Tag Archives: health puzzle

See, Feel bigger

The problem
Is really like
3 Blind men
Describing
An elephant
Impossible to
Solve because
All feel it's
Too Immense
And none
See the
Entirety

None will
If separation
Continues
That is
Dis-ease
Of wholeness
Dis-ease of
Mind, Body
And Spirit
Everything
Succumbing
To invasive
Darkness
Without
Light of
Wholeness

Masculine
Feminine
Healthy
Balance
Cooperate
For desired
Peacefulness

Medicine
Science
Church
State
All
Helping
One another
Cooperating
Together
All
Knowing
Each sees
Only one
Part
Without
The other
It is too
Unsolvably
Immense
And none
Are divine
On their
Own

For now
I heal
My Self
Divinity
My own
Working
For me
In me
Knowing
I may
Loose
Because
Doctors
Aren't
Even
Trying
Can't
Accept
Psychic
Energetics
Awareness
Unseen
Unprovable
Only relying
On machines
Or pills

This
Manly
Lady
Desires
Peace
In Life
Yet masculine
Not helping
Matters
Made
Worse
Burdening
Too greatly
Unnecessary
Weights
Metal
Physical
Stressing
Threatening
To crumble
And feminine
Laying around
Doing nothing
Isn't winning
Either

My ease
My healing
Connected
To divinity
Self In motion
Actions of
Knowing
I don't
Have
To Do
Anything
For anyone
Else anyway
It's all
For
Me

~Treasa Cailleach

May you see your biggest picture in it’s wholeness and have a sense that it is solveable with more wholeness. May you know how parts fit together and work seamlessly for positive impacts. May we all understand that regardless of rightness or wrongness we’re all in this together and maybe one person’s wrong makes another’s make a little more sense. May we all see the rightness in everything and how it blends into the most manageable biggest picture. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Brain Relations

Anecdotal. Based on 1st and 2nd hand accounts in my experience. Take it with a grain of salt.

I’ve already talked about the cvid attacking whatever weak spot someone had. I’ve also already discussed my theory that it sped up manifestation of vibrational patterns.

An example of both; I’ll use Nathan, even though he’ll hate it (sorry honey). He has a pattern of “trying to” learned in youth, and hard to break (same as my patterns). Louise Hay stated in her book that the energy of trying can be a cause of kidney problems and she listed affirmations to solve it- when she wrote the book in the 80’s. The energetics of trying, eventually leads to kidney disease and Louise noted it decades ago, and figured out how to heal it. Nathan caught cvid and between the energetics he carried and meds he took, kidneys was his weakness. It was the first and most drastic hit of his cvid experience. What would have taken an entire lifetime to readily show dis-ease before, was shortened into less than a year.

I’ve seen the pattern repeatedly in everyone I come in contact with, and in their particular variation. But there’s more.

I’ve now had a couple clients mention “Covid Brain” as now being a noticed thing, awareness of it, but no full diagnosis or treatment. I suggested, at first mention, that it’s because doctors are happy to supply antidepressants, but if cvid actually caused damage to the brain it’s not going to be solved by prozac.

But it got me to thinking, especially with my battle and how it manifests. What if it is even more than that.

Because of cvid, I am now an open conduit to others energies, and have picked up on all my ailing relatives, pretty much every client leaves an energetic trail in my body, and even coworkers are impacting my awareness in big ways. I hold none of them responsible, it is just one way cvid affected me, and something I am actively managing. At the same time, I have a hell of a time kicking out negative thoughts. I’ve mentioned all this before. It has made my daily routine cumbersome in an attempt to keep myself up and afloat. I’ve also mentioned before that one of the ways I solve it, is to kick it out as if it was a person in me. Statements like “you are not me and I deserve better”. For the ailments, statements like “this nausea isn’t mine, get the eff out”. It has worked, so I keep doing it. It’s even worked on a bit of toe fungus that suddenly appeared about a month ago. I had a moment where I simply knew it wasn’t mine, and went with it. I mentally and verbally rejected it and now it’s cleared up on its own.

Then there’s this awareness that people are not-so-gradually losing their minds and behaving in atrocious ways, in public, online, everywhere. There are no filters anymore, and people are not-so-gradually getting more and more ludicrous and rediculous.

It has made me think. My brain does that; I respond by analyzing everything from every angle, especially when attempting to produce solutions.

The human brain is the closest thing to a computer that we have outside of electronics. I am not in IT, but have had more than one device killed by electronic viruses. I was in highschool when the Trojan was deleveloped and was crashing computers left and right. I understand the basics of how most computer viruses work.

And I see a parallel.

Computer viruses attack the weakest point and utilize the system to replicate to their own advantage, disabling the system to do anything else. They use whatever available to encourage not just the process, but replication to other devices.

I’m beginning to think that cvid has done just that, but with the human brain and body.

It infiltrated via whatever was our weak point. Nathan was kidneys; for me was thyroid, immune, and brain function itself.

Then once in, it started churning out negative thoughts to encourage other weaknesses to become noticable. I’m beginning to wonder if Nathan’s kidneys took a minor hit (why it took them so long to diagnose), and then the negative thought loop of the virus caused the ship to sink so to speak, and caused the sudden need for dialysis.

It would also explain, how even though I know I have worked my ass off to fix my health, I’m suddenly susceptible to other’s symptoms and had toenail fungus out of nowhere.

If your brain has really been hijacked and you don’t even know, then how can anything be healed. See the problem is many of our thoughts are nonverbal in nature and many of them control organ and body function.

You don’t think “kidneys please clean out my blood today and remove all the toxins”. Your brain just tells them to do so, and a particular chemical storm enables the process.

Now imagine instead, that the entire process is being controlled by a virus that intends to hoard everything it desires (toxins and nutrients alike), starve your body &/or organs of what is needed, and keep you alive just long enough to spread the virus further.

So now your kidneys are told go into standby function, and you don’t even know it, you weren’t aware anything changed, and it isn’t something you can see the results of immediately.

What then? How you do make a virus controlling your body in a negative manner, stop?

Do everything possible in opposition.

It’s been my plan all along and it is working. People have watched me and noticed my bad days in a variety of ways. They have seen the chaos and worried about me. They have noticed lots of things and not understood what I was attempting to convey. But I’m winning. I’m a winner, and always have been. I’m kicking this one in the ass, it’s just really slow going.

How?

By doing all the things that have always worked for me, regardless of what my brain tries to tell me, or how I feel at the moment.

I kick out every negative thought that I do notice. I take every opportunity to note and abolish anything that I know for certain isn’t mine. I tell my body things about how amazing it is and how it works so splendidly in certain ways (you may have noticed some of this in my poetry of late). I acknowledge that I am practicing all the good healthy habits as much as anyone in my shoes could. I am doing everything right, and I am certain of it because of my years of experience and previous history. I simply know that I am doing an amazing job kicking an insidious beast of a chronic infection in the ass. I label that beast with many different labels based on the context and factors involved, but in every situation I am acknowledging “this thing is toxic, it is lieing to me/my body, get it out, I deserve better”.

Simple and complex simultaneously.

I’ve even talked with Nathan about this quite a bit. He has been reading “Becoming Supernatural” by Dr. Joe Dispensa. It was recommended by one of my clients on a parallel journey, and it had helped her with some action steps, so he has been putting it to action in meditating on growing a new kidney. But I have encouraged him further. I suggested: What if the kidney failure was virus lies? Take self talk into the realm of opposition. AKA: My kidneys were lied to, they work just fine, and all the elements and descriptors that you do know to be true. Fill in the gaps where medicine can’t. I told him to tell himself he is healing and that his kidneys are improving and what that would look like. We discussed the visible signs to watch for, assuming it will work, including bringing up the memory of being over-dialized.

I told him to treat his brain like a computer fighting a virus. Quarantine every noticable instance. Delete contaminated files, and/or restore to prior version. Overwrite thought patterns that allow the virus to flourish.

There is no human antivirus (stupid vaccine did nothing truly helpful). So, we have to individually create our own mental antivirus software, we have to catch every bit of it ourselves. We have to eliminate every instance ourselves and create better every moment. We have to make it obvious to the virus that it isn’t welcome in our brain or body, and do everything it would rather we not do. Make it want to leave.

If you have to take up writing poetry to help yourself focus on that. Then do it. Make art with that goal. Take supplements that help even if your brain contrives nausea. Exercise even when your brain tries to convince you that you’re too tired. Stretch to fix stiffness. Salt baths to help stiff, sore, or bogged down with other’s energies. Eat stupid healthy, even if your brain tries to convince you otherwise. Eliminate stress every way possible. Turn your back on arguments or negatives you can’t control.

Anything and everything needed to nix negatives and replace with positives.

Like NIKE- Just do it.

And don’t expect a miracle… Hope for it if you want, pray for it too, but more just allow yourself the time and space to enable your body to do what it was designed to do. And it does take time.

We were first round- January 2020, and positive Omicron January 2022, with maybe 2 rounds during Delta timeframe (unconfirmed despite avid testing). I’ve watched clients, friends, family, all deal with the aftermath, some in denial but still very obviously in the midst of it. I’ve wrangled my own long-haulers, while navigating for my immediate family, because they all really on me. I’m still not 100% clear, but I’m far enough that I can see the trajectory enough to believe I’m over the hump. Regardless, I can tell by the way I feel and results I’m getting that I’m on the right track. I will win this, and my writing this post is in hope that it will help others. After this post I’ll likely go back to mostly poems.

FYI. One last note. I’m a bit stunned how much of what Abraham Hicks has been teaching for the prior 15 years applies directly to this sentiment. I’m really just rewording their message, but with emphasis on how it applies to fixing the damage and resetting your body to original standards. It’s almost like they knew this was inbound and we needed the mechanics I just described, to fix it. I know I have it down well enough to maintain stasis. Now I just need to move into solid improvement enough to be visible to others.

May you see the process and how to clear the hump. May you clear all the negatives and heal fully. May you understand the fullness of things in your experience and how they might help yourself and others around you. May you know that you can win against this or anything else. May you see the miracle of your body and know anything that isn’t yours doesn’t belong. May you have a clear and relatively easy path to the solution. May you know you can do it. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Liberating Clearing

I told a client of my current emotional processing of immensely intense stretches releasing deeply held traumas. I said: “It is not for the faint of heart, but that I felt like God was going to smite me if I didn’t do it to the fullest of my ability.”

Between pain, screams of anger at God, intensely deep stretches pushing my own limits, and resulting trauma release responses, especially crying, I feel like I’m making more progress.

My hips are a bit unstable at the moment, and tender doesn’t even begin to describe some of the remnants needing mended. Yet, when I am just sitting I feel more balanced and stable than a week ago.

The process has included many mental image moments that I simply have no idea their true accuracy. The mental images are the closest translation of what my body has been holding.

  • There was an image of a nurse holding me upside down by one ankle (postnatally).
  • There was an image of mom’s belly being so tight from overwork that I was compressed to her spine, in an inability to move fully and properly as a developing baby should.
  • There was a feeling of fear in the midst of a fight, that feeling stirred when an argument hits maximum and you’re afraid of what the other will do.
  • There was a ‘fallen and I can’t get up’ moment where legs felt like they were so tight I simply couldn’t get on my knees and get to standing. (It made me think mom had fallen, but I called her and she’s fine.)
  • There was what I can best call a rebirthing moment. In reality I was born C-section, but I had a fairly clear moment of what it might feel like to be born as my children were, right in the midst of transitioning between hip opening stretches.
  • The neck thing I carry in C1/C2 turned loose as I was working on a spot in my low back. As I was working on releasing the low back L5/SI area, it felt like whiplash had happened at some point. I was wracking my brain for any actual memory of such an event to my lower spine, and all of a sudden clunk in my neck. If the two are truly connected, then the only thing I can place it with is the time I fell on my head off of the end of a slide as a toddler. I’m hoping I released both ends well enough to keep it gone, but have enough experience to know that things are rarely once and done. May I know how to repeat well enough to accomplish full release in as few repeats as possible.
  • There are probably some other moments I’m forgetting, which is likely a good sign.

Anyway, after all of this and more I’m wrapping my brain around elements of pain retention. How our body traps it, not just for us, but for generations. I have been repeating “Heal me and my children as far back as necessary, down to DNA and mitochondria for here, now, through birth and to generations past.”

Then this morning, I was fortunate enough to get a moment of meditation in. I had a strong awareness that I am going to be able to walk away from something soon. In that way that once you really understand something it gets easy. I feel like I’m going to be faced with one of the common topics of my life, for about the last 5 years, and that I’m going to be able to say no easily. The same way that women that have truly worked through abuse can recognize it much faster and refuse it before anything comes of it. It only sort of confused me.

Abraham swears there are no tests and that God isn’t out to get us or punish us. Jesus was fond of similar sentiments.

Yet, there is that momentum thing, when something has been rolling a really long time it takes on a life of it’s own. Some event has to stop that momentum, and sometimes it is simply the measure of knowing ones’ own strength to stop it oneself. Being able to face it one last time and say “nope, not today”, but actually stopping it dead in it’s tracks, not just diverting it. Diversions only slow the momentum, it’ll just keep rolling and eventually cross your path again. No, one must be strong enough to fully and completely stop the ball or assume the impact.

My awareness this morning helps me know that I am strong enough to stop it myself and stay standing. I am not certain which topic it is in regards to, or the details, but I am much more confident in my capabilities to handle whatever it is, and take the higher ground.

May we all have life affirming moments and an awareness of our capabilities. May we all see ourselves as strong enough to stop something with momentum. May we know we are on the right track and heading in the right direction. May we understand our strengths and use those to lift our weaknesses up. May we all process traumas so that we can be more functional, healthy, and help our children heal to stop the parade of generational trauma. Above all, may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Learning pain.

I learned from my family to hurt myself with food. I watched binges and holiday gorge fests. When I participated, I unconsciously registered and catalogued what things felt like after the meal, never quite understanding fully, the meanings behind certain painful moments.

I never knew the pain in my stomach was my body screaming at me to stop, because no one else in my experience was showing pain or stopping. I thought it was supposed to be that way, that is, until it was already a very hard to break habit. Now I do my best to listen for sensations before my tummy hurts. Not always being successful. I also do my best to eat foods that give “full” sensations sooner, because then I know I don’t get too close to that mark. Salads are very filling because they trigger a feeling of full long before your tummy runs out of room (they condense a lot in the chewing process and they are dense nutritionally). It leaves room for a little treat and still no danger of overeating pain. These days I aim for a few coated nuts or a bit of fruit, but being holiday season my daughter kindly made pumpkin pie using ground nuts for the crust. Vegan, and made of healthy ingredients for a small treat. It enables me to feel human and enjoy a morsel safely- thank you Anya. Growing up, my family had a ready supply of tasty treats from Little Debbie, Hostess and my mom’s own baking. It left for multiple servings a day, nearly every day for the first 19 years of my life. Now, I have an apple or pear mid day and something like Anya’s pumpkin pie (or the coated nuts) 3 to 5 times a week most weeks, with some heavy weeks and some empty weeks. Money doesn’t always stretch enough for sweets in our budget, but then sometimes bad habits not fully broken, sneak in and disrupt the balance for a bit. It’s a difficult cycle to maintain balance when I learned from an extreme environment. So I keep working at it.

Additionally, I never knew the pain in my brain and head, and resulting dizziness and depression, was too many omega 6’s from grains, and allergic reactions causing systemic inflammation from my immune system attacking my entire body. I just knew I couldn’t complete sentences, couldn’t keep my balance to save my life (so I seemed clumsy), would hit angry rage easily and then fall into deep despair, and alternated between sleeping all day and suicidal pretending to be functional. It was a daily cycle pattern by highschool. My thyroid was storming and crashing repeatedly, and my organs and joints were being eaten by my own immune system. Yet all I knew was overwhelming pain, hurting everywhere inside and out, and dibilitating misfunctions in my whole body. All I felt was dark despair and deep desolation. All I knew was something was horribly wrong and mom’s doctors weren’t fixing it because I was “low side of normal”. Later in college it was the same story with my daily cycle and unhelpful professionals, basic tests and no further exploration. It took me learning overlapping parts, investigating complex systems, and having many helpful intuitive moments with others’ conversations to find my answers over years of time. It isn’t something I started yesterday and I get really frustrated when people act like that, it is not something a 15 min conversation will solve, because I have enough hours invested to have been a collegiate course. Sadly, if it weren’t for a resource that tells me otherwise, I would think I know more, and more current information on the subject, than anyone else in KC, and because of it have been told by doctors it’s too complicated and to difficult to solve fully. It isn’t true, there are those that know more and can. Problem is that the few here in KC that really know it well, are out of reach for me for several reasons, insurance, finances, and waiting lists being the most common reasons. The last time I tried it was a doc at St Luke’s and I was passed to a minion that knew less than me. It is crushing to save $280 for a doc and then be shuffled to his PA that says “how about we start with a TSH test” when I know how to read thyroid labs and know a TSH test is a far too limited view  when it is the only test run, that your TSH can look relatively normal and all kinds of wrong be happening.

I would love to say that because I chose to learn what to know about the process happening in my body, and thus have skills and knowledge others don’t, that I know how to solve it. I can’t because, that’s a trick question. It’s a trick because there are to many variables. Da da duuuunn!

I know that diet is a major factor. I suspect some of those learned pain moments from childhood are the mental root of the physical patterns causing the physical pains. I know physical triggers are contributing to the immune response, and that when eliminated, my immune system calms down, but never seems to shut off completely. I know that my organs are damaged because of approximately 38 years of this process. I also know that with enough space, time and resources, literally anything can heal and many people have done it. Yet, my life seems hell bent on making it nearly impossible to eliminate all triggers and stress. I also know the CVid  set me back painfully far (just not as drastically noticable as Nathan), and seemingly made even more triggers arise. So at this point, I have new factors that didn’t exist 2 years ago. I have had to adjust everything multiple times up, and now I’m faced with having to adjust back down. I’m having difficulty finding middle ground with thyroid meds, supplements and food choices, each adjustment causing a ripple effect with the other elements. I’m having difficulty turning my immune system down enough for healing to continue. So, I know there are new factors, but at this point it’s easier to say what’s okay than what’s not okay. The okay list is so short already I just can’t figure out why my immune system is constantly on high alert. So the mechanics are there, and have been being used to the best of my ability and fairly detailed knowledge.  But where I used to keep symptoms away for weeks even a couple months at a time, now I’m having daily and weekly swings even when doing my absolute best with life circumstances. My lapses get fewer, smaller and father in between each week, yet my immune system never relents. I am managing massive inflammation daily to stay out of the crash loop, and eating cleaner than ever. I’ve had two known noticable lapses in 3 weeks, and one of those was completely out of my control, it was not even close to my fault. That leaves me to believe that either I have new allergens unresolved/identified, or that I am in the midst of a constant external pathogen attack. I simply am not certain which, and have no resources left to determine that with in depth lab testing. It could be covered in-part or all, if I could afford and actually schedule with one of the few very knowledgeable doctors. Some of them don’t take insurance, the others have wait lists and underlings.

Now, on being able to keep most of it at bay with diet. The failures are when I am unable to control the food in front of me. I have yet to figure out how not to eat when others are, and every dish has something to avoid; or when the only dish was prepared haphazardly; or gifted/shared by unaware individuals. Nearly all of my exposures lately have happened in situations beyond my control and which I felt I had very limited or no options. Fortunately, the office holiday celebration had the ability to do a salad with beans. But the other big gathering we attended, every single dish included something that wasn’t okay. It’s really hard not to eat when 75 others are, and your tummy says the food smells delicious, so I did my absolute best, which was still very far from my clean. Then I went a stretch where I just ate salads, one after another after another, and then my body signaled true starvation with tremors instead of using the fat on my belly and thighs. I had gone too far the other direction, but what to eat when you start to distrust anything working for your body?  I’m running out of creativity with other veggies, and I’m still not sure if one of my few is causing my inflammation immune attack. I should be able to eat more easily than this, and so, fasting is still a thing because it’s just easier and helps me clear out and detox some.

You might be getting the gist of all the layers and levels I’ve been trying to juggle. In the midst of Nathan’s dialysis, 7 months of increased duties at home, and resulting over-stored grief. Of all of that I was lone massage therapist for all but two months- helping many others solve their problems muscularly, and working diligently on 2 major art images. I don’t know I may have missed some things, cues that might have helped, or maybe it’s literally just the stress.

Stress is the ultimate trigger of all triggers.

So to that end, my new goal is to stay as clean as possible and still consume calories (you’d be surprised how opposing those 2 are right now), while making a concerted effort to reign in stress better. My goal is to use as much of my lunch break as possible to do yoga. Every day. That is 3 breaks a week. Eating a salad takes me 5 to 10 minutes based on size of the salad, and adjusting my office takes about another 5. My breaks are usually 90min. So most of those days I should be able to do a little over an hour of yoga. Fridays, being a shorter work day, I usually have at least one solid 30 min break, and even though I get to leave early, I rarely get to make use of that time for me. So the 30min break will have to do for yoga. Hopefully that addition to my week will be enough. My problem is for the last 2 weeks I’ve been doing other self care in my lunch. Some of that will have to continue elsewhere. Where?

So yeah, no easy fix, and why in the hell anyone would think I’m undereducated or a slacker is beyond me. You’d think they all know that by now.

So yes, this week I have struggled with my baseline, and when a full blown allergic reaction to an unknown cause caught me off guard, I fully crashed to suicidal level. Nathan and Anya took the brunt of my verbal onslaught, because the reaction set in fully after littles were sent to their rooms for a bit. I tried to lock myself in the running van in our garage. Nathan and Anya solved that and waited for enough sanity to return for me to be coaxed to bed. I’m not proud, I’m not happy over it, it sucked. All I kept thinking is I could finally be free of this constant struggle to maintain balance, that I would finally be free of all the stress and responsibilities, that I would finally know what my inner being fully feels like (Abraham swears is better than the most exhilarating ride of your life.) I just wanted to not hurt anymore and not have to think about anything: meds, money, food, allergies, eating, living, stressors, you name it, I’d be free. It was just so overwhelmingly desired in that moment. If not for Nathan and Anya I would be dead.

Like Great Mother, this momma’s had enough. Enough is enough, and I’ve done a hell of a damn good job all on my own all things considered. I deserve out, and if God wants me to live so damn bad, then he better damn well fix it. There isn’t much rope left and I’ve gotta save enough to solve the last problem I’ll ever face, and I have no idea if my proverbial rope can be replenished. If it doesn’t stop in a permanent sort of way, I will likely still wind up back at this place. It is a flaw of human nature and the complexities of life on Earth.

For now, I’m alive. I didn’t solve anything today, but I have an hour left until bedtime and nothing got worse.

I still hurt all over, but less painfully. I’m still depressed, but more towards mild melancholy. I have a headache, but it no longer feels like my eyes will explode. The dizziness has subsided, and I have been able to communicate more than last night.

I’ll take it.

Those are all signs of improvement for this day.

May you be kind to yourself when your best doesn’t cut it. May you know you did your best with every step even when people don’t see it or doubt it. May you always have the resources and connections to do whatever is needed, especially when that involves investigating complex problems. May you find a way to eliminate as much stress as possible so your body can heal. May life cooperate with you in regards to all of it. May you find a way to make maintaining balance easy, and be able to easily fit that into your schedule. May you always have reliable current information available to you when it is needed most. May you find the solutions you seek for lasting permanent change and easy balance. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Tough girl.

I’m realizing this week that my tough façade is cracking. Life is challenging me in all the ways, and I’m doing my best as always to stay afloat, but my emotions are beginning to show the strain.

On one hand I finally let some of it out today. Like a kettle boiling over, I simply couldn’t hold it in. The amazing J did needles for my arm again, and I think she added one for emotional release and one for sleep because that was the most palpable results, though the sleep hit me like a freight train about 15 minutes after getting up off the table. It ensured I didn’t accomplish anything else involving labor for the rest of my day. The emotions, well they were like little damns crumbling in my body. I’d feel energy turn loose in my arm and then tears would just start running. There were some in other parts of my body, but it was like my right arm was holding the vast majority. Some of the damns were so strong that when they turned loose I’d know what was causing it, and it was intense. At this point the treatment was successful, but it seems some of them have already been retriggered because I have a twinge in my wrist and thumb again. It is also amazing to me that I can tolerate strained muscles being worked on (a fairly brutally painful experience), but in a quiet room with superfine needles in me, I am sensitive enough to feel energy move when science barely has equipment sensitive enough to even register it. It seems in some ways I’ve practiced the tough routine enough it actually counts.

Everything is a work in progress.

So then on the other hand, post treatment and emotional releases I’m processing what that means.

My tough girl façade is just that. I never wanted to be that, I didn’t set out aiming for it. It happened because I learned to do it from all the boys in my family. Be tough, suck it up, and keep moving like nothing happened. It was expected, and in middle school I learned it was the only way I would survive. I was the new girl again, and fat because of the previous school’s bullies plus my then unknown disease, so I grew tougher. I sucked it up and moved on like nothing happened. Over and over again, dealing with more of the same bullying. My brother escaped through football, but there was no such thing as that for me, I was already too fat for anything girls were supposed to play or do. So, I never let the world see my weaknesses again, making sure I ran circles around weak spots to avoid detection by others. A blessing and curse because the extra efforts improved the weaknesses, but also created mountains of self induced work. At the end of the day and the end of the week I would cry myself to sleep. The rest of middle school, all of high school, and a massive chunk of college, were all tough girl right up until I was alone. I even hid in closets in my dorm to avoid detection. It was exhausting, it still is. Even with Nathan I have difficulty when tears fall against my will. I can’t even talk once emotions hit a certain level. He calls me brutally honest, and says I have a lack of tact, because my communication skills suck when it comes to trying to convey my inner world in the midst of turmoil. I know what triggers things emotionally, but when I try to tell him he thinks I’m beating up on him, when most of the time I’m just trying to let it out honestly. Because of that I am always afraid to be fully honest with others n regards to my emotions, it is literally the only way I’m ever dishonest, though usually I’m just evasive. Truth is I need someone that I can be fully open and honest with. I need help and it’s a dark forest in my mind sometimes. I’ve left negative marks on people’s psyche’s and it’s not because I meant to, every time it’s been because I was struggling myself.

So now, that has become the negative weakness that I run circles around doing my level best to keep it undetectable. This tough girl can’t ask for help because the only thing I’ve been able to formulate is too scary to ask the people I care about most. It’s scary because the words might hurt feelings or become misunderstood. I’d rather battle alone than hurt more people.

So instead I ordered that electric bike I have been thinking about for a while now. It’s much more than I have, and I’ll spend months paying for it, but it’ll help me solve part of the bigger picture. I’ll start the first clear-weather day-off I have after it gets here. I need to ride my route to work on a day off to know how long it will take me for actually commuting. Then, weather permitting I will do that as often as possible, even through winter.

As for the emotions, exercise definitely helps, but at some point I still have to let them out. It is a type of energy, and holding that energy will always prevent the energy I do want, from flowing. I’ll keep practicing, and hopefully I can find a way to release enough for my arm to completely return to normal and stay that way.

May you have emotional support and release when you need it. May you understand your injuries in all the ways and find an easy path to healing them. May you have all the tools and people you need and find a way to communicate safely even in turmoil. May you know everything is okay, and above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti