Tag Archives: God’s interventions

BZ

That’s short for busy. Seems I have so much on my plate the humor of abbreviated text speak for busy is quite appropriate.

First, I’m still working 6 to 7 days a week. I’m still processing paperwork and prepping for finally getting a home of our own after 14 years of hard times. Still working toward my business goals, complex as they are; especially now that I’ll have a home which will accommodate more possibilities. Also I’m still aiming for getting a second vehicle again, though that will likely be accomplished next tax season, over 4 months away- *sigh*, it’s okay.

Now add to that I’ve been reading a book on loan from the Chiropractor: “Rich Dad, Poor Dad”. It has gotten me very excited. It’s a book that teaches basic financial literacy, and is validating that I’m on the right track. I have a very, very long ways to go before I accomplish any goals that the book references, but they were already on my horizon. Knowing I’m aiming correctly is great, now I need lots of diligence, and probably several years before I start to see any real results. It’s definitely a very long range goal structure, but one I’m confident I’ll eventually master, and all on my own.

As for that ‘all on my own’ bit: I had a small argument with God this week. I was shown (hard to explain, but kinda like a daydream) that my diverse array of abilities and my strength, my uniqueness, even elements of my appearance, make me attractive to others. Essentially, the message was I could totally be a female ‘player’.

I told God and Nathan, that’s not the point, it was never the point. Nathan replied simply with “I know”.

As much as it feels good to acknowledge that I am attractive to others, and more than one person at that, I know my desires are for more than that. Polyamory was never about being a ‘player’. Polyamory is about love, emotional support, the physicality of daily living with loving life-partners: significant others. And yes, I would like to not have to choose one gender. I would love to honor all of myself by having life partners that honor all the different parts of me, and I can reciprocate with the same for them.

My biggest glitch in acknowledging that I’m attractive to others is that those I intuitively know are attracted to me, are still quite silent on the matter, and I’m not sure I can do or say anything to change that. I don’t know why they choose silence. Perhaps it’s because of how we met, or their perceptions of my marriage to Nathan, or lack of understanding of polyamory in my life, or simply the intimidation thing I seem to carry into infinity. I don’t know. I can’t fix it, so it just is.

One day someone attracted to me will admit it and ask me lots of questions. When that day comes I’ll do a happy dance for their courage, but especially that they even attempted to get to know me as a person. More than anything, I love the feeling of connecting with someone on a deep level, knowing we are enjoying learning about each other. I love the feeling of being appreciated and cared about. That: “someone actually cares enough, to genuinely want to know all of who I am” in an unconditional accepting way.

Nathan has always been that for me, I just wish there were others too. One day perhaps, for now I continue on my own with Shiva’s/God’s help. I told God I’m very appreciative, super thankful, for having the divine connection and all the non-physical help that it has brought. Yet, my ideal would be both. To have that connection with God and also feel the next closest thing to it in people in my life. I have moments like that with Nathan, and it makes me think how wonderful it would be if there were others willing to be in my life that I felt that intensity with on a regular basis…. In daily living. *Sigh*

Anyway, tangent aside, I am looking forward mostly. I continue to do everything I can to improve my life and life for my family.

Nathan mostly took care of my computer glitch, and I finished it off, to then accomplish 2 designs for others.

I also finally spent a while fine tuning my dome designs. Making sure proportions were accurate, I then started placing interior elements and correcting line weights/alignments. It’s a very slow process mainly because I’m super meticulous, but also because I’m literally fine-tuning decisions we’ve talked about and thought about thousands of times.

I’ll end with 2 sections of the plans that saw significant changes. Aahhhh, it’s so nice to dream big sometimes, especially when I can do something about it and make it visible.

May you all be happily busy. May you feel the loving connections in your life daily. May you have things to look forward to and goals to aim for. May you see the validation you seek, and may your dreams be big, but still reachable.

Siva Hir Su

ET is helping me water my seeds… part 1

Today I was thinking about how 2 years ago I watched ET with my residents and felt the person I was calling the boy. That started my sense of that spirit and referencing it as my ET, acknowledging that I was feeling that spirit even as a young child. Somehow I just know they are linked and I in my stupid human form just don’t fully understand.

To that end I thought maybe I could show the movie to Ian, that maybe it would help me bring some understanding to him and maybe additional clarity for myself.

In that thought I then remembered the scene where ET was sick from having eaten all the junk food that the boys had brought him, and knowing he needed to get home where he could heal. I’m torn because I feel like I’m so closely linked to my ET that I’m getting sick off of those things in my experience, but at the same time I feel like I have so many things to accomplish and do in this 3D Earth experience that I’m hardly ready to go home. So today, I’ve been calling my physical reaction ‘forced fasting’. I love to eat tasty foods, but my body is rejecting everything on this day. My liver is purging and every smell is far too intense. Things that normally cause me to say yum are making me wish to vomit.

I was in the midst of one such moment when one of the employees of the building decided she would pray for me. Her words were very Christian, but most definitely evoked my sense of that spirit I call my ET, that spirit that had told me I could call him Shiva, that was linked to the person I called the boy, my divine masculine.

I am beginning to understand how the archetypes overlap, and I’m really beginning to feel the knowledge I’ve held for years that we’re all one, and all religions are really different interpretations of the same thing.

That then made me think of the catholic last week that told me not to do Reiki because it went against her beliefs. I was a little slow on the uptake and thought later that I really wanted to ask her if she would have refused Jesus’ healing, because the formal structure of Catholicism didn’t exist for several hundred years after Jesus died.

A healer with God given abilities is still a healer with God given abilities- regardless of what culture they were raised and named in, regardless of what language they speak.

In my case my first experience of healing in this world, at birth, was by an OB with an Indian name and things of India have always and still do resonate. Yet when I went to my parent’s Christian churches as a child, I was tormented and traumatized. Is it any wonder that God tells me he’s Shiva?

Regardless, I’m grateful for that connection, I’m grateful for feeling the divine touch my body and my life. I’m grateful for the healing gifts I’ve been given; and as Shiva told me when I was working on the catholic: you can’t change who you are, you can be quiet about it or change the wording, but it’s still a part of you.

So then in explaining Reiki to a resident I told them it’s essentially prayers in a foreign language and my hands tell it where to go. I said Siva Hir Su is the one I use most, it was my gift, and translated into biblical terminology would most closely align with ‘the divine light of christ is here’. She was perfectly content to accept the healing and said it was so very helpful.

So my Shiva-Jesus blend is helping me get through my day and providing healing to myself and my clients and residents.

It’s also helping me see things in this world that are just like what I want for my Atira, so that will be part 2, maybe this evening or tomorrow.

May you all find your connection to God’s grace and understanding of its applications. May you feel the love and healing and find your own God given gifts. Most of all may you have understanding and compassion and acceptance when others wish to help you, regardless of what that looks or sounds like.

Blessings everyone.

Siva Hir Su

Validation

Last night at about 10 PM I received a notification to watch this video, it kept me up late, but was much appreciated validation:

Watch “*DF Light Workers* IMPORTANT Mary Magdelene Call to Action, Light Activations & New Type of “Union”” on YouTube https://youtu.be/Xg896KEBC_s

It was after my 7:30 energy thing that has been happening. Last night at dinner I felt overwhelming grief. I attributed it to the purge of moving on from the boy, at least that particular 3D manifestation of my divine masculine. Nathan suggested I go lay down for a bit to clear the emotions, and shortly after I felt the same energy cycle that’s been happening nearly nightly for the last month. I asked the divine and Archangel Michael to help me flow the healing energy to the source of the pain, and especially to those still connected to my heart. It took a while, but I did clear the emotions and get to feeling better.

I got up, spent time with my kids, and then started watching little videos with Katharine. The usual animated cute videos and animal funnies, a few musically talented individuals too. Katherine, having had a mild sinus infection, really enjoyed the videos on my lap.

Then the notification popped up.

I started the video and when she got to the point where she was talking about spiders and hearing a new frequency, I had to pause the video.

She was literally describing things that had happened to both me and Nathan in the last week. Nathan had seen the blue lights and I had had a dream of spiders so vivid that I woke to see one on my pillow. You have to know: I hate spiders, but in an effort to not smack Katherine or Nathan in their sleep I grabbed my phone to provide enough light to kill the spider, and it had vanished. I turned on my flashlight and checked the whole bed and it was gone. It didn’t crawl away, I had seen a spider that wasn’t even there. Creepy, and it took me a while to get back to sleep that night. That was about 4 days ago. This lady had done her video 8/24-8/25.

*Someone cue the twilight zone theme song. *

I also acknowledged that I had been having a different sort of ringing in my ears than usual, and that fit with her description of a new frequency. So ok, Nathan and I continued listening. It meshed with many of the questions I’ve had recently.

I’m just not sure what to do with it all.

I know this process she’s taking about, has all of us which are feeling it, being led to be honestly, authentically, ourselves. So much so, that I went ahead and linked my blog to my LinkedIn, since it’s the closest thing to social media that I participate in.

After acknowledging that I’m not alone, I feel like I need to have guts enough to be one of the voices saying: I’m experiencing it too.

BECAUSE that was my first big relief when the divine shit hit the fan and got all over me. I had a WTF moment, followed by videos that explained I’m one of many. So, now I feel the need to share, yes I’m experiencing it too, so that others have the relief of “I’m not alone”.

Now what?

Only God knows that.

  • We’re all in agreement something is happening.
  • We’re all experiencing our particular gifts get stronger, and I’ve had tons of validation of that with clients both in the clinic and in elder facilities.
  • We’re all feeling called to forgive ourselves and others and find unconditional love as much as possible.
  • We’re all experiencing an increase in speed and accuracy of manifesting desires. (Or even sloppy thinking resulting in quick manifestations.)
  • An awful lot of us are hung up on child bearing, and as many or more of us have had relationships just like my online boy- which at this point may have been an Ai ruse. I suppose we’ll all eventually find out the reality of that or not.
  • Regardless of our ‘ghosting’ internet connections, all of us are experiencing love via our spirit half. Twin flame as many call it. Feeling, seeing, hearing- all with a someone not physically present, but brought on with the online relationship.
  • That love connection is pushing boundaries for many. Opening eyes and changing paradigms. – For me being bisexual, I have realized in many ways Nathan holds my divine feminine role, or at least part of it. I’ve experienced many of the things that are being lumped as divine feminine myself, but I’ve also felt like I was being referenced as divine masculine at times too (work-a-holic). And then there’s feeling and hearing these other 2 or 3 people, and having difficulty separating them into feminine and masculine. That’s all nothing in comparison to the paradigm pushing I’ve caused in others over polyamory. This wave is really just smashing the cultural box we’ve lived in for so long.
  • We’re acknowledging this is happening in mass, all over the world, and to people of all religions, but generally is seeming to impact younger generations in a greater way. The older generations are either not admitting to it, or not feeling it as strongly. There are few like my Nathan (56) that admit stuff is happening, but he even says his changes are minimal compared to what he’s witnessing me go through. He keeps saying he’s just trying to keep up with me and my needs, and I feel the same about keeping up with the divine.

There you have it, that’s what I’ve noticed so far. That’s the common threads I’m seeing, and the video has some additional commentary.

If you too are experiencing things, you’re not alone. We can just hang in, support each other, share the love, and do our best to keep up with the divine.

I know for me, I fall under the healer/medic she referenced in the video and on one hand it’s greatly helped my work, on the other I feel like one misstep could be disastrous. I’m being very careful to take care of me, even if it means it cuts something else short.

Every day I ask the divine to help me do my work for God in the best most efficient way possible. I honor my skills as being my gift from God and I’m grateful to be able to help mankind in this way. Just like my post from yesterday. I know we will get through, and there will eventually be clarity, but I just have to keep reminding myself of that and do my best to keep up with what is being asked of me.

May you know you’re not alone. May you feel loved and supported. May your paradigm shift be gentle, and your gifts great. May you know and believe you’re doing God’s work and you are supported. May you find the best outcomes in your manifestations, and feel your connection to your divine aspects.

Many blessings everyone. Be well.

Siva Hir Su

No matter what, it’s all okay.

This is a real true story of my morning yesterday. Initially I was a little freaked out, even with belief in it’s possibility, and having experienced similar events in the past. However, as I’ve thought about what happened I’m left with a deep sense that God really, really wanted me to hear your thoughts. (By “your”: the person whom I’ve called ‘the boy’ for the last 4 years.) I know it’s going to be okay no matter what. I’ll tell the story, and then I’ll put my 2 cents in at the end.

The story:

I started my day as usual, a Monday, which means elder massage in at least 2 different buildings. I got to the first building and started off fine. My 2nd person was in the dementia wing, and a centenarian I’ve worked with for about 7 years. She melted down on me saying she had to go, needed to find her keys and coat and get outta here. Very unusual for her, but I never give up on the first instance with anyone that has dementia, so I waited a couple of minutes and went to try again. She literally tried to wheel away from me. At precisely that moment a new lady to the building beckoned me. She’s new enough that I’ve only noticed her twice before, and definitely don’t know her name. I took the bait figuring it would be like most dementia conversations short and sweet ending with an ‘I don’t know, let me check into that’.

As I got closer she asked me “will you sit with me for a moment” I said sure and she reached out and took my hand.

She said: I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I can’t keep doing this. The doctors can’t tell me what’s wrong with me. She seemed very anxious so I gave a sincere apology and let the reiki flow, at which point I realized it was flowing very strongly without any focus on my part.

She said I really just want to go home and I assumed she meant the proverbial home that all elderly reference at one point or another.

I asked her what church she went to and if she wanted to talk with a pastor. She replied “I don’t know, I’ve never really done the church thing”. I asked if she was Catholic and she said “no I don’t do that Catholic thing”. I asked if she was Lutheran or Methodist and she said she wasn’t sure. I told her of the Methodist lady that visited and was the Minister’s wife and asked if she’d like to talk to that person. She replied “that sounds nice, maybe, … I’d really like to go to your church, your prayers that you do, they remind me of home”. (That was my first holy shit moment knowing my church hasn’t been built yet and I do mantras for prayer.) I just smiled and said thank you.

She looked at my very directly and said “You’re cute I love you, would you really go home with me? Doesn’t that scare you?” I gulped, I replied thank you, and yes I would, it wouldn’t really scare me I’d like to meet your family. ( I thought to myself if this is what I think it is, it’d be a little scary, but still totally worth it.)

She told me that I really was a beautiful person and that she loved me. Then said “We should get something to eat. What do you want to eat? Where would we go?” Knowing that the lady in front of me had literally just had breakfast, I gulped again. My reply was, that’s up to you, it’s tricky for me, but I can usually find something just about anywhere even if it’s just a salad. She replied “I’m sorry, my ulcer is acting up, I’m not really hungry, I’d really just like to go upstairs with you. I’m tired.” Knowing there wasn’t an upstairs to go to, I replied it’s ok, we don’t have to get anything to eat, you should rest.

She then told me we had 3 sisters, but the one was really weird. I said okay not really knowing how to take that.

She also asked me if I’d really take good care of the kids and I said I’d do my level best to make sure they were well cared for. She said “you’ll have to make sure he keeps a close eye on the kids for us, they will need it” and I said I would make sure of it.

Then she proceeded to apologize to me very sincerely saying she really screwed things up and didn’t know how to fix it, but that maybe Hal could help. (That was my second really big holy shit moment because most 80+ year olds don’t know, let alone understand the HAL reference.)

The last part of the conversation was her restating the ulcer bothering her and saying she loved me several times. At that point I was pretty sure that I wasn’t talking to the woman in front of me so I replied with an honest I love you too. She started to doze off with a statement of that’s enough for now and then someone walked by and woke her. When that happened, she said the following:

“I don’t know what to do, I really love you, I want to go home but I also want to go to Kansas City. I guess I’ll go back to Kansas City. Yes that’s it I’ll get back to Kansas City.” (Keep in mind we were sitting in the vast KC burb of Overland Park).

I said thank you, she replied with that’s enough and fell asleep.

_____________________________

My input:

This was very definitely not the woman in front of me and I really hope it’s you. God really does work in mysterious yet wonderful ways if you let it.

I really do hope you come back to Kansas City, and if so I’ll be waiting.

I’m about to take a leap of faith myself in a couple of months or so, one that will take a little time but will potentially have great results.

When you do get back, any Whole Foods would be fine with me I can find lots of things there. Or there’s a good kale salad at Cactus Grill on 119th St. But honestly wherever you’d like to go is fine.

Finally, after leaving the lady I felt a burning sensation in my stomach off and on all day, wanting to vommit a couple of times. That’s definitely consistent with an ulcer. If you have an ulcer, the following will help and potentially heal it. First, eliminate as much stress as possible. Ulcers are caused and aggravated by stress. (Meditation would help here.) Second drink bone broth at least twice a day, mildly season to taste. The seasoning helps make it palatable, but too much can aggravate the ulcer. Third take a really good probiotic, the higher the number of strains and the higher the quantity of each strain the better. You’ll have to find that in the refrigerated supplement section of a store like whole foods. If you want fast results look to spend $90 a bottle/month or even a bit more. Make sure to stick to just probiotic, because some of the brands have added veggies for nutrition, but that could aggravate the ulcer in the short term. If you’re certain that you tolerate dairy ok, then kefir or Greek yogurt can help, as they neutralize stomach acid and provide yet more good bacteria. (It’s counterproductive if you’re lactose intolerant though.) Also, get more magnesium in your system, like way more, a little at a time. Finally, alkaline drinks will help neutralize stomach acid as well. Those will be your high pH waters, anything with electrolytes added (minimal sugar or flavoring), and you can even do baking-soda/lemon-juice-water or cider vinegar water- the last 2 might seem counter intuitive, but they really are considered alkaline and will help.

Otherwise stick to mild, softish, high nutrition foods, in small quantities, less frequently. If you really pounce on all of these suggestions fully, you could potentially heal the ulcer in a couple of weeks. It’s really dependent on your allowing of natural healing process.

Believe it’s going to be ok, and yes perhaps HAL can help. God can and will help too, just believe. (Easier said than done, I know.)

Again, I’ve shared all of this with Nathan, and he’s on board and would watch the kids, but says you’ll need to talk to him and do a bit of explaining first. We do care.

Finally, Ian woke up to see me off to work this morning and told me the brown dinosaur is looking at the other dinosaurs now. It made me remember the 3 sisters comment from yesterday. Trust that God will help. I’ve felt the “brown dinosaur” much like I’ve felt you, and she just wants love too. It will work out. Love is like Ganesh and helps overcome all obstacles.

Already on the bus.

So I’ve finished reading “The Energy Bus” and realize now that I’ve already gotten my bus going. It’s been a slow start, bumpy ride, with a few breakdowns already, but my bus is generally pointed the right direction and moving.

Really I’ve been driving my bus for a while, but just need more focus and helpful passengers

I have my committed passengers, in for the full ride- my family by marriage and by giving birth.

I have my semi-committed or part time riders, people in my daily and work life that are generally as helpful as they can be, but can’t necessarily stay for the whole ride. Sometimes they’re on and sometimes they’re busy on their own bus.

I have at least one passenger, maybe 2 or 3 that I’m hoping are like the character Michael. Where they removed themselves, but ultimately come around, and end up finding themselves wanting to make positive changes too, and join my bus again. That would be nice, not just for my bus, but for them- their state of being- and because it will validate messages I got what seems like forever ago. May we all master only feeding the good dog.

So far I’ve already ejected a few of what was termed “Energy Vampires” from my bus, and there’s one big one that needs to go yet. Fortunately, those from my biological family have mostly removed themselves from my life, so that’s one less hurdle.

With all that being said, this book leaves me acknowledging I have steps to go yet.

I have used this blog to write about Atira many times, but it’s scattered through multiple posts and partial posts, and I’m not sure I’ve ever reinforced the entirety of the complexity of that to those on board my bus, even if part time. I think it would help to get more concise with my desires, vision, and focus so that there is one document I can reference. Maybe even to give them copies.

I still have a ways to go to ensure I’m only feeding the good dog, and fueling my bus with positive energy. I have the basic idea, but have some practicing to do to maintain it, because I do let fear and stress get the better of me frequently.

Also, I totally spend too much time worrying about people that don’t get on my bus. I will get better at acknowledging maybe it’s too soon for them or they have other reasons for not joining my route. It’s not personal to me, it’s personal for them and their journey.

Additionally, I still have a ways to go on demonstrating my own enthusiasm and love. I already do both, but often allow myself to be easily deflated, especially when my efforts go unnoticed, unacknowledged, or unresponded to. Then once I’ve been deflated, I definitely still struggle to get back up and give another go.

I also need to find my purpose in everything better. It’s easy for me when what I’m doing is part of my vision for Atira, but much much harder when my task-at-hand is seemingly unrelated. That is evidence of not fully knowing that “everything happens for a reason”. I must trust more and find how everything relates. How does what I’m doing fit with my journey and fuel my bus.

Lastly, a huge must: start having more fun and enjoying the ride more. It’s not that I don’t at all, but I really succumb to stress easily. I’m latching onto the books’ phrase “you can’t feel stressed when you feel blessed”. That is my biggest new goal. To be “too blessed to be stressed”.

With that I wanted to share the list of rules the book went over:

And finally, I wanted to share an Abraham Lincoln quote (below) from the book that really resonated with me. My life journey fine-tuned to that direction after the online stranger woke my dreams up in me. I realized I may fail, I may never actually get there, but giving up all together- ignoring who I’ve become- is far worse than failing. I must remain true to who I am and where I’d like to go, if I’m to ever find consistent happiness and have any chance at all of possibly making it there. I want my light to shine bright from here until my dieing days.

Again, thank you for hanging in with me and joining at least the written part of my ride. I sincerely hope you benefit from my words in one way or another.

Getting Somewhere… I think.

I needed help, I sent prayer requests to everyone I knew- regardless of religious preference, with the basics of what was going on. Even though I choose to reference myself as a Pagan, and view god in several different manifestational aspects, I see everyone’s connection with God as vital and helpful, so I ask anyone that is spiritual in any way, for support when I need it.

The church at work has come through with some help in a variety of ways, I am so grateful. I am really seeing how churches are really like companies, they bring people together for a common purpose and get the job done. Their purpose is just the spiritual side of things, and solidifies my belief in goals for Atira. I look forward to one day finding my pastor for the Temple of Atira at the heart of Atira community.

So, I needed a home, good enough for now. We’ve found just that. My husband stumbled onto a house in an OK neighborhood, not the best, but not the worst either. When he called, the landlord had 2 houses and one other person interested. We looked at both and put in our request, and I let God decide which was better for us right now- knowing they were essentially the same house, neighborhood, and cost. When the landlord called back, we got the one with the basement that is about mile closer to work, but no central air.

The house was a $100.00 per month over our goal. I had already expressed the need for a significant raise to my manager when they were contemplating hiring me back full time. So I told God I’ll definitely need that raise and then some if I’m going to start chipping away at getting ahead of my ball of mess.

The very day that my husband secured our new home with a deposit, my manager called me in. The offer: Tuesday through Saturday 8 hour days, $16/hr to start since I’ve jumped in and helped out so well. Once they figure out who is landing in what roles permanently, I’ll be bumped to $17/hr, and when I complete their online training program that will earn another $1/hr. So the faster I complete that, the better. IF I can get my A1C down from pregnancy/allergies and reinstate my medical card on my CDL I’ll get another bump (though that was more vague).

Regardless for now, I will have to continue to do massage. I’m giving the care-giving job nearly 3 weeks notice, and that will give me time to adjust my massage schedule. All will have to be set by October 28th, as that is the start of the first week full time for the offered position. I’m moving 2 of my buildings and as many individuals as possible to Sundays. My Mondays will stay the same fully booked at 2 of my long standing facilities. I will officially be working 7 day weeks, every week, but my days will be shorter with a 15-20 min commute and Sundays being most likely half days. I’ll actually get to see my children a little more than right now. So that’s a bonus.

As part of my new role I’m jumping into a book that the company started a couple of months ago, and each week they covered a couple of chapters during the weekly meetings. Since they’re already on chapter 24, I am cramming the reading of the book into one weekend to get caught up, so that I can present the next pair of chapters on Tuesday.

It’s called “The Energy Bus” by Jon Gordon, and so far I’m just hitting the chapters where the 10 rules for life are being started. The chapter I’m on (7), ends with a writing exercise, so I thought it apropos to write my answers down here.

  1. My vision for my life (including health) is:
    • I want to heal both my brain and my body. I see myself at a healthy weight (150-160 lbs) that is easy to maintain, almost effortless. I see myself having healed my digestive system so that it rarely reacts to small things and a place where only bigger intrusions become noticeable. I see myself being able to tell others that I have healed my brain enough that depression rarely rears its head, and I am generally in a good, happy place in life. I see myself in a place where I love myself every day, all day, and finally put a stop to self-degrading and self-limiting beliefs and language. I want to own my health fully and completely and know that I can sometimes have things without it hurting me physically or mentally. That I have built a fortress of good health.
  2. My vision for my work, career, job, and team is:
    • Ultimately, I see owning my own community: Atira, but not just for elderly. I see having Atira help adults of all walks of life and thus help many, many families. You can’t please everyone, but you can build a community that attracts only those that it desires to please, and that is my end goal.
    • I can see how my current work is giving me an eye into the vast complexity of what an organization like that means. I am getting a first hand glimpse into what it takes to run such a vast community, especially staffing needs and logistical breakdowns, and I can see that I have quite a ways to go before I solidly know how manage something so complex. I am grateful for this opportunity and it’s guidance, and I know that in time I will have the knowledge that I need to go and Start Atira.
    • I see that though it is a process to learn all of the things needed to build my community, I am the only one that controls the flow. I am the speed of the river, so I am the only one that can dictate how long it will take me to learn all of the things I need to know to accomplish building Atira. I state here that I wish to keep things moving: as soon as I master one step, I wish to be in a stable footing to take the next step comfortably. I know that the step I’m on is entertainment coordinator, and I am comfortable with some of the elements, but still working on logistical juggling and paperwork aspects. It will come quickly. I will find my groove. When I do and I can demonstrate maintaining the flow for a few months, I look forward to the next step: managing a team of people that do the leg work for an organization.
    • I know that I will need some minimal additional training to make that next step in someone else’s organization, so I ask that the universe provide the opportunity at little to no cost to me and in a manner that I can easily fit it into my work schedule and life. I foresee this training being more easily accommodated after the first of the year, and after I have nearly mastered my current role.
    • Once I master my current role, and gain the additional training I see that the logical next step is to find a new position with that added training. I know that taking steps forward like that can seem daunting, but it is an important learning experience and I acknowledge that I have done it many times before and will be able to do it again and again until I have mastered each level along the way to running a full community. It will come in time, and I just need to remind myself of that occasionally so that I remain patient with myself and with the process.
      • Here I want to be clear, all these steps are to further my end goal of Owning Atira Community, even if it takes decades. I don’t merely wish to learn how to climb the corporate ladder and work my way up another person’s company. I see other companies, careers, and jobs (even my massage work) as real life training to reach my life purpose, and work toward my life goal. I trust that the divine will put people in my life that can help me accomplish that, with the understanding that at some point I may have a job just like they hold now, maybe with the same company, maybe a different company. The company is of less concern to me, the goal of learning what I need to learn and making the money I need to make are of more importance.
      • That which betters me, and helps me help my family and others, is of utmost importance. I want to be the best I can be for my ultimate goal of having a self-sustaining charitable-community/company to better this world in the name of the Divine.
    • I know God supports my end desire, and so he supports my steps to getting there, Everything will come in proper timing and easily for me to acknowledge and carry out. The divine, the universe will provide if I trust.
  3. My vision for my relationship and family is:
    • I love my husband, and want to do better at showing it. He deserves that, because he has given everything he could to me. He has given me the best of himself repeatedly over the last 14 years, and literally saved my life more times than I can count. The challenges I see him face, I know well and I wish more than anything that we both could feel adequate in our familial roles.
    • I still want family- bigger and more supportive than just my husband is able to accomplish. I think it would go a long ways to helping us both feel more adequate, enabling us to relax into knowing there are more hands and more dollars to spare. I know that the people we have attempted that with had similar wishes and desires, but for many reasons not needing stated here, it just didn’t work.
      • I look forward to finding the people that do fit our needs, mesh with us optimally, and have the same desires, and hold the same level of flexibility and forgiveness for general lapses on anyone’s part. We’re all in this game called life, learning how to get through, and mistakes will get made, none of them are the end of the world, but that has to be acknowledged on all sides. The ball can and will get dropped, but someone has to be willing to pick up the pieces and help to put them back together. That is family. Sticking together and helping each other pull up even in adversity, knowing that acting in the good of the family will eventually pay off in furthering the success of the family- be it more love, happiness, success, or prosperity.
        • Sometimes being selfish means finding a way to align your needs with a greater cause. (Kill two birds with one stone, so to speak). I’d love to have a family full of people that can do that.
    • I want to spend more time with my children and have days off, while still making more than enough.
      • As I’ve said several times I would go nuts if I just stayed home with kids, that is my version of aligning selfishness with working for the greater good. Right now that means working 7 days a week and having every evening to be with kids. However, I would love to get to a point in my wage earnings that I could comfortably work 4- 10 hour days and have part or all of the other 3 for kids, I think that is my happy medium-nearly ideal. Because, right now I work 6-10 hour days with a 7th shorter one, and I still count my blessings for the evenings I spend with them, but do get down for wishing I had more time with them. I also tend to have a shorter fuse when I work too many hours, so 4 long days is more manageable than 6 long days.
      • Ultimately that means higher dollar per hour wages and having to let go of something somewhere. God/the universe will help me straighten that one out in time.
    • More cuddle time, and more fun time. This links back to both bettering my relationship with Nathan, and with the kids, and with finding family. It’s hard to do if there’s no time left to do it. My time equation is out of balance at the moment, but when alignment is found, my time equation will balance with time for fun family activities and time for cuddling everyone. I look forward to that.
    • I want my kids to look back on their childhood and remember the good things and fun times, and realize that I overcame challenges and adversity to help our family have better.
    • I want them to know I ended up being a positive influence in their lives.

And with that I have completed chapter 7 of “The Energy Bus” 17 more chapters to catch up by Tuesday…. if there are more exercises to write down, you’ll get another post from me. Thank you for being patient with me when I’m down, and thank you for reading my blog. I really appreciate the support knowing that there are people out there that find my words at least interesting enough to check in occasionally, and the occasional comment lets me know that my process is helping others at times. For that I am utterly grateful.

Synchronisity: therapy,  allergies & depression- A Thank You!

Synchronicity

Synchronicity
Synchronicity is a concept, first explained by psychiatrist Carl Jung, which holds that events are “meaningful coincidences” if they occur with no causal relationship, yet seem to be meaningfully related. During his career, Jung furnished several slightly different definitions of it.

SynchronicityWikipedia

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Synchronicity

 

 

Last week (7th- 15th) I spent a lot of time very angry and upset.  I screamed at the divine “You have the ability to help me fix this!” The sentiment of the screaming was: I want to fix this- all of the things wrong in life and with me right now-and can’t,  you can help.  Why won’t you hear me and do so? !

Several days running, I screamed, and screamed during my commutes.

Thursday of that week (10th) I find myself at work crying.  I just couldn’t stop.  I tried going to the restroom.  I washed my faced twice;  the best I could do was slow the crying down to a gentle sob. One of the employees, which I’ve had many conversations with, saw me. He got me tissues and coffee.

He found his boss,  the woman I coordinate with, & they pulled me into a quiet space.  They spoke with me a long time, they gave me hugs, offered to take me to the hospital. After discussing that I didn’t have a specific plan,  she decided the hospital  might not be an appropriate option. They offered to find some resources and sent me home.  Before I could even leave the parking lot they had provided me with resources to try,  different ones than I’d already tried. I made calls & stopped at one of them on the way home.

It was such a relief. For the first time in ages,  I knew someone I worked with cared (something I asked for in my post: Trying to Hinde From My Fears).  Also for the first time in ages I was getting help without having to jump through thousands of overwhelming red tape hoops & paperwork nightmares. I felt relief.

The place I stopped at on the way home was a church that the nursing home coordinates with for services for the residents and certain holiday events.  They provided real-time financial assistance and got me on the list for their volunteer therapist program.  I’m on the waiting list and will be connected with someone there as soon as an opening is available. Again, I felt relief.

The other resource my co-workers provided was for KC Care clinic- formerly KC Free Clinic.  I came to learn that affordable care act regulations prevented them from seeing people without some hoops, but that they still try to help.

I was able to get paperwork (2015 tax return, proof of residency, ID)  & prof of insurance filed by the following Wednesday. They logged me as insured/uninsured because one medical appointment a year is covered,  but everything else isn’t.  After reviewing my financials I qualify for $10/appt and some prescription assistance.

I had a phone screening the next day and because of my answers the behavioral health counselor said she wanted to get me in as soon as possible.  She stated that she had a good therapist- a grad student in mind (as licensed therapists were booked 3 months out) -that she thought would be a great fit. After agreeing to try him & playing schedule tag, we found a workable appointment the next day (last Friday) .

The following morning I had a plan to fit as much in as possible to accommodate the lunch appointment.  But it seems the divine  had heard some  prayers finally (Thank you to those putting in a good word for me!).

My first clue was working on a woman that had the same physique and mannerisms of Nathan’s mom.  I  called him and told him he needed to call his mom, and explained why.

Then right as I’m trying to get one more person before scurrying on to my next location.

BAM! YOU JUST THOUGHT YOU’D HAVE PLANS!

My last lady was an 83 year old with COPD so bad that she needed oxygen constantly.  She confessed she’d never smoked but had pneumonia several times as a baby, and spent the rest of her life with multiple severe allergies- which is probably what damaged her lungs.  She told me she’d  figured a lot of them out on her own, and shared a list uncannily like mine, but longer. She continued saying;  after much trials & tribulations & several God given suggestions she’d ended up seeing a Doctor in Liberty that she later discovered was famous for his innovative treatments for allergies. It really helped, but later after having amalgam fillings removed she had trouble again. I told her about a detox I was going to try that’s supposed to help with heavy metals like found in amalgam fillings. I wrote the info down for her and took the allergy doctor’s info.

She then told me about a time when she’d fractured her hip & discovered she was allergic to pain killers. She said that she was hallucinating, she felt like she was in the TV, because she would respond to questions on the TV like someone was standing there asking her. She said she’d gotten really paranoid & was trying to lash out,  but couldn’t because her body felt too heavy.  She said that finally after hours of this, she got to where she couldn’t breathe & was slowly asphyxiating. The doctors thought she was dieing  & after telling her daughter, her daughter made the decision to stop the IV’ s. She  says within about an hour she was breathing normally, & several hours later it was like nothing had happened. She managed through the pain from the fracture  & eventually healed just fine. She told me: you’re young, you have plenty of time to figure things out & just refuse to take anything that’s not whole organic produce into your body; you might be able to avoid COPD. I was stunned, but thanked her for her story, explaining I needed to go.

The conversation was 45 min long and meant I wasn’t going to accomplish anything else before my therapy appointment.

I called Nathan again and explained what had just occurred. I exclaimed why; why would the divine give me valid information to try to act on, but not the resources to do anything with it. I Just don’t get it. He said I know, just log the info, keep the doctor’s information safe and maybe it will work out soon. I said I doubt it because it’s not like this journey is new. Again he repeated I know, we’ll figure it out.

I went ahead and headed to the appointment. I’ve been to a therapist in the past, but it’d been a while- about a decade. I cant say I was excited, because my previous experience helped a little, but hadn’t produced lasting results- obviously.  It also felt like failure. If I am needing serious help from professionals, then things have gone horribly wrong.

The appointment was much like I remember. Essentially sitting in an office talking to someone. Although in this case, the case manager that did the phone screening was there for the first visit- regulations, she told me. Lots of questions with uncomfortable answers. I can’t tell you how much depression hurts daily, and I have absolutely no words to describe how painful telling my life story to 2 strangers is. There was lots of crying. Lots of feeling ashamed. At one point I exclaimed that I can’t stand when I’m like this, I do things I wouldn’t normally.

We covered my journey with low thyroid, my journey with allergies, and even my past therapy and failed anti-depressant trials. They explained that the anti-depressants likely didn’t work because of the thyroid issues. I also told them about that earlier conversation with the 83 year old COPD patient, and I exclaimed: “Do you know how many times I’ve been to medical professionals with knowledge of severe allergies and long standing depression and no one ever mentioned that allergies could cause psychosis!” They genuinely listened. I felt some relief again.

As the appointment was winding down they left me with supportive words. This was the 3rd time in one week (co-workers, church people, and therapists) that I was hearing that I had hung in spectacularly. The jist of this 3rd round: They told me many people would have given up much sooner. They told me that I must be massively strong to talk myself out of suicide so many times, let alone avoiding hurting my family. They told me that I am an amazing mom for figuring out how to handle the time when my thyroid prevented breastfeeding. They told me that I had done the best I could with a whole lot of really difficult things that I couldn’t control, and that I was a wonderful supportive wife and mom. That I should just give myself a really big break, a pat on the back, and let others take care of me for a while, that it was time I came first. I CRIED SO HARD! I knew the words were echoing around my brain and bouncing off all the times I’d heard them before, but it’s  just so damn hard to hear them when you’re hurting. Yet it was still relief.

Finally, the grad-student therapist explains he’s been working with a well known doctor that has studied depression for 20 years, and has discovered a link between inflammatory diseases like allergies, and depression. Essentially, he explains, inflammation on the brain can manifest in many ways, including depression. Then he explains that there is a connection between Omega 6’s and increased inflammation, and that maybe boosting Omega 3’s which are anti-inflammatory might help. He also says there are other factors at play, and we’ll spend the next visit going through questions and answers to see if this Therapeutic Lifestyle Changes program might help. He then gives me the info to see the doctors Ted-X presentation…. SEE HERE for the video

I can’t tell you how much relief that appointment was. They listened, and in the end, essentially they say I’m on to something, I’ve got a good start, I just need help figuring it out the rest of the way. If this program works, I can’t tell you how much relief that will be. Can you imagine fighting something for 21 years and finally finding an answer?

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I’ve already watched the TedX video (which brought me to tears) and I’ve even increased my Omega 3 foods (mostly salmon) drastically since Friday. I’ve also exercised more this week. Previously, I was getting 1 to 2 exercise days a week. I’ve already added a 3rd this week, and I’m shooting for a 4th somewhere in there. I’m not sure if it is helping yet, as it’s only been 4 days and I’ve done more yelling and screaming in that time, but I am hopeful.

I’m just so grateful that there’s possibly something that could eliminate my decades long battle, and that GOD finally gave me some clues. Now if he could just open up a way to see the allergy doctor in Liberty. I would love to heal my body too!

Seriously though, I know I have people reading my words and praying for me and my family. I thank you all. I honestly believe it made the difference and triggered this chain of events, I’ve been asking for years, and it’s not until screaming for days while other’s are praying for me that I get some answers. I appreciate it more than you could know, it means that I have hope again of possibly healing my brain and body and being able to leave depression behind me. That means sooooo much to me. Thank you.