Tag Archives: god

Another conversation with God.

I have been asking God questions, but I can’t get them out of my head to be able to clear space for the answers. So I’m going to dictate my current conversation with God to hopefully allow the space for answers to come.


Hi God: Shiva/Avalokiteshvara/Quan-Yin,

I know you love me and I know Nathan loves me. I know I don’t really need anything or anyone else. So why on Earth do I still want those other people and feel like I must keep trying so hard?

I have gotten really good at loving people that don’t return love. I’m good at loving the man I do have, and decent at showing him my love (there is always room for improvement). So why is it so damn hard to love myself as much? Why do I feel like I want another? Why do I still put others first?

I have spent a lifetime trying to please others. I let myself walk right into several situations where people said the right things, used words to get into me/my life, and took advantage of me and then left me hanging. Some hurt deep to my core and still resurface even after much emotional work. Why do they still resurface? Why is it so hard to let that go and expect others to reciprocate? Why do I still try to do everything, knowing that no-one will do any of it for me? Why can’t I believe that things will be done for me? Why can’t I believe that others will give as much as I do?

I know that I am doing so much better than a decade ago. I know I am far healthier in my daily practices than most of America. I know that I have made huge strides towards fixing my health and being healthy. So why can’t I allow full healing? I want to allow full healing. Why do I feel like that means I need to look a certain way? Why am I so stuck on others being able to see my health? Why do I need validation from others? Why does western medicine get under my skin and bother me so much, and why do I let their tests and opinions matter?

I run circles around most people. I can consume 500-700 calories and still do 5 hours of deep tissue and a full workout and just be normal tired. So why does a doctor doing blood work and writing prescriptions even matter? Why do I want my blood work to be “normal” when I know they frequently change what they think normal is? I know I don’t care about living to 90 and being bedridden on a gaggle of drugs, so why do I care that they think I need any? Why do I feel like I need to be a skinny Minney or body-builder to be considered healthy? Why do I want for my skin to shrink so badly? Why do I care?

I know that I have done far more than many people, in regards to many things. Why do I have such a hard time believing I have done all that needs to be done? Why do I feel like I must have to do more? Why can’t I believe I am enough, I have done enough? I want to, and thought I had figured it out. Why does it keep coming back?

I am carrying enough stored calories to exist for at least 60 days without consuming anything but water. Also, I stay on top of vital nutrition with all my supplements, so I know it isn’t something I am lacking. Why do I still fight cravings? Why does hunger rule my body? Why can’t I just shut it off and stop eating until the stored calories and extra skin are consumed? Why is this process so damn hard?

I want to allow. I know sometimes I feel I am without a doubt. Other times I feel good and think I am allowing, but I still have all these moments, all these triggers that say otherwise. When will I have allowed enough that my change is visible? When will I have full health, and the things I do desire? How much allowing does it take to fix these things? Again, why can’t I see and believe I have already done enough?

I know that some of this will work out in time. The rest I hope I can allow your clarity and your answers. I do love you God and I really don’t want to be a whiney doubting nag. I just want to delete the old programming and allow the new me to be fully revealed and healthy inside and out. I’m doing my best and I’m trying to believe I am enough. I am so grateful for everything you have done for me already. I thank you everyday for all the good that has already manifested, and I am ever so grateful that I am able to help others through my connection to your light. I hope to be able to continue spreading your light and blessings for many years to come. I hope those that I may have hurt forgive me, and that any damage done is healed for everyone. I love you, God, more than anything or anyone else.


May you have good conversations with God. May you allow room for the answers you need. May you find you are able to listen for those answers. May you have ample things to find gratitude over. May you have joy and love in your life. May you be able to release old limiting beliefs. May you know that others care and reciprocate your affections and acts of service. May you know God loves you and supports you. Above all, may you find love for yourself and find ways to show yourself love daily.

Siva Hir Su

ET is helping me water my seeds… part 1

Today I was thinking about how 2 years ago I watched ET with my residents and felt the person I was calling the boy. That started my sense of that spirit and referencing it as my ET, acknowledging that I was feeling that spirit even as a young child. Somehow I just know they are linked and I in my stupid human form just don’t fully understand.

To that end I thought maybe I could show the movie to Ian, that maybe it would help me bring some understanding to him and maybe additional clarity for myself.

In that thought I then remembered the scene where ET was sick from having eaten all the junk food that the boys had brought him, and knowing he needed to get home where he could heal. I’m torn because I feel like I’m so closely linked to my ET that I’m getting sick off of those things in my experience, but at the same time I feel like I have so many things to accomplish and do in this 3D Earth experience that I’m hardly ready to go home. So today, I’ve been calling my physical reaction ‘forced fasting’. I love to eat tasty foods, but my body is rejecting everything on this day. My liver is purging and every smell is far too intense. Things that normally cause me to say yum are making me wish to vomit.

I was in the midst of one such moment when one of the employees of the building decided she would pray for me. Her words were very Christian, but most definitely evoked my sense of that spirit I call my ET, that spirit that had told me I could call him Shiva, that was linked to the person I called the boy, my divine masculine.

I am beginning to understand how the archetypes overlap, and I’m really beginning to feel the knowledge I’ve held for years that we’re all one, and all religions are really different interpretations of the same thing.

That then made me think of the catholic last week that told me not to do Reiki because it went against her beliefs. I was a little slow on the uptake and thought later that I really wanted to ask her if she would have refused Jesus’ healing, because the formal structure of Catholicism didn’t exist for several hundred years after Jesus died.

A healer with God given abilities is still a healer with God given abilities- regardless of what culture they were raised and named in, regardless of what language they speak.

In my case my first experience of healing in this world, at birth, was by an OB with an Indian name and things of India have always and still do resonate. Yet when I went to my parent’s Christian churches as a child, I was tormented and traumatized. Is it any wonder that God tells me he’s Shiva?

Regardless, I’m grateful for that connection, I’m grateful for feeling the divine touch my body and my life. I’m grateful for the healing gifts I’ve been given; and as Shiva told me when I was working on the catholic: you can’t change who you are, you can be quiet about it or change the wording, but it’s still a part of you.

So then in explaining Reiki to a resident I told them it’s essentially prayers in a foreign language and my hands tell it where to go. I said Siva Hir Su is the one I use most, it was my gift, and translated into biblical terminology would most closely align with ‘the divine light of christ is here’. She was perfectly content to accept the healing and said it was so very helpful.

So my Shiva-Jesus blend is helping me get through my day and providing healing to myself and my clients and residents.

It’s also helping me see things in this world that are just like what I want for my Atira, so that will be part 2, maybe this evening or tomorrow.

May you all find your connection to God’s grace and understanding of its applications. May you feel the love and healing and find your own God given gifts. Most of all may you have understanding and compassion and acceptance when others wish to help you, regardless of what that looks or sounds like.

Blessings everyone.

Siva Hir Su

A Brief Exposé

Preface:

I’m going to intention to be somewhat vague here. I’ve noticed overlapping patterns in my manifestations and resulting interactions with others. I intend for this post to apply to as many of those overlapping situations as possible.

First and foremost:

“Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here.” ~ “Hayling” by FC Kahuna

I have come to rest for the moment in a place of acceptance of myself as I stand. I’m seeing my power and abilities and yet evaluating whether I wish to push the envelope or just allow myself to be for a bit.

I woke hurting this morning, a combination of allergic reactions from Anya’s birthday celebration, and physical fatigue from having done a dozen very-deep tissues this week. Yet I managed to push through and find genuine gratitude that at least I’m feeling it.

There are people living in this world that are unable to feel their arms and legs and would appreciate the discomfort of my aches this morning.

That acknowledgement in combination with something that crossed my path yesterday led me to a realization that I had attracted myself an onslaught of people unwilling to express their gratitude for me in any meaningful way. I literally saw how several people in my recent history (last 5 years) probably did care on some level, but convinced themselves for whatever reasons that they could not align with the action or resources which they knew would convey that most effectively. As a result I’ve parted and chosen to move on the best way I can, but lingering hurts cross my mind on occasion.

So here I sit feeling confident in my current endeavors and abilities, a new fuller knowing of myself, but slightly hesitating. Knowing that as I move forward I wish to attract people and experiences that honor myself better.

That means I must start by honoring myself better.

You see, the Law of Attraction is just that.

Like attracts like.

I could not have attracted those people and experiences if I had not held myself in that particular alignment.

Extrapolation:

“Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused.” ~ “Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics

I have been abused in my lifetime. Repeatedly in fact, and in multiple ways: physically, mentally, and emotionally. In turn my abused mind and body, unable to handle the hurts, reflected them back at those in my experience. I became the abuser. Not as severe as my abusers were, but abuse I delivered none-the-less. I knew in my heart I could not let that continue and prayed for help to change myself. I prayed that I might be forgiven for my indescrections. My least desire of anything in this world is to be abuser or abused.

I have been used in less abusive ways. Simply being an employee is, in a way, being used. However, because of my history with abuse, many of my being-used situations reflect a similar negative consequence. I see that my dream of Atira would in a way require that I use others. However, it is my prayer that I find a balance where I can utilize others in the best way possible, and while honoring their gifts as best as I am able. I want my having to experience the flip side to be full of as many positive consequences as possible. That means if I am to have employees I wish to compensate them properly. That means if I’m to utilize volunteers I wish to honor them fully and treat them accordingly. I want to teach people that honoring each other and ourselves is a way of honoring God.

Despite being one of my favorite songs, what “Sweet Dreams” fails to sing about is all of the other options.

I wish to love and be loved.

I wish to honor and be honored.

I wish to serve and be served in the name of God.

I wish to respect and be respected.

I wish to care and be cared for.

I wish to share and be shared with.

I wish for intellectual and emotional equals to experience this give take world with as partners and companions. Where we can all reach for better.

Full-Circle:

“I wished for you too.” ~ Practical Magic

I attracted you, with my attention to my desires and my sloppy habits stemming from hurt. My mixed bag brought you into my experience.

Yet, you must admit that you are equally responsible. You aligned in the exact same manner. You focused on your desires, but missed your sloppiness from your past.

You see we are equals, carrying the same level of blame.

I suspect you felt that you were better than I. That you could manifest things better, or that you were smarter than I, more connected, more esteemed or somehow more gifted. In your hubris you aligned yourself with idiocy and in a way became the abuser.

Your lack of humility, your inability to reach for better took us out of alignment.

You see, I seek those willing to admit we’re all equals here on this Earth stumbling through and learning how to reach for better and improve ourselves. Those willing to move mankind toward a brighter future. Those willing to take responsibility for their actions, offer apologies when necessary, and reach for honoring themselves and others better. I acknowledge that none are perfect, yet in our imperfection lies our greatest gifts.

I know you saw my intelligence, my strength, my reserve, my determination, my extra large size, as well as my extra large energy. You saw my fortitude, my resolve, my ability to endure and persevere. You saw my gifts and talents and my inner beauty.

Yet, your sloppy habits brought to your attention my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. I pushed your comfort zone and set a high bar. I challenged you in ways you obviously were unable to handle, which took us further out of alignment.

So now I can revise what I want, need, and desire.

I seek someone with equal intelligence, strength, reserve, determination, and energy. Someone with fortitude, resolve, ability to endure and persevere. Someone with gifts and talents and inner beauty. Yet someone humble enough to acknowledge that all of that exists in me and many others as well. Someone open minded enough to handle my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. Someone willing to allow themselves to grow through experiencing me fully. Someone able to have constructive conversations even when beliefs diverge. Someone able to convey their preferences while still exploring the unknown or perceived contrasting experiences. I seek someone willing to love and be loved. Someone to honor and be honored. Someone willing to serve and be served in the name of God. Someone willing and able to respect everyone and in turn be respected, to care and be cared for. Someone able to share and be shared with.

I need for those someones to be able to take responsibility and share their gifts to commit to not just my family, but to building Atira. You see, I don’t just need money for Atira, I need people, hands, help, specific knowledge that I would rather utilize in others than begin to learn myself. Atira will fare far better, actually become a success, if there is a group, a poly family, willing to share the work load. I seek those people.

I have thought about each person that had previously aligned and subsequently misaligned with me. If further alignment was genuine, accompanied by equally genuine apologies, and foreseeably maintainable, then I could potentially welcome them back.

At the moment I have no evidence to the possibility of that, and suggestions, mere hearsay, to the contrary. Yet, I’m going to leave room that it might be possible. However, I’m not going to hold my breath, because I know the universe will provide what I desire regardless. It has so far, I was just sloppy about maintaining my alignment, and THAT is where I know I can and will do better.

May all of my readers take this to heart and find and maintain their alignment. May you all have those in your life that honor, respect and love you for being you. May you heal your hurts and move on successfully. May you find a way to make your dreams happen.