Tag Archives: help

All that is, ever has been, and ever will be.

That’s one of many descriptions, definitions if you will, of God. The weight of that statement carries with it the finite nature of the infinite creator. If God is all of that then he’s literally seen everything, experienced everything. He’s bored.

So today I wished I could change that for God. Today I wished I could do something so radically different it would surprise even the divine.

I did not want that just for me, but truly for God because I had a moment where everything was not just feeling the same, but that I felt any choice I made would bring more of the same in guise of something different. I realized that God is probably saying the same thing: I could do that, but it’ll just bring more ___.

One thing is for certain, if I die this year, it won’t be because of covid19. There are far larger fish to fry in my sea. No it’ll be because of a sense of completeness.

I thought about how many diseases God has experienced. I thought about humanity itself. There is a finite number, albeit extremely massive, of the ways genes can combine to create a body. That means that over millennia my body has existed probably several times over. Hell there’s probably been two or three of me that even had similar energetic junk to deal with. So God has literally seen it all. There are no more surprises. Thanks Battlestar Galactica for that bit of knowing.

I felt a sense of resignation with all of that. I don’t know what that’ll translate into. I have not experienced even an infintesimal fraction of what God has, but yet I am seeing how most any decision I make will bring more of the same in guise of different. There is no right answer.

All I do know is that I wish for more for God, for good for God, for something for God to look forward to. I don’t have an answer for myself, so I have no idea how to accomplish that, but it’s in my vortex now.

What I do know is I don’t like this world we’re in right now. My quality of life has plummeted, mostly from a sense that my profession though massively helpful in many ways is now seen as risky simply because I touch people. Even though massage has repeatedly been shown to lower stress levels and boost the immune system, I am seen as non-essential. The relaxation and stress reduction I provide is only acknowledged when people hit max density, instead of much sooner when it is best at preventing problems and illness. I could sanitize every surface every hour, even walls, and people would still avoid my service out of fear. The resulting ripple in my ability to support my family doesn’t help any.

I’ve heard of several people committing suicide this week and I’ve already been fighting off the desire myself. The solution has already begun to be far worse than the disease itself. What good is it to save lives from a virus to have them lost to suicide and crime resulting from the solution. I will do my best to stay buoyant and to keep reaching for better regardless, and will do my best to maintain the shreds of my quality of life through my art and music and meditations.

What I do know is I have hit my limits for wanting to solve anything myself. I have lost earthly desire. I do know that thanks to the chiropractor and kinesiology, I have a few things to eliminate from my diet (again). But God knew that would happen too.

I had a sense that God is sitting there listing off dismisally: ants go do ant things, birds do bird things,…,…, Humans go do human things….

It might catch him off guard if humans started acting like birds. Just sayin’.

What if we just started with “love thy neighbor” instead of stay 6 feet from anyone. How about instead of don’t touch, we demonstrated confident kindness and compassion. How about instead of taking for granted the portion of society that has the luxury to be able to work from home, we rallied for those that can’t. How about recognizing that everything in this world exists because it was essential to someone at some point- it wouldn’t have continued if it weren’t essential for many. How about instead of shunning others for everything perceived as negative we take a moment to reach for compassionate understanding of how they might have gotten there.

May we all love our fellow humans, may we act more like wildlife and go with the flow of life. May we all find brighter more loving linings. May we find a way to surprise and delight God. May we put God first in all of our decisions and stop trying to be God. May we all see the repetitions with fresh eyes and better perspective. May we all find better solutions.

Siva Hir Su

I’m not the only one holding on.

Today my thoughts are with Florida. Friends of friends are there. One set of direct friends I haven’t heard from, but Nathan is keeping an eye on their facebook since I don’t have an active account. One grandma and her parents (Anya’s great’s) are about halfway between Tampa & Orlando.

Keeping everyone in my thoughts and prayers. Anya has a trip planned to go down there with a friend in October. I’m wondering if their trip will end up being a volunteer opportunity to help with cleanup. 

The news is stressful. It makes me remember why I don’t usually watch the news. Yet I feel the need to know if loved ones will survive. Mostly I think they will, but it’s still a bit close to call. So, I’m trying to moderate my check in’s, to stay apprised without causing too much emotional distress for myself.

Today I must get paperwork and computer work done, so that will be a welcome distraction. Later I will meditate and send light, love, and prayers. I suspect resources and hands will be vital over the coming weeks, but I myself am limited with the new job starting. I’ll send money once I have it, there’s definitely enough ways to donate. I hope many, many others are able to provide hands on assistance.

Do what you can. Start with meditations and prayers now, and any resources you can offer once the storm clears. Support your fellow humans in whatever way you can.

Intensity & contemplation


I’ve been receiving messages for a while now. If  you’ve been reading my blogs, you might know better than I how long. Some of those messages I’ve said what I believe them to mean.  Others I admitted stumped me.

One such set, I was half afraid was telling me my Nathan was going to die. They included references to DR, & ER, & 8X (which I took as infinitely crossed). There was always an N or N8 with them, and 530 was common as well as 37.  It freaked me out and Nathan and I had several conversations about “you have to promise me you’ll stick around”.

Well yesterday, I found out that our friend Nate who’d gotten cancer from the horrible preservative he was responsible for at his former work- BHTQ, had passed away on May 30th. He was 37 years old. 

I was astounded,  I realized the messages had just been validated.  All of them.  Even though I have yet to understand what some of them mean. I said a prayer for Nate and his wife and kids.  I thanked whomever was sending the messages and promised I’d do my best to interpret better. I thanked “them” for even sending/ providing the messages to me. I was beside myself,  no words. 

Later that night,  I awoke with a wonderful intensity. I felt great joy,  happiness, relief, all at once. I knew Nate had woke me up. I felt a twinge of sadness,  over leaving his  family and the wake of grief it caused.  Yet there was such an overpowering relief of “I feel so much better”. It was so intense I shook with excitement. It must have been an actual physical shake because Ian stirred beside me wanting a bottle. 

As I floundered in the kitchen trying to find the bits of bottle, still shaking,  I exclaimed “a little help here”. It was like one pot in the dirty dishes pile was highlighted,  & as soon as I moved it I found the missing package of bottle nipples.

Upon returning to bed,  Ian took the bottle of milk & drank himself back to sleep. I layed down,  head swimming with amazement thinking I needed to be up in 4 hours. At that moment I felt a tug on my arm. Being trained in Unwinding, I  automatically followed the tug.  My arm slowly and uncomfortable began to reach backward (massage therapists spend all their time reaching forward,  so the reverse is always tight). Then much more easily and gracefully reached forward and upward. The message just clicked,  a knowing.  Reaching to the past can be uncomfortable because of past hurts and “failures”, reaching forward is easier and ok.  Just keep reaching for the better things and times in the future. 

I knew the message wasn’t just for me. Though I benefited,  I knew I had to let his wife know.  I thanked Nate & said you know I need to be up in less than 4 hours,  I’ll tell her.  & I felt like he hugged me & left. I texted Nathan about  it since he was still out working & then went back to sleep.  Very sound sleep. 

When I woke in the morning I messaged his wife about it.  As I was reading my words to my Nathan we both felt an overwhelming sensation- I would describe as gratitude and relief and love all mixed together.  It made me cry. I hope my words help her and the rest of the family.

Nathan started laughing and smiling.  He told me “No, you’re not psychic!” I said “I’m not.  If I were a psychic I’d  have understood the message before he passed.”  He just said “maybe that was the point this time”. I didn’t have  a response. The rest of the morning I just kept feeling the need to sigh. Over and over again. Big intense sighs.

I’m grateful for Nate’s visit and his message,  I’m grateful for all the other messages “they” have given me. It’s simply astounding. I’m sad Nate is gone,  he was a great guy, & I know the grief everyone that loved him feels. I’m glad he’s found peace & relief. I’m a bit overwhelmed with the whole interaction & sensation, it was very intense & I still don’t have full vocabulary to  describe it. At a loss for words. 


One of the messages I’ve been receiving seems to imply my desires for Atira will be met soon. How soon,  I’m not sure. The divine functions on a different time scale than we do,  so soon might still be a while from my perspective. 

Anyway,  in contemplating having Atira, I’m working on figuring out logistical concerns.  I’ve acknowledged, through massage therapy & other life interactions, there are people that:

1) take a little help & run with it doing great things

2) more slowly absorb help and eventually create change,  but may need lots of reminders or encouragement or help problem solving the details

3) want the help, but fail to implement said help at all, and thus repeat their sad cycle relentlessly, often with many an excuse as to why they failed

In Atira, I’m primarily looking to help the homeless that fall in the first 2 categories.  Where even if the process is slow,  my time, energy,  and resources will ultimately be well worth it. 

The 3rd group I would probably refer to the typical resources already available. 

My problem is I have yet to figure out which is which until I’ve spent a significant amount of time interacting with people. So there in lies my contemplation.  How does one tell quickly if someone will take useful advice and help,  and apply it to their lives, even if slowly; vs not at all. How does one weed out the excuses people, to  be able to maximize ones resources actually helping those that would benefit? 

On that I don’t have an answer yet.  It will come.