Tag Archives: graphite

Overcome Toxic

This is intended as a short post.

First:

Toxic is toxic, regardless of gender or sexual identity. I had the playlist (screenshot below) come across my notifications and I started to listen, giving up quickly. The second song was simply just too toxic for me. It’s from the viewpoint of ‘you shouldn’t date her because she’s _____’. It made my skin crawl.

My response if someone said that to me would likely be along the lines of shock and dismay. You can experience jealousy without tearing down the innocent bystander, I know because I have before. I internalized my jealousy, being that I was already struggling with depression, but the thought never occurred to me to attack another. Now with my history and my own journey, I’m to a point where I know better. If someone chooses another over me it’s just fine because I probably deserve better than they can offer me. I find I’m more sad for the last person that hurt me than for the loss of them. I wish better for them and growth for themselves.

Beyond shock and dismay there are several phrases that come to mind as good responses. “Well aren’t you high and mighty!”… “Your definition of beauty is awfully shallow!”… “Who are you to judge them?”… “You might be right, maybe I shouldn’t date them, but not for the reasons you gave, and it’s obvious I shouldn’t date you either.” …

Then I’d play Godsmack’s “Whatever” as loudly as possible: ” I’m doing the best I ever did, I’m doing the best that I can, now fucking go away!”

Lastly:

I worked on the Herky dog drawing some more and wanted to share. So far I have about 6 hours in, and it’s staying true to the time I invested in other high detailed work. I’m happy with the progress so far. First 3 shots are from before. The other 2 are this week’s progress.

May you know your worth and that you never need to attack another. May you have only blessing for our fellow human beings. May you find your way out of toxic behaviors and beliefs. May your growth benefit all those you encounter and our whole world. May you know your are loved and accepted as you are. May you help lift this world up. May you find wonderful creative outlets to produce beautiful things for this world. May we all know we are loved and supported by the divine; fully accepted as the human beings we are.

Om Shanti

Update: I just got home and Nathan showed me his labwork received at today’s monthly dialysis check-up. He’s doing much better. His Kt/V is much improved, but still has a ways to go, otherwise most of his numbers were much better and even had smiley faces next to them. It is validation of relief I have begun to notice, slow progress is still progress.

3 things.

I started 2 new art projects.

One is another small ink drawing for fun, I’ll probably finish on Saturday… Maybe the one after, we’ll see. It is of a Hamsa.

The other is a drawing of a furry friend of a really good and kind person that really needed a major pick-me-up. She just happens to be a friend and coworker and the person treating my husband weekly. Her dog is named Herky, short for Hercules, he was a gentle giant of yellow lab. She deserves a good image so I’m doing my best to be meticulous. I also know for certain that she will appreciate my work and treasure it, where past gifts to family were not (going back years).

Progress pics:

Thirdly, I felt the need to make a short-ish statement. I do not hate individuals working in medicine as a generalization. Most of them are doing their best with the information and tools they were trained on. They are all trained on specific rules and procedures in a specific system. I have several clients that are really good people doing their best in an effed up system, and are willing to admit the failings of their profession (s).

What I do hate is the system. I do hate the ones that half ass their jobs and don’t do things they know should be done. I do hate the ones that assume that everything they were trained on was all they ever needed to know, and write off anything else as being helpful. I hate the ones that learn the basics, but if the basics fail they have no idea what else to do. Those are the ones that do a great disservice to everyone they work with. Those are the people that could have killed me. I know without a shadow of a doubt that if I had done what those “medical professionals” had said was good enough, then I would already be dead.

Up until 7 years ago I danced with death more than I didn’t. Everything they had said had failed many times over and I had regularly contemplated suicide, and tried a half dozen times unsuccessfully. Their antidepressants did nothing to help. Metformin didn’t help. I was in serious pain mentally and physically and 300 pounds.

I needed a solution or I was going to die very young.

I did research on alternatives based on loose suggestions and friend’s, even stranger’s journies. I figured out, and started fixing, my own thyroid disease and then those doctors told me I was being dangerous. That iodine (an essential nutrient) was too risky, that I should just take a generic dose of synthroid and behave. It failed and I almost killed myself again, driving 90mph towards an overpass pylon, with my 3 month old child in the carseat behind me. Angels saved me and Ian that day.

I vowed to fix it, so my child never had to go through that.

And I’m getting there, not only an I healing my thyroid, I’m healing the root cause too. It’s slow, but sure as I’m sitting here writing this post, I am certain I am. Even without the precious IV treatments that would speed it up. I now have evidence to show for it.

I’m much smaller, only slightly lighter though, still holding at a little over 200, but much more muscle and much less fat. My skin stays clear, my mild dietary fails hurt less. My skin is shrinking slowly. And most of all, my dances with death are now very few and very far in between. My temper is still there but much less destructive, and I’m learning to control myself especially including my strength. I can’t even begin to convey how much more stable my brain function is and how much less dark it is than it used to be. I’m a better person in many ways. It is my proof.

Now I’m doing my best to teach my husband and children, to help them through their lives. Nathan already knew a lot of what I was doing and why, but now that he has increased reasons to try, he’s making an even more concerted effort to keep up with my standards for myself.

All of this has made me grateful that me and Ian almost died. I made a solmn vow and I intend to keep it.

I’m grateful that doctors failed me because I’ve proven that you can heal yourself and fix yourself with enough research, effort, and loving support. I’m grateful that I had just enough inspired moments to keep me alive and keep me trying again and again. I’m grateful that the divine has guided me though a very difficult and complex set of bodily functions to unravel my health concerns and point me towards healing. I’m grateful that even though I’m unable to accomplish the IV treatments, that I’m smart enough to figure out the next best things. I’m grateful that I’ve strengthened my willpower to be able to stick to things enough to help heal my body. I’m grateful for all of it, because it shows everyone aware of me, that there is always an alternative and there is always a solution- if you stay open to it.

May you see the scary and upsetting moments in your life in the best light. May you know your worth and that your efforts really have mattered. May you find your healing. May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Thank you gift complete.

One of my clients gave me a wonderful Christmas gift, and she’s a good woman going through a lot of challenges. I didn’t expect anything from her, let alone everything she gave.

So, I asked her to text me a picture of her pooch. She had talked about him before, especially mentioning he was getting old enough he can’t handle walks anymore. I thought it would be a great thank you to draw a picture of him. So this is just me posting start to finish of the drawing.

The image she sent:

My drawing progression:

Final Image:

I just have to trim it down to the frame I have, and then the gift is complete. It was done on 9×12 paper, and my frame is 8×10, that’s why it’s off-set.

Specs: charcoal, graphite, and white pastel pencil on 9×12 Strathmore Bristol paper.

May you have good creative moments to end a crazy year and start a new one. May you find peace in your experience.