With everything going on and not writing, my body is accumulating the stress too much. Even with all my other tricks, I feel like I have 10 tons piled on my shoulders. It doesn’t help I’ve had all the allergens this week and that too pissed my body off.
That being said I acknowledge that I need to empty in all the ways, and it just takes time. I’m doing my best to accomplish that as usual.
I am super grateful for the help I have received this week.
Both work locations were kind enough to help ensure shifts we’re covered. Shifts at the clinic were so last minute that the office staff just had to call all my clients and reschedule them. I hope the clients are understanding. The other job I tried the phone tree and failed, having to relegate to management to solve my inability to come in.
The homeschool group provided several meals and funds for several more via “MealTrain.com”. One parent sent their teen to help ours wrangle kids on Friday and Saturday, and then the same parent took everyone to the zoo on Monday. Another parent helped with logistics of getting Nathan home after discharge.
The office staff has been very supportive as well. Hugs and genuine concern from everyone has been expressed, and they are encouraging me to care for me too. The chiropractor adjusted me even though his schedule is packed, and the acupuncturist is treating me here in a little while, and her offer stands for Nathan while the port heals. I can’t express how much that means to me.
I am so overwhelmed that I’ve cried on nearly everyone, and those that didn’t get tears could probably tell I was doing my best to hold them in. It’s an odd combination of too much piled on me, but also overwhelming relief because the last time I went through this I had no one. Of course, at that point we only had Anya part time, so my load is 4 times as great now with extra kids, pets and work. Just knowing others genuinely care and want to help is tear provoking. It’s literally the two extremes simultaneously.
Even our poochy has been good. When Nathan got home Zen didn’t jump or hug as usual. He sat to get petted and sniffed Nathan’s incisions and port through his shirt. He knew daddy was hurting bad and was being an extra good dog giving loves without being rough. It made both of us cry.
The hyper sensitivity is getting us, and I’m officially exhausted not having had a recuperation day in a solid month. Questionable moments aside, because we had/have help, I think I will make it through.
For those of you aware and following, thank you for your prayers and support. My world is committed and challenging, but the uplifting energy helps me immensely at times. This is one of several posts to empty my brain, and all comments are welcome, feel free to spread the reading love out. The posts won’t disappear.
May you find your stress relief efforts are adequate. May you have the support you need around you always. May you know you don’t have to carry it alone. May you understand that others care for you and want well-being for you. May you understand the significance of everything. May you give yourself a break, and care for yourself especially in tough times.
I’m mulling over my decisions this week, somewhat agonizing over my choices.
The one that started it was my decision to deal with a dead tree and insects threatening my home. I could have not done that, and gotten Nathan and I both, the IV treatments. But doing the tree means one of us has to sit and wait longer. I chose myself to wait.
My reasoning was complex. First, I really value my own health, and really, really want to heal all the way. If you don’t have your health, then you don’t have much. Plus, the rule used in airline safety definitely applies elsewhere: “Take care of yourself first, so you can stay alive to help others/children.” It’s super important to be able to stay alive and be helpful to others, it’s our duty in living all of life in it’s entirety, not just for emergencies. It is how we give love back to the divine.
Yet at the same time, I know I have worked like crazy on my health. I may not have healed fully, but I have shown some improvement. My face/skin is consistently clear, I have fewer allergy symptoms across the board, and my body is fitting well in smaller clothes now. It may not be congratulations worthy, but my improvement tells me that I am already headed towards healing, and waiting longer for a treatment isn’t going to kill me. It’s merely annoying and frustrating.
I’m more upset that I can’t manage the whole family being treated all at once. I’m concerned that if I only do part of the family, then there is risk of reinfection/repopulating the virus(es). I may get one or two of us better and it not last long enough to get the rest of us better. In which case treatment was a waste of money, which is still unfortunately scarce in my world- I just wish money were more abundant for me/us.
But my home is also really, really important. It keeps, not just me safe, it keeps a whole family of 5 people safe. It is the refuge for my husband and kids. It keeps all our pets safe too. It is where we share meals and entertainment and LOVE. I have worked so damn hard just to get a truly safe home, that the idea of anything harming that, feels like a personal attack. I know it’s not, but I simply am not okay with going backwards because I didn’t pay for a tree to get cut down.
So I definitely leaned towards tree first and then maybe a treatment.
Yet, then I was literally on the fence about whether or not to treat Nathan or sit on what was left until there was more to add to it. I really would prefer to do the whole family at once, it’s safer and more reliable that way. We would be more likely to have long-term positive results for all of us.
Besides, there is no one of us that is more deserving than another. We are all doing our best. I was infected as a child, I was just being a kid, I never deserved the damage it did, or the decades of heartache, misdiagnosis, and problems. And I was already doing my best to get better when my kids caught it. They had no say, no decision in that, they didn’t deserve it any more than I did. And Nathan, I may have given it to him not long after I met him, regardless he definitely has it now, and I didn’t want to give him anything bad. I love him and have since I met him. I want good things for him, and have spent 11 years doing my best to help him get healthier too. We’ve done everything that came our way, we’ve changed diets and exercised and taken gaggles of supplements, vitamins and minerals. We’ve even gradually gotten better at managing stress in our lives and meditating. None of us deserves more than another, and none of us deserved to catch the damn virus. But, Nathan is not doing well, he is the farthest from health. The rest of us have a fighting chance all on our own, and he’s just trying not to drown already.
I really am worried about him, and I know worry doesn’t help, so I’m doing my best not to think about it. It’s just so damn difficult when, you are told that the only person in your adult life to show true unconditional love, is doing worse health-wise, and it is likely because of a virus or two that you gave them.
I caught Epstein-Barr as a kid, but I caught mystery-virus (aka covid) at work. I brought them both to my family, and I was just trying to be a good girl and do what I was supposed to do. I was trying to help them by doing my job to pay bills, by being a good mom and wife. I just wanted to take care of my family and doing it alone was really hard. I don’t know how to live with that, and I don’t know how to fix it other than try the damned iv treatment.
So, Nathan is going to get treated first to hopefully fix his journey as much as possible and maybe pull him out of the nosedive. The rest of us will happen when it happens, and I’ll keep doing what I’m doing to glean even baby steps of progress for the rest of us.
I just don’t know how to make anything else happen. This I can do. I had really hoped god would help, but after 11 years of doing my best, and to get told the things I heard the last two weeks, it’s pretty obvious it’s not likely.
I’m grateful for the clinic and the help and support I have gotten there and from all my co-staff. It is helping me keep my shreds of sanity. I am grateful that I can work with quiet stillness to help me focus on positives.
I’m grateful that I know how to reach for better and reach for solutions. I’m grateful for my meditation time. I am grateful that I have solved vast portions of my puzzle and that I at least have a worthy goal.
I wish I could do both the tree and all of us getting treatment. I wish the damned viruses hadn’t even affected us to begin with, or that they barely touched us. I wish we were all healthy again and the tree was already solved. I wish I had the loving supportive poly/extended family I have long desired. I wish my life and my efforts mattered to God. I wish my prayers mattered. I wish that I was good enough…
I keep trying and I’ll keep pulling up. “I’m not dead yet!” -Monty Python
There’s always a next step, there’s always something else to do or be done. There’s always the next best possibility, the next best thing. Maybe cannabis-based products will be that answer when I finally have legal access to them, they have healed seizures for little kids, what’s virus damage compared to that?!
There are other topics that came to mind when I chose to write this post (poly-family, my sexuality, desires for love/lovers, etc.), but I think you get the idea with just this one moment.
I seldom glaze over anything, and nearly always over-think everything, wanting the best outcome possible. My heart is often aching to be able to solve a both situation, because I rarely am 100% comfortable with my choice. If I could rewrite my worldview, I would eliminate scarcity and replace it with genuine abundance in all areas. That is usually the mechanism behind my agony and feeling like I must choose something other than both. I want both more often.
May you see the mechanisms hindering your progress. May you understand that there are always reasons for wanting both. May you understand that if you want both it is because both genuinely have meaning for you, sometimes even more than you realize. May you find ways to accommodate both no matter what the situation. May you release worry and find ways to reach for better. May you know you are loved and supported, and God is trying to help, but we’re the ones in our own way. May you see evidence of that love and support all around you.
Cover photo is from our walk yesterday evening. Below you’ll find pictures from my walk at lunch today, and last night.
Nathan was informed today that he needs to begin dialysis to ensure his kidneys are able to keep up with his body and hopefully prolong functionality for many years to come. Doctors made suggestions for options to accommodate being at home, since he has two young children. We have lots of things to figure out over the next few days to couple of weeks. He is technically under the disability umbrella, but we’ve never received the rest of the details on what that means, so he likely has a whole bunch of paperwork before any treatment is carried out.
On one hand this is not the news we would have wanted. On the other hand, they are acting premptively to try and ensure he lives until his children are adults, and possibly even years beyond that. Something I rarely actually see in Western Medicine, most of the experiences that come across my awareness are about making money treating symptoms, not genuinely trying to help or correct problems. Though this is technically just treating a symptom, it’s still in the vein of preventitave measures, so at least that’s something.
I’m also very grateful that I work at a clinic with an acupuncturist. I’m hoping I can make arrangements for regular acupuncture to also help his organ function. We’ll see. I know Acupuncture can do amazing things, but I don’t know how much would be needed for this particular ‘impaired kidney function’ category.
I’m very appreciative he has never been a heavy drinker or drug addict. He has actually be kind to his body compared to many people.
He also expressed appreciation to me for having guided him towards trying to heal his body when heart disease struck. He admitted if it hadn’t been for all of my efforts from the beginning, that he would be worse off now. I expressed appreciation that he joined me in our mutual healing journey.
We have both worked very hard to improve our health over the years, and my only disappointment is that with everything we’ve done we’re still having this moment. I do acknowledge that if we hadn’t been so diligent, it likely would have come many years sooner.
Even though this stirs deep concern in me, there is a ray of hope still, and things could definitely be worse.
I am grateful I am gainfully employed.
I am grateful that he may qualify for care and coverage at low and possibly no cost to me/us.
I am grateful he might be able to receive these treatments at home.
I am grateful we have a safe home for our family regardless.
I am grateful we have made it through this crazy crappy year okay.
I am grateful that we have loving cuddly pets to help ease these moments of concern.
I am grateful we have plenty of healthy food and access to supplements and other tools that help boost general health.
I am grateful we both exercise regularly.
I am grateful we have put so much work into our selves. This is only validation that there is more work that can be done.
I am grateful that this is not a dire situation, in fact the doctor told him that it was caught early enough that there is plenty of time to try multiple treatment options if needed.
I am grateful that I do have some level of support network, it may not be vast nor as strong as I has hoped, but at least there are some people in my life that can help if absolutely needed.
I am grateful that I am capable enough to handle all of the challenges that we have faced as a family. This is just yet another, in a long string, stretching through the last 16 years. I survived all the others, and we will likely survive this one too.
I am grateful that disability did go through, even though it never cleared fully, it will still help navigate this hurdle.
It will be okay.
I am okay.
And moments that call for it can default to “Free and Easy Wanderer” or cannabis products, they will get me through anything that is too much for me in the moment. I am grateful that I have access to those tools to help with my own stability and health, when I fail to control it on my own.
Everything is and will be all right.
May you know that everything is going to be okay. May you know that some people do care and are doing their best to help. May you know that things could always be worse. May you find things to appreciate and find gratitude over. May you know you are okay and that you have all the tools you need. May you find comfort and solace, even if it requires herbal assistance. Above all may you know that God loves and supports you.