Tag Archives: hocus pocus focus

Allowing what higher-self wants

Post medical rantings, I have done my best to focus on what I want. That beautiful healthy venus body I wrote of in my post “Turning Point” on August 19th, 2020, is in the forefront. I can really feel myself beginning to align with that body. I’m starting to see it in the mirror and especially when I look at old pictures.

When Anya was itty-bitty I looked like this:

Nearly 300 pounds.

Now I look like this:

Me with Katherine a few nights ago. The scale still reads 215, but my body is definitely much more lean than previous having worked ferociously to build muscle.

Yet it is more than that. I have thought about touch, and my intense feelings over touching and being touched by those that care. I have contemplated what love looks like to me and how others might see it. I have thought about keeping my word to God for doing good in this world. I have thought about my community and my role in the clinic, and my desires to own a business and potential near future decisions to make. I have though about my old desires of significant others that would help run businesses. I have thought about how I wanted to see my daily life playing out. I have thought about all of it.

Each and every instance, I reach for the moments in the here and now that match best, the closest confirmations of my progress. Where I have difficulty making things match those desires, I am doing my best to focus on what I want, and how I would adjust the current reality to match.

It has helped me focus in a big way and I am finding a sensation of alignment with my higher self more and more.

I still have challenging moments, feelings of futility or overwhelment, as in my posts from last week. I still feel, in moments which I can’t control the chaos, as maybe it is someone or something else’s influence and it tends to frustrate or infuriate me. Then I have to step back and realize that my higher self would be in control if I let it. One day there will be less of a delayed reaction and I’ll be able to stabilize faster.

Then there’s my kids and trying to help them navigate the energetic world. Anya pointed out a pattern where Ian displayed certain behaviors and I would react with certain phrases; I have been doing my best to step back and reach for alternative options to try and find a lasting solution. I am also trying to teach him things that I do to stop myself and realign when I know I’ve fallen off the positive wagon. I want so much to master myself quickly so that I can teach him the same successfully. He is so smart and right now he is still letting negative win more often than allowing positivity to win. I want so much for him to flip the scales and let the positives win. I will keep reminding myself of my beautiful little boy and his ability to experience joy and that he is super smart and has a big heart when it is allowed to shine brightly. I love my kids very much.

Ian’s first smile caught on camera (not actually his first smile).
Anya burying Ian (2 y.o.) at the KC Fun Farm corn pit, they were having a most excellent day.

And then there’s my Nathan. He’s my biggest challenge because I care so darn much for him. Everytime I see him struggling, be it: fatigue, plain jane illness, swelling in his feet from heart or kidney concerns, or even just seeing him loose his cool; I get upset and frustrated and sometimes loose my cool. It’s a knee jerk reaction because I love him and my brain wants to tell me he wouldn’t slip so much if he really cared. I know better, I myself slip more than I would like, it’s just that I want to see him fully healthy and happy as much as I want it for myself. I would love for my husband to conquer his health too, but I know he has even more challenging things to deal with than I do. We’re both doing our best and must take it one day at a time.

For now I reminisce over our early days together, before his divorce, before money problems, before his heart broke. He was so beautiful to me I did a portrait of him.

He still is beautiful to me and I wish I could erase the memories of the challenging moments we’ve faced together. I know they made us stronger in our relationship and emotionally, but those moments sucked and I would have wished them on no one. It is life, and I am ever so grateful that our love has survived it all, now if we can both regain our health, it’ll all be worth it. It is okay either way, we have learned and grown and become better people because of all of it.

So now, I look at my husband with fresh eyes.

I am doing my best to see him for where he is at and what he is currently reaching for. I do still love him very deeply and wish so much for him to find that which he seeks. I know he wants his health and his virility back, and I know he wants to be there for me and support and care for me and our children. He is a good kind man, and far more loving than my father ever was. I want so much for him to find his desires and regain his health, so that is what I have been doing my best to focus on lately.

I love seeing him and my children happy. I love seeing my family enjoying life fully. I love knowing my family has things to look forward to. I will do my best to stay focused on positive outcomes for all of us. I still wish for others to be part of this crazy but loving family, so I’ll send thoughts to that too, knowing if it never happens it’s okay because I am already loved very very much.

May you see the love around you. May you know you are loved. May you see all of the positive manifestations that validate your progress of allowing. May you understand how to focus to attract even better matches into your experience. May you find that you are able to balance everything well enough and find your alignment even in trying moments. May you find the solutions you seek and may your loved ones mostly find alignment right along with you. May you all have good things to look forward to and moments to enjoy deeply. May you know God loves and supports you and it is all okay.

Siva Hir Su

Long day rant to refocusing.

My 70 year old mom is right, this country is all a bunch of pussies. I may be pissed off right now because of too much stupidity and lack of logic invading my space today. I finally lost it after one of my residents agreed that the crisis crashed our economy and is hurting people in many ways, but denied that it was a self imposed poor decision. I went and hid in an unused common room, so as to not get myself in trouble. So, now that work is over I’m going to rant to get it out of my system. I’ll finish with a stretch on focusing on what I want to see in the new reality.

First this country is chalk full of over privileged pussies (like mom said), with no perspective on reality for humanity as a whole, which have caused a crisis for everyone. The fear of those few, afraid that a stupid virus might end their already miserable existence, has caused a cataclysmic chain reaction that even when undone will never truly return to what we considered normal.

First, our government has put corporations before citizens AGAIN in a hugely horrible economic disaster that can’t be undone anytime soon. Corporations bailed out to the tune of billions while American citizens fail to have enough to make ends meet. My neighborhood alone went from a few incidents a week, to 67 car break-ins in about 3 days. I can’t blame them, they’re trying to find anything they can hock to pay their bills. The Great Depression was essentially a complex oopse of improper regulation of banking and stock exchange, did we learn from that lesson. No we stepped it up and made even worse decisions, on purpose, causing nearly as bad of a crash, solely based on a virus that they’re finally admitting has an even lower death rate than the flu.

Watch “Ticked Off Vic: A Mssage to the Government | VicDiBitetto.net” on YouTube

Second despite all those gun toting republican hippocrites afraid their liberties will be taken away, our government has done just that. Deciding what is necessary or not, deaming that grocery store trips can’t include toy purchases even if your kids are going nuts being cooped up at home, ticketing people for being out of their homes. You were afraid about some guns, but THIS, this is okay!? The same republicans that deny women the right to birth control and abortion, suddenly having a conscious about “it’s my body, I have the right to decide”. It’s nice you finally discovered how important that is, but damn, did you have to wait for all of our liberties to be stripped before coming to that conclusion? Really?! One step from martial law and you finally decide this isn’t okay.

That’s nothing to mention all of the things that are likely happening behind the scenes because our government knows we’re distracted. They have a really good track record of sliding all kinds of things past us when an opportunity of distraction happens. What are all of you going to say in a year, or two, or ten when those things come out to the light of day?

And when did disease become political in the first place? It’s not politics, it’s science, and at that I’m discovering how many people are sorely uneducated on it, purely illiterate. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard facts cited as being the reason this virus is supposedly so bad, and my retort is that said fact applies to all viruses. Beyond that I keep reminding them their constantly dwindling data, didn’t account for anyone that caught it before testing was available, and still doesn’t account for any 3rd world countries or poverty ridden areas, doesn’t account for anyone not sick enough to be admitted to a hospital. Do you think anyone is wasting tests on homeless? Do you think any of the millions of uninsured poverty level families are being tested? No. Their numbers get more and more outlandish, and they’re not even accounting for even a third of the people that probably actually had it.

Sustainable disease control and prevention, that’s what I’ve argued all along. This is not that. This is not even a real quarantine. Real quarantines are only the sick people, and any family member that chooses to be with a sick person is held in the same conditions until all who are quarantined are clear of disease. Period. Sustainable disease control: wash hands first and foremost- repeat that frequently, don’t touch your own eyes/face to avoid catching something from having touched contaminated objects, sanitize surfaces and objects as frequently as realistic/manpower enables (depending on flow of people that might be hourly), hand sanitizer in a pinch (keep in mind sanitizer created super bugs like MRSA), did I mention wash your damn hands!!!!???

There is no proof the 6 feet works. It’s based on droplet travel distance from a cough only. See my previous posts with citation. Sneezes can travel up to 10 meters or 30 feet. Beyond that, once someone has breathed, coughed, or sneezed, those virus are still in the area, active and can still be spread via contact. 6 feet is pointless. Plexiglass panels are pointless, plexiglass cubicles might actually be beneficial if ventilated through filters, but you still have to come and go from them. Did you think about that?

But hey, all those 55+ that are retired on fixed incomes in fixed bill situations, you can hide in your little apartments or homes and you think everything is just fine and dandy. Or all those congressmen and representatives on lifetime fixed salaries. You’re not affected by job layoffs, families going from two incomes to one, or in my case a family going from 1 decent salary to half, or as my neighbors going from two incomes to none. You have no fucking clue what that is like. Then to find out your bank got a giant bailout, and you just get a furlough on your mortgage payments so it won’t impact your credit as long as you can make all your payments right after you return to work. Asshats. But yeah, none of the aforementioned would bother to wrap their brains around that. I had one resident try to go all “Nancy Pelosi trying to sneak her pets in”. When I asked for an example she cited the National Endowment for the Arts fund. I said, oh you mean the fund that pays for public television, the fund that pays for all of our libraries which have all shut down and laid off employees, the fund that allows artists to start businesses and pay for employees, that fund, yeah I can totally see how that wouldn’t be a good addition. NOT! Get a fucking clue.

So privileged, that you forget all of the other countries and why they aren’t in the news. Do you think little 12 year old Raj in India working 8 hour shifts as a child gets told to stay home. No! Do you think little Malik in Africa walking 30 miles to carry gerry-cans of water gets told to stay home. No! Those children, those families, are more concerned about finding food, more concerned about living through malaria and dysentery from bad water, more concerned about living through tumors from all of it, more concerned about how they will continue to have a relatively safe spot to sleep. There are billions of people on this planet that don’t even have basic needs met, let alone the ability to call a doctor and get any treatment or medication needed in a moments notice. But our over privileged society forgets that all too readily, forgets even here in the USA all of the millions that are under-insured, uninsured, cash-pay, that is if they even have enough cash to pay, and thus go without proper care, let alone a stupid test to see if they’ve got it. And still this disease has less than even the 3% death rate of the flu. Soooo scary, not!

You, as an American, still have a better chance of dieing from heart disease, cancer, or a car accident, than all viral diseases put together. Get a fucking clue, but that would mean that the vaccine industry would fail at getting us to keep buying into their trillions of dollars of profits on vaccines. If we’re not scared enough to fall for an untested emergency vaccine, then what might they do in 10 years when vaccine use declines from the hundreds of shots currently pushed, many of which are grossly ineffective, to a mere few of the genuinely worst. I mean when the vaccines they produce have the same 1 to 3% death rate as this disease, you literally have a coin toss as to which risk you’re willing to take. I personally would rather take my chances with the virus any day, because then I can skip the injection which includes formaldehyde, antifreeze, parabens, aluminum, thimerisol (mercury compound), and any number of hundreds of other chemicals commonly found in vaccines. One virus up against my immune system always loses eventually.

And that’s the other thing, learn your own conditions and stop using language you don’t fully understand. I swear if I hear one more person use “I’m immune compromised” improperly I may go postal. Here’s the deal, there are many auto-immune diseases that fall under immuno-deficiency that don’t actually mean you catch every disease that comes along. I have Hashimotos’, it is one such disease. My body attacks my thyroid because my immune system reacts to molecules, chemicals that it learned were bad. It means my general overall health stuffers because I gain weight over everything, every allergen causes me to have a host of thyroid related problems. Yet my overactive immune system kills viruses as efficiently as it tries to kill chemical compounds. So, as far as communicable diseases: I’m splendidly healthy. There’s a pancreatic version, liver disease that’s similar, RA, and nearly a dozen other diseases that fall in the same category. Odly enough (sarcasm) they are all first world diseases. They are all caused by our shitty foods, and toxic chemicals from pesticides, herbicides and preservatives, and yes possibly even the chemicals used in vaccines. We have done it to ourselves. So stop using your autoimmune disorder as a reason for your displaced fears. Get over yourself, learn your own shit for real, and learn what you need to do to heal. I have. Put up or shut up.

And then to top my day off, I stopped at QT for potty break and some unsweetened black raspberry tea. To find out all of the fountain drinks were unavailable, and my choice doesn’t come in a bottle. Okay, so I’m totally okay with eliminating the disposable cups, because even though they are recyclable, many people do trash them- it is good for the environment and I didn’t need a damn virus to go along on that ride, as I usually refill my own container anyway. But the drinks themselves, are you fucking crazy?! If you’re following the sanitization procedures for all food prep, and I know they do, then the drinks are safe. The only thing that can get contaminated is the damn customer handle. In this litigious society, all you need is a damn sign reminding people to be cautious and wash their damn hands after using the spigot. Simple, easy, give me my damn tea. Fucking ludicrous. If I was worried about the spigot, I wouldn’t be in the damn store to begin with. The decisions businesses are making are based on trying to meet the fear of those few clueless illiterate fraidy-cats, and aren’t even based in any real facts or evidence. If you, as a corporation, are going to try and cover your ass, do it right, be informed of actual risks, and act accordingly. If you don’t know, hire someone to tell you who definitely does; not maybe, not kinda, someone who really knows with certainty, beyond a shadow of a doubt. Corporations should be only following CDC guidelines by law, and otherwise seeking well informed legal and medical counsel. Doing anything because it was on the news or someone suggested, or a customer complained, is bad for business and quite risky. If your complaint was from an uninformed illiterate fraidy-cat then you’re setting yourself up for lost income and unnecessary costs. It’s better to preemptively prepare and train as to why it is okay to leave certain things in place, and lable use at your own risk. But hey, I just wanted my damn tea, and knew the risk, which I was willing to take, being certain at this point I’ve already had the damn virus.

So yeah, I am way beyond over this shit. I literally am hitting my livid wall and ready to start making heads roll. I need real sense to start happening, and the kind of logic that moves humanity as a whole forward. First world problems need to stay problems for the few, and leave the rest of the damn world out of it.

So that takes me to what I want to see.

  • My tea back at QT
  • Normal means of sanitization
  • Society being educated on normal disease processes and prevention
  • People owning themselves and being responsible for themselves
  • Only carrying out solutions that improve the whole picture. When the solution is worse than the disease we deserve a choice.
  • Solutions that work for everyone
  • The government putting individual citizens before corporations
  • Government agencies and politicians working together to real compromise solutions that help society and the world at large
  • Making strides to save our home planet so that multiple generations even have a chance at trying to further humanity
  • People having gratitude and perspective and acknowledgement of their privileged positions in society and life. Helping those less fortunate would be wonderful, but at least don’t cause greater problems for those less fortunate
  • Acknowledgement that the worst is indeed over and the disease was overestimated, and beginning to rebuild and repair damage done.
  • Society returning to work
  • People finding common ground
  • People working together
  • People ending name calling and the blame game
  • Less divisive, more unified
  • Caring, kindness, and compassion returning
  • Hugs and handshakes returning
  • People washing hands always, not just because a ‘new’ disease comes through
  • People owning their own health for real
  • Literacy on disease prevention, disease cycles, and sanitization that kills disease without creating super-bugs
  • Less wastefulness
  • Everyone having access to basic needs
  • Everyone having access to healthcare
  • Everyone having proper assistance
  • Everyone having clean water and proper waste management
  • Everyone having safe basic homes
  • Everyone having access to multivitamins and other genuinely helpful immune boosters (the ones that don’t inject chemicals into your bloodstream or have 1-3% fatalities)
  • Society reclaiming basic human rights
  • Society supporting individual rights
  • Less pollution
  • More safety
  • More genuine security
  • More rehabilitation programs
  • More assistance programs for needy and impoverished
  • Government by the people for the people, not by the corporate citizen for the corporate citizen.
  • Feeling supported and cared for
  • Feeling like my voice matters and makes a difference
  • Feeling like things are moving in positive directions again
  • Feeling like humanity has good things to look forward to
  • Feeling like the divine is helping us
  • Feeling like the divine is guiding us and intervening as needed
  • Feeling like the problems are being replaced by real usable solutions
  • Feeling like my life matters
  • Feeling like the world is someplace I want to be again
  • Feeling like humanity has a real chance
  • Feeling like not all is doomed
  • Feeling like change is happening and for the better
  • Feeling of positive progress
  • Feeling that we’re headed for better days
  • Feeling relief

May your rants always help you feel better and help you reach for better feeling thoughts. May we all get through this okay, especially those of us that did our best to keep the sanity. May those less fortunate be supported by those whom are the fortunate. May humanity progress and the whole world see improvement. May our world find lasting cleanliness for both our health and the health of the planet. May we all see the greater ripple effect and our role at creating improvement. May we all come together to compromise for solutions that work for everyone. May God’s light shine the way to better days.

Siva Hir Su

Hurumph.

Onomatopoeia for the way I’m feeling right now.

It’s not necessarily a good thing, but it could be worse.

I’ve spent 2 solid days working diligently at Law of Attractioning myself more positive. Literally taking several blocks of time to choose the best feeling thought I could reach for. Catching myself thinking negative and doing my best to flip it around. I’ve sat several times and meditated using the good “visions” I’ve had in the last year as positive fuel, at one point meditating so deep that I lost 45 minutes when I only intended 15. I’ve distracted myself with upbeat music at every possible opportunity. I took a couple of naps. I even ‘virtually’ loved on the man long distance, and ran through a long list of things I already have with Nathan.

I oogled the sunsets. I oogled the sunrises. Both while driving. I’ve even stared at the moon, which by the way, is almost full again. I’ve literally stopped to smell roses and other flowers in several people’s bouquets. Mantras, and pretty pictures, and acknowledging messages I’ve gotten of late.

So, with all of this positive thinking, attempting to drop the oars and float downstream, intentional releasing of resistance, why the hell do I still feel like HURUMPH?

Abraham says it’s because you have to reach for thoughts that are believable enough that you feel the vibrational shift. I thought I was.

Abraham also says that you have to focus on those thoughts for 17 seconds to start the ball rolling and 68 seconds to pick up any sort of momentum. I know I accomplished that several times over the last 2 days.

Part of me thinks that I’m allowing others’ vibrations to seep into my stream and slow me down. Though Abraham says that you should be able to bring enough light and good vibes to overcome that with enough focus, especially since you are the only one that controls your stream. So maybe I just have not found enough focus.

Or perhaps there is just way too much crap to try and overcome. Maybe my stream is the expert level white water rapids with all kinds of jaggedey hazards to attempt to avoid, and I’m no expert. I dunno!

I exclaimed on the way home. “Do you know how hard this is? Do you know how many thousands of thoughts I think every day? Do you know how far down some of them are, and thus how hard I’m working to bring them up? AND not a shred of physical evidence yet as encouragement.”

It’s like being told you have to do a thousand of something before someone will even think of giving you an atta-boy.

So yes, you might say I’m struggling a bit. Maybe tired is a factor. Maybe diet and other choices are a factor. I could have had a much worse week. I thought I did decent in the grand scheme of things. Got more sleep than previous, got more exercise than previous, ate less crap than previous, even managed to remember most of my supplements, etc.

There’s also Anya being gone again. 2 weeks this time, with Grandparents to Nebraska first, and then Florida for the second half. They also dropped a family bombshell when they picked her up, and that has me and Nathan both flustered. I think everything will ultimately be ok, but it’s likely a major contributing factor at the moment. I really don’t deal well with her being gone, it does affect our sleep drastically, and the bombshell did ruffle enough feathers to cause some worry and concern.

Bonus, I still want Nathan to quit working again. It’s just not produced any financial gain, and it’s made our life so much more complicated, there is way less flexibility, and he’s lost sleep more than we did when Ian was a newborn. I just don’t have anything good to say about him continuing to work. Yet, we don’t want to throw in the towel and go back down to just my massage wages either, because I’ve lost so many people of late. There have been so many people die that I’m down a third of my income at the moment. I know it will rebound as they add new people, but there is always an uncomfortable lag time in the process. I’d rather just figure out this art of allowing thing.

We’re also down 10 chickens. Raccoon food. On one hand- whatever, everything’s gotta eat, and I haven’t been using the eggs myself, giving many away. On the other, rawr, really just raccoon food after all the crap I’ve done to make chickens happen! Meh. I told Nathan this is very reminiscent of Ainsworth:

Aradia/Kara, Rajesh, and Chickens dwindling.

Has repeated as:

Jennifer, SJ, and Chickens dwindling again.

I could do with some really truly sane women, Good Indian men that actually stick around (or that respect me enough to stay in touch), and I suppose either no chickens to start with or being able to easily maintain their safety.

That and I gotta say, good shit has got to start happening or I’m likely to turn into a cold hard bitter bitch that doesn’t trust anything. I’m right on the edge right now, and I’m doing my best to tip it to the good side.

So tonight I sit teetering, saying hurumph, setting a goal that tomorrow is another day and hopefully a much better one.