She was never
Bands of vows
& Chains of
Any of it
Of all of it
Is no more
Of her victory
A great tree
Or in a big pond
Or in the ocean
In my mind
In my heart
Rest in peace Miss Priss. My priskers is no longer in the physical world. I love her and will miss her. November 2001 to April 2022
May you know that you will connect with beloved pets again. May you know any unwanted loss is really only temporary separation. May you accept grief as a process of acceptance, no matter where it applies. May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.
I hide it well but am grieving. I have not lost anyone in a permanent way yet.
Part of my grief is my learning lessons from my trip to Connecticut. Knowing I don’t fit with my family, that I’m too different from them. I am grieving that my hopes were wasted, that even though they are my own genetic and learned behavior stew, I have grown too much to fit with them. I have learned to respect myself enough to just walk away instead of trying to win them over or make them hear me. But it sucks to walk away from family, especially when I really do love them.
It doesn’t help that I know: my father is actively dieing, my mom wants to be and is ignoring things that most would suggest to get checked out, and my brother is loosing his health because what doctors said to do didn’t work since the root cause was never addressed. That is 3 of my family members that may not be alive many more days, months, or years.
So I’m acknowledging that I don’t fit and I’m choosing to respect myself enough to refuse to subject myself to their disapproval anymore, but it is likely something that may soon be irreversible. It’s extra hard to make that choice.
I just know I deserve better and must do my best to keep growing and healing. Anything that hinders that must be released.
That knowing has me thinking about a lot of things in my life. All the people I care about and care for, and how some of it weighs me down and causes physical pain for me because I let them into my Energetic awareness enough. It’s hard to carry all of that all the time, and my most successful meditations recently have been ones where I manage to let go of all of it for a while. It is all dragging me down when I’m fighting tooth and nail to climb up.
It makes me want to run quite frequently, but then I acknowledge that my sensitivities will travel with me. Physical distance does nothing to solve a problem based in Energetic awareness. Yet I am not aware of the solution for my situation, or even anyone that has gone through this particular variation.
How do you fix something there are no answers for?
There is not a solution for Epstein Barr. There is no solution for Covid long-haulers. There is no solution to knowing you are likely to loose a large portion of your family in a relatively short span of time. There is no solution to being the black sheep of the family. There is no solution to fix it all.
Or is there?
Meditation is the closest I have found, and I am no monk. I hope that all my hopes are founded, and that my meditations really are enough to let the solutions and healing in.
So, I distance myself, I let go of others and grieve, and then I meditate.
Sometimes the grief takes longer than others, and it frequently repeats. The only solution for the grief is all the other solutions appearing or simple just giving myself enough time. It is a process all its own.
Bare with me if I don’t make sense. Forgive me for ramblings. Forgive me for stupid posts where I’m just sharing the one bright spot I found. I’m doing all the things to bail my boat and survive.
May you find your way through grief. May you never be tortured by a knowing of impending death. May you know you are loved and accepted just as you are by biological and chosen family. May you manage to always respect yourself first. May you have all the solutions you seek. Above all may you know the divine loves and supports you in all that you do, not just when you’re happy, even when you’re grieving, angry, frustrated or drunk (all of those emotions apply to me just today).
I would have thought with my super accepting views on death, that I would have escaped grief.
In the past when I’ve lost a favorite resident-client, I would get a little droopier for a day or two. I thought it was just the ‘missing them’ factor. Which I suppose is a mild form of grief.
Today has sucked though. Even with Nate’s post-mortem visit Wednesday night/ Thursday morning, I’m feeling the loss.
He was a good man that did his best for his family. He was a good friend. When I was faced with the crap on the news today, I thought why do the good ones die and leave us behind. Why can’t the assholes of the world like Trump be the ones getting cancer and dieing? In that moment the world seemed so unbalanced and unfair.
I found myself being frustrated, being sad, being angry. I took the messenger app off my phone thinking my friend was never to text me again, giving up. I wanted to throw in the towel.
I found a quiet room at work. Dropped my head to the table and cried.
After crying I found my breath and resumed my work. Didn’t want to, just went through the motions for a bit. Zoned out to keep moving. At one point I got a mental image of an older woman on oxygen and thought of one of my previous residents Elanor. She was smiling at me, and so I said “Thank you Elanor”.
Then late in the day, just before leaving work, the universe (or Nate or the lady I thought was Elanor maybe) surprised me.
I was gifted a pile of beautiful new clothing that was from a co-worker’s recently deceased mom who had a penchant for overspending & not using what was bought. The clothes were very pretty, so much so that I would have gasped in delight if I’d found them at a thrift store. Then, to discover they are my current size and most still had their original sales tags on them. It was wonderful.
It was a good and needed distraction. I look forward to showing them to my Nathan.
After that I sat down and played piano for the handful of people milling around- a few residents & 3 employees. It was more for me than them, but they congratulated me and spoke of how beautiful it was for them. That also helped.
I’m now at the Y doing my treadmill while I write this. I think it’ll help too. I’ve reinstalled the messenger app so my friend will still be able to message me. I do believe he’s wanting to, but either struggling himself or genuinely busy. I just need a little patience to round out my day.
The grief will pass, and I know how much his family must be feeling this intensely. I will send them prayers and Reiki. It will be ok.