a very healthy, beautiful, and super-smart baby. I could never have foreseen the things I’d need to do to make that happen, I only knew I wanted a water birth and would do anything necessary to make sure it was so. The beautiful joyful blissful experience that it was, left me in awe. It also solidified for me how much a miracle of life I had participated in. Perhaps that is why I feel love for my dear Ian so intensely to this day. He is very much a double miracle for me.

I love the man that I have absolutely no reason to love. This is probably the most intense example of love as a miracle for me. There is no reason. None. He’s not even in the same region as I am right now, and perhaps may never be. Yet I love him just the same. I think I have an inkling of how mom’s feel when their kids go away to college in a distant place. Yet, he’s not my child. He’s not my flesh and blood. He’s given me very little reason to love him. I still have yet to meet him, and possibly never will. With all of that said, I know for certain that my love for him is a miracle. There is no logical reason or explanation, yet I feel it as intensely as with Nathan and Ian. It is truly a miracle, and one that I relish and cling to.

mir·a·cle [ˈmirək(ə)l] NOUN

  • a highly improbable or extraordinary event, development, or accomplishment that brings very welcome consequences
  • a surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore considered to be the work of a divine agency
  • an amazing product or achievement, or an outstanding example of something

GOD

I have seen God(s) aspects. I have had visions. I “hear” and feel things I can not explain. I have felt the presence and I have experienced external environmental things that could not be explained fully or satisfactorily by science. I do believe that God works miracles in my life. It may not always be on my chosen timeline, I may be a spoiled brat demanding things of my divine parents at times, but I do acknowledge that I sense and believe in that presence in my life. I am a believer.

 

Having had all of these experiences. Having first hand accounts of the miracle of love 4 times over. Having first hand accounts of the miracle of life. Having first hand accounts of divine miracles. I do believe in all of them. I believe them with all of my being. I’m not christian, I’m not any one of the Formalized Religions. Yet I do believe these things.

So, I’m left with believing, though it may seem difficult on the surface or to others, really isn’t difficult for me. So then I must acknowledge all things are possible. All things really are possible with a little belief. So, I just need to focus there. If I focus on that fact: I believe in love, I believe in the miracle of life, I believe in the divine; then I can believe in anything. I can believe in and eventually see any miracle I wish. Anything really is possible. Anything can happen.

And after a great night’s sleep in a beautiful home with wonderful air-conditioning, I’m very much looking forward to miracles in my life. Many, many wonderful, beautiful, amazing miracles.

To quote my friend:

Everyone has a sunny day when things will be bright…. it’s just time.

 

Yes, yes it is. It’s time.