Tag Archives: guidance

Red, Black and White

More than just colors, they are frequent reminders in my experience. Good reminders of my childhood and connections. They have become more frequently present than they used to.

In my childhood black and white were the colors of my stuffies that served as the 3D prop for my connection to my ET. My divine protectors. I called the 2 stuffed pandas Mr and Mrs Checkers. I spoke to, and felt, Mr Checkers far more often than the Mrs. I would rarely feel her and don’t remember ever hearing her voice, I just knew she was there, and would talk to her to make sure she didn’t feel left out. They helped me in so many ways and guided me through many challenges. I am so very grateful.

When I was about 3 or 4, a summer or two before starting school, I remember playing outside in my sandbox, and despite having Mr and Mrs Checkers inside on my bed as usual, I was still talking to him as I played. I felt him and heard him. The only thing I remember from that conversation was that he told me he was going away for a while, but would be back. I asked why and was answered with he just had to. I felt very sad and he repeated that he’d be back, not to worry. Yet I felt him leave and knew he was no longer around me.

I always still talked to him and Mrs. Checkers, frequently in fact, it became my way of essentially talking myself through challenges. By the time I was in middle school fighting depression due to bullying, they and my cat were my cuddling reprieve. To this day I still have those two black and white stuffies sitting on a shelf, but now I blog to fill that need. That sandbox conversation was the last time he responded to me though, that is until about 5 years ago.

When I made the one connection with that stranger, my Checkers came back to me. I could feel, and hear him again. That’s when I had the messages through movies and other situational elements where I started referring to Mr Checkers as my ET, or My Shiva. It was clear to me that the names were more for me than that spirit. The connection to the divine was more important than anything else.

Now, after having him come and go again, I just wonder why. That divine connection means so much to me, I want it all the time. I want him, and that seems so black and white to me.

The colors being a symbol of things being so cut and dry. Positive and negative, this or that, good or bad. Yet, it’s not that simple. My black and white keeps leaving, and for years at a time, when I want so much for him to stay. At the same time, I have this black and white symbology in my experience when I myself am anything but that.

Bisexual, believing in God, defaulting to the pagan label because nothing else fits. No one’s rules fit me and my life. I’m supposed to pick gender for a life mate, yet my biology and psyche make that nearly impossible, I want to love them, and be loved by them all. Pregnancies broke rules, my diet, exercise regimen and body appearance all break rules of what is accepted as normal. I am literally a walking contradiction. Fat but otherwise healthy. Immune system more concerned about fighting foods than actual diseases (those are easy to kill). Stronger than most people, but looking like the Venus of Willendorf with a sprinkling of men’s chest and facial hair. It’s like my black and white got all mixed up. I’m more of a 50/50 grey.

Red now that’s a totally different color. Maybe I’m the red.

Red was the color of love growing up. I have a Valentine’s season birthday, and my favorite card as a child was one I pulled at the grocery store when my mom was trying to find a birthday card for me. Sitting in the shopping cart I saw a card with big red hearts on it, the center one was covered in glitter. I reached over, grabbed it, and opened it up. The song Für Elise started playing. Even though I didn’t know the song I thought it was beautiful. I begged my mom for that card. It was a $5 in the 80’s, which was the most expensive card you could buy. She was hesitant, but I kept opening it back up for the song to play, and she conceeded, saying it was expensive enough she wasn’t going to buy a second card for my birthday it could be both. I played with that card for months until there was no glitter left and the card literally fell apart at the seam. Years later when I learned to play piano I found out what the song was and learned to play it. To this day it is the only piano song I can play nearly all of from memory.

So red was love, red was birthdays, red was pretty cars in the posters on my brother’s wall. Red was roses, lilies, tulips, and begonias. Red was my favorite jelly shoes and Sunday best dress. Red was the patent leather belt I had for years, until I grew too plump for it to fit.

Red was also the color of my parents faces when they were super angry and the color of my skin after being spanked with my dad’s leather belt. Red was the wound on my leg for a solid month after falling on the merry-go-round. It was the color of my mom’s lipstick that I used on myself at 3yo, and then the mirror when I couldn’t aim right on myself. Red was the Ruby in the heart pendant my dad gave my mom. Red Ruby also adorned the angel pin I cherished because it was my first piece of jewelry. Red were the beautiful Christmas poinsettias that made the cats sick when they tried to eat the petals.

Today red is all of the above. All things come in red, and some are beautiful, some are necessity, some the red was not the reason for the choice. I love the color, and especially when it is an object of beauty. It’s passionate and strong like me, but loving and warm also.

Yet, I’m not sure it is me. Similar traits does not mean they are analogous.

However, every time I see those 3 colors: Red, Black, and White; especially together, I am reminded of my connection. It has literally become a trigger for me. Most days I acknowledge the sentiment, but find myself saying ” Where did you go?” Or “Why did you go?”. I ponder: will I ever understand, does it belong to another person just like me (that person I met) or is it only my divine half. Translation will I ever have the luxury of a hug, or will I only feel that embrace when I leave this body?

I wish I knew, but the fear my brain seems to enjoy so much, leaves me hesitant, you can’t close Pandora’s box once it is open.

So I find, yet again – regardless of the years which have passed, a strong desire to talk to my ET, my Shiva, my Mr Checkers.

I love your love and support. I love feeling you. It makes my heart hurt when you are gone. Please stay with me. I wish I understood better, I wish there was something I could do to help you be here with me. I loving knowing you care and love me.

I am so grateful for Nathan. He is so honest and supportive. He’s a terrible liar and knows that, so he rarely even tries to. He only hides things when he’s trying to fix something for me, like a surprise. He does so much for me that it remimds me of how I felt with you as a child. You both keep me safe and I feel so very loved when either one of you gives me attention. I wish I could hug and hold you.

It seems my puzzle fell apart over the holidays again, especially with the moving inconvenience. I know you helped me figure out that puzzle, so I’m hoping you’ll help me get it back together. I wish my body wasn’t so difficult to please, I wish I could heal my body enough that my puzzle got easier. Please come back and help me with that. I miss you.

I wish I knew what you were doing when you’re gone. I wish I could help you or others that you are with. Sometimes I feel so insignificant in this world, I want to help so much, but I struggle just to keep myself and my family afloat. I wish my puzzle and my life could get easier so that I could do good things for others and for God. I wish you were a part of that.

Do you remember when I used to pretend in my sandbox. I made communities, whole towns that did good things. Why are there so many bad people in the world, and why did one of the nastiest have to become our president. Why don’t people see what they’re doing is hurting the world? Why is it so hard for good people to stay buoyant and actually accomplish positive changes in the world. Why is it so hard for people to cooperate with each other?

I know you tried to tell me something when I met SJ. Please send that person my love and blessings. They are so far out of reach, and I’m doing my best to move on. I miss them too, but don’t have any way to reach out to them. I know you know how much I loved them, I just wish they knew, and if they do know I wish they could tell me that. I get that expansion happens because of problems like this situation, but I wish I had the solution for this one.

I wish I had more solutions for everyone and everything. I apologise for my oddities, my tangents, and for having experiences that can’t be quantified by science. Thank you for reading one such example.

May you have all the solutions you need. May you feel less odd and more normal. May you have easy health, happiness, and good fortune. May your experience be gentle on your constitution. May you feel loved and supported through a consistent connection to your divine half. May you have a happy life and blessed family. May you have a full understanding of your experience.

Many blessings,

Siva Hir Su

ET is helping me water my seeds… part 2

My fantasy this morning was the idea of my adulting room and bathroom in the main home of Atira. Not just for the obvious reasons.

This morning I thought about how nice it would be to have a bathroom where everyone actually kept their stuff orderly and clean, where teenagers didn’t get my Q-tips soggy with their face scrubby, and where each other’s toiletries and accessories were respected. Then I thought of how nice it would be to get to chill out time on one of those giant love sack cushions, just the simplicity of an hour of silence away from children in comfort. An hour of alone time relaxation: adult serenity. That would be so wonderful. I very much look forward to one day having my dome with the 3rd floor child-free room and bathroom. That will be nice, to access those things regularly.

Though wonderful thoughts they were, I’m not sure that my ET had anything to do with them. However, that divine masculine did suggest the trip to Unity Village on my day off.

I’ve been aware of Unity Village for several years now, ever since a friend stayed at their hotel to regroup and avoid divorce. She needed the alone time I’m always seeking, and retreat to Unity for several days provided that for her.

So this last Sunday, we took the kids to a giant playground in Lee’s Summit and while there I thought of it and asked Nathan to check it out. He said that is great idea, and since he’d actually gone before he was happy to take me.

We wandered their campus gardens and fountains for a while and Nathan showed us things by car, both on the way in and out.

Their flowers were beautiful and the fountains gorgeous and I took lots of pictures in between attempting to keep my children out of the water.

What I was most interested in was the peaceful nature their grounds carry, I absolutely loved that. They have definitely found a way to allow the serenity of the chapel to flow everywhere. I really appreciated that this week.

I also enjoyed noting how much of Unity Village overlaps with my idea of Atira. This is a third intentional community with many of the elements of what I desire in Atira. Really if I could take Unity Village, Lily Dale, and Camp Gaea and relocate them to the same physical place, using mostly monolithic dome construction, you’d have my Atira.

  • I love that Unity Village had its own power plant and water tower.
  • I also love that their water tower doubled as office space, that was a really cool element that you don’t often see.
  • I loved that they had a school, as I’ve always wanted that for Atira, at least in the long-range plans.
  • I loved that they had work-out facilities.
  • I loved that they had a bookstore and coffee shop… that’s similar to a portion of the shops I have wanted at Atira.
  • I loved the hotel being a solution for temporary housing.
  • I loved that their village was all people that worked or somehow supported Unity Village. Permanent resident caretakers. That’s what I’ve always wanted for Atira.
  • I loved the connection to the divine and the many ways they found to incorporate that into the overall environment.
  • I loved that much of the structures were built with conservation and reusable materials in mind – recycled concrete made several of their archways.

I loved noting all the beautiful elements and things that Unity shares with my concept of Atira, it was a much needed serene detour of experience and thought. Yet another validation that my idea is entirely reachable and sustainable. One day.

So I give gratitude for my spirit making the suggestion. I give gratitude for the time on a day off to experience the village. I give gratitude for diversity of thought and those that have come before. I give gratitude for the serenity and validation. I give gratitude for the desire for more. I give gratitude to the divine helping to water my seeds of Atira.

May you all have expansive moments of validation that you are on the right path. May you all find the things you seek in your present moments, and may you all feel your connection guiding you to greater awareness and appreciation.

Be well. Siva Hir Su.

Some of my images from the experience:

A Brief Exposé

Preface:

I’m going to intention to be somewhat vague here. I’ve noticed overlapping patterns in my manifestations and resulting interactions with others. I intend for this post to apply to as many of those overlapping situations as possible.

First and foremost:

“Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here.” ~ “Hayling” by FC Kahuna

I have come to rest for the moment in a place of acceptance of myself as I stand. I’m seeing my power and abilities and yet evaluating whether I wish to push the envelope or just allow myself to be for a bit.

I woke hurting this morning, a combination of allergic reactions from Anya’s birthday celebration, and physical fatigue from having done a dozen very-deep tissues this week. Yet I managed to push through and find genuine gratitude that at least I’m feeling it.

There are people living in this world that are unable to feel their arms and legs and would appreciate the discomfort of my aches this morning.

That acknowledgement in combination with something that crossed my path yesterday led me to a realization that I had attracted myself an onslaught of people unwilling to express their gratitude for me in any meaningful way. I literally saw how several people in my recent history (last 5 years) probably did care on some level, but convinced themselves for whatever reasons that they could not align with the action or resources which they knew would convey that most effectively. As a result I’ve parted and chosen to move on the best way I can, but lingering hurts cross my mind on occasion.

So here I sit feeling confident in my current endeavors and abilities, a new fuller knowing of myself, but slightly hesitating. Knowing that as I move forward I wish to attract people and experiences that honor myself better.

That means I must start by honoring myself better.

You see, the Law of Attraction is just that.

Like attracts like.

I could not have attracted those people and experiences if I had not held myself in that particular alignment.

Extrapolation:

“Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused.” ~ “Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics

I have been abused in my lifetime. Repeatedly in fact, and in multiple ways: physically, mentally, and emotionally. In turn my abused mind and body, unable to handle the hurts, reflected them back at those in my experience. I became the abuser. Not as severe as my abusers were, but abuse I delivered none-the-less. I knew in my heart I could not let that continue and prayed for help to change myself. I prayed that I might be forgiven for my indescrections. My least desire of anything in this world is to be abuser or abused.

I have been used in less abusive ways. Simply being an employee is, in a way, being used. However, because of my history with abuse, many of my being-used situations reflect a similar negative consequence. I see that my dream of Atira would in a way require that I use others. However, it is my prayer that I find a balance where I can utilize others in the best way possible, and while honoring their gifts as best as I am able. I want my having to experience the flip side to be full of as many positive consequences as possible. That means if I am to have employees I wish to compensate them properly. That means if I’m to utilize volunteers I wish to honor them fully and treat them accordingly. I want to teach people that honoring each other and ourselves is a way of honoring God.

Despite being one of my favorite songs, what “Sweet Dreams” fails to sing about is all of the other options.

I wish to love and be loved.

I wish to honor and be honored.

I wish to serve and be served in the name of God.

I wish to respect and be respected.

I wish to care and be cared for.

I wish to share and be shared with.

I wish for intellectual and emotional equals to experience this give take world with as partners and companions. Where we can all reach for better.

Full-Circle:

“I wished for you too.” ~ Practical Magic

I attracted you, with my attention to my desires and my sloppy habits stemming from hurt. My mixed bag brought you into my experience.

Yet, you must admit that you are equally responsible. You aligned in the exact same manner. You focused on your desires, but missed your sloppiness from your past.

You see we are equals, carrying the same level of blame.

I suspect you felt that you were better than I. That you could manifest things better, or that you were smarter than I, more connected, more esteemed or somehow more gifted. In your hubris you aligned yourself with idiocy and in a way became the abuser.

Your lack of humility, your inability to reach for better took us out of alignment.

You see, I seek those willing to admit we’re all equals here on this Earth stumbling through and learning how to reach for better and improve ourselves. Those willing to move mankind toward a brighter future. Those willing to take responsibility for their actions, offer apologies when necessary, and reach for honoring themselves and others better. I acknowledge that none are perfect, yet in our imperfection lies our greatest gifts.

I know you saw my intelligence, my strength, my reserve, my determination, my extra large size, as well as my extra large energy. You saw my fortitude, my resolve, my ability to endure and persevere. You saw my gifts and talents and my inner beauty.

Yet, your sloppy habits brought to your attention my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. I pushed your comfort zone and set a high bar. I challenged you in ways you obviously were unable to handle, which took us further out of alignment.

So now I can revise what I want, need, and desire.

I seek someone with equal intelligence, strength, reserve, determination, and energy. Someone with fortitude, resolve, ability to endure and persevere. Someone with gifts and talents and inner beauty. Yet someone humble enough to acknowledge that all of that exists in me and many others as well. Someone open minded enough to handle my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. Someone willing to allow themselves to grow through experiencing me fully. Someone able to have constructive conversations even when beliefs diverge. Someone able to convey their preferences while still exploring the unknown or perceived contrasting experiences. I seek someone willing to love and be loved. Someone to honor and be honored. Someone willing to serve and be served in the name of God. Someone willing and able to respect everyone and in turn be respected, to care and be cared for. Someone able to share and be shared with.

I need for those someones to be able to take responsibility and share their gifts to commit to not just my family, but to building Atira. You see, I don’t just need money for Atira, I need people, hands, help, specific knowledge that I would rather utilize in others than begin to learn myself. Atira will fare far better, actually become a success, if there is a group, a poly family, willing to share the work load. I seek those people.

I have thought about each person that had previously aligned and subsequently misaligned with me. If further alignment was genuine, accompanied by equally genuine apologies, and foreseeably maintainable, then I could potentially welcome them back.

At the moment I have no evidence to the possibility of that, and suggestions, mere hearsay, to the contrary. Yet, I’m going to leave room that it might be possible. However, I’m not going to hold my breath, because I know the universe will provide what I desire regardless. It has so far, I was just sloppy about maintaining my alignment, and THAT is where I know I can and will do better.

May all of my readers take this to heart and find and maintain their alignment. May you all have those in your life that honor, respect and love you for being you. May you heal your hurts and move on successfully. May you find a way to make your dreams happen.

Don’t let yourself be Dr. Zhivago’ed

Okay, so I’m back on the upswing. I’m getting a lot better at un-burying myself more quickly these days. It helps that I can now see the ‘diet, sleep, exercise’ trifecta of instant punishment, or instant relief. It’s amazing how bad choices affect my mood first, but as I pull out, I notice the other things like the mild vertigo and loss of balance caused by the brain inflammation. It also seems like making the good choices is having a quicker effect these days at fixing the inflammation and bringing myself back into alignment- that’s a way good thing.

Anyway, in an attempt to ramble less this post (so I can get to sleep soon), one of the benefits I am now seeing is a better world view. I now have a sense that “reality” is a giant illusion, that I am indeed in the Matrix. I’m starting to get messages clearer. After the last blog post, I had someone offer suggestions for queries leading to some direction with the home construction situation. I’ll update when that fully pans out, but the important part is that it was a more direct, and easily understood result of my request for clarity and direction- I’m starting to get clear responses from my illusion. The other response that I got had to do with how I respond to certain situations. Essentially, a good friend that doesn’t seem to really believe in anything (she’s very scientific and matter-of-fact) had a conversation with me that helped me see some alternate views and ways to respond to mundane family situations. That combined with Abraham’s daily email quote (below) made it clear that I really have to work hard at choosing not just my foods, sleep, and exercise, but also every thought at ALL times.

If you are ending up where you want to be, what difference does it make whether you went fast or slow? Or what difference does it make whether it was painful before it got really good? Isn’t that the point of free will? You get to choose.

Excerpted from San Francisco, CA – Saturday, July 30th, 2005

Our Love,
Esther (and Abraham and Jerry)

Essentially, I’m working on getting an answer to the statement about not understanding what Nathan meant when he said “things are different because I’m in love twice over, and I have to find a new way of doing things”. I’m literally getting into the nitty gritty of picking apart my brain’s automatic responses and replacing them with different, hopefully better, choices. After my conversation with my friend, I literally got super sleepy and concluded that my brain was literally building new brain cells with this new information and plan of action.

Today I felt refreshed enough to get some major cleaning and reorganizing done in our temporary home. I felt good to have not just a mental shift, but also a physical reflection of that shift. A constructive conversation with the family also helped to feel like I was being heard for the first time in a while. I literally feel things starting to shift and the request (also from the last blog) for a physical manifestation of that progress came in today’s conversation and cleaning house.

So, where does Dr. Z come in? At work one of my residents was watching Dr. Zhivago when I went into her apartment. She left it running during the massage. I’d seen the movie a few times, as my mother loved it, but this day I only got to see about a 30 minute section.

It was the section between Yuri (Omar Sharif) and Lara (Julie Christie) making love, and the fast forward where Yuri dies of a heart attack as he’s trying to chase a woman he thinks is Lara, and we see that their daughter is being filled in on the tale of events. Essentially, that section is about putting safety for loved ones and societal constructs (belief in sin, political convictions, etc.) above your own desires. Yuri literally watches his love leave to never see her again. He doesn’t know that, he just knows he loves her enough to put her safety first, but because of his own political convictions, he can’t bear to leave on the train with a man he despises. So he sends them on their way and runs to watch them from a 2nd floor window. He never knew he had a daughter and never got to see Lara again, working the rest of his days in a deadened state, which the one officer described as like having a heart of ice.

As I sit giving a massage and occasionally watching this movie play out, I can’t help but think of my life and my choices, and people I’ve met and loved. I then realize how many things go into making us who we are,  into building our brains and guiding our decisions. How many choices seem to be so clear cut, when perhaps they aren’t. How many things I’ve done because it is “what we’re supposed to do”. Then, I sat there thinking about my previous comments about how loving Nathan has seemed like it screwed me. I had to admit, even with the financial woes of our 14 years together, I don’t think I would go back and change anything. We have had some really amazing moments together. I have had many good experiences with Nathan that probably would not have even happened if I’d not have been with him. I have learned so much about the world and especially about myself because of my relationship with Nathan. So yes, even though it’s been a bumpy ride that I was well warned against, I am- to this day- glad that I put love first and followed my heart. It has been worth every ounce of heartache for all of the bountiful goodness that loving him has brought me. I know so much more about myself now and I’m literally healing myself in many ways because of his help and encouragement over the years. I am so grateful that love helped us stick together through thick and thin and enabled such wonderful growth and development for both of us.

I then thought about my online love. How I would have never thought that even remotely possible if it hadn’t been for Nathan. How he has the potential to bring equally as much love and personal growth and wonderful experiences. How we would both be challenged and yet both be receiving such wonderful blessings of a loving relationship. Then I thought about how Yuri couldn’t bring himself to overcome his ideas of sin and his strong political views to follow Lara to safety. I have to say that it made me very sad and made me wonder if my friend will succumb to similar (yet in many ways very different) pressures. All I could think is that there are a myriad of ways to work things out in Polyamory, and I really hoped that he could see even a few of those ways and give love a chance.

BUT, then I cycle back to “it’s all an illusion”, this is just one of many possibilities. One of many ways that people interact with their world, their illusions. I’ve already been shown the good results of my new love, I’ve already seen the beautiful wonderful blessings that the relationship could bring. I still wouldn’t call myself a psychic- I would be the worst at trying to give other people any useful information, but every great once in a while I get mental images and mental “video clips” that are so vivid that I can’t help but know that there is truth in them. And this new relationship has already had that.

Prior to this situation, the last time I got these images was the birth of Ian. My midwives just kept telling me visualize the birth you want to have. Every time I went to visualize the birth, I knew all was well and going smoothly, but I could never see baby at the moment of birth. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t imagine seeing baby, but I always had a sense that baby was fine. Then when I actually gave birth, Ian came out facing backward, I had so much low back pain because of it that I spent my time leaning forward. The final moment of birth, Ian came out behind me and the midwife unwrapped the cord from around him, and then passed him forward to me in the water (I had a beautiful full water birth like I’d always wanted). The cord was wrapped, but loosely so no serious risk, and my midwife was so amazing she handled it perfectly. But it meant that my visualization was 100% accurate, the midwife and Nathan saw baby before I did.

Now I have a series of new visions just like that. They are so vivid, feel so wonderful, that I can’t help but believe they are the same thing. So, Dr. Z or not, I believe that all of us will overcome our limiting beliefs and the end result will be a very happy, prosperous, poly family, with love overflowing between us all. I choose to hold onto that, and utilize Dr. Z as a tool to reinforce the need to stay focused and do my mental homework. I will rewrite my brain to better days, and I am appreciative for Nathan’s support along the way, and I look forward to the day I have 2 loves by my side. Love can and will prevail, regardless of mental conditioning of any kind. Blessed Be.