Tag Archives: health puzzle

Catching up with myself.

I am stopped at a park on the way home, just for a quiet place to sit for a few moments. I need to catch up with me.

I have managed to fit in a workout every day for almost a week and a half. Some at home doing yoga or climbing up and down our basement stairs. Most at the gym by work.

I have been pushing myself extra hard, and the only thing I can attribute it to is my inspiration of She-Ra and the discovery of my inner programming because of that show. I want to see if I can do it, if I can look like her. That is, after years and years of subconsciously trying to be like her to some degree or another.

Anyway, my post work workout today on the treadmill was uncomfortable. My legs are cranky and I couldn’t go as fast as usual.

That’s after a salt bath last night and about 4 hours of either working on my muscles myself or having Nathan help me.

I feel like my muscles are starved for something…. I’m breathing fine, so I doubt it is oxygenation. I’m taking all of my supplements, so I also doubt that it is nutrition. I’m staying hydrated as well as ever, so I might be a little short on fluids, but not excessively.

So, I think they just want the energy to heal damage from working them so extensively. I’m taking my thyroid meds, but I had backed off on seaweed to try not to swing high. I will try some extra seaweed when I get home.

Instead, for the moment I am putting thought energy towards healing while I sleep, specifically mending muscles, shrinking skin, and burning the fat that I am still carrying. I have been focusing on those processes since my legs started complaining on the treadmill.

I’m also going to stretch really well when I get home. I have been doing yoga every few days, but my legs definitely need more stretching than they have received. I want my body to have what it needs in every respect, and I’m still doing my best to accommodate everything.

That’s why I stopped. I just needed a moment of chill and regrouping before landing at home with kids excited to see mommy.

I need my brain to catch up with my day and my week so that I’m not overwhelmed with the logistics of getting home and still needing to take care of me some. It’s a tricky balancing act to give my kids the attention they desire and still fit in doing the activities I need for myself.

Not impossible, just tricky. Sometimes I manage just fine, sometimes not.

This afternoon I feel like if my brain doesn’t catch up, then I could potentially have issues with the rest. Just trying to head that off at the pass. Of course a dose of herbs straight in the door would probably help too, fortunately we keep the “Free and Easy Wanderer” on the shelf by our dining table which is 10 steps inside the garage door. It’s like this moment has happened before🤪!

That’s because it has.

Anyway, a few moments alone and then I make my attempt at being mommy.

May you have good workouts. May you feel great always. May your muscles always have what they need. May you have moments of escape when you need them. May your brain always cooperate with you. May you body heal when you sleep, and above all may you know that God loves and supports you in every way.

Om Shanti

Allopathic ignores Mind-Body

This is a slight continuation of my previous post. I forgot one point I wanted to convey.

Allopathic medicine chooses to ignore the Mind-Body connection.

I chose my words here carefully. It is a conscious choice of medicine to ignore the role of the mind in the health of the body.

There is pretense to help with the mind because depression and anxiety have a whole host of medications that are often picked randomly and given a fair chance to help. There is also various methods of mental counseling, some of which can help greatly. I myself have utilized those techniques after medications fell horribly short of any relief (they didn’t do anything because my depression was thyroid linked and medications attempted didn’t even address thyroid for decades).

However, those psychological techniques are merely tools that one can use to right their own thoughts and realign with their higher self. In order for lasting relief to be gained one must practice them until they become second nature. That is the hardest part and the one that American Allopathic medicine currently could not care less if you actually master them.

Here in America you are given 14 weeks to break free from depression’s death grip. If that fails, it is up to you to figure out how to obtain more care, which often means either switching practitioners or taking a break so that your care can be counted as a new 14 weeks. Certain diagnosis’ can get you indefinite care, but often at your own expense regardless of income level, that is unless the condition is so severe it is found as a permanent disability.

Yet, this is after Allopathic medicine has well documented the placebo effect, the effects of meditation on the mind and body, and many instances of spontaneous healing of a wide variety. They have documented it so well that most doctors will say, yes it’s a possibility but because we don’t know how it works we can’t rely on it.

Yet they do know how it works. Hundreds of studies on meditation have documented direct effects on the mind and the body. They range from hormone level changes, to nerve function, to brain function during MRI’s, to effects on blood pressure and heart rate. They have documented thousands of cases of the effects of solid meditation in the mind and body. Enough to even have statistics along the lines of: X meditation practiced Y amount of time leads to Z percent of relief.

So why isn’t meditation and those other psychological techniques a priority? Why don’t we teach everyone how to do them and guide them enough that they do become second nature?

I believe the reason for this and my previous posts’ points is that they want us to stay sick.

They make more money off of us when we are not fully well. The American Allopathic system makes a ton of money off of treating symptoms enough to keep us alive but not fully healed. That is the biggest pandemic of all, and one that many people are still blind to.

Just like my thyroid disease. It was ignored for 20 years while trying depression meds; given basic medication treatment for 6 and was promised a lifetime of continued medication. I, via a helpful client have stumbled onto the true root cause and thus a potential final solution. If the hypothesis works I won’t need medication any more, which means the medical system will quit making money off of me. They can’t stand that idea.

What started as a system over 200 years ago with intent to genuinely help people heal, has become a big money making factory system. We are all just the cogs that keep it running. If you choose to decided that that is unacceptable, like me, you will likely run into the same wall of uncooperative doctors that I did. It simply becomes a threat to their livelihood. You will have to stand your ground and keep your wits about you, because they will do their best to dissuade you or convince you that your desires are either impossible or crazy. They will do anything to challenge your intelligence and make their system of symptom management seem like it is the better and only real choice.

The biggest problem is that they control the necessary tools to document your progress and processes. With the exception of most blood based labwork, you need the damn doc’s to order bigger tests and write temporary scripts to buy the time needed to accomplish the real goal. For some of the alternative treatments you would also have to have a practitioner willing to do them, and some of those treatments require specific certifications or an MD. That has been my battle the last 2 years, that is once I realized if I wanted full health and that I would have to take matters into my own hands and figure it out on my own. Now I battle to find someone willing to help me, and hopefully my client’s Functional Medicine guy will be my answer.

If you are on a journey like me, I wish you the best of luck and recommend the following documentaries.

The Secret” and it’s counterpart “The Opus”

What the bleep do we know

”Heal”

“The Gut, Our Second Brain

There are dozens of others that will come up if you watch those, it will truly become a rabbit hole.

May you be well informed on your health possibilities. May you see new avenues to try. May you find practitioners willing and able to help you with your preferred choices. May you find the answers you seek. May you find your way out of being a medical cog. May you find true health. May you be wholley well and fully healed. May you live the life you desire.

Siva Hir Su

Wading through energetic tar.

This weekend with handling my father’s belongings, followed by spending half of Monday taking him to doctor and errands, I feel like I am walking through energetic tar.

I feel heavy, exhausted, and thoughts that I know are not mine keep running through my head. When it’s not his thoughts, I remember obscure moments of trauma from my childhood. I am struggling to escape the darkness, knowing that much of it is my father, but carries a sense of karmic inevitability. I have not escaped repeating some of his worst traits despite spending 2 decades attempting to right the damage. I wonder if I will ever fix it and stop the karmic wheel. I want so badly to get every nano-shred of him out of me, even re-write my DNA to turn his genes off. They are not serving me at all.

Since all of his mess is causing things to resurface for me, I decided to write. Writing has always helped me to clear things from my mind, but this time I think I need more.

NLP or Neuro-Linguistic Programming is a technique I have used off and on over the years. I was introduced to it by a friend studying psychology not long after graduating from highschool. It is a psychological technique for transforming a traumatic memory into more of a disassociated story that you can step away from and send love to.

Essentially when a memory surfaces that carries intense emotion, you move your viewpoint mentally and see it from a distance as if flying overhead or watching a distant movie. It enables you to tell it as a story, but one that belongs to someone else. Once complete, you can give the story version of yourself all of the things that you needed or wanted in that moment. So for example I can say to the scared little girl: “I know that moment was really hard to be in, but I love you and you made it through. You know those people were having a really hard time themselves, or they wouldn’t have acted like that.” Then visualize giving my younger self a hug.

I have used this technique many times, but it seems I need to do so again. So this post is likely to be very long. Several memories have surfaced this week. I am really ready for my father to leave with my sister. Only a few more days to go.


K-Mart gone wrong:

A beautiful little blonde haired girl of about 3 or 4 years old is in the cart. Mommy told her she could have the toy, it was on blue light special. She looked so happy.

They make it to the register and start checking out. Her daddy comes and starts yelling at her mommy. He’s so angry that she spent so much.

The little girl looks at her toy and seems like she is about to cry. She looks scared. Her daddy is so angry he starts shaking his fist. The register lady gets scared and steps back, she asks the girl’s mommy if she needs to call someone. The mommy is in tears but says: no, it’s okay, it’ll be fine. The daddy storms out of the store, and the mommy pays and follows quickly, pushing the cart of groceries with the little girl in the seat still holding her toy.

Her daddy was quiet all the way home, but yelled at her mommy more after dinner. She tells her mommy she could give the toy back, she didn’t need it. Her mommy says no, it’s not because of the toy, she just needs to be more careful.

The response:

Little girl, please know it’s not your fault. One little clearance toy is just a tiny drop in the bucket. It was the size of the bucket that got your daddy so upset. He did not handle it well. He had not been taught what to do when costs were more than he could manage. He was mad at himself for not being able to handle what was needed, and at your mommy for not planning better or telling him what was happening. Please know you are loved and neither of your parents meant for that to happen. You made it through okay and things will get easier someday. I love you and you will learn how to do better.


Unable to protect:

Two kids stand doing dishes after dinner. The big brother washes at the sink, and the little girl stands on a stool nearby to dry them.

Their dad had scolded them for a dirty bowl at dinner, so they are both trying to make sure that the dishes are really clean. Brother asked sister to watch and try to catch anything he missed. She’s doing that. If she’s sees some little bit, she’s trying to use the towel to get it. If it’s more than the towel can get, she gives it back to him.

One damn frying pan just won’t come clean. He scrubs and scrubs. He thinks he finally got it and hands it to her. She starts to dry it and sees a little spot. She’s trying like mad to get the spot to come off when dad comes in the kitchen. He asks why she’s scrubbing so hard with the drying towel. She tries to say she just wants to make sure it’s really dry.

Dad yanks it from her hand and tells her to move. He looks at the pan and starts yelling. She cowers in fear, her feet won’t move but she wants to run. He’s yelling at her brother, louder and louder, saying he can’t do anything right. He makes her brother scrub it again, but only gives a few seconds before yanking it back. It’s still got the spot. He yells even louder, her brother freezes.

Dad thinks he’s being ignored and *WHAM*.

Dad hits her brother with the frying pan full force, up against his head. He throws the pan on the stove. It is bent so much it doesn’t sit flat anymore. The pan is ruined. Dad starts yelling again. “Your skull is so thick it ruins pans, no wonder you can’t do anything right!” He screams. “You’re not good for anything, get out of here. I’ll do them myself!”

He turns and looks at the girl. “You too. Get out of here, now!”

They both hurry to their rooms. Both in tears. They sit on their beds either side of the same wall. Crying into pillows.

The response:

You did your best. You tried to keep your brother safe, that’s what counts. You were just kids, no one is perfect, even adults. He should not have been so upset over a dirty dish. He definitely should not have hit anyone, let alone with a frying pan. Your big brother is smart and you were both doing your best. It was not right for him to act like that and it was horrible for him to treat you both that way. You deserve to be treated better. You deserve to be shown love not hatred. God loves you. Your mom loves you, she couldn’t stop it either. She tried to protect you both and failed. She’s very sorry you were hurt. Times will get better. You will understand one day, and you will always remember that and do your best to do better. You are a beautiful girl and you will figure out better. I love you.


Not strong enough:

A family building a deck. They just moved into a new neighborhood. All was going okay. They took a lunch break, mom served them drinks. It was hot, but tolerable. Kids were trying to help.

The boy about 14 or 15, the girl 12. The mom was pregnant, so she did light work.

Dad needed to cut boards. Several went ok. One had a big knot. Dad told the girl she wasn’t strong enough. Her brother had to try and hold the board still enough to cut. Between measures and prep, he kept yanking the board free. Then he would yell that it needed to be held good. Insults to intelligence and demands to listen yelled in between “Hold it still!” He yelled over and over. Finally, the brother thinks he has appeased his father. He had a strong hold of the board in a position that his dad wants. The saw whirrs up and cutting begins. The blade catches the knot and the board wobbles.

Dad paused in place to yell some more. Demanding the son hold it harder from a specific spot. The son does exactly as he requested. The saw starts moving and catches the knot again, the board kicked hard and the saw cut wrong.

The dad throws the saw down, yanks the board and before anyone could respond the board flies at the son’s shoulder. It hits the boy’s shoulder and bounces hard into his head. Dad throws the board onto the ground and yells and yells and yells. Neither child can do right, neither is any good at anything.

Mom comes out and demands he stop yelling. Her son needs an ice pack for the damage done. Mom takes both children to the kitchen. She puts ice on the now very large goose-egg on the brother’s head. She apologizes to them over and over again saying she has tried so hard to get their father to stop being so mean. She doesn’t know what else to do and is so sorry they keep getting hurt.

The response:

You were so young, no one expects a small child to be able to do something like that. There is no way either of you could have made him happy, he wanted something intended for an adult to accomplish. You did your best, you could not have changed the situation. You could not have fixed anything. It was so hard for you to watch, and I’m so sorry that you had to watch that happen. Your brother knows you couldn’t fix it or change anything. He loves you. Your mom loves you. She really did mean what she said. There wasn’t anything anyone could do. Your dad is just too broken. He never learned how to act, how to manage anger and frustration. He never learned that you can’t treat children like that. He taught you very bad habits, but you are going to be the better person. You are going to figure it out. You are going to learn how to change, and in the process you are going to get so strong that a stupid board will never win again. I love you, you are beautiful and strong and will change your world one step at a time.


There is more, but my heart is raw right now. I think I need a breather. I may finish with a second post later, or just handwrite in a journal. I really needed this. I have been through so many things that I deserve all the accolades for as far as I have gotten on my own. I do love me for trying, for doing better, for becoming a stronger better person. I will get there. I will solve this and stop the karmic wheel. I will teach my children how to fix all of it for them too.

May you have moments full of growth. May you release negative experiences and find a way to clear the way for self love and acceptance. May you understand traumas in helpful ways. May you find peace in the midst of chaos. May you know you are being guided to healing. May you see your way clear of energetic muck. May your karmic wheel become easy to manage. May you find healing for yourself and your family. May you know God loves and supports you and always did. May you know trauma is almost always because the person acting out is hurting and disconnected from God. May you find forgiveness for the hurts you incurred in your life.

Siva Hir Su