Tag Archives: heal yourself

2 was too much.

I should not have had children. I can’t handle the ones I have. I can’t be a responsible parent because it’s killing me. The stress, the worries, but most of all the knowing that I have passed on the traits I tried so hard to stop. I have perpetuated the damage that my parents wrought on me, especially that of my father. I was not able to stop it and I’m watching my children repeat those bad behaviors. Plus I even passed on the resulting disease. Everything I do only seems to make it worse instead of better. I can’t fix this and I wish I’d never caused it to begin with. I should never have had children. I’m sorry, please forgive me. The universe only made it very difficult to bear children, it didn’t eliminate the possibility. I should have given up before I even started. If I had let myself completely go I’d already be dead and there would have never been a child to begin with. I think that was my biggest mistake, trying to fix something that wasn’t worth the effort. I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you. Can I go home now? No more battles, no more striving, no more trying, just peace.


These are the deep dark thoughts of my brain that I do my best to ignore. They eat at me anyway. Bonus I know my father thinks them. You see when I get on the wavelength of these thoughts I even start to take him on. Right now my left foot is swollen and I just had a moment where I felt like I was stuck in his failing body. I lost it on my whiney children because of the 3D reality in front of me, but I felt like I was standing looking at my adult sister. I feel exhausted and just want to sleep and never wake up. My brain is trying to calculate the easiest way to ensure that. I had the realization I should have never lived to begin with, and I can’t take back the love I have for my children, but I felt distinctly like they didn’t give a shit about my existence.

See I don’t have to call my father, because every single negative trigger in my universe takes me front and center to his psyche and his current existence. It literally kills me a little every time it happens, and I use every bit of my being to stay away from it as much as possible.

My real, sane, prayer is that it ends very soon. I can and will heal if it ends. I also pray that the divine fixes what I can’t. My beautiful children deserve the same healing and the same disease to stop. I do love them, I don’t wish any of this negative toxicity on them, but they have already been poisoned. I beg the divine to fix what I can’t. For their sake, for their children’s sake, for the world’s sake.

May you never know the agony of living like this. May you never fight tooth and nail to fix generations old damage. May you never be faced with an invisible force that you are powerless to stop. May you never wish death upon yourself. May you find a way to gain control of what is normally under your will. May you find a way to safely manage those horribly damaging things that aren’t. May we all get through these times and clear the other side safely. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

And Another

Masculine
As woman
Playing the man
For feminine
As man

Wonders
Ponders
What lIfe
Might be like
In roles
Different

What if
Masculine
As woman
Played man
For a real
Woman

What if
Masculine
Could be
Released
To simply
Be
Woman
With
Man

What if
Masculine
Was released
To just be
Woman
Regardless
Of
Biological
Or
Psychological
Gender
Or
Identity

Or what if
Any
Or all
Of them
Let be
Masculine
And/or feminine
As the moment fit
Yet supported
Fully
Regardless
Of physical structure
Genetic or
Psychological
Societal
Labels

What if
All
Were possible
Simultaneously
Abundantly
Amorous

One can
Imagine
One can
Dream

One only
Needs
Go
Within

All things
Possible
In the
Mind's
Eye

Perhaps
That alone
Is all
Needed
For a slice
Of heaven

Perhaps
Letting go
Is simply
Realizing
It's all
Inside
Anyway

The outer
Rarely
Needs
Change
For the inner
To feel
Better

~ Treasa Cailleach

May you understand your role. May you see where you fit. May you enjoy your imagination regardless as to it’s manifestation in your world. May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Suga’ Breathe… That’s for me.

Still working on pulling up. Had some thoughts of the progress sort, and wanted to share them. I’m feeling like poems fit the bill.

The first poem is building on the meditation concept from yesterday, where the in breath was “I am greater than my body” and out breath was “I am greater than my mind”. Each line of the poem is intended as one breath in or out.

The second poem was a result of contemplating my stress induced unhelpful food choices of late, and how to correct.

In between is a very applicable song, and one that helps me a lot.

The title picture for the post is me wearing a 2X shirt. It was a free marketing ‘gift’. I used to completely fill shirts that size once upon a time. Now I feel like I’m wearing a tent. It was a moment of appreciation of my progress and a helpful distraction.

Breathe:Know
(A meditation in poetry)

In: I am
Out: me

I Am
Here
I am
Present
I am
Connected.

I am
Energy
I am
Light
The Fire
That fuels
My
Being,
Inspires
Life.

I am
Matter
I am
Atoms
And
Nuclei,
That which
Grounds
My body
In Now.

I am
Water
Flowing
Through
Veins
Carrying
Oxygen
And nutrients,
Flowing
In and out
Cells' walls.

I am
Air,
Breath
Filling
Lungs,
Inspiration
In action,
Stirring
Processes
To solutions.

I am
Whole
I am
Me
I am
Greater
Than what
Is seen
I am
Divine
In flesh.

I am
Where
Above
Meets
Below,
Sky
Meets
Land,
Spirit
Meets
Flesh,
In between,
The cusp of
The veil,
The brim of
The vortex.

I am
Beautiful
I am
Love,
Venus'
Soul
As
Woman,
Creative
Power
Is mine.

I am
Strong
I am
Capable
I do
More
I reach
For
Greater.

I am
Better
I am
Well,
I heal
Inside
And out,
Top to
Bottom,
Front to
Back,
Left, Right,
And everything
In between.

I am
Me
Growing
Doing
Being
Improving
Healing
Moving
All
I am

~ Treasa Cailleach

See the Suga'

Chocolates, peanut butter cups
Rice, pastas, breads
Peaches, apples, berries galore
All sweetness
Craved
By taste buds.

A symptom of
Imbalance.
Cravings,
A desire to
Restore balance.
Cravings stir
Addictions
When efforts
Become futile
Cycles.

The imbalance
Too much bitter
Outside self.
The body knows
There must be sweetness
Somewhere.
The craving starts.
A void of sweetness
No food can fill.
If one uses food
Addiction is certain
Endless cycles
Of unfulfilled
Cravings

Real solutions
Are to see the
Sweetness
Everywhere
Possible

If bitterness
Fills experience
Then sweetness
Must rise to
Balance
Bitter experience
If sweet fills diet
Then bitter
Must rise to
Balance
Sweet diet

Yin
Balances
Yang
Or eventually
Excess
Manifests
Deficiency
Natural cycles
Will always
Work towards
Correcting
Restoring
Balance

See the Suga'
Taste the bitter
Right wrongs
Fill voids
Properly
Restore
Balance
Of Self

~ Treasa Cailleach

One last tidbit: Be kind to yourself. Knowing concepts, and being able to navigate their use in times of crisis, are two very different and separate things. Often we know what to do, but have difficulty accomplishing those things when life erupts. Forgive yourself for your lapses and allow others to help when you fail. Hopefully we all have someone willing to help when we fail. We all need someone sometimes.

May you see your improvement. May you find your inner self easily. May you have enough energy, time, and resources for anything you need or desire to do. May you feel better easily and maintain it mostly. May you find your balance and honor and respect yourself. May you find all the ways to see the sweetness and give yourself some much needed love. May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti