Tag Archives: honor yourself

The hardest love of all:

Me Myself and I, reality check, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Is to love yourself.

I was thinking about my dad, and those few that don’t want me. I was finding the place of why unconditional love is important. I can not erase that any of them left their mark on my life or my heart. I can not undo the hurts left behind, and acknowledge that my perspective on everything was a large part of why I did get hurt. The frequent emotional and infrequent physical abuse of my father was because he didn’t know any better. He never learned better ways to handle things and no one ever taught him how to control himself. He was taught to rule with an iron fist and had no reason to do anything else. From his perspective he was teaching me valuable lessons. Decades later I have learned valuable lessons, but not the ones he intended.

If you can love the difficult ones to love, then everything else gets easier.

I accept that my father is who he is. He still helped bring me into this world and many of his actions helped me to make it through to adulthood. Even more, some of his better traits have helped me to be successful.

If I hold myself in anger or resentment for the negatives of my childhood I will wipe out and eliminate all of the good things from the same time period. “What fires together wires together.” (“What the bleep do we know” movie) If you practice a thought pattern it makes it harder and harder to reach thoughts that are different. Focusing on the negatives and hurts would make it harder and harder to reach any thoughts of love. That in turn would cause hurt for myself because I was focusing on the worst instead of the best, and creating more of the resulting negative chemical storm in my body.

Up until about 5 years ago I had a mix of thoughts and emotions, which leaned very negative. It was a large reason I battled depression so heavily. My brain had already wired itself to lean more negatively, and had done significant damage to my entire body.

As much as I have every right to carry anger, resentment, hate, even rage over my father and other hurtful situations, I have gotten to a place where it simply isn’t worth it. I respect myself enough to want health and healing, and all of those negatives hold me apart from that. Even past relationships that left me sad or disappointed are a hindrance to the healing I seek.

Over the last five years, thanks to a failed intense personal connection and a book from a therapist, I have slowly begun to shift my mix of thoughts to the more positive spectrum. I’m not perfect and I still very much have a mix. But my mix has crossed from originally imbalanced negative, to 50/50, to now I am imbalanced positively (a very good thing). To me that is a huge relief in my knowing. I am doing so much better than I was.

I am beginning to understand what it means to love myself. It is hard though.

My brain still wants to suck me back to negativity and depression, I have to work at focusing on better thoughts. It is not effortless, just not physically measurable. Most days I win the battle. Sometimes it is very challenging to just come out with the even split.

Then there are moments like the one that triggered this post.

I was trying to translate blog posts of another writer that had come across my blog. I was using Google translate fairly successfully. The second post I attempted to translate went haywire over halfway through. I believe that somehow the data was manipulated. There is the possibility my device has been hacked, I’ve considered that several times over. However, these moments are not in a trackable pattern, they don’t happen consistently. The sporadic nature of these moments leads me to believe the it is somehow caused by energetic or divine intervention. Anyway, essentially the translate function was working great and then 3 paragraphs were translated into 3 phrases which repeated. The one that stuck in my cogs was along the lines of: “it’s not that I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you”. Both of the other instances were the same glitch but different phrases, one about women and one about choices.

I instantly reacted in a particular negative way instantly wanting to connect it to the failed hopeful of a couple years ago that I had gotten so attached to. Then I caught myself and stepped back.

It’s not worth it.

So what they didn’t see me as valuable. So what they didn’t find love for me. So what that they left me hanging without the decency of an explanation or the truth of the things I knew they were hiding. So what they ghosted me and chickened out. So what they couldn’t even tell me to go Eff off. So what they came and went so many times I felt like I was being effed with.

Those are not truly my problems, they are theirs. Mine problem is mostly perspective and alignment. I used that moment of thought to realign.

I will still send my love because I felt them and God only encourages that for me when it is important. I often don’t understand why, but eventually it always becomes clear. I will still love the moments that brought joy. I will still love the good conversations. I will still love that we shared goals, hopes, and dreams. I will still love that despite all the mistakes we both made, there was an element of genuine connection. I will still love the idea of the possibilities which that relationship stirred. I will still love the person on the other end of that energetic cord because they did touch my life and leave me wanting more. I will still love them because I know whether they ever tell me or not, they learned a lot in our interaction. I will love them because their soul felt good and brought me joy when I really needed it. I will still love them because now we both want better endings. I will still love them because everything that happened helped me to focus and become a better person. I will still love them because they are a human trying to get through this difficult thing we call life.

Sadness and disappointment happen, lies and mistakes happen; but it’s all of the reasons to love and keep loving that make the world a better place. It’s the love that heals us and moves us into better places throughout our lives. I would rather have the love, the healing, the relief, and I have finally found a place where with a little mental effort I can usually flip to the positive end of the spectrum. That is priceless and I am eternally grateful.

May you see all the negatives in your life in the best possible way. May you learn to love even the difficult ones to love. May you see that love for others is a way to show yourself love. May you love and respect yourself enough to focus on the positives. May you find the loving relationships you seek. May you find your healing and the health you seek. May you embrace the hardest love of all, that of loving yourself wholley and completely. May you know that God loves you and supports you completely.

Siva Hir Su

Beautiful

Me Myself and I, reality check, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Watch “Hollow Coves – Moments (Gold Coast Acoustic Session)” on YouTube

This video is how I ended my day. I started my day with mantras.

In between I had a very heavy workday that almost tanked when fatigue and a conversation gone awry threatened my mood in a most significant negative way. I briefly dipped into not wanting to live in a world full of fear and people that don’t want to really live, convinced they must be afraid of shadows of the unstoppable. After shedding tears in my office alone, I talked myself part way out focusing on there has to be something to live for. It was enough to have an adequate session with my last client. Then on the way home I stopped at Minor Park in south KC.

The goal was to clear everyone else’s negative out and even some of my worst fears.

I sat at the base of a tree and watched and listened to the river flow. It was beautiful and relaxing and the tree helped me ground well.

While sitting there I learned a plant I was looking at was not the helpful Angelica but Hemlock and deadly poisonous. I am grateful for modern technology and it’s ability to answer most any question from most any location. I’m also grateful that I was not the one that discovered Hemlock to be so deadly, and sent a prayer of thanks for those that sacrificed their lives eons ago to save generations to come.

As I sat grounding, releasing, contemplating and learning, 3 damselflies landed on me. One at a time, each lingering just long enough for me to get the bright idea to try and get a picture. As soon as I would swipe the camera icon- off they would fly.

Some moments are solely for the observer and not meant to be captured.

Walking back to my car I noticed a whole area of wild strawberries. I stopped and picked a ripe one, it was so delicious even in it’s tiny wildness. I lingered and picked a whole handful. It provided a massive appreciation for our ancestors. Once upon a time that was what was considered an amazing treat: 15 minutes stooped over picking tiny morsels of delight.

Now we can just go to any of a number of stores and pick from rows of berries; organic, or not, whichever you want. They are much larger and much sweeter, and much harder on your system if you lack the control to know what one serving is. I have learned that the hard way. I’m very grateful for the accessibility of modern cultivated healthy foods, and even more appreciative that I’ve learned control, before it was too late for my body to heal. I look forward to days when my body can handle the large servings again, but with knowing better so I won’t hurt myself again.

After savoring my tiny handful of wild bliss, I continued on to my car.

As I neared I saw a very large bird drop from the tree to the ground just inside the wild untamed areas. I wanted to know what bird I saw, and cued up my camera as I walked closer. As I neared a jogger rushed by and scared the bird back up into the tree. I hit the camera button as fast as I could and thought for certain I had caught the bird in a picture.

I had not, as if to emphasize the message of the damselflies.

I walked even closer hoping to snap a picture of it sitting on the tree limb. I was almost in view and it took off into the forest. Again my picture taking abilities failed. However, I did figure out it was a great horned owl, out for my viewing pleasure, and over 2 hours before sunset. That is such a wonderful treat.

Again I am super appreciative of the moment, a rare treat to see a big beautiful raptor, relatively close and when they are supposed to be sleeping. I’m also glad no small pets were present as owls that large do like to eat little fluffy creatures.

It is all part of life.

Beauty, tranquility, peace, and even potentially hazardous, even deadly things are all part of life.

I choose to be grateful for living and finding my way around and through the scary and hazardous things. I choose to let God heal my body and keep me safe from further harm. I would love to see the rest of the world find that alignment, but that is not something I can affect or control. I now know that I am not perfect at maintaining my alignment, but once I falter, I now know how to climb up much more quickly and effectively. For all of that knowing I am eternally grateful.

May you find your moments of bliss. May you have a knowing that life is not only worth living, but worth savoring too. May you know that your eyes and ears are tools for a far greater observer than that of your human self. May you appreciate all the special moments that are just for you. May you know that God would rather you be surprised and delighted than living in fear. May you know that you are generally safe and your time to go is only when you desire a different vantage point that your current body can’t facilitate. May you know that God loves and supports you regardless of the name you call God or the language you use.

Siva Hir Su

Character on the stage of life.

Me Myself and I, , , , , , , , , , ,

“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.” -William Shakespeare

My one brother, at the wedding in October, told me that he had no idea how I did it. He was referencing my life and the hours I work and everything I do for my family. This is the brother I have always felt had his shit together the best. Of all our family, I thought he was the smartest, I thought he was the most disciplined, I thought he was the most organized and well respected.

Yet, here he was telling me that he had no idea how I did it, and my only answer was: I had to, I didn’t really feel I had any other options. Between loving my husband, and being raised that welfare and social programs were a necessary unwanted evil, as well as divorce being a last resort, I just knew it was sink or swim. I chose to swim the best I could, and I think most of us would aim for that.

I have played meek and I have played strong. I have played timid, bashful, and shy; yet also confident, outgoing and talkative.

I have played the hard worker, the dependable, the confidant. I have over-played my hand and underplayed my skills, but managed by the grace of God to be successful in my business and support my family. I have surprised and delighted many and disappointed probably twice as many. I have been well spoken and diplomatic, but other times I have inserted foot-in-mouth. I sometimes make the best joker, but other times miss the joke all together.

I’m a fierce warrior like Joan of Arc, that frequently wishes to run and hide, rather wishing for a better Knight to save me. And spiritually: Jesus couldn’t reach me for the burden of my childhood, so I found Shiva as an adult (really they are one and the same, 2 aspects of the same divine masculine).

I’m a mother who gave birth to two beautiful healthy children and helped a third start her life. I’m the father that fixes what’s broken, makes a better home, and provides for it all. I have lady parts, but men’s hormones and hair- just not enough of them to count for their benefits. I’m attracted to both, and want them all to love me and get along with each other.

I’m an animal lover guilty of having consumed more than my fair share of non-pets. I’m a creative artist that can do calculus, though a bit rusty at both right now. I’m an excellent massage therapist, and decent musician and cook.

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