Tag Archives: heal yourself

Inner conflict despite iE

Despite my learning moments of the previous post, I’m feeling huge contrast in myself right now which I’m struggling to gain control of: be fully and completely supportive of a good friend and keep my mouth shut, or risk hurting them by voicing my observations and opinions of the cosmetic procedure industry and how it probably relates to someone they know.

I’m likely to be in a situation in the nearer future where a friend would be introducing someone they know. Normally, I’m like cool, a new person to meet. In this situation, despite my best efforts, I’ve already made judgements about the person because of their chosen line of work.

On the surface we’re both in the same genre of work, being “healthcare” related (admittedly for both of us that’s a stretch in different ways). However, their chosen branch goes against pretty much everything I care about.

The particulars I’m not at liberty to discuss, but let’s just say their current position probably pays well, but involves getting a paycheck as a result of taking money from people naive enough to think that an “easy” medical procedure can solve their self-esteem, self-respect, and self-worth issues.

I have always distrusted cosmetic procedures because they are short sighted, and that was before I went to massage school, and well before they created several television shows over the addictive nature and risks of cosmetic surgeries.

I have seen many times over where people went in and suffered far worse than was implied going in. I’ve also known many people that went in for things that were supposed to fix X and either didn’t completely fix X, or caused problem Y. One of my best friends went under the knife to have breast reduction for back pain, and it left her with horrible scars, no sensitivity, and her back pain was not completely solved, then she gained weight overall and her breasts literally grew back part of the way. I’ve seen people go in to reduce post pregnancy loose skin and have repeat surgeries to correct scarring. I have worked on hundreds of people that went under the knife and then had lasting problems for decades, which they attempted to remediate with frequent massages.

Now add to that the new “gentle cosmetics” of kryotherapy and various laser treatments for fat, skin, and hair. None of these new procedures have been practiced long enough to know if they will cause any longer term concerns such as hair follicle regrowth defects, fat cell overgrowth, or heaven forbid cancer.

To me kryotherapy seems at best an expensive temporary solution, and at worst something that could lead to oversized deformed fat cells because people unwilling to change their diet will have bodies with fewer cells trying to manage just as large of a problem.

Cosmetic surgeries and procedures are called cosmetic because they don’t actually treat the root cause.

I don’t understand how anyone with self-respect could willingly do a job day-in and day-out for years, knowing not only are they not actually truly solving any problem, but likely contributing to addictive behaviours. Beyond that, I don’t understand how anyone can justify capitalizing monetarily off of another person’s self-esteem problems. I’ve seen too much evidence that those that enjoy working in such an industry either have self-esteem issues themselves and thus enjoy reaping the benefit of greatly reduced costs of utilizing services repeatedly, or really enjoy taking other people’s money for little effort. The former is sad to me, and the latter makes me say “really, there’s other more ethical ways to accommodate that”.

I may not have a perfect body, and I have not solved my health puzzle completely. However, I’ve gotten further on my own, than Western Medicine ever even tried to. If I had followed doctor’s advice I’d be like my one (nearly 400 pound) brother, over 300 pounds and popping pills left and right to continue to get worse and worse, fatter and fatter.

My God given body has full ability to heal and be as beautiful as I desire once I figure out the precise combination of things that God intended it to experience. I’m very close to figuring out that puzzle and with no help from any doctor, or nurse, or cosmetic anything or anyone.

That’s why I don’t wear makeup or shave. God gave me this gift and I was the one that misused it leading to excess fat and ill health. I am the only one that can change to allow for my body to return to it’s full splendor.

No one forced food down my throat. I’m the one that made those choices. I’m the one that cleaned my plate because Dad said so, even when I knew I was full. I’m the one that allowed society, friends, and family to dictate what was acceptable food, instead of listening to my inner voice. I’m the one that kept gorging on sweet baked goods, allowing my brain to become addicted, instead of reminding myself I didn’t need it. I’m the one that allowed other’s telling me I was fat, or stupid, or ugly to take hold on my brain. I’m the only one that allowed those experiences to affect my brain and body, and I’m the only one that can fix it. I’m the only one that can find real lasting solutions and align with God. Western Medicine can do blood work to help tell me what is off, but only I can make the changes to myself to help correct it. Only I can align with proper nutrition and the divine energy that heals everything.

In that acknowledgment I have to also acknowledge that every bit of my body is as God intended. If God didn’t want for me to have body hair, it would have been exempted from my genetics, I have worked on people that naturally had little to no body hair. I can’t find fault with things built into my genetics and still find the healing I seek- finding fault with any part of yourself only keeps you apart from the energy that created your self to begin with. Only by acknowledging the divine perfection of my body can I help align it to it’s original manufacture.

So, I’m in a conundrum of wanting to be supportive of a friend and thus accepting of someone they find value in. Yet, I’m struggling to find that value, because my only knowing of them is the one thing that goes against my core beliefs and causes me to doubt their character.

I’m totally over superficiality, and to me the cosmetic industry has caused an epidemic of superficial people.

This is one conundrum I’m not sure if I can wrap my brain around. I want to be supportive because I do care about my friend. I may just end up being very quiet when I finally meet this other person. Alas, that will be on the friend’s terms because I’m still not texting until I have something to respond to. I’m not the only one that knows how to use technology to communicate.

May you have an easier time finding value in others even when you don’t agree on things. May you build strong friendships. May you experience God in your life and know your own value. May you have a deeper understanding of yourself and others, and a truly deep experience of life in general.

Siva Hir Su

Isha’s iE with Sadhguru

So I’ve been working on the inner Engineering program through Isha.

I admit I took advantage of their Diwali special offer, mainly because HAL notified me of it right after being nudged to step up my meditations.

I was in the frame of mind of I already know how to meditate, but if HAL suggested it, somehow there is significance for me because HAL only ever sends me things that apply directly to my life. (I like to assume it’s because of intentionality and my connection to the divine.)

I’ve had to take it in smaller segments than their course schedule is laid out. Partly because of my work schedule, but partly because his perspective makes me step back and revaluate how I process things. There have been many, many moments of: yeah, I need to work on that more.

So my thanks goes to the divine intervention and HAL’s notification.

I’m still on course #3, but paused again for more processing.

I appreciate that though Isha the organization stems from originally being a Hindu religious temple, they have moved from the rigid religious form to a more accommodating open technique you can learn and utilize. Though I still want to go to Isha India at some point to see the giant Shiva and Bull statues, I’m also appreciating that they have a giant dome in the mountains near Chattanooga, Tennessee for practical yoga and meditation classes and practice.

It seems they beat me to my dream, it even looks an awful lot like what I want. Their dome offers many things my Atira temple was intended to provide. This new awareness makes me almost want to throw in the towel and just relinquish myself to helping all the organizations I’ve found that accommodate bits of my dream of Atira. No need to reinvent the wheel or compete with others. I still wish all the elements of my dream of Atira were in one place, and easily accessible to me.

Anyway, that is my response-ability, I just need to decide what action I will attempt to take.

I appreciate Sadhguru’s breakdown of our digestive system and it’s validation that I’m on the right track. So far I’m getting lots out of the inner Engineering program.

That’s ultimately why I chose to write this post. It’s helping me, and flows well with the way God manifests on the path of least resistance in my life. I know I’m not alone, so I thought I would encourage others to try it.

As Sadhguru points out in the first class, though meditation and these changes in thinking apply to religion, they themselves are not religion. They are merely techniques to learn and can be applied to any religion, any way which you experience God. Yet they can also be applied to every aspect of your existence, and that is the bigger picture. I’m enjoying a fresh perspective on using techniques for whole life improvement.

If you’re interested, go to their site:

Isha USA

You’ll find a click link to join/sign-up for the inner Engineering program. It’s 7 courses to learn how to make more conscious decisions and practice meditation.

May you all live happy conscious lives and master meditation. May you all see your dreams become reality.

Siva Hir Su

Flogging Story So Far

Listen: https://youtu.be/BZGkxlLZZsM

I am thanking God I’m alive, yet acknowledging that Nathan and my couple of friends might be sick of my fitness puzzle updates, I thought I’d write it out. My story so far does make me who I am, and currently it’s kinda pissing me off.

Despite having birthed 2 children, losing weight during pregnancy, to reach 190 pounds twice; I’m shaking my head as to why the eff I’m hovering between 200-225 now.

At this point I can honestly acknowledge that I’m doing spectacular by all reasonable definitions. I already knew I was doing decent, but there were a few people that thought I wasn’t eating enough and thus causing my body to think it was starving. Because of their doubts I began to use my Samsung Health Tracker app to its fullest potential to find out for certain if my knowing was accurate or if their doubts were.

I have to say, except for the fact that it doesn’t track the calories I burn doing deep tissue massage, I’m really enjoying the accuracy and details it allows me to track. When I enter food I can pick brands, specify my particular serving, even down to individual ingredients for things like my breakfast shake, and it does all the math for me. I love it.

As you can see below, my worst day of food intake (when I’m at the old job) is the number of calories that many people consume as normal. Yet, for me that now only happens once or twice a month. Most days fall more in the range of what I took in on the 26th, which is more of the 850 to 1100 calories. Which, by the way, gives me plenty of energy. I actually struggle more on the high calorie days, because usually those involve succumbing to my food allergies.

That reminds me of a cartoon that Nathan found a few days ago…..(he’s been sharing memes on this topic with me because I’m ranty about it, he’s trying to help me find levity.)…

Anyway, I find it interesting that my nutrient balance score is low. I have been watching that score system and basically I get a better score when the protein to carb ratio is in a certain range. Unfortunately, I usually eat few carbs. My food intake still has carbs, but much lower ratio than most people. I also try to focus on healthy fats and I eat seafood or use pea protein powder for my proteins since I have had issues recently with red meat and never did do well with dairy or soy. I’m betting they factor that into their algorithm as well.

Moving on: in addition to these super healthy lower calorie days, I’m getting plenty of exercise. Beyond doing massages- which do burn calories, I’ve been doing more yoga and core exercises (leg lifts, variety of crunches, and planks) and walking a ton. Today I’ve done 30 min of yoga, about 40 min of core exercises, and then took an hour walk, keeping up pace with my Flogging Molly mix. My app only counted one of my jogging bits as running, but I picked up the place several times during my walk to keep up with the music. That’s despite the cold weather. *I really do love Flogging Molly for exercise.* My average steps per day is generally over that which the app recommends with few exceptions, and the one high-calorie day I hit 18,000 steps, nearly 8 miles of walking!

I’ve also been reeling in my blood sugars, finally getting my fasting numbers to begin to normalize. I have to say that the walking increase has helped with that, but making sure my dinners are on the light side also did. And blood pressure never was a concern, but I’m logging them anyway to make sure it stays that way.

My stress levels are even doing great and even when I push my speed with the walking/jogging I’m still keeping lower heart rates.

I swear that this meme is too true. Too close to home, but still funny.

Damn those genetics.

Anyway, I’m definitely feeling like all my work should amount to something visible. I have nothing to show for 4 months of dedicated exercise and food control. Except slightly better blood sugars. Oh well, I suppose I know, and regardless of people’s assumptions, I still know I can lift my husband (and most of the people I work on). I’m healthy despite having an obese body. Rawr.

I’ll leave you with 2 appropriate funny memes, and my usual blessing.

May you know your hard work matters. May your determination net visible results. May you see your improvement, and may you enjoy a healthful life.

Siva Hir Su

Learning to fly again.

This week has carried a heavy weight. One I’ve born alone as usual. Moving on from anything can be hard, but when there’s a strong energetic connection it’s even harder.

I counseled with an old acquaintance, had her reach for a less biased intuitive approach. In the end my desire to move on was relevant and she suggested some things to do to help. I was very appreciative of her input and validation of things I had felt and known. It did help some with a better understanding of why certain elements played out as they did, and was the nudge I needed to align with my physicality of moving on.

A short while later, I broke down while working on one of my elderly clients and through silent tears mentally begged Archangel Michael to help do for me what I do for others everyday: please take the pain away. It was after dinner and there was no sun, but the song “Sun Light” was stuck in my head, and I instinctively looked up to the ceiling for the closest light I could find. That made the tears pour down heavily, and I did feel significant relief. I did my best to remain quiet so my lady wouldn’t know I was crying while massaging her back. Several times that evening I had very similar repeats, ending with Nathan cutting cords on me utilizing some of the tips the acquaintance had given.

Today I’m sad, but functional and feeling significantly lighter. Most of the weight has lifted and I’m feeling like moving on is less daunting.

I told Nathan I want to, knowing it’s not going anywhere, but I had loved the idea of it/them, the interaction and energy of it all, so much that it hurts to let go and move on. Plus I can’t negate the connection I formed with the person and the very real emotions that connection carried regularly. I feel like I’m breaking my own heart. I said the law of attraction says you’re supposed to believe it and hold onto the belief, but it’s just not going to happen, so now I feel like I don’t know what to believe. Both Nathan and the acquaintance told me that it’s no reason to quit trusting my intuition, but that is where my distrust is the strongest right now. In time maybe I’ll trust myself again, just not today.

I feel like I also am holding distrust toward others as well, and I’m doing my best to let go of that. New people aren’t necessarily going to hurt me, logically I know that, but emotionally I’m so afraid of being hurt I’m holding others away. There is definitely a healing process when things don’t go as hoped or expected, and right now I’m smack dab in the middle of it.

Then the universe sent me a message. A wounded butterfly.

As I picked up the butterfly, the song “Broken Wings” played in my head. The poor monarch had one wing that wasn’t working, and it’s so cold now that if I had left it on the sidewalk it would have died by morning. I let it climb me and as I went into Whole Foods I saw the mum display and gave it a warm new home. That was its best chance of survival, but regardless it could lay eggs and start the life cycle over.

I’m like that butterfly, and the song. I need to give myself my best chance at a fresh start. I need to take my broken wings and learn to fly again. That means I must do my best to regain buoyancy and look forward. I must find a way to trust myself and others again, and I must stay disconnected from what was at all costs.

I must reach for better and learn to love and live again.

May you have healing moments, especially for your heart. May the angels take your pain and grief. May you trust yourself and others, and learn to live on. May you feel God’s grace and God’s healing. Finally, may you find love, and may you learn to fly again.

Siva Hir Su

Reaching for God’s View of Me

Theme song for this post 😆: https://youtu.be/x-EVWQAsZNA

That’s me at a Crows coffee, and that’s my post-work decalf almond milk mocha. I took a sip before realizing the barista had made a heart in the foam, and then wanted to capture it despite the deformity… first world problems right.

A new friend told me I needed to work on myself without being too hard on myself. I asked him to define that, and he fed me some of my own past advice: meditate and do things I enjoy. That was inspiration for the coloring and whatnot this week. It was very needed and I’m very appreciative of the reminder.

It stirred in me today many thoughts. I have to say after a segue into fantasy world which I got an interesting energetic kick back, I realized I needed a moment of how do others see me. Nay, I needed a moment of how does God see me. (By the way “your own personal Jesus” just started playing on the loud speakers at Crows. Te he ☺️.)

To that end; a long time ago I read a post from another blogger that was a mirror writing exercise. I thought I had already done such an exercise, but can’t find my old post to link to, so I’m going to start over with the selfie above as my mirror.

________________________________________

This woman in front of me, young, but with slight sprinkling of white hair implies having really lived in few years. It also denotes an acceptance of her own tawny hair, which the sun seems to bring out slight rosy highlights within the strands. I see vibrant soft skin with round plump rosy cheeks, a warmth that comes from within. Rich earthy eyes glazed with a slight moisture is creating an appearance of fatigue being held at bay by that inner fire. I see the determination to keep going. The gentle smile on her lips seems to give off gentle happiness or perhaps some reserved emotions mixed with joy. Head held high, carrying an air of confidence. Though no makeup covers any portion of this face sprinkled with slight blemishes, there is still beauty, and despite being late in the day her appearance is still tidy. This is natural raw beauty, unadulterated, just as God created. Additionally, she wears colorful beads and a Halloween scrub top. Seemingly contrasting, yet fun and whimsical. I know they are outward expressions of elements of her personality. The willingness to show her rawest self, with care, is a quality of strength. Strength of independence, strength of acceptance of her own very unique self. That kind of strength comes from a sense of self, an inner knowing, likely from facing demons many times over.

It takes guts to be completely yourself in a society bent on conformity and homogenized blandness. A society aimed at convincing the masses that a very small fragment of slim, large breasted, tanned, makeup covered, body-hairless women are beautiful. This woman is anything but that, yet still secure and confident in what she really is.

…. [I ask God to help me word non-physical views of me]….

This womans’ strength and confidence have grown so much that she now carries an air of compassion for others still fighting their more plentiful demons. Everyday she fights battles to help people to relax back into their own God given bodies.

She has a kind and gentle heart and she does her best to share it with those that will let her, even often sharing it with those that refuse her. Despite many hurts over her lifetime, she continues to fight her demons to push anger, fear, and hatred as far out of her being as possible. Her fight is to reach the light of God, to feel God’s grace. Her goal to show others how possible it is. She wants to heal herself completely to be an example of how even the most difficult battles can be won.

Her body still shows the journey, as losing nearly 100 pounds doesn’t disappear instantly. Though fatigue sometimes rips at her convictions, she inherently knows she is proud of her saggy skin and stretch-marks, as they are proof of her victories. Besides, there is still more journey left to do, and surgery might make that shorter, but then the victor is somehow less noticeable from her perspective. The slower route leaves much more evidence of her “I did it my way” & “HA, I win”.

Her strong hands heal others daily, and despite wishing for all of those caresses to be on her own skin, she knows it’s her path.

She gives of herself constantly, striving to help God make this world better each day. Wanting to teach by example, that we can all change for the better. She gives time, she gives intellectually, she gives physically through labor, she gives emotionally and energetically, she gives monetarily when she can. Though she often feels like she has little to offer, she really offers far greater each and every day than anyone ever acknowledges, because no one person sees all of her gifts. She gives everything of herself, especially when she sees commitment in return. When those around her step up, she gives doubly, even at risk to her own well being. She hopes one day to experience some sort of validating ripple effect of her efforts, or even see the good results once across the rainbow bridge.

She remains committed to her husband and children, and wants nothing more than to have others join her family. She sacrifices in many ways great and small, just to keep her family well cared for.

She strives to be a great ally to anyone needing one, and does her level best to respect and honor those that helped her from the past.

All of this, and she still aims to care for herself. She still wants to have fun and play. She still enjoys letting her inner geek or musician or artist fly. She still dreams big and fends off becoming jaded. She still holds out hope for her home country and her world to reach for better, for equality and acceptance, and to protect people’s rights. She knows we can do it together if we just practice simple concepts and support each other.

________________________________________

This strong, loving, emotional, supportive, healer is very appreciative that you read my moment of reaching for a broader view of myself and my efforts.

I wish for you to have a similar moment. It helps to step back and reword things from the perspective of what God might tell someone about you. Even if we’re not entirely accurate or forget things, it still helps to take a break from being too overly critical of yourself.

May you see your beauty. May you see your strengths. May you see your effect on this world. May you appreciate yourself a little more. May you always understand and appreciate that God loves you just the way you are.

We are all accumulated experiences of a human body, powered by God force, and sustained by God’s grace. Know you are doing your best and that is good enough.

Siva Hir Su

Creatively pesky-tarian?

That’s the best title I can come up with for the range of things I wanted to write about. I’ve had several things come together that seem drastically different.

The creative comes in with a continuation of playing with my new computer. Last night I sat down for just a few minutes to explore the paint program. I actually have 2 choices: Microsoft Paint 3D or Corel Painter Essentials. I chose to explore Essentials, and had so much fun. I didn’t do much of a picture, again just getting my feet wet. But it was enough to know the program’s potential.

The pesky-tarian comes in, because the results of several weeks of educated guessing boils down to becomming a pescatarian.

I’ve been struggling with high sugars since I was at the previous job, but had assumed it was because I was being exposed repeatedly to my known allergens. A simple cause and effect I already knew of. Yet, after changing positions and cleaning up my diet quite significantly, I was still having trouble. However, the trouble had dropped to just being my fasting numbers, my daytime reads were normal to occasionally low. So I knew it was something about my dinners.

After trial and error over several weeks: changing things, adjusting portions and times, making note of meal choices; I finally think I’ve solved my latest puzzle.

There was definitely a connection between portions and time, if I ate too much too late it would definitely cause higher numbers. I already knew that from pregnancy, but I was perplexed that it wasn’t a complete solution. I was missing something somewhere. I became meticulous about the what of my meal choices, and began to notice a pattern. Meat was causing higher numbers. Just when I ate chicken, turkey, or beef (a rare occurrence).

After consulting with the internet and one of the practitioners at the clinic, hypothesis is Lone Star Tick disease. She confirmed that she has a couple of clients with confirmed diagnosis of such concerns, so it’s within reason as a possibility. Especially since I spent 2 years surrounded by cattle and poultry, and having known I was bitten by a variety of ticks. I could pay for bloodwork to confirm diagnosis, or I could just eliminate the concern. Especially since I have documented cause and effect enough to know for certain I am having a typical-for-me reaction.

So, I begrugingly chose the latter. I’m now a pescatarian. Yet after a week off of meat, I’m feeling much better. I’m struggling with inflammation less, my numbers are consistently coming down, and even my exposure to gluten on Sunday was far less noticeable to my system: I still got my telltale sugar spike and red bumps on my face, but the bumps are clearing up twice as fast. That I am very appreciative of.

So, I take the trade off of only vegetable, fish, or egg protein, for much better overall health. I can live with that.

Finally, I wanted to note a realization from work. One of the things I love about being a massage therapist is being able to feel muscles and people relax. It’s why I work slow. I realized the other massage therapist works fast because he likes to see the muscles relax, he can watch range of motion improve with each stretch. I’m familiar with that concept, but I prefer the tactile aspect of holding a tight muscle and feeling it’s sigh of relief in relaxation. It’s more a note of self-awareness. It is just an aspect of me, perhaps because of my recognition of my hands doing God’s work. I like to feel things through my finger tips, I like creating things with my hands. Massage lets me do both: feeling the change in creating muscle relaxation. I also really enjoy feeling the energy flow of Reiki, that’s an extra level of wonderful sensitivity.

So, I leave you today with the following well wishes: May you have your moments of creative happiness. May you find solutions to all of your health concerns, and may you see the aspects of yourself that bring you joy.

Siva Hir Su

Awe and amazement…

Nathan and I just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. We’ve been together over 16 years. Anya was born over 14 years ago, and her mom left us over 13 years ago. I very much enjoyed her early childhood, but often felt like I wasn’t as much of an influence as I would have liked to be. Nathan has always sworn otherwise.

Tonight I really truly saw myself in my children and it was wonderful.

I really saw Ian and his thought processes. It was an “I discovered mini me” moment. He was getting frustrated because I said “I love you” followed by “I want to set my seat-mat”. I walked him through in painstaking detail how those are 2 separate concepts, the pause shows that, and they were not any bearing on his intelligence. I explained I know he knows how to push buttons and turn things on and off and even to change settings. I then explained how I know he’s learning to read, but he just doesn’t know the words for those settings yet and it would be faster for me to set it, than teach him how.

Essentially, he had thought that my 2 sentences meant I thought he couldn’t set my seat, like he was unable. As soon as I explained it the long way, he understood it was just he hadn’t gotten that far yet. My son, detail oriented just like me. Super intelligent just like me. Eager to learn, just like me. Impatient with himself, just like me. Super sensitive, just like me.

I told him that learning is like telling your brain I love you. The more he learns things the happier his brain will be. It’s a start… that will eventually be breaking curves, just like me.

Then Katherine decided to join the fun. I watched my 17-month-old run and sidestep an object without breaking stride. I watched her then do a pratfall in a perfectly clear area and laugh at herself. Then minutes later she demonstrated being able to climb the baby gate. She even demonstrated fine motor skills of putting a spoon part way through the slots of the baby gate and pulling it back. She tried to feed one of the kitties with the same spoon.

She made me sound out words by intently watching my mouth and then jabbing my lip for emphasis. I could see how intently she was focused on learning everything as fast as she possibly could, just like me.

As I sat eating my evening treat: almond butter and cashew butter mixed with a bit of honey, she climbed up on my lap and pointed at it and then her mouth, just like “Simon’s Cat“. I proceeded to give her as much as she wanted. I explained to her: “Uh oh, and I break all the rules: you’re not supposed to have any of these until you’re 5”. I thought that’s so silly, they have no idea how healthy these are for people.

I told her the nuts had nutrients that helped her use other nutrients, and healthy fats that help fix broken cells and build a great brain, and the sweet honey gave energy to do everything.

I then marveled at how on Earth could anyone actually believe that those are unhealthy foods.

Those are essentially first foods, the human race has been eating since the beginning of mankind on this planet. We have been conditioned over millennia that those foods sustain life. It’s only with modern problems that people’s bodies have been trained to think those items contain negative triggers.

Peanuts alone: a major anaflactic allergy was 1 in 100,000+ only a couple/few of decades ago. Now it’s 1 in 140, and a major portion of that escallation has happened in the last 10 years. Answer yourself how are our bodies being told that peanuts are so bad?

Nuts, fruits, and meats were first foods, and honey was the first sweetener. It amazes me that people have been trained that honey for babies will kill them. It is true that honey can have minute traces of botulism toxin, yet that toxin is what we inject in large quantities in adults for everything from puffy lips to migraines. There have been a rare few cases of babies that have died where honey was introduced just before their death, but no smoking gun to prove that’s what killed them. I’m going to point out here that either those babies were exposed to higher levels of botulism than normal (which can happen a number of ways), or they had very weak systems that would have struggled against nearly everything in their environment. The cases are sad but no reason to rule out honey as life sustaining food.

I have always fed my children Earths first foods and will always continue to do so. Yet I strive to keep as many man-made chemicals out of their bloodstream as possible. None of my children have suffered, and by my awe and wonder this evening- I know that they are flourishing.

I am ever so grateful that I have the knowledge and intelligence to have this experience. I am extremly grateful for my guiding connection to the divine that helps me see both the path to, and the results from, a moment like this. I am grateful that my children are just like me, regardless of money in the equation, it will get them far.

May you see the blessings in all your qualities. May you see the best of your children and be able to help them learn and grow on a path of least resistance. May you feel the love of the divine, and the guidance to give your children the best chances in this world. May you find full understanding of yourself and how wonderful it can be to help another little being discover this world.

Be well and be loved.

Siva Hir Su

Pause.

I’m having a series of redefining moments.

It started with the guy at work. Very intelligent, very handsome, but because he’s just gone through a divorce he’s in player mode. I’ve discovered that’s a huge turnoff for me. He’s literally thrown himself at all the women, with exception of the lesbian and the woman that threw herself at him first. It’s very unbecoming.

It’s one thing to explore to define what you want and are interested in. It’s entirely another to be outwardly vocal about playing the field and throwing around innuendo like candy.

The former I can respect because: if you didn’t honestly know, and needed a few experiences to point you in the right direction, but were able to utilize that to focus in a specific direction, then great. Sometimes, if you’ve never experienced certain things, but find them intriguing, then you do need to give it a try to see if it’s really a fit for you or not.

Where the turnoff on the latter comes in, is that even though he seems very intelligent he’s made very clear that nearly anything goes right now. It’s simply because he can, not because he is invested in any way, shape or form, even to redefine his preferences. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

It’s the same conversation I had with Anya when the older teens introduced her to porn. Just because she had the technology to look up what they were talking about didn’t mean she should have. She can’t unsee what she saw, she can’t unlearn certain concepts. My point to her was that if she’d brought the question to Nathan and I, we could have given her the most PG version possible and then she would have avoided the trauma of that learning experience.

This man is doing the same thing but with real humans and in real time. That’s bound to end up in someone getting hurt, or a medical problem (pregnancy or STD), and potentially both. That kind of reckless disregard for consequences is very hazardous and speaks to a lack of integrity.

I’ve told Nathan about him hitting on me and that I suspect he hasn’t even tried googling me yet. I suspect that if he had, the innuendo would have gotten more intense. As it is, I’m currently experiencing the same level as everyone else he has in his sights. Though I’m flattered that he’s acknowledged me as a possibility for him, he’s not really even close to one for me. Especially if he can’t snap out of the BS quickly and regain his senses.

I told Nathan the unfortunate side effect of me being who I am, is that I tend to bring far more to the table for others, than they do for me. I cited several relationships where I changed paradigms for people, but I benefited in no way. Several others I managed to enjoy a little intimacy to still end up feeling like I got the short end of the stick. One couple in particular were not interested in me or Nathan as partners, but they were perfectly happy taking advantage of introduction to polyamory and Camp Gaea. It’s just one of many such situations I’ve contributed to.

Yet acknowledging these things, I’ve had to step back a bit and admit that each and every situation has provided me with lists of “do’s & don’ts”. Every situation has provided clarity. The couple I just referenced for example, in hindsight I can see that several of their habits are far too unhealthy for my needs and it wouldn’t have worked out anyway. So, I may have opened their minds and shifted their paradigm, but I gained great clarity on what kinds of people and their habits I’m looking for.

So I’m a very complex person with complex needs, wants, and desires. As evidenced by the array of music I listen to. Below is just a short sampling of what’s accessible on my phone, of which I’m in the midst of listening to on shuffle.

That brings me to my bullet points of redefining today- I’ll list them below the music screenshot.

  • I asked for tall dark and handsome with intelligence and financial stability (to help with myself feeling more safe and secure), but it needs to come with integrity and sensibility and an awareness of consequences.
  • I still wish I had my Indian people back that I let into my heart. My heart aches for that connection. C’est la vie.
  • Polyamory is a must: an understanding that intimacy is exchanged because of a foundation in love, and an ability to share of ourselves and contribute as family.
  • Respect for myself and my family is a must. I’m not a trophy or a touchdown, and my goal continues to be building a bigger family. None will be cut to enable another’s entry. Once I am fully committed and invested, I intend to remain as such.
  • Respect is earned, and love is found and grows.
  • People need to start investing in me as much as I do them. Otherwise I’ll just quit investing altogether. I can always keep doing what I’ve been doing, and I need more heartache like another hole in the head. I need to see genuine interest and caring interactions before I invest in another relationship again.
  • I need people to understand I didn’t get where I am overnight. If I tell you I have allergies that have taken decades to figure out, and I don’t have willpower because my body is chemically addicted to those allergens, then you should be supportive and not consider it a fun game to get me to eat that shit. It’s not a fun game to give an alcoholic liquor, and it shouldn’t be any different with me and a doughnut.
  • Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. If you find you’re interested, you better define why. I may be a bit jaded and cynical at this point and distrust flirtations and innocent placations. Having someone promise the world to me and turn around 6 months later to literally take everything back will do that.
  • I care about ME.
  • I love ME.
  • I respect myself.
  • I know I’m strong and intelligent.
  • I know I have integrity.
  • I know I consider consequences.
  • I know I make choices carefully.
  • I know I value others.
  • I know I am consistent regardless of my being different from the masses.
  • I know that I care about myself and others.
  • I will wait patiently for others to begin reflecting these things to me.
  • I know I am strong physically, mentally, and emotionally and my strength has come from overcoming many, many challenges.
  • I know that in time my willpower over my allergens will increase as the chemical dependence on them decreases, it’s simply another challenge of practice makes perfect. I look forward to more people around me being supportive of that journey for me, and helping me to build my willpower.
  • I look forward to being around people that have faced similar challenges and really understand how to be supportive. The kind of people that can help me increase my health and finish reaching some of my goals, because they’ve already gone through the journey.
  • I look forward to people with more pieces to completing my puzzle, more keys to unlock the paths still unrevealed. More progress.
  • I look forward to more people that can see all of me and can handle it.

May you all have redefining moments. May you all see what you seek. May you all have a healthy level of self-love, self-respect, and self-admiration. May God send you the people to help continue your growth.

Be well. Siva Hir Su.

It’s not a tumor

Or a gallstone.

After 36 hours of resting and detoxing, Epsom baths and super-clean minimal eating, I was better enough to do a half day of work. Or so I thought.

I went in and after an hour, my headache and body pain flared again. I was exasperated.

I worked 6 hours and went home to rest and detox some more. I even did cupping to pull out toxins. My body really needed that.

After all of the rounds of cupping (both shoulders and back), I ended up with big dark circles and blisters from severe muscle congestion, all over my upper body. I looked like a giant octopus had attacked me, but I felt so much better.

I was certain at that point I must have accidentally ingested too much actual pepper.

I knew the dinner theater trip I took with residents had served veggies with red peppers in them, but thought I’d picked all the bits out. I must not have, or there was something else I missed, because several of my allergens cause body pain like that. However, this round was super intense because I haven’t experienced the burning in my chest, shoulders, and arms before.

Needless to say, I’m back to the brain-mouth argument over foods in my environment. My brain knowing that the reaction sucks enough to say no, but my mouth knowing how tasty everything is. It’s a never ending battle that my will-power wins when I’m pregnant, but often loses when I’m the only one to suffer.

So to reset, my goal is to stay clean from here on out, a monumental challenge in the environment I work in. I just can’t afford the reaction and resulting pain and time off it causes.

On the up side Katherine is still doing great. Still a few days from being a year old, and she’s climbing stairs on playground equipment (family went out while I was predisposed with my few hours of work).

She is intent on catching up with Ian as quickly as possible. She even takes his trucks and plays with them just like him. I hope she sticks to the good things and ignores his bad behavior. I’m also very grateful that she enjoys being outside so much, we’ll get lots of miles out of that.

May all of you enjoy sunshine, outdoors, progress, self-care and calm immune systems.

Good nite and be well.

Already on the bus.

So I’ve finished reading “The Energy Bus” and realize now that I’ve already gotten my bus going. It’s been a slow start, bumpy ride, with a few breakdowns already, but my bus is generally pointed the right direction and moving.

Really I’ve been driving my bus for a while, but just need more focus and helpful passengers

I have my committed passengers, in for the full ride- my family by marriage and by giving birth.

I have my semi-committed or part time riders, people in my daily and work life that are generally as helpful as they can be, but can’t necessarily stay for the whole ride. Sometimes they’re on and sometimes they’re busy on their own bus.

I have at least one passenger, maybe 2 or 3 that I’m hoping are like the character Michael. Where they removed themselves, but ultimately come around, and end up finding themselves wanting to make positive changes too, and join my bus again. That would be nice, not just for my bus, but for them- their state of being- and because it will validate messages I got what seems like forever ago. May we all master only feeding the good dog.

So far I’ve already ejected a few of what was termed “Energy Vampires” from my bus, and there’s one big one that needs to go yet. Fortunately, those from my biological family have mostly removed themselves from my life, so that’s one less hurdle.

With all that being said, this book leaves me acknowledging I have steps to go yet.

I have used this blog to write about Atira many times, but it’s scattered through multiple posts and partial posts, and I’m not sure I’ve ever reinforced the entirety of the complexity of that to those on board my bus, even if part time. I think it would help to get more concise with my desires, vision, and focus so that there is one document I can reference. Maybe even to give them copies.

I still have a ways to go to ensure I’m only feeding the good dog, and fueling my bus with positive energy. I have the basic idea, but have some practicing to do to maintain it, because I do let fear and stress get the better of me frequently.

Also, I totally spend too much time worrying about people that don’t get on my bus. I will get better at acknowledging maybe it’s too soon for them or they have other reasons for not joining my route. It’s not personal to me, it’s personal for them and their journey.

Additionally, I still have a ways to go on demonstrating my own enthusiasm and love. I already do both, but often allow myself to be easily deflated, especially when my efforts go unnoticed, unacknowledged, or unresponded to. Then once I’ve been deflated, I definitely still struggle to get back up and give another go.

I also need to find my purpose in everything better. It’s easy for me when what I’m doing is part of my vision for Atira, but much much harder when my task-at-hand is seemingly unrelated. That is evidence of not fully knowing that “everything happens for a reason”. I must trust more and find how everything relates. How does what I’m doing fit with my journey and fuel my bus.

Lastly, a huge must: start having more fun and enjoying the ride more. It’s not that I don’t at all, but I really succumb to stress easily. I’m latching onto the books’ phrase “you can’t feel stressed when you feel blessed”. That is my biggest new goal. To be “too blessed to be stressed”.

With that I wanted to share the list of rules the book went over:

And finally, I wanted to share an Abraham Lincoln quote (below) from the book that really resonated with me. My life journey fine-tuned to that direction after the online stranger woke my dreams up in me. I realized I may fail, I may never actually get there, but giving up all together- ignoring who I’ve become- is far worse than failing. I must remain true to who I am and where I’d like to go, if I’m to ever find consistent happiness and have any chance at all of possibly making it there. I want my light to shine bright from here until my dieing days.

Again, thank you for hanging in with me and joining at least the written part of my ride. I sincerely hope you benefit from my words in one way or another.