Tag Archives: Honesty

Catching Up: 4

We’re In This Together.

We all need to know we’re not alone sometimes, and today was that for both me and one of my clients. The office staff was super helpful and kind today and I received some much needed relief. Then one of my clients came in seeking the same.

We talked and talked and talked. Due to HIPAA and my own personal ethics, what happens in that room stays in that room. So I will not be divulging any details of her experience, nor a name.

However, I can tell you that like many of us, she has experienced abuse, and also some of the same revelations I’ve been having of late. We compared notes on how memories safely locked away in our brains have surfaced to be dealt with. I shared my knowledge of EFT and other techniques that help to release all of it from our bodies. I also did a little extra energy work on top of the massage given. I spoke from my authentic, fully honest self, and over-shared knowing that it was safe with this person. Then apologized just in case it was a little too much.

It was a truly safe space for both of us. So much so that I could hear her voice crack when acknowledging that she can’t talk about some of those things with anyone else in her life.

We shared stories of places and things in our lives that have helped us find healing. It was quite amazing how much of our lives and beliefs and choices overlapped.

We both really needed that connection today. We both really needed to know that our efforts are part of a bigger picture leading us from #METOO, to a healed collective of openness and balanced masculine and feminine.

I congratulated and thanked her for her work helping women, men, and transgender people to heal. I expressed how much we all need that and how even though it can be uncomfortable at times we really need to keep doing what were doing. Eventually it really will heal our karma which will help bring healing for the collective as a whole.

May you understand your place in all of this. May you know with certainty that you are not alone and we are all on this journey together. May you see the kindness and healing you need. May you know you are accepted as your fully authentic and honest self. May you be kind to your self and give your body what it needs to heal. May you find your own truly safe space with more than enough acceptance. May you know that you are loved and supported in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Cats outta the bag.

That was my mom’s phrase for giving up the goods, letting it be known who you are, or simply just confessing. It fits for the moment.

I’ve continued with my quest for being truly authentically myself, 100% throughout my life and livelihood.

In the last couple of days it started with dropping a hint mid-conversation about my bisexuality to the office manager in thanking her for her openness and acceptance of LGBTQ people in and out of the office.

Then I, as gently as I could, cornered the tall dark handsome man on his mixed messages of innuendo implying interest in me. He apologized profusely explaining that he meant no harm and didn’t realize he’s been overstepping so much. He said he’d like to stick to a more professional relationship, but is okay hanging out as friends occasionally. I was fine with that and took his apology whole heartedly. I explained that being polyamorous I just needed to know if he was serious or not and what his feelings really were. I then thanked him for his apology, as not many people actually own their mistakes and make things right. I think we’re at a good place of mutual acceptance.

I’d already spoken to the lesbian about my Indian person conundrum when I first started, figuring she was the most likely to understand polyamory to begin with. She’s totally cool and understanding, and though I hate referencing her as just the lesbian, I stick to honoring others by not divulging their personal information. So being that is her most unique descriptor, it’s my default.

So, at this point I’m certain that the whole office will know by early next week, but I suspect that is okay. It seems I work with a good group of people that have relaxed on judgements and are as open and accepting of people where they are as anyone could expect. I’m grateful to know that.

I also ended up in a conversation that drew out of me information about mine and Nathan’s medical & disability journey. I was met with compassionate concern instead of the usual list of ‘have you tried all these things’, I found that to also be very refreshing. It’s the first time in a long time that someone didn’t try to step in making all kinds of assumptions to be the saviour of the disability battle. I do appreciate genuine helpfulness, but sometimes one just needs more emotional support than a list of things to try.

Finally, I received a decent massage. I started a trade with the one other therapist in the office. The office manager was super helpful in finding a way to accommodate schedules for that. His style is very different from mine, but it works for him. He managed to get things that the paid massages and Nathan’s efforts missed. Very unique, but definitely the fix I needed. I’m very grateful for that as well.

So, with all of those good moments of authenticity and helpfulness and acceptance… why then am I finishing my day a bit down?

I have a couple of guesses because I keep seeing a couple of faces in my mind. I may be experiencing their sadness, I’m just not sure why. Not just why I am picking up on them- that happens to me quite frequently with lots of people, more as to why those people would be down. One’s my Indian person and we’ve had such a complex journey it could be one of many things, not to even contemplate Ian’s message of a couple days ago. The other man I’ve been in close contact with this week and didn’t pick up on anything when I was around him, so now that the work week is over for him I’m a bit confused. In theory he’s enjoying time off. Yet, things are often not what they seem. I wish them both well and send love in hopes that they cheer up. I still have 1 appointment to finish and 7 days of work until my next day off. I simply can’t afford to be stuck in their sadness.

I’ll ask the divine and angels to cut cords for now.

May you all have your moments of authenticity and helpfulness and acceptance. May you make it through your work days and week with ample buoyancy, and may you find yourself protected against moments that might bring you down. Finally, may you all enjoy time off.

Siva Hir Su

 Honesty, vulnerability, and regret- a vibrational challenge. 

We are  taught to be open and honest.  We are taught that being authentic and ourselves is a virtue.  We are taught to be true to ourselves in whatever decisions and choices we make in life. That which honors ourselves while still meeting the necesities of life is supposed to be ideal.

So, why then does it hurt when things don’t go as one would have hoped or thought? 

I’m contemplating that today as I work.

I was open and honest.  I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I expressed as much of myself as I thought safe, based on the feeling place of those actions.

Yet, now I feel regret.

I felt I was too vulnerable,  too honest,  too open.  Someone has an understanding of me that I can’t take back. 

I wish I had that same understanding and awareness, because of the emotions I feel.

Yet, I can’t force that.  I have no control over that,  and I knew that from the start.

So, why if I knew all of that going in, why do I feel regret now? I don’t have an answer,  I just know that’s seeming to be the root of my vibrational resistance at the moment- regret over being open, honestly myself. 

At least I know the what now. Eventually I may understand the why and be able to release it. Here’s to hope and figuring this one out!

——

Update (later pm same day):

It has occurred to me that this blog I write is just as much about me being me. I write what’s on my mind, I am open & honest about fears,  concerns,  woes,  challenges,  and EVERYTHING that I do to attempt to overcome them.  I’m telling my story, all of it, or at least as much as I have time and brain space for. 

I don’t regret that. And I know full well that being as open and honest and vulnerable with strangers could be just as risky. 

So, again why do I feel regret with the one person? 

I’m beginning to think it was my expectation of exchange.

 In a give-take exchange,  you expect both/all sides to give equally of themselves.  I expected that, and ended up giving all of myself, but feeling like I got minimal in return. My expectations were short-changed. 

I’m not certain that’s the whole reason for my regrets, but it’s headed the right direction.  I’ll unravel this yet. 

———

Update (next morning):

My YouTube feed gave me this video in response to my quandary yesterday.  It’s amazing how they always fit. 

It makes sense to me now. 

I feel regret because I had a very conditional expectation for one human because of societal standards. 

Not only should I not care about societal standards,  I should also not hold one person to them because he is a unique individual raised in a very different culture than I was. 

Bonus,  being focused on one specific individual fulfilling my conditional desire keeps me out of vibrational alignment – that’s one of the arguments for polyamory anyway: one person would never be able to meet all of another’s wants,  needs, desires,  and especially expectations.

So all of that out of alignment led to the feeling of regret… cut that out chica (to myself).

…..

Unconditional flip-side:

I like having a give-take exchange with people.  It makes me feel good to have positive balanced interactions where I feel like someone cares about me as much as I do them. I like knowing that when I’m open and honest about myself, I receive validation that other people see that.  I like knowing that there are many individuals in my life that enjoy sharing themselves with me in a wide variety of manners. I like knowing that the universe not only supports these things,  but supports me in all ways.  I like knowing that I am loved by the universe and it is merely reflected by the love demonstrated by family and friends. I like knowing that I am a beautiful creative human being,  that God wants for me only the best,  and this illusion I’m in is intended to reflect that. I like knowing that my uniqueness is what makes me so special and that God/the universe is working diligently on my behalf to send  people into my life to honor my uniqueness. That person was merely one of many in my lifetime,  and they may come and go as manifestations,  but they are simply the reflection of that greater unconditional acceptance and celebration of my unique beauty. 

Now that rampage of appreciation feels much better. I’ll use that as a starting point every time I catch myself feeling that regret.  Practice makes perfect,  and negatives don’t disappear overnight/instantly.