Tag Archives: healing depression

Wading through energetic tar.

This weekend with handling my father’s belongings, followed by spending half of Monday taking him to doctor and errands, I feel like I am walking through energetic tar.

I feel heavy, exhausted, and thoughts that I know are not mine keep running through my head. When it’s not his thoughts, I remember obscure moments of trauma from my childhood. I am struggling to escape the darkness, knowing that much of it is my father, but carries a sense of karmic inevitability. I have not escaped repeating some of his worst traits despite spending 2 decades attempting to right the damage. I wonder if I will ever fix it and stop the karmic wheel. I want so badly to get every nano-shred of him out of me, even re-write my DNA to turn his genes off. They are not serving me at all.

Since all of his mess is causing things to resurface for me, I decided to write. Writing has always helped me to clear things from my mind, but this time I think I need more.

NLP or Neuro-Linguistic Programming is a technique I have used off and on over the years. I was introduced to it by a friend studying psychology not long after graduating from highschool. It is a psychological technique for transforming a traumatic memory into more of a disassociated story that you can step away from and send love to.

Essentially when a memory surfaces that carries intense emotion, you move your viewpoint mentally and see it from a distance as if flying overhead or watching a distant movie. It enables you to tell it as a story, but one that belongs to someone else. Once complete, you can give the story version of yourself all of the things that you needed or wanted in that moment. So for example I can say to the scared little girl: “I know that moment was really hard to be in, but I love you and you made it through. You know those people were having a really hard time themselves, or they wouldn’t have acted like that.” Then visualize giving my younger self a hug.

I have used this technique many times, but it seems I need to do so again. So this post is likely to be very long. Several memories have surfaced this week. I am really ready for my father to leave with my sister. Only a few more days to go.


K-Mart gone wrong:

A beautiful little blonde haired girl of about 3 or 4 years old is in the cart. Mommy told her she could have the toy, it was on blue light special. She looked so happy.

They make it to the register and start checking out. Her daddy comes and starts yelling at her mommy. He’s so angry that she spent so much.

The little girl looks at her toy and seems like she is about to cry. She looks scared. Her daddy is so angry he starts shaking his fist. The register lady gets scared and steps back, she asks the girl’s mommy if she needs to call someone. The mommy is in tears but says: no, it’s okay, it’ll be fine. The daddy storms out of the store, and the mommy pays and follows quickly, pushing the cart of groceries with the little girl in the seat still holding her toy.

Her daddy was quiet all the way home, but yelled at her mommy more after dinner. She tells her mommy she could give the toy back, she didn’t need it. Her mommy says no, it’s not because of the toy, she just needs to be more careful.

The response:

Little girl, please know it’s not your fault. One little clearance toy is just a tiny drop in the bucket. It was the size of the bucket that got your daddy so upset. He did not handle it well. He had not been taught what to do when costs were more than he could manage. He was mad at himself for not being able to handle what was needed, and at your mommy for not planning better or telling him what was happening. Please know you are loved and neither of your parents meant for that to happen. You made it through okay and things will get easier someday. I love you and you will learn how to do better.


Unable to protect:

Two kids stand doing dishes after dinner. The big brother washes at the sink, and the little girl stands on a stool nearby to dry them.

Their dad had scolded them for a dirty bowl at dinner, so they are both trying to make sure that the dishes are really clean. Brother asked sister to watch and try to catch anything he missed. She’s doing that. If she’s sees some little bit, she’s trying to use the towel to get it. If it’s more than the towel can get, she gives it back to him.

One damn frying pan just won’t come clean. He scrubs and scrubs. He thinks he finally got it and hands it to her. She starts to dry it and sees a little spot. She’s trying like mad to get the spot to come off when dad comes in the kitchen. He asks why she’s scrubbing so hard with the drying towel. She tries to say she just wants to make sure it’s really dry.

Dad yanks it from her hand and tells her to move. He looks at the pan and starts yelling. She cowers in fear, her feet won’t move but she wants to run. He’s yelling at her brother, louder and louder, saying he can’t do anything right. He makes her brother scrub it again, but only gives a few seconds before yanking it back. It’s still got the spot. He yells even louder, her brother freezes.

Dad thinks he’s being ignored and *WHAM*.

Dad hits her brother with the frying pan full force, up against his head. He throws the pan on the stove. It is bent so much it doesn’t sit flat anymore. The pan is ruined. Dad starts yelling again. “Your skull is so thick it ruins pans, no wonder you can’t do anything right!” He screams. “You’re not good for anything, get out of here. I’ll do them myself!”

He turns and looks at the girl. “You too. Get out of here, now!”

They both hurry to their rooms. Both in tears. They sit on their beds either side of the same wall. Crying into pillows.

The response:

You did your best. You tried to keep your brother safe, that’s what counts. You were just kids, no one is perfect, even adults. He should not have been so upset over a dirty dish. He definitely should not have hit anyone, let alone with a frying pan. Your big brother is smart and you were both doing your best. It was not right for him to act like that and it was horrible for him to treat you both that way. You deserve to be treated better. You deserve to be shown love not hatred. God loves you. Your mom loves you, she couldn’t stop it either. She tried to protect you both and failed. She’s very sorry you were hurt. Times will get better. You will understand one day, and you will always remember that and do your best to do better. You are a beautiful girl and you will figure out better. I love you.


Not strong enough:

A family building a deck. They just moved into a new neighborhood. All was going okay. They took a lunch break, mom served them drinks. It was hot, but tolerable. Kids were trying to help.

The boy about 14 or 15, the girl 12. The mom was pregnant, so she did light work.

Dad needed to cut boards. Several went ok. One had a big knot. Dad told the girl she wasn’t strong enough. Her brother had to try and hold the board still enough to cut. Between measures and prep, he kept yanking the board free. Then he would yell that it needed to be held good. Insults to intelligence and demands to listen yelled in between “Hold it still!” He yelled over and over. Finally, the brother thinks he has appeased his father. He had a strong hold of the board in a position that his dad wants. The saw whirrs up and cutting begins. The blade catches the knot and the board wobbles.

Dad paused in place to yell some more. Demanding the son hold it harder from a specific spot. The son does exactly as he requested. The saw starts moving and catches the knot again, the board kicked hard and the saw cut wrong.

The dad throws the saw down, yanks the board and before anyone could respond the board flies at the son’s shoulder. It hits the boy’s shoulder and bounces hard into his head. Dad throws the board onto the ground and yells and yells and yells. Neither child can do right, neither is any good at anything.

Mom comes out and demands he stop yelling. Her son needs an ice pack for the damage done. Mom takes both children to the kitchen. She puts ice on the now very large goose-egg on the brother’s head. She apologizes to them over and over again saying she has tried so hard to get their father to stop being so mean. She doesn’t know what else to do and is so sorry they keep getting hurt.

The response:

You were so young, no one expects a small child to be able to do something like that. There is no way either of you could have made him happy, he wanted something intended for an adult to accomplish. You did your best, you could not have changed the situation. You could not have fixed anything. It was so hard for you to watch, and I’m so sorry that you had to watch that happen. Your brother knows you couldn’t fix it or change anything. He loves you. Your mom loves you. She really did mean what she said. There wasn’t anything anyone could do. Your dad is just too broken. He never learned how to act, how to manage anger and frustration. He never learned that you can’t treat children like that. He taught you very bad habits, but you are going to be the better person. You are going to figure it out. You are going to learn how to change, and in the process you are going to get so strong that a stupid board will never win again. I love you, you are beautiful and strong and will change your world one step at a time.


There is more, but my heart is raw right now. I think I need a breather. I may finish with a second post later, or just handwrite in a journal. I really needed this. I have been through so many things that I deserve all the accolades for as far as I have gotten on my own. I do love me for trying, for doing better, for becoming a stronger better person. I will get there. I will solve this and stop the karmic wheel. I will teach my children how to fix all of it for them too.

May you have moments full of growth. May you release negative experiences and find a way to clear the way for self love and acceptance. May you understand traumas in helpful ways. May you find peace in the midst of chaos. May you know you are being guided to healing. May you see your way clear of energetic muck. May your karmic wheel become easy to manage. May you find healing for yourself and your family. May you know God loves and supports you and always did. May you know trauma is almost always because the person acting out is hurting and disconnected from God. May you find forgiveness for the hurts you incurred in your life.

Siva Hir Su

Relief again.

I’m 95% of the way through my thyroid storm. I only feel the painful heart skips or speeding occasionally. My mood has stabilized. My thinking is more clear again. My headache comes and goes, but is gone more then present.

On top of that we had our housewarming gathering today. I bought enough food for 2 armies, and half of one showed up, so we’ll have tons of leftovers. Plus, I was pleased to see some faces considering a few days ago my thyroid storm had me believing no one cared.

It was a good first gathering in our home. I look forward to many more.

I didn’t take any of my supplements today, wanting to make sure I stayed down in normal range. Now to just find the balance where I maintain the thyroid sweet spot again. I went a year and a half doing pretty well with no medication, so now I have a reminder to keep doing what I was doing. I know the best path and I just need to stick to it. I get better at that every day, and considering I fell into the hole of my brain hurting enough to think about suicide, I climbed back up very quickly.

May last bout of that was right after Katherine’s birth and it took 2 weeks to wade through the crash to even come close to normal. The same period after Ian was born took 14 weeks after acknowledgement that I needed help. So more like 16-18 weeks from when I fell in the hole. This time it was right at a week from knowing something was off, to falling in the hole, to successful climb back out, and that’s even with stupid people taking me for granted as get laid quick schemes, rejecting actual relationship possibilities.

I’m giving myself huge kudos on that shift, that improvement; especially since I had only Nathan’s encouraging words to help me. No one stopped me, no one told me what to do, not one person figured it out for me. AND I did it all when my hurting brain was telling me it was easier to throw in the towel and just kill myself.

I literally just kept flip flopping between those scary thoughts and convincing myself that it was solvable and I just needed to regain control for the sake of my husband and kids. Once the storm calmed just enough, I was able to start attempting to analyze my previous actions to try and figure out what led up to the storm. Now I am fairly certain I know what led up to it and what to do to get into my sweet spot and maintain it again.

5 years ago that was impossible. I couldn’t even regain balance without help and was at the mercy of band-aid pills controlled by uninvested doctors. Now I have knowing, I have data, I know cause and effect, and I’ve won the battle enough times I’m now getting more efficient at winning. I may not have healed my body, but I know how to manipulate the dysfunction enough to maintain my stability.

Stability itself will eventually allow for healing.

The one moment I am clinging to is what I said to Nathan standing in the shower bawling my eyes out. I still believe it even if I’m not certain of my ability to allow it: “Love is supposed to fix the things I can’t fix by myself.” In the moment of tears I thought I was crying because I believed wrong. However, now I see that I was crying because I was doubting a true internal belief. I hold that belief so deeply that even a little doubt feels absolutely horrible. So it must come to pass. God is just waiting for me to do my part and the rest will fall into place.

Thank you God for helping me find my solutions. Thank you for helping me see the rediculous for what it is. Thank you for talking me out of my hurt and desire to give up. Thank you for giving me Nathan and his supportive kind words. Thank you for helping me fix what is wrong, and I do know you’ll help me find healing if I get out of my own way.

May you all have moments of clarity and healing. May you all find your solutions. May you all sense God’s guidance. May you have easy roads. May you respect yourself and others, especially when fighting battles like mine. May you feel better faster and more efficiently.

Siva Hir Su

Screaming or Cowbell?

So my weeks have been very busy. I’ve been in constant motion for nearly a month, having only had one day with any notable downtime. It’s not all been working, but a vast majority of it has been.

I’ve made strides to put my puzzle back together. Right now, with the help of wonderful friends; I have diet, supplements, exercise, and sleep mostly worked out and staying together. Also, I am getting a little bit of meaningful social interaction through staying with those good friends (though I sometimes apparently overly worry about being a nuisance and outstaying my welcome), and I feel like I could benefit from more socializing, if only there were a few more hours in my week, The one thing I am still lacking is enough quality light, but with 4.5 out of 6 puzzle pieces, I’m hanging in fairly well. Some Days better than others.

This last week, Tuesday was all about our weekly shopping and errands because between everything else it was the only opportunity. All day with a cranky toddler bouncing stores was difficult, but manageable. One of the stops was a friend’s house where I bestowed helpful gifts to her and she returned the favor by bestowing Nathan with a bunch of photography equipment. It made his day.

Wednesday was the icing on the cake. It was a fit-it-in the best-we-could, trip to visit my parents and brother in Iowa. One which was filled with little Ian being as cranky as he could be; hard for a 3 hour drive. At one point he saw a cow-bell that had been tucked under the seat since last Halloween, over a year ago. After screaming at his sister several times that he wanted it, I said “Just give him the damn cow-bell, it’s cow-bell or screaming, and I’m sick of the screaming.” So then we had several periods of cow-bell filled driving throughout the day, I’m not sure it was the best choice, but still a notch better than screaming.

We had lunch and a couple of hours of visiting with my dad, where upon he bestowed more gifts. I’m very appreciative of them because they were things I’d wanted but not been able to obtain myself. Additionally they represented confirmation of my most recent request for a physical manifestation that things were moving. I needed physical evidence of what I thought I’d been getting through my various messages. Dad’s gifts, and even the photo equipment from our friend, were definitely that, they were things we’d asked for and the universe just plunked them down into our experience. It was nice to have a physical manifestation of our process, and expressing gratitude over that was nice. I look forward to the rest of the journey now that I have some validation of what I’ve been seeing.

After visiting with dad we drove about 40 min further to see my mom and younger brother for dinner at an in-between-spot for everyone. It too was a nice visit. None of my family has the ability to host any of our visits, and we have equal inability to host any one of them visiting, so a few hours in a restaurant is as good as it gets. Yet it was good quality time.

The one thing that left me shaking my head is that both parents very clearly stated they were ready to check out, exit this experience, and croak. The both seemed very intent on making sure that I knew that and that they intended to be as little burden as possible. I found myself asking Nathan on the way home “Why on earth did my parents both tell me that? Isn’t it bad enough that I play energetic-grim-reaper with nursing-home-peeps all the time? Why do they have to express a desire to check out, to me? It’s like they asked me in as close of muggle vocabulary as they have, to help them check out – energetically, and I’m not sure how I feel about that.” Nathan replied with something like: at least they respect me enough to want to eliminate being a burden, and that they on some level honor and respect my abilities. I suppose, it’s just really strange, and I know I’ll miss them. Despite the strife in our family over the last decade, I will still miss my parents when they are gone. I suppose it just is.

I told God that I respected their choice to want to exit early, swiftly, and gracefully, and asked for divine assistance on that one. I can still send energy their way from afar, but I’d rather leave that one up to the divine. This is one instance where I’m personally not seeing the immediate benefit of someone relaxing into their croaking experience. I’m sure there is one, I just don’t see it, so I question whether or not my abilities would be helpful in this situation. Yet, I’ve told the divine I’ll do whatever is needed of me, and if that means zap my parents with Reiki then that’s what I’ll do. Just waiting on confirmation of that from the divine.

Any-who, beyond that I’ve worked a lot, gotten my bare minimums of exercise, and done my best to increase sleep. I think baby is wanting me to sleep 9 hours a night, but most nights I manage about 8. It means I constantly feel draggy, but functional. No naps, and not nearly enough caffeine to make up the difference. Yet, it is enough that I pulled out of the depression nose-dive I was in for a couple of weeks there.

I still think about my online boy. One of the friends that I have stayed with gave me an interesting perspective on the situation calling him a tantric twin, which is apparently very similar to, but not exactly the same as twin flame. I told her if that’s the case then I, Nathan and him are at least triplets, and being that I’ve had thoughts of another woman in the same energetic vicinity, there could be quadruplets. She laughed and said it’s entirely possible. Regardless she had some helpful thoughts on why I can’t let go of him despite the lack of communication, and offered some suggestions for me to try. The goal at the moment is that I’ve taken easy access off of my phone, and to that end I’ve been doing more guided meditations, mantras, and asking for my dreams to provide guidance. I know my mood is better and I’m more hopeful, than when I was constantly checking in and realizing he wasn’t going to respond.

It also seems like the divine does want something to come of it. I say this because of this:

IMG_20171117_121425_01

For work Thursday morning I went to look up Daily Devotionals for our morning devotional reading, knowing the residents were finding my droning voice unappealing. I literally typed Daily Devotional into the YouTube search bar on the work computer which I’ve never, ever, logged into using my personal information. It’s a generic computer that no-one logs into.  The top 7 results included what you see here. The first 3 were christian devotionals, exactly what I had aimed to find to appease residents. Then 2 were Shiva devotionals, more what I would prefer; but then I noticed one of the 2 was in Telugu. That’s the language I’d started learning just for the online man,  knowing that learning another’s language efficiently expresses how much you care about them. The bottom video on the list was Depeche Mode’s “Devotional” performance. As I listened to the first few minuets of that, I realized they were all songs that I had already associated with him. Additionally this was all after I had already seen visual messages telling me something was up with him.

I was left dumbfounded and questioning what I needed to take away from these experiences. Between my conversation with my friend, and my visual and video messages, I knew the divine was trying to tell me something significant. Yet again I found myself saying WTF? What are you trying to tell me.

Last night I said tell me in my dreams. Tell me about the near future. I dreamt of him, nothing else. I got to hear from him, and see him, and I was super happy about it, but his expression remained stoic. On the way to work I though about it. My conclusion was that it was one of two things, based on having experienced the reactions of others. My first thought was that he was playing the poker face, attempting to cover his true reactions to hide from the ramifications of what his reactions would mean. My second thought was the stoic face of melancholy depression, one that I fought years to learn how to hide behind a false smile. Either way my dream did not really provide any clarity for my messages the days before. I suppose that this is yet another notch on the patiently wait and see.

Regardless, that constant motion in my life continues, and now is no different. Off to find my sofa for the night and crash. A very tired, yet optimistic Treasa, hoping that perhaps the gaps in my understanding will find clarity on this night, both with my parents and with the boy. Regardless I still send love, it’s all I can do for now.