Tag Archives: happy thoughts

I love.

I’m super tired and we’re still not completely done with clearing out the rental. I’ve had to go back to work, so the pace slowed in a major way with Nathan doing his best to wrap up the rest. To top it off I definitely strained/sprained my shoulder and have had to do everything available to attempt to get it back to functionality as quickly as possible. That process has left me feeling better physically, but open to energetic junk and I have spent all day feeling someone’s extreme sadness. I fought tears all afternoon promising myself I would not cry on clients again.

To that end I have done everything I could to attempt to stay buoyant. I created a list of “I love” mentally to repeat to get through my afternoon.

  • I love kitties, small and big.
  • I love sunshine.
  • I love soft fuzzy warm blankets.
  • I love feeling good.
  • I love my hair (even though I need a haircut desperately, it still looks decent and is soft).
  • I love flowers.
  • I love beautiful things.
  • I love being able to feel others (most of the time) because it helps me to help them. (Occasional exceptions apply).
  • I love Tesla cars.
  • I love alternate energy sources.
  • I love cute babies.
  • I love seeing my children have fun and smiling.
  • I love my strength.
  • I love real wood floors… And tile.
  • I love fire and fireplaces.
  • I love colorful things.
  • I love the first snow of the year (especially if I get to stay home).
  • I love massages.
  • I love candles,crystals, and gemstones… All pretty things.
  • I love having fun.
  • I love cuddling and snuggling with Nathan, kids and pets.
  • I love lemon water.
  • I love spring and Autumn- flowers blooming and colorful leaves.
  • I love celebrating anything.
  • I love seeing others be supported by friends and family… I told the office manager I’m just a little jealous and want to be like her when I grow up because she has so many good friends that show up for her.

There was more, but tired and achy just won.

May you have speedy recoveries, healthy days, and feel good mostly. May your tears stay at bay when needed and may you always have good friends that show up for you. May your list of loves be plentiful and present, and easily remembered when absent. May you have all the rest you need and energy for all your activities, chosen and otherwise.

Good night y’all.

Siva Hir Su

Already on the bus.

So I’ve finished reading “The Energy Bus” and realize now that I’ve already gotten my bus going. It’s been a slow start, bumpy ride, with a few breakdowns already, but my bus is generally pointed the right direction and moving.

Really I’ve been driving my bus for a while, but just need more focus and helpful passengers

I have my committed passengers, in for the full ride- my family by marriage and by giving birth.

I have my semi-committed or part time riders, people in my daily and work life that are generally as helpful as they can be, but can’t necessarily stay for the whole ride. Sometimes they’re on and sometimes they’re busy on their own bus.

I have at least one passenger, maybe 2 or 3 that I’m hoping are like the character Michael. Where they removed themselves, but ultimately come around, and end up finding themselves wanting to make positive changes too, and join my bus again. That would be nice, not just for my bus, but for them- their state of being- and because it will validate messages I got what seems like forever ago. May we all master only feeding the good dog.

So far I’ve already ejected a few of what was termed “Energy Vampires” from my bus, and there’s one big one that needs to go yet. Fortunately, those from my biological family have mostly removed themselves from my life, so that’s one less hurdle.

With all that being said, this book leaves me acknowledging I have steps to go yet.

I have used this blog to write about Atira many times, but it’s scattered through multiple posts and partial posts, and I’m not sure I’ve ever reinforced the entirety of the complexity of that to those on board my bus, even if part time. I think it would help to get more concise with my desires, vision, and focus so that there is one document I can reference. Maybe even to give them copies.

I still have a ways to go to ensure I’m only feeding the good dog, and fueling my bus with positive energy. I have the basic idea, but have some practicing to do to maintain it, because I do let fear and stress get the better of me frequently.

Also, I totally spend too much time worrying about people that don’t get on my bus. I will get better at acknowledging maybe it’s too soon for them or they have other reasons for not joining my route. It’s not personal to me, it’s personal for them and their journey.

Additionally, I still have a ways to go on demonstrating my own enthusiasm and love. I already do both, but often allow myself to be easily deflated, especially when my efforts go unnoticed, unacknowledged, or unresponded to. Then once I’ve been deflated, I definitely still struggle to get back up and give another go.

I also need to find my purpose in everything better. It’s easy for me when what I’m doing is part of my vision for Atira, but much much harder when my task-at-hand is seemingly unrelated. That is evidence of not fully knowing that “everything happens for a reason”. I must trust more and find how everything relates. How does what I’m doing fit with my journey and fuel my bus.

Lastly, a huge must: start having more fun and enjoying the ride more. It’s not that I don’t at all, but I really succumb to stress easily. I’m latching onto the books’ phrase “you can’t feel stressed when you feel blessed”. That is my biggest new goal. To be “too blessed to be stressed”.

With that I wanted to share the list of rules the book went over:

And finally, I wanted to share an Abraham Lincoln quote (below) from the book that really resonated with me. My life journey fine-tuned to that direction after the online stranger woke my dreams up in me. I realized I may fail, I may never actually get there, but giving up all together- ignoring who I’ve become- is far worse than failing. I must remain true to who I am and where I’d like to go, if I’m to ever find consistent happiness and have any chance at all of possibly making it there. I want my light to shine bright from here until my dieing days.

Again, thank you for hanging in with me and joining at least the written part of my ride. I sincerely hope you benefit from my words in one way or another.

Getting Somewhere… I think.

I needed help, I sent prayer requests to everyone I knew- regardless of religious preference, with the basics of what was going on. Even though I choose to reference myself as a Pagan, and view god in several different manifestational aspects, I see everyone’s connection with God as vital and helpful, so I ask anyone that is spiritual in any way, for support when I need it.

The church at work has come through with some help in a variety of ways, I am so grateful. I am really seeing how churches are really like companies, they bring people together for a common purpose and get the job done. Their purpose is just the spiritual side of things, and solidifies my belief in goals for Atira. I look forward to one day finding my pastor for the Temple of Atira at the heart of Atira community.

So, I needed a home, good enough for now. We’ve found just that. My husband stumbled onto a house in an OK neighborhood, not the best, but not the worst either. When he called, the landlord had 2 houses and one other person interested. We looked at both and put in our request, and I let God decide which was better for us right now- knowing they were essentially the same house, neighborhood, and cost. When the landlord called back, we got the one with the basement that is about mile closer to work, but no central air.

The house was a $100.00 per month over our goal. I had already expressed the need for a significant raise to my manager when they were contemplating hiring me back full time. So I told God I’ll definitely need that raise and then some if I’m going to start chipping away at getting ahead of my ball of mess.

The very day that my husband secured our new home with a deposit, my manager called me in. The offer: Tuesday through Saturday 8 hour days, $16/hr to start since I’ve jumped in and helped out so well. Once they figure out who is landing in what roles permanently, I’ll be bumped to $17/hr, and when I complete their online training program that will earn another $1/hr. So the faster I complete that, the better. IF I can get my A1C down from pregnancy/allergies and reinstate my medical card on my CDL I’ll get another bump (though that was more vague).

Regardless for now, I will have to continue to do massage. I’m giving the care-giving job nearly 3 weeks notice, and that will give me time to adjust my massage schedule. All will have to be set by October 28th, as that is the start of the first week full time for the offered position. I’m moving 2 of my buildings and as many individuals as possible to Sundays. My Mondays will stay the same fully booked at 2 of my long standing facilities. I will officially be working 7 day weeks, every week, but my days will be shorter with a 15-20 min commute and Sundays being most likely half days. I’ll actually get to see my children a little more than right now. So that’s a bonus.

As part of my new role I’m jumping into a book that the company started a couple of months ago, and each week they covered a couple of chapters during the weekly meetings. Since they’re already on chapter 24, I am cramming the reading of the book into one weekend to get caught up, so that I can present the next pair of chapters on Tuesday.

It’s called “The Energy Bus” by Jon Gordon, and so far I’m just hitting the chapters where the 10 rules for life are being started. The chapter I’m on (7), ends with a writing exercise, so I thought it apropos to write my answers down here.

  1. My vision for my life (including health) is:
    • I want to heal both my brain and my body. I see myself at a healthy weight (150-160 lbs) that is easy to maintain, almost effortless. I see myself having healed my digestive system so that it rarely reacts to small things and a place where only bigger intrusions become noticeable. I see myself being able to tell others that I have healed my brain enough that depression rarely rears its head, and I am generally in a good, happy place in life. I see myself in a place where I love myself every day, all day, and finally put a stop to self-degrading and self-limiting beliefs and language. I want to own my health fully and completely and know that I can sometimes have things without it hurting me physically or mentally. That I have built a fortress of good health.
  2. My vision for my work, career, job, and team is:
    • Ultimately, I see owning my own community: Atira, but not just for elderly. I see having Atira help adults of all walks of life and thus help many, many families. You can’t please everyone, but you can build a community that attracts only those that it desires to please, and that is my end goal.
    • I can see how my current work is giving me an eye into the vast complexity of what an organization like that means. I am getting a first hand glimpse into what it takes to run such a vast community, especially staffing needs and logistical breakdowns, and I can see that I have quite a ways to go before I solidly know how manage something so complex. I am grateful for this opportunity and it’s guidance, and I know that in time I will have the knowledge that I need to go and Start Atira.
    • I see that though it is a process to learn all of the things needed to build my community, I am the only one that controls the flow. I am the speed of the river, so I am the only one that can dictate how long it will take me to learn all of the things I need to know to accomplish building Atira. I state here that I wish to keep things moving: as soon as I master one step, I wish to be in a stable footing to take the next step comfortably. I know that the step I’m on is entertainment coordinator, and I am comfortable with some of the elements, but still working on logistical juggling and paperwork aspects. It will come quickly. I will find my groove. When I do and I can demonstrate maintaining the flow for a few months, I look forward to the next step: managing a team of people that do the leg work for an organization.
    • I know that I will need some minimal additional training to make that next step in someone else’s organization, so I ask that the universe provide the opportunity at little to no cost to me and in a manner that I can easily fit it into my work schedule and life. I foresee this training being more easily accommodated after the first of the year, and after I have nearly mastered my current role.
    • Once I master my current role, and gain the additional training I see that the logical next step is to find a new position with that added training. I know that taking steps forward like that can seem daunting, but it is an important learning experience and I acknowledge that I have done it many times before and will be able to do it again and again until I have mastered each level along the way to running a full community. It will come in time, and I just need to remind myself of that occasionally so that I remain patient with myself and with the process.
      • Here I want to be clear, all these steps are to further my end goal of Owning Atira Community, even if it takes decades. I don’t merely wish to learn how to climb the corporate ladder and work my way up another person’s company. I see other companies, careers, and jobs (even my massage work) as real life training to reach my life purpose, and work toward my life goal. I trust that the divine will put people in my life that can help me accomplish that, with the understanding that at some point I may have a job just like they hold now, maybe with the same company, maybe a different company. The company is of less concern to me, the goal of learning what I need to learn and making the money I need to make are of more importance.
      • That which betters me, and helps me help my family and others, is of utmost importance. I want to be the best I can be for my ultimate goal of having a self-sustaining charitable-community/company to better this world in the name of the Divine.
    • I know God supports my end desire, and so he supports my steps to getting there, Everything will come in proper timing and easily for me to acknowledge and carry out. The divine, the universe will provide if I trust.
  3. My vision for my relationship and family is:
    • I love my husband, and want to do better at showing it. He deserves that, because he has given everything he could to me. He has given me the best of himself repeatedly over the last 14 years, and literally saved my life more times than I can count. The challenges I see him face, I know well and I wish more than anything that we both could feel adequate in our familial roles.
    • I still want family- bigger and more supportive than just my husband is able to accomplish. I think it would go a long ways to helping us both feel more adequate, enabling us to relax into knowing there are more hands and more dollars to spare. I know that the people we have attempted that with had similar wishes and desires, but for many reasons not needing stated here, it just didn’t work.
      • I look forward to finding the people that do fit our needs, mesh with us optimally, and have the same desires, and hold the same level of flexibility and forgiveness for general lapses on anyone’s part. We’re all in this game called life, learning how to get through, and mistakes will get made, none of them are the end of the world, but that has to be acknowledged on all sides. The ball can and will get dropped, but someone has to be willing to pick up the pieces and help to put them back together. That is family. Sticking together and helping each other pull up even in adversity, knowing that acting in the good of the family will eventually pay off in furthering the success of the family- be it more love, happiness, success, or prosperity.
        • Sometimes being selfish means finding a way to align your needs with a greater cause. (Kill two birds with one stone, so to speak). I’d love to have a family full of people that can do that.
    • I want to spend more time with my children and have days off, while still making more than enough.
      • As I’ve said several times I would go nuts if I just stayed home with kids, that is my version of aligning selfishness with working for the greater good. Right now that means working 7 days a week and having every evening to be with kids. However, I would love to get to a point in my wage earnings that I could comfortably work 4- 10 hour days and have part or all of the other 3 for kids, I think that is my happy medium-nearly ideal. Because, right now I work 6-10 hour days with a 7th shorter one, and I still count my blessings for the evenings I spend with them, but do get down for wishing I had more time with them. I also tend to have a shorter fuse when I work too many hours, so 4 long days is more manageable than 6 long days.
      • Ultimately that means higher dollar per hour wages and having to let go of something somewhere. God/the universe will help me straighten that one out in time.
    • More cuddle time, and more fun time. This links back to both bettering my relationship with Nathan, and with the kids, and with finding family. It’s hard to do if there’s no time left to do it. My time equation is out of balance at the moment, but when alignment is found, my time equation will balance with time for fun family activities and time for cuddling everyone. I look forward to that.
    • I want my kids to look back on their childhood and remember the good things and fun times, and realize that I overcame challenges and adversity to help our family have better.
    • I want them to know I ended up being a positive influence in their lives.

And with that I have completed chapter 7 of “The Energy Bus” 17 more chapters to catch up by Tuesday…. if there are more exercises to write down, you’ll get another post from me. Thank you for being patient with me when I’m down, and thank you for reading my blog. I really appreciate the support knowing that there are people out there that find my words at least interesting enough to check in occasionally, and the occasional comment lets me know that my process is helping others at times. For that I am utterly grateful.

Oscillating again.

I’m having a devil of a time attempting to stay buoyant these days. Between the discouraging lack of affordable decent housing, and being unable to let go of and move on from the boy, I keep finding myself in the hole. It doesn’t help that my depression puzzle pieces keep falling out of place, not all at the same time, but it seems I struggle to keep 3 or 4 of the six together at any given moment. It definitely contributes to my down-ness.

Anyway, this post is intended to get my mind on happy thoughts for as long as I can, so it might end up being long (apologies in advance).

 My goal is to show what I would love for the inside of my home to look like. Right now I’m really, really far from my desired look, and no one picture or item conveys the complexity of what I want. So I’m going to show as many elements as I can and describe what I like about them or why. 

My examples are pulled from online(google), and there’s a bunch of pictures, so I didn’t cite their sources. However, most of them, the screen shots caught the descriptions, so you’re welcome to get to them that way. I just want to clarify that these are all found images that I happen to appreciate, I take no credit for their existence.

So to start, I wanted to show furniture styles that I have always liked. I love furniture that looks clean and simple, but also is very functional. These pics are things that represent styles I’ve always liked. The qualifier here is I also like color, so even though these are muted colors, I’d rather have beautiful shades of reds and greens and blues. 

The sofa I love because it’s not only a guest sleeper, but it has a huge storage compartment under the chaise, and it’s affordable.

Chairs: I still like clean lines and simple designs, but I much prefer high back chairs for good back and neck support.

Chaise: I don’t know why, but I’ve always wanted just one of these. Perhaps it’s because several of my favorite novels from years back had one in their story lines.

Bedroom happiness: more clean lines, more organization. Color, in the bedroom, for me, falls in linens, curtains, and wall colors, so I’m OK with neutral colored furniture. I usually prefer lighter neutral furniture, but I do think I’d like to try having the dark woods in my own bedroom for a change. The more easy storage the better, it helps reduce and eliminate clutter.

I’d love to have a huge closet with built in customized shelves and drawers, but the more realistic, regular life solution is the very affordable Ikea beauties I like below. Mmmm that  would be nice.

Finally the environment: I do love color. I have always loved color like you find in Mexico, Greece, India, and China. At one point I thought it would be amazing to have a room decorated with each feel in mind. I also thought it would be great to have color themed bedrooms like castles in England… ” you’ll be staying in the blue (or green, etc.) room, just down the hall, first door on the left”. I’m not sure I’d actually go that far, but it’s a nice idea. So, with that in mind, here are some color schemes I found that I like.

The first three images, I also love the open spaciousness and simplicity. I love that they look clean, and homey, but not filled with clutter. Just enough artwork to be  interesting, but not too much for the eyes to take in.

More themed color and great storage.

These last 3 I really love the colors, but they are a bit more busy and cluttered looking than I’d like.

So now, you have a good idea of what I’d love for my home to look like. I’m sure there’s more I could elaborate on, but this is definitely a good start, and spending the time looking for pics and writing about the results definitely got my mind in a better place. That much was a great success. Here’s to more up moments, and hopefully to a great birthday soon as well.

Happy New Year and many blessings!

This message is short and to the point. Have a beautiful New Year with many blessings. 

Regardless if you choose to make resolutions or not, find space in your heart and your schedule to share kindness with your fellow humans and spread love in the coming year. That is what I wish for everyone, love, kindness, and many, many blessings. (Which I believe that the latter automatically follows the 2 former).

It is one of my many goals for the coming year. Along with better self-care, self-love, and hopefully making strides to improve life for my family.

May you all meet your own goals in the coming year so we can all celebrate a better time this time next year!

Wonderful life and names…

Today’s movie at work: “It’s a Wonderful Life”-  a classic. I forgot how funny some of the scenes were.

Anyway, having seen it many times, guess what… My mind is wandering.

I keep thinking about baby names. I suppose it’s appropriate considering I’m about half way through.

With Ian’s pregnancy I kept thinking and saying Sarah. I saw that name everywhere, and it would pop out of my mouth when it was totally the wrong name to use. So much so, that I was convinced he was a girl named Sarah. Literally about 2 weeks before he was born Nathan cornered me on a backup boy name, At which point I said I had known a good kid in highschool named Ian, and always liked the name because it was a good Celtic name that was easy. Nathan agreed and said he too had known good Ian’s.  Then when Ian was born I lifted his leg to discover he was a boy. I was befuddled. It took us nearly a week to settle his name completely, adding a middle name based upon Nathan’s best friends’ name. He had passed away the night after Ian’s birth of a bizarre infection and I thought it was good to honor him by finding a variant that fit with Ian.

So fast forward. I keep seeing Kate and Katie and Joti and Jodi. I had to look them up not wanting to fall for the same thing that happened with Ian. If I was going to go with a god given name I was going to make sure I had both boy and girl versions picked.

Kate and Katie are variants of a name that has multiple ancient appearances all meaning PURE. Ancient Greek being Kati and Hindi being Katti, both originally being boys names, or so my research said. 

I found it interesting that regardless of culture it means the same thing. I also found it interesting that once upon a time it was used for boys and has gone through variations for both genders.

 As far as a girl goes, I’ve always liked the Irish variation Katherine, but I’m having trouble with any of the boy variations except Katti with an emphasis on the “ka” sound. I’m still not sure I like it wholeheartedly, so I’ve been looking through was thousands of boy names that mean pure, I’m not sold on anything completely yet.

So moving on I looked up Joti. Discovering I had it misspelled and it is really spelled Jyoti, and it too has boy variations. I discovered it means LIGHT, like the light of a candle/flame. So I looked up Jodi and discovered it has the same meaning, it’s a westernized variation. 

After looking up both names and discovering they mean “pure light” together, I was in awe. My baby is pure light. I love that name meaning.

Katherine Jyoti sounds pretty to me. 

For boy… I Haven’t figured out a boy version of light that I really like yet. I thought about Katti Lugh or Katti Lughna. Lugh, Lug, & Lughna are variations on the Celtic god of light, but I felt like that might need work. Aiden & Egan mean fire, & Evin is radiant. 

I prefer the Celtic names as first names, but if I switch the order, not only does it put the name meanings out of order, but then I feel like Katti doesn’t sound good as a middle name either. Evin Katti or Aiden Katti just didn’t sound right to me.

So again I’m stuck. I love the girls’ name and it’s beautiful meaning. If I gave birth to a girl tomorrow I’d be set.

But I’m not falling for that one again. I’m going to be prepared for both. So the boy’s name search continues. At least I have a solid direction, and an idea of what I’m looking for. I just need to find a combination I love as much as the girl’s version.

The cat is out of the bag.

Today we treated Anya to her favorite restaurant. A surprise, and one that we enjoyed because it bothers her so much to be surprised. We knew this was to try and make telling her the news a good feeling event.

We teased and poked a little fun. Then we invented a story. We told her I was pregnant. Right as she was about to cry- tears, not of happiness, we confessed that it was another tease. No baby on the way for her to have to help with, at least yet!

Then we told her the real news.

Essentially, I was giving her a heads up on the man that I feel is important in my/our lives. I told her what I knew about him- the facts. That he’s kind and compassionate. That he’s getting married soon, but that I know very little about his betrothed. I told her that he knows all about her, and Nathan interjected that he really knows more about all of us than we really know about him. I told her we’d been talking off and on for a year and a half. I told her that if things progress that it could be really good for our little family. I told her his work, his goals, some of his ideas.

Then I told her about how I’d told him of some of our goals and ideas and how they aligned. I told her how I felt really really good about him and hoped it would eventually progress to more. I told her that I hoped I would get to know more about his fiancee/ soon to be wife.

I explained how all of these feelings were really based on things I had seen in meditation and flashes of insight in my head. How it is all intuition, that I can’t prove any of it right now. I described all of the things I’d seen and felt and reminded her of past events like that (her mom dying, Ian’s birth, etc.) that ended up coming true. [I’m going to write on what that is like later in the week.]

Out of all of that, she seemed to care little about a potential other significant other, she was concerned most when I mentioned that we might potentially move again. She went straight to fear, worried that we would move too far from her friends. I was quick to point out what she had just done. Chiding her for not watching any of the law of attraction videos I’d sent to her. Also chiding her over the fear itself, pointing out that she regularly visits Nebraska for extended periods, and mostly to visit her friends. That despite her mom being dead 4 years now, she still has those friends in Nebraska. I also had to point out that it won’t be long until both she and her friends are of driving age and possibilities become even more vast at that point.

I essentially pointed out that she should work more on seeing the good possibilities, because that is what I’ve been working on, and it is slowly taking hold and opening doors for me. I can see the benefit and I hope she does too.

So now, the cat is out of the bag, she knows that I’m very, very interested in someone and hoping that they’ll be a significant other soon. My hope of all of this is that she’ll take the encouragement and start exploring all of the good possibilities that could come of that and really many other things in our life. I look forward to my family growing together, that we all find upliftment and change our lives as a whole family for the better. That’s true progress regardless of what happens externally.