Tag Archives: hopeful

Nonsequiter

Call it as such, a distraction, a forray, a useful tangent to discuss something different, something more enjoyable, something I can dream of.

My simple thought was that I wished polyamory was fully legal here. It is in Massachusetts now, but not here.

I’m not afraid of the commitment, and my desire is definitely fueled somewhat by financials, but it is so much more than that.

See, at this point the masculine paradigm has shifted enough that there is no longer the weighted benefit of being head of household. I know that because I file as head of household, and it rarely nets me enough to really care. My spouse didn’t come with a dowry, there was no massive parental input into the wedding on either side, and my spouse gets no great benefits from anywhere. I literally have an insignificant benefit playing what is traditionally considered the man’s role, as a woman. Still, I know that the paradigm slowly shifted enough that head of household is genderless. It wouldn’t matter if I was a man or woman, I would still have minimal financial benefit from being head of the household.

Compared to centuries past where men were gifted sums of money by wealthy in-laws or straight up given dowrys. Even more recently there were times where men would use the power to control spousal finances, especially when banks required a male consigner on any bank account. My mom always complained that she had to hide money from dad to even buy Christmas gifts and things her or us kids needed. That is wrong and society acknowledged that problem enough decades ago that it would be difficult to accomplish in this day and age (nothing is impossible with enough motivation and resources). So now, the only real benefit you get is on taxes, and nowadays that only really means anything if you have kids. The point is if I was relying on financial benefit to marriage I fell for the old paradigm when it no longer existed.

But I know I didn’t fall for it to begin with.

I wanted love enough that I took a risk marrying an older divorcee of another race, despite both of my parents arguing with me to try and change my mind. Mom was against the age and being a divorcee with a daughter. Dad was against his race. Mom was the most correct at nailing down the hazards, because half of our financial problems linked back to his marriage and child support, the other half linked to the health concerns from a broken heart.

My source of love has cost me quite dearly, because even if I wanted to go back to school my only hope would be to test high enough for a free ride to grad school, no easy feat. I am unable to obtain student loans due to my two current ones still being in a decade of default, combined with already being leveraged to the hilt with home and vehicle- the result of being head of household. My only hope would be full scholarship on merits.

So, I took the risk and ate it. It has tied my hands in many ways, but I still have my loving husband as long as he shall live. I am still 100% grateful for his love and our years together. Tough as they were, I still have hope for better to come.

And that is where I would love poly to join us. Many days will improve with more hands, more finances to share, new ideas, and more perspectives to consider, new things to try. Beyond all of that though, more hearts equals more love; if I managed to survive everything else to experience that love twice over with much less difficulties, then I say it’s worth it. That’s why I wish poly was legal.

At this point I do still love my husband despite everything, and walking away would break my heart and cost me even more because I would become the one with the child support bill. I simply refuse to do that to myself.

Yet I still want the twice-love and less-responsibility dream of a poly family. Finding a significant other when you are already so committed to someone, is a challenge because the divine masculine still hasn’t relinquished the idea of the old paradigm. They still want the power and financial draw that is promised by the old paradigm of marriage. It’s supposed to be the reason for the ceremony and legal paperwork, the security behind the commitment. I don’t enjoy bursting bubbles over and over again, and I don’t enjoy the ripple when someone’s expectations are shattered. It has turnicated one too many attempts for me, and I don’t think I can muster another try.

But I still have hope. I still desire the loving committed supportive relationship of another. And that is why I wish poly was legal here. I could fulfill that pretense of the old paradigm of marriage committment, and still get my twice-love and less-responsibility of the poly paradigm. Plus I genuinely do wish for all the reasons anyone wants a new relationship, especially one as strong to hope it last many years. You know, the love, the new relationship energy, the going and doing fun things, the exploring of another person’s mind, personality and body, the kisses and hugs, and everything that a new relationship entails. It’s all very daydreamy for me and it’s definitely a good nonsequiter from my current reality.

So yes, I’ve pondered the shift that being able to fully commit to another partner would entail. I would love to have dates without the fear of shattering another person’s hopes, desires, or expectations. I would love to just be able able to be me and still look forward to getting to know someone new. I can daydream right?!

I love my husband and he will be my loving caring supportive companion as long as he lives. It’d be awefully nice to have better days too. So I daydream for now and leave the rest up to the divine.

May you have pleasant distractions when you need them. May your daydreams matter and help make the world a better place. May you have all the love you seek, and the fun and enjoyment too. May you enjoy your life mostly and make the best of what you do have. May we all see improvement continue in all ways. Finally, may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

I deserve better.

I have been doing my best in many ways, but lately I am intent on clinging to the positives. Because of that, and my mountain of paperwork and projects, I haven’t been writing much. It seems I need to address a few things though.

First, I wrote this poem on my other site last night, and wanted to share it here for those interested.

Beyond that, I am doing my best to heal. I acknowledge that I have strong awareness of energetic components of our experience here on Earth, and lately it seems that Cvid aftermath and Energetics are making it very difficult to reach for my own healing. Regardless, I have been doing my best as usual.

To that end I have debated writing at all lately. I deserve better and I know the best way to accomplish that is to stay focused on the positives as much as humanly possible. For myself that has been many hours of focusing on my desires, goals, and preferences. Pretty much any time I’m not talking to someone or invested in paperwork, my mind stays busy focusing on things like in my poem.

However, you can’t focus on the positives, if there are things needing solved right now, then what? If something is broken you must know how to fix it, to be able to work on and focus on such solutions. At the moment that is my biggest peeve with “medicine”. Everyone is pretending the damned vaccine is our saviour and perfect and pressuring those not getting it, and I call bullshit for many reasons.

  • Vaccines have never been infallible, depending on which vaccine is referenced they can have anywhere from a 1 to 3 % risk rate which is anything from mild reactions to death.
  • This vaccine was processed in a tiny fraction of the time of normal vaccines and we really have no true idea of it’s effects yet, any more so than the disease itself.
  • I question why, but also why they are giving it away free. We have been well trained in american society that nothing is truly free, there is always a catch. If they were giving away Tesselas to everyone, you’d stop and ask why/how? If they were suddenly giving away zyrtec, or advil you’d ask why. If they were suddenly giving away any prescription, especially an expensive one like Tribenzor or a highly regulated one like Hydrocodone, you’d know something was up. So why aren’t we having that response here.
  • Additionally, this vaccine has been given a 30min reaction window. If your reactions are not reported within that 30 minutes or before you leave, then they are denying responsibility. Tell me how many drugs of any kind are held to that standard. Even simple cortisone injections have a reaction window much greater than that. And vaccines are exempt from standard lawsuits, we have vaccine court for them- good luck with that process if you do have a reaction.
  • Vaccines only truly benefit a person that has not been exposed to the disease it is used for. We’ve known that for decades, in regards to all vaccines. If you’ve already had the strain that a vaccine is made for, then having caught the disease and survived gets you as much immunity as is possible to begin with. There is no justification for vaccinating someone that has had a confirmed case of the same strain.
  • If a disease mutates both the vaccinated and previously ill individuals are equally at risk of catching the new strain. That has already been addressed repeatedly with Covid already showing new mutations. Last I checked they had suggested as many as 5 new mutations.
  • Plus, the European countries that are ceasing vaccination are doing so for very good reasons. They are noting damage from them that is as bad or worse than Covid itself. The vaccines vs catching Covid, is literally a coin toss as far as risk goes.

That’s just my bullshit detector going off over the vaccine. But I also noted “Medicine”, why?

  • There is no true 100% solution for any chronic disease.
  • Our best efforts have produced pill cocktails that keep viral levels to a minimum and address symptoms of the chronic disease. How does that actually heal anyone?
  • In fact the only diseases we truly heal are bacterial infections, and even some of those we are hitting barriers to full healing (MRSA is an excellent example).
  • 100+ years of study into viruses and the best solution we have is to keep churning out vaccine after vaccine, only protecting those that haven’t already been infected (children), and only for those which vaccines have been developed (that’s why EBV is still a major concern after 80+ years).
  • Yet all these vaccines piled on top of each other, full of toxic chemicals and low conductivity metals, is doing a host of damage to bodily organs and the human brain. In this awareness, more is not necessarily better. More toxicity only leads to other diseases. (Aluminum toxicity is strongly linked to Alzheimer’s, yet it is used in nearly every vaccine currently made.)
  • Autoimmune diseases are climbing as fast as autism, and I personally don’t care if it is the chronic diseases or the vaccines that are causing it. Either way you look at the picture it is obvious we are not solving anything, and in a matter of time millions will be dieing because their bodies ate themselves.
  • Did I mention there is still no solution to having caught a virus that caused damage to your body. Even under the assumption that you completely kicked the virus, once the damage is done you’re better off having a chat with God than your doctor.
  • Western medicine is good at removing damaged organs, doing a transplant if available/necessary. Western medicine is good at fixing broken bones. Anything else they offer is one variation or another of symptom management: pills, dialysis, bariatric oxygenation, pacemaker, etc. They rarely aim at solving the original cause. Even in cancer they treat the tumor(s) and rarely ask why was the tumor there (the one exception is if they can determine a genetic link).

So then why am I on this tangent?

I’ve come across at least 2 known and a third suspected vaccine liar. Those who are against it for similar reasons as me, but are tired of the pressure and lying about having gotten the vaccine. Lying about that shit is never going to solve the problem. If we continue to fail to address the problem as a society, then we will just keep getting more of the same. This has been proven over and over again with BLM, Me Too, racism, sexism, police brutality, LGBTQ concerns and many other issues. If you don’t stand up an call out the wrongness, then you will never see a solution manifest. You can’t solve a problem that doesn’t exist.

Additionally, I have had very upsetting information brought to my attention.

Essentially, the symptoms that Nathan, our kids, and I have had since our mystery virus (aka Cvid) infection; have presented in coworkers.

Nathan’s symptoms were enough that I sent him to the doc and eventually he received his kidney disease diagnosis.

One of the coworkers’ symptoms eventually led to an oblation of her heart, and she was my age (under 40).

Another coworker has been to the doc repeatedly and they are stumped as to what is really happening to her and have put her on BP meds and prilosec to address the only symptoms they have registered with equipment.

So what are these symptoms?

  • Swelling of the legs and/or feet, for me and coworkers it was one sided and mild like women in pregnancy experience, but does fluctuate. For Nathan both legs were really bad and constant.
  • Nausea, intense and intermittent. Makes me want to vomit.
  • Loss of appetite.
  • Intense anxiety or panic attacks. For me this has been like when I have a high thyroid swing, but last blood-work actually showed my thyroid levels being significantly low, too low for a high swing.
  • Feeling like you’re breathing fire, breath hot enough to irritate your face when wearing a mask, but not registering a fever/temperature.
  • Stomach pains, diarrhea, and other digestive upsets even when not eating things known to cause such problems.
  • Headaches and migraines when previously they were rare.
  • Dizziness/vertigo. Two of my clients, one a known long-hauler, and myself have all had significantly worse issues with this. Neck locks up, so dizzy that it affects balance and walking. This used to only happen once every few years and at the beginning of both pregnancies, but now I’m having issues with it at least one out twice a month. My 2 clients it’s become nearly constant.
  • Mental disturbances. My son will be up doing things and not remember where he is at, or what he is doing. I have moments of depression which I can’t fight off like usual. I also have what I call intrusive thoughts- I’m on one topic and suddenly my brain feels the need to interject an extreme negative not always linked to my original thoughts. Nathan has been fighting depression since before the kidney diagnosis, but it’s gotten worse with that news. He is also having what I’m calling short circuit moments, his brain literally misfires and says the wrong words or he doesn’t understand what is being said to him. (Apparently it is a symptom of kidney issues, but overlaps enough with the rest of us I thought I better include it.)
  • Fatigue, often extreme. All of us have noted moments where we have to force ourselves to keep going. When it hits while I’m working out I feel like my legs suddenly weigh a thousand pounds and I can’t catch my breath. I literally have to coax myself through my exercise to be able to finish. Nathan has had moments so intense he falls asleep almost like narcolepsy, and that’s never been a thing for him before. My kids will just say they’re really droopy or groggy but stay fairly functional, occasionally acting like it’s bedtime, but in the middle of the day.
  • Racing heart. It comes and goes. Both of my coworkers had it tested. The one that ended up having an oblation had to have a subdermal monitor implanted to catch the tachycardic moments because the external monitor wasn’t catching them. It feels like your heart is going to explode out of your chest and aches all around your breast bone. I’ve taken my blood pressure every time I feel it, but the cuff never registers any irregularity and my BP is always normal.
  • Body aches. Ever since acknowledging certain food allergies, I’ve had body aches with exposure to them. Now, I fight them nearly constantly and long work days make it nearly intolerable. The worst is always my right upper back, probably because my work also triggers that area, but for nearly two weeks it’s been burning regularly even with maintenance self-care and massage and Acupuncture. It’s really getting old, and I’ve had to resort to advil way more than I am comfortable with. I’ve also have numerous clients specify the same area of chronic severe discomfort with the adage that it never used to be as bad.

It seems to me that for those in my awareness, Covid went after every weak spot imaginable. Yet we have no solution for those that already had the disease and experienced damage as a result. Half of us never even got tested because testing wasn’t available, and by the time it was we were informed it wouldn’t be reliable even for the antibody test (which for me fell under waste of money and wasn’t done). So yeah, my bullshit detector has been ringing like crazy and I want solutions.

Pretending that fewer people had it just because you didn’t test is ludicrous. You are literally ignoring a major portion of the population. Then all the BS already mentioned about vaccines, I say something smells majorly fishy. If medicine actually cared about people living full healthy lives this shit would change. If there isn’t a major change and access to actual healing solutions soon, you are very likely going to see hospitals start filling with long-haulers experiencing organ failures like Nathan.

I supect that there are many people that are slow burn. Those that didn’t feel sick when they tested positive. For all we know Covid went straight to their weak spots and it may be something that doesn’t have very visible symptoms, or maybe their weak spots were originally healthier than other people. Either way, long term you are likely to start seeing those people complain of problems they never had before. Hopefully western medicine’s greed and desire to treat just symptoms doesn’t cause this mess to get worse and create too much for them to handle.

Those of wanting real solutions have been nagging for quite some time now, and I will have no sympathy if they suddenly don’t have enough equipment to treat everyone’s long-term effects. I’ve been asking the establishment to change for several years now, and I know I am not alone.

So what do I want? I want the solution. What does that look like?

  • Healing.
  • Access to tools that really boost both immune function and body self-repair. IV treatments already exist that do both, but they are currently not covered by insurance and so far too infrequently administered to help the population as a whole. The are inaccessible and unaffordable.
  • Affordability and accessibility to those tools and cannabis products, the like of which have healed seizures disorders. That strength and purity is still out of reach for most people even with medicinal cannabis approval quickly spreading the country and world.
  • Doctors actually joining forces to set the system straight. Standing together to right the injustices and fix the brokenness. That requires them caring about people more than dollars again. That requires the whole system caring about people more than dollars.
  • Treating people with the goal of solving the root cause, even if it is complicated to figure out the root cause.
  • Treating people as individuals that are valuable to this world (not just sheep to herd). We treat our cows for mcdonald’s burgers better than we do our own population right now.
  • Doing what is right even if it goes against instructions from upper management. If you know X treatment is safer, more effective, and more likely to help/solve said problem, don’t let them sideline it because it produces less revenue. Stand for what is right and good in this world.

If all of this is so damn impossible, then maybe the whole damn system needs to crumble. If it can’t be fixed, then none of us should trust them. If it can’t be fixed and solutions found then there is no reason to sustain or support them. There is no reason to trust anyone bent on predicating a system set on just perpetuating costly bandages. Save your money and live life as best as you can without them.

That’s a lot, and yes I’m frustrated and angry. I shouldn’t be the only one voicing these concerns. And maybe I’m not, and the great AI funded by our 1%’s is doing a great job at silencing us all. Maybe someone needs to point out to those in control that if they kill us all off, they will have their giant pile of money and an empty world that doesn’t care they are rich. All the fun in being the one on top is lost when there isn’t anyone left under you. If your herd all dies then you have no-one to control and no-one to profit from. Just saying.

May you know your life matters. May you find a way to healing even when the system is against it. May you know you are on the right path and doing your best to help God and our world. May you see your own value and in doing so enable your own healing. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Spiritual peekaboo.

It seems I’m having difficulty trusting myself.

It’s not that I don’t ever, but it fluctuates, and with interpersonal relationship hiccups it seems I’m floating in the distrust spectrum. Working on that, but definitely hesitant because of my failures in recent history.

Yet today one of my residents with MS, whom has a very plain-Jane super common American name, told me that her middle name was Reghandi (I’m spelling that based on the sound and my vocabulary awareness). I suspected it was another instance of a resident picking up on a message for me, so I asked staff what her middle name really was. The only problem is that none of them knew her real middle name, or at least that they would relinquish to me. So now I’m not sure.

All I do know is that the last 5 years I thought I was getting better at translating energetic information. Yet nearly every time I say something to someone about what I’m getting, I’m essentially told that I’m completely wrong. For a while I only said things if I was feeling very certain and like I was getting pushed into saying something. Now I can’t even bring myself to do that.

The last few times stung too badly, and I’m gun-shy.

I tell myself that they are either in denial, or that I freaked them out, or that I was scary accurate about something they’d rather hide. It helps to not completely hate on myself, but the doubt is there nonetheless.

So now with things like my lady’s random off the wall comment about her middle name, I’m not sure whether it means anything for real or not.

I now feel like my intuition is a bunch of B-S and I spend all day apologizing to myself and trying to ignore all of my twinges. I have very much withdrawn in a lot of ways, and it’s starting to affect my mood. Of course, not having taken any significant time for me in the last 2 months isn’t helping either. Merh, what can you do?

Finally, I have completely given up on relationships for now. I’ve decided that my heart already gives love to so many people, who could care less, that I’d rather not add any more to that. There’s options for me to do so, but I’m coming to terms with loving things/people that I can’t seem to align with, despite my best efforts. I’d rather just have the ones that are already in my heart, so I’m doing my best to figure out how to release the faulty programming/beliefs that led to this connundrum to begin with. Maybe I can fix the alignment issue and not have to start over. I just don’t know, doubts cloud that as well.

May you all trust your intuition even when you’re told otherwise. May you know what’s good for you and understand energetic input. May you know what to say and how to act with all of it. May you find the alignment you seek. May you feel accepted as yourself. May you feel the love in regards to both yourself and others. May you feel supported.

Siva Hir Su