Tag Archives: good and bad

Under heavy artillery fire.

That song came on this afternoon after a fast helped me pull up some. It felt appropriate.

If others’ thoughts were weapons of mass destruction, I’m under direct attack of heavy artillery fire. Most don’t even know they’re doing it, so it’s not maliciously directed at me, but the damage is just the same.

My armor took a direct hit when I gave up (a few posts ago will clear that up) and made food choices that were far less than ideal. Because I haven’t overcome the paradigm of “____ foods are bad for me”, the giving up caused a system crash. For you see, a human brain is like the computer and the engine of a car put together, and poor food choices classically hamper its function for me. (Makes me want to write a tangent post.) Brain function was further impacted by a night of terrible sleep likely caused by my friend going through cancer treatment. I went to tell her of my poor sleep and she had nearly the exact same pattern. She didn’t cause it on purpose, and I didn’t pick up on her on purpose, my system was already compromised.

At that point all bets were off as to my survival, and the last two days have been sketchy at best. But today’s decision to do a true fast was apparently the appropriate action. My system had all day to process and clear while I worked. This evening I’m finally beginning to feel a little better, though still exhausted.

My brain has been so compromised by the allergic reaction and exhaustion that it was akin to a radio trying to play 6 stations at once, and only one of those was me.

There was the friend, whom is a good person, and would never intentionally cause me grief. However, with her treatment and diagnosis, I’m certain she herself is experiencing grief. She also really just wants to retire and no longer be responsible for others. She also really wishes she was recognized for her knowledge and abilities more. All of those sentiments were in my thoughts the last two days, and repeatedly.

Then there is Autumn, because I’m helping her and also because I had a long visit with her in the hospital, she broke through my damaged armor. All of the things that we have in common for mental battles had surfaced for me over the two days in question. I’ve also had a massively painful experience in my body, and the worst locations mirror locations she has had her surgeries on, or where the infection is still causing problems. I suspect it’s merely a combination of my allergic reaction and her woes being in my awareness.

The other biggie is my digital-stalker father from those few posts back. I jinxed myself by commenting that I must have gotten my point across because there hasn’t been any hits from him on here, or energetically. Then he visited again sometime after midnight last night. See he thinks he’s got software that shows him browsing from all over the world, except that I get one or two hits from China followed by the familiar 1-ton wave of negativity from childhood. His wave is so intense I can’t fight it, but I nearly always know it’s him fairly quickly. It comes with thoughts of wanting to die, but more of self-hatred. I know they are his logically, but my radio tuner turns them into sounding like they’re mine, the wording is always from the perspective of the self. When I was little I didn’t understand that, so I genuinely thought they were mine, right up until I moved away from home and it eased significantly. He’s right and taught me so well what to believe that I’m not sure I’ll ever completely eliminate the bad programming. I’ll never be good enough, I’m not strong enough, I’m not attractive enough. I can’t fix anything, and can’t do anything right. No one likes/loves me. I’m alone, I have no friends, I’m worthless. There is no reason for my existence, and for the life of me I don’t know why I’m here. Those all cycled through my thoughts heavily last night and today, before my system finally began to clear out.

If I could do one thing, it would be to create indestructible armor for my brain, against my father’s thoughts. At this point though I’m trying to just find my standard low grade intrusion level.

The other two stations that played were harder to figure out, probably because they were being drown out by the last 3.

One I think was the guy that I fancy, and for whatever stupid reason wish he would come around and tell me he cares. When I’m not inundated, that connection usually causes me to feel a mix of regret, apology, desire, and thoughts about needing to prove myself more. With all the rest going on the last two days, I only got the regret.

The last station in the mix was too garbled to really distinguish, but I suspect it could have been a client, or my far away lost love. It was just enough to make everything that much more confusing and difficult to process.

I know everyone saw my struggles and I know that at least a couple of my co-workers were really concerned. I wanted to reach out, but didn’t feel like anyone would fully understand, or really know how to help me. I just did my best to stay as clean as possible. Yesterday, the fatigue won and I ate crappy mass produced cookies. Today, I just kept coaxing myself, and save for some super clean vegan-allergy-free carob-chips early in the day, I didn’t eat anything at all. It’s now 6pm and my tummy only acknowledged a need to eat because I’m writing about not having done so.

I’m hoping that a clean dinner and some really good sleep will cure the rest of my ailments. However, the body aches are still pretty intense, so I may need to do some heavy mechanical work to regain full functionality.

I’m just glad that I managed to fast my way out of that mess.

May you have moments of clarity. May you find relief. May you understand the mechanics behind your current experience. May you see how to correct things efficiently. May you always have exactly what you need and be able to maintain high vibration/frequencies. May only Good thoughts fill your awareness. May you know how to purge any negativity in your experience and may you know how to shield yourself from repeat experiences. May you know that God really does love and support you.

Siva Hir Su

Role  models aren’t always perfect. 

I have really been seeing my son as a mirror lately.  He does so many things just like me. I find it amazing since I’m gone so much working in the metro.  Yet,  he has somehow managed to pick up nearly all of my mannerisms, and likes to do things mommy does.

I really appreciate this when it’s things like sweeping or cleaning, or when he goes to pick up a real drill fully intending to fix some obscure thing he’s noticed (which by the way my almost 3 year old knows how to handle a real drill safely). He loves watching Bob the Builder and comments on the lady builder being like me. I’ve seemed to help him feel the beat in music and he enjoys dancing (though he doesn’t like music loud like I do). He’s even taken to coloring now,  and especially loves it when we share coloring a picture.

I often cringe though. Usually when he swears, though we all laugh, because as friends pointed out he has  proper swearing ettiquet. He uses ALL the words correctly,  in proper context,  and doesn’t swear around people he doesn’t know. Yikes.

He also yells. Anya asked me why he was yelling at her yesterday.  I told her it’s because he’s learned well.  When I ask nicely I get no response,  but when I yell people do what I say. I said it’d have been easier on everyone if people just did things when I asked nicely, but no, now Ian has learned that it takes yelling too. So when he really wants something- right now,  he yells. Yikes.

He’s definitely a mirror,  for better or worse.  Yet I have to remind myself no-one is perfect.  I think I’m doing a bit better than my parents, definitely a work in progress,  but I  spend less time yelling & angry, and I reach for happy more.  I am more affectionate and cuddly. I do my best to make moments count and show my appreciation for my family where I can.

That being said,  even though I can see my parents negatives,  I still love them.  I see they did the best they could with the tools and knowledge they had. Even though they seem to be disappointed in me, I know they still love me somewhere in their hearts. I appreciate all they did do for me, and that they did do their best. That’s all anyone can really ask of their parents.

I know they must feel like they did something wrong to create the mess of me. I’m a bisexual pagan liberal socialist hippie that can’t stand conservatives and doesn’t go to church.  Yet, my ability and desire to help others, take care of others,  be responsible for others,  make people feel good, and be a humanitarian, wouldn’t have happened if not for their influence. I would have given up years ago if it hadn’t  been for their influence.  They made me strong, they made me a fighter. They made me independent,  they helped me find my intelligence.  They encouraged me to keep trying,  keep searching, keep learning.

I may not have done things just like them,  I’m a different person, but they gave me the foundation to be me.

So, I take that,  and look at my little mirror knowing that one day he’ll take my good & bad parts and make them his own,  probably striving  to be better than I am.  I can only hope that he’ll be as aware and acknowledge the same in regards to me. I hope he’ll hold me as his wonderful loving not-so-perfect mom and role model.