Tag Archives: happy thoughts

Turning point.

FYI: there will be images with nudity, if under 18 please leave or read with parental guidance.

Sunday through to yesterday, I fought like hell to even come close to staying buoyant. Yesterday was my son’s birthday and I was determined to have a good evening with him. I was fighting so hard to stay buoyant that I took a small amount of a THC to ensure his birthday was enjoyable. It floated me through until bedtime for kids and then I relaxed a bit on my own before sleep.

Now today I have been able to stay positive all on my own, no herbs. Yet, more than that, there have been 3 things that might have normally trigger a nose dive and it hasn’t. One was bad news from a friend about her lump, and I keep telling her to stay positive that it’s just a cyst. Then there was a phone call gone awry to my husband. After apologies and mutually settling down, we realized something is in the air. Calm followed.

Then right at 1:11 I looked at a song notification on my phone, it seemed to carry a negative message; something about closing the door. Anyway, I deleted it without even listening to the song and looking at the clock I said thank you to the angels. I realized that it is my door and the only one that can close it is me. I am leaving my door open, but only for those that are able to work their way up vibrationally and be honest and respectful and helpful.

Somehow, I feel like I’ve had a turning point.

Another moment that seems to validate that is my self image. I had a moment last night where I realized the self image I have been struggling with is because of having let my father’s words and opinions win when I was a small child. I was told I was fat, unhealthy, lazy and not good for anything. Beyond that I was told and shown repeatedly through his actions and media that only perfect women were beautiful. I logically know that both sides are inaccurate, but I have been having trouble knowing the truth for me.

Finally last night it was like it became clear. I had a mental flash of Alexander Cabanel’s “Birth of Venus”. I very familiar with it from having done a study of it in my art education. The message that came with it was that is what God intended for me to look like before all of the negative programming took hold. That is why I find that body type so beautiful.

So then I spent some considerable time searching the internet for similar women in a variety of fine arts. I saved all of the images in a folder titled “I am Venus” to use as a reminder of what my spirit really wanted me to look like.

Here are those pictures, starting with the trigger image:

At this point, I’m know my body is not there, but I am so much closer than I used to be. I know it is within reach, and a little patience and focus is all I need. What I am grateful for is the knowing that this was my intended body all along. Even more gratitude is felt because it is a widely accepted body type. This body type has been considered beautiful for eons, enough to be in art of all types.

It feels really good to know that my higher self wanted me to have this beautiful body all along, and now that negatives are beginning to clear from my brain for real, it is more and more in reach.

I’m not sure what exactly has shifted, but I am very grateful for the shift and the eliminating of negative memories and programming in my brain and cells.

One moment at a time I am making progress. One step at a time I am leaving behind unhelpful attitudes and vibrations.

Finally, after my self-image revelation I had another revelation about my father. I must focus only on the helpful version of my father. I suspect I know what that will translate into, but it is the only way to prevent the negative from deflating me again. I must focus on him having accepted me wholley and completely, being supportive of my love Nathan and our children. I must focus on the positive side of anything I have ever thought about him. That is the only way to ensure his negatives bounce off of me, and eventually will actually equal helpfulness from his spirit.

To that end, I’m waivering on whether to release my blog to public again. I may spend another couple of days focusing and maintaining my higher vibrational alignment before I resume my normal. I hope those that really cared but didn’t reach out will have patience and understanding for my withdrawal.

May you see the good in everything. May you have patience during this heavy time of transition. May you see the beautiful person God intended you to be. May you find a way to align with the best of everything. May you love yourself and have patience with yourself beyond everything else. May you find a way to keep the negatives at bay and eliminate old negative programming from your brain and cells. May you see your progress and know that you are doing what is best for you without harm to others. May you find progress and help others along the way. May you know that God loves and supports you.

Siva Hir Su

The Why of Bad.

I have been contemplating the why of negative emotions this week from a practical standpoint. I am very familiar with Abraham Hicks and others that speak of wanting to focus on positive vibrations to attract more positive things into your life. I am also familiar with Abraham Hicks stating that negative emotions feel negative because they oppose the way your spirit feels about something. These are not new concepts to me, and I have worked with them heavily for several years now. However, I find that it is a good reminder for myself to look at things through these lenses, and anytime I find a good reminder for myself I feel like it would also help others.

So I am going to break down things that have come across my mind lately and reach for the possible whys of the negativity felt. Essentially, what is one thought that feels like it is in closest proximity to what my spirit feels on the subject. I am probably going to use many topics to convey this to cover as many different ideas as possible, but I am going to start with a few close to my heart.

I have been picking up on negative trains of thought floating through my experience. I believe a lot of it was and continues to be triggered by my incessant father’s negativity. Even with his moving to Arizona, I can not seem to completely detach that cord formed at birth. I have merely managed to squeeze it off to a tiny trickle. However, negativity is all around these days and it’s not hard to bump up against negative thoughts. What I am discovering is that when I bump up against a negative thought it seems to give me the negative of whatever is on my mind, so things I generally am okay on, will suddenly become a bothersome thought. That’s why I am choosing to start with my own stuff because it is what is on my mind the most.

My others, just a couple of examples:

I have been contemplating the 3 in my experience a lot because I can feel them as being very active in my heart center again. I will call the person from India and their connected person “the duo”- they are the ones I feel left and right of heart center. Based on my recent reach out, I think I now know who the left is, but may have missed the mark on the right side. The 3rd person is an american man, he holds the position just below heart center- not quite to solar plexus area, so I’ll just refer to him as “Beau”. All 3 have been active for me for quite some time now, but The Duo has been active for over 5 years at this point. Being they still reside in my heart, I know they are significant and will eventually mean something. Generally speaking I accept all 3 as being very significant for me personally and already consider them family due to their seemingly permanent residence in my energetic awareness. Most of the time I feel their emotions (including arousal and negative emotions) or awareness of something I did. I have had a strong knowing for a long time now that all 3 will eventually come around to making some sort of commitment in my life. It is the knowing and the dreams that I keep circling back to as a reminder, because every single thing in my life that had that knowing eventually came true. So really, there is no real doubt in my mind that it will eventually be clear, make sense, and pan out as my knowing has informed me. My only confusion lies in the how and when, and really that is what the journey called life is all about. No need to take the fun out of the journey.

However, there have been those moments of energetic bumper cars that have caught me off guard or set me on brief doubt-tangents. I have so far been able to course correct on every single one, but occasionally it takes me a short bit to realize that is what happened, so I’m not instantaneously correcting yet. Here are some examples:

“Nathan needs to go, you’re mine.” Feels negative, because my inner being knows that Nathan is a very loved fixture in my life, the same as my children, and anyone wanting to be in my life will simply have to accept that. I don’t require a significant other to do anything specific with Nathan, just accept him as part of my family and interact with him as you would any other platonic family member. He is an adult, so basic respect and adult conversation would be necessary, but otherwise go as deep or as superficial as you care to. There is also an element of needing to acknowledge my desire for polyamory. I have been honest about that from the start, and I care about these people, and I know they care about me. So, since we all care and I have been completely honest about my needs, there is no need for anyone to be rejected or eliminated. My paradigm of conscious choice does not need adjusted because someone chose to look outside of an enforced paradigm and found me. If you found what you were seeking, then obviously I am perfectly fine just the way I am.

“You’re focused on the wrong things.” (I actually got that message through a song notification, directly following another called “I’ve been watching you”- a bit creepy especially since I’ve wondered if one of the 3 has someone digitally stalking me or manipulating/hacking my device.) Both concepts feel negative because for one the stalking/hacking thing is a huge red flag for a perp., and for two it seems like someone judging my thoughts, processes, and emotions based on their external input. Assuming that God is just trying to convey their mental space to me and no actual stalking/hacking is happening, I can then just look at the judgments. I may be focusing on the wrong things for them, but I know my predominant emotions these days and know my train is headed towards good mostly. I am gradually building forward momentum on the higher vibration end of the train. I know what I want- ALL the layers, and somehow I know that these 3 people are God’s choice for best fit for things I desire. I look forward to seeing that pan out and for my existing family to blend with them. When I think of the elements I do know for certain I generally feel really good. Even when I think of things I would like in less certain contexts I also feel good. I have gotten really good at stopping negative tangents in relation to these 3 people. I generally feel good about all 3 and the few things I have been hurt over are not life ending, and could readily be corrected with truth and apologies. So feeling negative from being told I’m focused improperly is a really good validation that I am indeed focused properly and thinking about positive things for me personally.

So, yes generally I am looking forward to seeing this part of my journey out, and the bumper car negative thoughts are being handled more and more readily. I am finding more consistent positive thought, and I look forward to my people manifesting positively. I know they are capable of accepting Nathan and I know that they will find their way through their half of this mutual journey just fine.

A couple of examples from current events- I’ll do my best to be more brief:

Fear of Covid, getting sick, getting other sick, etc.- Fear feels bad. Fear is the opposite of what your spirit thinks. Your spirit is not afraid of catching this virus. Your spirit knows you have the ability to heal if you allow it. Your spirit also knows that if you fail in the allowing, that death is merely a new beginning, and though anyone you left behind would be sad, it is not your journey to be consumed by their grief. Either way, it is okay. Additionally, you can not create in another’s experience. If you coughed the virus on 10 people, all 10 could have completely different responses. You spread the virus equally, but their consciousness and their vibrational level was what determined whether they got sick or to what degree. This applies to every aspect of life and your inner being knows it. I wear a mask these days only to soothe people that don’t know this information. I’m not afraid, they really don’t need to be afraid, but I don’t need to make their already fear based mindset worse by challenging them when they are battling an uphill thought battle to begin with. It is easier for me to wear the mask and do my best to soothe their minds and help them find better more productive thoughts. That is being a lightworker.

“Trump is a light-worker/good for humanity” I even got told that someone referred to Trump as a Demigod. I’m sorry, there are many things that Trump is, but none of these apply. Beyond the ludicrosity of calling him a Demi-God, I feel I must ferret out the rest. They feel bad to me because my spirit knows that these statements are just OFF. Here’s the deal, a light-worker is here to not just help themselves, they are here to help humanity progress in massively positive ways. Trump is only out to get what he wants at all costs. He is not doing anything that actively helps humanity. The closest thing to helping humanity is that he IS helping us to see what needs fixed, so like my father he is serving as a valuable bad example. He is teaching us what not to do for certain. In that way he is helping humanity, but there are so many alternatives to his actions that he is most definitely not demonstrating the best choices. Light-workers are supposed to aim at the best choices possible to help the most people. So Trump is failing on both fronts. The only thing that Trump is good at is using the Law of Attraction. He is spectacular at getting what he wants no matter what is going on around him. Because of that I hope he has a massive cardiac event and saves humanity the trouble of trying to over-ride his really really bad decisions while he is still alive. He is a colossal bad example which gives true light-workers a direction to aim. We can use his skills with Law of Attraction, but aim for polar opposite results and actually better the world and improve things for humanity. Trump is merely a learning tool for light-workers to do their best, in the realm of even the negatives have value in clarity. Use the skill, but do this, not that. A powerful lesson is never equivalent to light-work or Demi-God.

In closing:

I had a thought after the Trump trigger-conversation that “the aliens must be fucking with us”. It was a sarcastic statement, but one that made me laugh. So, functioning under the assumption that vibrational alignment and emotion based discernment are a really thing, then the aliens must actually be fucking with us. However, from my perspective that isn’t really a bad thing. It means that if Trump does get completely out of control they will likely step in. In the meantime, it is probably in a effort to help the rest of us somewhat sane humans learn to control our brains for the betterment of humanity. I appreciate that thought immensely. If that really is the end goal, which because it feels so good probably is, then I am totally on board. I will gladly play along with the challenges to heal my brain and body and aim for a better human race. At this point I am no gold medal winner in positive thought correction, but I am getting better and better at it every day. I look forward to the day that I am so focused that I get really good shit really quickly, and unlike Trump my choices have always and will always be aimed at helping as many people as I can. I do wish to help humanity and will go out of my way to manifest things that help more than just myself. I’m off to a slow but steady start and I look forward to more positive momentum.

May you see your thought journey gaining positive momentum. May you reach for helping humanity while you help yourself. May you master overriding the bogus negative-thought bumper-cars. May you be doubt free and focused on positive outcomes. May you see ways to help humanity grow and progress in amazingly positive ways. May you have positive manifestations to validate your progress. May you see your ripple in the world. May you help soothe others’ fears. May you bring light to this dark world. May you see only the best in others and this world.

Siva Hir Su

The hardest love of all:

Is to love yourself.

I was thinking about my dad, and those few that don’t want me. I was finding the place of why unconditional love is important. I can not erase that any of them left their mark on my life or my heart. I can not undo the hurts left behind, and acknowledge that my perspective on everything was a large part of why I did get hurt. The frequent emotional and infrequent physical abuse of my father was because he didn’t know any better. He never learned better ways to handle things and no one ever taught him how to control himself. He was taught to rule with an iron fist and had no reason to do anything else. From his perspective he was teaching me valuable lessons. Decades later I have learned valuable lessons, but not the ones he intended.

If you can love the difficult ones to love, then everything else gets easier.

I accept that my father is who he is. He still helped bring me into this world and many of his actions helped me to make it through to adulthood. Even more, some of his better traits have helped me to be successful.

If I hold myself in anger or resentment for the negatives of my childhood I will wipe out and eliminate all of the good things from the same time period. “What fires together wires together.” (“What the bleep do we know” movie) If you practice a thought pattern it makes it harder and harder to reach thoughts that are different. Focusing on the negatives and hurts would make it harder and harder to reach any thoughts of love. That in turn would cause hurt for myself because I was focusing on the worst instead of the best, and creating more of the resulting negative chemical storm in my body.

Up until about 5 years ago I had a mix of thoughts and emotions, which leaned very negative. It was a large reason I battled depression so heavily. My brain had already wired itself to lean more negatively, and had done significant damage to my entire body.

As much as I have every right to carry anger, resentment, hate, even rage over my father and other hurtful situations, I have gotten to a place where it simply isn’t worth it. I respect myself enough to want health and healing, and all of those negatives hold me apart from that. Even past relationships that left me sad or disappointed are a hindrance to the healing I seek.

Over the last five years, thanks to a failed intense personal connection and a book from a therapist, I have slowly begun to shift my mix of thoughts to the more positive spectrum. I’m not perfect and I still very much have a mix. But my mix has crossed from originally imbalanced negative, to 50/50, to now I am imbalanced positively (a very good thing). To me that is a huge relief in my knowing. I am doing so much better than I was.

I am beginning to understand what it means to love myself. It is hard though.

My brain still wants to suck me back to negativity and depression, I have to work at focusing on better thoughts. It is not effortless, just not physically measurable. Most days I win the battle. Sometimes it is very challenging to just come out with the even split.

Then there are moments like the one that triggered this post.

I was trying to translate blog posts of another writer that had come across my blog. I was using Google translate fairly successfully. The second post I attempted to translate went haywire over halfway through. I believe that somehow the data was manipulated. There is the possibility my device has been hacked, I’ve considered that several times over. However, these moments are not in a trackable pattern, they don’t happen consistently. The sporadic nature of these moments leads me to believe the it is somehow caused by energetic or divine intervention. Anyway, essentially the translate function was working great and then 3 paragraphs were translated into 3 phrases which repeated. The one that stuck in my cogs was along the lines of: “it’s not that I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you”. Both of the other instances were the same glitch but different phrases, one about women and one about choices.

I instantly reacted in a particular negative way instantly wanting to connect it to the failed hopeful of a couple years ago that I had gotten so attached to. Then I caught myself and stepped back.

It’s not worth it.

So what they didn’t see me as valuable. So what they didn’t find love for me. So what that they left me hanging without the decency of an explanation or the truth of the things I knew they were hiding. So what they ghosted me and chickened out. So what they couldn’t even tell me to go Eff off. So what they came and went so many times I felt like I was being effed with.

Those are not truly my problems, they are theirs. Mine problem is mostly perspective and alignment. I used that moment of thought to realign.

I will still send my love because I felt them and God only encourages that for me when it is important. I often don’t understand why, but eventually it always becomes clear. I will still love the moments that brought joy. I will still love the good conversations. I will still love that we shared goals, hopes, and dreams. I will still love that despite all the mistakes we both made, there was an element of genuine connection. I will still love the idea of the possibilities which that relationship stirred. I will still love the person on the other end of that energetic cord because they did touch my life and leave me wanting more. I will still love them because I know whether they ever tell me or not, they learned a lot in our interaction. I will love them because their soul felt good and brought me joy when I really needed it. I will still love them because now we both want better endings. I will still love them because everything that happened helped me to focus and become a better person. I will still love them because they are a human trying to get through this difficult thing we call life.

Sadness and disappointment happen, lies and mistakes happen; but it’s all of the reasons to love and keep loving that make the world a better place. It’s the love that heals us and moves us into better places throughout our lives. I would rather have the love, the healing, the relief, and I have finally found a place where with a little mental effort I can usually flip to the positive end of the spectrum. That is priceless and I am eternally grateful.

May you see all the negatives in your life in the best possible way. May you learn to love even the difficult ones to love. May you see that love for others is a way to show yourself love. May you love and respect yourself enough to focus on the positives. May you find the loving relationships you seek. May you find your healing and the health you seek. May you embrace the hardest love of all, that of loving yourself wholley and completely. May you know that God loves you and supports you completely.

Siva Hir Su