Tag Archives: healing

Flogging Story So Far

Listen: https://youtu.be/BZGkxlLZZsM

I am thanking God I’m alive, yet acknowledging that Nathan and my couple of friends might be sick of my fitness puzzle updates, I thought I’d write it out. My story so far does make me who I am, and currently it’s kinda pissing me off.

Despite having birthed 2 children, losing weight during pregnancy, to reach 190 pounds twice; I’m shaking my head as to why the eff I’m hovering between 200-225 now.

At this point I can honestly acknowledge that I’m doing spectacular by all reasonable definitions. I already knew I was doing decent, but there were a few people that thought I wasn’t eating enough and thus causing my body to think it was starving. Because of their doubts I began to use my Samsung Health Tracker app to its fullest potential to find out for certain if my knowing was accurate or if their doubts were.

I have to say, except for the fact that it doesn’t track the calories I burn doing deep tissue massage, I’m really enjoying the accuracy and details it allows me to track. When I enter food I can pick brands, specify my particular serving, even down to individual ingredients for things like my breakfast shake, and it does all the math for me. I love it.

As you can see below, my worst day of food intake (when I’m at the old job) is the number of calories that many people consume as normal. Yet, for me that now only happens once or twice a month. Most days fall more in the range of what I took in on the 26th, which is more of the 850 to 1100 calories. Which, by the way, gives me plenty of energy. I actually struggle more on the high calorie days, because usually those involve succumbing to my food allergies.

That reminds me of a cartoon that Nathan found a few days ago…..(he’s been sharing memes on this topic with me because I’m ranty about it, he’s trying to help me find levity.)…

Anyway, I find it interesting that my nutrient balance score is low. I have been watching that score system and basically I get a better score when the protein to carb ratio is in a certain range. Unfortunately, I usually eat few carbs. My food intake still has carbs, but much lower ratio than most people. I also try to focus on healthy fats and I eat seafood or use pea protein powder for my proteins since I have had issues recently with red meat and never did do well with dairy or soy. I’m betting they factor that into their algorithm as well.

Moving on: in addition to these super healthy lower calorie days, I’m getting plenty of exercise. Beyond doing massages- which do burn calories, I’ve been doing more yoga and core exercises (leg lifts, variety of crunches, and planks) and walking a ton. Today I’ve done 30 min of yoga, about 40 min of core exercises, and then took an hour walk, keeping up pace with my Flogging Molly mix. My app only counted one of my jogging bits as running, but I picked up the place several times during my walk to keep up with the music. That’s despite the cold weather. *I really do love Flogging Molly for exercise.* My average steps per day is generally over that which the app recommends with few exceptions, and the one high-calorie day I hit 18,000 steps, nearly 8 miles of walking!

I’ve also been reeling in my blood sugars, finally getting my fasting numbers to begin to normalize. I have to say that the walking increase has helped with that, but making sure my dinners are on the light side also did. And blood pressure never was a concern, but I’m logging them anyway to make sure it stays that way.

My stress levels are even doing great and even when I push my speed with the walking/jogging I’m still keeping lower heart rates.

I swear that this meme is too true. Too close to home, but still funny.

Damn those genetics.

Anyway, I’m definitely feeling like all my work should amount to something visible. I have nothing to show for 4 months of dedicated exercise and food control. Except slightly better blood sugars. Oh well, I suppose I know, and regardless of people’s assumptions, I still know I can lift my husband (and most of the people I work on). I’m healthy despite having an obese body. Rawr.

I’ll leave you with 2 appropriate funny memes, and my usual blessing.

May you know your hard work matters. May your determination net visible results. May you see your improvement, and may you enjoy a healthful life.

Siva Hir Su

Learning to fly again.

This week has carried a heavy weight. One I’ve born alone as usual. Moving on from anything can be hard, but when there’s a strong energetic connection it’s even harder.

I counseled with an old acquaintance, had her reach for a less biased intuitive approach. In the end my desire to move on was relevant and she suggested some things to do to help. I was very appreciative of her input and validation of things I had felt and known. It did help some with a better understanding of why certain elements played out as they did, and was the nudge I needed to align with my physicality of moving on.

A short while later, I broke down while working on one of my elderly clients and through silent tears mentally begged Archangel Michael to help do for me what I do for others everyday: please take the pain away. It was after dinner and there was no sun, but the song “Sun Light” was stuck in my head, and I instinctively looked up to the ceiling for the closest light I could find. That made the tears pour down heavily, and I did feel significant relief. I did my best to remain quiet so my lady wouldn’t know I was crying while massaging her back. Several times that evening I had very similar repeats, ending with Nathan cutting cords on me utilizing some of the tips the acquaintance had given.

Today I’m sad, but functional and feeling significantly lighter. Most of the weight has lifted and I’m feeling like moving on is less daunting.

I told Nathan I want to, knowing it’s not going anywhere, but I had loved the idea of it/them, the interaction and energy of it all, so much that it hurts to let go and move on. Plus I can’t negate the connection I formed with the person and the very real emotions that connection carried regularly. I feel like I’m breaking my own heart. I said the law of attraction says you’re supposed to believe it and hold onto the belief, but it’s just not going to happen, so now I feel like I don’t know what to believe. Both Nathan and the acquaintance told me that it’s no reason to quit trusting my intuition, but that is where my distrust is the strongest right now. In time maybe I’ll trust myself again, just not today.

I feel like I also am holding distrust toward others as well, and I’m doing my best to let go of that. New people aren’t necessarily going to hurt me, logically I know that, but emotionally I’m so afraid of being hurt I’m holding others away. There is definitely a healing process when things don’t go as hoped or expected, and right now I’m smack dab in the middle of it.

Then the universe sent me a message. A wounded butterfly.

As I picked up the butterfly, the song “Broken Wings” played in my head. The poor monarch had one wing that wasn’t working, and it’s so cold now that if I had left it on the sidewalk it would have died by morning. I let it climb me and as I went into Whole Foods I saw the mum display and gave it a warm new home. That was its best chance of survival, but regardless it could lay eggs and start the life cycle over.

I’m like that butterfly, and the song. I need to give myself my best chance at a fresh start. I need to take my broken wings and learn to fly again. That means I must do my best to regain buoyancy and look forward. I must find a way to trust myself and others again, and I must stay disconnected from what was at all costs.

I must reach for better and learn to love and live again.

May you have healing moments, especially for your heart. May the angels take your pain and grief. May you trust yourself and others, and learn to live on. May you feel God’s grace and God’s healing. Finally, may you find love, and may you learn to fly again.

Siva Hir Su

When gifts are hard to handle.

I’m listening to “Wave Wet Sand” by Ace of Base… really it’s the first track I played to start their “Bridge” album… it’s somehow fitting for the afternoon I’ve had.

I feel like God’s love is sometimes the elusive thing that song is about.

I had an empathic moment that I was fairly certain I understood, but upon asking the person I thought it connected to, I was told I was wrong. I felt horrible afterwards, especially like I was an idiot to say anything. I thought they would understand, but I ended up feeling like a freak of nature. I’m still not sure if I was right and they were freaked out by my bringing it up, or if I was wrong in my interpretation to begin with.

Empathic energy is not an exact science at the best of times, but I get things right enough of the time that it bodes very well in my massage work. I just usually don’t tell people. All they know is they leave the massage feeling tons better than they went in. The woman I referenced a couple posts ago is a rare exception.

After several apologies for screwing up, I told the person it’s why I don’t have any great friends and few mediocre ones. They said yeah, it seems like it would be a blessing and a curse.

It really is.

When I’m right and in a position to help, I’m able to use Reiki and massage to release all kinds of things and help people feel so much better.

Other times, like with the Indian person, I feel such a intense things, and in that instance they ran. I still don’t know if it caused fear, or if they thought I was crazy, or if it was just simply too much for them to handle. Regardless, I gave my heart to them and had it tossed away like garbage. That hurts.

I want to believe I had things right and the love was real, but because of how that journey ended I simply don’t know. Furthermore, I’m now gun-shy. This afternoon felt too much like a repeat. I can’t fight another battle like that again. I won’t fight for anything at this point and I’m likely to just keep everything to myself from now on.

I told Nathan, on the way home from work, thank you for being able to handle me and not being afraid of me. I told him how much I appreciate that he understands all of me and is able to help me so often.

I will do my best to keep doing God’s work, but from here on out I’ll do it quietly unless they really, really nag me otherwise. I may be strong in a lot of ways, but there’s no need to carry the extra burden of rejection unnecessarily.

May you understand your gifts from God fully. May you feel accepted and understood. May you know you’re doing good and feel loved. May your gifts from God be easy to carry and easy to fulfill.

Siva Hir Su

Validation

Last night at about 10 PM I received a notification to watch this video, it kept me up late, but was much appreciated validation:

Watch “*DF Light Workers* IMPORTANT Mary Magdelene Call to Action, Light Activations & New Type of “Union”” on YouTube https://youtu.be/Xg896KEBC_s

It was after my 7:30 energy thing that has been happening. Last night at dinner I felt overwhelming grief. I attributed it to the purge of moving on from the boy, at least that particular 3D manifestation of my divine masculine. Nathan suggested I go lay down for a bit to clear the emotions, and shortly after I felt the same energy cycle that’s been happening nearly nightly for the last month. I asked the divine and Archangel Michael to help me flow the healing energy to the source of the pain, and especially to those still connected to my heart. It took a while, but I did clear the emotions and get to feeling better.

I got up, spent time with my kids, and then started watching little videos with Katharine. The usual animated cute videos and animal funnies, a few musically talented individuals too. Katherine, having had a mild sinus infection, really enjoyed the videos on my lap.

Then the notification popped up.

I started the video and when she got to the point where she was talking about spiders and hearing a new frequency, I had to pause the video.

She was literally describing things that had happened to both me and Nathan in the last week. Nathan had seen the blue lights and I had had a dream of spiders so vivid that I woke to see one on my pillow. You have to know: I hate spiders, but in an effort to not smack Katherine or Nathan in their sleep I grabbed my phone to provide enough light to kill the spider, and it had vanished. I turned on my flashlight and checked the whole bed and it was gone. It didn’t crawl away, I had seen a spider that wasn’t even there. Creepy, and it took me a while to get back to sleep that night. That was about 4 days ago. This lady had done her video 8/24-8/25.

*Someone cue the twilight zone theme song. *

I also acknowledged that I had been having a different sort of ringing in my ears than usual, and that fit with her description of a new frequency. So ok, Nathan and I continued listening. It meshed with many of the questions I’ve had recently.

I’m just not sure what to do with it all.

I know this process she’s taking about, has all of us which are feeling it, being led to be honestly, authentically, ourselves. So much so, that I went ahead and linked my blog to my LinkedIn, since it’s the closest thing to social media that I participate in.

After acknowledging that I’m not alone, I feel like I need to have guts enough to be one of the voices saying: I’m experiencing it too.

BECAUSE that was my first big relief when the divine shit hit the fan and got all over me. I had a WTF moment, followed by videos that explained I’m one of many. So, now I feel the need to share, yes I’m experiencing it too, so that others have the relief of “I’m not alone”.

Now what?

Only God knows that.

  • We’re all in agreement something is happening.
  • We’re all experiencing our particular gifts get stronger, and I’ve had tons of validation of that with clients both in the clinic and in elder facilities.
  • We’re all feeling called to forgive ourselves and others and find unconditional love as much as possible.
  • We’re all experiencing an increase in speed and accuracy of manifesting desires. (Or even sloppy thinking resulting in quick manifestations.)
  • An awful lot of us are hung up on child bearing, and as many or more of us have had relationships just like my online boy- which at this point may have been an Ai ruse. I suppose we’ll all eventually find out the reality of that or not.
  • Regardless of our ‘ghosting’ internet connections, all of us are experiencing love via our spirit half. Twin flame as many call it. Feeling, seeing, hearing- all with a someone not physically present, but brought on with the online relationship.
  • That love connection is pushing boundaries for many. Opening eyes and changing paradigms. – For me being bisexual, I have realized in many ways Nathan holds my divine feminine role, or at least part of it. I’ve experienced many of the things that are being lumped as divine feminine myself, but I’ve also felt like I was being referenced as divine masculine at times too (work-a-holic). And then there’s feeling and hearing these other 2 or 3 people, and having difficulty separating them into feminine and masculine. That’s all nothing in comparison to the paradigm pushing I’ve caused in others over polyamory. This wave is really just smashing the cultural box we’ve lived in for so long.
  • We’re acknowledging this is happening in mass, all over the world, and to people of all religions, but generally is seeming to impact younger generations in a greater way. The older generations are either not admitting to it, or not feeling it as strongly. There are few like my Nathan (56) that admit stuff is happening, but he even says his changes are minimal compared to what he’s witnessing me go through. He keeps saying he’s just trying to keep up with me and my needs, and I feel the same about keeping up with the divine.

There you have it, that’s what I’ve noticed so far. That’s the common threads I’m seeing, and the video has some additional commentary.

If you too are experiencing things, you’re not alone. We can just hang in, support each other, share the love, and do our best to keep up with the divine.

I know for me, I fall under the healer/medic she referenced in the video and on one hand it’s greatly helped my work, on the other I feel like one misstep could be disastrous. I’m being very careful to take care of me, even if it means it cuts something else short.

Every day I ask the divine to help me do my work for God in the best most efficient way possible. I honor my skills as being my gift from God and I’m grateful to be able to help mankind in this way. Just like my post from yesterday. I know we will get through, and there will eventually be clarity, but I just have to keep reminding myself of that and do my best to keep up with what is being asked of me.

May you know you’re not alone. May you feel loved and supported. May your paradigm shift be gentle, and your gifts great. May you know and believe you’re doing God’s work and you are supported. May you find the best outcomes in your manifestations, and feel your connection to your divine aspects.

Many blessings everyone. Be well.

Siva Hir Su

Postpartum contrast playground.

So the bliss of birth adrenaline & endorphins only lasted me about 2 days this time, and the crash afterward was pretty harsh. My hormones fell off almost the exact same time I started having excruciating pain from nursing. However, my woes with my body are not all that’s happened in the last 2 weeks.

Long story short, I got the short straw genetically speaking when it came to having babies and in nursing too.

In the not so short story, Ian was tongue tied, so we thought pain was related to that and I dealt as best as I could, knowing his mild tongue-tie would grow out; that is until thyroid shutdown happened and I quit producing milk at all.

This time I went in doing my best to tackle both preemptively. However, the diet dictated that some of the milk production tools were off limits third trimester. Then baby was born and she had no tongue-tie at all. She latched just fine straight away, or it appeared so from outside. I started taking milk boosters right away, but immediately discovered nutritional intake & hydration seemed to play a more important role. I also wondered if one or more of the milk boosters was giving little Katherine gas and making her very uncomfortable. Then the pain started.

Initially I thought it was all for having gotten plugged up on a poor hydration day right after birth. So we started doing things I did with Ian: hot compresses, painful massages to force milk flow, hot showers, and very intense pumping. At one point I cranked the strength of the pump up to maximum and in drawing out a plugged spot, I bled. Not good, and so not fun, it scabbed and pain got very severe. Right side was so sore that I favored left and within hours the left hurt even more.

Imagine if you will an ice pick being jabbed into the center of your breast while an infant sucks on it, that’s pretty much what it felt like. I cried through multiple feedings. Because I was struggling with nursing, the midwife’s assistant came and did a weight check, & discovered baby was gaining just fine, great in fact.

They then offered suggestions: nipple shield to help heal, use more nipple butter and more frequently, lecithin supplement to help encourage free flow of milk, and pump milk to dropper feed if necessary (to avoid bottle attachment).

I did all, but wasn’t noticing improvement. 2 days later I took to actually bandaging my nipples with a mixture of nipple butter, lavender essential oil, triple antibiotic, and colloidal silver gel. I made sure to do that in between every nursing, and would pump after nursing to try to keep ducts clear. Eventually the scabbing fell off to reveal large deep cracks & holes in my nipples. 2 more days of the bandaging and the pain finally started to back off.

I’m now in the still painful, but not to the point of tears range. Improvement.

In all of that mess I was drowning in Advil hoping to help the pain, but I ended up reacting to the Red40 coating so much that I spent 2 days with flu-like symptoms including full body aches and severe chills, without a fever.

After consulting with midwife again, she said some moms just get the chills from postpartum shifts in hormones and fluids, but she did say the body aches was an addition that might just be me. I pulled up enough out of the pit of sucky to put two and two together and switched pain relievers to acetaminophen (red free), and amazingly within 12 hours the depression, body aches, and chills ceased. I wasn’t up to rose colored glasses yet, but I wasn’t wanting to give up either, a big improvement.

At this point, with breast healing started, and pain mostly under control, I’m maybe 80% to figuring out what all happened.

So far I’ve figured out:

The baby having gas so bad does seem to correlate to either my milk tea blend of one of the supplements, so I have some more adjustments to figure out which.

I am having to stay strict on my diet, but it seems I can and should be consuming more sugar/carbs to keep my milk supply tasty for baby’s desires. So far that’s mostly manifested in nuts, chocolate, and fruit. Side note: I’ve lost about 45 pounds this pregnancy, & I’m back to where I was when I gave birth to Ian, 100 pounds lighter than my heaviest. Healthy baby too.

And the cracking & holes in my nipples that induced such horrific pain seems to be less about baby’s latch, and more about me having “flat nipples”. I put it in quotations because they’re not literally flat, the description that got us to that decision essentially said flat nipples are nipples that don’t stretch easily or as far as is normally expected, and thus damage is caused to the nipple during nursing. So wonderful, right?! To that end my efforts will eventually work, but I’ll have to be diligent with goo & shields until I’m fully healed.

———-

In other news….

We’ve been wearing baby a lot, especially with the gas troubles & nursing troubles, wearing her has soothed her nerves. We wore both Ian and Anya when they were littles, and have found 3 slings from previous, a Moby and 2 4-strap slings. I wanted to find the ring slings that I’d made and saved, but we have yet to find those, so we’ve used scarves and sarongs as substitutes. It works. Really, the difference is: moby style slings are best for long snuggle front wearing, 4-strap slings are better for kids that can hold their head up to be hauled backpack style, and ring slings or scarves/sarongs are good for impromptu short front or side wearing. The bonus of a ring sling over scarves is they’re easily adjustable and have a tail that doubles as a nursing hood, some even have pockets in the tail for small items like phone, keys, Binki, etc. They’re really convenient, and I love them. Today I chose one of my purple scarves though and it worked pretty well.

She’s so beautiful that complete strangers have stopped & commented the couple of times we’ve been out with her. I also can’t get over her black hair & eyes, neither Nathan or I have black. His is very dark brown, but still very much brown. How she got black only god or science can explain.

I’ve also enjoyed snuggling baby & kitties, all our cats are doing well with baby.

————

We also did get another step of basement work done. The wall at the end of the furnace went up & was trimmed out, & since big things were done we cleaned up the space to be our multipurpose room. It’s coming along nicely.

We even started to pull out electronics & organize our belongings. I don’t know if the TV will stay where it is (on top of the Ikea cubby shelves seperating Ian’s room), but it works for now.

I’m glad there’s progress happening, especially in the realm of pain relief. Even if it’s been a hard could of weeks, it’s still been worth it.

ReBirthing

Normally re-birthing is a process that happens over a few hours in a therapists office. It’s a very specific process that is intended to uncover and work through issues that center around birth and very early childhood, and the resulting body-memory/energy/emotional-set-point  that a person could potentially carry indefinitely.

For me, I have essentially experienced this as a gradual unwrapping over approximately the last 2 weeks (a bit more perhaps). It as happened in little snippets of those intuitive flashes I reference so often. For me the flashes happen as images, short clips like YouTube videos or memories, and sometimes feelings, sounds, and even muscle memory. Anyway, I’m going to relay my unfolding to the best of my ability, and what it has helped me figure out, so that others might be able to glean similar progress.

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The Facts I know of my birth from parental stories:

-I was delivered by Cesarean (c-section). My mom was lightly sedated, so upon delivery my father was the first to hold me. Story goes I immediately peed on him and the nurses has to change his gown.

-My mom had blood sugar issues, but no treatment. It was a time when gestational diabetes was still a new-ish diagnosis and diet suggestions were made but not even strictly enforced, no medications were used because they were not widely accepted as safe during pregnancy.

-The doctor was a short man (my dad thought that was hilarious and has joked about it repeatedly over my life) that needed a step stool for delivery. His name Dr. Gupta, he was from India.

-At birth I was Jaundice and spent a few days in critical care nursery. My level of jaundice was so intense my skin looked orange and my dad nicknamed me pumpkin. I also didn’t want to eat for several days, but was tickled into nursing/bottle feedings to keep me hydrated. It necessitated at least an hour of direct sunlight (4 hours suggested) daily to help bring the jaundice down. It took about 2 weeks for my skin to return to relative normal color.

-At the time my mom was the only significant income in the family, so she only had 2 weeks off  (whatever the minimum was for the incision to heal) and went back to work.

———-

Facts about me in general:

-I require regular sunlight or I get depressed.

-I have been told I’m borderline diabetic and was considered Gestational Diabetic during my son’s pregnancy/birth. I controlled the pregnancy and my current state with Diet, Exercise, and certain Supplements.

-When I am very depressed or in a moment of severe negative emotions, my inclination is always to rock myself. I literally sit in a quiet space and close my eyes and rock my body back and forth like in a rocking chair. It is nearly always the only thing that helps when I’m at my worst.

-I don’t believe that I have actual conscious brain memory of my birth, but there is possibility of subconscious memories or body/muscle memory.

——

The intuitive flashes I’ve “received”, which may or may not be 100% accurate, please know that these all happened in meditative space, I have not consumed any mind altering drugs:

-I had a visual clip of the doctor rocking and rocking my bassinet in the nursery and humming/singing quietly to me.

-I had a similar clip of my dad’s early interactions, lots of bouncing, holding me and touching me with furrowed brows and very stiff movements. Another clip of the moment after I peed on him, being held in mid air (almost like Simba from Lion King) while nurses wiped my dad off and put a new gown or blanket over him.

-I had a moment where I felt the sensations of the rocking in the nursery, the lights seemed too bright so I closed my eyes, I felt very scared and wanted to cry, and then the rocking started and the humming/soft singing started shortly after.

-I had a moment where I felt very scared because I didn’t know where mom went. Dad was there but I really felt like “I want mom”, again making me feel like crying.

-I had a visual of my mom in the rocking chair by the window (at home), rocking me and singing.


My current interpretation based on all of those elements put together:

Mom was all I knew before birth. I perceived her as being my protector. Yet, she was unable to protect me from sugar, and I got far too much sugar while in-vitro. She did her best, and especially after birth, once I was home, she really worked hard to try and make up for it, rocking and rocking me, singing to me, like the doctor had done.

My dad loved me, but being a man from his generation, didn’t really understand how to interact lovingly with a newborn. Men were simply not taught how to do that. He was doing his best, but I as an infant without words could tell he was just different from mom, and I wanted the feeling place of mom, really I wanted the feeling place of what the doctor started.

As an adult I’ve learned a lot about alternatives. I perceive the doctor, even though he functioned through western medicine, probably had beliefs regarding spirit and it’s ability to heal because of his upbringing. I think that immediately he saw a beautiful baby girl, that was very special (I’m certain that my skin tone evoked memories of certain rituals in India) and that he knew I needed a little extra TLC. I think he was so touched by my appearance that he simply wanted to help me heal. He would have gone to his upbringing and did what would have been done in India. Attempting to connect me with my inner self, my spirit, to heal my body. So, he didn’t hold me directly, knowing that babies can get attached to those first few people in their lives. He rocked my cradle and sang to me, helping to calm me and soothe me so that my body could heal.

Now he probably thought that not actually holding me for any length of time exempted him from me getting attached. Unfortunately my new understanding is that I did anyway. For the first few days of my life, he was the only significant interaction outside of my mother at nursing time. Holding me or not, his interactions helped to soothe me and did help to heal me, so I attached anyway. His presence was a God send in an otherwise harsh sterile environment, and I now have no doubt that it was a major influence in decisions that I have come to over time. I simply didn’t know that I was making decisions based upon that interaction.

What do I mean?

I went searching for that feeling place early on in life. I was in 4th grade the first time I tried someone else’s church: a Pentecostal church (prior to that we’d gone solely to dad’s Mormon church). The Pentecostal church was fun, but didn’t give me that feeling. By the end of middle-school I’d been to the Quakers, Lutherans, Methodists, and Catholics. By high-school I’d read the Bible (blaech-boring and so damn convoluted with contradictions), Sidhartha, most of the Tao de Ching, and had looked up tons information on Confucianism and Zen Buddhism. I was a junior in high-school the day that my friend Erin invited me to her home, which doubled as the Buddhist temple, to speak with Lama Renpoche. It was a very expansive experience, being 2 hours of 5 high-schoolers speaking with an esteemed Buddhist leader. It answered some of my questions, but not all of them. It was about that time that I started learning about Paganism and Hinduism. Between the knowledge of the 3 paths, I found mine. I called myself pagan, because no other label really fits, no one box label is truly accurate, because honestly I just blend what works for me. Adding hindsight about the birth, explains why I resonate with mantras, it’s likely that that is what the doctor was singing to me. Regardless the feeling place of being rocked in the cradle with the mantras being sung is evoked when I meditate, and I would not have found meditation if not for learning about Buddhism and Hinduism. So the attachment to that doctor guided me to find the knowing.

Fast forward, and my birth again guided me when I went to have Ian. I knew that I wanted my child to have an amazing birth. A loving birth. Essentially, I wanted my child to have the experience that I was denied, I wanted the opposite of my birth. I went to great lengths to ensure a home water birth while having “Gestational Diabetes”. I stuck to it because I was deciding for someone that had no say. And I did.

Ian’s birth was nearly perfect. 12.5 hours of labor, as gentle as could be. Soothing warm water surrounded me for three quarters of it. Ian was born in occiput posterior (OP) position (really most of labor was that way), but my midwife was unfazed by the positioning and so I was fine too. I knew I was in capable hands and that helped the birth experience go great. Ian was born, and with the exception of a very brief removal of the cord from his neck, I was the first person to hold, to touch my child in those soothing warm waters. Dad (Nathan) reached forward around me and held his tiny hand. It was a very soothing wonderful experience. Even when we finally got out of the birth tub, it was 10 steps to bed and cuddle time for essentially 24 hours straight. Blissful.

I have said and will continue to say that Ian’s birth went as perfectly as any mom could expect, and I know that a major part of that was my willingness to do whatever that took with diet, exercise, and mindfulness.

The only thing that I would have changed was how much time I took off of work afterward. I too was the sole income for our little family (perhaps another remnant of my birth re-manifesting), so I only got 3 weeks off and even during that 3 weeks I did work a little. I sincerely hope that Ian can forgive me for that when he gets older. We minimized my working as much as possible, but when you are the only source of money, it’s unavoidable to return to work sooner than you’d like.

My birth experiences as a baby led to greater effort on my part and decisions that produced entirely the opposite experience for my child. I am ever so grateful for that. I can not fully put into words the relief I felt when I realized that. It was a very healing realization.

That being said, I love myself even more. I appreciate that I was able to undo a well accepted and well established “necessity” to provide my child a loving birth. I appreciate that the energy of the birth experience far outweighed my desire to take the easy route with medicine and a hospital birth. I appreciate that my efforts will likely turn into better manifestations for my son later in his life, and hopefully a better understanding of my love for him.

—–

The only thing that remains from my rebirthing is this cycle of Indian men ‘loving and leaving’. I can see the pattern now. I can see that I keep inviting them into my life when I need help the most, my darkest hours. And like the doctor at my birth they duck out when the worst of the storm is over. It’s really more of a quiet unnoticed exit, as in you can’t see me, so now is my chance. This latest man is the 3rd such repeat of this cycle: one when I was a child in school, and the other -Rajesh- as an adult.

At this point, now that I see the pattern, I find myself reiterating that I would like for one of them to stay. I would like for one of them to love me enough to be a permanent part of my life. As much as I appreciate the healing they provided, I want to wipe the idea of detached from their slate. And perhaps it’s because I can see that even though they tried to remain detached, there is really no such thing. If I have these memories, I have these feelings, I have these associations, then there is an attachment- for better or worse.

You don’t remember things that you don’t care about. Do you remember what color your shoelaces were on a pair of shoes from 3rd grade? Do you remember what you ate for lunch the 3rd Monday of 4th grade? Do you remember all of your clothes from your entire childhood? No they were things that you were not attached to, so your brain didn’t lock them away. You might remember your favorite item or events from each school year, or your most precious toys, but you won’t remember them all. You simply didn’t attach to them all.

To me attachment is an inevitable subtle side-effect of caring. When you care, it affects you, and then you remember those things, those events, those places, those people. I want the things that affect me in that way to leave happy feelings, like childhood vacations and favorite meals.

Yet, my current experience of 3 of the 4 Indian men in my life is regret. Regret that I wasn’t able to convey my appreciation for them being there. Regret that they got away without knowing truly how much they helped me. Wishing that I had said or done something that would have led them to reconsider leaving. Wishing that they could have taught others in my life a better way (though that mostly pertains to the doctor in regards to my dad’s interactions).

So, it all boils down to love (thanks Ms. Hay :/ ). Those are all symptoms of love. Those are all aspects of interactions based on love. I couldn’t tell them that they helped me and that I loved them for it, and yet those that remained in my life were somehow unable to do what those men did. It also boils down to my ability to love myself and find that connection. Those men taught me how, but I don’t seem to be able to maintain it consistently to this day. I can’t spend all day sitting in the sun rocking myself and singing mantras. I can’t convince myself indefinitely that things will really be all right. Oh, I have my moments like that, I can do it for a few minutes here and there, even a few  hours at a time, but all day every day is where I slip. I have yet to find their level of zen. SO then I want them to stay, because maybe I could absorb it vicariously through them.

That’s probably not healthy either. It must be another lesson on learning to love myself. I find it interesting that every layer of the onion produces one round of healing and another yet to solve. I love and forgive myself over birthing experiences, but have yet to figure out a way to love and heal myself in regards to interactions with other adults. Perhaps the point at which my memories of the men no longer carry regret, I will have one decide to stay. But maybe that is just a belief needing revised too. Some days I feel like all of my work is on myself, and that the interactions with life are merely the filler.

 

 

 

“Help is on its way.” -Abraham Hicks

The sentiment is that if you relax and let the energy flow,  that your body can return to it’s natural state of healing and health. It also can be applied to attempting to live in the vortex and allow good things to flow into your life.

Lately, I find that I am working on acknowledging that repeatedly. This week I had a couple of weak days. I had an awful time finding peace, calm, and clarity, and it seemed my body ached.

I asked the friend from massage school that I’ve reconnected with, to send some prayers for me. I needed a bit of help. He offered some kind words, and I appreciated that greatly. He’s very christian and so his words were from his perspective, but even in the state I was in, I could read the broader meaning and it helped some.

I slept and the next morning I woke to a very full email box. As I was going through emails I opened one stating that it was full of inspirational quotes. The link took me to the quotes, and a pop-up for Louise Hay’s newsletter blinked up before I could even really read the quotes. I looked at it and said sure, I do like Ms. Hay’s writings and teachings. Upon submitting my info, another resulting pop-up gave me the link to download one of her live sessions. IT was super helpful and instantly helped me raise my vibration.

Essentially, it spoke of the transition period when you begin to rise your vibration and change your thought patterns for the better. How there can be an uncomfortable period of oscillation between the higher more positive vibrations and your previous lower ones.

I knew that was an answer to the prayer that I’d asked Evan to send for me, and it also directly answered my burning question from the days prior. My original question was essentially why is it that I had a really really good day on Tuesday and then spent Wednesday and Thursday down. I knew as soon as Ms. Hay said it, that it was my oscillation. A temporary result of practicing being in a better feeling place. Ms Hay suggested to just let those emotions flow, not hold onto them, and definitely give yourself as much love as ever to help the lower period pass more easily. I spent all of Friday practicing just that and sure enough by lunch time I was feeling better and by the end of the day I was right as rain again.

Ms. Hay warned that the oscillation period can be a challenging time, but that if you stick to practicing the better feeling thoughts that eventually you will have less oscillation and then eventually clear the other side all together. I look forward to those days. I do like the idea of improving my state of being. I like knowing I can change. It’s definitely difficult, but I foresee it being completely worth it, so I’m sticking this one out for the long haul. I will get myself together and figure all of this out. Help is indeed on its way.

 

 




Even healthier.

So despite my physical size,  I think I’m now healthier at this point than 90% of America. I actually had a person tell me yesterday I’m not consuming enough calories. I had to remind them that it’s all relative.  I’m not starving, I’m not hungry despite consuming 500 to 700 calories on a good day, and about 1000 to 1200 on a bad day.

There are 2 factors for me that qualify this low calorie intake for me personally. 

1) On a good day everything I’ve consumed is green or Salmon(occ. other lean meats)- very low calorie yet high nutrition. 

2) Having low thyroid function and intentionally weening from thyroid meds (so I don’t have to spend my whole life on them),  means acknowledging a slow metabolism. The fewer calories I consume means my body can avoid expending energy through digesting and actually burn fat to create energy. It also can still devote lower energy resources to other body & brain functions. This ultimately means eventually I’ll loose weight, but I can still function normally. It may take me much longer to loose weight than someone with normal thyroid function,  but my body isn’t busy using vital resources to process foods that might also contribute to the damage already done. 

I know that this is accurate for me by the way I feel.  I’m on the lowest dose of thyroid meds yet, and I’ve been taking meds for 2 years. However,  I still feel 10 times better than I  did when I was first diagnosed. I’m not hungry when I drink my green drinks & eat veggies; but when I stray & eat things I shouldn’t, I find that I have an insatiable hunger:  my body is craving the missing nutrients. 

For example let’s look at today’s intake: 

Drinks a plenty,  seaweed snacks,  3 chicken sausage (breakfast)  and 1 salmon jerky bar (lunch). I just finished my bar and I’m feeling full,  credit goes to the drinks,  so let’s look at those. 

Left to right

1) 12 oz bone broth (with my chicken sausage for breakfast)…. apparently this is the miracle drink for healing digestive damage, and so far I would concur,  my body loves it.

2) 32oz green tea with magnesium and iodine drops added

3) 30 oz green tea with Amazing Grass Raw Reserve powder, magnesium,  iodine, and colloidal silver added. 

4) 30 oz water with 3 Tbsp Braggs apple cider vinegar, Stevia, amazing grass again,  & iodine drops

5) 1L- my tea blend (peppermint,  nettles,  raspberry leaf,  spearmint, rose hips, anise, fennel, catnip, and a few other supplemental herbs), amazing grass powder,  magnesium, iodine, colloidal silver,  Stevia 

6) 1.5L of same mix as #5

So as you can see, very high nutrition drinks.  I spend a lot of money to essentially drink super healthy pond water free from bad bacteria! 

Why so much magnesium? My body goes through magnesium like crazy.  I don’t know why,  I just know it does.  I take 6 cheap magnesium,  use A Mag-A-Hol roller, and still put drops in my drinks.  If I miss either the roller or the drops I can take 9 cheap magnesium supplements a day before digestive ramifications occur. That’s A LOT for the average person. If I don’t get  adequate magnesium: inflammation, headaches, and muscle cramps run rampant in me. It’s a whole lottta not fun.  I’ll stick to the magnesium thanks. 

Side note: magnesium requires adequate calcium in your system to absorb properly.  I drink nut milks naturally high in calcium- regularly enough to get a decent amount. Green veggies also have calcium.  Additionally, I take a multivitamin probiotic, and a standard multivitamin to ensure adequate absorption.  The last thing I want is my body leeching my bones of calcium just to take up magnesium. 

I also take way more iodine than doctors recommend,  but  again I feel better and many things function better (especially my brain)  when I’ve had enough iodine. When I don’t,  I may as well be sleeping, because without my iodine- watch out!

My nutrition is through the roof compared to your average Joe. It’s what my body wants,  likely because it’s what is needed to heal damage. So hopefully in a year or two I can say with confidence: “I have  perfect health”.

Now as I’ve said,  this takes massive  willpower, and more often than not I avoid food altogether rather than fight my brain on “I shouldn’t eat that”. It’s not that I don’t eat ever,  but after the last bout of allergy reactions,  I’m seeing that it’s much better to do nutrients over tasty goodies. So my fall downs are less and less every day,  & I’m even figuring out how to keep myself from bored or emotional eating. There  are still those 1200-calorie-bad-food-choice days,  but they are much less plentiful of late.  I’m feeling much better with each passing day.

My self-reward for this is I’m getting my tattoo touched up on Saturday.  I’ll post the results ASAP!

Abuse, forgiveness,  and love offerings. 

I’m drawn (though I don’t really know why) to write again about a mildly uncomfortable topic today.  It’s one that I’m not sure my parents even know about to this day, even though the first time I wrote of the experience was highschool.

Yet, it is an experience that has partly shaped my life and created a vastly different view of abuse and abusers for me, much like my views on death.  It is a part of me and one that I’ve accepted not as a victim,  but more as an experience I’ve had to learn from. 

I’m referencing a situation that I’ll call attempted molestation. 

I was about 8 years old,  and at the time my family was  living in a large mobile home complex in Indiana.  There were many kids of a wide age range in the neighborhood that my brother and I played with.  One boy typically asked to play with my brother, but occasionally would invite both of us,  especially if his younger sister was tagging along.

I remember thinking that something was just slightly off with him, the day that he took the 4 of us out to the field behind an excavated pile of dirt, in an attempt to show us how cool smoking was. He literally pulled out a pile of cigarette butts explaining how he thought they helped him and saying we should try it. After one puff I knew it was not good for me, and to this day I still hate cigarettes and cigarette smoke. I never could understand how someone who was older than me, but still quite young (12 or 13) would want to do that.

Later that summer on several occasions he would stop by our house asking if my brother was able to come out & play.  The first occasion that my brother wasn’t able, he took the opportunity to persuade me to follow him. I still wish I hadn’t been so naive.  He took me into my family’s storage shed and tried to convince me to do what I now as an adult, know to be called a “blow job”. I distinctly remember thinking ‘eew that’s gross’ and leaving.  The boy proceeded to play the ‘same game’ twice more,  and in the 3rd attempt right as I was about to give in, despite protests,  my brother found us and ran him off.

I found out later that my brother punched him several times,  hard enough that he got the message to leave me alone.  For that protective influence I’m still very grateful. 

That fall as school was starting I overheard moms talking at the bus stop. They were discussing that he’d been caught molesting a girl and was in juvie and wouldn’t be in school. I thought surely it wasn’t me, I didn’t tell, and I hadn’t thought my brother had. That means he did the same thing to another girl.  Then one of the mom’s said something to the effect that ‘you know his father had been in prison,  and maybe apples didn’t fall far from the tree’. Later I asked his sister about it in a private secluded location. She demanded that I not tell anyone, and admitted that the dad had been doing similar things to them. I tried to convince her that it was bad & she should tell, but she refused saying it would cause more trouble than it was worth,  they were better off just dealing with it.

This was before reporting laws were in place,  and before interventions were widely accepted or available. All I could think at the time is how horrible it was that they were being abused and couldn’t do anything about it without servere reprecussions. I was determined not to let the experience affect me as severely as it did them. 

With that being said I don’t think it has, affected me- severely that is. I’m not really a victim,  I was naive, and know that in that situation my lack of knowledge was what made things uncomfortable, and was what caused being duped and having difficulty extracting myself from the situation. However,  when I look back I can see that nothing really was accomplished and though I was uncomfortable,  I ended up safe & sound. Be it divine intervention,  or just my big brother being in the right place at the right time,  I was unscathed with only slight mental trauma from the confusing situation. 

As I got a little older,  I wanted to know why this boy thought it was a good idea.  I knew the answer lie in knowing about sex, but that was all I knew. So I went looking for answers.  I started with dictionaries and encyclopedias because that was how I was taught to glean data or useful information. I learned what sex was,  it’s technical names,  that it usually occurred between people of opposite genders, that even gender was referred to as someone’s sex.  However,  none of that really answered my question as to why a boy wanted me to do very specific things to his penis.  Essentially, even as a young child I was acknowledging that knowledge is power and that was why I felt powerless in that situation. 

However,  my need for an answer meant I kept digging.  By the time I was in middle school I was sneaking pornos from my dad’s “secret” collection (he thought he’d hid them well). Let’s just say it not only finally answered my question about the boy,  but it also answered questions I’d had about my own father.

My father was a fairly intense man, often derrogatory toward women,  but would blatantly watch women in public. He was verbally abusive, to us kids and my mom, even in public.  Seeing his porn collection at a young age made lots of his actions make sense. Again, I acknowledged that my father was only perpetuating what he was taught.  It took me years to get to a place of forgiveness with my father. 

As a result I made decisions about sex, relationships,  and interactions with people without really realizing it.  I just thought I’d informed myself.  Hind sight being 20-20 I can see that most of my decisions through informing myself have been beneficial/good, but perhaps not all.

By highschool I told friends in a conversation about sex that “I’d never had sex, but thought I would like it”. Those friends still teased me about that years later. I never did though, I just didn’t want to rush it, looking to have both control and meaningful interactions in that department. 

I finally had sex half way through college,  and even then it was with a couple that I’d chosen because it was safe. I had grown impatient and even though I suspected my relationship with Nathan was growing- heading that direction, I was just ready.  I acknowledged that the couple probably thought they’d found a young chica to gently pry open with wine & a good time,  but I went into the evening with the awareness that they wanted sex,  & I wanted the experience to learn how to handle myself well and interact in that manner.  I knew it wasn’t anything more, I didn’t expect a 2nd night or any kind of relationship. 

 Later Nathan expressed disappointment,  but after discussing it in depth he understood where I was coming from. He had wanted for my first time to be with him & very special. I let him know that I wanted to know what special was by experiencing not special first. I told Nathan that I might not have known he was different/better/special if I had nothing but the attempted molestation to go by. Anything is better than that.  Giving myself a more normal generic sexual interaction gave me a better idea of what was just normal physical interaction and what was the spiritual connection which Nathan and I shared. It helped me feel the difference in the most respectful way I could find. I knew it was appropriate and a positive choice.  I think Nathan agreed in the end. 

Years later,  the boy of my childhood still occasionally comes up, and every time it seems I realize something new. 

At this point I not only forgive the boy for his trespass against me, I understand that the boy was far more a victim than I was.  My heart now goes out to him and I do my best to send him healing energy and love when the experience crosses my mind.  I can’t imagine how his life played out only knowing how to manipulate and force women to interact with him.  Never knowing what real love is like, and probably spending  years in and out of detention centers. His life was essentially ruined before it even got started because of his father, and it’s probably a generations old cycle in that family.  One traumatized person acting  out and creating another traumatized person,  over and over again.  It’s really very sad.

Yet a cycle I managed to escape. Now the experience leads me to choose respectful partners.  I usually prefer to be at least somewhat in control,  or at least on equal ground. I look for proper language,  I look for questions and request for permission. I look for gentle people.  And I do my best to reciprocate in all respects. I don’t expect every interaction to be permanent and extra special, but that’s always the goal: to find my special polyamorous life partners.

Nathan is all of that and more,  without him I’d be crushed & wouldn’t know what to do. I had glimpses of that kind of special with people which ended up being short term relationships,  those people are the ones that still have space in my heart.  My other interactions though not negative, and fully respectful,  were just not quality enough to maintain as relationships,  and that’s ok. I was informed,  I made those decisions willingly,  and I respect the results.  They all served some purpose in my life,  if only to teach me something about myself and my desires and goals. There have been many many people I’ve turned down or flat out ignored because they didn’t show respect and I simply have no tolerance for that. 

You may think that this implies some long list of lovers over the years,  but not really.  Nathan included I’ve been intimate with 16 people and platonic with 4 (Nathan’s other others).

 I cherish each and every one as a valuable learning experience.   

I am grateful for the experience with the boy because it taught me to be as preemptively informed as possible.  It also taught me to step back and evaluate seemingly negative situations to see what I could learn for the future. Additionally, I do personally feel it was a lesson from the divine because of the fact that it could have ended much worse. 

I’m grateful to both the boy and my father because they taught me what not to do (in a do your best kind of way) . They taught me what to look for to avoid more situations like they provided. They taught me how to tell if someone is respectful by their individual distespectful deameanors. I have a strength and confidence now that I might not have had otherwise.  I know that I can deal with a lot,  and what I can’t deal with I can usually escape. I ensure I have enough control in my life to accomplish that at least. 

So yes, those experiences – though negative in nature,  did better prepare me for the world.  They did make me a better person,  and they did make me want to make informed decisions as much as possible.  So, I  not only forgive the trespasses, I give thanks for those experiences and send healing and love to both the boy and my father. I think my father has started to see his errors and I hope that boy has too.

My only wish is that we all see things in this manner and forgive others,  but especially forgive ourselves. Give yourself some love for your learning and growing and in embracing those negatives,  share the love to encourage healing in this big wide world of ours. 

I Had a Dream.

Or Did I?

[Side Note: Still in withdrawal from my phone. Trying to use a laptop for all communications just isn’t working too well. Some things just aren’t possible, so I’m feeling a bit disconnected today, and hoping this post will help.]

This is really a story from a few days ago ( a little over a week ago maybe).

I debated even blogging about it, as I have no proof, it could really just be my mind playing tricks.

It started as a dream; Nathan made some kind of noise as he was getting up to prep for his route, it woke me. I felt compelled to “Go back” and finish what was started, so I proceeded to meditate in the wee hours of the morning to get back to the “Dream” and follow through.

Sitting on the side of the bed I had an amazing experience that I just don’t know what to believe or do with it. So, after mulling over it for quite some time, I’m just going to share it here.


 

I felt like I was dreaming….

There was a dog barking, not unusual, but when it’s close and continuous I tend to want to investigate. I got to the kitchen window facing the driveway and I see a medium sized brown and white spaniel at the end of the driveway with something in it’s mouth. I think ok, it obviously wants me to come out, so I did.

When I get to the dog, it drops what looks like a newspaper in my hand, and I think: oh honey, I’ve got tons of those. I pet the dog on the head and proceed to turn around to head back inside. The weather is warm, but it’s getting dark so I don’t want to linger outside.

As I turn around I see a line of Animals. Left, close to the steps to the house: a black panther. To the right in order of lineup, the female Mountain Lion (from my real-life close run-in months ago), a male Lion, Tiger, and a Brown Bear. I literally think “oh my, it’s like the circus threw up in our yard”, at which point the animals seems to multiply and they start dancing. I just stand Awestruck for a moment.

I realize that something is approaching from my far left, so I turn my attention to that. It’s the black panther from a moment ago, and to the panther’s side is a woman carrying a young girl, they look related.

*That’s when Nathan made the noise and I woke up. I entered meditation and focused on the last image I had of the panther with the woman and child.*

The Panther guided the woman and child toward me. I stepped toward them. I could see the woman looked very concerned, verging on upset. The girl she was holding looked much like her. I could see the girl had lumps on her legs that were discolored like bruises. The girl was very thin, sickly thin, and looked like she was weak. She was maybe about 8 years old. I walked toward them so they were still in the grass when we met. I said to the lady “Don’t be afraid, when a beautiful creature such as this acts in this way, they are trying to help you…. Is this your daughter?”

She replied “Yes”. I asked for their names and  the lady replied “I’m Anna and this is Suzie.” She paused and said that something weird had happened earlier, a hawk had blown on Suzie’s eyes. I explained that any time a wild creature acts in a seemingly gentle manner as that, they are trying to help. I explained that hawks have very good eyesight and perhaps the hawk was trying to bestow some of that eyesight on Suzie.

I asked Suzie if it was OK that I hold her for a moment. She replied yes, and I gently took her from her mom. I noticed mom was still holding a teddy bear and I asked Suzie if she wished to hold her teddy. She said yes and reached for it, but reached the wrong direction. I knew at that moment something was preventing her from seeing correctly. I asked Suzie if she was cold and she said a little. I said OK, we’ll wrap you up in a soft blanket.

We sat down in the soft grass and I covered most of Suzie with a blanket. I was sitting cross legged and had Suzie rest her head in my lap. I had momma sit at her feet. I asked Suzie if she had ever grounded before, and she replied that she didn’t know what that was.

I explained that grounding is connecting to mother earth for stability and strength. I continued to explain that grounding is very helpful if we are struggling to maintain balance in our awake time, or if we feel confused or like we’re going to fall. I added that once we’re grounded we can connect to God and pull the two energies together in our belly in centering, and that it is a very good thing to do to heal our bodies, bring peace to our mind, and feel comforted. I told her it’s a good thing to do that process every day.  I immediately thought to myself: I know how to do this, why don’t I do it for myself very often!?  I refocused and began to walk Suzie through grounding. I told her to put her feet in the grass and feel the cool grass blades tickle her feet. I waited a moment and asked her if her feet felt tingly, she said yes, so I told her to slowly pull that tingly feeling up her legs by clenching her muscles. I described it like pulling on a tug of war rope, but with her leg muscles. Every few moments I would ask her if she felt the tingly sensation reaching a certain spot: ankles, calves, knees, thighs, hips,  belly button, tummy. Finally, I described where the solar plexus is, just below the rib cage in the middle of her belly, and asked if she could find the tingly sensation there. When she said yes, I replied good- hold onto that sensation.

I explained next that we were going to connect to God through our crown, or the top of our head. I said God’s energy feels very light and peaceful, like fluffy white clouds. When we stick our heads up in the clouds all our cares just seem to disappear. I asked her to do that and again gave her a few moments. I then walked her through the same process to pull that light airy sensation down her body into her: head, neck, shoulders, arms, elbows, forearms, wrists, hands, chest, ribs, and into the middle of her belly where she left the mother earth energy. When we got back to her solar plexus I asked her if she could feel the fluffy clouds mixing with the tingly earth, and she said yes it felt really good- warm and fuzzy all over. I said “Good, we’re ready to begin then. … I believe that the animals are here for you tonight. I love all of these animals, and they all have a space in my heart, but they rarely visit me, so they’ve come to help you, and they want me to explain.”

Panther walked up to the little girl and looked at her mom. I said “Panther is very strong and very patient, he’s very fast when he needs to be, but enjoys laying in the sun all day long. Panther is not afraid of anything in the world because he is the biggest and strongest in his world. Panther wants to give you some of that strength and patience, and is inviting you to bask in the sun every day like he does.” After I spoke the Panther sniffed the girl all over and licked her gently in several places, one of which was the leg area I’d noticed earlier. When Panther was finished washing her, he leaned over to her face and nuzzled on her cheek. He then turned to mom, and licked mom’s cheeks, touched his nose to her forehead and sat down in the grass to my left.

Next was Mountain Lion. I explained what I knew of this beautiful animal: “Mountain lion is much like panther in physical abilities and desires, but she is a very good momma. She will do anything to protect her babies and keep them safe. Her love for them is strong enough to defeat even the fiercest threat.  She likes to be alone at times, and is good at keeping an eye on everything from up high. She’s going to give you that love to protect you now.” The mountain lion then proceeded to do much like the Panther. She stopped over the girls heart, gently resting a paw on her chest and purring in the deepest most gentle big cat purr I’ve ever heard. While purring the mountain lion proceeded to rub cheek to cheek. After a minute she stepped back and sat next to Panther.

Next up was Lion. “Lion is the biggest and fiercest of all the cats, he is the king of his territory. Lion has little to no fear, and is a great leader. His strength radiates from him at all times, and everyone can feel that they must respect him. Lion is going to give you more strength and the ability to lead, so that one day when you are better you can do great things for this world. When you start thinking about what you want to do when you grow up, perhaps think about some type of leadership role that benefits animals.” The lion stepped  forth and with an open mouth proceeded to sniff and breathe on the girl. Lion gently touched her belly with his paw, and ended with a really big lick to her face. The girl giggled. Lion sat next to the others.

Tiger stepped forth. ” Tiger is also like Panther, but Tiger is very passionate, tiger always knows why she’s here and what her mission is. Tiger will stop at nothing to complete her mission and will overcome all adversity to do so. Beyond that Tiger has a great beauty, she knows her beauty and carries herself proudly. Tiger is going to help you know why you’re here, what to do, and how to show your beauty.” Tiger, purring the whole way, licked the little girl slowly from head to toe, and then proceeded to join the other big cats.

Finally, Bear stepped forward. I told her: “Bear is a whole different creature. She is a good mother protecting her babies at all costs as well. However, Bear knows when to rest, taking a very long rest each winter. Bear wants you to know that it’s OK to rest when you need it. Bear also knows that it is important to eat plenty of healthy foods: fish and berries and fruits and vegetables, bear will eat almost anything, but loves the bits that are both healthy and tasty. Her diet and her ability to rest are the things that give her such an intense strength enabling her to fight other bears and climb trees and swim long distances. She has much to teach you.” Bear came over and licked the girl several times in several locations. Then bear stood up and let out a fierce roar, very loud and very long. When bear was roaring she raised her paws in the air and at the end of the roar dropped down to earth hard and strong. It sent a beautiful light blue shock-wave of energy so strong that my actual body, sitting in my bedroom on my bed, felt the ripple. A ripple so intense I was nearly in tears. Bear nuzzled the girl and turned and nuzzled the mom, and returned to sit by all the big cats.

I took a long breath, taking in what had just happened. All of a sudden I just knew there was one more animal to visit with. I paused. Then I remembered the dog at the beginning of the dream. I looked around and didn’t see the dog, but could feel it. I waited a moment telling the girl that there was one more animal we were going to meet. When dog didn’t come forth I did the only thing that felt right, I howled like a wolf. Dog came trotting over happily and started licking the girl all over very excitedly. The girl started giggling and as the licking continued the girl started laughing out loud. I told them: “This is your dog, he has the heart of a wolf, fiercely loyal and a great protector, but the mind and body of dog and will be the most gentle and loving pet you’ve ever had.  He will be your sunshine when you can’t make it outside, and will cheer even the most down moments. He will give you a reason to get up every day and will take care of you with his every breathe. Every lick, every nuzzle, will carry healing energy. When this dog comes to you in real life know that he’s there for you and welcome him into your home.” I turn to momma and repeat that “When you see this dog in your experience, make sure he becomes a part of your family, it is very important you take him in when you see him. This dog will follow you both everywhere and will be a guiding force through even your toughest moments. His joy will keep you both afloat if you allow it.” The dog sat down next to the girl and rested his head on her tummy.

I began to wrap up. “I don’t know what the future holds for you two, but I know these animals felt strongly about helping you and providing some much needed and very intense healing energy. Every-time you find that you need a boost, you might be struggling or just plain tired, remember this  experience. It will bring all of those energies back into you for another bit of healing. Use the sensations you saw and felt here, to feel the energies from the animals. It will help you get through another day.”

I look directly into momma’s eyes: “Regardless of what happens, please know that you are being heard, that there is someone doing their best to help, and that even the animal kingdom did their best to provide healing to you and your daughter. You are loved and you are an amazing mom for putting your daughter first when she needed it most. I will continue to send prayers and healing energy for you both, and hold onto the dog. He will get you though everything.”

I paused to let everything sink in.

“I think it’s time you two return home. Panther will lead the way.” And sure enough Panther stood up and momma stood taking Suzie into her arms. The panther guided them off into the dark, and the dog followed at a slight distance.

I breathed a deep heavy sigh, and dropped my head saying a prayer that I hope I had done all the right things.



As I came out of the meditation I felt an overwhelming sense that I had communicated, so overwhelming I was in tears. I just knew that it wasn’t just a dream, and that I had done my best to do some good for someone out in this big wide world. I don’t know who Anna and Suzie are, or if that’s even their real names, but I do know that somewhere out there, there is a mom and daughter fighting a debilitating disease and I’m certain that they have prayed long and hard for healing. I hope that my experience made it through to them and that the animals really did provide healing. The only one I felt myself was bear, and that was because it was so vast and intense. Regardless, I felt like I communicated with animal spirits in a major combined effort to provide much needed healing. I have since sent Reiki to them many times, because every time I think about that experience it brings tears to my eyes.

I don’t know if the dog has shown up for them yet, but from having been at dog shows I knew it was a real breed. I looked up spaniels on Google and the one I saw in the experience was a Kooikerhondje (image courtesy of: DogBreedsPlus), which has a pleasant personality, great for a healing little girl. I really do hope that their dog comes to them, and that the healing form that experience is exactly what Suzie needed for total healing. Finally, I hope that momma reads this so that she knows it was real divine intervention. Sometimes we just need a little validation.

Many blessings to momma and daughter, and many thanks to all of the spirits that made the experience possible. I am willing and able to be your humbled mediator anytime. As Above So Below, So Mote It Be.