Tag Archives: grateful

Alrighty Then

So, there’s been conflict with the housemate we’re trying to help. I was already aware that some people psychologically have difficulty changing, even with help. It’s why I was adamant that Atira have a psychiatrist and/or therapist on staff to help narrow prospective candidates and then assist them with mental-health therapy as part of the assistance program.

However, I am utilizing this situation to be the next step of Atira Junior. I willingly decided to help this person and invited everything that they are into my home. This latest moment is just helping me see my next step and the progress and learning I have already done.

Our housemate is so entrenched in victimhood that she is doing her best to continue that theme with us even though we are literally supplying nearly everything she needs and have been for two solid months. She is also so entrenched in manipulative situations that she has tried to pit Nathan and I against one another. She’s so used to people taking advantage of her, and defending herself through manipulation that it is the only route she knows right now.

It makes for tricky territory for us, and makes me feel a tinge of sadness for her.

Fortunately, Nathan and I have survived several other situations that had already given us valuable learning lessons in this area. As a result we both caught it right away. We both chose to watch our own words and actions very carefully. We have both talked to each other repeatedly to ensure we are on the same page.

So, now I’m left with having to set written expectations. I am drafting a guideline for her to continue to stay with us, including goal time-frames regarding her employment, transportation and seeking mental-health therapy. I am including in said document all of the many resources that I have offered her repeatedly, starting from before she even left the hospital. The document unfortunately will include statements about consequences if she fails to meet any or especially all of the goals.

I do have a fine line between between providing assistance and feeling that I am being used. This document is intended to delineate that line, and my expectation that behaviors do not progress into using us for personal gain. If behaviors do, she will be asked to leave immediately.

As for me in the now, regarding this post, I wish to focus on the positives and my gratitude for this situation arising.

  • I am grateful that I am able to help someone stay off the street and be in a safe place.
  • I am grateful that I do know and/or have resources available to help those in the worst situations.
  • I am grateful that Nathan and I really did learn from our past and know how to handle this situation better.
  • I am grateful I have all of the tools to refocus and make strides to improvement in an unpleasant moment.
  • I am seeing my progress more and more.
  • I’m thankful now for experiences 14 years ago, that at the time hurt greatly, but are preventing disaster in the now.
  • I am grateful that less and less I’m falling for other’s manipulative actions.
  • I am grateful for my intelligence to learn from negative moments to be able to create better in the future. I am able to learn from life itself, and do not need a teacher (though sometimes the easy route of teacher/student is nice).
  • I am grateful that I have put so much effort into my spiritual education and growth, it is definitely helping me in the now. Again, having accomplished that without a physical guide or teacher is huge. I still do not “belong” to any current organized religion, but I am definitely seeing my path as divinely guided.
  • I am grateful that I have the technology to help accommodate the needs of this situation.
  • I am grateful that I am finally the one in control, and able to craft measured responses to continue assistance in certain terms and framework.
  • I am intensely, massively, appreciative that I have gained enough control of my mental faculties, that even with external influences and energetic turbulence, I have been able to maintain a mostly level head and make very conscious choices and watchy words more carefully than in my past.
  • I am grateful that I can see my efforts to provide assistance, despite another trying to twist a tale of victimization.
  • I am glad that I know how to mitigate that tale and return the responsibility to her court.
  • I am glad that I can maintain sight of the bigger picture even in a very frustrating moment.

I hope that I am able to successfully clear this hurdle and refocus the situation to continued progress.

May you all have moments of appreciation for your learning and growth. May you see where past traumas can benefit you. May you always see the most positive and beneficial route and solutions. May you appreciate all of your learning lessons and the tools which you have gained from them. May you see your own growth and development. May you know that God loves and supports you in all of your journey, even the extra challenging bits. May you know the more challenging something is the more rewarding the outcome can be.

Om Shanti and Many Blessings

*The title picture is a birch tree from my lunchtime walk today. Birch trees represent new beginnings and also communication (native americans and early settlers used to use birch bark for paper). I felt that was fitting for this situation and the post itself.

Moving Stillness

Cars rush by
Construction sounds
Hum of equipment
Heat wafting on my face
Sunbeams cast long angular glows
My socked feet touching cold floor
Salt lamp glowing
Hands touch skin
Elbows find knots
Gentle holiday piano
Sounds grace my ears
Oils' smell
Frankincense, Myrh, Sandalwood
Grounding and healing
Good anytime
Fitting for the now
Reminder of holiday blessings
Sensing energy
Obliterating tension
Stillness of mind
Body in motion
Providing relief
For another
Finding relief
For self
The present
The moment
My gift
To myself
My love
For me
Even in motion
~Treasa Cailleach

I didn’t realize.

I don’t know if it was the adjustment to my Om Shanti mantra practice, or if the chaos subsiding was enough to let in messages. All I know is I’ve had one.

I’ve heard of references to “downloads” and I suppose this would fit. For me it’s more like my mind is keenly aware of certain moments or memories and how they fit together. Just like when you are placing puzzle pieces and you have the “AH, That’s where it goes” moment.

I was not aware that I was accomplishing what others would deem impossible or near impossible, but that is the message I got.

I was having a conversation with someone that has had dealings in the drug world and is doing their best to get back to clean living. They were explaining how hard it is to get by in this world, and expressing exasperation over the difficulties. They explained that when they were dealing drugs they were bringing in 5 to 6 grand a month and it was not really enough for their situation, but they also said that their previous acceptable clean job topped out at about 3 grand a month and that was when they were married and had a two income household.
They were essentially explaining how expensive it is to live in America right now and meet the demands of just regular survival.

A long while later, I remembered a conversation with my father where he pointed out that he was making $55/hour when we were kids. I had simply responded that is what I make, but I can’t handle 40 hours a week of hands on time, so I don’t draw the full salary that he did. It’s also why I keep doing other things on the side to supplement my massage income, and thus work constantly.

My “download” showed me that my father was a salaried engineer with benefits, and he couldn’t afford to keep us in a solid safe home, our home was a mobile-home trailer. He could never figure out finances well enough to do many of the things I have done. He had spent a massive amount of money moving our family all over the Midwest chasing the next best job that hardly ever actually was. When he wasn’t spending money on moving us, he developed a porn addiction and racked up thousands of dollars in credit card bills which caused conflict when mom had to try and pay them off more than once.

Then this new conversation, the person is a single person living in the same area that I am. They too can’t make 5 grand go far enough. They are only supporting themselves and still have nothing to show for it. No savings, a repossessed car, and nothing to catch their fall.

Now, I don’t really have anything to catch my fall except myself and God and $250 in stocks. But it’s been enough for a decade, and I’m going to trust it will continue to be enough.

I have however supported an entire family on what I make for 11 years, even though that family has grown. When that journey started I was making less than $25,000/year. I currently make about the same level of income that the ex-drug-dealer was bringing in, topping out at about $5500 on a good month. Yet I have bought a good solid safe home, I have managed to find us a really good second vehicle and keep our first old car running. I keep my kids clothed and the whole family fed. I keep the utilities on and running. I even manage to get basic entertainment and holiday decorations for my family covered, and every once in a while we get to eat out. AND I still offered a room in our home to a woman that needed it, free of charge until she can get her normal back.

Now, I have on several occasions put too much on credit cards, and had to spend awhile paying them down, but I did, and it was never because of an addiction. I have also spent most of my adult life relying on second hand thrift stores for much of our necessities, but I’ve gotten really good at finding the beautiful gems in the sea of well worn and tattered choices. AND I only relied on government assistance the first year after Nathan was diagnosed with his heart stuff.

I have and continue to support myself and 5 other people, on what two others told me was not enough. I have always known that our budget was tight. I have always struggled to try and find a few more dollars here and there, hoping it would enable me to be able to fulfill desires for someone in my family. I have worked as hard as I simply could, to be able to make things better for my family in any way I could figure out.

And mostly I have. Our home is beautiful to me. I love it a lot. It’s not my dream dome, but it is very literally the best home I’ve ever had. I am so very grateful to be able to go there every night and sleep in a comfortable bed, knowing my entire family is safe and comfortable. I am so grateful that it is the safe reprieve for my family, and that they can do all of the things we call a part of life from there. I am grateful that my children are being educated there, and avoiding all of the covid nonsense affecting public education. I am grateful that I have managed to supply TV’s and toys for my family and kids, it keeps them entertained through long days of Covid restrictions and bad weather too.

I am grateful for all of it, and I know that there are certain elements that God did help me with. God guided me to the right choices and when my patience wore thin, I would always get a break or a boost from somewhere. I wish I was able to allow more, I would love for bigger relief and less work, but I am very grateful for what I have managed to allow.

On top of it all, I have slowly chipped at healing myself. Only Nathan by my side to help (worthless doctors only pretending to). Again, I’m not fully there, and wish I could find a way to allow more. BUT, I have still accomplished a lot. When you consider my aforementioned financial hurdles and accomplishments, and then layer on top of that that I have mostly overcome debilitating depression, given birth to two children at home, and slowly rebuilt my body- I really should be congratulating myself more. I know that God has helped me with that too. God has guided me to try supplements or having conversations with people that fill in blanks and answer questions I needed answers to. God had given me the gift of Reiki and some nights it turns on and works for me without any effort. God has helped me find pain relief and enabled me to work in a clinic similar to my dreams, so that I had access to even more tools to improve me health. I’m not an Abercrombie model, I’m not a professional athlete, but I am pretty damn healthy and strong considering the challenges I have faced my entire life. I know I still have a ways to go, but my recent “download” made it clear that I need to appreciate how far I’ve already come.

I have kicked some major ass in both finances and health, and with no one but Nathan supporting me. He did his best too, sometimes that was a bigger challenge for him because of his health journey, but he has stuck by me. Not only has he been there for emotional support, but he has followed my lead and everything that I try to do, he puts equal effort into. If I change my diet, or exercise regimen, he matches suit. If I note something is imbalanced in finances and we’re having trouble keeping up, he helps me figure out how to make the scales balance again. He puts as much effort into everything as I do, and for that I am utterly grateful. I love you Nathan.

May you see your accomplishments. May you understand how far you have come. May you see your value to others. May you see that you are successfully doing your best and setting a good example. May you understand that God is as appreciative of us as we are of the divine. May you find ways to allow even more and even better into your life.

Om Shanti.