Tag Archives: health concerns

Tough girl.

I’m realizing this week that my tough façade is cracking. Life is challenging me in all the ways, and I’m doing my best as always to stay afloat, but my emotions are beginning to show the strain.

On one hand I finally let some of it out today. Like a kettle boiling over, I simply couldn’t hold it in. The amazing J did needles for my arm again, and I think she added one for emotional release and one for sleep because that was the most palpable results, though the sleep hit me like a freight train about 15 minutes after getting up off the table. It ensured I didn’t accomplish anything else involving labor for the rest of my day. The emotions, well they were like little damns crumbling in my body. I’d feel energy turn loose in my arm and then tears would just start running. There were some in other parts of my body, but it was like my right arm was holding the vast majority. Some of the damns were so strong that when they turned loose I’d know what was causing it, and it was intense. At this point the treatment was successful, but it seems some of them have already been retriggered because I have a twinge in my wrist and thumb again. It is also amazing to me that I can tolerate strained muscles being worked on (a fairly brutally painful experience), but in a quiet room with superfine needles in me, I am sensitive enough to feel energy move when science barely has equipment sensitive enough to even register it. It seems in some ways I’ve practiced the tough routine enough it actually counts.

Everything is a work in progress.

So then on the other hand, post treatment and emotional releases I’m processing what that means.

My tough girl façade is just that. I never wanted to be that, I didn’t set out aiming for it. It happened because I learned to do it from all the boys in my family. Be tough, suck it up, and keep moving like nothing happened. It was expected, and in middle school I learned it was the only way I would survive. I was the new girl again, and fat because of the previous school’s bullies plus my then unknown disease, so I grew tougher. I sucked it up and moved on like nothing happened. Over and over again, dealing with more of the same bullying. My brother escaped through football, but there was no such thing as that for me, I was already too fat for anything girls were supposed to play or do. So, I never let the world see my weaknesses again, making sure I ran circles around weak spots to avoid detection by others. A blessing and curse because the extra efforts improved the weaknesses, but also created mountains of self induced work. At the end of the day and the end of the week I would cry myself to sleep. The rest of middle school, all of high school, and a massive chunk of college, were all tough girl right up until I was alone. I even hid in closets in my dorm to avoid detection. It was exhausting, it still is. Even with Nathan I have difficulty when tears fall against my will. I can’t even talk once emotions hit a certain level. He calls me brutally honest, and says I have a lack of tact, because my communication skills suck when it comes to trying to convey my inner world in the midst of turmoil. I know what triggers things emotionally, but when I try to tell him he thinks I’m beating up on him, when most of the time I’m just trying to let it out honestly. Because of that I am always afraid to be fully honest with others n regards to my emotions, it is literally the only way I’m ever dishonest, though usually I’m just evasive. Truth is I need someone that I can be fully open and honest with. I need help and it’s a dark forest in my mind sometimes. I’ve left negative marks on people’s psyche’s and it’s not because I meant to, every time it’s been because I was struggling myself.

So now, that has become the negative weakness that I run circles around doing my level best to keep it undetectable. This tough girl can’t ask for help because the only thing I’ve been able to formulate is too scary to ask the people I care about most. It’s scary because the words might hurt feelings or become misunderstood. I’d rather battle alone than hurt more people.

So instead I ordered that electric bike I have been thinking about for a while now. It’s much more than I have, and I’ll spend months paying for it, but it’ll help me solve part of the bigger picture. I’ll start the first clear-weather day-off I have after it gets here. I need to ride my route to work on a day off to know how long it will take me for actually commuting. Then, weather permitting I will do that as often as possible, even through winter.

As for the emotions, exercise definitely helps, but at some point I still have to let them out. It is a type of energy, and holding that energy will always prevent the energy I do want, from flowing. I’ll keep practicing, and hopefully I can find a way to release enough for my arm to completely return to normal and stay that way.

May you have emotional support and release when you need it. May you understand your injuries in all the ways and find an easy path to healing them. May you have all the tools and people you need and find a way to communicate safely even in turmoil. May you know everything is okay, and above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Watch “In Search of Balance”

This documentary, brings understanding and awareness.

https://watch.amazon.com/detail?gti=amzn1.dv.gti.a8abc94c-b225-efed-ac50-41786110de12&ref_=atv_dp_share_mv&r=web

I started it on a break at work, and finished it at home. It helped me to feel relief.

The relief stemmed from the feeling response of knowing that I am not alone in attempting to reach for, and educate others to reach for, making this shit we are stuck in just a little bit better. I do not hold hope for any sweeping changes in my lifetime, as in many respects I have watched the consumer economic models exaggerate decay, destruction, disease and discord which was started in my parents generation, if not slightly before. The negatives have been fought and countered with many positives, but have not been undone, and we have approximately a century of history and non-progressive “progress” destroying our humanity.

Yet this documentary brings the ray of hope that others see the challenges and see the elements of positive change. Everytime I watch something like this it helps me feel better about my role and my work in this world, which too often I would like to leave. I will keep doing my best and maybe humanity will surprise me before I die. Perhaps, since I already practice as many of these concepts as I’m able, it might one day pay off and help me and my family.

Atira was supposed to have a farming co-op like the Hawaiian farmer in this documentary has accomplished. Maybe one day. I can hope.

I also recommend the documentary “HEAL”

https://watch.amazon.com/detail?gti=amzn1.dv.gti.26bb7ba5-d960-19ce-6f75-e01240eef73b&ref_=atv_dp_share_mv&r=web

May you find your own personal health. May you see your own place in the interconnectedness of our universe. May you understand the roles we all have, and how we affect one another. May you see your route to healing and know for certain that your are getting there. May you have evidence of positive changes inside and outside of your singularity in the matrix. May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

“Let the walls crack, it let’s the light in” ~PINK

It’s real. The best reaction that western medicine has is a mask. Their precious vaccine has failed, and that is on top of the risks taken by those that took it. Too bad Europe was the only one with enough sense to discontinue use of them. See screen shots… Here in KC the two most populous counties have 90% and 93% vaccination rate, and we still are in the high transmission rate for the delta variant. And from my daily experience it is definitely passing rapidly, but many aren’t registering on testing.

I’m over wearing the mask because every response that medicine has had is just that- a response. By the time I was reading the news article notifying me the CDC had recommended going back to masking, I had likely already had the dammed Delta variant and here’s the kicker it didn’t show on Covid testing (for several clients too).

Two posts ago I had noted I wasn’t going to write on topics for fear of attracting worse, and here’s why.

I had caught a “sinus infection” from the one chiropractor. He had gotten tested for covid and it came back negative, his doc suggested it was a run of the mill sinus infection, especially since it was allergy season. I fared the same as him, except that where allergy-induced sinus-infections usually run less than a week for me, this one ran almost two. I wasn’t stupid and started masking immediately. Nathan was the only person to catch it from me and he ended up with Covid light, probably because he’s already in kidney failure, but it still didn’t show on Covid testing. He was tested on 2 of 3 ER trips and tested again in the Walgreens drive thru. None of them showed Covid. He had the high fever, the sinus infection, tightness in his chest, and occasional cough. It caused him to completely loose his appetite and he spent two solid weeks in bed sleeping every day away. I genuinely thought he was dieing on me. That combined with dialysis dropped his blood pressure out the bottom and he had seizures and panic attacks from low blood pressures and starvation. It was those episodes which led to 3 ER trips, one of which excised an abscess that resulted when the acupuncturist gave him herbs to kick the virus. The herb is Yin Chao and it literally pushes external influences out of the body, that pushing out process is what triggered the abscess.

It was 3 weeks of hell, which I handled amazingly well considering I was doing everything, while still doing my best to maintain my work schedule. Laundry, dishes, cleaning, caring for kids, making meals, and of course navigating the multiple trips to the ER as best as I was able.

Nathan is starting to pull back up because I kicked him in the ass verbally and made him reach for what he was doing before dialysis. I explained he was doing well enough that they almost didn’t catch the kidney failure. I told him he needed to connect with his inner self and reach for what his body needed and wanted and definitely get back to what he was doing before. I reinforced that most of his problems were acidity from starvation because he wasn’t eating. Then I kept shoving electrolyte laden waters and high quality vegan nutrition drinks at him. The combination helped him climb up and now he is trying to figure out stasis. He’s not clear yet, but much closer than any of the ER docs or dialysis docs were getting him to. If I had left it up to them he’d still be starving and just being monitored. They weren’t even very proactive on adjusting his dialysis treatments to keep his BP from dropping out the bottom. And that’s nothing to mention several stupid things we learned along the way, including the fact that the hospital was short small needles because they had all been sidlined for vaccines.

I’m over it. I did everything inside and outside the home this month, while watching my husband waste away, while doctors just watched. My kids all freaked, and both Ian and Anya asked me if Dad was dieing. I’m sure Katherine would have if she had had the vocabulary to do so.

Here’s the deal.

We all could die at any minuet. If it’s not Covid, it’s cancer, or car accident, or work accident, or any one of dozens of other viral or bacterial infections.

Yet we are alive and functional. We are all living life as best as we can, and nothing that has been done the last year and a half was a true solution. Nothing actually fixed Covid for real.

Viruses will mutate because they want to live too. If you introduce something that limits their chance of survival, they will mutate around it, every time.

If all that we as society can manage, is a response, then isn’t it high time our responses become treatments that help people kick and heal from viral infections?

That is the light through the crack in the wall.

Let go of the fear and live.

I will wear masks as needed, but I am over being afraid. I’m not afraid of this or any other disease anymore. I’m no longer afraid of Nathan dieing because I just spent a month living with a walking dead man and doing everything our household needed. I’m just not living in fear anymore.

On the same token, I deserve better than this shit. I am refusing to succumb to the fear and darkness because I deserve better. My life can only improve if I scream “F- You!” at fear and live in expectation of everything getting better.

So that is where I am aimed.

For now I’m needing to cook dinner and then get kids to bed.

May you find a way around fear. May you know you are a survivor and know how to hear your inner self to know exactly what you need. May we all see better days ahead. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti