Tag Archives: heal yourself

The hardest love of all:

Is to love yourself.

I was thinking about my dad, and those few that don’t want me. I was finding the place of why unconditional love is important. I can not erase that any of them left their mark on my life or my heart. I can not undo the hurts left behind, and acknowledge that my perspective on everything was a large part of why I did get hurt. The frequent emotional and infrequent physical abuse of my father was because he didn’t know any better. He never learned better ways to handle things and no one ever taught him how to control himself. He was taught to rule with an iron fist and had no reason to do anything else. From his perspective he was teaching me valuable lessons. Decades later I have learned valuable lessons, but not the ones he intended.

If you can love the difficult ones to love, then everything else gets easier.

I accept that my father is who he is. He still helped bring me into this world and many of his actions helped me to make it through to adulthood. Even more, some of his better traits have helped me to be successful.

If I hold myself in anger or resentment for the negatives of my childhood I will wipe out and eliminate all of the good things from the same time period. “What fires together wires together.” (“What the bleep do we know” movie) If you practice a thought pattern it makes it harder and harder to reach thoughts that are different. Focusing on the negatives and hurts would make it harder and harder to reach any thoughts of love. That in turn would cause hurt for myself because I was focusing on the worst instead of the best, and creating more of the resulting negative chemical storm in my body.

Up until about 5 years ago I had a mix of thoughts and emotions, which leaned very negative. It was a large reason I battled depression so heavily. My brain had already wired itself to lean more negatively, and had done significant damage to my entire body.

As much as I have every right to carry anger, resentment, hate, even rage over my father and other hurtful situations, I have gotten to a place where it simply isn’t worth it. I respect myself enough to want health and healing, and all of those negatives hold me apart from that. Even past relationships that left me sad or disappointed are a hindrance to the healing I seek.

Over the last five years, thanks to a failed intense personal connection and a book from a therapist, I have slowly begun to shift my mix of thoughts to the more positive spectrum. I’m not perfect and I still very much have a mix. But my mix has crossed from originally imbalanced negative, to 50/50, to now I am imbalanced positively (a very good thing). To me that is a huge relief in my knowing. I am doing so much better than I was.

I am beginning to understand what it means to love myself. It is hard though.

My brain still wants to suck me back to negativity and depression, I have to work at focusing on better thoughts. It is not effortless, just not physically measurable. Most days I win the battle. Sometimes it is very challenging to just come out with the even split.

Then there are moments like the one that triggered this post.

I was trying to translate blog posts of another writer that had come across my blog. I was using Google translate fairly successfully. The second post I attempted to translate went haywire over halfway through. I believe that somehow the data was manipulated. There is the possibility my device has been hacked, I’ve considered that several times over. However, these moments are not in a trackable pattern, they don’t happen consistently. The sporadic nature of these moments leads me to believe the it is somehow caused by energetic or divine intervention. Anyway, essentially the translate function was working great and then 3 paragraphs were translated into 3 phrases which repeated. The one that stuck in my cogs was along the lines of: “it’s not that I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you”. Both of the other instances were the same glitch but different phrases, one about women and one about choices.

I instantly reacted in a particular negative way instantly wanting to connect it to the failed hopeful of a couple years ago that I had gotten so attached to. Then I caught myself and stepped back.

It’s not worth it.

So what they didn’t see me as valuable. So what they didn’t find love for me. So what that they left me hanging without the decency of an explanation or the truth of the things I knew they were hiding. So what they ghosted me and chickened out. So what they couldn’t even tell me to go Eff off. So what they came and went so many times I felt like I was being effed with.

Those are not truly my problems, they are theirs. Mine problem is mostly perspective and alignment. I used that moment of thought to realign.

I will still send my love because I felt them and God only encourages that for me when it is important. I often don’t understand why, but eventually it always becomes clear. I will still love the moments that brought joy. I will still love the good conversations. I will still love that we shared goals, hopes, and dreams. I will still love that despite all the mistakes we both made, there was an element of genuine connection. I will still love the idea of the possibilities which that relationship stirred. I will still love the person on the other end of that energetic cord because they did touch my life and leave me wanting more. I will still love them because I know whether they ever tell me or not, they learned a lot in our interaction. I will love them because their soul felt good and brought me joy when I really needed it. I will still love them because now we both want better endings. I will still love them because everything that happened helped me to focus and become a better person. I will still love them because they are a human trying to get through this difficult thing we call life.

Sadness and disappointment happen, lies and mistakes happen; but it’s all of the reasons to love and keep loving that make the world a better place. It’s the love that heals us and moves us into better places throughout our lives. I would rather have the love, the healing, the relief, and I have finally found a place where with a little mental effort I can usually flip to the positive end of the spectrum. That is priceless and I am eternally grateful.

May you see all the negatives in your life in the best possible way. May you learn to love even the difficult ones to love. May you see that love for others is a way to show yourself love. May you love and respect yourself enough to focus on the positives. May you find the loving relationships you seek. May you find your healing and the health you seek. May you embrace the hardest love of all, that of loving yourself wholley and completely. May you know that God loves you and supports you completely.

Siva Hir Su

Lessons of unconditional

I woke this morning, having gotten to sleep in a little, and found my husband’s hand. I held his hand, still sleeping heavily he didn’t notice tears start to fall. They were tears of mixed emotions, both happy and sad.

I love my husband very much, and his greatest failure was that he loved deeply and had his heart hurt. The tears were because I was feeling the love for him and wanting to heal the hurts we both carry.

He loved several times over, and each one ended with him being in sorrow, because relationships ended in unpleasant ways. His already hurt heart, became broken when the mother of his first child left him and took their baby. The ensuing divorce and years of traveling just to see his little girl turned heartbreak into a damaged vessel. His physical heart bore the weight of the trauma in now physical ways.

When we married I tired to help him find healing, but western medicine and “disability” only seemed to make matters worse, especially financially. Yet they did keep him alive to keep trying and maybe find healing. I had hoped when his ex passed away from cancer, that full custody would help heal his wounds. It seemed to help, but his heart turned to focus on his inability to support.

Subsequent children were similar. Reasons to love and live, but more reasons to doubt himself and his abilities and role.

Now we both are seeing our own flaws and doing our best to heal internal emotional wounds. We have hope. God seems to be trying to guide us to real healing. We keep seeing how we are hindering ourselves and allowing ourselves to continue to carry hurts. Because of inspired interactions, following the rabbit hole, we are gaining understanding.

For me, I see his journey and its connection to my health concerns. I know they are linked, even more than appears on the surface. I know that I feel like I let him down further: I bore children for him out of love, and even though I didn’t leave; each pregnancy broke me emotionally, taxed my system too much, and caused similar traumas. Additionally, I want to love like he has, but I’m afraid of getting hurt. I want to experience polyamory in it’s fullness, but I’m afraid that I will lose sight of the unconditional aspect and allow myself further hurts. Our previous failed relationships have already hurt enough, I’m afraid to really allow what I want to arrive. I let doubt and fear and frustration over my own failures cloud the path to better. The fears obscure my solutions.

It is layers upon layers and I unravel one layer to have another appear. Ultimately I just want that full healing solution for us both.

I know part of that is I need to SEE us both healed.

I want to see him like when he was younger. Virile, strong, slender, passionate and healthy in many ways. He worked hard and did his best, but still had fun. That was the man I fell for, the one before the heartache, before his wife and girlfriend left.

At the same time I want to see myself as I’ve never been. Healthy, completely well, slender and strong. I want my skin to shrink, especially where I’ve lost weight, and be just like the firm beautiful skin that I have on my arms and back. The thoughts of those elements feels good, but I’m having trouble seeing it as a whole me.

I explained to Nathan and another friend, that I have two distinctly different mental images. In my mind I see the fat woman I have been for so long, since I was about 13. Then there is that mental image of Shiva. Slender, strong, but most definitely a man. That divine image/energy has helped me through many difficulties and helped me be strong when I thought I couldn’t. It helped me support a family on my own, and find masculine energy when it was needed. Yet it isn’t the slender woman I want to be. So I have this strange dichotomy. Two drastically different images, one doesn’t match my gender and the other doesn’t match my very slowly shrinking body.

Pile on top of that a sense I’ve had for decades that the real me is trapped inside this heavy body. I sometimes have a sense of tunnel vision like wearing a huge stuffed costum.

How does one see their loved one in the best light when there is a decade of less than desired memories? How does one see oneself as a slender very healthy looking woman when there are 3 decades of the opposite and two drastically different mental images?

I know it is a lesson of unconditional. Abraham has been doing their best to guide me and remind me frequently. I know I feel my vortex often and I want to allow the things I know are there. Again I find myself in the catch of not being a monk, someone with nothing but time to meditate.

I know there are loving partners in my vortex. I know at least one or two people of my previous energetic connections are likely to circle back around, either as their original selves or a God given substitute. I know that it is possible for both Nathan and I to find our ideal wholely healed selves. I know it is possible for us both to look and feel good. I know that we can have our both moments and all the things we desire.

It is my responsibility to find my unconditional loving self more frequently and find a way to SEE all of it. That alone is what is needed to allow all of my desires. I know I have done it before, and I know I can do it with this too. It may just take more practice on these subjects. I’m willing to give it my best, and I hope the divine will continue to help me reach for these things. I do look forward to figuring it out and seeing the manifestations match my thought forms. Hopefully I will master these elements more quickly than previously manifested aspects.

May you find a way to your unconditional self. May you love your potential and your already manifested progress. May you find a way to SEE what has previously been difficult. May you know you are in the right track. May you have the ability to focus only on the positives. May you enjoy life more than not. May you sense your vortex mostly and be unbothered by “reality”. My you understand bending reality and see there is no spoon. May you know God is doing their best to help you with all of it.

Siva Hir Su

Marketing Hate

My conclusion today is that there is nothing I can do to help those that fell for the marketing. The news outlets (those 6 big companies of the world) have not just created fear of a disease, they have made lots of money off of the marketing of hate.

If we were talking about any other subject, a person’s perseverance and accomplishment would be rewarded with accolades and congratulations. Yet today we stand with a society so divided in politics and everything that can even remotely be related, that it even affects our mental processing of disease. Because of that, most are punishing those that have suceeded in health, instead of congratulating them.

It wasn’t good enough to get everyone scared out of their minds over yet another disease to afflict humanity. We had to take things one step further and create an environment of hate over it. It makes me sad.

The acupuncturist was kind enough to let me try an alternate disposable, we’ll soon see if I react to it or not (the last disposable caused hives in a few hours).

I now wear masks more often, not out of fear of diease nor out of any sense of duty. No merely because those that fell for the fear and hate marketing want to make sure you know it. I am more concerned about fear haters trying to ruin businesses than any other aspect of this disease.

I’m not so petrified that I cower in a corner. I continue doing my best to bring the light and quietly wear my mask and send prayers that people come to their senses.

This country I live in, prepared for the bubonic plague in the most haphazard and careless way, yet we got a new version of the flu. What’s most rediculous is that the bubonic plague still exists and occasionally rears its ugly head, yet we never react to it in this way.

We will never solve disease as long as we have hate, fear, anger, frustration, or any one other the many other negative emotions and beliefs that cause dis-ease. Being that those emotions are inevitable in the human emotional cycle, and many of the beliefs seem to be nearly as inevitable, it would likely be impossible to eliminate disease. All of humanity would have to learn to be Jesus or Buddha or Quan Yin. We would all have to find our wholly ascended states to eliminate disease. That is highly unlikely.

Yet there are so many that fell for the marketing of this disease, that they have likely caused a collective attraction point for another more severe disease. I sincerely hope that those of us doing our best to bring the light have tipped the scales away from that.

Regardless, I know that I have been on a continual path of improving my health, and will continue as such. I am certain that I am healing my body of chronic mild internal diseases, and in turn making it even easier for me to overcome acute external diseases like the flu and covid. I am starting to see the signs myself and it makes me feel even better.

I have worked hard at improving and maintaining my health, and I simply can’t let those living in fear and hate bring my confidence down. I have worked so long and hard to see my results and I deserve every moment of sensing accomplishment.

So, I quietly know that I am doing well enough to not worry. I gently state through masked face that I’m not concerned about getting sick when someone says something about their mask and whether they should do this or that. I educate when someone is open to it, and have a good laugh when someone is in my ‘boat’ of knowing floating down our enjoyable stream.

I wish I could soothe fears and educate the misguided, but realize that it is not my place. I can not fix that which is too far outside of my vibration and caused by entities out of my control. I can merely do my best to relax them physically and hope that they find a moment of peace that might help their broader vibration rise a bit. Perhaps in turn that will be enough that they sense how misguided they are.

For now, I am grateful that I am overcoming limitations learned from my parents in early childhood. I am grateful I am really allowing healing for myself. I am grateful that my body is beginning to show the healing. I am grateful that I made it though everyone else’s crazy relatively unscathed. I am so very grateful that I understand dis-ease and disease on multiple levels and have the ability to avert both easily. I am ever so grateful for my connection to my higher self and God-force that keeps everything going and aiming for better and better vibrations and alignment.

May you know your ability to find health and healing. May you feel good in your accomplishments of it. May you be confident in your knowing. May you find peace and let your light shine to help balance humanity towards health and ease. May you sense your connection in the most helpful ways. May you see your ability to help others relax and find ease. May you know you are protected by the Divine. “May the force be with you.” May you know you are supported and loved. May you love yourself.

Siva Hir Su