Tag Archives: good vibes

A Brief Exposé

Preface:

I’m going to intention to be somewhat vague here. I’ve noticed overlapping patterns in my manifestations and resulting interactions with others. I intend for this post to apply to as many of those overlapping situations as possible.

First and foremost:

“Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here.” ~ “Hayling” by FC Kahuna

I have come to rest for the moment in a place of acceptance of myself as I stand. I’m seeing my power and abilities and yet evaluating whether I wish to push the envelope or just allow myself to be for a bit.

I woke hurting this morning, a combination of allergic reactions from Anya’s birthday celebration, and physical fatigue from having done a dozen very-deep tissues this week. Yet I managed to push through and find genuine gratitude that at least I’m feeling it.

There are people living in this world that are unable to feel their arms and legs and would appreciate the discomfort of my aches this morning.

That acknowledgement in combination with something that crossed my path yesterday led me to a realization that I had attracted myself an onslaught of people unwilling to express their gratitude for me in any meaningful way. I literally saw how several people in my recent history (last 5 years) probably did care on some level, but convinced themselves for whatever reasons that they could not align with the action or resources which they knew would convey that most effectively. As a result I’ve parted and chosen to move on the best way I can, but lingering hurts cross my mind on occasion.

So here I sit feeling confident in my current endeavors and abilities, a new fuller knowing of myself, but slightly hesitating. Knowing that as I move forward I wish to attract people and experiences that honor myself better.

That means I must start by honoring myself better.

You see, the Law of Attraction is just that.

Like attracts like.

I could not have attracted those people and experiences if I had not held myself in that particular alignment.

Extrapolation:

“Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused.” ~ “Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics

I have been abused in my lifetime. Repeatedly in fact, and in multiple ways: physically, mentally, and emotionally. In turn my abused mind and body, unable to handle the hurts, reflected them back at those in my experience. I became the abuser. Not as severe as my abusers were, but abuse I delivered none-the-less. I knew in my heart I could not let that continue and prayed for help to change myself. I prayed that I might be forgiven for my indescrections. My least desire of anything in this world is to be abuser or abused.

I have been used in less abusive ways. Simply being an employee is, in a way, being used. However, because of my history with abuse, many of my being-used situations reflect a similar negative consequence. I see that my dream of Atira would in a way require that I use others. However, it is my prayer that I find a balance where I can utilize others in the best way possible, and while honoring their gifts as best as I am able. I want my having to experience the flip side to be full of as many positive consequences as possible. That means if I am to have employees I wish to compensate them properly. That means if I’m to utilize volunteers I wish to honor them fully and treat them accordingly. I want to teach people that honoring each other and ourselves is a way of honoring God.

Despite being one of my favorite songs, what “Sweet Dreams” fails to sing about is all of the other options.

I wish to love and be loved.

I wish to honor and be honored.

I wish to serve and be served in the name of God.

I wish to respect and be respected.

I wish to care and be cared for.

I wish to share and be shared with.

I wish for intellectual and emotional equals to experience this give take world with as partners and companions. Where we can all reach for better.

Full-Circle:

“I wished for you too.” ~ Practical Magic

I attracted you, with my attention to my desires and my sloppy habits stemming from hurt. My mixed bag brought you into my experience.

Yet, you must admit that you are equally responsible. You aligned in the exact same manner. You focused on your desires, but missed your sloppiness from your past.

You see we are equals, carrying the same level of blame.

I suspect you felt that you were better than I. That you could manifest things better, or that you were smarter than I, more connected, more esteemed or somehow more gifted. In your hubris you aligned yourself with idiocy and in a way became the abuser.

Your lack of humility, your inability to reach for better took us out of alignment.

You see, I seek those willing to admit we’re all equals here on this Earth stumbling through and learning how to reach for better and improve ourselves. Those willing to move mankind toward a brighter future. Those willing to take responsibility for their actions, offer apologies when necessary, and reach for honoring themselves and others better. I acknowledge that none are perfect, yet in our imperfection lies our greatest gifts.

I know you saw my intelligence, my strength, my reserve, my determination, my extra large size, as well as my extra large energy. You saw my fortitude, my resolve, my ability to endure and persevere. You saw my gifts and talents and my inner beauty.

Yet, your sloppy habits brought to your attention my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. I pushed your comfort zone and set a high bar. I challenged you in ways you obviously were unable to handle, which took us further out of alignment.

So now I can revise what I want, need, and desire.

I seek someone with equal intelligence, strength, reserve, determination, and energy. Someone with fortitude, resolve, ability to endure and persevere. Someone with gifts and talents and inner beauty. Yet someone humble enough to acknowledge that all of that exists in me and many others as well. Someone open minded enough to handle my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. Someone willing to allow themselves to grow through experiencing me fully. Someone able to have constructive conversations even when beliefs diverge. Someone able to convey their preferences while still exploring the unknown or perceived contrasting experiences. I seek someone willing to love and be loved. Someone to honor and be honored. Someone willing to serve and be served in the name of God. Someone willing and able to respect everyone and in turn be respected, to care and be cared for. Someone able to share and be shared with.

I need for those someones to be able to take responsibility and share their gifts to commit to not just my family, but to building Atira. You see, I don’t just need money for Atira, I need people, hands, help, specific knowledge that I would rather utilize in others than begin to learn myself. Atira will fare far better, actually become a success, if there is a group, a poly family, willing to share the work load. I seek those people.

I have thought about each person that had previously aligned and subsequently misaligned with me. If further alignment was genuine, accompanied by equally genuine apologies, and foreseeably maintainable, then I could potentially welcome them back.

At the moment I have no evidence to the possibility of that, and suggestions, mere hearsay, to the contrary. Yet, I’m going to leave room that it might be possible. However, I’m not going to hold my breath, because I know the universe will provide what I desire regardless. It has so far, I was just sloppy about maintaining my alignment, and THAT is where I know I can and will do better.

May all of my readers take this to heart and find and maintain their alignment. May you all have those in your life that honor, respect and love you for being you. May you heal your hurts and move on successfully. May you find a way to make your dreams happen.

Already on the bus.

So I’ve finished reading “The Energy Bus” and realize now that I’ve already gotten my bus going. It’s been a slow start, bumpy ride, with a few breakdowns already, but my bus is generally pointed the right direction and moving.

Really I’ve been driving my bus for a while, but just need more focus and helpful passengers

I have my committed passengers, in for the full ride- my family by marriage and by giving birth.

I have my semi-committed or part time riders, people in my daily and work life that are generally as helpful as they can be, but can’t necessarily stay for the whole ride. Sometimes they’re on and sometimes they’re busy on their own bus.

I have at least one passenger, maybe 2 or 3 that I’m hoping are like the character Michael. Where they removed themselves, but ultimately come around, and end up finding themselves wanting to make positive changes too, and join my bus again. That would be nice, not just for my bus, but for them- their state of being- and because it will validate messages I got what seems like forever ago. May we all master only feeding the good dog.

So far I’ve already ejected a few of what was termed “Energy Vampires” from my bus, and there’s one big one that needs to go yet. Fortunately, those from my biological family have mostly removed themselves from my life, so that’s one less hurdle.

With all that being said, this book leaves me acknowledging I have steps to go yet.

I have used this blog to write about Atira many times, but it’s scattered through multiple posts and partial posts, and I’m not sure I’ve ever reinforced the entirety of the complexity of that to those on board my bus, even if part time. I think it would help to get more concise with my desires, vision, and focus so that there is one document I can reference. Maybe even to give them copies.

I still have a ways to go to ensure I’m only feeding the good dog, and fueling my bus with positive energy. I have the basic idea, but have some practicing to do to maintain it, because I do let fear and stress get the better of me frequently.

Also, I totally spend too much time worrying about people that don’t get on my bus. I will get better at acknowledging maybe it’s too soon for them or they have other reasons for not joining my route. It’s not personal to me, it’s personal for them and their journey.

Additionally, I still have a ways to go on demonstrating my own enthusiasm and love. I already do both, but often allow myself to be easily deflated, especially when my efforts go unnoticed, unacknowledged, or unresponded to. Then once I’ve been deflated, I definitely still struggle to get back up and give another go.

I also need to find my purpose in everything better. It’s easy for me when what I’m doing is part of my vision for Atira, but much much harder when my task-at-hand is seemingly unrelated. That is evidence of not fully knowing that “everything happens for a reason”. I must trust more and find how everything relates. How does what I’m doing fit with my journey and fuel my bus.

Lastly, a huge must: start having more fun and enjoying the ride more. It’s not that I don’t at all, but I really succumb to stress easily. I’m latching onto the books’ phrase “you can’t feel stressed when you feel blessed”. That is my biggest new goal. To be “too blessed to be stressed”.

With that I wanted to share the list of rules the book went over:

And finally, I wanted to share an Abraham Lincoln quote (below) from the book that really resonated with me. My life journey fine-tuned to that direction after the online stranger woke my dreams up in me. I realized I may fail, I may never actually get there, but giving up all together- ignoring who I’ve become- is far worse than failing. I must remain true to who I am and where I’d like to go, if I’m to ever find consistent happiness and have any chance at all of possibly making it there. I want my light to shine bright from here until my dieing days.

Again, thank you for hanging in with me and joining at least the written part of my ride. I sincerely hope you benefit from my words in one way or another.

To float.

My moment now. 

I have contemplated taking a hiatus from my blog, from a lot really. I’ve been over thinking things I think, or at least over wording them.   

With all my oscillating I’ve spent a significant amount of time meditating and doing things to redirect and pull my vibration back up. It has caused some hermitage on my part.  My posts of late have been much shorter and to the point as a result. 

AND that’s okay. 

Today and yesterday have been mostly good for me,  but it seems that be it collective consciousness vibrations or actual astronomical effects,  there seems to be a special intensity happening.  It seems every time I get even the slightest negative it amplifies quickly and seems to cause nearly immediate not-so-good manifestations.  On the flip side when I stick to the positive, I’m still noticing the amplitude and quick manifestations as well.  So, I’ve done my level best to focus that way, and been mostly successful.

Today,  I started groggy & slow, stressed a bit about running a few minuets late.  Then my 1st lady was in the hospital and 2nd lady decided to skip today.  So I took 20 and readjusted my vibration.  The rest of the day went better, but I’m down 2 more residents,  so work ended up being short & sweet. I’ve refocused several times to acknowledge my work has always had ebbs and flows in quantity of residents & resulting appointments,  and there’s usually not really that much time in an ebb. It’ll all be okay.

I listened to Hicks on  a 20min “lunch” break,  and now that I’ve finished up at my building, I sit in contemplation in the beautiful weather. I know I have 1 more,  an apartment home visit,  but I’m am hour ahead of schedule,  so I’m taking half of it for me, which will still put me ahead of schedule. 

I currently feel very good.  Like anticipating hearing very good news,  though I have not a stitch of evidence to validate it. BUT that’s okay too.

I’m simply doing my best to stay with that feeling, and allow anticipation. I have short moments of anxiety because I don’t know what I’m anticipating,  and really I have no idea what I’m going to do next (in the grander game of life meaning).  I have moments of feeling lost and like I should be doing something.  Shouldn’t I be acting more?! My brain keeps nagging me with that.  Then I pause and refocus… just stay with the good feelings at all costs… anticipation is good,  happy is good… good feelings precipitate good things. That’s my ultimate goal, the good manifestations of my vortex,  already chaulk full of amazing requests, I’ve just got to allow it all in. AND that means feeling good at all costs. 

So,  10 min remaining of sunshine and breezes and mindfullness, before heading to my last appoinment. That is good…. and here comes Woofy, one of the resident’s dogs. 

Super friendly and always happy to receive a pet or two. Instant validation.  Stay happy. 

Finally,  my son is now 3 years old: that’s not only a really good reason to master this law of attraction thing to be a stellar example;  but also it’s a great thing to use to find more happy- a beautiful-smart-healthy 3-year-old boy has made it this far because of  me and Nathan & his big sister. Absolutely giddy making. Mmmm good. 

Ummmmm, yeah, it’s like that.

Another intense day to round out the week. It was HOT- 97*, though it felt like more. They have estimated that it might break 100* this weekend. Blah. Otherwise it was beautiful: bright, sunny, cloudless sky. Pretty flowers in full bloom everywhere. It was a work day for me, so I spent the day driving through Johnson County with perfectly manicured lawns and gardens, trees and shrubs.

The energy and messages flowed greatly. I felt very connected today. It was darn near blissful at several points. I don’t really know how to describe it fully, as I feel it through my whole body. Blissful, orgasmic, and intense seem to be the best descriptors. Regardless, everything went very well, and I even got to meditate over lunch. Even my meditation was intensely wonderful today.

On my drive into work I replayed the conversation (from yesterday) I had with the therapist relinquishing a building to me. It’s the new work to be had shortly. Basically, she confessed that I was the only therapist that she was able to come up with that was familiar with elder care. She said that she used to know 2 other ladies that did elder massage, but that they had retired. I also said that I had only known of a couple of other therapists doing a significant amount of elder care, but never actually met them, so I guessed she might have been one of them. Her concern was finding someone that actually knew the environment, how to work with the residents and what to expect and look for.  She essentially did a short phone interview with me to ensure that was the case. We talked about which buildings I go to, how I function, and what I charge. It was a good conversation.

Anyway, upon replay I realized that essentially what this conversation means is that when she has fully relinquished the building to me, I will have a monopoly on Elder Care in the Kansas City Metro Region. That is to say, I will be the only massage therapist that solely provides elder care massage as my whole business. I’m sure that there are a handful which see one or 2 people in the environment which I work, therapists always make exceptions for their favorite people. However, most therapists do those exceptions on the side as extra income above and beyond their “stable” office environment (be it chiro, spa, or stand alone).

Now, on one hand that’s awesome. At one point I commented to someone that it would be great if I had “all” of the buildings and was as busy as I could handle making a decent living. So this is literally a somewhat delayed manifestation of that.

On the other hand, “all of the buildings”, is not really all the buildings. There are many buildings that choose not to get involved in facilitating a connection between resident and therapist. You see, massage is still not considered medicine, and is barely gaining ground as Complimentary Alternative Medicine. So, it’s not covered, at all, hardly ever. Out of the approximately 30 well established buildings in the metro, there’s only 6 that have bothered to directly facilitate introducing therapists to the residents. There are only 2 of those that will actually intervene in the billing process, and only one of them for individual full weekly sessions. It’s just not worth their time, or at least as the corporate world perceives it. Furthermore, though insurance covering massage would dictate an exorbitant amount of paperwork, it would finally cause facilities to acknowledge it’s usefulness.

So, ultimately I end up contemplating the long term ramifications of this. It’s what I do. I see a work situation where there are 2 sides and I have to decide which side I want to invest time into.

So, I could take this building, add it to my schedule and proceed as she did, essentially just adding a few hours of work to my week, and call it done.

Or, I could pursue the aforementioned problem of buildings not dealing with massage and potentially create a situation where I would need to train  others and figure out the logistics of sub-contractors (short-term) and/or employees (long-term). Depending on the building environment, if I was able to convince others to be more on board, I might even then need someone to do paperwork/invoicing/client files, or some data system to automate it.

Essentially, I would have to market to buildings again from the stand point of this is why you should facilitate massage- of which the list is great in elder care. I have plenty of reasons why it’s a good thing not just for the resident, but also for the building itself. I would be educating the buildings on things I’ve facilitated in the past, which might even open up opportunities to do Continuing Ed with the staff (I’d need to pay NCBTMB extra to be able to do that in an official capacity).

Then I would probably have to interface with all of the massage schools in the metro to see if their elder care course was up to snuff to produce valid candidates for sub-contracting/employment. PROBABLY NOT, I went to a great massage school in Iowa, and it still didn’t cover elder care massage adequately, their course was mostly about meds, diseases that typically are seen in elderly, and the 3 basics: no heat, ice, or deep pressure. That’s all good information, but I learned so many things on the job, it’s not even funny. For instance, carrying around my table lasted all of a week before I realized it was more of a liability than a benefit, and I have probably at least a hundred examples similar to that.

Though I like the ramifications of success that come with the latter scenario, there’s part of me that likes the more laid back, mellow, lower stress of the former. Either way, I’m appreciating in myself the credence, insight, awareness, and trustworthiness that I’ve gained working in the environment. Nathan too, pointed out that I am proficient at what I do, professional with everyone, and experienced, which gives people a sense of confidence in my abilities. That definitely goes a long ways.  Essentially, I have mastered my current trade. I like acknowledging that I have mastered what I do. I also like knowing that I could potentially build what I do into a larger business with several staff members.

However, I’m not so sure that even on a larger scale that it would be profitable enough to make all the work worthwhile. Unfortunately, until people recognize all the myriad of benefits of massage as being very valid in a medical setting, and additionally eliminate the association between dollar and minute, massage will not be a very profitable endeavor. The only businesses that make money off of massage are paying their therapists like crap ($10-15/hr), and I refuse to do that, which means my profits would be slimmer. So I’d have a heavy labor intensive route to make a very little money. That is very counter to how I even got into elder care in the first place. I’ve not convinced myself it’s worth it yet.

However, I’ve not shut the door on that possibility either. I would love to see massage more widely accepted and less about dollar per minute, but to do that someone has to do the dirty work that I’ve described. In an ideal world I see massage billed to insurance just like a doctor or chiropractor. Fees based upon area(s) worked. A chiropractor bills insurance (or even cash visits) based upon how many adjustments were done, the more adjustments, the more expensive. There’s no reason a massage can’t be charged the same way.

There are residents I work with that I could do everything 10 times over and still not make an hours time because they are simply so frail and fragile that I can’t focus that intensely on their muscle tone. Those residents still get a full head to toe massage, they still get a full head to toe Reiki treatment, but I would be hard pressed to meet an hour. Additionally, they still benefit, their mood still shows improvement, their blood pressures stay lower, edema swelling is kept at bay, and they get enough movement to help stave off skin tears and bed sores. My job has been done, and done well, regardless if I’ve spent exactly 60 minutes rubbing them.

One the other hand I have had residents that an hour is simply not enough. Be it their particular health situation, perhaps their physical size, their mobility limitations necessitating extra help, and even situations involving anxiety or other mood disturbances. I once had a resident that I invested two and a half hours attempting to just get a fairly decent head to toe massage. At the end of that time I gave up with about 3/4 having been done, knowing that I would still only get paid for one hour.

For you see: massage is, even with elderly, defined as hands-on time only is paid by the hour. Whatever your rate is by the hour, is paid only based upon the time your had hands on the client. I have fought that very issue the whole 4+ years I’ve been in elder care. I don’t get paid for wandering a building trying to track people down. I don’t get paid waiting for Nurses’ Aids to accommodate someone’s mobility or restroom needs. I don’t get paid for redirecting their Dad’s/Grandpa’s verbal lapses and questionable activities. I don’t get paid for keeping loved ones from falling out of chairs or beds, or answering anxious cries for help. I don’t get paid for waiting for housekeeping, or the salon, or any one of several other therapy sessions to wrap up so that I can get my session in (being lowest on the totem pole), and I sure as heck don’t get paid for my drive time or expenses. Yet families still complain about my $40 whole visit or $20 half visit charge as being too vague because: grandma said she didn’t get all of her hour, or mom doesn’t even remember you coming, or that seems awfully pricey for such a short massage. Never mind, I travel to them, they never have to worry about expensive or inconvenient transportation scheduling.  I schedule around ALL of their other needs, even playing bridge with the girls. I bend over backwards to make sure that they are as comfortable as possible, and I limit needing to adjust or re-position them as much as possible, which often means fetching blankets and pillows and navigating any one of a number of different automatic beds or recliners. I’ve combed hair, cleaned faces and hands, I’ve helped Aids do their jobs, and I have fetched things for residents thousands of times, including drinks and food.

Now, I don’t say this to just complain about those aspects. I say this to point out the elephant in the room. That massage is billed at the “expensive” rates that it is because there are always behind the scenes things that would otherwise be “working for free”. Or, overhead would be uncovered, and businesses would fail repeatedly. I actually have the lowest fees of anyone in the metro. Perhaps that is how I slowly gained the monopoly. And I did it by eliminating as much as possible, cutting corners on my side where I could, and otherwise just eating the bullet knowing that I put in 36 to 48 hours a week and usually actually see pay for roughly half that. If it weren’t for the trade I do for my tax accountant, I probably would have failed years ago. Her skills with my tax return have ensured that I always remain afloat, just to make sure that other peoples’ dear ones are well cared for. That is my mission in life.

I have said millions of times over, my goal is always that the person I’m working with feels better when I leave than when I walked in and I always do my best to make that happen. Sometimes it is futility in action, sometimes it is an ever so short span of relief, but if I can even provide a little relief from the discomforts of aging, then I have done my job well. Now, I can say that I know this to have been true for the last 4 years, because I am the only therapist left standing. I’m the only one that had the fortitude, the knowledge, the strength (mentally and emotionally), and the stamina to keep going and keep helping when the odds were stacked against me. I managed to keep my costs down to encourage as many people to get massage as possible. I managed to learn quickly, stay focused, and help educate families and staff on the importance of massage. I’ve given talks, I’ve done free events, I’ve shaken thousands of hands, and I’ve given helpful advice when and where I could. All of that work has finally paid off, if not financially, at least metaphorically. I am the standard of care in Elder Care massage for the Kansas City Metro area. I am the only one left to turn to for advice, counsel, or appointments. So, I have to decide if it will end with me when I retire from massage, or if I will attempt to grow a business that will potentially not only keep Elder Massage going, but possibly gain better footing for the field and create expansion.

And all when I thought I was going to have some miracle allow me to move to Colorado and build Atira. Could life get any more confusing? Don’t answer that Universe! Maybe there’s a both answer lying in there for me somewhere…. I always have liked BOTH answers.