Tag Archives: healing depression

My experience of Allopathic America

I’m writing today to discuss my current situation and treatment goal, but also to expound on how Allopathic medicine is now a money maker and no longer concerned with general health, well-being or full healing. I of course am only speaking to my experience and knowledge which lies in the Great US of A.

So if you’ve been a regular reader you know the basics. If not the more brief synopsis is:

I’ve lived with undiagnosed thyroid concerns since I was 12 years old, the lonely unknown battle took it’s toll with severe suicidal depression (medications did not solve) and uncontrollable weight. Then, I met a lady on a train when I was 29 that cued me onto iodine and thyroid supplements. Because it was helping her and we had similar histories, I tried it, and lost 45 pounds in a month and then found myself pregnant. When I was 31 I gave birth to my son and my thyroid crashed hard, enough I almost killed myself and I was forced to seek help. Then began my journey dealing with doctors and trying to get accurate dosing and helpful medication to begin with. It forced me to begin learning about thyroid disease, medications and lab testing. I have since battled with doctors to keep my thyroid managed well and have utilized the Auto-immune Paleo diet, iodine supplementation, and seaweed to accomplish most of the relief I have gleaned, I intentionally work very hard to keep my need for medication low. I exercise regularly, can lift quite a bit of weight and am healthy by all measurable standards except body weight. Yet I knew something still wasn’t right when in January I could feel my thyroid irritating my voicebox. After an ultrasound finding multiple nodules on my thyroid, I spoke with one of my clients that has had a similar journey. She filled me in on a treatment she had done to eliminate a virus that had been hiding in her body slowly damaging her thyroid and other organs. It completely healed not just the virus, but the damage to her organs too. It was expensive so I put it in the back of my mind and said eventually I will get there.

However, God seems to think I need to act sooner. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago.

I got what I thought was strep throat, and not my first round of it. What I was dealing with looked and acted like it. The doctor begrudgingly did a swab that came back negative, but since I had already started the antibiotics and Prednisone she ordered I finish the doses out. Right as the strep throat symptoms were ending I got a nasty rash on my upper thigh. It at first looked like standard hives, so I was perplexed thinking I reacted to the antibiotics and Prednisone when I never had before. Then larger blisters appeared in the center of the rash and they hurt like crazy. I couldn’t figure it out at first and the doctor had pissed me off so bad with how she handled the strep swab that I knew I didn’t want to deal with her again. I prayed on it and did some meditations and otherwise kept moving and functioning, but was careful to be mindful of mask wearing in case the perceived strep was something else entirely.

Two days into the rash I remembered the conversation with my client about the virus and the treatment that was done to solve it, and the memory just nagged and nagged at my brain. I looked up the virus she had talked about, it was the Epstein-Barr Virus (see here for wikipedia info). Interestingly, that virus can mimic strep throat and occasionally does cause a nasty rash. I had never had the rash before but have had strep several times where it didn’t come back as positive on strep tests. I decided to skip the doctor and test the theory myself. First I did the acute mononucleosis test for $69, that in theory would catch an active EBV infection. It came back negative, which apparently 25% of tests can be false negative because of how the test looks for the virus. So I decided to do the more thorough Chronic EBV test. $169 later I was holding test results that showed really high values for only one of four of the antibody markers. The other 3 were in negative range. But the one antibody was so ridiculously high that the test results came with a disclaimer that it was significant of a recent infection. So I had my smoking gun. I was in fact dealing with an EBV infection, and one that was good at hiding in my body and not triggering all of the antibodies.

Like my client had told me, EBV can hide in the body for years and does a whole host of damage to various organs, the thyroid just being one. It can also damage both the pancreas and liver, which are the other organs I have noticable difficulty with, manifesting in my food sensitivities and glucose control. If left unchecked EBV can also lead to multiple cancers and lukemias.

So now I finally had an ‘Ah Ha’ moment. I finally knew the cause of my 25 year journey of ill health despite having been to many doctors in 4 states during that time period. I have in my hands, proof of the virus being in my body in a chronic way. It is most likely the cause to all my concerns, and if I can clear my system long enough I can enable my organs to heal and health to return.

Enter the treatment my client did.

She went to a functional medicine doctor that discovered her Chronic EBV infection and he did a treatment called IV Oxygenation Therapy. The doc costs an initial consult of $600 plus $100 per month subscription fee which covers up to two office visits. The IV treatment is $2000.00, and if I haven’t already done all the labwork he needs then there may be other additional costs. Insurance, if you have it, would only cover labwork, I don’t anyway and I am always cash pay. So I need essentially $3000.00 to attempt to kill the virus and damaged tissues and instigate full healing. However, the process is hard on the system, so my client had explained she was down for 5 or 6 days afterwards because of the cellular die-off and detoxing, so I will also have to account for missing a week of work as well.

Beyond my frustrations over cost and managing to actually implement something with the potential to end my battle for health, I am super frustrated at the awareness I now have of our medical system.

Essentially, a dozen+ doctors in multiple offices in four different states and 10 different cities over 25 years, and none of them even came remotely close to really truly accurately diagnosing the problem. Every last one of them either gave up easily (as with the “low side of normal” tests from childhood) or decided to treat the one symptom of low thyroid function.

If I had not taken the time to educate myself on the problem I was faced with and kept digging knowing that something was still wrong, then I could have spent 30 to 40 years taking thyroid meds to end up with cancer and potentially die from it.

Western medicine as it currently stands in America is concerned with two things. 1) A minimum of treatment to ensure you stay alive, not well, just alive. 2) Making money indefinitely via treatment of symptoms only, rare cases like certain cancers they will treat with the premise of eradicating the disease, but still favor expensive treatment over cheaper more effective options.

You may wish to disagree with me on either, but evidence is piling up to support both.

I have written on several occasions in regards to how elder care and instutionalized medicine are more concerned with keeping an elderly person alive than actually providing the ability to live life. It is how we end up with people bed bound or wheelchair bound for years at the end of their life. Unable to do many tasks, but still alive and suffering. I have directly worked with dozens of such people where my massages are intended to help prevent skin tears, bed sores, and maybe just maybe provide a little relief from discomfort of being frozen in place.

But yet, it’s more than that. Part two listed above is very evident for me. Not one doctor ever said, your thyroid is struggling, there’s potential we could solve that and get you back to normal. No, in Western Medicine normal is live on this drug until you die. If that drug quits working we’ll double the dose or switch to another. Never is it, try to heal you and get you back to normal.

Even with cancer, the goal is cut and chemo and radiation. We now have several options that have better potential at lower costs, liquid Vitamin C at massive doses can kill cancer, turmeric extract has also been shown to have similar results, and beyond that we now have Car-T. But Car-T is too effective, even though it is still expensive, it only takes one full round of treatment and 99% of cancer can be completely healed. It simply cuts their profit margin by too much.

Any treatment that offers the potential for full healing is either sidelined by the AMA and CDC or is outright attacked by both. The more clinical and lab tested something is, the less they are able to attack it, but if it cuts profits then it will never be fully supported.

So, if you as a reader, want a real solution to whatever health problem you are facing, then you have to do the following:

  • Take charge of the problem, learn everything you can on the subject and follow the rabbit hole as far as it will lead you. Even then you might need to dig a little further.
  • Learn to read the labs of anything that needs tested. It’s not hard and the information is readily available if you know the trusted resources to seek out. If you get fuzzy on interpretation there are usually forums where people discuss their lab results.
  • The hardest part- Find a doctor that: 1- isn’t threatened by your intelligence and concern for your own health, and 2- might have alternate solutions or is at least willing to try something you propose. You may have to seek alternatives to your standard MD.
  • Finally, listen to your intuition. God wants you to heal and will give you the breadcrumbs to follow, but you have to trust that process. If something feels wrong it is, if something feels missed it is, if something feels right it is, if something nags at you- look into it, it probably means something important. Trust and God will guide you to a real solution.

As for me, I finally have a plan for a potentially final but expensive step. My biggest hurdle is money and I’ve overcome that one many times. I know I can do it again. I will do my best to allow and know that timing is everything. God will enable me to fix this for once and for all, and I will have avoided the worst case scenario for this disease.

As for you: may you have the solutions you seek. May you always have the proper resources when you need them. May you find helpful doctors that listen and do their best to meet your needs and find real solutions for your problems. May you trust God and be able to follow the breadcrumbs. May you see the solution you seek. May you understand that you are loved and supported. May you have the support you need from those around you. May you feel the love and support when it is needed most. May you know God wants you to be well. May you find the joyous healthy life you desire.

Siva Hir Su

Wading through energetic tar.

This weekend with handling my father’s belongings, followed by spending half of Monday taking him to doctor and errands, I feel like I am walking through energetic tar.

I feel heavy, exhausted, and thoughts that I know are not mine keep running through my head. When it’s not his thoughts, I remember obscure moments of trauma from my childhood. I am struggling to escape the darkness, knowing that much of it is my father, but carries a sense of karmic inevitability. I have not escaped repeating some of his worst traits despite spending 2 decades attempting to right the damage. I wonder if I will ever fix it and stop the karmic wheel. I want so badly to get every nano-shred of him out of me, even re-write my DNA to turn his genes off. They are not serving me at all.

Since all of his mess is causing things to resurface for me, I decided to write. Writing has always helped me to clear things from my mind, but this time I think I need more.

NLP or Neuro-Linguistic Programming is a technique I have used off and on over the years. I was introduced to it by a friend studying psychology not long after graduating from highschool. It is a psychological technique for transforming a traumatic memory into more of a disassociated story that you can step away from and send love to.

Essentially when a memory surfaces that carries intense emotion, you move your viewpoint mentally and see it from a distance as if flying overhead or watching a distant movie. It enables you to tell it as a story, but one that belongs to someone else. Once complete, you can give the story version of yourself all of the things that you needed or wanted in that moment. So for example I can say to the scared little girl: “I know that moment was really hard to be in, but I love you and you made it through. You know those people were having a really hard time themselves, or they wouldn’t have acted like that.” Then visualize giving my younger self a hug.

I have used this technique many times, but it seems I need to do so again. So this post is likely to be very long. Several memories have surfaced this week. I am really ready for my father to leave with my sister. Only a few more days to go.


K-Mart gone wrong:

A beautiful little blonde haired girl of about 3 or 4 years old is in the cart. Mommy told her she could have the toy, it was on blue light special. She looked so happy.

They make it to the register and start checking out. Her daddy comes and starts yelling at her mommy. He’s so angry that she spent so much.

The little girl looks at her toy and seems like she is about to cry. She looks scared. Her daddy is so angry he starts shaking his fist. The register lady gets scared and steps back, she asks the girl’s mommy if she needs to call someone. The mommy is in tears but says: no, it’s okay, it’ll be fine. The daddy storms out of the store, and the mommy pays and follows quickly, pushing the cart of groceries with the little girl in the seat still holding her toy.

Her daddy was quiet all the way home, but yelled at her mommy more after dinner. She tells her mommy she could give the toy back, she didn’t need it. Her mommy says no, it’s not because of the toy, she just needs to be more careful.

The response:

Little girl, please know it’s not your fault. One little clearance toy is just a tiny drop in the bucket. It was the size of the bucket that got your daddy so upset. He did not handle it well. He had not been taught what to do when costs were more than he could manage. He was mad at himself for not being able to handle what was needed, and at your mommy for not planning better or telling him what was happening. Please know you are loved and neither of your parents meant for that to happen. You made it through okay and things will get easier someday. I love you and you will learn how to do better.


Unable to protect:

Two kids stand doing dishes after dinner. The big brother washes at the sink, and the little girl stands on a stool nearby to dry them.

Their dad had scolded them for a dirty bowl at dinner, so they are both trying to make sure that the dishes are really clean. Brother asked sister to watch and try to catch anything he missed. She’s doing that. If she’s sees some little bit, she’s trying to use the towel to get it. If it’s more than the towel can get, she gives it back to him.

One damn frying pan just won’t come clean. He scrubs and scrubs. He thinks he finally got it and hands it to her. She starts to dry it and sees a little spot. She’s trying like mad to get the spot to come off when dad comes in the kitchen. He asks why she’s scrubbing so hard with the drying towel. She tries to say she just wants to make sure it’s really dry.

Dad yanks it from her hand and tells her to move. He looks at the pan and starts yelling. She cowers in fear, her feet won’t move but she wants to run. He’s yelling at her brother, louder and louder, saying he can’t do anything right. He makes her brother scrub it again, but only gives a few seconds before yanking it back. It’s still got the spot. He yells even louder, her brother freezes.

Dad thinks he’s being ignored and *WHAM*.

Dad hits her brother with the frying pan full force, up against his head. He throws the pan on the stove. It is bent so much it doesn’t sit flat anymore. The pan is ruined. Dad starts yelling again. “Your skull is so thick it ruins pans, no wonder you can’t do anything right!” He screams. “You’re not good for anything, get out of here. I’ll do them myself!”

He turns and looks at the girl. “You too. Get out of here, now!”

They both hurry to their rooms. Both in tears. They sit on their beds either side of the same wall. Crying into pillows.

The response:

You did your best. You tried to keep your brother safe, that’s what counts. You were just kids, no one is perfect, even adults. He should not have been so upset over a dirty dish. He definitely should not have hit anyone, let alone with a frying pan. Your big brother is smart and you were both doing your best. It was not right for him to act like that and it was horrible for him to treat you both that way. You deserve to be treated better. You deserve to be shown love not hatred. God loves you. Your mom loves you, she couldn’t stop it either. She tried to protect you both and failed. She’s very sorry you were hurt. Times will get better. You will understand one day, and you will always remember that and do your best to do better. You are a beautiful girl and you will figure out better. I love you.


Not strong enough:

A family building a deck. They just moved into a new neighborhood. All was going okay. They took a lunch break, mom served them drinks. It was hot, but tolerable. Kids were trying to help.

The boy about 14 or 15, the girl 12. The mom was pregnant, so she did light work.

Dad needed to cut boards. Several went ok. One had a big knot. Dad told the girl she wasn’t strong enough. Her brother had to try and hold the board still enough to cut. Between measures and prep, he kept yanking the board free. Then he would yell that it needed to be held good. Insults to intelligence and demands to listen yelled in between “Hold it still!” He yelled over and over. Finally, the brother thinks he has appeased his father. He had a strong hold of the board in a position that his dad wants. The saw whirrs up and cutting begins. The blade catches the knot and the board wobbles.

Dad paused in place to yell some more. Demanding the son hold it harder from a specific spot. The son does exactly as he requested. The saw starts moving and catches the knot again, the board kicked hard and the saw cut wrong.

The dad throws the saw down, yanks the board and before anyone could respond the board flies at the son’s shoulder. It hits the boy’s shoulder and bounces hard into his head. Dad throws the board onto the ground and yells and yells and yells. Neither child can do right, neither is any good at anything.

Mom comes out and demands he stop yelling. Her son needs an ice pack for the damage done. Mom takes both children to the kitchen. She puts ice on the now very large goose-egg on the brother’s head. She apologizes to them over and over again saying she has tried so hard to get their father to stop being so mean. She doesn’t know what else to do and is so sorry they keep getting hurt.

The response:

You were so young, no one expects a small child to be able to do something like that. There is no way either of you could have made him happy, he wanted something intended for an adult to accomplish. You did your best, you could not have changed the situation. You could not have fixed anything. It was so hard for you to watch, and I’m so sorry that you had to watch that happen. Your brother knows you couldn’t fix it or change anything. He loves you. Your mom loves you. She really did mean what she said. There wasn’t anything anyone could do. Your dad is just too broken. He never learned how to act, how to manage anger and frustration. He never learned that you can’t treat children like that. He taught you very bad habits, but you are going to be the better person. You are going to figure it out. You are going to learn how to change, and in the process you are going to get so strong that a stupid board will never win again. I love you, you are beautiful and strong and will change your world one step at a time.


There is more, but my heart is raw right now. I think I need a breather. I may finish with a second post later, or just handwrite in a journal. I really needed this. I have been through so many things that I deserve all the accolades for as far as I have gotten on my own. I do love me for trying, for doing better, for becoming a stronger better person. I will get there. I will solve this and stop the karmic wheel. I will teach my children how to fix all of it for them too.

May you have moments full of growth. May you release negative experiences and find a way to clear the way for self love and acceptance. May you understand traumas in helpful ways. May you find peace in the midst of chaos. May you know you are being guided to healing. May you see your way clear of energetic muck. May your karmic wheel become easy to manage. May you find healing for yourself and your family. May you know God loves and supports you and always did. May you know trauma is almost always because the person acting out is hurting and disconnected from God. May you find forgiveness for the hurts you incurred in your life.

Siva Hir Su

Relief again.

I’m 95% of the way through my thyroid storm. I only feel the painful heart skips or speeding occasionally. My mood has stabilized. My thinking is more clear again. My headache comes and goes, but is gone more then present.

On top of that we had our housewarming gathering today. I bought enough food for 2 armies, and half of one showed up, so we’ll have tons of leftovers. Plus, I was pleased to see some faces considering a few days ago my thyroid storm had me believing no one cared.

It was a good first gathering in our home. I look forward to many more.

I didn’t take any of my supplements today, wanting to make sure I stayed down in normal range. Now to just find the balance where I maintain the thyroid sweet spot again. I went a year and a half doing pretty well with no medication, so now I have a reminder to keep doing what I was doing. I know the best path and I just need to stick to it. I get better at that every day, and considering I fell into the hole of my brain hurting enough to think about suicide, I climbed back up very quickly.

May last bout of that was right after Katherine’s birth and it took 2 weeks to wade through the crash to even come close to normal. The same period after Ian was born took 14 weeks after acknowledgement that I needed help. So more like 16-18 weeks from when I fell in the hole. This time it was right at a week from knowing something was off, to falling in the hole, to successful climb back out, and that’s even with stupid people taking me for granted as get laid quick schemes, rejecting actual relationship possibilities.

I’m giving myself huge kudos on that shift, that improvement; especially since I had only Nathan’s encouraging words to help me. No one stopped me, no one told me what to do, not one person figured it out for me. AND I did it all when my hurting brain was telling me it was easier to throw in the towel and just kill myself.

I literally just kept flip flopping between those scary thoughts and convincing myself that it was solvable and I just needed to regain control for the sake of my husband and kids. Once the storm calmed just enough, I was able to start attempting to analyze my previous actions to try and figure out what led up to the storm. Now I am fairly certain I know what led up to it and what to do to get into my sweet spot and maintain it again.

5 years ago that was impossible. I couldn’t even regain balance without help and was at the mercy of band-aid pills controlled by uninvested doctors. Now I have knowing, I have data, I know cause and effect, and I’ve won the battle enough times I’m now getting more efficient at winning. I may not have healed my body, but I know how to manipulate the dysfunction enough to maintain my stability.

Stability itself will eventually allow for healing.

The one moment I am clinging to is what I said to Nathan standing in the shower bawling my eyes out. I still believe it even if I’m not certain of my ability to allow it: “Love is supposed to fix the things I can’t fix by myself.” In the moment of tears I thought I was crying because I believed wrong. However, now I see that I was crying because I was doubting a true internal belief. I hold that belief so deeply that even a little doubt feels absolutely horrible. So it must come to pass. God is just waiting for me to do my part and the rest will fall into place.

Thank you God for helping me find my solutions. Thank you for helping me see the rediculous for what it is. Thank you for talking me out of my hurt and desire to give up. Thank you for giving me Nathan and his supportive kind words. Thank you for helping me fix what is wrong, and I do know you’ll help me find healing if I get out of my own way.

May you all have moments of clarity and healing. May you all find your solutions. May you all sense God’s guidance. May you have easy roads. May you respect yourself and others, especially when fighting battles like mine. May you feel better faster and more efficiently.

Siva Hir Su