I understand. I do to.
I was going to call mom on Christmas and I heard her, from thin air, very distinctly say “I wish everyone would just leave me be.” So instead I sent a package with a note that said that, and wished her a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. It was a minor factor in why I didn’t call everyone else, having layers of reasons for everything these days.
She got the package yesterday and called me.
She admitted she isn’t doing well and was visited by two of my brothers over the weekend, which left her very tired and achey. In the conversation she spoke of her knowing of the extent of her ailments, and stressed several times that she was still in her right mind, that everything was physical in her body, not her mind.
She spoke of wanting to have already been gone and that she feels it is time to go, but that she definitely doesn’t want family pestering her, doctors either.
She asked me several questions regarding my intuition, and I answered honestly, about her and the rest of the family. I explained I knew that I was likely to loose 3 people in my immediate future, and was only confused on the 3rd. As for her situation, I told her my intuitive guidance had already chimed in on that as well. I just knew that what she needed to do, was what she used to do when Dad couldn’t or wouldn’t get a job, except that she needed to make her own request for herself.
I told her that I fully understood everything she was saying, because I genuinely do.
We’ve both worked in nursing enough to know the fullness of that future, and neither of us wants that. Also, we’ve both learned enough about our own health concerns to know that Western medicine can’t always fix the problem. I reminded her that hospice is still an option and if set up now while she’s able, she can file appropriate forms to make sure morphine is her only treatment. She said she isn’t ready for that step yet. I told her I would help when she was, if she wanted me to. I also reiterated my standing offer for a wide array of other options, and that if at any point she changed her mind it was totally fine.
See, I know that my mom has been there for everyone around her, to the very best of her abilities, for her entire life. It is where I learned it.
For once she is finally making a selfish decision and I fully, 100%, support her in that. She deserves it. She deserves to have the peace. She deserves to have the quiet she always longed for. She deserves to enjoy her days the way she wants to. She deserves to have something of hers before she leaves this world, and I will do a anything she wants me to, especially if it supports her end of life desires. If she wants to be alone in her quiet Iowa apartment, then that is what she can have.
I love my mom more than anything or anyone in this world, Nathan and my kids are tied for a close second, a couple of my brothers tie for third (though I’m not sure they realize it). We haven’t always agreed 100%, but she taught me everything that has been of great value to me. I respect her and know she deserves anything she wants. And what she wants is a quiet, peaceful, exit from this world. I am fully in support of her.
She requested that I not tell my siblings of the details of her state, but if I knew any way to calm them down it would be appreciated. She also said that when she was gone to please make certain that my siblings knew it was her choice and that she had lived a happy life. She just wanted everyone to know she has no regrets. I told her I would do my best, just like I always have.
I love my mom and I will miss her terribly fierce, but I have to let her go. I simply must, to be able to fully support her decision, and maintain my progress. Besides, I do truly believe she deserves anything she wants, and this is what she wants.
I love you momma. Peace be with you. Go find your stallion and Irishman.
May you know you are loved and that you deserve anything you want. May you see you are truly loved always. May you know with everything in your being that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do. May peace be with you always.