Tag Archives: higher-self

Figured it out: 2

So, I found myself reevaluating my SG/SJ (or is it JS?) Online duo from aeons ago. I realized that at this point, even though I’m pretty sure I’ve figured out at least one half of the duo, I don’t need confirmation anymore. Not only that, I have come to a comfortable place of not wanting or needing them to do anything. I realized that even if they did come forward with honesty, that at this point I would probably be wary of a continuation of that dishonesty and all their half-truths, and it would be rather pointless. I also realized that I would have difficulty trusting much of anything, and that isn’t what a solid relationship is built upon. Additionally, I realized that anyone willing to do what was done, and not seek forgiveness sooner, has bigger psychological problems needing addressed that I’d rather avoid. Especially in a been there, done that, sort-of way. I know that I personally deserve better because I did already deal with that, and in several instances in my lifetime. I won and now it’s time for rewards.

That then stirred thinking.

Between relearning how to play Magic the Gathering, and relearning to separate singular from plural “they”  by using “they are” vs “they are all”, and several other similar relearnings, I know am doing better and better everyday.

The biggest factor is because I am learning to play the new game of life, with the new rules, and I’m doing quite well with it.

We are all in that boat, and some of us are doing better than others. Those that are unable to learn the new ways will eventually perish. I’d like to believe that I am doing better than enough to survive, but only time will tell. For that reason I’m grateful to every person that helps me learn an aspect of the new ways. Yet I’m not perfect and still make my own mistakes. So, I am also grateful when I figure something out enough to help my children or those around me, but I’m also grateful when those around me have patience with my moments of failure where I’m still playing catch up.

I think it’s time we all start cooperating and working together to navigate this new world we are living in. I think it’s time to acknowledge limitations so that we can work together to compensate for those limitations and find better solutions. I believe it is time to let go of forcing ourselves or anyone else to do, act, behave, or be certain ways. There are more options than that, if we let them in, and frankly I would love to let all of the good in.

For me personally I am doing my best. I am doing my best to be a kinder, gentler mom, and show my children how to navigate this world one step at a time. I am doing my best to be a good friend to those I care about, and show them I do care, by thinking of them and then following through with those moments of thought. I’m doing my best to take care of my husband and help him.

But beyond all of that I am doing my best to acknowledge my own limitations and give myself a break. I would love to do more for more people, hell I would love to do more for those I already care about. Sometimes I feel bad because I want to do more and can’t, and I’m doing my best to come to terms with the fact that I am only one human, and I do have limits of both time and resources. You can only fit so much into a day or week, and you can only help so many before it takes a toll on self, and that is where I’m at. It has started taking a toll and I must care for myself or I will break again.

So, today I have focused on positive self-talk and the things that I need. I have focused on moments that I have provided for others and asked: “How I can let those same moments in for myself?” I have focused on movements and what my body is telling me: what is tight, where are the restrictions and why. I have focused on giving my body space to breathe and for energy to flow. I have chased down blocks for both clients and myself, even if there are many more to go. I did a little art work on my big commissions, and bought a bouquet of flowers for a friend who’s under-the-weather from chemo. I have flowed the Reiki for myself and my clients. And, I have written this to congratulate myself, because if no one else does, then I must honor and respect myself. I am doing my best, and all things considered it’s not half bad, so I deserve to have kudos in any form it takes.

There are solutions and I am intent on finding them. I wish for everyone around me to heal, and the best way to enable that is to figure out this new life and the new rules, and make it work well enough for myself to show others it is possible. We all deserve better and I will continue to do my best to pave a way for that.

I am doing better and better, and I wish that for everyone, and I deserve to see it begin to manifest. My body is healing, slowly, but surely, and I wish that for everyone. Let’s make this plandemic fail and let all the chips fall. We can do it if we all work together and acknowledge that because of said event, the world and human experience, has changed in many ways. Once the toothpaste is out of the tube there is no going back. We must all do our best to move forward and find new ways of living, but most of all find new ways to work together for actual solutions. Humanity will evolve, or our species will quickly become extinct. For me personally, I have new dietary needs and reactions, and healing damage to organs can take a long while. I will continue to do my best to support my body as fully as I am able.

I am doing my best to let go of the past, the old ways, the old rules, the old language structure, the old habbits of being. Because, only in letting go can I allow the new ways to be absorbed/learned. I deserve to allow as much as I am humanly able, and I deserve to experience patience from those around me. Everything takes time, everything in due time.

I am worthy and I deserve to be free and healthy.

You do too!

May you see your way to allowing better for yourself and others. May you have patience with others still learning the things you’ve mastered first. May you see there are many ways to accomplish the same goals, and that everyone deserves access to all of them, not just a singular one to be forced. May you see that health is more than avoiding disease, and that often the human experience is learning how to overcome any obstacle you face. May you see that how well you navigate all obstacles is a major factor in your health. May you understand that feelings felt are the indicator of how accurate your thought was, and really have no bearing on the topic thought about. May you see a way to find the best feeling thought regardless of how tough the topic at hand is. May we all survive this shift and find a way to thrive in this new version of human experience. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

J

Okay, so first disclaimer. I took cannabis meds tonight to help my state of being. I may be struggling enough that I took a little more than usual, and thus I’m feeling it tonight. Not bad, actually quite good, I just felt I should note that I’m writing from a slightly-altered state of mind.

I had a thought
I'm not sure how it was brought
I wondered if she'd rather be called
J
I grew up with a brother that went by
JJ
He had a feminine side
Father tried to beat out of him
Dad given nickname
He came to hate
I wondered if that was why
He preferred
JJ
JJ is androgynous
It doesn't pick a side
It doesn't let you decide
So would be J
She grew up a girl
With behavior more befitting
A boy
I relate
Mud pies, skinned knees,
Playing war as long as
My brother didn't win too much
She had sisters and parents
Of similar age as mine
She was born a girl after all
Who would think different
I heard my father's words
Echo bitterly:
"If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck...."
Bullshit of generations past
Too weak to allow for more
Turning them to cowards of
Either/or
I want to allow more
I want to honor differences
I want to respect those that deserve
Respect
Just for being them
So I reach for
How
How do I ask
From genuine concern
And not sound like
An Ass
I'm not good at this
Because our generation was
Those that admitted
We were
Different
But labels
Weren't firm
Weren't decided and settled
There wasn't discussion or education
And didn't get used accurately
Often
Parents were oblivious
They thought they were
Doing great
But never noticed
The poor example set
For learning to
Respectfully acknowledge
Individual vessel
For a much greater self
So even this unique
SELF
Doesn't always know
How to be addressed
I've been called
T
And it's just fine
Ambiguous
Allows for
Flexibility
I still like
My feminine
Celtic Wise Woman
Name
Near my heart
For being
My choice
But I have
And always will
Keep up with
The boys
Whenever it matters
To ME
So Ambiguous
Sounds good to me
Because I can be
Girly girl
Manly Woman
One of the boys
Whatever
I need
In any moment
It allows for
More me
To just
BE
~ Treasa Cailleach

May you always know how to ask respectfully. May you see more possibilities for yourself and others. May you find a way to honor the whole of someone you care about. May you be patient with those that are doing their best to improve. May you be equally patient with yourself for aiming for those same and even more improvements. May you have love in your heart for every uniqueness. Above all, may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

2 was too much.

I should not have had children. I can’t handle the ones I have. I can’t be a responsible parent because it’s killing me. The stress, the worries, but most of all the knowing that I have passed on the traits I tried so hard to stop. I have perpetuated the damage that my parents wrought on me, especially that of my father. I was not able to stop it and I’m watching my children repeat those bad behaviors. Plus I even passed on the resulting disease. Everything I do only seems to make it worse instead of better. I can’t fix this and I wish I’d never caused it to begin with. I should never have had children. I’m sorry, please forgive me. The universe only made it very difficult to bear children, it didn’t eliminate the possibility. I should have given up before I even started. If I had let myself completely go I’d already be dead and there would have never been a child to begin with. I think that was my biggest mistake, trying to fix something that wasn’t worth the effort. I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you. Can I go home now? No more battles, no more striving, no more trying, just peace.


These are the deep dark thoughts of my brain that I do my best to ignore. They eat at me anyway. Bonus I know my father thinks them. You see when I get on the wavelength of these thoughts I even start to take him on. Right now my left foot is swollen and I just had a moment where I felt like I was stuck in his failing body. I lost it on my whiney children because of the 3D reality in front of me, but I felt like I was standing looking at my adult sister. I feel exhausted and just want to sleep and never wake up. My brain is trying to calculate the easiest way to ensure that. I had the realization I should have never lived to begin with, and I can’t take back the love I have for my children, but I felt distinctly like they didn’t give a shit about my existence.

See I don’t have to call my father, because every single negative trigger in my universe takes me front and center to his psyche and his current existence. It literally kills me a little every time it happens, and I use every bit of my being to stay away from it as much as possible.

My real, sane, prayer is that it ends very soon. I can and will heal if it ends. I also pray that the divine fixes what I can’t. My beautiful children deserve the same healing and the same disease to stop. I do love them, I don’t wish any of this negative toxicity on them, but they have already been poisoned. I beg the divine to fix what I can’t. For their sake, for their children’s sake, for the world’s sake.

May you never know the agony of living like this. May you never fight tooth and nail to fix generations old damage. May you never be faced with an invisible force that you are powerless to stop. May you never wish death upon yourself. May you find a way to gain control of what is normally under your will. May you find a way to safely manage those horribly damaging things that aren’t. May we all get through these times and clear the other side safely. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Suga’ Breathe… That’s for me.

Still working on pulling up. Had some thoughts of the progress sort, and wanted to share them. I’m feeling like poems fit the bill.

The first poem is building on the meditation concept from yesterday, where the in breath was “I am greater than my body” and out breath was “I am greater than my mind”. Each line of the poem is intended as one breath in or out.

The second poem was a result of contemplating my stress induced unhelpful food choices of late, and how to correct.

In between is a very applicable song, and one that helps me a lot.

The title picture for the post is me wearing a 2X shirt. It was a free marketing ‘gift’. I used to completely fill shirts that size once upon a time. Now I feel like I’m wearing a tent. It was a moment of appreciation of my progress and a helpful distraction.

Breathe:Know
(A meditation in poetry)

In: I am
Out: me

I Am
Here
I am
Present
I am
Connected.

I am
Energy
I am
Light
The Fire
That fuels
My
Being,
Inspires
Life.

I am
Matter
I am
Atoms
And
Nuclei,
That which
Grounds
My body
In Now.

I am
Water
Flowing
Through
Veins
Carrying
Oxygen
And nutrients,
Flowing
In and out
Cells' walls.

I am
Air,
Breath
Filling
Lungs,
Inspiration
In action,
Stirring
Processes
To solutions.

I am
Whole
I am
Me
I am
Greater
Than what
Is seen
I am
Divine
In flesh.

I am
Where
Above
Meets
Below,
Sky
Meets
Land,
Spirit
Meets
Flesh,
In between,
The cusp of
The veil,
The brim of
The vortex.

I am
Beautiful
I am
Love,
Venus'
Soul
As
Woman,
Creative
Power
Is mine.

I am
Strong
I am
Capable
I do
More
I reach
For
Greater.

I am
Better
I am
Well,
I heal
Inside
And out,
Top to
Bottom,
Front to
Back,
Left, Right,
And everything
In between.

I am
Me
Growing
Doing
Being
Improving
Healing
Moving
All
I am

~ Treasa Cailleach

See the Suga'

Chocolates, peanut butter cups
Rice, pastas, breads
Peaches, apples, berries galore
All sweetness
Craved
By taste buds.

A symptom of
Imbalance.
Cravings,
A desire to
Restore balance.
Cravings stir
Addictions
When efforts
Become futile
Cycles.

The imbalance
Too much bitter
Outside self.
The body knows
There must be sweetness
Somewhere.
The craving starts.
A void of sweetness
No food can fill.
If one uses food
Addiction is certain
Endless cycles
Of unfulfilled
Cravings

Real solutions
Are to see the
Sweetness
Everywhere
Possible

If bitterness
Fills experience
Then sweetness
Must rise to
Balance
Bitter experience
If sweet fills diet
Then bitter
Must rise to
Balance
Sweet diet

Yin
Balances
Yang
Or eventually
Excess
Manifests
Deficiency
Natural cycles
Will always
Work towards
Correcting
Restoring
Balance

See the Suga'
Taste the bitter
Right wrongs
Fill voids
Properly
Restore
Balance
Of Self

~ Treasa Cailleach

One last tidbit: Be kind to yourself. Knowing concepts, and being able to navigate their use in times of crisis, are two very different and separate things. Often we know what to do, but have difficulty accomplishing those things when life erupts. Forgive yourself for your lapses and allow others to help when you fail. Hopefully we all have someone willing to help when we fail. We all need someone sometimes.

May you see your improvement. May you find your inner self easily. May you have enough energy, time, and resources for anything you need or desire to do. May you feel better easily and maintain it mostly. May you find your balance and honor and respect yourself. May you find all the ways to see the sweetness and give yourself some much needed love. May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Mind Yourself

I find that I am needing to take my own advice again.

“Mind yourself” came about because my son is a Leo and his firey personality is easily angered and frustrated by others actions and words, especially those of his siblings. He often feels the need to roar like a lion and make his feelings about them be known. So lately I’ve just been gently reminding him to mind himself and ignore everything else. It takes a concerted effort, but eventually he does mind himself and relax.

It seems I need to listen to my own advice because I keep taking the bait, and reacting to others about stuff that I have let go of repeatedly.

Yet again everyone is in fear and speculating about all the things.

Everyone has an opinion about everything. Myself included.

Yet I am painfully aware that my opinions rarely align with others because most everyone around me wants to pick an extreme, and it depends on the topic and the person, as to which extreme I am subjected to.

This afternoon I simply went to say goodbye to coworkers I care for, and walked in to a discussion stirred by an article about venom being tested as an Covid solution.

I fell for the bait- again.

I said I was not surprised, and pointed out it wouldn’t be the first time venom has been used as a treatment for something. I also said I wouldn’t try it right now, but if it cleared proper testing and I ended up in a situation needing it, it likely wouldn’t be any riskier than any other options. At least someone is even attempting to produce options and solutions for people. I’m willing to evaluate and weigh risks of anything, it really depends on whether the risk is worth the potential results, and I whether I can handle said risk(s).

I also pointed out that us stupid humans make all kinds of mistakes, there’s not a human on this planet that hasn’t made a whole laundry list of mistakes, and sometimes I simply trust God more than any human options. Clarifying with several examples where “good science” or “good medicine” told us one thing for years, even decades or centuries, to later confess they were wrong.

Eggs being good or bad, the food guide pyramid being changed to the plate formula used now, the model of an atom has change multiple times, even the concept of being able to travel faster than sound once was impossible and now is. There are literally thousands of examples where both science and medicine have changed their minds as more data and more evaluation was possible. Our knowledge is only as good as the tools and information we have at any given time.

My phraseology and statements didn’t sit well with them… Again. I said goodnight and left, wishing I had just left without discussion.

So now I sit minding myself.

I’ve spent two days listening to Green Day and I remember why I love their music. They make awesome music off of knocking sense into the masses. Their songs are laden with righting wrongs, dealing with inner turmoil, and making sense of the senseless. Every last song I’ve heard of theirs makes me feel okay because I simply know I am not actually crazy nor am I alone in this mess.

I know that I see a bigger picture. I know that I make decisions based on my inner knowing more often than not. I know that I know how to reach my inner connection to the divine and when I’m not falling for ‘argue-with-me bait’, I know I am centered in that inner knowledge. I do know that I trust my inner being more than anything else, because it has never led me astray, only falling for someone else’s opinions has ever led me astray.

I may or may not be Mensa smart, but I know I am more intelligent than the average person, every test I have ever taken has shown that, and others notice my intelligence enough to tell me on occasion.

I know I am stronger than the average person and others notice all the time. It has provided an unending income stream of word-of-mouth referrals.

I know I am more energetically aware and in tune than the average person and others are noticing and telling me more and more frequently. It seems each week I get new requests for energetic work in addition to my massages.

I am hardworking and kind most of the time. I appreciate those around me, even when we disagree.

I do my best to help everyone around me, and my biggest fault is that there is only one of me attempting to do the work of 3 or 4.

I am a good person and I simply strive for better in whatever that means in any given moment or on any given topic.

I know that my inner being intended for me to be a beautiful goddess and I work on myself everyday reaching for the ideal I was always intended to be. I’m gradually shedding all of the toxic, old, negative junk that I collected as I grew up, and one day I will see clearly myself in my wholeness.

I have supported myself wholly and completely. There simply wasn’t anyone else to rely on for much of my life, even as a child my family really wanted me to be self sufficient to eliminate any burden on them. It was sink or swim and even though I almost sank in middle school, the rest of my life has been swimming and swimming and swimming (with a little floating on occasion). I will keep swimming with an occasional float to rest. One day I will reach shore and lounge on the beach for a rest. Then I will get up and keep walking. That is the journey of life, and I am on my journey for better or for worse. I will keep moving until whatever day that my divine half decides is fit for transition. I’m okay with knowing that.

I am okay. We are all okay. No matter what. Life is a journey and death is just a transition. It all keeps this immense infinite universe of ours moving forward.

May you find ways to mind your self. May you find ways to avoid taking the bait. May you see your self in the best ways and know that you are enough and that you are worthy. May you know that your life journey is all what you make it. May you know that you are okay no matter what, and that the universe is safe. May you think bigger to get past the little crap that has you stuck and focused in unhelpful ways. May you always find your source and float mostly. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti