She exposed herself
Bared her scars
For all to see
Owning her self
Knowing her scars
Were proof of
Just how far she'd come
None could take that from her
She had found her power
She was more beautiful than ever
Regardless of what anyone else
Thought or saw
She was beautiful
She was already loved
And now she knew it
He exposed himself
Bared his chest
For all to see
Owning his self
Knowing his appearance
Was proof of
How much he'd grown
Even admitting his past
Had less than stellar decisions
None could take that from him
He had found himself
He was more beautiful than ever
Regardless of what anyone else
Thought or saw
He was beautiful
He was already loved
And he was beginning to see it
They were two very different people
Living two very different paths
Both were equally amazing
Both were equally wonderful
They were learning and growing
They were being human
They are loved
By those around them
And by God
Growth is all we seek
Expansion is our life
Everything that builds us
Lifts us up
Keeps us going
Makes our world a better place
That is God's work
They are doing it
So can you
Grow in beautiful imperfection
Find your self
Know you are loved
It's all that is needed
To help our world heal
~ Treasa Cailleach
So, there’s been conflict with the housemate we’re trying to help. I was already aware that some people psychologically have difficulty changing, even with help. It’s why I was adamant that Atira have a psychiatrist and/or therapist on staff to help narrow prospective candidates and then assist them with mental-health therapy as part of the assistance program.
However, I am utilizing this situation to be the next step of Atira Junior. I willingly decided to help this person and invited everything that they are into my home. This latest moment is just helping me see my next step and the progress and learning I have already done.
Our housemate is so entrenched in victimhood that she is doing her best to continue that theme with us even though we are literally supplying nearly everything she needs and have been for two solid months. She is also so entrenched in manipulative situations that she has tried to pit Nathan and I against one another. She’s so used to people taking advantage of her, and defending herself through manipulation that it is the only route she knows right now.
It makes for tricky territory for us, and makes me feel a tinge of sadness for her.
Fortunately, Nathan and I have survived several other situations that had already given us valuable learning lessons in this area. As a result we both caught it right away. We both chose to watch our own words and actions very carefully. We have both talked to each other repeatedly to ensure we are on the same page.
So, now I’m left with having to set written expectations. I am drafting a guideline for her to continue to stay with us, including goal time-frames regarding her employment, transportation and seeking mental-health therapy. I am including in said document all of the many resources that I have offered her repeatedly, starting from before she even left the hospital. The document unfortunately will include statements about consequences if she fails to meet any or especially all of the goals.
I do have a fine line between between providing assistance and feeling that I am being used. This document is intended to delineate that line, and my expectation that behaviors do not progress into using us for personal gain. If behaviors do, she will be asked to leave immediately.
As for me in the now, regarding this post, I wish to focus on the positives and my gratitude for this situation arising.
- I am grateful that I am able to help someone stay off the street and be in a safe place.
- I am grateful that I do know and/or have resources available to help those in the worst situations.
- I am grateful that Nathan and I really did learn from our past and know how to handle this situation better.
- I am grateful I have all of the tools to refocus and make strides to improvement in an unpleasant moment.
- I am seeing my progress more and more.
- I’m thankful now for experiences 14 years ago, that at the time hurt greatly, but are preventing disaster in the now.
- I am grateful that less and less I’m falling for other’s manipulative actions.
- I am grateful for my intelligence to learn from negative moments to be able to create better in the future. I am able to learn from life itself, and do not need a teacher (though sometimes the easy route of teacher/student is nice).
- I am grateful that I have put so much effort into my spiritual education and growth, it is definitely helping me in the now. Again, having accomplished that without a physical guide or teacher is huge. I still do not “belong” to any current organized religion, but I am definitely seeing my path as divinely guided.
- I am grateful that I have the technology to help accommodate the needs of this situation.
- I am grateful that I am finally the one in control, and able to craft measured responses to continue assistance in certain terms and framework.
- I am intensely, massively, appreciative that I have gained enough control of my mental faculties, that even with external influences and energetic turbulence, I have been able to maintain a mostly level head and make very conscious choices and watchy words more carefully than in my past.
- I am grateful that I can see my efforts to provide assistance, despite another trying to twist a tale of victimization.
- I am glad that I know how to mitigate that tale and return the responsibility to her court.
- I am glad that I can maintain sight of the bigger picture even in a very frustrating moment.
I hope that I am able to successfully clear this hurdle and refocus the situation to continued progress.
May you all have moments of appreciation for your learning and growth. May you see where past traumas can benefit you. May you always see the most positive and beneficial route and solutions. May you appreciate all of your learning lessons and the tools which you have gained from them. May you see your own growth and development. May you know that God loves and supports you in all of your journey, even the extra challenging bits. May you know the more challenging something is the more rewarding the outcome can be.
Om Shanti and Many Blessings
*The title picture is a birch tree from my lunchtime walk today. Birch trees represent new beginnings and also communication (native americans and early settlers used to use birch bark for paper). I felt that was fitting for this situation and the post itself.
Gardening was good. I’ll show pictures below, but I managed to get my planters fixed from squirrel mayhem, adding a perennial flowering plant to each. I moved volunteer hostas from their overflow spots in the backyard to the front of the house. I’m hoping they’ll really take off in their new homes. In between the hostas I planted more perennial flowering plants. I also moved a shrub volunteer to fill a gap between the hostas and the dwarf Alberta spruce baby. It may or may not look great by the end of this growing season, but in time the front of the house will look beautiful. I also went ahead and planted second batch of bulbs now that they have sprouted enough to break the soil quickly. We will have an abundance of flowers this year. I finished my gardening day with putting mulch on the bed along the drive, being careful to leave the patches of seeds uncovered. I felt very accomplished at the end of it all.
I went in and had a very late lunch snack because being in gardening mode I forgot to eat. Then I set to take an Epsom salt soak and went to the potty. My toilet did not flush again. Nathan grabbed the auger and snaked the toilet. On the first try he pulled out this:
I’m not sure which child flushed it down the toilet, but I’m glad we have the means and know-how to fix it and retrieve the now dumpy dump truck. Even after a sink wash I forsee it being run through the dishwasher for sanitization. Yuck.
Now I sit to enjoy my nice hot soak. This was a mostly good day.
Now for garden pics:
Thank you God for a good sunny day full of gardening.
May we all have good sunny days. May you spend time doing something that you enjoy and that soothes your soul. May you feel good and be healthy. May you find your new normal.
Siva Hir Su