Tag Archives: health puzzle

Wading through energetic tar.

This weekend with handling my father’s belongings, followed by spending half of Monday taking him to doctor and errands, I feel like I am walking through energetic tar.

I feel heavy, exhausted, and thoughts that I know are not mine keep running through my head. When it’s not his thoughts, I remember obscure moments of trauma from my childhood. I am struggling to escape the darkness, knowing that much of it is my father, but carries a sense of karmic inevitability. I have not escaped repeating some of his worst traits despite spending 2 decades attempting to right the damage. I wonder if I will ever fix it and stop the karmic wheel. I want so badly to get every nano-shred of him out of me, even re-write my DNA to turn his genes off. They are not serving me at all.

Since all of his mess is causing things to resurface for me, I decided to write. Writing has always helped me to clear things from my mind, but this time I think I need more.

NLP or Neuro-Linguistic Programming is a technique I have used off and on over the years. I was introduced to it by a friend studying psychology not long after graduating from highschool. It is a psychological technique for transforming a traumatic memory into more of a disassociated story that you can step away from and send love to.

Essentially when a memory surfaces that carries intense emotion, you move your viewpoint mentally and see it from a distance as if flying overhead or watching a distant movie. It enables you to tell it as a story, but one that belongs to someone else. Once complete, you can give the story version of yourself all of the things that you needed or wanted in that moment. So for example I can say to the scared little girl: “I know that moment was really hard to be in, but I love you and you made it through. You know those people were having a really hard time themselves, or they wouldn’t have acted like that.” Then visualize giving my younger self a hug.

I have used this technique many times, but it seems I need to do so again. So this post is likely to be very long. Several memories have surfaced this week. I am really ready for my father to leave with my sister. Only a few more days to go.


K-Mart gone wrong:

A beautiful little blonde haired girl of about 3 or 4 years old is in the cart. Mommy told her she could have the toy, it was on blue light special. She looked so happy.

They make it to the register and start checking out. Her daddy comes and starts yelling at her mommy. He’s so angry that she spent so much.

The little girl looks at her toy and seems like she is about to cry. She looks scared. Her daddy is so angry he starts shaking his fist. The register lady gets scared and steps back, she asks the girl’s mommy if she needs to call someone. The mommy is in tears but says: no, it’s okay, it’ll be fine. The daddy storms out of the store, and the mommy pays and follows quickly, pushing the cart of groceries with the little girl in the seat still holding her toy.

Her daddy was quiet all the way home, but yelled at her mommy more after dinner. She tells her mommy she could give the toy back, she didn’t need it. Her mommy says no, it’s not because of the toy, she just needs to be more careful.

The response:

Little girl, please know it’s not your fault. One little clearance toy is just a tiny drop in the bucket. It was the size of the bucket that got your daddy so upset. He did not handle it well. He had not been taught what to do when costs were more than he could manage. He was mad at himself for not being able to handle what was needed, and at your mommy for not planning better or telling him what was happening. Please know you are loved and neither of your parents meant for that to happen. You made it through okay and things will get easier someday. I love you and you will learn how to do better.


Unable to protect:

Two kids stand doing dishes after dinner. The big brother washes at the sink, and the little girl stands on a stool nearby to dry them.

Their dad had scolded them for a dirty bowl at dinner, so they are both trying to make sure that the dishes are really clean. Brother asked sister to watch and try to catch anything he missed. She’s doing that. If she’s sees some little bit, she’s trying to use the towel to get it. If it’s more than the towel can get, she gives it back to him.

One damn frying pan just won’t come clean. He scrubs and scrubs. He thinks he finally got it and hands it to her. She starts to dry it and sees a little spot. She’s trying like mad to get the spot to come off when dad comes in the kitchen. He asks why she’s scrubbing so hard with the drying towel. She tries to say she just wants to make sure it’s really dry.

Dad yanks it from her hand and tells her to move. He looks at the pan and starts yelling. She cowers in fear, her feet won’t move but she wants to run. He’s yelling at her brother, louder and louder, saying he can’t do anything right. He makes her brother scrub it again, but only gives a few seconds before yanking it back. It’s still got the spot. He yells even louder, her brother freezes.

Dad thinks he’s being ignored and *WHAM*.

Dad hits her brother with the frying pan full force, up against his head. He throws the pan on the stove. It is bent so much it doesn’t sit flat anymore. The pan is ruined. Dad starts yelling again. “Your skull is so thick it ruins pans, no wonder you can’t do anything right!” He screams. “You’re not good for anything, get out of here. I’ll do them myself!”

He turns and looks at the girl. “You too. Get out of here, now!”

They both hurry to their rooms. Both in tears. They sit on their beds either side of the same wall. Crying into pillows.

The response:

You did your best. You tried to keep your brother safe, that’s what counts. You were just kids, no one is perfect, even adults. He should not have been so upset over a dirty dish. He definitely should not have hit anyone, let alone with a frying pan. Your big brother is smart and you were both doing your best. It was not right for him to act like that and it was horrible for him to treat you both that way. You deserve to be treated better. You deserve to be shown love not hatred. God loves you. Your mom loves you, she couldn’t stop it either. She tried to protect you both and failed. She’s very sorry you were hurt. Times will get better. You will understand one day, and you will always remember that and do your best to do better. You are a beautiful girl and you will figure out better. I love you.


Not strong enough:

A family building a deck. They just moved into a new neighborhood. All was going okay. They took a lunch break, mom served them drinks. It was hot, but tolerable. Kids were trying to help.

The boy about 14 or 15, the girl 12. The mom was pregnant, so she did light work.

Dad needed to cut boards. Several went ok. One had a big knot. Dad told the girl she wasn’t strong enough. Her brother had to try and hold the board still enough to cut. Between measures and prep, he kept yanking the board free. Then he would yell that it needed to be held good. Insults to intelligence and demands to listen yelled in between “Hold it still!” He yelled over and over. Finally, the brother thinks he has appeased his father. He had a strong hold of the board in a position that his dad wants. The saw whirrs up and cutting begins. The blade catches the knot and the board wobbles.

Dad paused in place to yell some more. Demanding the son hold it harder from a specific spot. The son does exactly as he requested. The saw starts moving and catches the knot again, the board kicked hard and the saw cut wrong.

The dad throws the saw down, yanks the board and before anyone could respond the board flies at the son’s shoulder. It hits the boy’s shoulder and bounces hard into his head. Dad throws the board onto the ground and yells and yells and yells. Neither child can do right, neither is any good at anything.

Mom comes out and demands he stop yelling. Her son needs an ice pack for the damage done. Mom takes both children to the kitchen. She puts ice on the now very large goose-egg on the brother’s head. She apologizes to them over and over again saying she has tried so hard to get their father to stop being so mean. She doesn’t know what else to do and is so sorry they keep getting hurt.

The response:

You were so young, no one expects a small child to be able to do something like that. There is no way either of you could have made him happy, he wanted something intended for an adult to accomplish. You did your best, you could not have changed the situation. You could not have fixed anything. It was so hard for you to watch, and I’m so sorry that you had to watch that happen. Your brother knows you couldn’t fix it or change anything. He loves you. Your mom loves you. She really did mean what she said. There wasn’t anything anyone could do. Your dad is just too broken. He never learned how to act, how to manage anger and frustration. He never learned that you can’t treat children like that. He taught you very bad habits, but you are going to be the better person. You are going to figure it out. You are going to learn how to change, and in the process you are going to get so strong that a stupid board will never win again. I love you, you are beautiful and strong and will change your world one step at a time.


There is more, but my heart is raw right now. I think I need a breather. I may finish with a second post later, or just handwrite in a journal. I really needed this. I have been through so many things that I deserve all the accolades for as far as I have gotten on my own. I do love me for trying, for doing better, for becoming a stronger better person. I will get there. I will solve this and stop the karmic wheel. I will teach my children how to fix all of it for them too.

May you have moments full of growth. May you release negative experiences and find a way to clear the way for self love and acceptance. May you understand traumas in helpful ways. May you find peace in the midst of chaos. May you know you are being guided to healing. May you see your way clear of energetic muck. May your karmic wheel become easy to manage. May you find healing for yourself and your family. May you know God loves and supports you and always did. May you know trauma is almost always because the person acting out is hurting and disconnected from God. May you find forgiveness for the hurts you incurred in your life.

Siva Hir Su

Nutrition happiness and back pain

So, this is going to be a double post day. I had two distinct topics I’ve wanted to write on for a couple of days now, but not had the time to do so. This morning I have off since it’s a holiday weekend, but I do work this afternoon at the fill in job. I’m going to attempt to get both posts done before needing to be at work.

This topic: Health journey

My morning has started with editing a pending shirt design, and then spending almost 30 min inverted.

Beyond the amusement factor, especially once cats tried to sit in my lap, I was trying to solve my back pain.

It has returned, but to a lesser degree. It had gone away, and I thought it was safe to resume working out. I did a mild run/walk only 35min, my minimum I aim for to trigger the anti-inflammatory chemistry in my body and brain. Then knowing I’ve had muscle spasms and back pain went to do yoga to stretch my hip flexors. I was doing good, and felt like things were releasing. I went to roll to my side to sit up and it spasmed again. Ouch.

I tried rolling the other direction and nothing. Okay.

Somewhere the imbalance of muscle tightness is causing muscles to spasm in a very particular way. I still feel like psoas and/or iliacus is to blame, but it’s manifesting in a less usual pattern. My obliques on the left are super tender and serratus posterior inferior has a trigger point flared in response to the primary concern. It’s just a huge mess.

After my yoga last night I foam rolled, but that only gets the superficial and 2nd layers of muscle. Then I had Nathan work on me to start chipping at the deeper layers of muscle. It helped but didn’t solve the problem.

So this morning I inverted to stretch the deepest layers.

That was more beneficial. I still have yet to release a band of muscle that I can feel, but can’t access by myself and I’m having difficulty explaining to my husband how to get to it without agony.

I’ve done it hundreds of times for others, and know the particular angle and way to apply pressure to reduce pain levels, and know it’s possible. Yet when you’re the subject and the teacher at the same time, it’s crazy.

It’s something like this: deep breath, gesture to approximate area, as he jabs I start telling him up/down/left/right/closer to the spine/etc in between gasps for air because of intense pain. I have no idea what angle his hands are at or what his posture is, or how to tell him to adjust what he is doing for it to hurt less. I’m just having to grin and bear it.

It’s been consistent enough I even considered it being kidney related. Yet if I had a kidney infection or stone it would be worse pain that would be consistent regardless of position or movement. This definitely is affected by movement and sometimes is barely noticable.

So I’m doing a salt bath and will have Nathan take another stab (pun intended) before I head into work. Hopefully my teacher half will do better so my subject half feels better. I’m also working with those Louise Hay affirmations for back pain.

Nutrition improvement.

In the other news I’ve been doing really well nutritionally. No chocolate, no grains, and extremely minimal legumes (black beans twice), even my nut/seed intake is way less and no walnuts or almonds.

Pretty much every day looks like this:

That’s 4 to 5 snack meals, depending on whether I split the veggies/peanut-butter into two. The salad dressing is homemade and has been covering about 8 of these little salads. I’ll put recipes at the end.

I still have breakfast shake and a 2nd shake later around lunch time (minimal protein and mostly green powder in coconut milk). Then dinner varies, but is all veggies like this:

So calories are as minimal as is safe. I’m not quite to the 300 calorie guy I saw interviewed in highschool, but my activity level is much higher than his was.

What is different is all the supplements that ensure adequate nutrition and boost the processes I need healing in.

  • RX Armour Dessicated Thyroid- low dose 1/day, first thing on empty stomach
  • 2 OTC allergy meds- 1x/day
  • Really good probiotic (refrigerated), 2/day
  • 3 ways to get magnesium, 8-10 pills distributed through my day
  • Bromelain and Enzyme complex for digestive support and to kill unwanted ickies- 1x/day first thing AM
  • Turmeric for anti-inflammatory, 2 pills 4x’s/day
  • Estrogen and Progesterone OTC partly for Thyroid function and partly for known hormone imbalances 1 dose/day
  • Vitex, helps balance hormones, 3/day
  • Saw Palmetto (4 doses/day) and Hyaluronic Acid (1 dose/day) to help repair my skin as I lose weight
  • Iron- I’m a woman and it helps thyroid function 1/day
  • Good quality prenatal- it’s the best ‘covers all the bases’ vitamin I have access to 1 dose= 1 pill 3x/day
  • Calcium: half tab, I only take it 2-3 times a week to aid magnesium absorption, otherwise I get too many leg cramps
  • Evening Primrose oil good source of GLA and helps hormone balance
  • Maca helps balance everything and give energy boost, 3/day
  • Omega-3 Fish Oil, aids brain, anti-inflammatory, 4/day
  • Chlorella, chellator for detox, 6 at dinner with some source cilantro
  • Vitamin C, helps immune system and absorb iron, 1/day with the iron
  • Cinnamon, Bitter Mellon, Vanadium, Gymnemea Sylvestre, Nopal Cactus, Berberine, ALA- all help with glucose management and can help heal pancreatic damage, 1 to 4 doses/day depending¬† my needs except Vanadium- only ever take that 1/day
  • Finally, Keto BHB, mineral salts shown to help shed fat. I started it when everything else was very slow to show improvement, I’ve only taken it for 5 days, so we’ll see. 3 at bedtime.

So essentially, what I’m not spending on food has gone to supplements. Most of them I’ve known for a long time and I’ve essentially added back everything I did while pregnant. Pricy, but worth the results. The only one I’m unsure of is the new BHB, hopefully it stands up to is reputation and becomes worth it.

My goal is to heal my body and eventually not need any of this except the super healthy food.

So for those dressing recipes:

Blueberry vinegrette:

  • Half pint blueberries
  • Tsp Apple Cider vinegar
  • Water (~4oz)
  • Stevia to tase (1 to 2 servings)
  • Blend with immersion blender and bottle it

Honey Mustard:

  • Tsp mustard powder
  • Tbsp or 2 vegan soy free mayo
  • Tbsp honey
  • Tsp Apple Cider vinegar
  • Salt pinch
  • Stevia (sometimes need to add when I get carried away with the mustard powder)
  • Water (~3 oz)

Dairy free Coconut Cream Ranch is another I use, but I make it following a recipe already found online. I also use a clean poppy seed dressing that’s available in grocery stores here in KC. Plus there are several green goddess type clean dressings to be found that are AIP friendly.

May you enjoy your multiple salads. May you accept eat to live over live to eat. May your health improve. May you heal your body. May you figure out solutions for your pains. May you feel good mostly. May you feel better in every way. May you know you are supported. May you have exactly what you need.

Siva Hir Su

Detoxing in gratitude

So for two days I have spent all of my mental energy focusing on healing. I have expressed gratitude for healing in all the ways I possibly could.

It was partly in an effort to overcome repercussions of having fallen, partly to encourage thyroid nodules healing (and all autoimmune problems really), and mostly because I do honor and respect the human body’s God given ability to heal. I am truly grateful that God gave us the mechanisms to heal everything imaginable. I am hopeful that I am allowing those mechanisms to do their job and heal my body from damage done over years of ignorance.

Today, I find my body has been uncomfortably purging. In hindsight Nathan said I am releasing, and reminded me that it is a good thing.

The practical side is I cried a lot, and had to ask for assistance from both the acupuncturist and chiropractor today.

I worked through moderate pain, because knowing how much damage my body already has I’m doing my best to avoid any further damage that might be caused by pain relievers. So I was literally muscling through pain. Then during my last massage the waterworks opened up.

Both my second and third clients had telltale signs of traumas. I found myself contemplating my life and how my woes are no where near what some people have faced. The one client had scars on her back that looked like either having been whipped or sliced at some point years prior. She bore two tattoos. On one wrist “love yourself first” in Arabic on the other “She is Art” in English. After she translated the Arabic I told her that was beautiful. Then I thought to myself, those of us that need the reminder on our skin have the deepest wounds. I was grateful for her reminders in my day. I needed those words as much as she did.

Regardless, I think my tears were either triggered by client stuff, or my own energetics finally hitting boiling point. Either way, I had a really hard time concealing my state and was grateful I had already had the 3rd person turn face down. I managed to clear the session quietly and gathered myself long enough to change out for receiving acupuncture.

I am so grateful I work with skilled and caring people. The acupuncturist knew I had already had a wave of emotional upheaval and gave me much needed support. She then worked her magic and made almost all of the pain disappear. Unfortunately, as the pain was releasing, so did a lot more emotional junk. I sobbed quietly as the needles did their work.

Afterwards I received another chiropractic treatment, and again found myself in tears. I tried to hide the tears not wanting to have to explain the how and why of them. They were less about the pain since it had backed off, and more the release with extreme gratitude for the assistance I was given. I have been in similar situations in the past that I just had to suffer through because of lack of finances or access and this time I have two wonderful people that helped me reach for a quicker recovery. Not only that, but they both took time and care to try and make sure we weren’t missing anything. They caught things I missed on my own. My gratitude is immense.

I was sent home with instructions for an adjustment to my self-care, which enabled me to watch a documentary on Netflix. My choice was “HEAL”.

I am familiar with nearly all of the interviewees in that documentary, and as I watched I found myself crying yet again. I was not learning anything new! So, how is it that I find myself stuck in bed with all these emotions spilling out of my eyes and mouth again? I found myself sobbing to Nathan about how I have already done all of the things that I knew and have access to. I meditate, yes some days I fail on time management for that, but more often than not I manage it. I have cleared so many things, and worked on forgiveness, and then on days like today it seems like I never did. Even the molestation came back up today, and that was one I was certain I had healed my perspective on. My head began to hurt and felt like a bowling ball.

Then one moment in the documentary seemed to make some sense of it all. There was a lady battling skin stuff, worse than my thyroid/immune version. She went for sound healing, the kind with focused measured wave patterns. The practitioner (I know of him well from my training) mentioned that her pattern was indicative of chronic severe stress because the proper frequency only calmed the stress response briefly and failed to get her into parasympathetic response needed for healing. He was able to modulate to achieve the desired results. Then they explained that people in that chronic severe stress response benefit greatly from meditation, but clarified that it takes more diligent/frequent practice.

It seems that is my need. I have definitely had the chronic severe stress, for let’s says somewhere in the range of 10-14 years. So my current meditation practice is falling short of the sympathetic response soothing that I need. That is a manageable solution I can work on.

For now my healing is headed in the right direction, and I will get better and better. I can do this. I am finally getting to a place where I know when I need to ask for help, yet I do still feel guilty about doing so. I am afraid that I will ask too much and burn bridges, so I hope God will help me be mindful of that. I also hope that those that are helping me, really understand how truly grateful I am for their help. It is priceless to me, and if I had all the riches I would shower them with it.

So my gratitude:

  • I am grateful for God’s healing.
  • I am grateful for those people in my life that help me to find my alignment with healing when I need it the most.
  • I am so very grateful for the specific treatments I have had the last week, they have kept me functional and helped aim me toward feeling better even with a full schedule.
  • I am grateful for new awareness and puzzle pieces beginning to make sense and stick together.
  • I am thankful that my body has the ability to heal everything.
  • I am thankful I caught the thyroid nodules before they were a big problem.
  • I am thankful that I am aware of options other than what western medicine calls a solution.
  • I am thankful that I have resources available to me that I didn’t have available before.
  • I am grateful that I understand the complexities of a true healing journey.
  • I am grateful that I know my emotional purging, headache, and other symptoms, are evidence of detoxing on multiple levels.
  • I am thankful that God is helping me find solutions.
  • I am very grateful for the chiropractor and his adjustments, the acupuncturist and her needles, and the office manager shifting my sheets in the laundry when she doesn’t have to.
  • Thank you God for this healing.
  • Thank you for healing my thyroid, my pancreas, my liver, my kidneys, my adrenal glands, and especially thank you for healing my immune system.
  • Thank you for showing me that I need more meditation than the average person right now.
  • Thank you for the understanding that the chronic severe stress is what is slowing me down and how to fix the response to it.
  • Thank you for giving me so many of the necessary tools to do so.
  • Thank you for all your guidance.
  • Thank you for everyone that is praying for me.
  • Thank you for all the healing and assistance.
  • Thank you for letting me know it is okay too slow down.
  • Thank you for reminding me it is okay to ask for help.
  • Thank you for helping me to process emotions and past events so that they dissapate and quit causing disease.
  • Thank you for helping me truly heal, mind, body, heart and soul.
  • Thank you for reminding me of my strength.
  • Thank you for showing me I’m closer to healing than I thought.
  • Thank you for showing me all the things I’m doing right.

I do still welcome prayers, I have another 7 weeks until the doctor even wants to consider another sonogram, and I’m aiming for shrinking and possibly eliminating nodules by then.

May we all find the healing we seek. May we see how to slow down and de-stress. May we allow ourselves the resources to heal fully. May we fully release fear and anger so that healing efforts are effective. May we really understand gratitude and how special life on this planet is. May we know and appreciate our individual uniqueness and gifts. May we allow ourselves full alignment with a truly healthy body. May you love yourself first and know you are a work of art.

Siva Hir Su