Tag Archives: growing

I am who I am

I am ME
I am greater
I am me
I am human

Two in one

One ultimately
One finitely

Two parts

I will never
I am constantly

Always being

Of betterment

Worked too hard
To undo
What's done

Go back
To worse
To lesser


Main trajectory
Aimed for
Goals in mind

In My aim

Willing to settle
Isn't necessarily
In the


May come
In disguise
Or as

Still have to

Aim for
You'll always
Be right

~Treasa Cailleach

May you see yourself in new light, and see others in the best ways possible now. May you have more understanding, acceptance, and appreciation for your journey within. May you know your greatest journey and most wonderful rewards come from elements unseen, others will rarely notice. May you feel the knowing that you have worked towards improvement and bettered your life and those around you. May you know you have had an impact on this world and be at peace with how that manifested. May you know your mortality and accept the process peacefully when the time is ripe. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all you do.

Om Shanti

Really a dump truck!

Gardening was good. I’ll show pictures below, but I managed to get my planters fixed from squirrel mayhem, adding a perennial flowering plant to each. I moved volunteer hostas from their overflow spots in the backyard to the front of the house. I’m hoping they’ll really take off in their new homes. In between the hostas I planted more perennial flowering plants. I also moved a shrub volunteer to fill a gap between the hostas and the dwarf Alberta spruce baby. It may or may not look great by the end of this growing season, but in time the front of the house will look beautiful. I also went ahead and planted second batch of bulbs now that they have sprouted enough to break the soil quickly. We will have an abundance of flowers this year. I finished my gardening day with putting mulch on the bed along the drive, being careful to leave the patches of seeds uncovered. I felt very accomplished at the end of it all.

I went in and had a very late lunch snack because being in gardening mode I forgot to eat. Then I set to take an Epsom salt soak and went to the potty. My toilet did not flush again. Nathan grabbed the auger and snaked the toilet. On the first try he pulled out this:

I’m not sure which child flushed it down the toilet, but I’m glad we have the means and know-how to fix it and retrieve the now dumpy dump truck. Even after a sink wash I forsee it being run through the dishwasher for sanitization. Yuck.

Now I sit to enjoy my nice hot soak. This was a mostly good day.

Now for garden pics:

Thank you God for a good sunny day full of gardening.

May we all have good sunny days. May you spend time doing something that you enjoy and that soothes your soul. May you feel good and be healthy. May you find your new normal.

Siva Hir Su

Moving… breaking… playing

So we’re plugging along at moving. Thinning the herd again. Every time we move our load gets lighter and lighter. I’m happy for it, as at one point we had way more than 2 people should. Now we have what a normal family of 5 would, and we’re one step closer to living lighter.

In the process this time, I was working on lowering the massage table that had been be Ian’s “loft”, so that it could maximize space in the move and…. I sat it down on my foot. Initially I said ouch and kept moving. About an hour later my foot was still throbbing enough that I told Nathan I needed to look at it. As soon as my shoe came off, the pressure backed off, but I knew I would not be getting it back on. My foot had swelled immensely.

This is what it looked like initially.

It was hard to tell other than the intense swelling, but I went around showing everyone that it was what a freshly broken bone looks like. I explained I had broken a bone in my foot, probably hairline fracture as it was tolerable to walk on. Also, compared to the last time I broke a toe, this was actually less painful.

Now after I’ve had a few days of healing, having kept it wrapped in an ace bandage, the swelling is much less, but the bruise is much more noticeable. It has also reinforced my prior estimation of which bone I’d broken, based on the epicenter of pain. I had estimated it was my 2nd metatarsal, and the bruise has mostly settled into my 2nd and 3rd toes, which fits with that theory.

This is what it looks like now.

Really each morning I find that it feels better and better. However even with the ace bandage, each evening brings burning sensations in my toes from limping all day at work. This evening may be the worst so far as I spent nearly 12 hours in constant motion, mostly up on my feet. It was a rough day.

That being said I’m very grateful that I’m still able to work and help with the moving process. A little discomfort for a few weeks is far better than needing surgery or something worse.


Another thing I’m grateful for is my now fully mobile 5.5 month old baby. She’s so smart and so strong that she’s crawling, pulling herself up to standing and holding onto furniture to walk. She’s even getting the balance thing down enough to stand one-handed, and occasionally she lets go for a few seconds. She has enough confidence that if she makes it about 5 seconds hands free, she tries to take a step, though at this point every time that happens she falls. Yesterday she had a great time demonstrating that for me several times over, smiling and giggling the whole way.

This morning she played with shoes and one of Ian’s trucks, and Nathan had the sense to capture some video I can share. The other moments have been so enthralling that we’ve lapsed on videos a bit. Next time she gets moving I’ll do my best to capture a clip to share.

May you enjoy the zest for life and learning all babies bring to this world, and find your moments of less discomfort and hidden blessings. Aho.

If you can’t figure out how to be wealthy, then figure out how to be poor well.

So my husband likes to tell me that I’m quotable.  The title  is one such instance.  It was an analogy to follow  up a statement regarding Anya’s hair.  She has battled  with her hair her whole life and doesn’t like it- being half like black hair, and half like Caucasian  hair; so I said you can’t really truly change your hair – as in going from curly to naturally straight.  So I said if you can’t change it,  then learn how to make it the way you want with the least amount of  trouble.

That’s what I’m  doing with my whole  life. I’ve tried and tried, and worked very hard at trying to unburry our little family. Every time,  I’ve gotten the proverbial smack down,  & ended up no better off.

Almost 11 years ago,  I willingly climbed into the hole with Nathan. I saw a good man that had been ruined in a nasty divorce, not of his making.  I’ve never heard another person say,  I just want to see my daughter and keep my house,  so many times.  My heart went out  to him & his daughter.  The hole was created when the divorce ordered him to pay post dated child support for Anya’s entire life to that point (about 14 months, & 6 grand), & ordered that regardless of his X’s portion of mortgage payments (less than 1/4 because of her not working  during college) he had to settle half of the equity of the home (almost 8 grand).  Because his X didn’t want to ever see him again, she fought everything, to the point her lawyer confessed  he was sick  of her. The divorce finally wrapped up after Anya turned 1, and cost 10 grand. So by the time he refinanced to accomplish the house requirement,  he started in the hole by $24,000, just because he refused to walk away from his daughter all together.  That was on top of his student debt.

I should have seen  that was a bad idea,  especially since I had my own college debt and a car to pay for.  But I was in love with a man AND his beautiful smart daughter. I couldn’t see them both ruined if I could do anything to prevent it.

I moved in and tried to help pay for EVERYTHING! Unfortunately, it was a losing battle. I had barely finished college and was still working my student jobs,  & Nathan hadn’t finished college much before me and was also still working in the same field that put him through college & enabled the house.  Neither paid well.

I did eventually find a job in my field of education,  but it was an entry level position with a small business,  and didn’t pay any better than my previous position. Shortly later Nathan was fired because he refused to give up visitation with Anya knowing his X never allowed him to adjust, & his work  essentially said work or be fired.  Long story short, he took his daughter over his job,  and I can’t fault him for that.

However,  the 2 put together meant the house went into foreclosure.  I had already entered back into school for massage hoping it would help,  and finished right as the foreclosure was finalized.  We had to stay with my parents for a while.  I found the first  massage job I could that would put us closer to Anya and we found a rental out in the country dirt cheap. I did my best,  but things never did turn to the better.  That year I lost my car- repossessed,  we went  some months without utilities.

Our most memorable moment was when we didn’t have gas  service,  so we were cooking on the grill at the park across the street.  I lit the fire,  dropped the corn cobs on,  realized I forgot tongs, & as soon as I came back out I realized the corn was engulfed in flames.  I sprinted back & pulled the cobs off  as the foil wrappers began to disintegrate.  We had the most delicious 4 minute corn ever!

Finally though, we had to admit that the move was a failure.  Try, try again!

We knew people in Kansas City, and discussed with them possibilities.  They offered to help us transition.  We used our tiny Toyota truck to move everything we owned down  into storage in 2 trips. It was comical how tall the tarp wrapped truck was.
The friends kicked us out by December.  That holiday season was hard for us.  We did find a rental quickly,  but had no money to spare, & the jobs we managed to get when we got to KC weren’t great.

Then Nathan got sick.  I became sole financier.  I almost failed.  We were days shy of being evicted when I finally started catching up.  Then my Gallbladder went bad,  & the whole mess fell apart.  We already had almost $100,000 from Nathan’s medical adventure,  so fortunately the hospital didn’t bat an eye on writing mine off. His  journey has been challenging,  & I’d rather have him alive  than dead, so I’ve accepted my role,  but damn.  When the best thing you can say about it is that his student loans quit chasing him due to permanent disability,  that’s not saying much.  The circumstances of his hospital stay & diagnosis meant that we could never get disability to go through,  so I’m it.

We tried  to save money by living with another family,  but dysfunction meant our cat almost got eaten by their dog.  I was done.  We moved again!

This time to a small apartment, utilities paid by the building,  but no laundry services.  Not a huge deal until we discovered the building was infested with bed bugs. Do you have any idea how much it costs to wash and dry everything you own  -including bedding and stuffed animals- at a laundromat every 2 to 3 months. And then we got full custody of Anya when her mom died of  cancer. Bedbugs & a grieving pre-teen do NOT go together.


So now,  I’ve relegated myself to making the best of being poor. I’m going to build our home: by hand, from scratch, as I can pay for supplies. Then I’ll save up some  money & move it,  put in a well, septic,  solar panels,  & small wind turbine, & build a greenhouse.  Then add on for the grandparents & aunt,  then  from there we’ll be set & I can work just enough to pay for taxes, non-grown food,  & vehicle related expenses.
I think I can realistically accomplish all of that in 10 years, maybe less.

I’ve decided the thing that bugs me most about all of the law of attraction hype is the lack of action & the loss of perspective. Yes, anything  is possible,  but it may not be probable at all, or at least in your lifetime. Beyond probability,  how can anything happen if you don’t DO anything tangible. If you aren’t attempting to do anything that will produce money,  then you’re not gong to see any. HELL, if I can spend a decade doing my level best to make money- including running my own business,  & none ever does manifest;  how the hell are you going to while sitting on your ass making vision boards.

If you want X but never do anything that could result in X, then you’ll never get X.
Y +Z does not = X
A+B+C+D+E+F+G+ .etc might eventually = X

So, I’ll take the latter,  & if the universe eventually decides to say “atta boy” and drop more money in my lap,  or suddenly allow my previous actions to be more lucrative,  then great.  I’M NOT HOLDING MY BREATH ANYMORE!  I’m going to just make the best I can of a crappy life of poverty with the understanding that I’ve done everything I know & can do to attempt to make things better, including going to school twice to try & change that. I’m willing to learn,  I’m willing to act,  I’m willing to do,  I’m willing to work hard, I’m willing to help others and support others,
& will continue to do all of those things regardless as to whether the universe/divine honors me or rewards me for all of my efforts.

C’est Tout!