Help fix it because you can Because you care You're there and aware
Help Fix It Because it needs fixed It's so wrong it needs Righted Damaged never becomes Whole on it's own
Abuse begets more Abuse Hatred More the same Anger, frustration, You name it All lead to More of the same
Give power back To those you took from Take your own Where it was taken All without Laying a single finger
What's yours is Yours Make right the wrongs
Because it affects All It's your karma That trickles to Everyone you have EVER Touched, seen, heard Kissed, fed, hugged
It infected us all Your dis-ease Your mis-deeds Your malice Your hate
It is your choice Your chance To make amends Without ever Speaking
Let go Of every bother Of every worry Of every trigger
Let go of Mine, yours Ours is broken If karma is not healed
Just reach for love Any and every way you can Appreciate with Awe and wonder See the best in Everything and everyone Savour Every moment
Just breathe Knowing that simple Act Is fixing it. All will be well In a moment
Fix it Because you wanted to It's why you are Here
~ Treasa Cailleach
I signed this as mine because I chose the format and most of the words. But I know deep in my core that this is a message far bigger than me. God and Goddess were felt strongly, and my device argued some of my word choices almost preventing typing until adjustments were made. I know I was guided in this message.
May it help you, as much or more, as it helps me. May you feel guidance in your life as strongly as I do. May you let go and let God heal. May you feel God’s love always. May you know you are loved and supported in all ways.
The picture is the weather today here in KC, despite that, I’m still a full days work at the clinic, so I squoze in what I could with this post. Once I clear my own karma, I’ll likely be able to write more again. Crossing fingers. Prayers always welcome.
I’m mulling over my decisions this week, somewhat agonizing over my choices.
The one that started it was my decision to deal with a dead tree and insects threatening my home. I could have not done that, and gotten Nathan and I both, the IV treatments. But doing the tree means one of us has to sit and wait longer. I chose myself to wait.
My reasoning was complex. First, I really value my own health, and really, really want to heal all the way. If you don’t have your health, then you don’t have much. Plus, the rule used in airline safety definitely applies elsewhere: “Take care of yourself first, so you can stay alive to help others/children.” It’s super important to be able to stay alive and be helpful to others, it’s our duty in living all of life in it’s entirety, not just for emergencies. It is how we give love back to the divine.
Yet at the same time, I know I have worked like crazy on my health. I may not have healed fully, but I have shown some improvement. My face/skin is consistently clear, I have fewer allergy symptoms across the board, and my body is fitting well in smaller clothes now. It may not be congratulations worthy, but my improvement tells me that I am already headed towards healing, and waiting longer for a treatment isn’t going to kill me. It’s merely annoying and frustrating.
I’m more upset that I can’t manage the whole family being treated all at once. I’m concerned that if I only do part of the family, then there is risk of reinfection/repopulating the virus(es). I may get one or two of us better and it not last long enough to get the rest of us better. In which case treatment was a waste of money, which is still unfortunately scarce in my world- I just wish money were more abundant for me/us.
But my home is also really, really important. It keeps, not just me safe, it keeps a whole family of 5 people safe. It is the refuge for my husband and kids. It keeps all our pets safe too. It is where we share meals and entertainment and LOVE. I have worked so damn hard just to get a truly safe home, that the idea of anything harming that, feels like a personal attack. I know it’s not, but I simply am not okay with going backwards because I didn’t pay for a tree to get cut down.
So I definitely leaned towards tree first and then maybe a treatment.
Yet, then I was literally on the fence about whether or not to treat Nathan or sit on what was left until there was more to add to it. I really would prefer to do the whole family at once, it’s safer and more reliable that way. We would be more likely to have long-term positive results for all of us.
Besides, there is no one of us that is more deserving than another. We are all doing our best. I was infected as a child, I was just being a kid, I never deserved the damage it did, or the decades of heartache, misdiagnosis, and problems. And I was already doing my best to get better when my kids caught it. They had no say, no decision in that, they didn’t deserve it any more than I did. And Nathan, I may have given it to him not long after I met him, regardless he definitely has it now, and I didn’t want to give him anything bad. I love him and have since I met him. I want good things for him, and have spent 11 years doing my best to help him get healthier too. We’ve done everything that came our way, we’ve changed diets and exercised and taken gaggles of supplements, vitamins and minerals. We’ve even gradually gotten better at managing stress in our lives and meditating. None of us deserves more than another, and none of us deserved to catch the damn virus. But, Nathan is not doing well, he is the farthest from health. The rest of us have a fighting chance all on our own, and he’s just trying not to drown already.
I really am worried about him, and I know worry doesn’t help, so I’m doing my best not to think about it. It’s just so damn difficult when, you are told that the only person in your adult life to show true unconditional love, is doing worse health-wise, and it is likely because of a virus or two that you gave them.
I caught Epstein-Barr as a kid, but I caught mystery-virus (aka covid) at work. I brought them both to my family, and I was just trying to be a good girl and do what I was supposed to do. I was trying to help them by doing my job to pay bills, by being a good mom and wife. I just wanted to take care of my family and doing it alone was really hard. I don’t know how to live with that, and I don’t know how to fix it other than try the damned iv treatment.
So, Nathan is going to get treated first to hopefully fix his journey as much as possible and maybe pull him out of the nosedive. The rest of us will happen when it happens, and I’ll keep doing what I’m doing to glean even baby steps of progress for the rest of us.
I just don’t know how to make anything else happen. This I can do. I had really hoped god would help, but after 11 years of doing my best, and to get told the things I heard the last two weeks, it’s pretty obvious it’s not likely.
I’m grateful for the clinic and the help and support I have gotten there and from all my co-staff. It is helping me keep my shreds of sanity. I am grateful that I can work with quiet stillness to help me focus on positives.
I’m grateful that I know how to reach for better and reach for solutions. I’m grateful for my meditation time. I am grateful that I have solved vast portions of my puzzle and that I at least have a worthy goal.
I wish I could do both the tree and all of us getting treatment. I wish the damned viruses hadn’t even affected us to begin with, or that they barely touched us. I wish we were all healthy again and the tree was already solved. I wish I had the loving supportive poly/extended family I have long desired. I wish my life and my efforts mattered to God. I wish my prayers mattered. I wish that I was good enough…
I keep trying and I’ll keep pulling up. “I’m not dead yet!” -Monty Python
There’s always a next step, there’s always something else to do or be done. There’s always the next best possibility, the next best thing. Maybe cannabis-based products will be that answer when I finally have legal access to them, they have healed seizures for little kids, what’s virus damage compared to that?!
There are other topics that came to mind when I chose to write this post (poly-family, my sexuality, desires for love/lovers, etc.), but I think you get the idea with just this one moment.
I seldom glaze over anything, and nearly always over-think everything, wanting the best outcome possible. My heart is often aching to be able to solve a both situation, because I rarely am 100% comfortable with my choice. If I could rewrite my worldview, I would eliminate scarcity and replace it with genuine abundance in all areas. That is usually the mechanism behind my agony and feeling like I must choose something other than both. I want both more often.
May you see the mechanisms hindering your progress. May you understand that there are always reasons for wanting both. May you understand that if you want both it is because both genuinely have meaning for you, sometimes even more than you realize. May you find ways to accommodate both no matter what the situation. May you release worry and find ways to reach for better. May you know you are loved and supported, and God is trying to help, but we’re the ones in our own way. May you see evidence of that love and support all around you.
Cover photo is from our walk yesterday evening. Below you’ll find pictures from my walk at lunch today, and last night.
A one hour gap led to my 2nd round of exercise for the day. I started early, with 35min of elliptical before work. Now I walk the park near work. Sunshine and 73° a stark contrast to the subzero temps of the week of my birthday, just 2 weeks ago.
This round I’m not listening to music, no I much prefer the sounds of birds chirping and singing. I would sing myself were it not likely to bother others.
I happily wear my scarf as a shawl, just enough coverage to adjust to the light breeze today. I’m so happy to be without a coat.
Today I have been kicking energetic butt.
I do not need a negative skunk of a divine masculine in any form. The divine masculine of this world has not stopped power, greed, or manipulation of the masses. DM has not produced actual healing for many diseases, and especially considering vaccines have not solved many detrimental diseases. Vaccines pretend to help only those never exposed to begin with, and only for certain chosen diseases, but their toxic chemicals do other damage in the process. And toxic chemicals are everywhere anyway, the DM has not stopped corporate greed ruining our food supply with any one of dozens of toxins.
No, I don’t give one shit about the divine masculine in human form or otherwise, because no form it is taking is doing any good for anyone, and there have been no miracles from God in large scale way.
Divine healing looks like miracles. It looks like safe foods and our bodies functioning properly, without more toxic ‘interventions’.
Divine healing is like this sunny day, living life the way it was intended, out in the open with smiles on faces. Divine healing is joy and enjoyment of many activities. Divine healing is businesses functioning and flourishing because they are genuinely helping people (not scaring the shit out of everyone). Divine is goodness in all forms.
This masculine bullshit we have been cowering from is just that- bullshit.
I embrace my feminine, that brings me joy. That has gotten me closer to healing than anyhing that any masculine has said or done. I embrace my inner being because that feels good, that feels like joy.
And my husband, he’s doing the same. I know inside my husband is a healed, radiant, smart, kind being, and I look forward to that showing more again. My husband is intelligent and we both have been doing everything in our power to heal. We both have been putting in more focus and more effort, than anyone wants to acknowledge. The fact that we are doing so much, and still coming up short, is because of all the damage that decades of rampant toxic masculinity enabled.
Toxic masculinity has ruined humanity and left us all zombies. Real zombies are the hordes cowering in fear. Real zombies are the hordes bickering with each other over problems instead of joining forces to find real lasting solutions. Real zombies are all the people giving their power away to greedy corporations because they say this injection will stop the disease. Real zombies are those that vote for the rich guy because he’s not a career politician forgetting he padded his own pockets in the process, but can’t see that the young politicians have people’s genuine concerns at heart because they signed up to try and fix the system.
If you can’t employ your brain to reach for better, see the fallacy of anything, and aim for solutions, then you are already a zombie.
As for me, I’m reaching for better.
I remind myself and my family regularly:
Mind your own self first.
Reach for better and focus on something that feels good.
If you can’t find a solution, then find a way to let go of it so someone else can.
If you’re not living life normally, then you’re not living, and you might as well let go of life itself.
Treat yourself with respect, dignity, and love. If you know that you are doing everything you can correctly, then you have to know that you are doing your best and the rest is up to the actual divine.
Love yourself and give yourself what you need, no matter what that is.
I used my walk and this post to let go of what was bothering me. I used my walk to find appreciation. I am focusing on what I need to feel better. I am honoring my divine self and reaching for better and believing that no matter what, everything is okay.
May you find a way to let go and reach for better. May you see solutions or at least release the need to fight over anything. May you show yourself much needed kindness. May you find things to experience joy and learn to truly live again. May we all see that everything is okay and the divine loves and supports us in all that we aim to do for a greater good. May humanity find peace and living again.