Thank you @FearlessMotivation, the song helps, but running still sucks. Hiding behind my smile is a grimace and scowl.
I’m at 24 hours of perfect habbits, a week of good behavior. Just had my blood drawn this morning, so it’ll reflect my previous average more, especially with just having come out of the thyroid storm.
Though I’m a bit anxious to see the lab work results, I know I’m already working towards better.
My workout yesterday was the first attempt at aiming toward what my one client does everyday of late. Aiming is the key word. I did not get there. I ran about half of 2 miles in 2 minute increments, dropping to my speed walking range in-between. And finished with one set of weightlifting. So sort-of almost half of her routine.
I discovered that running slow like one friend had suggested felt very awkward- I can’t run slow. I literally felt off balance and like I was going to trip myself. Running at 6 to 6.5mph, fast for me, but only slightly over the slow run pace of friend suggestions corrected the wobbly incongruency. But because I never run it still was a killer. Running has only ever been a response to emergency/pseudo-emergencies or rarely for being late. So I literally felt like my body wasn’t getting enough oxygen and I would have to slow down to just be able to catch up breathing. It kinda pissed me off.
Nathan said I should congratulate myself for even trying. He reminded me that not quite 7 years ago I was 300 pounds and that I’ve never run except for short sprints. He said it was a valliant decent effort. He also reminded me that it would likely have left him on the floor at best and in the ER at worst.
All I know is on the treadmill I alternated between cursing heavily and repeating: “Treasa you can do this.” I will definitely have to work hard at improvement to get where my client is.
To be fair, before her thyroid crash she was a soccer player in college. I have never participated in ANY sports, EVER.
So the painful aim at making friends with running has begun. And my diet is back on track with what I did during 2nd pregnancy. Yea rabbit food.
Now I’m off to today’s workout before my first client at the clinic, hopefully my blood draw won’t slow that down.
May you have good progress and see your improvement. May you focus on your goals, and keep your dreams, even if they remain just dreams. May you understand your body and it’s needs. May you be able to keep up with all of it.
Siva Hir Su
Update: 2nd new workout was only very slightly easier. I went directly into 2 massages and was in fairly constant motion from 10am to 2pm. My legs are cranky and I just hit tired. I have one more client and then I can go rest. Yea me. I sincerely hope this all pays off eventually.
1. Why are women all over the world having the following things happen? -psychic messages, thyroid trouble, having to eat like cavemen minus meat, having to exercise like cavemen being chased by a tiger but needing haul the cow home.
Two of my clients share my thyroid battle, and I’m discovering through many connections that there are teams of us out there. So, in comparing notes with the ones I’m directly connected to, I’m coming to terms with needing to adjust my workouts again. It seems I’m finally going to have to make friends with running. I can walk 5 to 6 miles at a 12min pace and not flinch, so it’s merely been maintaining my current body state. I’m at an equilibrium that is still 60 pounds heavier than I would prefer. The person that seems to be a few months ahead of the trajectory I have been following explained that she does a mile warm up, and 2 miles running at full tilt. In between each mile she does weighted cross training exercises. That is how she has gotten the fat to finally start dissipating. Yikes. Hence being chased by a tiger and having to haul the cow home. The others that I know, all run. I hate running. Merh.
As I compared notes on diet, she essentially confirmed that what I did during Katherine’s pregnancy is spot on. Avoid all traces of sensitivities/allergens, eat hourly in terms of 1/4-1/3 cup of whole veggies or fruits, occasional nuts are okay. … I’ve been a bit lazy on this of late, so it’s time to buckle down again. I had gotten into the habit of larger amounts less frequently because that is what the dominant paradigm wants to convince us is better, yet us women struggling with thyroid concerns can’t function as well that way. I’ve also been a bit lazy on the allergens which has led to those super horrible thyroid swings. I know better on that one, but it’s so damn hard to maintain.
Finally, those of us that acknowledge the psychic messages don’t always know how to handle them or what they ultimately mean. It’s still a mystery, but one lots of us share.
I’m just curious why so many of us women, post childbirth, are having this super difficult journey that goes against everything the dominant paradigm and Western medicine says we are supposed to do. Nathan proposed that perhaps God is prepping humanity for a huge shift and the strongest healthiest women are going to be the ones to get us through. I sincerely hope he’s not right, but I have no other ideas that make sense.
2. Triggered by these fortune cookie strips and current events… I didn’t eat either of the cookies, Nathan helped me avoid them.
As for Chinese food, I get to eat vegetable soup. Even the broccoli is coated in a sauce that I’m sure has at least one allergen in it. And yes most statistics are essentially stated however the person wanting to tell them spins it. Like trying to proclaim Biden as the winner of today’s primary states before they have even been counted. If you believe the hype and end up with Trump being re-ellected, I won’t have any sympathy, and I’ll likely be one of the survivors of the ensuing nuclear Holocaust. I for one will vote with my intelligence and my heart, which tells me that Bernie is the most consistent politician I’ve ever seen. He’s also the most caring and compassionate for our citizens as a whole, of any politician I’ve ever seen; and he’s the best candidate of those running in terms of being able to get people talking and finding compromise that everyone can live with. Bernie reaches for the stars to start conversations that actually lead to productive results, and I personally think that is really his goal in the first place- the compromise not the stars.
3. Finally, this is a small snippet of my stocks the last couple of weeks, thanks to Trump.
I’m personally to the point that if I hear someone say that Trump has been good for the economy I’ll show them my stocks and then punch them. Some of my stocks are literally worth half of what I bought them at. The best one is $2 a share less than purchase price, and at one point it was $8 a share over purchase price. Not only has he been directly responsible for at least 3 market crashes that I know of, he has created no long terms jobs, not raised the decades out-of-date minimum wage, not created a boost to the retail sector, and even pissed off many of his big-business croonies.
And that doesn’t even cover his friendliness with communists. Everyone wants to be upset over Bernie’s socialist leanings, which would merely catch us up with the rest of the civilized world, when we used to be at war with communists- Trump’s new friends that hacked our last election.
So yeah, I might be a bit ranty tonight. It’s better than depression and got me off of other subjects. I’ll take it.
May you have productive rants. May you vote with your intelligence and heart and ignore stupid outlandish statistics. May you find health more easily than all us thyroid survivors. And may we all see Trump removed from office and World War 3 averted. Many blessings to everyone, even if you disagree with me, my spirit knows your spirit agrees with me on all the things that really count.
I’m 95% of the way through my thyroid storm. I only feel the painful heart skips or speeding occasionally. My mood has stabilized. My thinking is more clear again. My headache comes and goes, but is gone more then present.
On top of that we had our housewarming gathering today. I bought enough food for 2 armies, and half of one showed up, so we’ll have tons of leftovers. Plus, I was pleased to see some faces considering a few days ago my thyroid storm had me believing no one cared.
It was a good first gathering in our home. I look forward to many more.
I didn’t take any of my supplements today, wanting to make sure I stayed down in normal range. Now to just find the balance where I maintain the thyroid sweet spot again. I went a year and a half doing pretty well with no medication, so now I have a reminder to keep doing what I was doing. I know the best path and I just need to stick to it. I get better at that every day, and considering I fell into the hole of my brain hurting enough to think about suicide, I climbed back up very quickly.
May last bout of that was right after Katherine’s birth and it took 2 weeks to wade through the crash to even come close to normal. The same period after Ian was born took 14 weeks after acknowledgement that I needed help. So more like 16-18 weeks from when I fell in the hole. This time it was right at a week from knowing something was off, to falling in the hole, to successful climb back out, and that’s even with stupid people taking me for granted as get laid quick schemes, rejecting actual relationship possibilities.
I’m giving myself huge kudos on that shift, that improvement; especially since I had only Nathan’s encouraging words to help me. No one stopped me, no one told me what to do, not one person figured it out for me. AND I did it all when my hurting brain was telling me it was easier to throw in the towel and just kill myself.
I literally just kept flip flopping between those scary thoughts and convincing myself that it was solvable and I just needed to regain control for the sake of my husband and kids. Once the storm calmed just enough, I was able to start attempting to analyze my previous actions to try and figure out what led up to the storm. Now I am fairly certain I know what led up to it and what to do to get into my sweet spot and maintain it again.
5 years ago that was impossible. I couldn’t even regain balance without help and was at the mercy of band-aid pills controlled by uninvested doctors. Now I have knowing, I have data, I know cause and effect, and I’ve won the battle enough times I’m now getting more efficient at winning. I may not have healed my body, but I know how to manipulate the dysfunction enough to maintain my stability.
Stability itself will eventually allow for healing.
The one moment I am clinging to is what I said to Nathan standing in the shower bawling my eyes out. I still believe it even if I’m not certain of my ability to allow it: “Love is supposed to fix the things I can’t fix by myself.” In the moment of tears I thought I was crying because I believed wrong. However, now I see that I was crying because I was doubting a true internal belief. I hold that belief so deeply that even a little doubt feels absolutely horrible. So it must come to pass. God is just waiting for me to do my part and the rest will fall into place.
Thank you God for helping me find my solutions. Thank you for helping me see the rediculous for what it is. Thank you for talking me out of my hurt and desire to give up. Thank you for giving me Nathan and his supportive kind words. Thank you for helping me fix what is wrong, and I do know you’ll help me find healing if I get out of my own way.
May you all have moments of clarity and healing. May you all find your solutions. May you all sense God’s guidance. May you have easy roads. May you respect yourself and others, especially when fighting battles like mine. May you feel better faster and more efficiently.
I’m having a bit of a mental breakdown. Not the end of the world, I’m doing everything in my power to fix it.
I suspect it’s hormones butting up against my feeble attempt to release beliefs which are definitely holding me back.
I know I am strong, I know I’m independent, capable, intelligent. I know I’m good at what I do and my business ever grows. I know I’m better every day at patience, kindness, and mastering money. I know I am able to do anything I put my mind to and willing to keep learning new things. I know I’m compassionate and caring towards everyone.
I know I’ve been working on myself for a long time and doing better in many ways because of it.
I care about myself enough to fix what’s broken, especially to make strides towards healing my body, my mind, and nourishing every part of myself. Honoring who I am. I’m not perfect, I’m human, but considering I was raised to not do any such thing, I’ve made huge strides.
Today’s efforts included finishing a book, healthy choices in diet and supplements (still doing pescatarian AIP), and going to the gym because they all help me be a better me.
Yet my workout was interrupted by tears and embarrassment. Running to the bathroom I hid in a stall crying. Another woman asked me if I needed anything, if I was hurt.
I just answered no, I’m okay. Because physically I’m fine, my current hurts are not visible. The workout was going great until the tears hit.
So why did they?
I’ve been fighting frustrations and anxiety since I woke this morning. I was doing my best to tell myself all the things I do know and run through all the good things. I was trying to Abraham myself up the emotional scale.
Then it hit me. The alignment issues I’ve had with people I love. For at least 2 or 3 of the people I gave my heart to, I don’t believe they find me beautiful.
Because I don’t feel beautiful.
I want so much to feel beautiful. But I have no idea how. The few times I have were looking at Nathan’s photographs of me. But there’s a voice that says it’s just what he sees as beautiful; others don’t find the same things beautiful.
Society has taught me that. In my 37 years, there’s been very few people my size on any screen or in any publication. Of those, none have my dark eye circles, none have stretch marks, floppy skin, or acne/psoriasis. At least not that the photographer, videographer, or producer would ever let you see.
We are so ingrained with the unrealistic idea of what’s supposed to be beautiful, that there’s no way any real woman will ever be able to even come close.
Yet when there’s only one way to be beautiful, and everyone is selling things to help you attempt to match that, how do you believe anything different?
How does one convince oneself that they are beautiful when slicing and dicing oneself is the best attempt to get there?
When every effort made only helps to feel better, and none show, how does one believe they are beautiful?
My belly sags- that is when it’s not bloated, my thighs touch, I have zits in places only Nathan sees. I chaffe when it’s hot, I get the equivalent to diaper rash when I eat gluten, and I don’t wear diapers. Despite having two children vaginally, I only have very slight issues when I sneeze or cough too much or too hard.
Yet yesterday I walked 12,000 steps without flinching.
But that’s strength and endurance, not beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. In the eye- it’s visible. But we all see things differently. We all have our own perspective, our own life experiences which have shaped our preferences and taught us what is beautiful out not.
Unfortunately, I live in a society which has done such a great job at brainwashing everyone that I know none find me attractive. I’m too far outside what is trained to be beautiful. Even with all of my diligent efforts. Individuals make exceptions based on their direct family, but I’ve met so many women fighting this same mental battle, that I know there’s no hope. It’s why I hate the cosmetic medical procedure industry, they only contribute to millions of women hating their appearance, and unfortunately even their efforts rarely meet expectations.
But is there hope?
I have unleashed yet another piece to fix, another onion peel to cry over and shed. Every last one eventually had a solution. This will eventually too. That is for me.
What about the other millions and billions of women struggling with the same thought?
It has started, there are a few more big women in media these days.
But they are still covered in make-up, still photoshopped, still pryed into shaping garments, still airbrushed and tanned, still filtered in the camera, and finally still covered with clothes when those options fail.
Our kids need to see that all of every person is beautiful, even the flaws. When that day comes there will be hope for all of us.
For me I just hope to convince myself sooner than later that the ones I love really do see me as beautiful. I dare to hope to one day believe I am attractive to someone beautiful enough to be an Abercrombie and Fitch model. That feels better than coming to terms with Nathan loves me despite being completely ugly. I have no idea where to start, but like all things I’ll figure it out as I go, hopefully as quickly as learning manual tasks come for me.
May you all feel beautiful inside and out. May you see the fallacy of societal standards. May you have strength when you see things that try and convince you otherwise. May you show your knowledge to others. May you accept all of everyone, including their flaws. May you be blessed and loved in all ways.
“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.” -William Shakespeare
My one brother, at the wedding in October, told me that he had no idea how I did it. He was referencing my life and the hours I work and everything I do for my family. This is the brother I have always felt had his shit together the best. Of all our family, I thought he was the smartest, I thought he was the most disciplined, I thought he was the most organized and well respected.
Yet, here he was telling me that he had no idea how I did it, and my only answer was: I had to, I didn’t really feel I had any other options. Between loving my husband, and being raised that welfare and social programs were a necessary unwanted evil, as well as divorce being a last resort, I just knew it was sink or swim. I chose to swim the best I could, and I think most of us would aim for that.
I have played meek and I have played strong. I have played timid, bashful, and shy; yet also confident, outgoing and talkative.
I have played the hard worker, the dependable, the confidant. I have over-played my hand and underplayed my skills, but managed by the grace of God to be successful in my business and support my family. I have surprised and delighted many and disappointed probably twice as many. I have been well spoken and diplomatic, but other times I have inserted foot-in-mouth. I sometimes make the best joker, but other times miss the joke all together.
I’m a fierce warrior like Joan of Arc, that frequently wishes to run and hide, rather wishing for a better Knight to save me. And spiritually: Jesus couldn’t reach me for the burden of my childhood, so I found Shiva as an adult (really they are one and the same, 2 aspects of the same divine masculine).
I’m a mother who gave birth to two beautiful healthy children and helped a third start her life. I’m the father that fixes what’s broken, makes a better home, and provides for it all. I have lady parts, but men’s hormones and hair- just not enough of them to count for their benefits. I’m attracted to both, and want them all to love me and get along with each other.
I’m an animal lover guilty of having consumed more than my fair share of non-pets. I’m a creative artist that can do calculus, though a bit rusty at both right now. I’m an excellent massage therapist, and decent musician and cook.
More words, attempting to convey feelings and processes I’ve been working through. A continual effort toward self-improvement. A continuation of the last few posts.
I’m trying to do what this song speaks to:
I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.
Still figuring out what God and my inner being want to be/feel loved. So far I have figured out the following.
I like being shown genuine appreciation and attraction, but I have been lied to so much in my life I’ve begun to believe everyone is lieing to me. Plus knowing I don’t fit the standard of beauty (by a long shot) makes me believe I am just receiving lip-service when I am told I’m beautiful.
I love loving and being loved, but I’ve lost so many people whom I loved, that I’ve begun to cut myself off before I get hurt. I’ve also been afraid of letting new people in at all.
I like being given money or gifts of any kind really, but I’m so afraid of not knowing how, or being able to repay it that I hold it off. The one exception is massage tips because I know they are a gift of showing ones appreciation for a job really well done, and I’m not expected to repay them.
I like knowing that I’m doing better financially, but I’ve had to work so hard for what little I do have that I’m afraid that everyone is out to get me, take advantage of me, or rip me off. I honestly thought that someone I loved was being manipulated enough that they or the manipulator wanted to make me pay- extortion. In reality I can see that they might have thought I was attempting to do that level of manipulation, and they were just trying to protect themselves.
Because I constantly feel others emotions, but don’t always understand their origin or reason, AND they are most frequently from the more negative spectrum- I have begun to assume that people are lieing to me, that there’s no love, and that I should distrust everything.
Putting elements like these together has caused me to cut 3 people off which I care very much for. I hurt them accidentally and now I’m afraid of making things worse.
1) Why does all of this unravel in such a way that everything is excruciating and progress is slow, not to mention the painfulness of realizing you have it all wrong and have to start over again and again?
2) I know we’re not here to get it done, or fix anything, but sometimes the solutions are so complex or hard to find that it seems like a never ending goose chase. I wish that some of these belief puzzles were less taxing on my system and easier to solve.
3) I keep “returning to the essence” to forget everything for a bit, but it always wears off. Why doesn’t my stupid brain learn better and let go of all of it in a more prolonged way!
So I love… (Without the fears and hang-ups).
Gifts and money being given to me.
Being appreciated and having people express what they find attractive about me.
Being loved and loving others.
I enjoy being appreciated.
I like knowing my finances continue to gradually improve.
I prefer feeling with understanding. I prefer experiencing that with positive emotions.
I prefer knowing my ability to feel combined with my intelligence is what keeps me safe. I love feeling safe and protected.
I enjoy being held, especially in strength which encourages the feeling of safety.
I love having conversations where I get to learn more about someone I care for.
I love being creative.
I love finding solutions.
I love finding and maintaining peace.
May you figure out your hang-ups easily. May you find your solutions. May people be forgiving of your mistakes. May people be genuine, truthful, honest, and caring when sharing thoughts of you. May you find the believing place where you feel a knowing of their truthfulness. May you find and maintain your peace. May you feel the love. May you find a way to make things right. May you allow your own happiness.
Someone read a post of mine recently-“Damned if you do, damned if you don’t” (stats gave me the post, but readers are anonymous except for country of origin). It was from 2.5 years ago, during a very rough patch when I had just conceived Katherine. Rereading the post myself I realized how much further I have come.
As I’ve said many times before, I’m not perfect, but I am aiming for better. I am reaching for improvement daily. I still don’t understand everything, but I do appreciate that I am, generally speaking, in a much better place.
Last night I felt relief when I was able to christen my home office by treating Nathan to a real massage. I fulfilled a promise made 45 days ago. It was long over due, being his last actual massage was nearly a year ago, and when he finally sat up he thanked me. He said, that’s why your clients love you, you turn them to jello. He never really regained brain function, going to bed about an hour after I finished the massage. I knew I was successful in getting him to really relax.
Today I was fortunate enough to spend some of my usual work day with my kids at the homeschool Valentine’s Day party. It was good fun with lots of sugar, running and screaming. I had given kids allergy medicine before leaving, but I wanted to set a good example. In a nearly 3 hour window I stuck to mostly fruit and had 3 bite size cheesecakes (sans crust). Not perfect, but far from where I have come. I literally had a conversation with myself when the addiction started nagging. I told myself to walk away because even though my mouth loves it, it’s really hard on the rest of my body.
Nathan again was there by my side congratulating me. He reminded me of how many of those functions I completely failed and that several times I only made it 15min. Not only did I nearly make it through, but my cheesecakes were the least addicted item I could have chosen. I literally picked the least detrimental option.
I’m so getting there. One little increment at a time. My body may or may not ever show the changes I’ve made, but I’m proud of my small miracles of accomplishment. I feel so much better every time I have a win like that. I wish that for everyone.
I will keep reaching for my well-being, I will keep calibrating to better. For me MC Yogi has been a lifesaver, especially his track “Ganesha (Sound the Horn)”. I keep replaying several of his tracks to stay buoyant, but one line from that track has become my own mental mantra: “Return into the essence and set yourself free”. It literally lifts my vibration just repeating it over and over in my mind. I am utterly grateful for that.
May you all find your magic mantra. May you all feel moments of personal success. May you all experience the little miracles at work. May you have your moment of known improvement. May you find what you seek and be solution oriented. May you acknowledge your self and express gratitude to yourself when you have the little wins. May you genuinely appreciate yourself and your divine connection.
I’m on a wild goose chase trying to figure things out about myself. There is old programming in my brain that needs rewriting like a computer, and I’m just not certain how to accomplish that.
My intuitive input told me to look at my early childhood as that is where programming started. I just wasn’t sure what I was looking for so I sent my mom an email to ask. I simply asked her what she remembered from when I was about two years old.
This was most of her reply (I cut some unrelated info):
I got you a big baby doll for your 2nd birthday. It was almost as big as you. Dad got fired from his job, I was working at a nursing home, we got into the moble home based on my income only and moved to Randolf acres. I worked overtime so that I could buy you the green turtle sand box. I thought dad was going to kill me. Literally. There were two little girls living across the street. You played with dolls with them and in the sand box. Your oldest brother had been sharing the little bedroom with you. He slept on the top bunk. He left for the Air Force and then you had the room to yourself. Your other two brothers shared the bigger room until the second oldest went to Coast Guard Academy.
I think you were happy. You were healthy at that time.
You were a “Cookie Monster” at two. You would sit in your high chair with your hand up and open and close your hand wanting animal crackers. If I ran out you would drive me crazy till I got more. You were around 3 1/2 when we moved to Indiana.
You used to talk to an imaginary friend but I never knew who it was. I thought it was because I worked nights and your brother was at school, and you were lonesome. You would line up all of your stuffed animals and dolls and play school. You were past two then. More like three to five. You watched Bob Ross and all the other artists on TV and drew and colored pictures. One of your favorites was a lady who did old barns and rural scenes and she always had a cat somewhere in the picture, sometimes hidden in plain site.
Thank you Mom. 💗
After reading her email I saw the pattern of repeat, at least where it started.
I find it interesting that Nathan is unemployed (though his is health related and my dad was career related), and I have spent most of my working the last 8 years in nursing environments. I have also repeated the overtime to make ends meet/provide a few good things for kids, and especially the buying a home on my own. Even things such as kids sharing rooms and a turtle sandbox. I find it interesting that our repeat moving/changing-homes pattern is also similar to the pattern of my childhood.
Although I don’t feel like Nathan is going to kill me, sometimes I feel like the situation and all the hours could. Yet I keep pushing myself, striving to keep reaching for better. Then I have moments where I just wish to throw in the towel and give up. I have enough, I don’t need anything else for this lifetime. Then I acknowledge that my extended chill-out times only get me so far and usually end up in financial strain.
Additionally, somehow reading mom’s comments on being a Cookie Monster, makes the allergen addiction (dairy/grains) less of a pressure knowing it started when I was that young. It’s easier on oneself when trying to break an addiction, if you acknowledge something that’s been happening for 36 years, is not likely to be broken overnight. I will simply keep asking for only things which are good for my body to be present. That is the best way for God to help. If I’m not presented with addictive options then it’s easier to say no. I do still need to reach for some self-control though, or I’ll find myself going to the store to replenish them. That’s the hazard of being an adult with means to do so- yet usually I’m not that person.
And my not-so-imaginary friend. What’s his purpose? That’s at the heart of it all. Why did he leave and come back? Why didn’t he help me figure out solutions to the programming before it became such an ingrained problem? Though I appreciate my mom’s acknowledgement of his existence, it leaves more questions than were answered in those regards.
I’m hoping that eventually I’ll build my dome home and we’ll stay put for the rest of my life. If I ever make it that far, a lot of the other elements will also change. Yet, I’m concerned that since my kids are all in or past the age range of my initial query, that they now have the same programming. That is super frustrating.
Anyway, the bigger picture is that there is indeed detrimental programming in my brain, which is impeding my personal growth. When I contemplate trying to solve that connundrum I keep cycling back to how computers are handled; especially since I’m familiar with several very influentially smart people referencing the human brain as being like a computer.
From my rudimentary knowledge there are options involving both software and hardware.
To me hardware options for the human brain/body would be something like lobotomy, brain damage, or a new body. Plus perhaps options I’m not aware of or don’t feasibly exist. None of those are realistic or desirable to me. Enough said.
However, like Windows 10, sometimes software upgrades are not compatible with existing hardware.
So, I perceive that I need the brain software upgrade that is compatible with my existing hardware but propels me to better function and speed, just like in a computer. Something that allows the positive forward movement in the most efficient way possible. That which creates less distress and frustration because the cogs are spinning. Less hourglass waiting, and more efficiently being productive. Less stuck, and more financial growth. Less hours worked, and more income brought in. More time to play the games like when I was a child playing school or watching painters.
Yet I need this software upgrade in the most efficient way possible as well. In computers you can uninstall and reinstall better functioning software. Or you can simply overwrite software with the upgrade if they are similar enough. I’m honestly not certain how to accomplish either with my brain. Plus, even in computers you often find glitches later where old programming wasn’t completely overwritten and it can hang things up.
I feel like in some ways I did manage to override the old to a certain degree. A house instead of a mobile home. Fewer kids, and the determination to keep it that way. Being more fiscally responsible as the mortgage company put it. Keeping debt low and working with cash mostly, only using credit enough to boost our scores back up. Working primarily as a contractor making my own schedule and earning my own business contracts through my own dependability and skill. Pushing myself to think bigger and reach for better.
But even with these changes, I’m essentially doing the same thing slightly better.
Abraham speaks of some leaps being too large to handle and if you attempt too large of a leap it can cause horrible problems (lottery winners that end up destitute) or death. I definitely don’t want that. But I do want a larger improvement than I have managed thus far.
I want the kind of noticable shift where even people that don’t know me very well notice. Like when your employer upgrades computers when you’re gone and you come back and you’re like “OH, that’s different!”.
I suppose if you’re reading this and know computers well, is there a suggestion? Do you have any hypothesis on how to override old programming in the human brain?
I know the slight adjustments I’ve already made were a combination of pretending when young, and meditation as an adult. I know that’s part of the key, but feel like there’s more to it than that. That there are other pieces to the re-coding of brain software. I just don’t know what they are, and how to maximize their effectiveness.
So, may you all experience a realization of your growth. May you all find easy software upgrades. May you all find the personal growth you seek. May your life improve in all ways. May we all be supported by God and understand the unseen better.
I’m doing a little better today. I took a nap when I got home and then had a good night’s sleep after a healthy dinner of salmon and green beans. I did realize that much of my aches and energetic gunk was people I worked on. I think I seriously need a day in nature to detox from everything I’m collecting from clients, young and old.
I’m just not sure how or when to accommodate that because every day that is conducive to being outside weather wise, I’ve worked or had to work. Last Sunday was the exception and I did spend time outside raking leaves, but it was our back yard, not secluded woods away from people and civilisation. The latter is what helps me detox everybody’s energetic connections and clutter.
Additionally, my magnesium absorption seems to be down despite taking a calcium supplement. I’m not sure why, but I’m definitely getting the classic leg cramps of magnesium deficiency. I told Nathan I may need to switch to a different Mag supplement for a while. Just another puzzle piece to figure out.
This morning I was greeted with several interesting notifications from the great HAL otherwise known as Google/YouTube. There was one in particular that stood out having the color trigger I mentioned a few posts ago: red, black, and white. I’ll share the link below, I liked the song, loved the cinamatography, and the message resonated. I find myself apologizing to myself all the time about not having time, just as the song said “I’m sorry I just can’t waste time.”
Perhaps that is my biggest fallacy, but every time I do waste time in the name of finding joy or comfort for myself it ends up biting me in the arse in other ways. Usually because very important, time sensitive things get forgotten by others. Everyone relies on me. It just is I suppose, another challenge to add to my list.
“You were not born to get it done.”
“You were not born to fix the world or anyone else for that matter.”
‘There will always be desire, something to reach for, improvement to seek.”
– Abraham Hicks quotes
Anyway, perhaps you’ll like the song.
Since I’m working so hard to find some energetic lift, some improvement, I thought I would take a moment (more for myself to visualize everything, than for you as reader) to list good things about myself. I’m that person that is very critical of myself and often need to focus to remind myself there’s anything good there.
I’m a spectacular massage therapist.
I’m a decent construction worker/handy woman. Anya commented after carpet laying: “Is there anything you can’t do?”
I’m a mediocre psychic, but intensely accurate empath. (I feel all the emotions and body aches, but don’t always know/understand their existence, why someone feels the way they do. I miss the fine details.)
I’m a decent flautist and pianist, and mediocre at another 9 instruments.
I’m a good artist.
I’m an okay gardener.
I’m a great organizer, and housekeeper/maid.
I’m a good business woman, and dependable contractor.
I’m a great low budget interior designer (our home will look like I paid big bucks for someone to customize it, but everything was thrifted at a fraction of retail costs).
I’m a decent painter (house type) and excellent painter (art type).
I’m stronger and smarter than your average bear. (Thanks Yogi)
I care, about everyone, often more than they do about me.
I have ethics. (That has manifested several times in recent years where I removed myself because someone would have cheated on a monogamous spouse/partner. Polyamory is about open consent, not cheating.) (Also applies to client relationships, I’ll never break board ethics just because I find someone attractive- though every great once in a while I’m very tempted.)
I’m a great driver having literally millions of miles under my belt combining professional and personal miles.
I’m an okay auto mechanic having replaced: fuel filters, radiators, electronics, spark plugs, water pumps, and headlamp casings. Even having changed tires and done oil changes regularly. The only things that get me are belts (I usually get frustrated and give up on those) and anything needing an engine or whole car lift- if I don’t have the proper tools I can’t do it.
I’m doing okay on self-help/self-improvement as well. I haven’t eliminated depression or my temper, but I have much greater control than when I left my parent’s home. Even when I do loose control, I have a much much shorter refractory period to regaining sanity.
That’s a good list for this post. I need to categorize posts like this so it’s easier to go back and reference them when I need a boost. … I’ll add it to the bottom of my to-do list.
May you all have interestingly helpful notifications. May you all find rest and rejuvenation. May you have time in nature when you need it. May you feel better through fixing puzzle pieces. May you have ease and comfort in your experience. May you find the good in yourself. And may we all find ways to improve ourselves and our experience.
So I have come to a place of resignation. My humanly efforts will likely never get me to my great grand dreams of Atira. So I’m letting them remain dreams while I work with the here and now in front of me. Assuming they will always be dreams, and were never actually intended to come true, somehow takes the sting out of their feeling so far out of reach.
Anyway, I put a lot of time on my grand dome home design last night, and some more today. I used it as a distraction from a hiccup in the mortgage process for our good enough home. ( I’ll post images of the dome designs last.)
Essentially, even though I single-handedly supported and kept my family with a roof over their heads for the last decade, it came down to needing a cosigner. I make enough for the loan amount we requested, but because I took a “real job” for most of the last 2.5 years it affected my self-employment income levels. They can’t count the job because I’m no longer full time there, but they can’t count previous tax returns for the same reason. It came down to 3 options.
1. Fully audited profit and loss costing 10 grand and taking 30 days, but which would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I made as much as I say I did.
2. Start over with another mortgage company and risk losing our choice house because the seller might not agree to time extension.
3. Scramble to find and file paperwork for a cosigner, and cross fingers we make it through completely by Thursday this week.
Nathan’s dad agreed to facilitate the third long enough to enable doing a refinance ASAP later.
Which, by the way, I will not use the mortgage company we chose at the start of this process. I was livid that this current company didn’t catch this hiccup right away. I would not have paid for the inspection and thus not have gotten attached to buying a home until after this year’s taxes had been filed, and then could be counted without using a costly time consuming process.
As it is, I spent 2 days doing everything I would for my taxes for them to say they really needed the audit. Then I oscillated between livid angry shakes and wanting to cry because all my efforts still don’t matter to anyone else. I screamed a few times when alone, and ranted at the mortgage broker twice over the phone for her fuck-up.
At this point we’re half packed and I have already set plans in motion for the logistics of the move and post move. Not to mention having taken 4 days off of work when holidays are already eating 2.5 days. So, I find myself convincing my brain that it will work out, and we’ll move on-time for a Happy Yule and Merry Christmas. When that slips, I switch to a pleasant distraction or meditation, and occasional pacing.
I am determined that not only am I getting this home on time, I will also have it paid for in full in 5 years or less. On my own.
There is an element of wishing I had my other person, my significant-other. As much as I feel good about eventually finding the “HA I did it myself!”- especially knowing I do always get to see that light; there is another much larger part wishing I didn’t have to work so hard to prove my deserving-ness to others. Like really, if the damned mortgage broker had paid attention, this process could have waited 5 months and been much smoother on me. Yet, if there was a significant-other that was part of the family, then the cosigner would have been an original intention with extra legal protections for that person, not a last minute back-up plan. There are just so many ways this could have gone better and easier, but alas I have no significant-other life-partner at this time, AND I got the crappy mortgage broker that is only used to dealing with people that have “good jobs”. RAWR!
Anyways, rant aside, my distractions have been worthwhile. There is the poly-family dome-home designs for Atira. There have been wrap-ups of shirt designs for other people. There was holiday gifting and cards to write, and brainstorming a white elephant gift for an upcoming parent holiday party. Additionally, there was quite a bit of time invested in reading books, working with the stock market, and playing Magic Cards with my friend and people he knows.
I have to say that the card games were a blast. I finally felt reacquainted with the game enough, that I ventured out to play at the store with a full group. We did the new Commander Style, and it was great fun, especially since I was getting to test out a brand new to me deck that was a gift. I played 4 rounds, I think, though my brain was mush by half way through the last round. One round there were 5 players at the table and it was a lot to keep up with. Luckily I was not the only one in the “newbie” category, so they went gentle on me. I still died every time, as I’m not up to speed enough to win one yet.
The funniest moment to me was sitting at a table full of people my age and the one teenager looked just like one of the kids in the home-school group. I knew it wasn’t the same kid by name, but it was uncanny how similar they were. I appreciated that the players which I knew were very skilled and good at strategy, were kind to the teenager and the even the two of us older but currently inexperienced players. What was also funny was all of us older players reminiscing of back in the day when we played using certain cards. At one point someone played a card that was “Llanowar Rebirthed”, and I found myself saying I remembered playing a green deck that had Llanowars (not re-birthed) in it. That stirred a whole conversation on old cards. It was good fun. I had a really great time, and look forward to another day like that… Hopefully my schedule will allow for it sooner than later.
Finally I really wanted to check in on my progress with weight-loss and my health in general. I know that I have had lots of positive comments lately, but with the holiday season and my known food fails, I haven’t been able to see my progress myself. I still feel like I’m just treading water. So, I had Nathan pull some really old pictures.
First were my High-school Senior Portraits, done by a highly respected local lady in 2001. I know I weighed 280 pounds.
The following are from 2010 to 2012, before I started my health journey, my peak I weighed 300 pounds ( I quit weighing myself at 295, and I know I exceeded that for quite some time.) All of these pictures were taken by Nathan, some in professional mode, some in family mode.
The next 3 were from 2013, as I was beginning my health journey, and just before I had lost enough weight to conceive Ian. They were taken about a month after our trip to Cleveland by train where another passenger told me about Iodine and Borderline Thyroid conditions. That had led to the beginning of loosing weight, and was I definitely beginning to feel better.
Finally, these are current. Top left (red velvet shirt) being from right now.
I can kind of see the changes, but I have to really look at the pictures from a shapes and contour perspective to see the differences. I wish I could tell better. I suppose I will never be the size 6-8 person that we’re all supposed to be able to maintain. Perhaps that is like my dream of Atira.
Anyway, I am really attempting to see the positives, and it seems that I am having to stretch quite a bit to do so, so I’ll leave you with links and Images of Atira. I will eventually get my dome designs finished and 3-D models rendered. Considering this is a sideline for fun, I’ve gotten quite a ways in my very rare spare time.
Finally for those designs in progress: I haven’t touched the first floor at all yet, so I will put up the rest. What you can’t see here are all the guides and rulers and grids that I have used to align everything and make sure proportions are accurate. The jpg for the crows nest looks massive in comparison, but it is merely an export output result, it is very much the appropriate size in the CorelDRAW file.
May you all see your good. May you be aware of your progress. May you have an easy time conveying your strengths and deserving-ness. May others appreciate you and may your life improve incrementally in noticeable ways. May you see the good in everyone and feel the love. May you have dreams that are more reachable, and may you have solutions for your here and now. May you always feel the knowing that everything is okay and you will get through. May your tough times be short lived and well rewarded.