Tag Archives: heal yourself

A moment.

Sometimes it is hard to see the forrest for the trees.

Google decided to show me a selfie from 7 years ago today. I could see the difference, so I took a quick current selfie. I appreciate that I am slimmer, and do want to post a full body version of this moment. I’m still not to where my goal was set, but I am closer than I was. Thank you google, and thank you Nathan for doing your best to support this journey.

May you have validating moments of appreciation. May you honor your journey even if it is taking longer than desired.

Om Shanti

Post portal tools.

So it occurred to me after my post yesterday that it was 11-11-2020. Supposedly another of those big energy portal days. It could have played into things for me for sure.

I’ve also been toying (again) with the idea of Tessering from “A Wrinkle in Time”. I’ve written before about how that book had such a huge impact on my childhood and affected my psyche in ways I recently (last couple of years) have begun to notice and unravel. Well, beyond feeling like I’m battling the IT in our current ‘reality’, I have tried my hand at Tessering to parallel timelines with better outcomes. There are several big internet people that talk about the concept from varying vocabulary standpoints, but the idea is the same. Shift yourself to a better place one concept at a time. I feel like I have accomplished it a couple of times in small ways, so I am hoping that I can keep that love going.

So my tool today to attempt that, has been a repeating inner dialogue during my client appointments, which looks like this:

  • Where’s my inner me.
  • Where’s the me that is loose, flexible, and aligned.
  • Where’s the relaxed and centered me.
  • Where is me that knows everything is okay.
  • Where is the me that is calm and centered.
  • Where is the me that has joined my parts to a cohesive healed fully functional whole.
  • Where is the me that has healed fully and completely.
  • Where is the me that no longer reacts to food.
  • Where is the me where inflammation has dispersed.
  • Where is the me that is comfortable.
  • Where is the me that is strong and relaxed.
  • Where is me that is self assured.
  • Where is the me that is prosperous and prepared.
  • Where is the me that is able to handle this and more.
  • Where is the me that is strong enough.
  • Where is the me that is grounded and centered.
  • Where is the me that is fully healthy and feels good.
  • Where is the me that has good propper posture always, even while working.
  • Where is the me with balanced body, muscles and functions.
  • Where’s the me with solid core strength.
  • Where is my relaxed self.
  • Where is the inner knowing.
  • Where is my clarity.
  • Where is the me that knows I don’t need something or someone, but maybe still wants them.
  • Where is my knowing that I have everything I need inside of myself.
  • Where is my self that feels good.
  • Where is the me that is energized and excited.
  • Where is the me that is strong enough but can melt muscles just by touch.
  • Where is the me that finds enjoyment in helping others (and occasionally in inflicting good pain).
  • Where is the me that is confident.
  • Where is the me that is stable and secure.
  • Where is the me that is so healthy my energy flows smoothly and freely, inside and out.
  • Where is the me that feels ease and feels good.
  • Where is the me that has full flexible range of motion.
  • Where is me that knows I have support.
  • Where is the me that sees the love I give myself and that I’m given by others.
  • Where’s the me that remembers the care I have taken for myself, that retains the self care and massages.
  • Where’s me that is relaxed and let go of stress or worries.
  • Where’s my knowing.
  • Where’s my love.
  • Where is my inner me.
  • Cells see my inner me.
  • Cells feel my inner me.
  • Connecting with my inner me heals everything fully and completely.
  • Where is my ‘able to eat anything and stay healthy and slim’ self.
  • Where is my perfectly balanced metabolism.
  • Where is my healed thyroid.
  • Where is my healthy pancreas.
  • Where is my fully healed flowing liver.
  • Where is my healed digestive system.
  • Where is my feeling good.
  • Where is my safe, grounded sense of being alright.
  • Where is ME.

After 3 sessions with my inner dialogue on a free flowing repeat, I can already tell the difference. I am beginning to feel much better. My shoulders are beginning to relax. My neck is beginning to relax. I’m generally feeling more energized and centered. It feels good to feel better, and I really really appreciate my ability to reach for that with tools like this.

May you have helpful inner dialogue. May you feel better. May you see your improvement. May you find a way to join your parts together and heal your self. May you feel the love and know that God supports you. May you Tesser to your best self and your best life.

Om Shanti

Work in progress.

I am a work in progress, but aren’t we all.

However, this week has been challenging to see any such progress.

I didn’t get a chance to do any InkTober drawings after the 5th, and even that one didn’t get finished on the 5th. I didn’t get all my exercise in. I didn’t get my salt bath last night. My arms and hands hurt, and frankly a lot of my body hurt, that is why I failed to exercise. I was tired all week, and the fatigue was so intense that two days it caused a drop in mood as well.

I did ask for help. I received acupuncture twice and an adjustment today. My husband worked on me despite having a million other things on his to-do list. I used mechanical tools to work on myself and rested more than usual. I also managed to stay very clean on food choices, especially since I know this mess started because of food fails.

Instead of continuing my 7 day a week work journey, I cleared Sunday. I also cleared part of my Tuesdays to have a few extra hours to myself.

Mondays I’m now functional as office staff for the clinic, and this week it was a good thing because I almost ended up alone. The front desk person was in a nasty car accident over the weekend and the friend/office manager wasn’t really at full capacity from chemo. But the two of us managed to get through the day with a minimum of difficulty.

Saturdays are still split between the clinic and the independent living building. The rest of the week is all massage. Regardless of where or when, I continue to do my best to spread love and healing with all my activities and interactions.

It’s a lot, but I want to help, for God and for good, so I do. I know it could be worse because my past has had worse if both extremes (too much and too little). I’d rather keep doing what I’m doing than risk too little again.

Autumn is now out of the hospital and Nathan has been helping her with several things during the day. She is more ambulatory now than we were originally concerned about, and KU Med was finally able to get the MRSA infection under control. She will now receive a weekly infusion treatment of an experimental drug which so far seems to be doing the job nicely. Her thumb was the last surgery done, and she was worked on by skilled plastic surgeons, so instead of loosing the thumb, it’s now just a fraction of an inch shorter and more slender than her other hand, but infection free.

She has many challenges, but amidst the chaos of the medical predicament, her wife has agreed to mariage counseling. So, their divorce which was sidelined by the medical situation continues to be in forbearance. She is unsure of moving forward, so she’ll stay with us at least short term to figure out post hospital treatments and what might happen with her wife.

I told Nathan that I simply wanted to help and if we see her through all the way, it’s great, but if we merely get her started that is okay too. God knows what is best for both her and our desire to help.

Some days I wonder what I’m doing, and why I keep pushing. Others I simply know exactly why.

My feminine half wants to slow down, and my masculine half knows I can’t, at least not yet. I must keep going a little while longer.

My masculine half wants to finally heal and be the slender Venus I desire. My feminine half knows I may never fix it and need to quit being so damn hard on myself.

My masculine half needs to strive to be better, do more, be stronger, be healthier, push and push, to try and make up for all the times I wasn’t good enough. My feminine half knows that sometimes we’re not able to do or be something because it’s simply not our job, not our responsibility. You can’t fix everything, that is why we need to look to God and allow the divine forces to do things for you.

But the I wasn’t raised that way, my parents rarely trusted God, and usually it was my mom demonstrating all the trust in divine will. So I keep trying and weeks like this feel insurmountable. I want to trust, but when I’m so damn tried and achy it’s awfully hard to do so.

I see Autumn as a beautiful woman that has been horribly battered and beaten by life, and she needs to find her inner self and love and trust to be able to truly heal.

Saying those words I also see myself.

Yet, I know I have felt my inner being. I’ve heard my inner being. I know what that means. I love my inner being, and when I look at all the things I’ve lived through and overcome I do love myself.

I love how much I’ve strived to improve myself, not just for me, but for my whole family. I love that I never gave up, when many times I wanted to. I love that I fought depression and despite it nearly winning dozens of times, it never actually did. Despite two decades of a depression ridden brain telling me I’d be better off dead, I have managed to live and find at least some healing.

At this point I feel like the exhausted sprinter that took third place. I feel like I could have and should have done better, but I made it far enough that I do deserve some kind of prize. Right now I just don’t know what that means, but I’m trying not to fall over before I get to find out.

I have one client left for the day, one of my house calls that I’m very tempted to not reschedule with. I definitely have trouble saying NO, especially when something helps me keep up with the never-ending snowball of finances, so off I go for one more hour.

May you see your inner beauty and trust yourself enough for healing. May you find a way to show love even when others choose not to see it. May you know your efforts matter in just the way God intends. May you find ways to help others around you even when you might need help yourself. May you find ways to take care of yourself and keep yourself functional to be able to keep doing more. May you put yourself first just enough to matter and show yourself some love. May you know that in the end it will all somehow be worth it. May you know God loves and supports you.

Siva Hir Su

InkTober 5th: blade; micron pigma pen on Strathmore cold press watercolor paper, approximately 4″ x 4″