Tag Archives: God’s guidance

Given clarity

When I first started using ‘Siva Hir Su’ as a ‘blessing’ and for Reiki, it was given to me by my ‘ET’ as something that would help. It was during the time that I was on-again off-again with my online love-interest chat-relationship.

It felt like relief, it felt helpful. I used it on myself, and it helped. I used it on my clients and they would feel lighter and leave more relaxed.

Having only ‘heard’ it mentally, I looked up the translation, which was difficult. I suspect it’s sanskrit and resources for translating sanskrit are not easy to use. I ended up piecing together the meaning by comparing sources of translations of both sanskrit and Hindi versions of the words.

I literally had to go word by word, and even then it was difficult because Su has multiple meanings depending on placement and conjugations.

Originally I settled with what fit and flowed best energetically.

Siva is a derivation of Shiva, but specifically in reference to the omnipresent quality, the energy of everything, all that is.

Hir and Su were harder for me.

Hir I eventually found was “quintessence” in Hindi. My most difficult experience for that word was finding a site that I could put what I thought it sounded like and get all the close spellings. It took several tries and I eventually got the aforementioned definition linked to both my spelling and the spelling ‘Heer’.

And su literally seemed to have hundreds of meanings depending on location in the sentence, conjugations, and even gender. But when I was looking at definition of the other two words, the one that seemed to fit best was “good”.

So when I assembled all of the definitions it seemed to mean “the quintessence of all that is, is good”. I thought, that’s interesting, it’s similar to “the light of god is here” which is a common christian prayer and used in Healing Touch treatments.

Regardless, every time I used it, it seemed to help a lot, and clients always walked away feeling better and noticing the difference, especially in the feel of the session.

Recently, however, spirit clarified for me.

I was reminded of Shiva’s destructive side. I was mentally shown stories of the god archetype, and reminded of how many things my father had destroyed (some before there was the ability to enjoy whatever it was, and others before there was ability to create a new better version). Essentially, I understood that ‘Siva Hir Su’ was flowing that portion of God that destroyed the old or negative. It’s not a bad thing, but like guns should be used much more descriminantly than I was when I received it originally.

It’s highest use is when there is an awareness of a negative (worry, fear, anger, blockage, tightness, tension, problem) that removal of said negative would allow for natural God force healing to correct and fill/heal the void.

So, unlike my father, I now have the sense to not destroy something that is too much for healing energy to correct quickly.

For instance, I won’t point it at my husband’s bad heart because he needs to live for his small children and the slower path to healing is better for his situation.

However, with my dad (whom has already decided that “his way or the highway” has failed and has no desire to change himself, so why not throw in the towel), it would be ideal because it would start breaking down those faulty aspects, and if he did die, it doesn’t seem like he would care with as little effort as he has put to staying alive.

So for now, I am trying to navigate the choices to aim it at it’s highest use and purpose. I still use it on clients, but specify for it to destroy the tension and whatever stress is behind it. Also, I have curbed using it on my blog for now because I realized I was putting it at the end after the blessing. I don’t want to destroy the blessing, only the negatives that I am venting about to release. So until I wrap my brain around segmenting each post so that it can just follow the negatives, I’m just avoiding it for now. Eventually, I’ll figure out my new format to reintroduce this helpful tool.

On a side note, today’s struggles from my previous post have stirred an urge to shut off my blog or start a new one. I’m also working through that and doing my best not to act for now. The air is thick and I know it is impacting me, so I’m doing my best to just pull up and do nothing else for now.

May you have gifts of healing and change given to you by God. May you understand fully how to use them properly. May they benefit you as much as anyone you use them on. May you find all the healing you seek. May you have good health and positive vibes in your life. Live long and prosper.

Om Shanti

Another Dream Message

I just woke from this weird dream and knew it was another one of my psychic dream messages. It’s been awhile, so even though I’m confused, I’m a bit excited too. So I’m going to do my best to write a coherent blog post at 8am having just woke up.

Background:

This week I switched to another office because the other massage therapist had essentially forfeited her claim to it. It was the office where the chiropractor was able to install the ceiling bar for my need to walk/stand on people, after having hurt my shoulder mildly. I’ve used the office a few times because of the bar, but I’m still not used to it. Every room had pros and cons and I’m just still getting used to the mix that this room has. I’m not entirely comfortable with it just yet. Because of that I’m probably feeling a bit off, and that was definitely either a contributing factor to this dream, or the cue that this message is imminent. In the dream not only was it situated in the new room, but there was a ‘double-booked’ glitch, something that would be a slim to none possibility in my real world experience.

The other factor of this dream seems to be my 3 people, love interests, that have been running in my thoughts for a long while now, but which I had totally given up on. If you’re a regular reader you already know. For those that don’t, the shortest version is: 1- the online person (supposedly Indian immigrant) I fell in love with because I could feel their responses and emotions; 2- a second person they are connected to, either significant other or sibling, whom I also could feel to a lesser degree; 3- another man I could also feel. I gave up on all 3 of them completely, but this dream seems to have nudged me to contemplate them again. In the dream they looked different than previous dreams, so I’m not sure what that means. The man was still same gender and ethnicity, but looked way different. Also in this dream the other two were Asian, but not from India. It leaves me scratching my head a bit. I’m not sure how to interpret that except that maybe God is going to send me those substitutes that I said I was willing to take.

So now the dream:

I looked at my schedule and saw two appointments. I took a guess and went to retrieve the one I thought would show up first, a man. As I walked him back I explained there was a scheduling error and asked him if he had longer that he could wait if I needed to adjust. He said “No, I’ve only got until 8:30 I have to get to work”. I said okay I’ll try and make sure you’re first. As I opened the door to my room, there was already two people in the room and the woman had already gotten on the table between the sheets. I apologized to the man and said please wait a few minutes, and I’ll try to figure out a solution.

I went into the room and started to ask questions, trying to figure out if I could have them wait and use my old room for the man in the hall. The woman spoke very little English, so the man sitting with her would either translate, or just answer for her. She was pregnant and having sciatic pain (super common). As I asked questions about pregnancy and pain details I began to poke at her piraformis muscle (middle of butt cheek). He told me she was 3rd trimester and the pain had come and gone, but this week it was severe. Again that is very common so I proceeded to work the muscles as usual and was thinking about what to do with the man standing in the hall. Suddenly the woman started writhing and grunting and I tried to get her to stretch out on her side. Instead she balled up into fetal position.

I knew she was having a contraction, but that doesn’t necessarily mean full labor had started. I asked the man sitting with her, about birth plans. Then I called the man in from the hall and told him I needed his help. I had him notify the front desk, had him call 911, and then I had him call my midwife. I asked my midwife if she was close or if she could walk me through things over the phone until paramedics could accommodate their original plan. I started directing people to fetch things and do things. I promised the double-booked man that if he could stay and help I’d give him a free massage later and make it very much worth his while. I promised that he wouldn’t regret it, and I understood if he needed a minute to call his work.

That’s when I woke up.

Needless to say I know God gave me another message, but now I’m extra confused. Can’t help but feel excited though.

May you understand your messages from God. May you know you are on the right track. May you know just what to do in sticky situations. May you feel the calm knowing of being able to handle emergencies. May you know you have your proverbial shit together. May you know God loves and supports you. May you know everything will be alright.

Siva Hir Su

Work in progress.

I am a work in progress, but aren’t we all.

However, this week has been challenging to see any such progress.

I didn’t get a chance to do any InkTober drawings after the 5th, and even that one didn’t get finished on the 5th. I didn’t get all my exercise in. I didn’t get my salt bath last night. My arms and hands hurt, and frankly a lot of my body hurt, that is why I failed to exercise. I was tired all week, and the fatigue was so intense that two days it caused a drop in mood as well.

I did ask for help. I received acupuncture twice and an adjustment today. My husband worked on me despite having a million other things on his to-do list. I used mechanical tools to work on myself and rested more than usual. I also managed to stay very clean on food choices, especially since I know this mess started because of food fails.

Instead of continuing my 7 day a week work journey, I cleared Sunday. I also cleared part of my Tuesdays to have a few extra hours to myself.

Mondays I’m now functional as office staff for the clinic, and this week it was a good thing because I almost ended up alone. The front desk person was in a nasty car accident over the weekend and the friend/office manager wasn’t really at full capacity from chemo. But the two of us managed to get through the day with a minimum of difficulty.

Saturdays are still split between the clinic and the independent living building. The rest of the week is all massage. Regardless of where or when, I continue to do my best to spread love and healing with all my activities and interactions.

It’s a lot, but I want to help, for God and for good, so I do. I know it could be worse because my past has had worse if both extremes (too much and too little). I’d rather keep doing what I’m doing than risk too little again.

Autumn is now out of the hospital and Nathan has been helping her with several things during the day. She is more ambulatory now than we were originally concerned about, and KU Med was finally able to get the MRSA infection under control. She will now receive a weekly infusion treatment of an experimental drug which so far seems to be doing the job nicely. Her thumb was the last surgery done, and she was worked on by skilled plastic surgeons, so instead of loosing the thumb, it’s now just a fraction of an inch shorter and more slender than her other hand, but infection free.

She has many challenges, but amidst the chaos of the medical predicament, her wife has agreed to mariage counseling. So, their divorce which was sidelined by the medical situation continues to be in forbearance. She is unsure of moving forward, so she’ll stay with us at least short term to figure out post hospital treatments and what might happen with her wife.

I told Nathan that I simply wanted to help and if we see her through all the way, it’s great, but if we merely get her started that is okay too. God knows what is best for both her and our desire to help.

Some days I wonder what I’m doing, and why I keep pushing. Others I simply know exactly why.

My feminine half wants to slow down, and my masculine half knows I can’t, at least not yet. I must keep going a little while longer.

My masculine half wants to finally heal and be the slender Venus I desire. My feminine half knows I may never fix it and need to quit being so damn hard on myself.

My masculine half needs to strive to be better, do more, be stronger, be healthier, push and push, to try and make up for all the times I wasn’t good enough. My feminine half knows that sometimes we’re not able to do or be something because it’s simply not our job, not our responsibility. You can’t fix everything, that is why we need to look to God and allow the divine forces to do things for you.

But the I wasn’t raised that way, my parents rarely trusted God, and usually it was my mom demonstrating all the trust in divine will. So I keep trying and weeks like this feel insurmountable. I want to trust, but when I’m so damn tried and achy it’s awfully hard to do so.

I see Autumn as a beautiful woman that has been horribly battered and beaten by life, and she needs to find her inner self and love and trust to be able to truly heal.

Saying those words I also see myself.

Yet, I know I have felt my inner being. I’ve heard my inner being. I know what that means. I love my inner being, and when I look at all the things I’ve lived through and overcome I do love myself.

I love how much I’ve strived to improve myself, not just for me, but for my whole family. I love that I never gave up, when many times I wanted to. I love that I fought depression and despite it nearly winning dozens of times, it never actually did. Despite two decades of a depression ridden brain telling me I’d be better off dead, I have managed to live and find at least some healing.

At this point I feel like the exhausted sprinter that took third place. I feel like I could have and should have done better, but I made it far enough that I do deserve some kind of prize. Right now I just don’t know what that means, but I’m trying not to fall over before I get to find out.

I have one client left for the day, one of my house calls that I’m very tempted to not reschedule with. I definitely have trouble saying NO, especially when something helps me keep up with the never-ending snowball of finances, so off I go for one more hour.

May you see your inner beauty and trust yourself enough for healing. May you find a way to show love even when others choose not to see it. May you know your efforts matter in just the way God intends. May you find ways to help others around you even when you might need help yourself. May you find ways to take care of yourself and keep yourself functional to be able to keep doing more. May you put yourself first just enough to matter and show yourself some love. May you know that in the end it will all somehow be worth it. May you know God loves and supports you.

Siva Hir Su

InkTober 5th: blade; micron pigma pen on Strathmore cold press watercolor paper, approximately 4″ x 4″