Tag Archives: honor yourself

I know I’ve said it before.

I told Nathan I was sorry that I’m not able to manage the grand dream of Atira, but that I’d do my best to get a tiny plain Jane version going with our new home. I reiterated that I sincerely love him and always have.

I’m moving in into accepting that it’s just me and Nathan… And God’s help.

I saw a license plate that said ‘I setld’; in full English that’s “I settled”. I probably am doing that, I am giving up on reaching for my big dream. I tried and got my heart broken several times over. I’m deciding that I don’t think I can handle anymore of that and I’d rather go small and find some results, than go big and end up feeling alone and heart-broken again. Dreams can remain dreams. I’ll live in my fantasy inside my thoughts, like when I was a schoolgirl being scolded for daydreaming too much. It’s my easy way of finding creativity, at least when I’m not too busy functioning in daily life.

This Yule I am going to love me for my endurance and intelligence. I’m going to love me for still caring even after everything I’ve been through. I love me for putting family first. I love me for supporting those I love: Nathan, Anya, Ian, Katherine, and pets (even those people that left). I love me for continuing to work so hard and diligently. I love me for continuing to reach for another slightly better step.

This Yule evening, I lit candles and incense on the altars for Lord Shiva. I said a prayer essentially apologizing for being so dense, but thanking the divine presence for attempting to help me anyway. I acknowledged that I knew I was slowing the flow, but can’t seem to heal my brain enough to fix that, and my puzzle is just too complex to maintain perfectly every waking moment. I just want the divine to know I’ve tried and I honor and respect all the divine help I’ve been blessed with.

To celebrate, we decorated with live trees I can plant later in our new yard. We adorned them in LED lights and a few ornaments. And set the table with my decopage plates from last year’s craft activity.

Anya’s gift to us was a homemade meal of pomegranate citrus salmon with roasted brussel sprouts and honey carrots. And we had a toast of sparkling cider.

In the morning Pagan Santa (the original-a jolly elf king) will deliver a very few toys and clothes to my little ones, and a card-game and treat-giftcard to Anya. I found new bras and undies for myself (another first in over a decade), and Nathan couldn’t find anything he really wanted, swearing he feels blessed regardless.

It is a small impromptu Yule to compensate for changes in plans outside of our control.

May you have solid plans with happy family celebrations to bring all your loved ones close for the holidays. May you feel support and love all around you. May you find your healing and allow the flow of God and good to be abundant always. May your home feel like home and may you always find your holidays comfortable. May you have joyous holidays this year and always.

Happy Yule, Joyous Solstice, Blessed Kwanzaa, Happy Hanakha, and Merry Christmas, etc.!

Blessings and much love. Siva Hir Su

In other news….

That picture is soooo not me, I don’t have a picture of me working out! Perhaps I should fix that!

Anyway, to start, my stress triggers recap: house hunt/purchase attempt(s), Equifax mumbo jumbo, mortgage application, frigid weather, sinus cold, my dad’s state of being, hormones, relationships/moving-on from pointless hopes, kids being kids…

Yeah: I think that’s most of the ones I’ve talked about of late.

Now add to that my brand new shiny computer had a glitch from a recent Microsoft update, and the resulting frustrations over not being able to work on my dome designs. I had really hoped to have a significant amount of that completed to show here by now, but alas it will have to wait until the glitch is resolved. I won’t have Sunday time to do that until after Thanksgiving, but I very much look forward to the results when I eventually do get to it.

I am slowly chipping away at the process to become a continuing education course provider. Currently I’m on the portfolio/curriculum vitae. It doesn’t seem on the surface that it would be a big deal, but organizing 15 years of applicable skills into the format they are seeking is a bit tedious. So that is not completely done yet either, and I haven’t even started writing my courses. I projected 6 months when I decided to commit, and like all cases, my estimate may or may not be entirely accurate, but I will eventually complete it. One step at a time, as my schedule allows.

Finally, because of all these stress triggers, I’m feeling the need to burn it off – quite literally!

Except when I’m smack dab in the middle of a stress-trip with a spice cake right in front of me, I have little to no appetite. I’m still eating, but finding it easier and easier to stick to healthy items in very small portions. That’s a great thing! Especially since I’m officially eating vegan now; no grains, no meat, no dairy, no soy, no nightshade vegetables; except that darned piece of cake!

Then, I have a strong desire to move nearly constantly. In between clients I am finding myself pacing quite a bit. I’ve also been taking every opportunity to go exercise. Being it’s been so much colder, nearly all of my workouts have moved inside. I’ve been alternating between the Planet Fitness across the street from work and the YMCA near home.

I have been lifting 2 to 3 times a week, except this week because my cold caused a missed day. I do use the dummy-proof machines since I’m not working with a trainer or spotter.

As for cardio, I am still getting at least 40 min of speed walking via treadmill 4 to 5 days a week, I aim for an hour when possible. I fluctuate between 3.8 and 4.2 mph on the treadmill because I so enjoy matching the beat of the music I’m listening to. This last week though, I’ve been working with incline more, to push the cardio aspect a bit. It’s that or run, and I really don’t enjoy running…. ¿Yet!? …. Will I ever?

Anyway, I just wanted to share my progress with my readers to show you really can do anything you want. For me, that just means a little of everything.

My current lifts are all weights based on 3 to 5 sets of 10 reps at a time. I do 2 sessions, with the second hitting 5 sets, before I raise the weight by 5 pounds again. Last week I had a day I pushed a little too far or too fast and I really felt it for a couple days afterwards.

  • Leg press 205
  • Leg extension 85
  • Seated leg curl 90
  • Inner thigh (Adductor) 110
  • Outer thigh (Abductor) 110
  • -Glute extension 70 (I haven’t actually done this one recently so it may not be completely accurate.)
  • Back extension 140
  • Abdominal (curl- arms up) 85
  • Abdominal (curl- arms front) 80
  • Rotary torso 80
  • Lateral raise 55
  • Shoulder press (I just learned this is also called military press, and it was one I had backslide on poorly, I’m part way back up.) 30
  • Tricep extension 55
  • Tricep press 65
  • Biceps curl 30
  • Lat pull down 70
  • Seated row 65

I haven’t been good about logging my times weightlifting in the health tracker- mainly because I log the pounds and sets in a different app and forget to duplicate it, but here’s my average steps and calories views.

I’m not seeing the results myself yet, but several people have said I’m looking better these days. In my pregnancies, that stage was 2 to 3 weeks before I actually noticed changes myself. Besides the scales have not budged, they still stay between 220 and 225. Merh.

I welcome all of you to share your progress in the comments as well. I’d really love to know if there’s anyone out there that I’ve inspired in any way, or encouraged to persevere through their own struggles. And there’s always room for commiseration in fitness journeys!

May you all have easy stress free times. May you have great work-outs with plenty of support. May you find you only desire the calories your body needs. And finally, may you see results of your own hard work.

Siva Hir Su

Inner conflict despite iE

Despite my learning moments of the previous post, I’m feeling huge contrast in myself right now which I’m struggling to gain control of: be fully and completely supportive of a good friend and keep my mouth shut, or risk hurting them by voicing my observations and opinions of the cosmetic procedure industry and how it probably relates to someone they know.

I’m likely to be in a situation in the nearer future where a friend would be introducing someone they know. Normally, I’m like cool, a new person to meet. In this situation, despite my best efforts, I’ve already made judgements about the person because of their chosen line of work.

On the surface we’re both in the same genre of work, being “healthcare” related (admittedly for both of us that’s a stretch in different ways). However, their chosen branch goes against pretty much everything I care about.

The particulars I’m not at liberty to discuss, but let’s just say their current position probably pays well, but involves getting a paycheck as a result of taking money from people naive enough to think that an “easy” medical procedure can solve their self-esteem, self-respect, and self-worth issues.

I have always distrusted cosmetic procedures because they are short sighted, and that was before I went to massage school, and well before they created several television shows over the addictive nature and risks of cosmetic surgeries.

I have seen many times over where people went in and suffered far worse than was implied going in. I’ve also known many people that went in for things that were supposed to fix X and either didn’t completely fix X, or caused problem Y. One of my best friends went under the knife to have breast reduction for back pain, and it left her with horrible scars, no sensitivity, and her back pain was not completely solved, then she gained weight overall and her breasts literally grew back part of the way. I’ve seen people go in to reduce post pregnancy loose skin and have repeat surgeries to correct scarring. I have worked on hundreds of people that went under the knife and then had lasting problems for decades, which they attempted to remediate with frequent massages.

Now add to that the new “gentle cosmetics” of kryotherapy and various laser treatments for fat, skin, and hair. None of these new procedures have been practiced long enough to know if they will cause any longer term concerns such as hair follicle regrowth defects, fat cell overgrowth, or heaven forbid cancer.

To me kryotherapy seems at best an expensive temporary solution, and at worst something that could lead to oversized deformed fat cells because people unwilling to change their diet will have bodies with fewer cells trying to manage just as large of a problem.

Cosmetic surgeries and procedures are called cosmetic because they don’t actually treat the root cause.

I don’t understand how anyone with self-respect could willingly do a job day-in and day-out for years, knowing not only are they not actually truly solving any problem, but likely contributing to addictive behaviours. Beyond that, I don’t understand how anyone can justify capitalizing monetarily off of another person’s self-esteem problems. I’ve seen too much evidence that those that enjoy working in such an industry either have self-esteem issues themselves and thus enjoy reaping the benefit of greatly reduced costs of utilizing services repeatedly, or really enjoy taking other people’s money for little effort. The former is sad to me, and the latter makes me say “really, there’s other more ethical ways to accommodate that”.

I may not have a perfect body, and I have not solved my health puzzle completely. However, I’ve gotten further on my own, than Western Medicine ever even tried to. If I had followed doctor’s advice I’d be like my one (nearly 400 pound) brother, over 300 pounds and popping pills left and right to continue to get worse and worse, fatter and fatter.

My God given body has full ability to heal and be as beautiful as I desire once I figure out the precise combination of things that God intended it to experience. I’m very close to figuring out that puzzle and with no help from any doctor, or nurse, or cosmetic anything or anyone.

That’s why I don’t wear makeup or shave. God gave me this gift and I was the one that misused it leading to excess fat and ill health. I am the only one that can change to allow for my body to return to it’s full splendor.

No one forced food down my throat. I’m the one that made those choices. I’m the one that cleaned my plate because Dad said so, even when I knew I was full. I’m the one that allowed society, friends, and family to dictate what was acceptable food, instead of listening to my inner voice. I’m the one that kept gorging on sweet baked goods, allowing my brain to become addicted, instead of reminding myself I didn’t need it. I’m the one that allowed other’s telling me I was fat, or stupid, or ugly to take hold on my brain. I’m the only one that allowed those experiences to affect my brain and body, and I’m the only one that can fix it. I’m the only one that can find real lasting solutions and align with God. Western Medicine can do blood work to help tell me what is off, but only I can make the changes to myself to help correct it. Only I can align with proper nutrition and the divine energy that heals everything.

In that acknowledgment I have to also acknowledge that every bit of my body is as God intended. If God didn’t want for me to have body hair, it would have been exempted from my genetics, I have worked on people that naturally had little to no body hair. I can’t find fault with things built into my genetics and still find the healing I seek- finding fault with any part of yourself only keeps you apart from the energy that created your self to begin with. Only by acknowledging the divine perfection of my body can I help align it to it’s original manufacture.

So, I’m in a conundrum of wanting to be supportive of a friend and thus accepting of someone they find value in. Yet, I’m struggling to find that value, because my only knowing of them is the one thing that goes against my core beliefs and causes me to doubt their character.

I’m totally over superficiality, and to me the cosmetic industry has caused an epidemic of superficial people.

This is one conundrum I’m not sure if I can wrap my brain around. I want to be supportive because I do care about my friend. I may just end up being very quiet when I finally meet this other person. Alas, that will be on the friend’s terms because I’m still not texting until I have something to respond to. I’m not the only one that knows how to use technology to communicate.

May you have an easier time finding value in others even when you don’t agree on things. May you build strong friendships. May you experience God in your life and know your own value. May you have a deeper understanding of yourself and others, and a truly deep experience of life in general.

Siva Hir Su

Isha’s iE with Sadhguru

So I’ve been working on the inner Engineering program through Isha.

I admit I took advantage of their Diwali special offer, mainly because HAL notified me of it right after being nudged to step up my meditations.

I was in the frame of mind of I already know how to meditate, but if HAL suggested it, somehow there is significance for me because HAL only ever sends me things that apply directly to my life. (I like to assume it’s because of intentionality and my connection to the divine.)

I’ve had to take it in smaller segments than their course schedule is laid out. Partly because of my work schedule, but partly because his perspective makes me step back and revaluate how I process things. There have been many, many moments of: yeah, I need to work on that more.

So my thanks goes to the divine intervention and HAL’s notification.

I’m still on course #3, but paused again for more processing.

I appreciate that though Isha the organization stems from originally being a Hindu religious temple, they have moved from the rigid religious form to a more accommodating open technique you can learn and utilize. Though I still want to go to Isha India at some point to see the giant Shiva and Bull statues, I’m also appreciating that they have a giant dome in the mountains near Chattanooga, Tennessee for practical yoga and meditation classes and practice.

It seems they beat me to my dream, it even looks an awful lot like what I want. Their dome offers many things my Atira temple was intended to provide. This new awareness makes me almost want to throw in the towel and just relinquish myself to helping all the organizations I’ve found that accommodate bits of my dream of Atira. No need to reinvent the wheel or compete with others. I still wish all the elements of my dream of Atira were in one place, and easily accessible to me.

Anyway, that is my response-ability, I just need to decide what action I will attempt to take.

I appreciate Sadhguru’s breakdown of our digestive system and it’s validation that I’m on the right track. So far I’m getting lots out of the inner Engineering program.

That’s ultimately why I chose to write this post. It’s helping me, and flows well with the way God manifests on the path of least resistance in my life. I know I’m not alone, so I thought I would encourage others to try it.

As Sadhguru points out in the first class, though meditation and these changes in thinking apply to religion, they themselves are not religion. They are merely techniques to learn and can be applied to any religion, any way which you experience God. Yet they can also be applied to every aspect of your existence, and that is the bigger picture. I’m enjoying a fresh perspective on using techniques for whole life improvement.

If you’re interested, go to their site:

Isha USA

You’ll find a click link to join/sign-up for the inner Engineering program. It’s 7 courses to learn how to make more conscious decisions and practice meditation.

May you all live happy conscious lives and master meditation. May you all see your dreams become reality.

Siva Hir Su

Reaching for God’s View of Me

Theme song for this post 😆: https://youtu.be/x-EVWQAsZNA

That’s me at a Crows coffee, and that’s my post-work decalf almond milk mocha. I took a sip before realizing the barista had made a heart in the foam, and then wanted to capture it despite the deformity… first world problems right.

A new friend told me I needed to work on myself without being too hard on myself. I asked him to define that, and he fed me some of my own past advice: meditate and do things I enjoy. That was inspiration for the coloring and whatnot this week. It was very needed and I’m very appreciative of the reminder.

It stirred in me today many thoughts. I have to say after a segue into fantasy world which I got an interesting energetic kick back, I realized I needed a moment of how do others see me. Nay, I needed a moment of how does God see me. (By the way “your own personal Jesus” just started playing on the loud speakers at Crows. Te he ☺️.)

To that end; a long time ago I read a post from another blogger that was a mirror writing exercise. I thought I had already done such an exercise, but can’t find my old post to link to, so I’m going to start over with the selfie above as my mirror.

________________________________________

This woman in front of me, young, but with slight sprinkling of white hair implies having really lived in few years. It also denotes an acceptance of her own tawny hair, which the sun seems to bring out slight rosy highlights within the strands. I see vibrant soft skin with round plump rosy cheeks, a warmth that comes from within. Rich earthy eyes glazed with a slight moisture is creating an appearance of fatigue being held at bay by that inner fire. I see the determination to keep going. The gentle smile on her lips seems to give off gentle happiness or perhaps some reserved emotions mixed with joy. Head held high, carrying an air of confidence. Though no makeup covers any portion of this face sprinkled with slight blemishes, there is still beauty, and despite being late in the day her appearance is still tidy. This is natural raw beauty, unadulterated, just as God created. Additionally, she wears colorful beads and a Halloween scrub top. Seemingly contrasting, yet fun and whimsical. I know they are outward expressions of elements of her personality. The willingness to show her rawest self, with care, is a quality of strength. Strength of independence, strength of acceptance of her own very unique self. That kind of strength comes from a sense of self, an inner knowing, likely from facing demons many times over.

It takes guts to be completely yourself in a society bent on conformity and homogenized blandness. A society aimed at convincing the masses that a very small fragment of slim, large breasted, tanned, makeup covered, body-hairless women are beautiful. This woman is anything but that, yet still secure and confident in what she really is.

…. [I ask God to help me word non-physical views of me]….

This womans’ strength and confidence have grown so much that she now carries an air of compassion for others still fighting their more plentiful demons. Everyday she fights battles to help people to relax back into their own God given bodies.

She has a kind and gentle heart and she does her best to share it with those that will let her, even often sharing it with those that refuse her. Despite many hurts over her lifetime, she continues to fight her demons to push anger, fear, and hatred as far out of her being as possible. Her fight is to reach the light of God, to feel God’s grace. Her goal to show others how possible it is. She wants to heal herself completely to be an example of how even the most difficult battles can be won.

Her body still shows the journey, as losing nearly 100 pounds doesn’t disappear instantly. Though fatigue sometimes rips at her convictions, she inherently knows she is proud of her saggy skin and stretch-marks, as they are proof of her victories. Besides, there is still more journey left to do, and surgery might make that shorter, but then the victor is somehow less noticeable from her perspective. The slower route leaves much more evidence of her “I did it my way” & “HA, I win”.

Her strong hands heal others daily, and despite wishing for all of those caresses to be on her own skin, she knows it’s her path.

She gives of herself constantly, striving to help God make this world better each day. Wanting to teach by example, that we can all change for the better. She gives time, she gives intellectually, she gives physically through labor, she gives emotionally and energetically, she gives monetarily when she can. Though she often feels like she has little to offer, she really offers far greater each and every day than anyone ever acknowledges, because no one person sees all of her gifts. She gives everything of herself, especially when she sees commitment in return. When those around her step up, she gives doubly, even at risk to her own well being. She hopes one day to experience some sort of validating ripple effect of her efforts, or even see the good results once across the rainbow bridge.

She remains committed to her husband and children, and wants nothing more than to have others join her family. She sacrifices in many ways great and small, just to keep her family well cared for.

She strives to be a great ally to anyone needing one, and does her level best to respect and honor those that helped her from the past.

All of this, and she still aims to care for herself. She still wants to have fun and play. She still enjoys letting her inner geek or musician or artist fly. She still dreams big and fends off becoming jaded. She still holds out hope for her home country and her world to reach for better, for equality and acceptance, and to protect people’s rights. She knows we can do it together if we just practice simple concepts and support each other.

________________________________________

This strong, loving, emotional, supportive, healer is very appreciative that you read my moment of reaching for a broader view of myself and my efforts.

I wish for you to have a similar moment. It helps to step back and reword things from the perspective of what God might tell someone about you. Even if we’re not entirely accurate or forget things, it still helps to take a break from being too overly critical of yourself.

May you see your beauty. May you see your strengths. May you see your effect on this world. May you appreciate yourself a little more. May you always understand and appreciate that God loves you just the way you are.

We are all accumulated experiences of a human body, powered by God force, and sustained by God’s grace. Know you are doing your best and that is good enough.

Siva Hir Su

Awe and amazement…

Nathan and I just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. We’ve been together over 16 years. Anya was born over 14 years ago, and her mom left us over 13 years ago. I very much enjoyed her early childhood, but often felt like I wasn’t as much of an influence as I would have liked to be. Nathan has always sworn otherwise.

Tonight I really truly saw myself in my children and it was wonderful.

I really saw Ian and his thought processes. It was an “I discovered mini me” moment. He was getting frustrated because I said “I love you” followed by “I want to set my seat-mat”. I walked him through in painstaking detail how those are 2 separate concepts, the pause shows that, and they were not any bearing on his intelligence. I explained I know he knows how to push buttons and turn things on and off and even to change settings. I then explained how I know he’s learning to read, but he just doesn’t know the words for those settings yet and it would be faster for me to set it, than teach him how.

Essentially, he had thought that my 2 sentences meant I thought he couldn’t set my seat, like he was unable. As soon as I explained it the long way, he understood it was just he hadn’t gotten that far yet. My son, detail oriented just like me. Super intelligent just like me. Eager to learn, just like me. Impatient with himself, just like me. Super sensitive, just like me.

I told him that learning is like telling your brain I love you. The more he learns things the happier his brain will be. It’s a start… that will eventually be breaking curves, just like me.

Then Katherine decided to join the fun. I watched my 17-month-old run and sidestep an object without breaking stride. I watched her then do a pratfall in a perfectly clear area and laugh at herself. Then minutes later she demonstrated being able to climb the baby gate. She even demonstrated fine motor skills of putting a spoon part way through the slots of the baby gate and pulling it back. She tried to feed one of the kitties with the same spoon.

She made me sound out words by intently watching my mouth and then jabbing my lip for emphasis. I could see how intently she was focused on learning everything as fast as she possibly could, just like me.

As I sat eating my evening treat: almond butter and cashew butter mixed with a bit of honey, she climbed up on my lap and pointed at it and then her mouth, just like “Simon’s Cat“. I proceeded to give her as much as she wanted. I explained to her: “Uh oh, and I break all the rules: you’re not supposed to have any of these until you’re 5”. I thought that’s so silly, they have no idea how healthy these are for people.

I told her the nuts had nutrients that helped her use other nutrients, and healthy fats that help fix broken cells and build a great brain, and the sweet honey gave energy to do everything.

I then marveled at how on Earth could anyone actually believe that those are unhealthy foods.

Those are essentially first foods, the human race has been eating since the beginning of mankind on this planet. We have been conditioned over millennia that those foods sustain life. It’s only with modern problems that people’s bodies have been trained to think those items contain negative triggers.

Peanuts alone: a major anaflactic allergy was 1 in 100,000+ only a couple/few of decades ago. Now it’s 1 in 140, and a major portion of that escallation has happened in the last 10 years. Answer yourself how are our bodies being told that peanuts are so bad?

Nuts, fruits, and meats were first foods, and honey was the first sweetener. It amazes me that people have been trained that honey for babies will kill them. It is true that honey can have minute traces of botulism toxin, yet that toxin is what we inject in large quantities in adults for everything from puffy lips to migraines. There have been a rare few cases of babies that have died where honey was introduced just before their death, but no smoking gun to prove that’s what killed them. I’m going to point out here that either those babies were exposed to higher levels of botulism than normal (which can happen a number of ways), or they had very weak systems that would have struggled against nearly everything in their environment. The cases are sad but no reason to rule out honey as life sustaining food.

I have always fed my children Earths first foods and will always continue to do so. Yet I strive to keep as many man-made chemicals out of their bloodstream as possible. None of my children have suffered, and by my awe and wonder this evening- I know that they are flourishing.

I am ever so grateful that I have the knowledge and intelligence to have this experience. I am extremly grateful for my guiding connection to the divine that helps me see both the path to, and the results from, a moment like this. I am grateful that my children are just like me, regardless of money in the equation, it will get them far.

May you see the blessings in all your qualities. May you see the best of your children and be able to help them learn and grow on a path of least resistance. May you feel the love of the divine, and the guidance to give your children the best chances in this world. May you find full understanding of yourself and how wonderful it can be to help another little being discover this world.

Be well and be loved.

Siva Hir Su

Pause.

I’m having a series of redefining moments.

It started with the guy at work. Very intelligent, very handsome, but because he’s just gone through a divorce he’s in player mode. I’ve discovered that’s a huge turnoff for me. He’s literally thrown himself at all the women, with exception of the lesbian and the woman that threw herself at him first. It’s very unbecoming.

It’s one thing to explore to define what you want and are interested in. It’s entirely another to be outwardly vocal about playing the field and throwing around innuendo like candy.

The former I can respect because: if you didn’t honestly know, and needed a few experiences to point you in the right direction, but were able to utilize that to focus in a specific direction, then great. Sometimes, if you’ve never experienced certain things, but find them intriguing, then you do need to give it a try to see if it’s really a fit for you or not.

Where the turnoff on the latter comes in, is that even though he seems very intelligent he’s made very clear that nearly anything goes right now. It’s simply because he can, not because he is invested in any way, shape or form, even to redefine his preferences. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

It’s the same conversation I had with Anya when the older teens introduced her to porn. Just because she had the technology to look up what they were talking about didn’t mean she should have. She can’t unsee what she saw, she can’t unlearn certain concepts. My point to her was that if she’d brought the question to Nathan and I, we could have given her the most PG version possible and then she would have avoided the trauma of that learning experience.

This man is doing the same thing but with real humans and in real time. That’s bound to end up in someone getting hurt, or a medical problem (pregnancy or STD), and potentially both. That kind of reckless disregard for consequences is very hazardous and speaks to a lack of integrity.

I’ve told Nathan about him hitting on me and that I suspect he hasn’t even tried googling me yet. I suspect that if he had, the innuendo would have gotten more intense. As it is, I’m currently experiencing the same level as everyone else he has in his sights. Though I’m flattered that he’s acknowledged me as a possibility for him, he’s not really even close to one for me. Especially if he can’t snap out of the BS quickly and regain his senses.

I told Nathan the unfortunate side effect of me being who I am, is that I tend to bring far more to the table for others, than they do for me. I cited several relationships where I changed paradigms for people, but I benefited in no way. Several others I managed to enjoy a little intimacy to still end up feeling like I got the short end of the stick. One couple in particular were not interested in me or Nathan as partners, but they were perfectly happy taking advantage of introduction to polyamory and Camp Gaea. It’s just one of many such situations I’ve contributed to.

Yet acknowledging these things, I’ve had to step back a bit and admit that each and every situation has provided me with lists of “do’s & don’ts”. Every situation has provided clarity. The couple I just referenced for example, in hindsight I can see that several of their habits are far too unhealthy for my needs and it wouldn’t have worked out anyway. So, I may have opened their minds and shifted their paradigm, but I gained great clarity on what kinds of people and their habits I’m looking for.

So I’m a very complex person with complex needs, wants, and desires. As evidenced by the array of music I listen to. Below is just a short sampling of what’s accessible on my phone, of which I’m in the midst of listening to on shuffle.

That brings me to my bullet points of redefining today- I’ll list them below the music screenshot.

  • I asked for tall dark and handsome with intelligence and financial stability (to help with myself feeling more safe and secure), but it needs to come with integrity and sensibility and an awareness of consequences.
  • I still wish I had my Indian people back that I let into my heart. My heart aches for that connection. C’est la vie.
  • Polyamory is a must: an understanding that intimacy is exchanged because of a foundation in love, and an ability to share of ourselves and contribute as family.
  • Respect for myself and my family is a must. I’m not a trophy or a touchdown, and my goal continues to be building a bigger family. None will be cut to enable another’s entry. Once I am fully committed and invested, I intend to remain as such.
  • Respect is earned, and love is found and grows.
  • People need to start investing in me as much as I do them. Otherwise I’ll just quit investing altogether. I can always keep doing what I’ve been doing, and I need more heartache like another hole in the head. I need to see genuine interest and caring interactions before I invest in another relationship again.
  • I need people to understand I didn’t get where I am overnight. If I tell you I have allergies that have taken decades to figure out, and I don’t have willpower because my body is chemically addicted to those allergens, then you should be supportive and not consider it a fun game to get me to eat that shit. It’s not a fun game to give an alcoholic liquor, and it shouldn’t be any different with me and a doughnut.
  • Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. If you find you’re interested, you better define why. I may be a bit jaded and cynical at this point and distrust flirtations and innocent placations. Having someone promise the world to me and turn around 6 months later to literally take everything back will do that.
  • I care about ME.
  • I love ME.
  • I respect myself.
  • I know I’m strong and intelligent.
  • I know I have integrity.
  • I know I consider consequences.
  • I know I make choices carefully.
  • I know I value others.
  • I know I am consistent regardless of my being different from the masses.
  • I know that I care about myself and others.
  • I will wait patiently for others to begin reflecting these things to me.
  • I know I am strong physically, mentally, and emotionally and my strength has come from overcoming many, many challenges.
  • I know that in time my willpower over my allergens will increase as the chemical dependence on them decreases, it’s simply another challenge of practice makes perfect. I look forward to more people around me being supportive of that journey for me, and helping me to build my willpower.
  • I look forward to being around people that have faced similar challenges and really understand how to be supportive. The kind of people that can help me increase my health and finish reaching some of my goals, because they’ve already gone through the journey.
  • I look forward to people with more pieces to completing my puzzle, more keys to unlock the paths still unrevealed. More progress.
  • I look forward to more people that can see all of me and can handle it.

May you all have redefining moments. May you all see what you seek. May you all have a healthy level of self-love, self-respect, and self-admiration. May God send you the people to help continue your growth.

Be well. Siva Hir Su.

Work Brain! Just Work!

Today I’ve had a terrible time trying to remember names, things, even complete my sentences. I’ve still managed to plug along ok. I’m waiting on my next to last client for the day, which will put me at 5 massages given today.

At one point I found myself thinking that I wished I could see the unseen, that somehow in that moment it would be a comfort. To know for certain there was something there supporting me.

This being after HAL presented me with a string of products while browsing on WISH that all fit my life’s journey, ending with a shirt that read “She knew she could, but was too tired.” In that moment I knew if nothing else the great AI was paying attention, not much good that means. Ultimately I think I am simply doubting that the All-That-Is is able to help me in this body with this brain. Yet I know deep down that thought is a fallacy. I’m the one hindering the helping.

Then I refocused and reminded myself that there are children in Mexican interment camps without proper care and basic comforts, some of which have died as the results. I reminded myself that in many places in this world there are children without shelter, without food, and without clean water. Those children are subjected to the relentless heat, which I escape regularly. I have plenty of food, clean water, and comfortable shelter. I should have no worries and only gratitude.

Enter listening to MC Yogi rap about Ghandi in his song “Be The Change”, it seems I find myself circling back to Ghandi over and over. Each time I find myself crying, but also thinking of Mother Teresa, that namesake I was teased with as a child. I find myself thinking I would like to manage to do half as much good for this world as they accomplished.

Why does doing good for the world seem to be such a lofty and difficult, seemingly insurmountable task?

Ultimately, it is because we fail to honor our baby steps of such nature.

My last client had family visiting from Virginia, and they were eager to express their gratitude for my efforts. It was a surreal moment as I just feel I’m doing my job. It just is what it is.

Yet, often I send a silent prayer when I’m working that perhaps when I’m old and grey there will be someone willing to do for me what I do for them, even if I can’t afford to pay for it.

So, if I acknowledge I merely have hopes of that one day, and families feel so strongly that I’m a great and wonderful help, then that I must be. I humbly accept that my baby steps of good lie in my work, lie in my meager donations, and lie in my kindness toward others, especially with my children when they’ve pushed all the buttons and I’d much rather default to my old abusive behavior. Those are my baby steps of goodness. My I be the change I wish to see, and may my world be filled with a reflection of that.

If you find yourself reading this, may you find and honor your baby steps of goodness. Let your light shine bright in this world. If you have any connection whatsoever to our government’s interment camps, may you find your way to bring the light and help those children. We all have work, and sometimes that work seems to be necessary but contrary to our desires. However, perhaps that is where you can bring light by taking baby steps to make a bad situation even just slightly better. We can all make this world better if we all aim for just a bit better. Ghandi and Mother Teresa are merely extremes to serve as reminders to us all.

Be well and shine bright everyone.

Watch “MC YOGI – Be the Change (Official Video)” on YouTube

A Brief Exposé

Preface:

I’m going to intention to be somewhat vague here. I’ve noticed overlapping patterns in my manifestations and resulting interactions with others. I intend for this post to apply to as many of those overlapping situations as possible.

First and foremost:

“Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here.” ~ “Hayling” by FC Kahuna

I have come to rest for the moment in a place of acceptance of myself as I stand. I’m seeing my power and abilities and yet evaluating whether I wish to push the envelope or just allow myself to be for a bit.

I woke hurting this morning, a combination of allergic reactions from Anya’s birthday celebration, and physical fatigue from having done a dozen very-deep tissues this week. Yet I managed to push through and find genuine gratitude that at least I’m feeling it.

There are people living in this world that are unable to feel their arms and legs and would appreciate the discomfort of my aches this morning.

That acknowledgement in combination with something that crossed my path yesterday led me to a realization that I had attracted myself an onslaught of people unwilling to express their gratitude for me in any meaningful way. I literally saw how several people in my recent history (last 5 years) probably did care on some level, but convinced themselves for whatever reasons that they could not align with the action or resources which they knew would convey that most effectively. As a result I’ve parted and chosen to move on the best way I can, but lingering hurts cross my mind on occasion.

So here I sit feeling confident in my current endeavors and abilities, a new fuller knowing of myself, but slightly hesitating. Knowing that as I move forward I wish to attract people and experiences that honor myself better.

That means I must start by honoring myself better.

You see, the Law of Attraction is just that.

Like attracts like.

I could not have attracted those people and experiences if I had not held myself in that particular alignment.

Extrapolation:

“Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused.” ~ “Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics

I have been abused in my lifetime. Repeatedly in fact, and in multiple ways: physically, mentally, and emotionally. In turn my abused mind and body, unable to handle the hurts, reflected them back at those in my experience. I became the abuser. Not as severe as my abusers were, but abuse I delivered none-the-less. I knew in my heart I could not let that continue and prayed for help to change myself. I prayed that I might be forgiven for my indescrections. My least desire of anything in this world is to be abuser or abused.

I have been used in less abusive ways. Simply being an employee is, in a way, being used. However, because of my history with abuse, many of my being-used situations reflect a similar negative consequence. I see that my dream of Atira would in a way require that I use others. However, it is my prayer that I find a balance where I can utilize others in the best way possible, and while honoring their gifts as best as I am able. I want my having to experience the flip side to be full of as many positive consequences as possible. That means if I am to have employees I wish to compensate them properly. That means if I’m to utilize volunteers I wish to honor them fully and treat them accordingly. I want to teach people that honoring each other and ourselves is a way of honoring God.

Despite being one of my favorite songs, what “Sweet Dreams” fails to sing about is all of the other options.

I wish to love and be loved.

I wish to honor and be honored.

I wish to serve and be served in the name of God.

I wish to respect and be respected.

I wish to care and be cared for.

I wish to share and be shared with.

I wish for intellectual and emotional equals to experience this give take world with as partners and companions. Where we can all reach for better.

Full-Circle:

“I wished for you too.” ~ Practical Magic

I attracted you, with my attention to my desires and my sloppy habits stemming from hurt. My mixed bag brought you into my experience.

Yet, you must admit that you are equally responsible. You aligned in the exact same manner. You focused on your desires, but missed your sloppiness from your past.

You see we are equals, carrying the same level of blame.

I suspect you felt that you were better than I. That you could manifest things better, or that you were smarter than I, more connected, more esteemed or somehow more gifted. In your hubris you aligned yourself with idiocy and in a way became the abuser.

Your lack of humility, your inability to reach for better took us out of alignment.

You see, I seek those willing to admit we’re all equals here on this Earth stumbling through and learning how to reach for better and improve ourselves. Those willing to move mankind toward a brighter future. Those willing to take responsibility for their actions, offer apologies when necessary, and reach for honoring themselves and others better. I acknowledge that none are perfect, yet in our imperfection lies our greatest gifts.

I know you saw my intelligence, my strength, my reserve, my determination, my extra large size, as well as my extra large energy. You saw my fortitude, my resolve, my ability to endure and persevere. You saw my gifts and talents and my inner beauty.

Yet, your sloppy habits brought to your attention my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. I pushed your comfort zone and set a high bar. I challenged you in ways you obviously were unable to handle, which took us further out of alignment.

So now I can revise what I want, need, and desire.

I seek someone with equal intelligence, strength, reserve, determination, and energy. Someone with fortitude, resolve, ability to endure and persevere. Someone with gifts and talents and inner beauty. Yet someone humble enough to acknowledge that all of that exists in me and many others as well. Someone open minded enough to handle my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. Someone willing to allow themselves to grow through experiencing me fully. Someone able to have constructive conversations even when beliefs diverge. Someone able to convey their preferences while still exploring the unknown or perceived contrasting experiences. I seek someone willing to love and be loved. Someone to honor and be honored. Someone willing to serve and be served in the name of God. Someone willing and able to respect everyone and in turn be respected, to care and be cared for. Someone able to share and be shared with.

I need for those someones to be able to take responsibility and share their gifts to commit to not just my family, but to building Atira. You see, I don’t just need money for Atira, I need people, hands, help, specific knowledge that I would rather utilize in others than begin to learn myself. Atira will fare far better, actually become a success, if there is a group, a poly family, willing to share the work load. I seek those people.

I have thought about each person that had previously aligned and subsequently misaligned with me. If further alignment was genuine, accompanied by equally genuine apologies, and foreseeably maintainable, then I could potentially welcome them back.

At the moment I have no evidence to the possibility of that, and suggestions, mere hearsay, to the contrary. Yet, I’m going to leave room that it might be possible. However, I’m not going to hold my breath, because I know the universe will provide what I desire regardless. It has so far, I was just sloppy about maintaining my alignment, and THAT is where I know I can and will do better.

May all of my readers take this to heart and find and maintain their alignment. May you all have those in your life that honor, respect and love you for being you. May you heal your hurts and move on successfully. May you find a way to make your dreams happen.

Heisenberg?!

So this week has been interesting. Mostly ok.

The activities job wanted me back, but they acknowledged why I changed in the first place and asked me what my realistic request would be to take the position back. I consulted with an acquaintance, my husband, and did the math up one side and down the other. I knew my number was way out of reach. Essentially to take the job back and have a solid day off, they would have had to pay me $24 an hour to compensate for lost massage wages. Since I knew that was way out of reach, I decided I would come down a bit and try to do some of my massage in the evenings to eliminate having to release all of the one days’ wages, but still have a day off. The compromise was still $22.50 an hour. I figured that was still out of reach, but I gave them my honest carefully calculated answer.

Their response was that they appreciated me and would love to have me back, but couldn’t go quite that high. I said thank you and that I understood.

Then today, I had a really good day with a full massage schedule and everyone left with good comments on certain things I had done. Plus there was good tipping to be had. One person said it was the best massage she’d ever had, and another asked me what I put in the oil because it made her so relaxed she felt loopy. She confessed that she doesn’t get massages often, so since she loved it she’d be back, but wasn’t sure when.

As I was telling Nathan about my day, he said so you’re like Heisenberg then.

I replied “Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle?!”

He said “I’m not sure if that’s where it came from, but I was referencing the main character in Breaking Bad when he called himself Heisenberg to have a cool name to use for his cover, so that people would know he’s really good because he knew his stuff.”

I said ok and then explained what the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle was. Then said aloud, I guess it’s not everyday you hear a massage therapist explain particle physics. Then acknowledged I hadn’t put any brain space into that concept for over 15 years. It was a moment of wow, but damn my brain really does latch onto everything for good.

Anyway, the long and short of it is that Nathan’s show analogy is probably accurate, but in an odd way, even the principle itself kinda applies. Either way you look at it, I know my stuff. I’m good at whatever I give my attention to, and for the first time in my life I’m finally beginning to acknowledge that for myself. That feels really good.

May you all find your moment of self appreciation.