Tag Archives: God’s work

Messenger girl.

My not-feeling-well bedtime was interrupted by a psychic tap on the shoulder, so my deal for this message is my “COVID” experience needs to wrap up. If I’m going to be a messenger girl it’s a hell of a lot easier when I feel better.

The message:

I hear a world
Scared
Running in fear
From unknown

The perception
A dis-ease
Called COVID
Not playing by
Existing labels' rules

All
Clamoring
To blame
To cast doubts
To shun
To redicule
To pass the buck
To make a buck

Responsibility
An excuse
To burden others
With shame
When none was
Earned

The fear is
Real
Based on information
Shared
Yet somehow
Something is
Missing
Or hidden
That knowledge
Is the true root
Of the feelings
Stirred

What is missing
What is hidden
Is this dis-ease
What we are being
Told
Is the blame
Founded
Are we right to
Shun, redicule, punish
When efforts fail

Efforts always fail
When aimed incorrectly
And often even when
Aimed correctly

How are so many
Getting sick
Same days
Same times
When individuals
Rarely share that much
In common
As hoards

People
Scared
For their lives
For their loved ones lives
Rightfully so
Many already having
Lost
Many more at risk

Perhaps
Risks
Could be more
Effectively
Reduced
If the missing
Pieces
Were found

I hear the fear
I see the way
Now will anyone
Hear my message

It is more simple
Than you know
It has been repeated
More than any care
To admit

Let go
Go within

This girl writes truth
She carries
My burden
She is no different
Than any of you
Except she made one
Important
Choice
To hear me
And do her best
To pass my message on

The answer everyone
Seeks
Can be found
Within
Your bodies
Miracles of
Divine creation

Let go
Of everything
You think you know
Of everything you
Have been told
Of everything
You're supposed to
Do, be, have
Let go
To be able to go
Within

Deep
Inside
Yourself
Is the key
The solution
To all of this
And more

Every person
A miracle of
Life
Able to right
Any wrong
Simply
By
Being
Still
Enough
To hear what can't be heard
To see what can't be seen
To communicate what can't be said

Let yourself
Find your
Inner
Miracle
It is the way
The path
Easier than you know
Yoda
Said so

See the common
Thread
Understand
The deeper
Meaning
To find your
Own
Freedom
From this
Or any other
Dis-ease

Speak your
Own truth
In patience

Listen not just to
Fears and concerns
But for the good
For the better choices

See how we
Can come
Together
In goodwill
In cooperation
In kindness

Humanity
Can and will
Become stronger
For all of it

None need perish
All whom leave
Make that choice
Most have been
Asking for it
As their path
Too knarled
To be

Open yourself
See
Hear
And speak
With your
Own soul
The way
Will set you free

It is easier
When rested
Gentler
When hydrated and
Nourished
Flows readily
When flexible
Makes sense
When minds
Are open

Kindness with
Self
Begets more
Kindness

Openness with
Self
Encourages flow
For solutions
To find proper
Ways
Homes to heal
Families to restore balance

All is well
Can manifest
With trust
Faith
Let go
Go within
Be patient

Normally I’d notate my name on a poem. This one is definitely not mine and I hope I did full justice to the message.

Everyone be well and take the message to heart. I’ve been doing my best and I’m hoping that I’ll pull out of my physical discomfort soon. I could have caught it from any one of a large number of people and I blame no one, my misalignment let it in. I simply hope that the divine will help me realign and heal fully.

May we all be in alignment. May we all heal. May the missing pieces become clear and fear dissipate. May we all find the miracle within ourselves. May we all hear the messages, see the path, and know exactly what to say and when. May we all see our individual impact on the journey of humanity and may all of us wishing to stay have wonderful lives from this day forward. Above all may you know that the divine lives, and loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

I just knew.

I just knew I had to. I don’t know why.

I sent an email today that I had debated on sending for months. I have done the “it sounds crazy”, “It sounds like this or that”, or “they won’t be able to hear me”. But today I just knew I had to.

I asked for guidance on my words. The intended recipient was the president of the company I worked for last. It’s a big small company. So, I sent it through the only other person I trusted to get the message through.

Who does that?

Who emails someone far more capable than oneself?

Who sends such a heavy message to someone I’m not supposed to even think would read my message?

I don’t know what that says about me, but I just knew I had to.

I hope the message is received loud and clear. I hope they understand the fullness of what it means. I hope they feel the light that it brings.

May you always know exactly what to say and when. May you see your light and how to shine it most brightly. May you know you are doing the right thing always. May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti


Several hours later. I’m feeling anxious. I’m not sure why. I no longer work there. I’m no one. Why do I care if they acknowledge the message?

Because it’s not my message and God wants to be heard.

I am no one. I am nobody. Nobodies get ignored all the time. I did my best, and at this point I know I had a few typos- sometimes my intuitive nature causes them, I think because of layers of intent. So, there is no reason for them to take me seriously or even care that I emailed. My message has elements that could have been flushed out more, explained more, but I was attempting to be as concise as possible and get the point across. The message is only as good at the sender, so why did God choose me with my dyslexia and bad typing? Why did God choose a nobody?

That’s what is causing anxiety. A message that needed to be delivered to someone that obviously asked for it, and I was the vehicle. I hope it doesn’t bounce off of them.

More I hope that God understands I did my best.

Jewel – Hands

This song was stuck in my head this evening.

It has been significant for me since the first time I heard it. It carries deep meaning for me. Perhaps it is a major reason or factor in why I chose to name my blog as I did. All I know is that in watching the video, to make certain I had the right one, I started crying. I hope you understand as I do. Lyrics below.


“Hands”

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we’re all OK
And not to worry ’cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these

I won’t be made useless
Won’t be idle with despair
I’ll gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small, I know
But they’re not yours, they are my own
But they’re not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn’t steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn’t ever after

We’ll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what’s right
‘Cause where there’s a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing

My hands are small I know
But they’re not yours, they are my own
But they’re not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

In the end, only kindness matters
In the end, only kindness matters

I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray

My hands are small, I know
But they’re not yours, they are my own
But they’re not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

My hands are small, I know
But they’re not yours, they are my own
But they’re not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
We are never broken

We are God’s eyes
God’s hands
God’s mind
We are God’s eyes
God’s hands
God’s heart
We are God’s eyes
We are God’s hands
We are God’s eyes


May you know that you are God’s eyes, hands, mind and heart. May you know exactly why you are here and what your impact on this world is. May you know your life has meaning even when you have difficulty seeing it. May you always understand your messages, even when it is as simple as a song stuck in your head. Above all may you know that the divine loves, guides, and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

If I could do anything?

Admist everything else that has been my life of late, that question has been on my mind. Yet I need to take care of myself at every opportunity to make up for my painful lapse. So, I have thought and thought, and now I write while balanced on my foam roller.

At first blush, 2 weeks on a warm sunny beach with no one would be awesome. No questions, no comments, no concerns, no inquisitive ramblings, no need to do this, or have to be there, no role to play, no person to be for someone. Just me, sand, sun, ocean view, and tasty cold beverages.

Except then I acknowledge how seemingly impossible that would be. Either I’d have to run away and have guilt over that, or hire a babysitter and home health. Neither of which is desirable and the latter is out of my budget, I can barely afford the two middle-schoolers that watch Ian and Katherine on the rare occasion we have to resort to that. Fortunately, they are homeschool kids so even during the school year we can call on them if needed, but it is always a last resort.

So I told my friend the office manager I was sitting on that beach in my mind as often as possible, and then she made sure that I had as much time as I wanted to myself yesterday. I am grateful for that. I struck the balance between to-do-list and running away and gave myself a couple solid hours of quiet me time.

Anyway, so there’s that question. I have thought immensley on.

The short answer is: what I’m doing now, just a little less of it, a couple hours a week less should be enough, but with proper external care- so adequate trades too.

The long answer started when I thought about the offered office admin position at the clinic. I can do it, I’m not a 30 year seasoned vet, but I get the complexities and processes. Yet, I find myself holding my breath often, and I really have to focus because it isn’t second nature for me. Between dyslexia compensation mechanisms, and easily distracted, I find I have to spend most of the day making myself focus. It’s just like when I was Activities Director. It’s not a bad job and the job itself isn’t that stressful, but me doing the job is.

Then I thought about things I like and things I don’t like. It was a long list of both. Ultimately, the important likes were making pretty/adding beauty to the world and helping people. Those two give me big feel good warm fuzzies. Yet, I am beginning to see that the former is a result of the latter, and also that the way I help people can be a much wider array of ways. So in a way my current role is a good reflection of that.

I also acknowledged that there are other jobs that could accomplish the same things, but most of them would require more education, and that is out of reach at this point in time. Others, I’m not sure they would be any kind of pay raise or reduction in labor, so there’s no hurry to switch.

I also felt that I have had many people over time acknowledge my talent in a variety of ways: being called a healer, being told I’m compassionate, being told I’m gifted, and thousands of “best massage in my life”.

It’s just in me and I’m okay with that.

It’s so much there, that massage is the one thing I’m so profeccient at, that I don’t really have to think about it. My mind can be on a million things and people never notice unless I say something about it. I can carry on conversations while working my magic. I don’t have to give it one thought.

Yet I do, I still spend vast amounts of time focused on what my hands are doing, pressure, sensations, and billions of repetitions of healing phrases and and Reiki statements. I think about how beautiful some of my clients are, and how kind, caring, strong, and generous other are. I think about all their good qualities to help them reach themselves and heal.

I don’t do it because I have to.

I do it because I want to.

I want to help and make beautiful, and doing what I do, does that for them. I want to be my best self so I’m always striving for more focused, more attentive, more helpful, easier. And to do all of that I focus on what I’m doing even more.

So even though my job is easy enough for me to mentally check out, I remain as present as the client’s conversation allows, most of the time.

Things that bring enjoyment and joy are those that you can focus on fully and completely.

The more attention you give to your now moment the better it feels. And for me, massage and art, are both neck and neck for that place. Those two things have brought me the peace of the moment, more than anything else in my life. When I was in highschool music was a tied third. As an adult I have no time for music, and I’d have to start over being so rusty.  I genuinely love all 3, and currently I’m working in 2 of them successfully.

Anyway, at the long end of my contemplation, I have decided I need to back off slightly and somehow figure out good trades bi-weekly. I’m not giving up on what I love because of injuries, I just need to make certain they don’t happen again. There is a balance and I will find it in time.

For now I’d still love that vacation. I’ll leave the door open that the universe finds a way to make it happen.

May you see you role in this world and love yourself for it. May you have all of the joy inspiring focus you need and may you never have to focus on something you’d rather not. May your skills match the job perfectly and make everything easy for you. May you breathe deep always knowing that you got this, and you’re doing exactly as was intended for you. May you find your way to make the world a more beautiful place and in turn help everyone the same as a drop of water in the ocean. May you always know that you are loved and supported in all that you do, and you have that and more from the divine always.

Om Shanti

Furthermore (after publishing thought):

I am able to focus on massage and art, even when life melts down. I am able to focus on them even when I’m in pain or distress. I am able to focus on them in the midst of everything. I choose to do them because I enjoy them and they help me too. I choose to make the time for them, because they serve me well always, and bonus they help me pay my bills too. They are my gateways to my inner being no matter what else is going on in the world.

I wish that for everyone. May you all find that thing or the things that are gateways to your inner being no matter what is happening in your world. Those are your gifts. Cherish them always.

Om Shanti

2 was too much.

I should not have had children. I can’t handle the ones I have. I can’t be a responsible parent because it’s killing me. The stress, the worries, but most of all the knowing that I have passed on the traits I tried so hard to stop. I have perpetuated the damage that my parents wrought on me, especially that of my father. I was not able to stop it and I’m watching my children repeat those bad behaviors. Plus I even passed on the resulting disease. Everything I do only seems to make it worse instead of better. I can’t fix this and I wish I’d never caused it to begin with. I should never have had children. I’m sorry, please forgive me. The universe only made it very difficult to bear children, it didn’t eliminate the possibility. I should have given up before I even started. If I had let myself completely go I’d already be dead and there would have never been a child to begin with. I think that was my biggest mistake, trying to fix something that wasn’t worth the effort. I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you. Can I go home now? No more battles, no more striving, no more trying, just peace.


These are the deep dark thoughts of my brain that I do my best to ignore. They eat at me anyway. Bonus I know my father thinks them. You see when I get on the wavelength of these thoughts I even start to take him on. Right now my left foot is swollen and I just had a moment where I felt like I was stuck in his failing body. I lost it on my whiney children because of the 3D reality in front of me, but I felt like I was standing looking at my adult sister. I feel exhausted and just want to sleep and never wake up. My brain is trying to calculate the easiest way to ensure that. I had the realization I should have never lived to begin with, and I can’t take back the love I have for my children, but I felt distinctly like they didn’t give a shit about my existence.

See I don’t have to call my father, because every single negative trigger in my universe takes me front and center to his psyche and his current existence. It literally kills me a little every time it happens, and I use every bit of my being to stay away from it as much as possible.

My real, sane, prayer is that it ends very soon. I can and will heal if it ends. I also pray that the divine fixes what I can’t. My beautiful children deserve the same healing and the same disease to stop. I do love them, I don’t wish any of this negative toxicity on them, but they have already been poisoned. I beg the divine to fix what I can’t. For their sake, for their children’s sake, for the world’s sake.

May you never know the agony of living like this. May you never fight tooth and nail to fix generations old damage. May you never be faced with an invisible force that you are powerless to stop. May you never wish death upon yourself. May you find a way to gain control of what is normally under your will. May you find a way to safely manage those horribly damaging things that aren’t. May we all get through these times and clear the other side safely. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti