Tag Archives: hopeful

My Polyamory

I have intentionally not written much on this topic because about a year ago I went and posted a bunch of links and good info from other sites. There are so many aspects to look at and perspectives to consider that it is all just too much for me to even attempt.

However, Nathan suggested that I write at least once on my experiences and opinions on the matter. So, I’m taking his advice.

First and foremost Polyamory is many loves, a plural relationship based in a foundation of love.

From the view of a successful balanced poly family, I’ve not had much luck, at least in maintaining such a plural commitment. However, I have had lots of fine tuning and reevaluating, which Abraham says is always a good thing. I’m going to agree.

Nathan and I used to be, what gets labeled “Unicorn Hunters” by more forceful poly opinions. We were ‘significant-others’ seeking a single bisexual female to balance my bisexuality. After several failed attempts to find our good fit, we relaxed into accepting that our perfect woman might come attached to another person. It might also happen that we find several people to meet both mine and Nathan’s needs and desires.

Our hesitation with accepting the concept of multiples, initially was brought on mainly by fearful thoughts of: how do you get multiple adults on the same page and keep them in agreement and in cooperation. Especially regarding children in the family, rules of behavior, setting expectations, and even logistics of cleaning and cooking. However, at this point in our marriage we have come to the conclusion that those are challenges any relationship faces regardless if there are 2 or 12 people. We also now have lots of experience dealing with each other and multiple attempts at significant-other additions. We’ve also come to conclusions that some things are easier if approached like companies handle staffing: creating schedules and assignments of tasks, which can always be adjusted and changed as needed.

So at this point we’re much more open to alternate options and arrangements for our family structure, and have a better grasp of the interpersonal needs that entails. Our main goal now is that a variety of needs and desires are met, and that all adults act like adults and remain considerate of the family as a whole when making significant decisions. If those decisions are likely to impact the family in a huge way (move, replace belongings, or decisions regarding educational or medical concerns) then the family should be consulted with a proposal before final decisions are made.

Informed consent is a mainstay of poly whether it’s in regards to sex, reproduction, or any familial life event. Furthermore, informed consent requires a certain level of communication skills. You may have a great idea, but if you can’t make your case well to those involved it’s likely to fall flat.

So those elements have become our biggest priorities.

Beyond that, previous relationships ended due to factors involving but not limited to: personality clashes, instability due to processing previous traumas, and a lack of commitment by one or multiple parties. So we have simplified our request to the Divine that: future partners have their own stuff figured out at least well enough to cause only more minor bumps, previous severe traumas have been healed likewise, and that all parties be willing to commit enough to work through remaining glitches. All relationships have bumps, bruises, and fights, but it’s the severity and willingness to work through them that enable the relationship to last. Everyone coming together to learn and grow and heal, leads to happy long lasting family.

Acceptance of our humanness, and unconditional love allows for infinite growth. To me that means that I might get mad or frustrated with someone, but as long as I can refocus and remember we’re all human and that I do love them, then I can work through the upset to find a solution. That is the place of understanding that I aim for everyone in my family to hold.

There are also factors like honesty, openness, truthfulness, cooperative attitudes, and open mindedness which would be very important.

Finally, I wish to add compromise. A mainstay of finding solutions is learning how to compromise. There is almost always an answer that everyone can live with. It may not be perfect in everyone’s opinion, but gets the job done. Finding those compromises is paramount to maintaining family cohesion, and adults wishing to be in my family need to demonstrate an ability to compromise.

In conclusion, my ideal of Polyamory has evolved over the last 15 years to be less about the fine details and more about overarching qualities that I wish for people to exhibit.

Not to be too cliche, but can’t we all just get along, and all you need is love, would be the more concise mentality.

May you all find your family based in love and acceptance, but which committedly works through compromise to ensure everyone just gets along.

With love, be well. Siva Hir Su.

Already on the bus.

So I’ve finished reading “The Energy Bus” and realize now that I’ve already gotten my bus going. It’s been a slow start, bumpy ride, with a few breakdowns already, but my bus is generally pointed the right direction and moving.

Really I’ve been driving my bus for a while, but just need more focus and helpful passengers

I have my committed passengers, in for the full ride- my family by marriage and by giving birth.

I have my semi-committed or part time riders, people in my daily and work life that are generally as helpful as they can be, but can’t necessarily stay for the whole ride. Sometimes they’re on and sometimes they’re busy on their own bus.

I have at least one passenger, maybe 2 or 3 that I’m hoping are like the character Michael. Where they removed themselves, but ultimately come around, and end up finding themselves wanting to make positive changes too, and join my bus again. That would be nice, not just for my bus, but for them- their state of being- and because it will validate messages I got what seems like forever ago. May we all master only feeding the good dog.

So far I’ve already ejected a few of what was termed “Energy Vampires” from my bus, and there’s one big one that needs to go yet. Fortunately, those from my biological family have mostly removed themselves from my life, so that’s one less hurdle.

With all that being said, this book leaves me acknowledging I have steps to go yet.

I have used this blog to write about Atira many times, but it’s scattered through multiple posts and partial posts, and I’m not sure I’ve ever reinforced the entirety of the complexity of that to those on board my bus, even if part time. I think it would help to get more concise with my desires, vision, and focus so that there is one document I can reference. Maybe even to give them copies.

I still have a ways to go to ensure I’m only feeding the good dog, and fueling my bus with positive energy. I have the basic idea, but have some practicing to do to maintain it, because I do let fear and stress get the better of me frequently.

Also, I totally spend too much time worrying about people that don’t get on my bus. I will get better at acknowledging maybe it’s too soon for them or they have other reasons for not joining my route. It’s not personal to me, it’s personal for them and their journey.

Additionally, I still have a ways to go on demonstrating my own enthusiasm and love. I already do both, but often allow myself to be easily deflated, especially when my efforts go unnoticed, unacknowledged, or unresponded to. Then once I’ve been deflated, I definitely still struggle to get back up and give another go.

I also need to find my purpose in everything better. It’s easy for me when what I’m doing is part of my vision for Atira, but much much harder when my task-at-hand is seemingly unrelated. That is evidence of not fully knowing that “everything happens for a reason”. I must trust more and find how everything relates. How does what I’m doing fit with my journey and fuel my bus.

Lastly, a huge must: start having more fun and enjoying the ride more. It’s not that I don’t at all, but I really succumb to stress easily. I’m latching onto the books’ phrase “you can’t feel stressed when you feel blessed”. That is my biggest new goal. To be “too blessed to be stressed”.

With that I wanted to share the list of rules the book went over:

And finally, I wanted to share an Abraham Lincoln quote (below) from the book that really resonated with me. My life journey fine-tuned to that direction after the online stranger woke my dreams up in me. I realized I may fail, I may never actually get there, but giving up all together- ignoring who I’ve become- is far worse than failing. I must remain true to who I am and where I’d like to go, if I’m to ever find consistent happiness and have any chance at all of possibly making it there. I want my light to shine bright from here until my dieing days.

Again, thank you for hanging in with me and joining at least the written part of my ride. I sincerely hope you benefit from my words in one way or another.

Oscillating again.

I’m having a devil of a time attempting to stay buoyant these days. Between the discouraging lack of affordable decent housing, and being unable to let go of and move on from the boy, I keep finding myself in the hole. It doesn’t help that my depression puzzle pieces keep falling out of place, not all at the same time, but it seems I struggle to keep 3 or 4 of the six together at any given moment. It definitely contributes to my down-ness.

Anyway, this post is intended to get my mind on happy thoughts for as long as I can, so it might end up being long (apologies in advance).

 My goal is to show what I would love for the inside of my home to look like. Right now I’m really, really far from my desired look, and no one picture or item conveys the complexity of what I want. So I’m going to show as many elements as I can and describe what I like about them or why. 

My examples are pulled from online(google), and there’s a bunch of pictures, so I didn’t cite their sources. However, most of them, the screen shots caught the descriptions, so you’re welcome to get to them that way. I just want to clarify that these are all found images that I happen to appreciate, I take no credit for their existence.

So to start, I wanted to show furniture styles that I have always liked. I love furniture that looks clean and simple, but also is very functional. These pics are things that represent styles I’ve always liked. The qualifier here is I also like color, so even though these are muted colors, I’d rather have beautiful shades of reds and greens and blues. 

The sofa I love because it’s not only a guest sleeper, but it has a huge storage compartment under the chaise, and it’s affordable.

Chairs: I still like clean lines and simple designs, but I much prefer high back chairs for good back and neck support.

Chaise: I don’t know why, but I’ve always wanted just one of these. Perhaps it’s because several of my favorite novels from years back had one in their story lines.

Bedroom happiness: more clean lines, more organization. Color, in the bedroom, for me, falls in linens, curtains, and wall colors, so I’m OK with neutral colored furniture. I usually prefer lighter neutral furniture, but I do think I’d like to try having the dark woods in my own bedroom for a change. The more easy storage the better, it helps reduce and eliminate clutter.

I’d love to have a huge closet with built in customized shelves and drawers, but the more realistic, regular life solution is the very affordable Ikea beauties I like below. Mmmm that  would be nice.

Finally the environment: I do love color. I have always loved color like you find in Mexico, Greece, India, and China. At one point I thought it would be amazing to have a room decorated with each feel in mind. I also thought it would be great to have color themed bedrooms like castles in England… ” you’ll be staying in the blue (or green, etc.) room, just down the hall, first door on the left”. I’m not sure I’d actually go that far, but it’s a nice idea. So, with that in mind, here are some color schemes I found that I like.

The first three images, I also love the open spaciousness and simplicity. I love that they look clean, and homey, but not filled with clutter. Just enough artwork to be  interesting, but not too much for the eyes to take in.

More themed color and great storage.

These last 3 I really love the colors, but they are a bit more busy and cluttered looking than I’d like.

So now, you have a good idea of what I’d love for my home to look like. I’m sure there’s more I could elaborate on, but this is definitely a good start, and spending the time looking for pics and writing about the results definitely got my mind in a better place. That much was a great success. Here’s to more up moments, and hopefully to a great birthday soon as well.

Merde…. Now what.

So our ideal house from our original search fell through. The landlord was too traumatized by previous renters’ damage to commit to renting. He backed out saying he was going to sell all of his houses.

So now we start over because our second choice was more expensive and not nearly as close to our desired room configuration.

I have no idea.

This week’s been interesting.

 I blew the drive belt on the car on Wednesday trying to go home. So, Thursday and Friday Nathan & I carpooled so I could make it to work and he could get the belt replaced. It wasn’t an expensive repair, but Nathan attempted it himself on Thursday thinking it’d be easy based on having done others before. After giving up, he had the car towed and belt replaced by a mechanic on Friday. More of an annoying inconvenience than anything.

So Friday night I sofa surfed to save what drive time I could.

Saturday I worked half a day and scurried off to performance. My dad made it down from Iowa to see the performance. It was nice to see him again. He left just a little while after the performance so he could make it home at a reasonable hour. At that point we had dinner and I went home and crashed; cuddling with kitties.

With such a crazy few days I ate poorly, and so my sleep Friday and Saturday was less spectacular than desired.

Today was a regular work Sunday, and the resident matinee movie was ELF. At this point I’m doing my best to stay awake and ignore the massive headache I have (since its probably food related I’ll just have to ride it out). Elf is sort of helping, humor always helps.

I have yet to figure out what is next, especially with the moving plan, so I’m literally just continuing “as normal”. Just doing what I’ve done for the last few months. At least in respect to physical daily activities.

At this point all of my mental effort is on mantras and other buoyancy efforts. Anything to distract myself from the likelihood  that our holidays will be yet again in a less than desirable environment. There will be no new beds, no decorations put up, no gifts, no running water, and I’ll still have to alternate between sofa surfing and long hours of driving. Not to mention still having nagging thoughts of the boy I miss so much, and I’m a wee bit concerned about finding solutions by the time I’m due to give birth. My heart is so set on having another wonderful experience like I did with Ian.

Maybe after the new year. I really would like to see improvement soon. Nathan has pointed out that despite all of the myriad challenges I’m having right now, I’m staying more buoyant than previous years, so perhaps things will begin to improve. I certainly hope so. I’ve been told several times of late that genuine hope can do wondrous things. I really do  that our lives in general and our future holidays improve.

For now I wish everyone else that you have the happy joyful holidays that you desire, this year and always.

Kickin’ Depression’s Butt

So today, someone viewed a post I wrote last August titled “Trying to Hide From My Fears”. I could only vaguely remember what I wrote, so I went back and read it again myself.

I was initially surprised that someone was interested in me enough to go back that far in my timeline to read a post. However, as I re-read it, I realized the real surprise was in the topic.

As far as the rebuild goes, we’re not currently in any better of a state of being.

However, my view on things has gotten much, much better since then. I’m seriously kicking some intense depression butt.

Despite many meltdowns before winter, and as winter progressed, we made it through safe and sound. We didn’t freeze, and we made it through mostly OK. There were a few moments where the wood-stove went out and I shivered through gritted teeth until there was warmth again. There were a few moments of “I hate living so far out a really low grade road”, but again few and far between and they passed with little fanfare.

Then I looked at how I perceive things to be going. I still feel like there are roadblocks in my way, but now I have a perception that there might be a reason that I’m not getting anywhere. Less angry/upset, and more confused/searching-for-answers. For instance, why can’t I seem to get an affordable shipping container delivered despite a half dozen dealers in KC and having talked to one of them face to face over a month ago. It’s suddenly seeming impossible to get a favorable response, and not for lack of trying. The guy I talked to in person I’ve also spoken to over the phone, left voicemail, and  emailed 3 times. One of the other dealers was out of the size I wanted at their KC lot and was going to charge nearly $900 extra to have one shipped from Gardner KS- no thanks, the point is to save money. 2 other dealers have yet to get me quotes, and the last one I have yet to call because I just looked them up today- I could remember seeing their lot, but it had not previously shown on my google search for dealers, so now I’ve got their number. However, considering that I’ve been working on this almost 2 weeks, I’d have thought there’d be better progress.

Is it possible that there is something else in the works that the Universe/Divine is attempting to get me to save the money for? If so, a good-clear-message as to what that is, would be nice. I’d gladly save the money to the best of my ability (assuming the van and car stay in good working order so that an oil change is the most expensive maintenance). Especially, if the plan K was even better than my shipping container (plan J- I made it well past plan B early last year!), I’d do that. I’d do just about anything that was better than my plans.

I simply want a decent-clean-home for my family with running water and laundry appliances, pest-free too, please. I can always make improvements over time and as I’ve said several other times, I will continue to aim for Atira community regardless of the more immediate outcomes.

In fact I perceive that I would be able to make better headway on Atira if I’m not devoting so much of my time, efforts, and resources to attempting to fix our more immediate needs.

That’s another area I’ve improved: instead of dwelling on the failures and what’s stuck, etc.; I’m spending most of my time thinking of the possibilities of the future, and how I could construct the shipping container to accommodate alternate bed arrangements when it graduates from our home to the first homeless shelter. Basically, my brain is busy with the challenge of maximizing space and storage opportunities without limiting furniture placement. It’s a somewhat fun activity, but definitely less stressful than depression brain.

I’ve also spent more time attempting to look up information on possibly applicable grants and other programs that might contribute to the financial side of the creation of Atira. Just because it is Mine and Nathan’s baby doesn’t mean that we are not willing to accept help. On the contrary, we’d take all of the help we could get as long as the basic concepts remain intact and the over arching idea is accomplished.

Now that being said I still have my moments.

I’ve gluten-ed myself several days in a row, causing my cheeks to flare with the red acne/psoriasis patch and causing mild vertigo from mild brain swelling (I’m going to write a funny gluten post soon). I had a couple of down days from Nate’s passing.  I think that is to be expected though when losing a friend 3 years older than I am. Definite grief and lots of perspective gleaned there. I’ve alslo had some triggers tripped.

Yet I’ve also worked to compensate for all of that to keep myself from falling too far back into the abyss. The stats on that August post have essentially pointed out how far I’ve come despite essentially standing still. It’s nearly night and day. That makes me feel good, that makes me feel better, that helps see my efforts really are paying off. I look forward to that continued improvement. I look forward to good things.

Now if I can just figure out what I’m supposed to do with June in case the shipping containers continue to be stymied.