Tag Archives: god

Love Prevails

My baby burned herself last night. She wanted my tea, but it had some caffeine. Even though it was minimal caffeine, I said no because it was just before her bedtime. She decided to go help herself to what her dad had set to steep for himself. I was 30 seconds too slow to realize she had sneaked away and it was too quiet. I called for her and immediately heard a scream. I lept up just as she came running back to me soaked in hot liquid. Her front was burned fairly badly, several blisters popped as I took the wet shirt off of her. I instantly went into first-aid mode, but doing my best to be loving momma at the same time. I coated her in a very thick layer of aloe and applied lavender soaked gauze pads.

This morning it was significantly better, but the worst areas were still blistered and dark. So before my short shift I reapplied another thick layer of aloe and lavender soaked gauze. She knew I was trying to fix it for her.

I know she will be okay and heal just fine. I also know she learned her lesson and will likely never do that again. I also know that she knows I love her, because not only did I try to protect her, I also helped when her choice hurt her badly.

For some reason it has made me think about this holiday season. I am determined to let love prevail and I am wishing that for everyone.

Right now we are in the midst of a collective situation that can be compared to the story of when baby Jesus’ life was threatened by troops searching for all the male babies to be killed. One person in power, afraid of his power being stripped, sent destruction out on everyone.

Powers that be desperately want us to stay afraid and sequestered. They want us to hide in our homes and loose ourselves. Sadly, part of this situation is fueled by a desire to make money off of our fears (pharma with vaccines). The other part is fueled by those already in a state of fear and compounded by fears of being sued, knowing that even if insurance is present, it often fails to do it’s job.  If you follow the trails far enough, both could likely be traced back to a handful of 1%’ers, and would definitely encourage fears of conspiracy against the masses. One could definitely assume that THEY created the virus to get at us.

But one could also assume it was an opportunity of convenience. An unknown new thing which used properly scared the daylights out of everyone, and caused a chain reaction of organizations and entities afraid of litigation.

In order to break the cycle of fear, we must simply BE ourselves. And this holiday season let us be like Mary and Joseph in that story. Cling to that which you have, and that which you know and love, and ignore the fear of others. Listen to your inner being and follow God’s cues, and let love be your guiding light.

For me I am grateful I know how to BE myself.

I am grateful for my clients and their gifts and kindness.

I am grateful that I understand that this disease is statistically no worse than the flu and comparable in risk to vaccines themselves.

I am immensely grateful that I have access to (mostly), and knowledge of, many things that help get over viral infections and any resulting damage to my body. I’m eternally grateful that God fills in where my knowledge and tools fail, providing an infinite supply of healing energy.

I am grateful that instead of making money off of other’s fears, I am earning my way helping my clients find their way back to their inner being.

I am able to support my family because I help people relax back into their inner-selves and find healing space.

I am grateful that I can find my way back to my inner-being , even when the darkness threatens to drown me.

I am grateful that my inner being helps me do good work.

I am grateful that I have clients that are generally as kind and generous as I aim to be.

I am grateful that I have a safe home and a loving family.

I am honored to be able to help people find healing, whether it is my own child, or clients on my table.

I am appreciative that I understand I don’t have to live in fear just because others are doing their best to convince me to do so. I don’t have to live in fear just because others are.

I am very happy that I understand my inner being view is far more important than what anyone else is doing or thinking.

I am so appreciative that God loves me and that I love God back. So many people forget to give God love, and I am happy to do so. Every time my brain looses it’s way, I work hard to get back on track just so I can have my connection back and give God some love again.

I’m grateful that even though I won’t be visiting long distance family, I will still be able to spend my holidays with time off and have warm loving holiday celebrations with my family.

I’m grateful for the abundance that enabled gifts for my children and good healthy food on our table.

I grateful that I was able to extend offers for friends to join our holiday celebration. Whether or not they actually join us, I am appreciative that I am capable of having them visit with us.

I am reaching for many things this holiday. I’m teaching for: a loving home, a prosperous business, a healthy body, and living in a world where love triumphs over fears.

Join me in shifting our world perspective to brighter days. Join me in focusing on the positives and letting the love flow. Demolish the fears and darkness. Rebuild with the light of a loving God.

May we all find a way to kill darkness and give birth to a loving new world. May we all find peace and joy these holidays to begin a new year in a much better place. May we all find our inner-being and higher-self view of this day and every day moving forward. May you know that God loves you and just wants loved back. May you know that God can heal us all if we allow for it. May we all find brighter, better, more joyful, more prosperous, more healing days ahead of us.

Destroy the negatives- Siva Hir Su

Rebuild the world in love and light- Dai Ko Mio, Om Mani Padme Hum.


Find peace, love and joy. – Om Shanti

Om Namo Maha Deva; Praise God, Amen

I can’t stop the war, inside or out.

I’m on day one of my seaweed and fluids fast. 4 hours of massage went mostly okay. I have been on the emotional rollercoaster because I forgot to take my usual lunch supplements in the gap I had just before lunch. So 12 to 2 pm was pretty rough. Once I remembered that and then had a chance to take them, my mood stabilized.

However, the dip caused some sort of release. I’m still processing, but this is my only chance to write in the quiet solitude of Minor Park. A heron decided to join me and landed on the sandbar as I was finding my tree seat, I took that as a good sign. In between sighs and watching water and birds I will attempt to make sense of the mess in my thoughts here.

I can not stop factions of our society picking sides and fighting. It is an endless war of neither side wanting to budge. There is a vast area of middle and common ground that we all could reach for and none of us choose to do so, at least enough to matter for real long-term solutions.

On the same token, I see that a similar battle rages within the cells of my body. Masculine and Feminine halves of my bisexual self can’t agree on what healthy is and how healthy functions. It is a symptom of things both learned and genetic. And this battle too seems to be beyond my control and may kill me.

This week I learned that my grandmother also had a dysfunctional thyroid and dad never filled us in. At least until doctors finally told him his was broken and he had to take the medicine. Him, his mother and his sister all had end of life mental problems including dementia and some straight up crazy. So I’m fighting a genetic generational karmic problem. That is if you see it that way…. Perhaps my family never learned how our bodies were supposed to function, and I am the one with enough intelligence to attempt to solve it. Perhaps I will at least manage to guide my children to more success.

Yet, my problem is more than thyroid function. Immune system on high alert. Ovaries that don’t produce hormones correctly. Old needing and wanting to die, and new doing it’s best to start fresh, which is a seemingly impossible conundrum because new relies on old for reproduction.

My masculine self learned too well from my father: fat is bad- terribly horrible, and I can do nothing right. I will never be beautiful because I was born a woman with bad genetics. I let my father beat all of the negatives into my brain from a very early age, because as a baby I felt his love. I’m sure my young brain thought if I did everything he said then maybe that love would come back. Yet it never did.

My feminine self doesn’t know how to act. What is really me? What are women supposed to look like? According to my father women are supposed to look like super models, dress sexy but not too sexy- that is trashy, and never have an opinion or really matter in any way other than producing children and cleaning house.

But I want so desperately to love every ounce of myself and know that being me is okay.

Yet my masculine self protected and supported my family when we needed it. And my feminine self gave birth to two beautiful babies.

My masculine self kicks ass on the weight machines, but my Feminine self just wants a pint of ice cream and halmark movies.

My masculine self can’t imagine not going to work, simply needing something to occupy my time in a constructive sort of way, and I do like getting paid well- it’s a sign of respect of my work. My Feminine self just wants to spend time playing with my kids and enjoying life.

My masculine self wants my feminine to do it’s duty and produce kids and make a nice home. My Feminine self knows that children wreck my already-a-mess body even worse and I am perfectly happy with the two I’ve got and the home I already made.

My Feminine self wants the masculine to keep supporting and working hard, but she just wants to relax on a beach and stop stressing so much.

Feminine wants to be pretty, would love to be beautiful, but masculine says it never helped anyway- remember the boy taking advantage of you?!

My two halves can not find common ground. I literally tried to talk myself through hormones to get them in balance between male and female, and then talked through acknowledging fat as stored food.

This is an uphill battle I’m not sure I can win.

I saw Shiva and Kali facing off at odds. The stories never go well. Kali usually wins and Shiva ends up dead to be reborn as a baby.

I don’t want that story. I want my own.

In my own, I relax half the time and I work half the time. I have enough testosterone to keep fat reserves low and enough estrogen to function just as a woman’s body should. In my own story, my body is miraculously healed and I can eat normally again- slim and fit and God gets the two sides to stop fighting. In my story a normal diet plus seaweed is all I have to think about. In my story, I work because I want to, not because I need so much money every month to support a family. In my story I am done having children, I have two beautiful healthy kids and I know I don’t have to have any others. In my story, I don’t owe anyone anything. In my story I have already done enough and I get to do what I want now. In my story it’s okay to be half and half and live a healthy life. In my story, I am loved unconditionally by both genders. In my story the old died long ago and the new is finding it’s way to better living. In my story all of me is important and useful and helpful, and I am loved, honored and respected as if I was the adored old hag, but I do look like a model because I want to be visibly healthy. In my story my dome is by a stream so my seat by the tree is right outside my door. In my story I find my inner peace and maintain it mostly. In my story everyone can see my progress and health.

I am neither and I am both, yet my body is a woman. I owe no one anything, and I owe myself everything. I respect myself, I love myself, and I honor myself. I am on one of the hardest journeys that mankind has ever experienced and it matters to no one but me and God. Even if I fail, God knows I tried. Somehow there is a way to get the fighting to cease and find Life, and I sincerely hope I find it.

In case I don’t, someone please tell my kids when they are older that I really tried and I always thought they were beautiful, healthy, and super smart.

Fat is not evil, it is merely stored calories. It is the result of an overabundance of food. We just need to learn how to find a healthy balance before it is too hard to fix. Please, please teach your kids that. Fat is not sinister, it is not ugly, it is not the devil. Once there is too much, you can still fix it, but the more you accumulate the longer it takes and the harder it becomes to regain balance.

Having fat should never be a conversation of self worth.

All women are beautiful beings that give life to humanity, we are not objects to redicule, criticize, control, own, or manhandle.

Men can do great things in this world too, but must honor and respect all people or they eventually become the disrespected.

Please, I can’t stop the fighting amongst my cells or humanity, but I beg you to try and find the middle ground. Find common ground for God, for the good of our planet, for the future of our race. If the fighting doesn’t stop none of us will live much longer. God will see to it that reconciliation is met one way or another.

May you reconcile differences in yourself and your world. May you find peace in your body and your experience. May you know God wants good for us all. May you know there is a way, somehow. May you love yourself for trying.

Siva Hir Su

Another conversation with God.

I have been asking God questions, but I can’t get them out of my head to be able to clear space for the answers. So I’m going to dictate my current conversation with God to hopefully allow the space for answers to come.


Hi God: Shiva/Avalokiteshvara/Quan-Yin,

I know you love me and I know Nathan loves me. I know I don’t really need anything or anyone else. So why on Earth do I still want those other people and feel like I must keep trying so hard?

I have gotten really good at loving people that don’t return love. I’m good at loving the man I do have, and decent at showing him my love (there is always room for improvement). So why is it so damn hard to love myself as much? Why do I feel like I want another? Why do I still put others first?

I have spent a lifetime trying to please others. I let myself walk right into several situations where people said the right things, used words to get into me/my life, and took advantage of me and then left me hanging. Some hurt deep to my core and still resurface even after much emotional work. Why do they still resurface? Why is it so hard to let that go and expect others to reciprocate? Why do I still try to do everything, knowing that no-one will do any of it for me? Why can’t I believe that things will be done for me? Why can’t I believe that others will give as much as I do?

I know that I am doing so much better than a decade ago. I know I am far healthier in my daily practices than most of America. I know that I have made huge strides towards fixing my health and being healthy. So why can’t I allow full healing? I want to allow full healing. Why do I feel like that means I need to look a certain way? Why am I so stuck on others being able to see my health? Why do I need validation from others? Why does western medicine get under my skin and bother me so much, and why do I let their tests and opinions matter?

I run circles around most people. I can consume 500-700 calories and still do 5 hours of deep tissue and a full workout and just be normal tired. So why does a doctor doing blood work and writing prescriptions even matter? Why do I want my blood work to be “normal” when I know they frequently change what they think normal is? I know I don’t care about living to 90 and being bedridden on a gaggle of drugs, so why do I care that they think I need any? Why do I feel like I need to be a skinny Minney or body-builder to be considered healthy? Why do I want for my skin to shrink so badly? Why do I care?

I know that I have done far more than many people, in regards to many things. Why do I have such a hard time believing I have done all that needs to be done? Why do I feel like I must have to do more? Why can’t I believe I am enough, I have done enough? I want to, and thought I had figured it out. Why does it keep coming back?

I am carrying enough stored calories to exist for at least 60 days without consuming anything but water. Also, I stay on top of vital nutrition with all my supplements, so I know it isn’t something I am lacking. Why do I still fight cravings? Why does hunger rule my body? Why can’t I just shut it off and stop eating until the stored calories and extra skin are consumed? Why is this process so damn hard?

I want to allow. I know sometimes I feel I am without a doubt. Other times I feel good and think I am allowing, but I still have all these moments, all these triggers that say otherwise. When will I have allowed enough that my change is visible? When will I have full health, and the things I do desire? How much allowing does it take to fix these things? Again, why can’t I see and believe I have already done enough?

I know that some of this will work out in time. The rest I hope I can allow your clarity and your answers. I do love you God and I really don’t want to be a whiney doubting nag. I just want to delete the old programming and allow the new me to be fully revealed and healthy inside and out. I’m doing my best and I’m trying to believe I am enough. I am so grateful for everything you have done for me already. I thank you everyday for all the good that has already manifested, and I am ever so grateful that I am able to help others through my connection to your light. I hope to be able to continue spreading your light and blessings for many years to come. I hope those that I may have hurt forgive me, and that any damage done is healed for everyone. I love you, God, more than anything or anyone else.


May you have good conversations with God. May you allow room for the answers you need. May you find you are able to listen for those answers. May you have ample things to find gratitude over. May you have joy and love in your life. May you be able to release old limiting beliefs. May you know that others care and reciprocate your affections and acts of service. May you know God loves you and supports you. Above all, may you find love for yourself and find ways to show yourself love daily.

Siva Hir Su