Tag Archives: healing depression

Catching up with myself.

I am stopped at a park on the way home, just for a quiet place to sit for a few moments. I need to catch up with me.

I have managed to fit in a workout every day for almost a week and a half. Some at home doing yoga or climbing up and down our basement stairs. Most at the gym by work.

I have been pushing myself extra hard, and the only thing I can attribute it to is my inspiration of She-Ra and the discovery of my inner programming because of that show. I want to see if I can do it, if I can look like her. That is, after years and years of subconsciously trying to be like her to some degree or another.

Anyway, my post work workout today on the treadmill was uncomfortable. My legs are cranky and I couldn’t go as fast as usual.

That’s after a salt bath last night and about 4 hours of either working on my muscles myself or having Nathan help me.

I feel like my muscles are starved for something…. I’m breathing fine, so I doubt it is oxygenation. I’m taking all of my supplements, so I also doubt that it is nutrition. I’m staying hydrated as well as ever, so I might be a little short on fluids, but not excessively.

So, I think they just want the energy to heal damage from working them so extensively. I’m taking my thyroid meds, but I had backed off on seaweed to try not to swing high. I will try some extra seaweed when I get home.

Instead, for the moment I am putting thought energy towards healing while I sleep, specifically mending muscles, shrinking skin, and burning the fat that I am still carrying. I have been focusing on those processes since my legs started complaining on the treadmill.

I’m also going to stretch really well when I get home. I have been doing yoga every few days, but my legs definitely need more stretching than they have received. I want my body to have what it needs in every respect, and I’m still doing my best to accommodate everything.

That’s why I stopped. I just needed a moment of chill and regrouping before landing at home with kids excited to see mommy.

I need my brain to catch up with my day and my week so that I’m not overwhelmed with the logistics of getting home and still needing to take care of me some. It’s a tricky balancing act to give my kids the attention they desire and still fit in doing the activities I need for myself.

Not impossible, just tricky. Sometimes I manage just fine, sometimes not.

This afternoon I feel like if my brain doesn’t catch up, then I could potentially have issues with the rest. Just trying to head that off at the pass. Of course a dose of herbs straight in the door would probably help too, fortunately we keep the “Free and Easy Wanderer” on the shelf by our dining table which is 10 steps inside the garage door. It’s like this moment has happened before🤪!

That’s because it has.

Anyway, a few moments alone and then I make my attempt at being mommy.

May you have good workouts. May you feel great always. May your muscles always have what they need. May you have moments of escape when you need them. May your brain always cooperate with you. May you body heal when you sleep, and above all may you know that God loves and supports you in every way.

Om Shanti

Abraham reminder.

Watch another Abraham video. It’s titled: “Abraham Hicks NO ADS – How to Auto motivate When You Feel Lazy”. I can’t guarantee it’ll stay up long, sometimes links I post disappear pretty quick.

Anyway, it was a reminder that I am efforting a little too much. I kind of knew that, and it was why I said I wouldn’t make any hasty decisions.

I’m having difficulty, and doing my best to pull up. I’m doing all the things, but it is slower going than I want. I’m also having a heck of a time keeping my focus on the things that are going right. When Abraham said to chill out, take a nap, or meditate, my knee jerk reaction was “I AM!!!”. At least as much as possible.

Those moments do help and do work, in the moment. I’m just having difficulty sustaining them in between. For instance, when I worked out today I totally zoned out to the music pumping in my earbuds- so much, that when I went to check a notification on my watch I almost lost my balance doing 4.4 mph at a 4 incline on the treadmill (and yes the numbers were a conscious choice). It was almost really bad, but I caught myself just in time.

Despite my faux pas, I refocused and zoned back into my treadmill workout.

I’m frustrated with myself, with my lack of results, with things not being very close to my desires in many ways. I do feel like I am reaching for impossibilities, and that’s without comparing myself to others. It’s bogging me down.

Here’s the deal. No one chooses to be crazy. And I’m not really crazy, but I do still feel like my brain is not fully functional, because I do frequently have extreme difficulty controlling it. 7 years of practice with many actions to help proper function and encourage healing, and I still have these bouts, periods where making my brain cooperate is like pulling teeth.

It is very frustrating. Especially considering that I was born into imbalance and it got much much worse, long before it started to get better. Born an orange baby from jaundice due to high blood sugars during my mom’s pregnancy, and then dysfunctional family life early on, some of which continued all the way into adulthood. I have literally fought my entire life to stay alive trying to find healthy, trying to find balance, trying to find proper brain function, and trying to convince myself that I even want to live- that life can be enjoyable.

I have gotten this far by my efforts, and after reaching adulthood- with some support from my husband Nathan. No one else got me here. My family sure as hell didn’t, out of all of them there is only two that I feel like even put effort into mental health like I did, and ones of those is my younger brother. Bonus half the time I feel like God even forgot I was trying.

Mental health problems are a modern problem. They were present before the industrial revolution (some very interesting history on that), but they have become much more plentiful since. There are many reasons and also many hypothesis for that, but the acknowledgement of this being a modern era concern is just the same. We diagnose them more frequently and more accurately than once upon a time, and generally people seek treatment more frequently than in history. However, the numbers are still in a generally climbing curve. That implies that what we are doing as a populus is encouraging mental disease and disorders, not actually solving anything.

This really could be said for all disease, we have more diseases to label and diagnose, more symptoms to treat, more avenues to seek symptom treatment, but disease from allopathic medicine is rarely solution/healing oriented.

So sometimes I do get angry at God. I am doing the work. I am reaching for better. I am practicing techniques to allow as much healing as possible. I put forth as much non-resistant effort as I can find time for- all to get my brain to cooperate. Yet, 7 years and it is still a challenge more frequently than I like, and often more difficult than I can handle alone.

Where is my miraculous healing that meditation is supposed to enable?

So I ranted at my divine masculine today. Ultimately, I feel like having been left hanging by the divine has caused all my concerns to be greater, harder, and longer, and I often wonder what the hell I did to deserve it.

Yet I still reach for better as much as possible.

So I told my divine masculine:

If there really is no spoon, then why can’t you just stand here? Why can’t you just give me a hug and tell me it’ll be okay? Why can’t you just acknowledge all the things I desire and remind me that they are worthy goals? Why can’t you honestly tell me how you feel? Why can’t you be lovingly supportive like my husband and help me figure out solutions to make things go more smoothly? Why can’t you just heal my brain so it stops doing this to me? Why can’t you remind me of the moments of feel good knowing which I have had? Why can’t you tell me do this and you’ll get that thing you want? Why can’t you be strong and capable and still caring, gentle, compassionate, and loving? Why can’t you love on me, heal me, and kick anyone’s ass that gets in the way of that? Why can’t you give me helpful advice and do things with me to help speed my progress? Why can you help support me so I can work less and have more time for me and my healing needs? That’s what I want and need from my divine masculine.

It’s been hard long enough, and I’ve done so many things to help, that I feel like I’ve earned that. But maybe it’s just wishful thinking.

I just want to be the healthy beautiful venus with my poly family and my Atira community and businesses. I want love and connections and prosperity and a lighter work load and support from my loving poly family. I was supposed to have more than one partner in love and business- combined! I was supposed to have more, and I’ve worked a long time, practicing at aiming at that goal. I know these things are already in my vortex and in full detail and complexities clearly defined. They’re there. I want to allow them here.

It feels like too much to ask and nearly impossible, but I do keep reaching for examples that prove otherwise.

I reach for the Will Smith’s (the actor) of polyamory. I reach for the businesses owned and operated by spouses or significant others. I reach for the clinics that are closer to what I envisioned. I reach for the intentional communities, especially the high dollar complexes like I desire (like when I learned of the Cerner complex being built in Arkansas that has literally everything I want, but in standard modern construction instead of my domes). I reach for the proof of things not being impossible and remind myself as frequently as possible that I am enough. I reach for the knowing that I am strong enough. I am intelligent enough. I am capable enough. I am patient enough. I am kind enough. I am loving enough. I am beautiful enough. I am working hard enough (hell probably too much). I’m giving enough. I’m helpful enough.

I am enough in all the ways.

I know I can do all the pieces of the dream, and what I don’t know how to do myself I know how to learn or find someone that can. I’m just having a hell of a time getting them all together at once, and finding the funding to make it happen and keep it going.

So I’ll focus some more and do my best to stay on the positives. I’ll do all the things over and over again. I’ll make my brain cooperate, and meditate, and do as much as I can to allow. And I’ll keep allowing as much as possible so that my divine masculine actually can start filling in the gaps and hopefully provide my much desired healing so it’s not so hard. I’ve asked enough for 3 lifetimes, now I really do just need to shut the eff up and let it in. Somehow.


May you have stable mental health and clarity. May you be able to maintain focus on the feel good knowing of your inner being. May you allow all of your asking to manifest. May you find your progress to be great wonderful strides towards better and better. May you never plateau on your improvement, but still enjoy your life and your journey. May you know your are enough and can do it. May you fully and deeply, understand and believe, that nothing is impossible. May you believe in your ability to beat the odds. May you know your divine connection(s) love and support you and are doing the best possible to guide you to your desires. May you allow fully for that divine force to accomplish great things for you.

Om Gum Ganpatiye, Om Namo Narayanaya, Om Shanti

For those unfamiliar with mantras, my ending essentially translates as a salutation to the divine to break obstacles, allow for protective flow, and find peace. 3 prayers in one to 3 divine aspects.

All the things.

This week I have done all the things to fix the depression I’ve been fighting.

  • I exercised as much as I could humanly fit in (4 times). It helped.
  • I meditated every day and focused on mantras while doing my sessions with clients. It helped.
  • I colored a picture between clients for decompression and a sigh of relief. I finally finished one I had started in June. It helped.
  • I watched all the P’s and Q’s of my dietary needs. It helped.
  • I finally got my sleep window back. The person that was staying with us left for a few days to try another possible solution for her. Her stuff and dog are still with us for the moment, but her sleep cycle was so off it had been affecting mine, and she was not able to correct that on her own. I hope her most recent choices are helping with that. I know having solid sleep again helped me a lot.
  • I did the infrared treatments with workouts. It helped.
  • I cuddled with kitties and played with my kids.
  • I took cannabis gummies CBD+THC as needed.
  • I took all my supplements and even resumed using progesterone cream. I started the cream back up after a bout of dizziness. After 2 adjustments, doc told me to do epley’s maneuver to try and fix it. After a few tries that solved much of the dizziness, but not all. So my next guess was low progesterone again. After a good heaping dose of cream the dizziness subsided. So now I’m doing my best to remember to use it every day again. I had to use it during pregnancy and between having my two children, but since Katherine was born I have not been good at using it consistently. Apparently I need to. It has helped.
  • I scheduled an appointment with a doc to get my thyroid meds renewed. I’ve been stretching doses and compensating with iodine and seaweed. It is not a perfect fix, so the script being renewed will help some. Even with the script my needs fluctuate. There is no perfect fix in western medicine, but the script does make it somewhat easier. It will help.
  • I will have some proper socializing this afternoon. The second instance in 9 months (outside of my mom’s visit and talking to my husband daily).
  • Finally, I righted my sunshine deprivation. I had gone too many days where all daylight hours were spent inside working. I sat with my eyes to the sun yesterday morning before my first client. It was about 40 min of glorious sunshine. It helped, but I took it a step further since we are in gloomy winter and sun is unreliable. So, after my workout last night, I made friends with a tanning bed for the first time in my life. My gym membership includes access to one, so I tried 5 min. I’m glad I started there as my sun starved skin turned a tinge pink. Between the two sources of light yesterday I do feel significantly better, and I told my husband it helped enough I will do it again.

With all 12 elements, I feel safely out of the hole, but there is still a lingering nagging blanket of negativity that I am aware of. The blanket is no longer threatening to silence me, but it hasn’t been destroyed. I still don’t know the source, only that it is taking literally every ounce of everything I’ve got to keep it at bay.

I now know for certain that I am capable of saving my own life, and I can and do frequently fight off depression on my own. This time I needed one person to take a relatively small action for me and it was a huge relief. I am glad that I reached out and asked for that help.

Most of the time I know that when depression wins, it’s because of a major failure on my part- usually with the diet exercise combo. This time I had had no such huge failures, even Thanksgiving was extremely close to my dietary needs. So, it still leaves me feeling like the negativity is external. Maybe it’s a sense of the collective still being in fear, maybe it’s a sense of those around me that are struggling, maybe it’s collecting too much from clients, and maybe it’s really some of all of it.

All I know is that I am having to do everything perfectly to even keep it at a safe distance.

Abraham tells us that with practice it’s supposed to get easier. For me it hasn’t. It’s easier for me to figure out how to fit everything in now, but the practice is as complex as ever, and having to be perfect is not evidence of becoming easier.

Where’s my ‘it gets easier’ Abraham?

Just curious.

Anyway, may you have easier, simpler puzzles to maintain your mental-health. May you have a generally easy go of life in general. May you be happy and healthy mostly. May you love and enjoy your life.

Om Shanti