Tag Archives: health puzzle

Near, far, and everything in between.

I was musing about how we manifest things and how we need a blend of everything to live a full healthy life. It also left me with great gratitude over my life in general.

It started with thinking about how electronic devices mess up our vision over time. Our eyes last longest, and function best in old age, when we allow ourselves to see everything as we age. Everything near, everything far, and everything in between. So, too much electronics is too much near, and not enough of the rest of everything, it causes nearsightedness for many people gradually over time. Yet those that spend years of their lives either seeing trauma repeatedly, or turning a blind eye to the negatives, also end up with eye trouble where they simply can’t see anything anymore. They spent so much time wishing they couldn’t see what they were looking at, that they ended up blind. I have worked with those very people once the damage was already too significant to change, and several of them knew that was exactly what happened. One had spent her career as an ICU nurse and had seeing so many horrible atrocities and accidents that she knew it had likely contruibuted to her blindness.

As thoughts often do, one thing led to another and I was contemplating my place in this world. I would not be where I am, and with the desires I have, if I had not experienced a little of everything.

I know I am in the shallow end of the pool as far as traumas go. I have watched enough news and seen enough documentaries to know that without a doubt. I am extremely grateful that my real traumas were far less than traumas I am aware of.

No my troubles have definitely been more because of dis-ease ingrained by familial habits, and the resulting enabling of a physical disease into my body.

And that is where I find gratitude for both the Divine and myself.

When I was loosing to the disease that wanted my brain and body stressed enough for it’s own self-preservation, the divine would find a way in, just long enough that I knew something was wrong and needed fixed. The Divine managed to keep my ass alive and aware enough, to not actually give up, even when the disease in me was doing it’s best to convince me otherwise. The miracles that the Divine used to keep me alive are still to this day amazing and my gratitude is immense.

But my gratitude is even more immense for myself.

Here’s the deal, you don’t go from the following before pictures to the after pictures, based solely on the awareness that the Divine kept me from committing suicide.

No, the Divine may have enabled several miracles for me to stay alive, but then I did the rest. Doctors didn’t try very hard to fix it for real. My family didn’t either, but my mom gave it a decent try. No one but Nathan supported me through changes and challenges. I did the work, I did the research, I did the testing, I argued with doctors wanting the easy band-aid. I did the exercising and eating right. I was the one that fought my brain to have enough willpower to walk away from damaging foods. I was the one that pushed myself to do better than the average person. I was the one that kept trying, kept striving to stick to my vow and genuinely search for a solution to help my children.

I am lucky to have survived disease riddled brain creating suicidal situations, and for that I still thank God.

But, I have worked my ass off to improve and make my health and life better. My sheer willpower and drive has been the biggest factor in why I have accomplished as much as I have. I’m the one that lost 100 pounds while fighting thyroid disease. I’m the one that figured out my allergies, that it was my thyroid causing the most grief, that blood sugars were connected to immune function. I’m the one that figured out helpful supplements to manage symptoms better than the docs did. I’m the one that supported an entire family, and gave birth to two children, all while doing everything else I just mentioned. I’m the one that kicked ass for nearly a decade to not just stay alive but to attempt to find life, and hopefully an enjoyable one at that.

I did it for myself, even when a diseased brain told me otherwise.

I will keep striving because I haven’t managed a complete fix on the resources I have available at this time. I know there has to be a way, and I’m determined to find it. I know the pieces of the puzzle, but my current resources are not meeting the need, and I’m still calculating how I might be able to increase resources and decrease time investment, to accomplish everything that is needed to fall into place for the full healing I seek. Some people have accomplished it, and one is a client of mine.

I look forward to that. I look forward to my results of my hard work. My thank you to God for being rescued is my hard work to finish what God started. I can hope that there’s also a reward at the end of the tunnel, but I’m content knowing that my efforts are my “thank you’s” for the miracles that kept me from dieing.

For now I have mild evidence of my efforts and progress. My blood work and testing is all improved. My A1C is down to normal range (no Rx medicine enabled that). The Thyroid Nodule is in “just watch it” size range at 1mm, which is .5-1mm smaller than previous, being they could have biopsied it before and didn’t. My cholesterol is good, bad cholesterol is well below their concern range, and good cholesterol could be a little more but is fine. My B12 level is great. And Thyroid TSH is much closer to ideal. One more NDT Rx adjustment to be had and then follow up in 6 weeks to make sure it was adequate. She thinks most of my anamolous symptoms are thyroid related, but she forgot to do Covid antibody on the last blood draw, so they just drew it. My progress may not be earth shattering, but it’s still progress and I did it all on my own.

May you see how hard you have worked. May you know that you are deserving of all improvement experienced. May you know that your efforts mattered and made a difference not just for you, but in this world too. May you know that the Divine has played a role in keeping you alive. May you experience gratitude for all of it, and genuinely appreciate your self and all of your efforts both physical and nonphysical. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Out… Me… Relief…

This morning started rough. 10 minutes before I left for work everything went awry. I knew I was picking up on another person and kicked them out to be able to function at work. I showed up and 1st session went okay.

Halfway through my gap between clients I hit overwhelmed and knew I needed to focus. My mantra became:

“Everybody OUT, Now! I need to just be me! Get the eff out of my awareness, I only need to be just me right now!”

I was referencing everyone I was connected to. I had the realization that I want everyone I love to be around me, and it had caused a plume of all their energetic stuff to also be around me. I was overwhelmed by that which I thought I wanted. I want the loving partners and family, but not to the detriment of myself. So I acknowledge I still need to be able to have my space and my time, and that time needed to be now, before it was too late.

It worked, and for the duration of my second session I focused on the moments I feel me, so that I could focus on being just me.

Me is when I’m inĀ  nature. Me is seeing the beauty in and around me. The beautiful butterflies and bees that defy gravity and do delicate dances on the wind to fertilize flowers for even more beautiful abundance. Me is marveling as the sunshine dances through trees’ waving limbs. Me is listening to beautiful songs from beautiful birds. Me is smelling flowers’ sweet scents.

I was just breathing and feeling me, my inner being- it feels good, all while working on my client. It felt like peace and happiness. It felt calm and centered. I love feeling me.

After feeling ME for quite some time while working on my client, I shifted to knowing that I deserve better. I have worked a long time at healing myself. I have put lots of research and thought into healing myself. I have put lots of intuition into healing myself. I have taken many actions, over and over again, over that long span of time, all guided towards healing myself. I had done so well that even though my second pregnancy ended in hives and labor twice as long as the first, my thyroid still didn’t crash as hard as the first time. I have done so well focusing on healing myself that I had two major viral infections in one year and still managed to mostly maintain myself. Not only did I maintain, I lost a little weight and slimmed down a lot. So yes, I deserve proof that what I’m doing is working, tangible validation that others recognize.

That led to my next mantra:

My I.D. is my spirit.
I am a divine being.
I am in alignment with my source.
My source is healing me.
Source Healing is greater than anything man has to offer.
Source is obliterating Dis-ease for me.
I'm healing to my beautiful divine self.
I am beautiful and healthy.

Then I focused on what was next. I was headed to that ultrasound that was scheduled last week. I kept telling myself “I’m going to go get my proof that what I’m doing is working and it’s just got my system riled up.” I thought about what proof might look like, all the options that would be evidence that what I was doing was working. I acknowledged that 2020 hit me hard in several ways, so pretty much anything less than significantly worse was still a sign that my efforts counted.

But I narrowed it down. I deserve this proof because I made it through, but more because I’ve put so much massive effort into my health- I deserve massive results. Considering I’ve fought a new virus on top of an old nagging one, and still had visible results, I felt I was deserving of positive test results. I felt I deserved test results showing significant improvement of some kind. To me that meant that whatever the test showed it should be less significant than the one at the start of 2020.

I arrived for my Thyroid Ultrasound. I knew they were looking for nodules, and filled in the tech. I explained that the previous report said there were several and one was just large enough it could have been biopsied, but doc didn’t seem concerned enough to do so so it never had been. After my description, I said that I was hoping they were either the same or fewer and smaller.

The tech did his job and scanned not just my thyroid itself, but all of the surrounding lymph nodes. That was more than the first one did. He told me he only saw one difinitive lump on the left lobe of my thyroid, and it was still small enough he didn’t think it was even considered large enough to do a biopsy, but that I would need to confirm with my doctor. He told me that he thought it looked like a good scan considering I knew I had Hashimotos and had already been told of the nodules. He had me wait while he confirmed with the radiologist. He came back and said yes they had compared to the previous scan from last year and they both think it looks good, but the doctor will confirm.

I needed that good news something fierce and thanked God profusely. I then immediately texted everyone around me the good news, including Nathan. I was straight giddy from receiving much relieving news.

It’s now been 4 hours and my evening has gone splendidly because of the relief I have felt.

I can’t bring myself to tell my family (mom, dad, brother) because I am not certain my solution well help them. I started before system failure, I started before cancer set in. I’m not certain what I’ve done will heal them as effectively. It wouldn’t hurt to try, but it’s not easy or quick, so even if all 3 started today, I’m not sure it would save them. Then there’s the matter that I’m not sure they want to be saved. You can’t make someone do what they don’t want to do, and they’ve all essentially said they are okay with the alternative.

I will fill them in eventually, but I need for my brother to regain his bearings before I tell him. I love him, and I know it’ll bounce right off of him if he’s still in post surgery dosage attempts. His medicine dose needs to at least be close for him to be able to hear that there’s hope. I would love for him to be able to hear me and reach for his own healing, but I accept that it might not happen even if his meds are fairly balanced.

Regardless, my proof that my efforts are working is exactly what I needed. It is the encouragement to keep going because the light is finally at the end of the tunnel. I’m finally seeing an end in sight. A bit more patience is all that is needed.

May you have clarity when you need it. May you easily find your inner being when it is needed, and especially to receive the blessed healing that only comes from within. May you know your efforts not just counted, but did exactly as hoped. May you feel better and have patience with the discomfort of change and definitely with the healing cycle. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

On Repeat.

I have had this song on repeat for a couple days now, just keeping me afloat and functional. I wanted to share.

Doctor visit this afternoon after work resulted in a list of labs to be drawn ASAP (lab had closed by the time I finished with my visit). The goal is to rule out other problems, check my thyroid levels again, and check Covid antibody levels (if it hasn’t become another chronic infection then they should be low if they register at all). I also have to do another thyroid ultrasound to see if there are any significant changes. Once all of that comes back I will have a follow-up appointment on the 9th. Barring anything scary that is.

The acupuncturist had recommended drawing an immune panel to see if any other/new autoimmune antibodies were active and to check levels of the known Hashimotos and EBV. The doctor didn’t say no to that idea but essentially said she needed to start with all the basics first.

The lady I saw today, a PA, wasn’t well versed in thyroid, no surprise there, as few are. She said that she would rather I be on Levothyroxine. I told her it failed me miserably the last time I took it and I went 4.5 years successfully taking Armour/NDT. She said ultimately depending on lab and ultrasound results I may just end up needing a referral to an endocrinologist. I didn’t shoot that down for her, even though the two I went to previously were not much better versed than she is. I really hate this system.

The acupuncturist told me to have patience with the tedium and that I was doing the right thing. I need the labwork, but I’m so sick of blanket treatments and all we know is thyroid=levothyroxine or thyroid cancer= surgery/cancer treatment/ lifetime of levothyroxine. It’s all bullshit.

But then Nathan reminded me we have much better aim and are more successful hacking things once the full problem is known. So right now were searching for a total picture of what needs addressed. Is it even still just my thyroid, and if so, is it because my thyroid is worse off or because my regimen isn’t meeting needs? Once I have some basic answers I will know better how I need to adjust. I have contemplated going fully AIP level 1, essentially a raw food diet sans any nightshades, seeds/legumes/nuts/grains. It is a miserable existence food wise, but I’m willing if it actually truly solves anything.

See that is the catch, that whole I’m never good enough belief that was brainwashed into me. It hasn’t been good enough that that I’m AIP with some nuts/legumes, no let’s nix everything and go raw, because it’s literally the only option left. Feck you, and if the divine is going to force me into that kind of stupid level of clean than it better fucking matter, or I’m throwing in the towel for life. I’ll willingly give up and accept death. The Divine Masculine is an asshat. Just sayin’.

Could have been healed ages ago, but no I had to catch covid and have and EBV flare in the same year. Or I could’ve had those negative beliefs healed, god knows I’ve asked for that enough times, and if they are the sole cause then heal that first damn it- I’ve been doing the work I deserve some results. Or I could have had the resources to quit working, eliminate stressors, hermit and monk myself into healing. But no, I’m dealing with a broken system yet again, to attempt to get answers to help myself AGAIN. Where is the divine in this mess? Fucked up way of doing things I’ll say.

Anyway, my frustrations aside, I’m taking steps that I know will guide me. Seems as usual my own spirit seems to be the only thing on my side, and I’m doing my best to acknowledge it and follow steps. Hopefully I will finally win this battle for once and for all and get my happily ever after. I have way more than fecking earned it. I deserved it well before 2020 and was well on my way to getting there before 2020 happened. Give me my results back and more because of a lost year of stupid nonsense full of shit I couldn’t control.

May you have the answers you need. May you know exactly what you need to do and how to accomplish it. May the divine help you leap gaps you struggle to bridge alone. May the divine heal us all and guide us all to better days. Above all may you know that the Divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

And for good measure one more applicable song: