Tag Archives: heal thyroid damage

Learning pain.

I learned from my family to hurt myself with food. I watched binges and holiday gorge fests. When I participated, I unconsciously registered and catalogued what things felt like after the meal, never quite understanding fully, the meanings behind certain painful moments.

I never knew the pain in my stomach was my body screaming at me to stop, because no one else in my experience was showing pain or stopping. I thought it was supposed to be that way, that is, until it was already a very hard to break habit. Now I do my best to listen for sensations before my tummy hurts. Not always being successful. I also do my best to eat foods that give “full” sensations sooner, because then I know I don’t get too close to that mark. Salads are very filling because they trigger a feeling of full long before your tummy runs out of room (they condense a lot in the chewing process and they are dense nutritionally). It leaves room for a little treat and still no danger of overeating pain. These days I aim for a few coated nuts or a bit of fruit, but being holiday season my daughter kindly made pumpkin pie using ground nuts for the crust. Vegan, and made of healthy ingredients for a small treat. It enables me to feel human and enjoy a morsel safely- thank you Anya. Growing up, my family had a ready supply of tasty treats from Little Debbie, Hostess and my mom’s own baking. It left for multiple servings a day, nearly every day for the first 19 years of my life. Now, I have an apple or pear mid day and something like Anya’s pumpkin pie (or the coated nuts) 3 to 5 times a week most weeks, with some heavy weeks and some empty weeks. Money doesn’t always stretch enough for sweets in our budget, but then sometimes bad habits not fully broken, sneak in and disrupt the balance for a bit. It’s a difficult cycle to maintain balance when I learned from an extreme environment. So I keep working at it.

Additionally, I never knew the pain in my brain and head, and resulting dizziness and depression, was too many omega 6’s from grains, and allergic reactions causing systemic inflammation from my immune system attacking my entire body. I just knew I couldn’t complete sentences, couldn’t keep my balance to save my life (so I seemed clumsy), would hit angry rage easily and then fall into deep despair, and alternated between sleeping all day and suicidal pretending to be functional. It was a daily cycle pattern by highschool. My thyroid was storming and crashing repeatedly, and my organs and joints were being eaten by my own immune system. Yet all I knew was overwhelming pain, hurting everywhere inside and out, and dibilitating misfunctions in my whole body. All I felt was dark despair and deep desolation. All I knew was something was horribly wrong and mom’s doctors weren’t fixing it because I was “low side of normal”. Later in college it was the same story with my daily cycle and unhelpful professionals, basic tests and no further exploration. It took me learning overlapping parts, investigating complex systems, and having many helpful intuitive moments with others’ conversations to find my answers over years of time. It isn’t something I started yesterday and I get really frustrated when people act like that, it is not something a 15 min conversation will solve, because I have enough hours invested to have been a collegiate course. Sadly, if it weren’t for a resource that tells me otherwise, I would think I know more, and more current information on the subject, than anyone else in KC, and because of it have been told by doctors it’s too complicated and to difficult to solve fully. It isn’t true, there are those that know more and can. Problem is that the few here in KC that really know it well, are out of reach for me for several reasons, insurance, finances, and waiting lists being the most common reasons. The last time I tried it was a doc at St Luke’s and I was passed to a minion that knew less than me. It is crushing to save $280 for a doc and then be shuffled to his PA that says “how about we start with a TSH test” when I know how to read thyroid labs and know a TSH test is a far too limited view  when it is the only test run, that your TSH can look relatively normal and all kinds of wrong be happening.

I would love to say that because I chose to learn what to know about the process happening in my body, and thus have skills and knowledge others don’t, that I know how to solve it. I can’t because, that’s a trick question. It’s a trick because there are to many variables. Da da duuuunn!

I know that diet is a major factor. I suspect some of those learned pain moments from childhood are the mental root of the physical patterns causing the physical pains. I know physical triggers are contributing to the immune response, and that when eliminated, my immune system calms down, but never seems to shut off completely. I know that my organs are damaged because of approximately 38 years of this process. I also know that with enough space, time and resources, literally anything can heal and many people have done it. Yet, my life seems hell bent on making it nearly impossible to eliminate all triggers and stress. I also know the CVid  set me back painfully far (just not as drastically noticable as Nathan), and seemingly made even more triggers arise. So at this point, I have new factors that didn’t exist 2 years ago. I have had to adjust everything multiple times up, and now I’m faced with having to adjust back down. I’m having difficulty finding middle ground with thyroid meds, supplements and food choices, each adjustment causing a ripple effect with the other elements. I’m having difficulty turning my immune system down enough for healing to continue. So, I know there are new factors, but at this point it’s easier to say what’s okay than what’s not okay. The okay list is so short already I just can’t figure out why my immune system is constantly on high alert. So the mechanics are there, and have been being used to the best of my ability and fairly detailed knowledge.  But where I used to keep symptoms away for weeks even a couple months at a time, now I’m having daily and weekly swings even when doing my absolute best with life circumstances. My lapses get fewer, smaller and father in between each week, yet my immune system never relents. I am managing massive inflammation daily to stay out of the crash loop, and eating cleaner than ever. I’ve had two known noticable lapses in 3 weeks, and one of those was completely out of my control, it was not even close to my fault. That leaves me to believe that either I have new allergens unresolved/identified, or that I am in the midst of a constant external pathogen attack. I simply am not certain which, and have no resources left to determine that with in depth lab testing. It could be covered in-part or all, if I could afford and actually schedule with one of the few very knowledgeable doctors. Some of them don’t take insurance, the others have wait lists and underlings.

Now, on being able to keep most of it at bay with diet. The failures are when I am unable to control the food in front of me. I have yet to figure out how not to eat when others are, and every dish has something to avoid; or when the only dish was prepared haphazardly; or gifted/shared by unaware individuals. Nearly all of my exposures lately have happened in situations beyond my control and which I felt I had very limited or no options. Fortunately, the office holiday celebration had the ability to do a salad with beans. But the other big gathering we attended, every single dish included something that wasn’t okay. It’s really hard not to eat when 75 others are, and your tummy says the food smells delicious, so I did my absolute best, which was still very far from my clean. Then I went a stretch where I just ate salads, one after another after another, and then my body signaled true starvation with tremors instead of using the fat on my belly and thighs. I had gone too far the other direction, but what to eat when you start to distrust anything working for your body?  I’m running out of creativity with other veggies, and I’m still not sure if one of my few is causing my inflammation immune attack. I should be able to eat more easily than this, and so, fasting is still a thing because it’s just easier and helps me clear out and detox some.

You might be getting the gist of all the layers and levels I’ve been trying to juggle. In the midst of Nathan’s dialysis, 7 months of increased duties at home, and resulting over-stored grief. Of all of that I was lone massage therapist for all but two months- helping many others solve their problems muscularly, and working diligently on 2 major art images. I don’t know I may have missed some things, cues that might have helped, or maybe it’s literally just the stress.

Stress is the ultimate trigger of all triggers.

So to that end, my new goal is to stay as clean as possible and still consume calories (you’d be surprised how opposing those 2 are right now), while making a concerted effort to reign in stress better. My goal is to use as much of my lunch break as possible to do yoga. Every day. That is 3 breaks a week. Eating a salad takes me 5 to 10 minutes based on size of the salad, and adjusting my office takes about another 5. My breaks are usually 90min. So most of those days I should be able to do a little over an hour of yoga. Fridays, being a shorter work day, I usually have at least one solid 30 min break, and even though I get to leave early, I rarely get to make use of that time for me. So the 30min break will have to do for yoga. Hopefully that addition to my week will be enough. My problem is for the last 2 weeks I’ve been doing other self care in my lunch. Some of that will have to continue elsewhere. Where?

So yeah, no easy fix, and why in the hell anyone would think I’m undereducated or a slacker is beyond me. You’d think they all know that by now.

So yes, this week I have struggled with my baseline, and when a full blown allergic reaction to an unknown cause caught me off guard, I fully crashed to suicidal level. Nathan and Anya took the brunt of my verbal onslaught, because the reaction set in fully after littles were sent to their rooms for a bit. I tried to lock myself in the running van in our garage. Nathan and Anya solved that and waited for enough sanity to return for me to be coaxed to bed. I’m not proud, I’m not happy over it, it sucked. All I kept thinking is I could finally be free of this constant struggle to maintain balance, that I would finally be free of all the stress and responsibilities, that I would finally know what my inner being fully feels like (Abraham swears is better than the most exhilarating ride of your life.) I just wanted to not hurt anymore and not have to think about anything: meds, money, food, allergies, eating, living, stressors, you name it, I’d be free. It was just so overwhelmingly desired in that moment. If not for Nathan and Anya I would be dead.

Like Great Mother, this momma’s had enough. Enough is enough, and I’ve done a hell of a damn good job all on my own all things considered. I deserve out, and if God wants me to live so damn bad, then he better damn well fix it. There isn’t much rope left and I’ve gotta save enough to solve the last problem I’ll ever face, and I have no idea if my proverbial rope can be replenished. If it doesn’t stop in a permanent sort of way, I will likely still wind up back at this place. It is a flaw of human nature and the complexities of life on Earth.

For now, I’m alive. I didn’t solve anything today, but I have an hour left until bedtime and nothing got worse.

I still hurt all over, but less painfully. I’m still depressed, but more towards mild melancholy. I have a headache, but it no longer feels like my eyes will explode. The dizziness has subsided, and I have been able to communicate more than last night.

I’ll take it.

Those are all signs of improvement for this day.

May you be kind to yourself when your best doesn’t cut it. May you know you did your best with every step even when people don’t see it or doubt it. May you always have the resources and connections to do whatever is needed, especially when that involves investigating complex problems. May you find a way to eliminate as much stress as possible so your body can heal. May life cooperate with you in regards to all of it. May you find a way to make maintaining balance easy, and be able to easily fit that into your schedule. May you always have reliable current information available to you when it is needed most. May you find the solutions you seek for lasting permanent change and easy balance. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Out… Me… Relief…

This morning started rough. 10 minutes before I left for work everything went awry. I knew I was picking up on another person and kicked them out to be able to function at work. I showed up and 1st session went okay.

Halfway through my gap between clients I hit overwhelmed and knew I needed to focus. My mantra became:

“Everybody OUT, Now! I need to just be me! Get the eff out of my awareness, I only need to be just me right now!”

I was referencing everyone I was connected to. I had the realization that I want everyone I love to be around me, and it had caused a plume of all their energetic stuff to also be around me. I was overwhelmed by that which I thought I wanted. I want the loving partners and family, but not to the detriment of myself. So I acknowledge I still need to be able to have my space and my time, and that time needed to be now, before it was too late.

It worked, and for the duration of my second session I focused on the moments I feel me, so that I could focus on being just me.

Me is when I’m in  nature. Me is seeing the beauty in and around me. The beautiful butterflies and bees that defy gravity and do delicate dances on the wind to fertilize flowers for even more beautiful abundance. Me is marveling as the sunshine dances through trees’ waving limbs. Me is listening to beautiful songs from beautiful birds. Me is smelling flowers’ sweet scents.

I was just breathing and feeling me, my inner being- it feels good, all while working on my client. It felt like peace and happiness. It felt calm and centered. I love feeling me.

After feeling ME for quite some time while working on my client, I shifted to knowing that I deserve better. I have worked a long time at healing myself. I have put lots of research and thought into healing myself. I have put lots of intuition into healing myself. I have taken many actions, over and over again, over that long span of time, all guided towards healing myself. I had done so well that even though my second pregnancy ended in hives and labor twice as long as the first, my thyroid still didn’t crash as hard as the first time. I have done so well focusing on healing myself that I had two major viral infections in one year and still managed to mostly maintain myself. Not only did I maintain, I lost a little weight and slimmed down a lot. So yes, I deserve proof that what I’m doing is working, tangible validation that others recognize.

That led to my next mantra:

My I.D. is my spirit.
I am a divine being.
I am in alignment with my source.
My source is healing me.
Source Healing is greater than anything man has to offer.
Source is obliterating Dis-ease for me.
I'm healing to my beautiful divine self.
I am beautiful and healthy.

Then I focused on what was next. I was headed to that ultrasound that was scheduled last week. I kept telling myself “I’m going to go get my proof that what I’m doing is working and it’s just got my system riled up.” I thought about what proof might look like, all the options that would be evidence that what I was doing was working. I acknowledged that 2020 hit me hard in several ways, so pretty much anything less than significantly worse was still a sign that my efforts counted.

But I narrowed it down. I deserve this proof because I made it through, but more because I’ve put so much massive effort into my health- I deserve massive results. Considering I’ve fought a new virus on top of an old nagging one, and still had visible results, I felt I was deserving of positive test results. I felt I deserved test results showing significant improvement of some kind. To me that meant that whatever the test showed it should be less significant than the one at the start of 2020.

I arrived for my Thyroid Ultrasound. I knew they were looking for nodules, and filled in the tech. I explained that the previous report said there were several and one was just large enough it could have been biopsied, but doc didn’t seem concerned enough to do so so it never had been. After my description, I said that I was hoping they were either the same or fewer and smaller.

The tech did his job and scanned not just my thyroid itself, but all of the surrounding lymph nodes. That was more than the first one did. He told me he only saw one difinitive lump on the left lobe of my thyroid, and it was still small enough he didn’t think it was even considered large enough to do a biopsy, but that I would need to confirm with my doctor. He told me that he thought it looked like a good scan considering I knew I had Hashimotos and had already been told of the nodules. He had me wait while he confirmed with the radiologist. He came back and said yes they had compared to the previous scan from last year and they both think it looks good, but the doctor will confirm.

I needed that good news something fierce and thanked God profusely. I then immediately texted everyone around me the good news, including Nathan. I was straight giddy from receiving much relieving news.

It’s now been 4 hours and my evening has gone splendidly because of the relief I have felt.

I can’t bring myself to tell my family (mom, dad, brother) because I am not certain my solution well help them. I started before system failure, I started before cancer set in. I’m not certain what I’ve done will heal them as effectively. It wouldn’t hurt to try, but it’s not easy or quick, so even if all 3 started today, I’m not sure it would save them. Then there’s the matter that I’m not sure they want to be saved. You can’t make someone do what they don’t want to do, and they’ve all essentially said they are okay with the alternative.

I will fill them in eventually, but I need for my brother to regain his bearings before I tell him. I love him, and I know it’ll bounce right off of him if he’s still in post surgery dosage attempts. His medicine dose needs to at least be close for him to be able to hear that there’s hope. I would love for him to be able to hear me and reach for his own healing, but I accept that it might not happen even if his meds are fairly balanced.

Regardless, my proof that my efforts are working is exactly what I needed. It is the encouragement to keep going because the light is finally at the end of the tunnel. I’m finally seeing an end in sight. A bit more patience is all that is needed.

May you have clarity when you need it. May you easily find your inner being when it is needed, and especially to receive the blessed healing that only comes from within. May you know your efforts not just counted, but did exactly as hoped. May you feel better and have patience with the discomfort of change and definitely with the healing cycle. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

On Repeat.

I have had this song on repeat for a couple days now, just keeping me afloat and functional. I wanted to share.

Doctor visit this afternoon after work resulted in a list of labs to be drawn ASAP (lab had closed by the time I finished with my visit). The goal is to rule out other problems, check my thyroid levels again, and check Covid antibody levels (if it hasn’t become another chronic infection then they should be low if they register at all). I also have to do another thyroid ultrasound to see if there are any significant changes. Once all of that comes back I will have a follow-up appointment on the 9th. Barring anything scary that is.

The acupuncturist had recommended drawing an immune panel to see if any other/new autoimmune antibodies were active and to check levels of the known Hashimotos and EBV. The doctor didn’t say no to that idea but essentially said she needed to start with all the basics first.

The lady I saw today, a PA, wasn’t well versed in thyroid, no surprise there, as few are. She said that she would rather I be on Levothyroxine. I told her it failed me miserably the last time I took it and I went 4.5 years successfully taking Armour/NDT. She said ultimately depending on lab and ultrasound results I may just end up needing a referral to an endocrinologist. I didn’t shoot that down for her, even though the two I went to previously were not much better versed than she is. I really hate this system.

The acupuncturist told me to have patience with the tedium and that I was doing the right thing. I need the labwork, but I’m so sick of blanket treatments and all we know is thyroid=levothyroxine or thyroid cancer= surgery/cancer treatment/ lifetime of levothyroxine. It’s all bullshit.

But then Nathan reminded me we have much better aim and are more successful hacking things once the full problem is known. So right now were searching for a total picture of what needs addressed. Is it even still just my thyroid, and if so, is it because my thyroid is worse off or because my regimen isn’t meeting needs? Once I have some basic answers I will know better how I need to adjust. I have contemplated going fully AIP level 1, essentially a raw food diet sans any nightshades, seeds/legumes/nuts/grains. It is a miserable existence food wise, but I’m willing if it actually truly solves anything.

See that is the catch, that whole I’m never good enough belief that was brainwashed into me. It hasn’t been good enough that that I’m AIP with some nuts/legumes, no let’s nix everything and go raw, because it’s literally the only option left. Feck you, and if the divine is going to force me into that kind of stupid level of clean than it better fucking matter, or I’m throwing in the towel for life. I’ll willingly give up and accept death. The Divine Masculine is an asshat. Just sayin’.

Could have been healed ages ago, but no I had to catch covid and have and EBV flare in the same year. Or I could’ve had those negative beliefs healed, god knows I’ve asked for that enough times, and if they are the sole cause then heal that first damn it- I’ve been doing the work I deserve some results. Or I could have had the resources to quit working, eliminate stressors, hermit and monk myself into healing. But no, I’m dealing with a broken system yet again, to attempt to get answers to help myself AGAIN. Where is the divine in this mess? Fucked up way of doing things I’ll say.

Anyway, my frustrations aside, I’m taking steps that I know will guide me. Seems as usual my own spirit seems to be the only thing on my side, and I’m doing my best to acknowledge it and follow steps. Hopefully I will finally win this battle for once and for all and get my happily ever after. I have way more than fecking earned it. I deserved it well before 2020 and was well on my way to getting there before 2020 happened. Give me my results back and more because of a lost year of stupid nonsense full of shit I couldn’t control.

May you have the answers you need. May you know exactly what you need to do and how to accomplish it. May the divine help you leap gaps you struggle to bridge alone. May the divine heal us all and guide us all to better days. Above all may you know that the Divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

And for good measure one more applicable song:

Oopse.

So, I sit shivering right now, wrapped in my fluffy robe. I had an oopse that dropped my blood sugars too low, but at least I know why now.

Five days ago I wrote of concerns, oddball symptoms and high sugars that had been plaguing me for over a couple of months. Then I wrote the update where Nathan caught the bad testing strips, causing the artificially high numbers, and we opened a new package of test strips.

Since then, I have been sticking to the suggestions offered by the acupuncturist and testing to find out where my numbers really are. Mostly my glusoce numbers are good, a couple of times they have swung 10-15 points high, but each time I knew why (mostly way too many carbs at dinner, AIP and near vegan doesn’t eliminate all sources of carbs, and I love sweets and beets chips).

Anyway, most of the weird symptoms I was having have backed off significantly, so I’m fairly certain I owe a huge thank you to the acupuncturist for catching my error there. They weren’t huge adjustments to my regimen but made a big difference because I was overdoing a couple of key herbs and it was stressing my liver out.

Then there was today.

I did my foam rollering, 3 hours of massages, and wrote my post about foam rollering. I drank all my waters, and ate one pack of my seaweed, but didn’t bother with the celery. As I was leaving work, I decided I would do a short workout to make up for the lack of cardio in foam rollering. I ate half of my second pack of seaweed and went into the gym.

17 minutes into what was intended as a 35 min workout, my legs started feeling jello-ee and I suddenly felt heavy and tired. I kicked myself for not eating all of the second pack of seaweed and literally muscled my way through the second half of my workout. By the time my cool down was done, I wasn’t sure I could dismount from the elliptical machine. I did, but the walk to my car was interesting.

I ate the rest of my seaweed and finished my water. I knew I needed another water, but just wanted to get home before I completely ran out of steam.

Once home I drank water, had a date roll, and checked my numbers. Even after seaweed and a date roll, I was at 87. I had swung low.

It cleared up the rest of the anomalous symptoms I couldn’t figure out. I’ve been trying so hard to bring sugars down in thinking they were high, that I’ve probably been crashing them repeatedly.  *Sigh*

It a good and a bad.

On the good side, I can relax a little on my blood sugar controls, they are working, maybe too well. It also means I’m not nearly as bad off as I was beginning to think. The relief I feel over doing everything right is actually working, is immense. Here I thought I was doing everything right and still coming up short, but really I am doing everything right and it’s starting to work too well (really there’s no such thing if I keep readjusting as I heal and improve). It’s working. Slowly but surely. Even the adjustments the accupincturist gave me were expressing that it was working well, which then was just pushing myself a little to hard. It’s all a really good sign.

The bad is two-fold:

1) I really have to watch my sugars and attempt to scale my herbs appropriately. Otherwise, I could end up in a severe sugar crash that could cause bigger problems. Since I’m not on glucose meds, my risks of that are minimal, but not impossible.

2) I need to make sure I stay on top of my seaweed better. The seaweed helps my thyroid and thus my metabolism. It is what keeps me burning the fat for energy and not needing food as much. My mistake was not consuming all of my seaweed before taxing my system physically. I have to keep my seaweed intake high enough to enable my body to burn the fat no matter when I fit my exercise in.

So, yes my health is actually doing okay and what I’m doing is working. I just need to balance quantities a bit better and go a little easier on myself. Having started my seaweed and celery routine in July, I can’t say I’m opposed to a little leaway.

It’s a sigh of relief and a little happy dance being able to report this evidence. Now to just follow through all the way and eventually clear the other side of the health hump.

May you have good evidence of your progress. May you see what you are doing is working. May you know you are doing everything right and everything in your power and understand that God will help with the rest. May you see your results snowball and become easier and easier. May you have the health you seek. May you know above all that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

I deserve to feel good.

After having found the alignment through the climb my last several posts reflected, I knew I needed to milk it. The feeling place of those high vibration moments needed to do me some major good. It was time to focus on the feelings I want more of in my body and in my world.

Thinking about the joy and freedom felt in camp was a good start, but I want more.

I deserve to feel good and see results that others will also see. I deserve for my entire body to come into alignment, even blood sugars and thyroid function, all the things that doctors document. So far some of that has improved significantly and some of that seems worse. I use seems, because sometimes seeming worse is actually on your way to improvement (detoxing is a really good example of that).

I spent a long time focusing on feeling good in my body. I did my usual moving meditation to snap, crackle, and pop my joints back into alignment. I did some more moving meditation, almost like yoga, to stretch out some of my tight muscle spots. Then I was down to just a few of my extra stubborn areas. One is my right rhomboid. I have had times where other massage therapists spent 20 minutes just on that one muscle and it’s trigger points. Well on this occasion I simple rested my hand (more my finger-tips for ease in reach) on the trigger point and used several visuals to help relax it. My touch was the focus mechanism to ‘put the power there’ (that’s a rough translation of one of the Reiki symbols I use). Then once I engaged the energy in that spot I moved through more intense Reiki symbols. I visualized being She-Ra in her moments of healing (I’m going to write more on that soon). I visualized the muscle being like a pat of butter on a hot skillet. Eventually all of it put together, the muscle did give in and relax. It took a long while, it really wanted to hold on. I really had to convince it that it was off duty and didn’t have to do anything.

Then I moved on from structural elements. I felt for and visualized energy of love in and around my body. I let it start from my heart with loving myself. I thought of all the pieces of myself that I genuinely appreciate. Once I had the feeling of the vibration of self-love, I pushed it around my body mentally. Sometimes I would have to stop and focus on something about an area that could be loved. For instance, my thighs still carry much more adipose that I prefer, so I had to focus on their strength, the fact they can lift 210 pounds in addition to my body weight, the fact that they propel me everyday and everywhere I go. That enabled the love vibration to flow in those areas.

When all was said and done, I felt genuinely spectacular. The only drawback was it took what seemed forever. It was the better part of my Sunday afternoon, and though I didn’t watch the clock, I know it took a couple of hours or more.

My goal is to get to a level of health and focused thought that my process described here is more like a normal meditation. It will probably take much practice over a long while. It seems that most of my basic goals like this take about 9 to 10 months to fruition… Hmmm… I’m seeing a correlation with pregnancy. Anyway, I have noted that I do create positive changes, but it definitely takes a while, and progress still frustrates me on occasion when it’s technically there, but less than desired.

May you have good healing meditative moments. May you genuinely feel self-love. May you convey to your body that you do care for it in all the ways you know of. May your body generally cooperate with you and show you good positive results more quickly and in bigger more noticeable ways. May you know that beyond everything God loves and supports you in all that you do and are.

Om Shanti