Tag Archives: heal your body

How do you choose?

I’m mulling over my decisions this week, somewhat agonizing over my choices.

The one that started it was my decision to deal with a dead tree and insects threatening my home. I could have not done that, and gotten Nathan and I both, the IV treatments. But doing the tree means one of us has to sit and wait longer. I chose myself to wait.

My reasoning was complex. First, I really value my own health, and really, really want to heal all the way. If you don’t have your health, then you don’t have much. Plus, the rule used in airline safety definitely applies elsewhere: “Take care of yourself first, so you can stay alive to help others/children.” It’s super important to be able to stay alive and be helpful to others, it’s our duty in living all of life in it’s entirety, not just for emergencies. It is how we give love back to the divine.

Yet at the same time, I know I have worked like crazy on my health. I may not have healed fully, but I have shown some improvement. My face/skin is consistently clear, I have fewer allergy symptoms across the board, and my body is fitting well in smaller clothes now. It may not be congratulations worthy, but my improvement tells me that I am already headed towards healing, and waiting longer for a treatment isn’t going to kill me. It’s merely annoying and frustrating.

I’m more upset that I can’t manage the whole family being treated all at once. I’m concerned that if I only do part of the family, then there is risk of reinfection/repopulating the virus(es). I may get one or two of us better and it not last long enough to get the rest of us better. In which case treatment was a waste of money, which is still unfortunately scarce in my world- I just wish money were more abundant for me/us.

But my home is also really, really important. It keeps, not just me safe, it keeps a whole family of 5 people safe. It is the refuge for my husband and kids. It keeps all our pets safe too. It is where we share meals and entertainment and LOVE. I have worked so damn hard just to get a truly safe home, that the idea of anything harming that, feels like a personal attack. I know it’s not, but I simply am not okay with going backwards because I didn’t pay for a tree to get cut down.

So I definitely leaned towards tree first and then maybe a treatment.

Yet, then I was literally on the fence about whether or not to treat Nathan or sit on what was left until there was more to add to it. I really would prefer to do the whole family at once, it’s safer and more reliable that way. We would be more likely to have long-term positive results for all of us.

Besides, there is no one of us that is more deserving than another. We are all doing our best. I was infected as a child, I was just being a kid, I never deserved the damage it did, or the decades of heartache, misdiagnosis, and problems. And I was already doing my best to get better when my kids caught it. They had no say, no decision in that, they didn’t deserve it any more than I did. And Nathan, I may have given it to him not long after I met him, regardless he definitely has it now, and I didn’t want to give him anything bad. I love him and have since I met him. I want good things for him, and have spent 11 years doing my best to help him get healthier too. We’ve done everything that came our way, we’ve changed diets and exercised and taken gaggles of supplements, vitamins and minerals. We’ve even gradually gotten better at managing stress in our lives and meditating. None of us deserves more than another, and none of us deserved to catch the damn virus. But, Nathan is not doing well, he is the farthest from health. The rest of us have a fighting chance all on our own, and he’s just trying not to drown already.

I really am worried about him, and I know worry doesn’t help, so I’m doing my best not to think about it. It’s just so damn difficult when, you are told that the only person in your adult life to show true unconditional love, is doing worse health-wise, and it is likely because of a virus or two that you gave them.

I caught Epstein-Barr as a kid, but I caught mystery-virus (aka covid) at work. I brought them both to my family, and I was just trying to be a good girl and do what I was supposed to do. I was trying to help them by doing my job to pay bills, by being a good mom and wife. I just wanted to take care of my family and doing it alone was really hard. I don’t know how to live with that, and I don’t know how to fix it other than try the damned iv treatment.

So, Nathan is going to get treated first to hopefully fix his journey as much as possible and maybe pull him out of the nosedive. The rest of us will happen when it happens, and I’ll keep doing what I’m doing to glean even baby steps of progress for the rest of us.

I just don’t know how to make anything else happen. This I can do. I had really hoped god would help, but after 11 years of doing my best, and to get told the things I heard the last two weeks, it’s pretty obvious it’s not likely.

I’m grateful for the clinic and the help and support I have gotten there and from all my co-staff. It is helping me keep my shreds of sanity. I am grateful that I can work with quiet stillness to help me focus on positives.

I’m grateful that I know how to reach for better and reach for solutions. I’m grateful for my meditation time. I am grateful that I have solved vast portions of my puzzle and that I at least have a worthy goal.

I wish I could do both the tree and all of us getting treatment. I wish the damned viruses hadn’t even affected us to begin with, or that they barely touched us. I wish we were all healthy again and the tree was already solved. I wish I had the loving supportive poly/extended family I have long desired. I wish my life and my efforts mattered to God. I wish my prayers mattered. I wish that I was good enough…

I keep trying and I’ll keep pulling up. “I’m not dead yet!” -Monty Python

There’s always a next step, there’s always something else to do or be done. There’s always the next best possibility, the next best thing. Maybe cannabis-based products will be that answer when I finally have legal access to them, they have healed seizures for little kids, what’s virus damage compared to that?!

There are other topics that came to mind when I chose to write this post (poly-family, my sexuality, desires for love/lovers, etc.), but I think you get the idea with just this one moment.

I seldom glaze over anything, and nearly always over-think everything, wanting the best outcome possible. My heart is often aching to be able to solve a both situation, because I rarely am 100% comfortable with my choice. If I could rewrite my worldview, I would eliminate scarcity and replace it with genuine abundance in all areas. That is usually the mechanism behind my agony and feeling like I must choose something other than both. I want both more often.

May you see the mechanisms hindering your progress. May you understand that there are always reasons for wanting both. May you understand that if you want both it is because both genuinely have meaning for you, sometimes even more than you realize. May you find ways to accommodate both no matter what the situation. May you release worry and find ways to reach for better. May you know you are loved and supported, and God is trying to help, but we’re the ones in our own way. May you see evidence of that love and support all around you.

Om Shanti

Cover photo is from our walk yesterday evening. Below you’ll find pictures from my walk at lunch today, and last night.

Oopse.

So, I sit shivering right now, wrapped in my fluffy robe. I had an oopse that dropped my blood sugars too low, but at least I know why now.

Five days ago I wrote of concerns, oddball symptoms and high sugars that had been plaguing me for over a couple of months. Then I wrote the update where Nathan caught the bad testing strips, causing the artificially high numbers, and we opened a new package of test strips.

Since then, I have been sticking to the suggestions offered by the acupuncturist and testing to find out where my numbers really are. Mostly my glusoce numbers are good, a couple of times they have swung 10-15 points high, but each time I knew why (mostly way too many carbs at dinner, AIP and near vegan doesn’t eliminate all sources of carbs, and I love sweets and beets chips).

Anyway, most of the weird symptoms I was having have backed off significantly, so I’m fairly certain I owe a huge thank you to the acupuncturist for catching my error there. They weren’t huge adjustments to my regimen but made a big difference because I was overdoing a couple of key herbs and it was stressing my liver out.

Then there was today.

I did my foam rollering, 3 hours of massages, and wrote my post about foam rollering. I drank all my waters, and ate one pack of my seaweed, but didn’t bother with the celery. As I was leaving work, I decided I would do a short workout to make up for the lack of cardio in foam rollering. I ate half of my second pack of seaweed and went into the gym.

17 minutes into what was intended as a 35 min workout, my legs started feeling jello-ee and I suddenly felt heavy and tired. I kicked myself for not eating all of the second pack of seaweed and literally muscled my way through the second half of my workout. By the time my cool down was done, I wasn’t sure I could dismount from the elliptical machine. I did, but the walk to my car was interesting.

I ate the rest of my seaweed and finished my water. I knew I needed another water, but just wanted to get home before I completely ran out of steam.

Once home I drank water, had a date roll, and checked my numbers. Even after seaweed and a date roll, I was at 87. I had swung low.

It cleared up the rest of the anomalous symptoms I couldn’t figure out. I’ve been trying so hard to bring sugars down in thinking they were high, that I’ve probably been crashing them repeatedly.  *Sigh*

It a good and a bad.

On the good side, I can relax a little on my blood sugar controls, they are working, maybe too well. It also means I’m not nearly as bad off as I was beginning to think. The relief I feel over doing everything right is actually working, is immense. Here I thought I was doing everything right and still coming up short, but really I am doing everything right and it’s starting to work too well (really there’s no such thing if I keep readjusting as I heal and improve). It’s working. Slowly but surely. Even the adjustments the accupincturist gave me were expressing that it was working well, which then was just pushing myself a little to hard. It’s all a really good sign.

The bad is two-fold:

1) I really have to watch my sugars and attempt to scale my herbs appropriately. Otherwise, I could end up in a severe sugar crash that could cause bigger problems. Since I’m not on glucose meds, my risks of that are minimal, but not impossible.

2) I need to make sure I stay on top of my seaweed better. The seaweed helps my thyroid and thus my metabolism. It is what keeps me burning the fat for energy and not needing food as much. My mistake was not consuming all of my seaweed before taxing my system physically. I have to keep my seaweed intake high enough to enable my body to burn the fat no matter when I fit my exercise in.

So, yes my health is actually doing okay and what I’m doing is working. I just need to balance quantities a bit better and go a little easier on myself. Having started my seaweed and celery routine in July, I can’t say I’m opposed to a little leaway.

It’s a sigh of relief and a little happy dance being able to report this evidence. Now to just follow through all the way and eventually clear the other side of the health hump.

May you have good evidence of your progress. May you see what you are doing is working. May you know you are doing everything right and everything in your power and understand that God will help with the rest. May you see your results snowball and become easier and easier. May you have the health you seek. May you know above all that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Ding-Dong KO

Ok, so sometimes my addictions, turn into a Multi-player Mortal Kombat round. I’m just as proud of myself, if the worst one of the ‘enemies’ is the one knocked out, as I would be winning a duel.

Sometimes it really is about picking your battle, and knowing that if only one was knocked out, then at least I didn’t die, and I’ll make it another round.

I am doing a lot better than I used to, but my addictions win more often than I would like. It’s a battle I’ve been practicing at for over 7 years and I still loose occasionally, but the little voice of inspiration said that I make it look too easy, and I need everyone to know it’s not.

The text conversation at the beginning of this post, was from the middle of a 5 hour shift yesterday. I was working front desk and it was a little slower for a change. Usually not a bad thing, so I never complain when it’s slow. The one exception caused my message to Nathan, I didn’t say a word to other staff because of embarrassment.

I was feeling weak, and probably could have used help, but it might as well have been the conversation I had to have over a shotgun which I couldn’t get out of my mind. I simply couldn’t have that conversation, over goodies, and with people that don’t really care about me to begin with. They care that I show up, do my job, and when shit hits the fan that I can handle it. They simply don’t want to have a conversation about, “hey, can you hide the goodies from me, my brain is torturing me already, …please?”

So I didn’t say anything.

An hour in, I had already looked at the box of Ding-Dongs over a dozen times. The brand new unopened box of Godiva chocolates had almost had as many views, but because it was unopened I wasn’t certain it was for staff, and kept telling myself someone would come pick it up any minute.

At one point I got so flustered that I got up abruptly, and quickly walked to the mail room, forgetting there’s a camera in there. As soon as the black globe caught my periphery, I froze in blush. Quick thinking, I gestured like I was looking for something and left. Only problem was, I noticed the box of brittle, I’d forgotten about, on the mailroom counter as I turned to leave.

I stood in the empty hall trying to figure out what I was doing, why, and what I needed to do. On my way back to the desk seat, I grabbed my seaweed pack and consumed it crunchily instead.

I drank a full bottle of water.

I amused myself on my phone for a little bit.

Then I noticed one too many glances in the directions of goodies again. At that point, I was lone staff, because the other person was delivering day-sheets throughout the building.

I got up and paced the floor. I refilled my water bottle and glanced at the brittle again on my way past. I grabbed my celery and sat to eat it, not quite even having gotten to hour two yet. I thought ‘better not eat it all, just in case’.

It was a little limp for not having eaten my sticks for 3 days. I’m burnt out on celery and it’s lost any appeal it ever did have, even the peanut-butter is losing any appeal to my taste buds. I ate about 6 celery sticks, each dipped once in peanut-butter. That was more than enough. I closed lids and left it sitting right in front of me.

Approximately 30 minutes later, my text to Nathan (above) went out as I was losing my resolve. Almost 3 hours into my shift, the Ding-Dongs were looking far too tempting. How was I going to make it another two?

I decided if I couldn’t managed a TKO, then at least the worst option should go down in flames. Instead of: gluten, and red-40, and chocolate, and sugar, and chemicals (all things found in Ding-Dongs that are bad for my system); I chose to go for the least impact, especially since the Godiva box was unopened and questionable. So Brittle won, and Ding-Dongs and chocolate were knocked-out!

Me and brittle. Mmmmm.

When I went to retrieve a piece, I got a big chunk with two smaller ones stuck to it. I decided I’d eat the two small bits and save the big one for later.

As my last two hours ticked by it was: celery stick with pb, pause, brittle, pause, celery stick, pause, brittle, pause, celery stick, pause, brittle and so on. Every few minutes a nibble of something. I also worked on a non-vital computer task to distract myself.

It worked. I ended up eating only brittle beyond my regular celery and seaweed I take everyday.

In the ring we have Valentine Ding-Dongs, Godiva Assortiment, Apple Pie Peanut Brittle, and Treasa with her green shit. And let the fight begin! …. Oh Treasa is taking some hard hits there, but she stays standing every time. Oh, she’s fighting back, 1-2, oh, the right hook…. Now APPB has sided with her, oh my folks, who’s going to win this battle royale! … And the winning team is Treasa with greens and Apple Pie Brittle! …Crowd goes wild!…. Aaaaa!

Sorry for the corney ring-side joke, I grew up on things like that.

Anyway, my point is, I didn’t say anything to anyone except Nathan, and he even only got a couple of texts. But for me it was 5 hours of torture, mostly mental – granted, and a very strategic battle to overcome the worst damages of losing altogether. It’s hard to know what’s going on inside another person’s head, and it’s even harder when they have 20 years of experience hiding it. I’m not perfect at anything, but I highly doubt the other two people that worked via the front office yesterday, had any clue I was even having a mental battle, let alone that the two culprits to trigger it were within reach all day.

They were oblivious to my mental torture, because I’ve spent 20 years either fighting it silently, or withdrawing from the world. When I withdraw, I’ve either lost the battle and given in fully, or I sleep it off and hope I wake to less triggering things. I’m glad to report that these days, my withdrawal periods are few, fairly well distanced from one another, and short lived.

So if you’re struggling with an addiction, even if it is “just food”, know it’s hard. It sucks, and takes everything you’ve got to function as normal as possible, but it’s worth it. On one hand my addiction won’t kill me with one oopse (overdose), but it’s so many places in life that it’s super easy to get and often people readily supply the worst versions for me. I don’t even have to pay anything for mine to be triggered. And those people that say it’s just food… They have no clue the chemical storm that an addiction stirrs in your brain, regardless of what the trigger is. I would also add that known reactions to chemicals used in some foods, are indicative of some of the same known reactions to some recreational drugs. Sugar has been compared to hard drugs like cocaine in numerous studies on brain function. So, it may be just food, but it’s still very much an addiction.

It’s time that everyone get some slack for how hard we’re all working to overcome challenges, especially when many of us are very much addicted to “just food”. An addiction is hard no matter what “it” is. If you’re fighting at all then you deserve a damned medal.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself some love for it.

Also, find people you can confide in. I have my Nathan, but he gets tired of hearing of some the same things repeatedly, we all do. You need enough people to confide in that they don’t get sick of it, but don’t utilize having more options as a reason for complaining more. Keep in mind everything you talk about and focus on brings more of it, so if you focus on the battle too much you’ll just get more battle. So, regardless of my embarrassment, I still do my best to talk about my battles as little as possible, in an attempt to reduce their frequency. It is working, just very slowly.

Those of us fighting the good fight, we rock. Anyone that wants to put you down or belittle your efforts can take a hike or KMA. We are fighting addictions of a wide variety that didn’t exist 100 years ago. We have a bigger challenge than most in older generations would even consider. Appreciate your own efforts and thank your body every single day, that you have a chance to try again. Give your own self some love for all the things you survived, and apologize to every organ sincerely explaining your doing your level best with all the challenges that come your way.

Know it could be worse, there always something that’s worse. But also know that you are winning a tough battle and that makes you amazing.

May you triggers always be conveniently out of reach, literally or metaphorically. May you know you have loving support if you need it, and the ability to discern if it’s better to distract yourself and attempt to attract fewer battles. May you have confidence in your ability to overcome and succeed in all endeavors. May you love yourself for all that you have managed to accomplish. May you know you’re on the right track. May you know you are loved and supported by God in all that you do, and everything you need.

Om Shanti