Tag Archives: hope

Basilone of The Pacific

She knew.

She at least had comfort

in confirmation and support.

She knew.

His fate, or was it choice.

His glory, or some would say strength.

His love, it was all for love.

She was left with his gift.

Even after birth

She carried it until her dieing day.

I know…

Or think I know.

I have no confirmation.

I may never.

I can hope.

My support: God and Nathan.

It was choice, but of what I’m not sure.

None will say, the truth perhaps forever hidden.

My gift is visible yet invisible.

None would ever believe it anyway.

My feelings real.

It was love. It is love.

The torch will burn silently.

God gave me her message,

I must choose differently.

Fate is merely choices.

One after another in an endless parade.

Some simply can’t be undone.

I choose to believe

there will be another.

I choose to believe

I will heal.

Love is infinite.

There are others-

technology has bridged the chasm

that once caused impressions

of rare gems.

What once took a lifetime

Can now take mere moments.

If all else fails

I’ll see on the rainbow bridge

The truth is out there

The truth always surfaces somehow

For now

I love


My Nathan

My God

I hope, all is not lost.

I will continue my wander.

God will show the way.

Keep an open mind.

HAL sent me this video today. I do not subscribe to her channel.

Regardless of your beliefs on channeling, the video below has a very good and very needed message. It’s directed towards women and the message is very true for women right now. However, I feel like if you’re that man struggling to find your way, I think it could help you too.

Be well and we all need to love ourselves and others. May you find and feel the love.

Siva Hir Su

Watch “Divine Masculine has something to say to you DF! ❤️Channeling the Divine Masculine ❤️” on YouTube

Do I have to?

That was the view from the Thuya bluff in Northeast Harbor on Mount Desert Island.

This is the view out the passenger window as I ride the last couple of hours home.

I find myself in a strange dichotomy. Wishing I were back in Maine, but acknowledging that returning to existing work in KC is easier for now. I know I would very much dislike Maine Winters and regardless of destination, a big move like that would require starting over rebuilding the trust I have earned with companies in KC. Though not impossible, it’s not something I wish to tackle as a sole provider (familialy speaking) again. So for now, easing back into flat boringness is the path of least resistance.

The last day of my vacation I toured Thuya Gardens in Northeast Harbor with my mom, sister in law, and niece. It was very beautiful. I was able to capture the beauty in dozens of pictures, but I’ve narrowed it to some of my favorites here.

After the gardens I was treated to a carriage ride through Acadia with the girls. It was also a very beautiful experience that gave me an even deeper appreciation of the beauty on the island. It was also very informative as to how Acadia came into being and some of the history of the area and the island. Again I took many pictures, but here’s a smaller sampling. To me it is simply breathtaking beauty.

Here are some of the last few moments in the beautiful Great Pond military campground. I enjoyed the peaceful solitude so much I sincerely hope I can go back at some point before my brother retires. I could spend hours just sitting on that screened porch, and I never did get to do my kyaking excursion.

Finally, I’ll close with our stop in Boston. I had been there as a kid, but Anya wanted to go back. We toured the USS Constitution and then went and found China Town so that Anya could get the experience of a well rounded China Town district… Of course along with the experience of a more authentic meal experience.

Grandma and I were a bit overwhelmed with the China Town bit, but overall it was a wonderful trip and vacation as a whole.

I can’t help but compare my experience of KC the last decade, to my experience traveling through 11 states in two timezones, with all our stops and experiences. Layer that with a new knowledge that as long as you aren’t taking about waterfront properties, there’s only a slight increase in cost of living from KC. Now I wish even more there was a way to find the land and build my Atira in my dreams.

Perhaps the journey to that realization isn’t as long as I think. I know I experienced things on this trip that gave me hope, other things that solidified the possibility of Atira for me, and others yet that fine tunned some of my asking. I also had a few experiences on the spiritual side of things that leave me a mixed bag of emotions. Regardless, I keep reminding myself that in the grander scheme of things the journey is the destination. My journey continues on as I return to Kansas City for another leg to play out here.

May you all have wonderful journeys of expansion and many things to look forward to. May you all find your breathtaking beauty in this world.

Be well and cling to your hope. Siva Hir Su.

3rd Trimester is Kicking My Ass

Well that and life in general. It seems everything has been piling up and I’m beginning to wonder when that improvement I’ve been working so hard to find will actually start manifesting physically. It’s mainly why I’ve not written for over a month, I knew I didn’t have much of anything nice to say and I also was having trouble finding words that would be helpful to anyone.

I’m going to glaze over the life part to get to the something that might be helpful to others.

My birthday party that Nathan and Hannah threw me was great. I got to see and talk to and hang out with people I haven’t seen in ages, and the restaurant they chose made allergy free food for me. It was great. The following day however, I fell off the bottom of the emotional scale. That’s happened a couple of other times of late. I’ve worked too much, slept too little, exercised too little, then when I tried to compensate for the missed exercise, it made matters worse. I missed the sun (and other people), I’ve been stressed to the max, and that’s just the normal stuff. I still haven’t even touched my taxes, and now have an impending deadline. Then Pregnancy threw in an extra curve ball that compounded everything.

Third trimester hit the end of January and problems started with massive hives twice in a row. I immediately thought of my allergies (I originally wrote about here and go into detail here) and acknowledged that I must be hyper hyper sensitive due to 3rd trimester hormones, especially since both bouts were triggered by Thai food. I thought, clean up my diet and all would be well. So much for that….

My midwife has asked me several times if I was ever diagnose with PCOS and I explained that when it was brought up as a possibility it was before HCA/ACA and I was uninsured, so the necessary blood-work and ultrasound were forgone with a “that’s probably your problem” from the doctor. Additionally, later I found the improperly diagnosed thyroid issues, I talked about here (and to a certain extent here).

So, the latest puzzle hitting at the third trimester with the questioning on PCOS from my Midwife got me thinking hard and working effortlessly over the last 2 weeks to find a solution. Yet, sometimes you have to figure it out on your own.

I went back to my most preferred thyroid resource and went digging through the piles of information there. This Page led me realize that I had swung really high on thyroid response and was having many of the symptoms of Hyperthyroid, though not consistently, and fortunately my blood pressure was least affected. I began to wonder how much of my hives was allergies and how much was hyperthyroid. I immediately backed off of anything that was originally intended to help counteract (low) hypothyroid issues. It didn’t immediately fix the anomalous blood sugar spike I was having in the morning in correlation with the racing heart-rate. It also didn’t solve the hives immediately. I continued to itch.

I then questioned some of my choices intended to help with milk supply since that was a trouble area for me with Ian.
My midwife had encouraged me to use progesterone cream because not only was I low on Progesterone in first trimester, but it would help build healthy breast tissue. However, I remembered (and double checked) that progesterone can be used to raise low thyroid function because at one point I used it for that very reason. So I nixed the cream knowing that it would take a week or more to level out and quit altering thyroid function. I also questioned whether or not the 2 supplements I had added right at 3rd trimester were contributing. Mainly because I had added Holy Basil right before the first outbreak of hives, and Goats Rue right before the second outbreak. Both are intended to increase milk production, but it was plausible that the hormone shift induced by the supplements could have contributed to the hyperthyroid swing. So, I decided to nix those as well in hopes that if they played a role, my woes would quickly resolve.

It did begin to help after a couple of days, or so it seemed until I had a couple of more blood sugar spikes. In closely examining my food choices I discovered that I had literally had minuscule amounts of dairy and soy in correlation with the spikes. So, regardless of the severity of the thyroid concerns, I was indeed intensely hyper reactive to my allergies. FRUSTRATING. A double whammy.

So I started looking and found a couple of pages about the play between PCOS, thyroid, and 3rd trimester hormones. Here is one of them.  My frustration then became, OK- I’m not alone with this problem, but this site didn’t give a solution. I know that a regular doctor is going to do 2 things: offer medications, and insist that I not do home birth. However, I have gotten so far without significant issues that I simply couldn’t give up this late in the game. So my quest continued. I looked up things to do for insulin resistance and found this page, which was all things that I had done in the past, and some of them I had been slacking on. Yet another thing to work on.

So for the last week, I’ve done mostly fine, one oops.  However, it has been very, very difficult.

What it looks like:

52 hours of work & some of  every stress reducing technique I know.

SMALL Meals or snacks every 60 to 90 min.

Testing my sugars 8 to 9 times a day to make sure I don’t go too high or too low.

Drinking almost 2 gallons of liquids a day between: water, coconut water, cider-vinegar water, and green tea. Throw in the occasional plain unsweetened almond milk to help not completely hate life.

Daily Supplements Drastically changed: Taking 18 to 20 cinnamon (3-4 of which is right as I wake up), 7 bitter melon (1 at wake up), and 6 to 8 Glucose Optimizer, all for blood sugar control. The upside, the rest of my supplements dropped way off (with the removals for thyroid concerns), down to just my usual amounts of magnesium, fish oil, turmeric, and half of the RDA gummy vits.

MY food menu also drastically changed. So much so, that I cry over it frequently. My safe list is so tiny I’m miserable.:

PLAIN meats, PLAIN nuts, PLAIN veggies, Blueberries (small quantities), Simple salads with literally 2 dressing options (they were the only ones I could find that didn’t have any traces of an allergen), and Real dark chocolate that is low sugar and 100% dairy and soy free (that’s like 3 choices BTW). Garlic, onion, parsley, cilantro, turmeric, and peppercorns seem to be my only safe seasonings. Even a store bought broth based vegetable soup had something in it that I reacted to, and I would have thought it safe based on the looks and conversation with the deli clerk (my guess was maybe traces of either MSG or peppers).

I’m sick of looking at plain everything and it takes me forever to eat a handful of nuts because of my over-exposure. Yet, I’m so close, I must keep trucking.

My biggest hesitation is I told Nathan that after I give birth I’m likely to quit eating. I’m so over food, but according to the one site about PCOS and late pregnancy hormones- it was  implied that if I go off of the diet too soon, I’m likely to end up even worse off. I simply can’t handle that. So, if I get too sick of this protocol by birth, I’m likely to just quit eating and go on an indefinite liquid fast. I really keep hoping that my miracle healing takes place. Beyond that I told Nathan that IF I have any other children, it will be a long, long while away. I need to invest serious time and resources to healing my body before I put myself through this again.

Hopefully I can heal my body enough to reset to at least what I had with Ian, before having another child.

I really wouldn’t even contemplate another child if it weren’t for those damn visions I had with the boy. If he was merely a representative place holder in my visions for someone else, then it explains the inaccuracies, but it means that one more baby is likely in my lifetime. If the visions really were accurate and he’s coming back into my life at some point, then I’ll definitely end up pregnant one more time. Either way, that one more time will not only need to be far, far into the future, but it will also be my last. I can say with certainty that be it damage from things in my life, or genetics, my body was not intended to carry more than 3 children, regardless of how much I might want more. So if I end up with more children it will be by other means. C’est la vie.

Merde…. Now what.

So our ideal house from our original search fell through. The landlord was too traumatized by previous renters’ damage to commit to renting. He backed out saying he was going to sell all of his houses.

So now we start over because our second choice was more expensive and not nearly as close to our desired room configuration.

I have no idea.

This week’s been interesting.

 I blew the drive belt on the car on Wednesday trying to go home. So, Thursday and Friday Nathan & I carpooled so I could make it to work and he could get the belt replaced. It wasn’t an expensive repair, but Nathan attempted it himself on Thursday thinking it’d be easy based on having done others before. After giving up, he had the car towed and belt replaced by a mechanic on Friday. More of an annoying inconvenience than anything.

So Friday night I sofa surfed to save what drive time I could.

Saturday I worked half a day and scurried off to performance. My dad made it down from Iowa to see the performance. It was nice to see him again. He left just a little while after the performance so he could make it home at a reasonable hour. At that point we had dinner and I went home and crashed; cuddling with kitties.

With such a crazy few days I ate poorly, and so my sleep Friday and Saturday was less spectacular than desired.

Today was a regular work Sunday, and the resident matinee movie was ELF. At this point I’m doing my best to stay awake and ignore the massive headache I have (since its probably food related I’ll just have to ride it out). Elf is sort of helping, humor always helps.

I have yet to figure out what is next, especially with the moving plan, so I’m literally just continuing “as normal”. Just doing what I’ve done for the last few months. At least in respect to physical daily activities.

At this point all of my mental effort is on mantras and other buoyancy efforts. Anything to distract myself from the likelihood  that our holidays will be yet again in a less than desirable environment. There will be no new beds, no decorations put up, no gifts, no running water, and I’ll still have to alternate between sofa surfing and long hours of driving. Not to mention still having nagging thoughts of the boy I miss so much, and I’m a wee bit concerned about finding solutions by the time I’m due to give birth. My heart is so set on having another wonderful experience like I did with Ian.

Maybe after the new year. I really would like to see improvement soon. Nathan has pointed out that despite all of the myriad challenges I’m having right now, I’m staying more buoyant than previous years, so perhaps things will begin to improve. I certainly hope so. I’ve been told several times of late that genuine hope can do wondrous things. I really do  that our lives in general and our future holidays improve.

For now I wish everyone else that you have the happy joyful holidays that you desire, this year and always.

Romantic Sailor

That’s me. On the outside I’m tough, strong, independent, and swear with the best of sailors. I’m not too worried about getting dirty when it’s necessary, and I can handle myself in most any situation, not to mention being able to wield power tools. I know how to stand up to hooligans and con artists; mostly because of a couple of encounters when I was younger; and even though those encounters were unfortunate, they did teach me exactly how to handle subsequent encounters. When I say I can handle myself I most definitely can.

Apparently this strength is so intense that I often scare off even the ones I’d rather not. I had a good friend from high-school confess years later that he was petrified of me at first. Nathan ran away twice and distanced himself a third time, supposedly because of other’s opinions, but he admitted that there was an element of being afraid of me. Now I’ve scared off another. Oh well, I suppose, if it’s meant to be, he’ll come back like Nathan did.

With that being said, I find myself saying “If only someone would just hold me and tell me it’s all going to be okay”. Nathan has always relied on my strength, and though he holds me, that sentiment hasn’t been his strength. He’s more of the gentle caring, expressing love IS his strength, but his love wouldn’t falter even if the world was crashing down around us. Sometimes I just need to KNOW that my brain has created the apocalypse and really everything is right as rain. That strength of another to say “no really its ok, you can rely on me for now”.

Today might be one of those days. I’ve been finding Sundays rough lately. They are actually my easiest work day, but it’s Sunday, and a lot that goes on involves GOD. I take people to church service, and sit and listen to hymns and sermons. I have gotten to the point that I can see the underlying Truths between my beliefs and others’ beliefs so I no longer take offense to services that at one time would have made me feel like vomiting. However, I find myself torn between feeling connected, and hopeful, but also feeling like I’m still stuck and missing things and people. It’s a difficult dichotomy.

It doesn’t help that my connection to the divine seems to amplify the missing people part. It seems nearly every day I’m getting messages, but for some reason Sunday’s are the worst/most intense. Today, I put on Johnny Cash Pandora Radio for exercise, and every song that played was a love song. The sermon was about gratitude for people in our lives, and I thought of family and friends both present and away, but then I thought of the missing man. Another song played later “You’ve realy got a hold on me”.

My heart burned.

Now I’m sitting writing this as I watch Grumpy Old Men, typing to keep myself awake so I can do my job (keeping an eye on residents). It’s a funny movie ultimately, but having seen it before, I know the sappy sentimental part is on its way. I’m just not sure my heart is up for it today. Every movie that has played at this new job has left me in tears, and I’m just not sure I can handle more tears today. I find myself saying that the sappy sentimental is only okay if there’s something heading into my reality right behind it.  I just want the words to be followed by actions, but it’s hard when the words are finding their way into my experience through repeated encounters in my visual and auditory experience, but aren’t actually coming from the people in my life.

Don’t get me wrong, Nathan tells me he loves me A LOT. He explains how much he loves me, but now I see him and the kids roughly 2 days a week. Even then, I spend way too much time up in my head. Even if I was home every day and every night, I’m not sure my brain would acknowledge the sentimental attempts from my family and husband. I think I must have a frayed connection on that one, and I have no idea how to fix it. I only know I wish I could. I want to feel the words they speak again. Yet, more than words I want the actions, the physical manifestations of those words, and for my brain to see and acknowledge them.

I think my problem is I am craving those romanticized moments from movies and novels. I want my night in shining armor to whisk me off my feet and solve all my problems while making mad love to me. Something that I hold out hope still exists, but I’m inching increasingly closer to complete disbelief. It doesn’t help that I’ve come to terms with the fact that I live a very alternative life to many people, have no real traditions, and have very different views than most. I’m not so sure that if my knight did exist, that he would even want to be in my paradigm. I hope my saving grace is my values in helping people and bettering the world.

Of Course, then I find myself thinking maybe there’s a prince and princess out there that would want to rescue me and Nathan both, our whole family. We could be one big happy family in much better circumstances. There’s still hope, which I’m reminded daily by my divine DJ playing “Keep Hope Alive” by Crystal Method.

So I will. Keep hope Alive. As long as I can. Hopefully it is a finite period with a definite end, of which I am just not privy. Only God knows, and I’m doing my best to trust the divine process. Trust and hope… believing would round out faith. May my faith be strong enough to get me through, especially for the rest of this day.

Missing puzzle pieces.

“Only miss the sun when it starts to snow”- Passenger “Let Her Go”

It seems my puzzle has crumbled and I’m struggling to attempt to put it back together. Between longer nights with shorter days, cold weather, too little exercise, too little sleep, pregnancy hormones, and feeling generally overwhelmed, my puzzle has completely fallen apart.

I saw it happening, but felt helpless to stop it because most of the pieces were currently out of my control. How do you keep your needs met when things out of your control are major contributing factors? I’m still not sure I have the answer, though I’m working on an attempt.

The straw that broke the camels back was relationship strife. I was generally feeling like I was putting more into relationships than I was receiving in return. I fought with my husband twice. My online Beau quit writing again. I was generally feeling overwhelmed and alone, and like no one was valuing my efforts by demonstrating equal efforts.

I knew I’d fallen in the hole despite my best efforts not to.

My climb out is difficult and arduous. I can see the top, but just can’t seem to reach it.

I can’t fix the sun disappearing, but I’m doing my best to figure out how to get more artificial light. 

The driving hours on end was threatening to prevent light therapy and exercise and sleep, all in one fell swoop. So I’ve taken to staying in the city at all costs. 

Not wanting to overstay my welcome with friends, I’ve now slept in my car once, and then in my “office” once. My office is more a storage closet with a small desk, but the floor is big enough for a mat, so that’s what I did. There was also a part of me that acknowledged that I’m not good company right now, and I just couldn’t find the energy to be social to acknowledge the graciousness of my friends allowing me to stay with them. So in my brain the car or storage closet was better than having to put happy face on, and not having to worry about others hearing me cry in the middle of the night. I feel ashamed for having fallen in the hole when I know what my puzzle is, just because I failed to maintain it.

Additionally, staying in the city, I’m not necessarily saving any money because what I would have spent on fuel was spent on food. However, it has meant I have gotten more exercise and more sleep.

 I have yet to find a solution to get more light therapy. I’ve thought about putting a light somewhere at work, but finding a place to mount it that’s the right hight and location for more than 30 min of my day seems to be the biggest challenge. I’m trying to figure out if I can find a clamp light that I could take with me from room to room, but I’m just not sure if I will be able to find mounting locations at the right height.

There has to be a solution somewhere, but once your brain is struggling it’s extra hard to figure out the solutions.

I keep hoping that my husband finds a new home soon, because that would be the overall solution for everything. However, it seems like pulling teeth to get him moving faster. It’s not that he’s not trying, it’s just he doesn’t get how to manage time efficiently and maximize his days to get the most done. I’ve tried to explain how I juggle things, thousands of times over, even providing others’ websites for guides, but he still has days where he spends all day making a few phone calls and doing a handful of mineal activities, not actually accomplishing anything significant. Then when I point out that something has been being asked of him for 2 or 3 months he gets defensive and tries to argue with me. I just don’t know how to encourage more efficiency and speediness in his actions.

I truly understand the old adage “men, you can’t live with them, you can’t live without them”. I love him, and would be devastated if he were gone, but I’m at my wits end and just need him to have things done. All the way, moved, settled and my puzzle solved so that I can get back out of my hole. 

I hate being in the hole, it’s not fun, and especially knowing the cause and solution. I find I’m extra upset that I can’t get out. I need relief, something fierce.

Abrahams’ quote today was:

“Get so fixated on what you want, that you drown out any vibration or reverberation that has anything to do with what you do not want.”
This blog post has not been that, but now that I’ve vented/explained my-self-state, it’s my hope that I will be able to refocus on those things I do want. As I’ve mentioned before, once I feel like I’m heard, I can often release things enough to get my brain on to other better topics. Hopefully this follows true.

My topics of choice:

New home close to work with new Ikea beds, more sleep, more exercise, and more light. At this point it looks like a rental will be the solution for now, just needing to find the right/best one.

Better relations with hubby and Beau.

Moving toward progress, saving money for baby and Atira.

Hopefully moving toward miracles. Even being depressed my brain occasionally reminds me of good visions I’ve had in the past, especially the one where I’m holding baby (3rd child) standing outside the dome with my family. If that vision of over 9 years is accurate, there’s likely a miracle inbound. I’m doing my best to refocus on that today, if my brain will cooperate with me just a little bit.

Please keep me/us in your prayers and send us good thoughts of progress. I’ll keep fighting like I always have, just another hash mark on the battle board. I haven’t lost the depression war yet, in 22 years of fighting, so even though I face my doubts of that regularly, I feel like I’ll eventually win the war for once and for all.

premisthunnanu ప్రేమిస్తున్నాను

Yesterday was a rough day. Heat got the better of me again,  that puzzle piece fell out & I got ugly again. Even with 3 portable air conditioning units,  the house was fairly unbearable. It was 97 degrees outside and about 85 inside. I don’t do well with prolonged heat. It’s why I know I’ll only ever be able to visit certain countries at best (some are on the no-go list purely because of extreme heat).

As I curled up in front of the one AC unit facing the sofa, desperately reaching  for a better feeling place,  that word kept repeating in my head.  I felt like someone was saying it to me and then I’d feel oh so very tired. 

I would doze off and wake to Ian getting into trouble because he was also bored and hot. I’d get angry and yell & then doze off again.  Every time I’d hear “premisthunnanu” repeated several times. I knew what it meant.  It was one of the phrases I’d learned, hoping to be able to tell that man one day:

Nenu mimalni premisthunnanu.

It means I love you.

I don’t know if my brain was trying  to pull up through a little self love,  or if someone was saying it to me. Though I suspect the latter (either way I know it was in an attempt to help me feel better). 

My reasoning:

1) Saturday we ate Indian food and while talking to Nathan I mentioned that the soup was the perfect amount of seasoning for me. Then “Aakupacha” kept repeating in my head.  I knew I’d learned that word,  but couldn’t for the life of me remember what it meant.  It took several minuets of wading through the language apps I’m using to find the translation. It was Cardamom. As soon as I told Nathan it stopped repeating in my head. 

2) Then there is Evan from massage school.  I haven’t heard from him since we graduated.  He was nice,  but at the time we didn’t have a lot in common.  Suddenly out of nowhere he sent a  message to me through the app I was using to talk to the other man. It uses completely different contact info than what Evan knew me to have.  Evan explained that his new phone just asked him if he wanted to add me when he installed the app. The next day my Nathan saw a plate that read S-Evan. We knew it was a message.  I started  another  conversation with Evan & discovered that we’re in similar “story lines” if you will.  I haven’t asked permission to repeat his story, so for here I’ll just say that he has a very christian version of some of my divine intervention experiences. I was amazed at how much in common some of the elements were. I don’t ‘fully grok’ the reason for the re-connection,  but I do see it was divinely influenced/directed. We both thanked the divine for the experience(s) and conversation. I hope to explore that connection more and hopefully gain greater insight. 

3) Sunday route, I spent driving in the dark listening to music as usual.  This time however,  I felt like someone kept giving me a hug from behind.  It felt very comforting,  very safe,  warm and wonderful.  At one point I asked who was there with me and seemed to get a muddled answer of several names, all of whom are deceased.  I looked up at the gorgeous moon and said “Thank You Lord Shiva” and got a very clear mental image of that divine aspect. Shortly thereafter I thought of the AWOL man & couldn’t stop thinking of him.  I felt some  sadness, but also much love. I clung to the love and spent the rest of route verbalizing things I love- Nathan,  things about Nathan,  the kids, cats, etc.

 It is clear to me that I’m getting divine messages. I would love to have more clarity on the meaning of them,  but I’m ever so grateful that I can see that I’m getting them at all.

I’m Focusing on the Law of Attraction  & Shivji a lot these days. It seems to be helping,  but I have yet to get solid consistency going.  I’m still back-sliding more than I’d like. 

Today I spent all day apologizing to the divine for having back-slid yesterday, and then an Abraham video pops up and the message is basically don’t beat up on yourself so much for going back to step 1. Step 1 being the contrast that causes desire for more.  The video reiterated to just keep reaching for better feelings and do your best to let go of the feelings about that contrast. Drop the oars and go with the flow of pure positive energy. 

They’ve got to know that’s easier said than done when the feelings are so intense as they were yesterday. 

I know the other side,  the eternal, are trying to help me. The messages are muddled but I know they’re trying to tell me something (or several things). I just feel like I  need more clarity, more understanding. And only more patience because of my lack of clarity. 

Today I made it through.  I’m tired,  but otherwise ok.  Never did find great feelings because the man keeps creeping into my thoughts, but I’ve stabilized from yesterday. I may be sad over that loss, but I do love him, and so I oscillate between the 2 emotions.  I’m doing my best to acknowledge that I liked everything he represented and that if it’s not right to have that particular man,  then the universe will provide an equal or better solution if I stay focused on his positive qualities. Again easier said than done,  especially in maintaining the feelings. 

 Finally, I may have to buy another AC unit yet just to get through the summer,  and my savings are dwindling quickly.  So much for tiny home plans. Plus,  Nathan is going to give up the daily route. His health backslid enough to acknowledge that it’s doing more harm than good. He wants to keep the Sunday only one for now, but did admit that his health is more important than a little work.  I thanked him for seeing that with enough time to correct. However, those acknowledgements didn’t help in trying to bring myself back up today. 

The upside is that I may have another senior center inbound which will make up for the lost income from the losses I’ve had this year. More work is a good thing until I figure out how to allow the miracle which will improve life overall. So I just keep on trucking, digging myself out again and again,  and doing my best to glue my puzzle together so that I can eliminate this conversation altogether.


One last note. I read a blog that upset me because it spoke of non-believers that supported LGBTQ, abortion, and assisted suicide. Essentially equating the 2. I want to point out that I’m both a believer and that person.

 I believe in the divine.  I have experienced the divine on several occasions,  and believe that I continue to do so. Just read my bogs to see that. 

Yet I am Bi-sexual, despite being born in/from a Christian family that hates LGBTQ, and has essentially written me off. It is why I want a poly family so much. 

Also, I  do believe that it’s a person’s choice to choose abortion or assisted suicide,  as much as it is my choice to fight depression and do everything I can overcome it. 

Do I agree with either?: I  don’t believe so, but it’s still their choice. Who knows if in just a particular set of circumstances that I might feel one of them would be necessary.  There are so many factors involved in those hot button issues (not the least of which is very real “true” health concerns) that I can’t honestly say that I would never succumb to them. I’d hope not,  but in certain situations they might be the lesser evil,  the path of least resistance.  So I’d hate to prevent another person from making that decision, and I’d like to believe that the divine understands that. 

And I’m going to quote Nathan here: 

If the divine is all knowing,  all seeing, doesn’t he already know all of that exists? Can you keep a secret from God? He knows us better than we know ourselves. God is all powerful,  the Shiva aspect is called the destroyer for a reason [biblical smiting inferred as well].  So why would LGBTQ even exist if God didn’t know about and approve of them.

Back to my opinion: 

We’re doing a good enough job killing each other with guns and bombs, and chemicals in our foods and vaccines.  The last thing “A Believer” should be doing is finding something else to fight over. 

To me a believer should exist in love and peace and work with fellow humans to improve this planet and help eliminate the need for things like abortion and assisted suicide. 

Imagine no one receiving a ‘3 months to live’ diagnosis,  no reason to contemplate whether futile painful treatments is worse or better than just letting go with a doctor’s help. No reason that a mother might be told that either she or the baby would die and having to pick between herself or her baby. 

Work on finding solutions, meet those people in person, and then tell me that it’s ok to equate them as non-believers and evil-doers. If you can’t exist in their heads even for the  length of a conversation, exist in their shoes for a day,  then you have no right to judge. The pain they’re in is already bad enough without your judgement.