Tag Archives: grief

Mortality

I hide it well but am grieving. I have not lost anyone in a permanent way yet.

Part of my grief is my learning lessons from my trip to Connecticut. Knowing I don’t fit with my family, that I’m too different from them. I am grieving that my hopes were wasted, that even though they are my own genetic and learned behavior stew, I have grown too much to fit with them. I have learned to respect myself enough to just walk away instead of trying to win them over or make them hear me. But it sucks to walk away from family, especially when I really do love them.

It doesn’t help that I know: my father is actively dieing, my mom wants to be and is ignoring things that most would suggest to get checked out, and my brother is loosing his health because what doctors said to do didn’t work since the root cause was never addressed. That is 3 of my family members that may not be alive many more days, months, or years.

So I’m acknowledging that I don’t fit and I’m choosing to respect myself enough to refuse to subject myself to their disapproval anymore, but it is likely something that may soon be irreversible. It’s extra hard to make that choice.

I just know I deserve better and must do my best to keep growing and healing. Anything that hinders that must be released.

That knowing has me thinking about a lot of things in my life. All the people I care about and care for, and how some of it weighs me down and causes physical pain for me because I let them into my Energetic awareness enough. It’s hard to carry all of that all the time, and my most successful meditations recently have been ones where I manage to let go of all of it for a while. It is all dragging me down when I’m fighting tooth and nail to climb up.

It makes me want to run quite frequently, but then I acknowledge that my sensitivities will travel with me. Physical distance does nothing to solve a problem based in Energetic awareness. Yet I am not aware of the solution for my situation, or even anyone that has gone through this particular variation.

How do you fix something there are no answers for?

There is not a solution for Epstein Barr. There is no solution for Covid long-haulers. There is no solution to knowing you are likely to loose a large portion of your family in a relatively short span of time. There is no solution to being the black sheep of the family. There is no solution to fix it all.

Or is there?

Meditation is the closest I have found, and I am no monk. I hope that all my hopes are founded, and that my meditations really are enough to let the solutions and healing in.

So, I distance myself, I let go of others and grieve, and then I meditate.

Sometimes the grief takes longer than others, and it frequently repeats. The only solution for the grief is all the other solutions appearing or simple just giving myself enough time. It is a process all its own.

Bare with me if I don’t make sense. Forgive me for ramblings. Forgive me for stupid posts where I’m just sharing the one bright spot I found. I’m doing all the things to bail my boat and survive.

May you find your way through grief. May you never be tortured by a knowing of impending death. May you know you are loved and accepted just as you are by biological and chosen family. May you manage to always respect yourself first. May you have all the solutions you seek. Above all may you know the divine loves and supports you in all that you do, not just when you’re happy, even when you’re grieving, angry, frustrated or drunk (all of those emotions apply to me just today).

Om Shanti

Even open minds experience grief. 

I would have thought with my super accepting views on death, that I would have escaped grief. 

Apparently not.

In the past when I’ve lost a favorite resident-client, I would get a little droopier for a day or two.  I thought it was just the ‘missing them’ factor.  Which I suppose is a mild form of grief. 

Today has sucked though.  Even with Nate’s post-mortem visit Wednesday night/ Thursday morning, I’m feeling the loss.

He was a good man that did his best for his family. He was a good friend.  When I was faced with the crap on the news today, I thought why do the good ones die and leave us behind.  Why can’t the assholes of the world like Trump be the ones getting cancer and dieing? In that moment the world seemed so unbalanced and unfair.
I found myself being frustrated,  being sad,  being angry.  I took the messenger app off my phone thinking my friend was never to text me again,  giving up. I wanted to throw in the towel.

I found a quiet room at work. Dropped my head to the table and cried. 

After crying I found my breath and resumed my work.  Didn’t want to, just went through the motions for a bit. Zoned out to keep moving. At one point I got a mental image of an older woman on oxygen and thought of one of my previous residents Elanor. She was smiling at me,  and so I said “Thank you Elanor”. 

Then late in the day,  just before leaving work,  the universe (or Nate or the lady I thought was Elanor maybe) surprised me. 

 I was gifted a pile of beautiful new clothing that was from a co-worker’s recently deceased mom who had a penchant for overspending & not using what was bought. The clothes were very pretty, so much so that I would have gasped in delight  if I’d found  them at a thrift store. Then, to discover they are my current size and most still had their original sales tags on  them. It was wonderful. 

It was a good  and needed distraction. I look forward to showing them to my Nathan.

After that I sat down and played piano for the handful of people milling around-  a few residents & 3 employees. It was more for me than them, but they congratulated me and spoke of how beautiful it was for them.  That also helped.

I’m now at the Y doing my treadmill while I write this.  I think it’ll help too. I’ve reinstalled the messenger app so my friend will still be able to message me.  I do believe he’s wanting to, but either struggling himself or genuinely busy. I just need a little patience to round out my day. 
The grief will pass,  and I know how much his family must be feeling this intensely. I will send them prayers and Reiki. It will be ok. 

Intensity & contemplation

Intensity: 

I’ve been receiving messages for a while now. If  you’ve been reading my blogs, you might know better than I how long. Some of those messages I’ve said what I believe them to mean.  Others I admitted stumped me.

One such set, I was half afraid was telling me my Nathan was going to die. They included references to DR, & ER, & 8X (which I took as infinitely crossed). There was always an N or N8 with them, and 530 was common as well as 37.  It freaked me out and Nathan and I had several conversations about “you have to promise me you’ll stick around”.

Well yesterday, I found out that our friend Nate who’d gotten cancer from the horrible preservative he was responsible for at his former work- BHTQ, had passed away on May 30th. He was 37 years old. 

I was astounded,  I realized the messages had just been validated.  All of them.  Even though I have yet to understand what some of them mean. I said a prayer for Nate and his wife and kids.  I thanked whomever was sending the messages and promised I’d do my best to interpret better. I thanked “them” for even sending/ providing the messages to me. I was beside myself,  no words. 

Later that night,  I awoke with a wonderful intensity. I felt great joy,  happiness, relief, all at once. I knew Nate had woke me up. I felt a twinge of sadness,  over leaving his  family and the wake of grief it caused.  Yet there was such an overpowering relief of “I feel so much better”. It was so intense I shook with excitement. It must have been an actual physical shake because Ian stirred beside me wanting a bottle. 

As I floundered in the kitchen trying to find the bits of bottle, still shaking,  I exclaimed “a little help here”. It was like one pot in the dirty dishes pile was highlighted,  & as soon as I moved it I found the missing package of bottle nipples.

Upon returning to bed,  Ian took the bottle of milk & drank himself back to sleep. I layed down,  head swimming with amazement thinking I needed to be up in 4 hours. At that moment I felt a tug on my arm. Being trained in Unwinding, I  automatically followed the tug.  My arm slowly and uncomfortable began to reach backward (massage therapists spend all their time reaching forward,  so the reverse is always tight). Then much more easily and gracefully reached forward and upward. The message just clicked,  a knowing.  Reaching to the past can be uncomfortable because of past hurts and “failures”, reaching forward is easier and ok.  Just keep reaching for the better things and times in the future. 

I knew the message wasn’t just for me. Though I benefited,  I knew I had to let his wife know.  I thanked Nate & said you know I need to be up in less than 4 hours,  I’ll tell her.  & I felt like he hugged me & left. I texted Nathan about  it since he was still out working & then went back to sleep.  Very sound sleep. 

When I woke in the morning I messaged his wife about it.  As I was reading my words to my Nathan we both felt an overwhelming sensation- I would describe as gratitude and relief and love all mixed together.  It made me cry. I hope my words help her and the rest of the family.

Nathan started laughing and smiling.  He told me “No, you’re not psychic!” I said “I’m not.  If I were a psychic I’d  have understood the message before he passed.”  He just said “maybe that was the point this time”. I didn’t have  a response. The rest of the morning I just kept feeling the need to sigh. Over and over again. Big intense sighs.

I’m grateful for Nate’s visit and his message,  I’m grateful for all the other messages “they” have given me. It’s simply astounding. I’m sad Nate is gone,  he was a great guy, & I know the grief everyone that loved him feels. I’m glad he’s found peace & relief. I’m a bit overwhelmed with the whole interaction & sensation, it was very intense & I still don’t have full vocabulary to  describe it. At a loss for words. 

Contemplation:

One of the messages I’ve been receiving seems to imply my desires for Atira will be met soon. How soon,  I’m not sure. The divine functions on a different time scale than we do,  so soon might still be a while from my perspective. 

Anyway,  in contemplating having Atira, I’m working on figuring out logistical concerns.  I’ve acknowledged, through massage therapy & other life interactions, there are people that:

1) take a little help & run with it doing great things

2) more slowly absorb help and eventually create change,  but may need lots of reminders or encouragement or help problem solving the details

3) want the help, but fail to implement said help at all, and thus repeat their sad cycle relentlessly, often with many an excuse as to why they failed

In Atira, I’m primarily looking to help the homeless that fall in the first 2 categories.  Where even if the process is slow,  my time, energy,  and resources will ultimately be well worth it. 

The 3rd group I would probably refer to the typical resources already available. 

My problem is I have yet to figure out which is which until I’ve spent a significant amount of time interacting with people. So there in lies my contemplation.  How does one tell quickly if someone will take useful advice and help,  and apply it to their lives, even if slowly; vs not at all. How does one weed out the excuses people, to  be able to maximize ones resources actually helping those that would benefit? 

On that I don’t have an answer yet.  It will come.