Tag Archives: God’s work

Work in progress.

I am a work in progress, but aren’t we all.

However, this week has been challenging to see any such progress.

I didn’t get a chance to do any InkTober drawings after the 5th, and even that one didn’t get finished on the 5th. I didn’t get all my exercise in. I didn’t get my salt bath last night. My arms and hands hurt, and frankly a lot of my body hurt, that is why I failed to exercise. I was tired all week, and the fatigue was so intense that two days it caused a drop in mood as well.

I did ask for help. I received acupuncture twice and an adjustment today. My husband worked on me despite having a million other things on his to-do list. I used mechanical tools to work on myself and rested more than usual. I also managed to stay very clean on food choices, especially since I know this mess started because of food fails.

Instead of continuing my 7 day a week work journey, I cleared Sunday. I also cleared part of my Tuesdays to have a few extra hours to myself.

Mondays I’m now functional as office staff for the clinic, and this week it was a good thing because I almost ended up alone. The front desk person was in a nasty car accident over the weekend and the friend/office manager wasn’t really at full capacity from chemo. But the two of us managed to get through the day with a minimum of difficulty.

Saturdays are still split between the clinic and the independent living building. The rest of the week is all massage. Regardless of where or when, I continue to do my best to spread love and healing with all my activities and interactions.

It’s a lot, but I want to help, for God and for good, so I do. I know it could be worse because my past has had worse if both extremes (too much and too little). I’d rather keep doing what I’m doing than risk too little again.

Autumn is now out of the hospital and Nathan has been helping her with several things during the day. She is more ambulatory now than we were originally concerned about, and KU Med was finally able to get the MRSA infection under control. She will now receive a weekly infusion treatment of an experimental drug which so far seems to be doing the job nicely. Her thumb was the last surgery done, and she was worked on by skilled plastic surgeons, so instead of loosing the thumb, it’s now just a fraction of an inch shorter and more slender than her other hand, but infection free.

She has many challenges, but amidst the chaos of the medical predicament, her wife has agreed to mariage counseling. So, their divorce which was sidelined by the medical situation continues to be in forbearance. She is unsure of moving forward, so she’ll stay with us at least short term to figure out post hospital treatments and what might happen with her wife.

I told Nathan that I simply wanted to help and if we see her through all the way, it’s great, but if we merely get her started that is okay too. God knows what is best for both her and our desire to help.

Some days I wonder what I’m doing, and why I keep pushing. Others I simply know exactly why.

My feminine half wants to slow down, and my masculine half knows I can’t, at least not yet. I must keep going a little while longer.

My masculine half wants to finally heal and be the slender Venus I desire. My feminine half knows I may never fix it and need to quit being so damn hard on myself.

My masculine half needs to strive to be better, do more, be stronger, be healthier, push and push, to try and make up for all the times I wasn’t good enough. My feminine half knows that sometimes we’re not able to do or be something because it’s simply not our job, not our responsibility. You can’t fix everything, that is why we need to look to God and allow the divine forces to do things for you.

But the I wasn’t raised that way, my parents rarely trusted God, and usually it was my mom demonstrating all the trust in divine will. So I keep trying and weeks like this feel insurmountable. I want to trust, but when I’m so damn tried and achy it’s awfully hard to do so.

I see Autumn as a beautiful woman that has been horribly battered and beaten by life, and she needs to find her inner self and love and trust to be able to truly heal.

Saying those words I also see myself.

Yet, I know I have felt my inner being. I’ve heard my inner being. I know what that means. I love my inner being, and when I look at all the things I’ve lived through and overcome I do love myself.

I love how much I’ve strived to improve myself, not just for me, but for my whole family. I love that I never gave up, when many times I wanted to. I love that I fought depression and despite it nearly winning dozens of times, it never actually did. Despite two decades of a depression ridden brain telling me I’d be better off dead, I have managed to live and find at least some healing.

At this point I feel like the exhausted sprinter that took third place. I feel like I could have and should have done better, but I made it far enough that I do deserve some kind of prize. Right now I just don’t know what that means, but I’m trying not to fall over before I get to find out.

I have one client left for the day, one of my house calls that I’m very tempted to not reschedule with. I definitely have trouble saying NO, especially when something helps me keep up with the never-ending snowball of finances, so off I go for one more hour.

May you see your inner beauty and trust yourself enough for healing. May you find a way to show love even when others choose not to see it. May you know your efforts matter in just the way God intends. May you find ways to help others around you even when you might need help yourself. May you find ways to take care of yourself and keep yourself functional to be able to keep doing more. May you put yourself first just enough to matter and show yourself some love. May you know that in the end it will all somehow be worth it. May you know God loves and supports you.

Siva Hir Su

InkTober 5th: blade; micron pigma pen on Strathmore cold press watercolor paper, approximately 4″ x 4″

My experience of Allopathic America

I’m writing today to discuss my current situation and treatment goal, but also to expound on how Allopathic medicine is now a money maker and no longer concerned with general health, well-being or full healing. I of course am only speaking to my experience and knowledge which lies in the Great US of A.

So if you’ve been a regular reader you know the basics. If not the more brief synopsis is:

I’ve lived with undiagnosed thyroid concerns since I was 12 years old, the lonely unknown battle took it’s toll with severe suicidal depression (medications did not solve) and uncontrollable weight. Then, I met a lady on a train when I was 29 that cued me onto iodine and thyroid supplements. Because it was helping her and we had similar histories, I tried it, and lost 45 pounds in a month and then found myself pregnant. When I was 31 I gave birth to my son and my thyroid crashed hard, enough I almost killed myself and I was forced to seek help. Then began my journey dealing with doctors and trying to get accurate dosing and helpful medication to begin with. It forced me to begin learning about thyroid disease, medications and lab testing. I have since battled with doctors to keep my thyroid managed well and have utilized the Auto-immune Paleo diet, iodine supplementation, and seaweed to accomplish most of the relief I have gleaned, I intentionally work very hard to keep my need for medication low. I exercise regularly, can lift quite a bit of weight and am healthy by all measurable standards except body weight. Yet I knew something still wasn’t right when in January I could feel my thyroid irritating my voicebox. After an ultrasound finding multiple nodules on my thyroid, I spoke with one of my clients that has had a similar journey. She filled me in on a treatment she had done to eliminate a virus that had been hiding in her body slowly damaging her thyroid and other organs. It completely healed not just the virus, but the damage to her organs too. It was expensive so I put it in the back of my mind and said eventually I will get there.

However, God seems to think I need to act sooner. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago.

I got what I thought was strep throat, and not my first round of it. What I was dealing with looked and acted like it. The doctor begrudgingly did a swab that came back negative, but since I had already started the antibiotics and Prednisone she ordered I finish the doses out. Right as the strep throat symptoms were ending I got a nasty rash on my upper thigh. It at first looked like standard hives, so I was perplexed thinking I reacted to the antibiotics and Prednisone when I never had before. Then larger blisters appeared in the center of the rash and they hurt like crazy. I couldn’t figure it out at first and the doctor had pissed me off so bad with how she handled the strep swab that I knew I didn’t want to deal with her again. I prayed on it and did some meditations and otherwise kept moving and functioning, but was careful to be mindful of mask wearing in case the perceived strep was something else entirely.

Two days into the rash I remembered the conversation with my client about the virus and the treatment that was done to solve it, and the memory just nagged and nagged at my brain. I looked up the virus she had talked about, it was the Epstein-Barr Virus (see here for wikipedia info). Interestingly, that virus can mimic strep throat and occasionally does cause a nasty rash. I had never had the rash before but have had strep several times where it didn’t come back as positive on strep tests. I decided to skip the doctor and test the theory myself. First I did the acute mononucleosis test for $69, that in theory would catch an active EBV infection. It came back negative, which apparently 25% of tests can be false negative because of how the test looks for the virus. So I decided to do the more thorough Chronic EBV test. $169 later I was holding test results that showed really high values for only one of four of the antibody markers. The other 3 were in negative range. But the one antibody was so ridiculously high that the test results came with a disclaimer that it was significant of a recent infection. So I had my smoking gun. I was in fact dealing with an EBV infection, and one that was good at hiding in my body and not triggering all of the antibodies.

Like my client had told me, EBV can hide in the body for years and does a whole host of damage to various organs, the thyroid just being one. It can also damage both the pancreas and liver, which are the other organs I have noticable difficulty with, manifesting in my food sensitivities and glucose control. If left unchecked EBV can also lead to multiple cancers and lukemias.

So now I finally had an ‘Ah Ha’ moment. I finally knew the cause of my 25 year journey of ill health despite having been to many doctors in 4 states during that time period. I have in my hands, proof of the virus being in my body in a chronic way. It is most likely the cause to all my concerns, and if I can clear my system long enough I can enable my organs to heal and health to return.

Enter the treatment my client did.

She went to a functional medicine doctor that discovered her Chronic EBV infection and he did a treatment called IV Oxygenation Therapy. The doc costs an initial consult of $600 plus $100 per month subscription fee which covers up to two office visits. The IV treatment is $2000.00, and if I haven’t already done all the labwork he needs then there may be other additional costs. Insurance, if you have it, would only cover labwork, I don’t anyway and I am always cash pay. So I need essentially $3000.00 to attempt to kill the virus and damaged tissues and instigate full healing. However, the process is hard on the system, so my client had explained she was down for 5 or 6 days afterwards because of the cellular die-off and detoxing, so I will also have to account for missing a week of work as well.

Beyond my frustrations over cost and managing to actually implement something with the potential to end my battle for health, I am super frustrated at the awareness I now have of our medical system.

Essentially, a dozen+ doctors in multiple offices in four different states and 10 different cities over 25 years, and none of them even came remotely close to really truly accurately diagnosing the problem. Every last one of them either gave up easily (as with the “low side of normal” tests from childhood) or decided to treat the one symptom of low thyroid function.

If I had not taken the time to educate myself on the problem I was faced with and kept digging knowing that something was still wrong, then I could have spent 30 to 40 years taking thyroid meds to end up with cancer and potentially die from it.

Western medicine as it currently stands in America is concerned with two things. 1) A minimum of treatment to ensure you stay alive, not well, just alive. 2) Making money indefinitely via treatment of symptoms only, rare cases like certain cancers they will treat with the premise of eradicating the disease, but still favor expensive treatment over cheaper more effective options.

You may wish to disagree with me on either, but evidence is piling up to support both.

I have written on several occasions in regards to how elder care and instutionalized medicine are more concerned with keeping an elderly person alive than actually providing the ability to live life. It is how we end up with people bed bound or wheelchair bound for years at the end of their life. Unable to do many tasks, but still alive and suffering. I have directly worked with dozens of such people where my massages are intended to help prevent skin tears, bed sores, and maybe just maybe provide a little relief from discomfort of being frozen in place.

But yet, it’s more than that. Part two listed above is very evident for me. Not one doctor ever said, your thyroid is struggling, there’s potential we could solve that and get you back to normal. No, in Western Medicine normal is live on this drug until you die. If that drug quits working we’ll double the dose or switch to another. Never is it, try to heal you and get you back to normal.

Even with cancer, the goal is cut and chemo and radiation. We now have several options that have better potential at lower costs, liquid Vitamin C at massive doses can kill cancer, turmeric extract has also been shown to have similar results, and beyond that we now have Car-T. But Car-T is too effective, even though it is still expensive, it only takes one full round of treatment and 99% of cancer can be completely healed. It simply cuts their profit margin by too much.

Any treatment that offers the potential for full healing is either sidelined by the AMA and CDC or is outright attacked by both. The more clinical and lab tested something is, the less they are able to attack it, but if it cuts profits then it will never be fully supported.

So, if you as a reader, want a real solution to whatever health problem you are facing, then you have to do the following:

  • Take charge of the problem, learn everything you can on the subject and follow the rabbit hole as far as it will lead you. Even then you might need to dig a little further.
  • Learn to read the labs of anything that needs tested. It’s not hard and the information is readily available if you know the trusted resources to seek out. If you get fuzzy on interpretation there are usually forums where people discuss their lab results.
  • The hardest part- Find a doctor that: 1- isn’t threatened by your intelligence and concern for your own health, and 2- might have alternate solutions or is at least willing to try something you propose. You may have to seek alternatives to your standard MD.
  • Finally, listen to your intuition. God wants you to heal and will give you the breadcrumbs to follow, but you have to trust that process. If something feels wrong it is, if something feels missed it is, if something feels right it is, if something nags at you- look into it, it probably means something important. Trust and God will guide you to a real solution.

As for me, I finally have a plan for a potentially final but expensive step. My biggest hurdle is money and I’ve overcome that one many times. I know I can do it again. I will do my best to allow and know that timing is everything. God will enable me to fix this for once and for all, and I will have avoided the worst case scenario for this disease.

As for you: may you have the solutions you seek. May you always have the proper resources when you need them. May you find helpful doctors that listen and do their best to meet your needs and find real solutions for your problems. May you trust God and be able to follow the breadcrumbs. May you see the solution you seek. May you understand that you are loved and supported. May you have the support you need from those around you. May you feel the love and support when it is needed most. May you know God wants you to be well. May you find the joyous healthy life you desire.

Siva Hir Su

Keeping my word.

Years ago, before my online romance SJ, I promised God that if he helped me pull up I would do my best to do good for God.

Now it seems that my long lost SJ helped me pull up enough that I have regained my balance in this world. I have gotten to a place where I can help others to some degree.

First was my desire to help Chairty Water. I originally started with the tiniest monthly contribution, and now I am able to match what I spend on our TV entertainment each month. It’s a step in the right direction.

Second was my dad. He is now with my sister and the few remaining pieces are slowly resolving. Beyond the healing that enabled for me, I’m glad that he has gotten what he wanted.

Now I have two new situations I am doing my best to help with.

The friend I wrote of with MRSA. Nathan paid a visit to her in the hospital and took flowers. It was simply an acknowledgement that 10 years ago when he was in a similar situation, I- as his wife, was his only visitor. So, he didn’t want her to feel the same way. While there he discovered that her wife had left her and was living with someone else, and her mother and father are AWOL because they are battling their addictions and mental diseases and unable to even be civil human beings. She has no one significant in her life. She has friends only, some of which have already helped and some of which are willing to do more as able. She has two weeks left of her 6 week hospital stay, and then she has no solid plan. The infection was mostly surgically removed, except for a small spot in the left ventricle of her heart, but she now has a massive incision in her groin needing dressing changes. It’s eerily similar to Nathan’s original surgery and predicament.

Anyway after my workday was over Nathan filled me in on his visit and everything they spoke about. I reached out to her and offered our home in the same way I did for my father. I also offered to help her with PT and getting to and from post hospital appointments. I even suggested that I might be able to connect her with a job when she is able to return to work.

It felt really good to be able to do that. It’s really not much; in the grand scheme of things, the changes to our utilities and grocery bills are small enough to not even hesitate. I knew that her need for a space to be able to heal and regain her strength was far more important to God, so I know it will work out. I wish more people were able to do that for fellow human beings. We all need each other sometimes.

The other situation I’m doing my best to help with is the friend and co-worker that had the lump in her breast that I had initially checked to try and help guide her decisions. I had really hoped it was nothing and my gut reaction was off, but it has been diagnosed as cancer. Full ramifications are not known yet, but I know that she is super stressed and worried. I’ve been saying prayers and offering everything that comes to mind. My latest offer is to learn her job at the clinic, off the clock, so that I might be able to help fill in or help train a replacement if needed. I will do whatever is needed because she is a kind human being that needs the support right now. I have been racking my brain reaching for more that I might be able to offer, but she has many friends and family, so I think I have offered what is possible for now. Prayers are always welcome.

Sometimes God really does want us to reach for good for ourselves so that we can help others in the long term. I have learned that lesson in a very palpable way today. Simply because of depression riddled pleas 6 years ago, I have managed to slowly climb myself out of the hole and into being able to help others. There is still a long ways that I can go yet, but I’m extremely grateful that I have made it this far. I am so grateful that I am able to take steps to keep my word with God. I promised I would help him if he helped me, and that is what I am doing. Everyday I help people through my jobs, and now I can even help outside of my jobs.

I really do have my baby Atira. My home is not the big complex dome community of my dreams, but all of the things are present, and especially the charitable works. That was always the most important part anyway.

Beyond that God is healing me. Slowly but surely I know my body is healing and very soon I will have healed every bit of my previous concerns. I can feel and see the difference. I am ever so grateful for that too because I know it is giving me massive amounts of energy to do all of the things I am doing. My body healing is a direct correlation to being able to help others even more. I am so very grateful for all of God’s grace in my life. I hope I can properly honor all the good that has flowed through me.

May you see your place in the world. May you honor the good that has manifested in your life. May you understand how God helped you. May you see that there are people who care and want to help you when you need it most. May you find the ways to return the favors. May you find a way to flow good to others on behalf of God. May you see and understand that God loves and supports you, and wants the best for you, all you need to do is let God in. May you know you are loved.

Siva Hir Su

*The picture is my original. Monarch butterfly on orange zinnia flower. Taken at Kauffman Gardens, Kansas City, Missouri.