Tag Archives: hopes

My Polyamory

I have intentionally not written much on this topic because about a year ago I went and posted a bunch of links and good info from other sites. There are so many aspects to look at and perspectives to consider that it is all just too much for me to even attempt.

However, Nathan suggested that I write at least once on my experiences and opinions on the matter. So, I’m taking his advice.

First and foremost Polyamory is many loves, a plural relationship based in a foundation of love.

From the view of a successful balanced poly family, I’ve not had much luck, at least in maintaining such a plural commitment. However, I have had lots of fine tuning and reevaluating, which Abraham says is always a good thing. I’m going to agree.

Nathan and I used to be, what gets labeled “Unicorn Hunters” by more forceful poly opinions. We were ‘significant-others’ seeking a single bisexual female to balance my bisexuality. After several failed attempts to find our good fit, we relaxed into accepting that our perfect woman might come attached to another person. It might also happen that we find several people to meet both mine and Nathan’s needs and desires.

Our hesitation with accepting the concept of multiples, initially was brought on mainly by fearful thoughts of: how do you get multiple adults on the same page and keep them in agreement and in cooperation. Especially regarding children in the family, rules of behavior, setting expectations, and even logistics of cleaning and cooking. However, at this point in our marriage we have come to the conclusion that those are challenges any relationship faces regardless if there are 2 or 12 people. We also now have lots of experience dealing with each other and multiple attempts at significant-other additions. We’ve also come to conclusions that some things are easier if approached like companies handle staffing: creating schedules and assignments of tasks, which can always be adjusted and changed as needed.

So at this point we’re much more open to alternate options and arrangements for our family structure, and have a better grasp of the interpersonal needs that entails. Our main goal now is that a variety of needs and desires are met, and that all adults act like adults and remain considerate of the family as a whole when making significant decisions. If those decisions are likely to impact the family in a huge way (move, replace belongings, or decisions regarding educational or medical concerns) then the family should be consulted with a proposal before final decisions are made.

Informed consent is a mainstay of poly whether it’s in regards to sex, reproduction, or any familial life event. Furthermore, informed consent requires a certain level of communication skills. You may have a great idea, but if you can’t make your case well to those involved it’s likely to fall flat.

So those elements have become our biggest priorities.

Beyond that, previous relationships ended due to factors involving but not limited to: personality clashes, instability due to processing previous traumas, and a lack of commitment by one or multiple parties. So we have simplified our request to the Divine that: future partners have their own stuff figured out at least well enough to cause only more minor bumps, previous severe traumas have been healed likewise, and that all parties be willing to commit enough to work through remaining glitches. All relationships have bumps, bruises, and fights, but it’s the severity and willingness to work through them that enable the relationship to last. Everyone coming together to learn and grow and heal, leads to happy long lasting family.

Acceptance of our humanness, and unconditional love allows for infinite growth. To me that means that I might get mad or frustrated with someone, but as long as I can refocus and remember we’re all human and that I do love them, then I can work through the upset to find a solution. That is the place of understanding that I aim for everyone in my family to hold.

There are also factors like honesty, openness, truthfulness, cooperative attitudes, and open mindedness which would be very important.

Finally, I wish to add compromise. A mainstay of finding solutions is learning how to compromise. There is almost always an answer that everyone can live with. It may not be perfect in everyone’s opinion, but gets the job done. Finding those compromises is paramount to maintaining family cohesion, and adults wishing to be in my family need to demonstrate an ability to compromise.

In conclusion, my ideal of Polyamory has evolved over the last 15 years to be less about the fine details and more about overarching qualities that I wish for people to exhibit.

Not to be too cliche, but can’t we all just get along, and all you need is love, would be the more concise mentality.

May you all find your family based in love and acceptance, but which committedly works through compromise to ensure everyone just gets along.

With love, be well. Siva Hir Su.

Lost in the Game…

That was the most suitable title I could come up with for this post. My week has been a bumper car, jumbled roller coaster, kind of week.

For starters, today marks my 19th straight day of work. I have 8 more days of work to go, finally getting the 6th of February off.  That will mark 27 straight days of work. I haven’t touched my taxes, I need to invoice for this month, and all I want to do is sleep. I’ve mostly hung in though, just going along for the ride.

My few moments that didn’t go so well included: 

1) Battlingsins“: Christians usually want  to condemn polyamory as being sinful because it breaks the implied monogamy rule resulting from the one comandmemt discussed repeatedly in the Bible about adultery, (Genesis, Proverbs, and 23 other locations I’m aware of). However, it should be noted that adultery is an extramarital affair involving lies and deceit, where one person makes all the decisions, often hurting another (usually a husband cheating causing hurt for his wife), and thus taking on sin. My personal belief is its the lieing deceit and resulting hurt that is the cause of the sin.

Polyamory, however, is based upon openness, honesty, and full disclosure to everyone. Families practicing polyamory not only go out of their way to avoid hurts, but when mistakes happen (as us humans always do), the family communicates and does their best to make amends for errors. Forgiveness, communication, and love are vital in maintaining a poly family.

So, then after having that pointed discussion with myself, ending with how can anything based upon love (lots of overwhelming love) be considered sin; I find myself standing in a resident room trying to give a shoulder massage while I was not only shocked and horrified, but my baby was too.

 The resident had one of those crime shows on, a new one, and they were searching for someone that was abducting people. The last person abducted was a pregnant lady ready to give birth, and the cops figure out the criminal was stealing a family, at which point the show flashed to one woman standing over a pregnant woman with a knife, starting to cut the baby out of her belly.

I reacted to the horror with a gasp, the baby reacted violently, kicking me so hard I nearly doubled over in pain. I excused myself immediately and spent the rest of the day apologizing to the baby for having seen that. I kept wishing I could erase the memory that kept playing in my brain, and started repeating “we are safe, god is protecting us, and it was just someone else’s fucked up idea of entertainment”. I couldn’t understand how anyone could find something that gruesome and horrifying to be entertaining. To me that was far more sinful than wanting to love people as family.

 Later that evening after ranting at Nathan about it, he gave me a massage with lots of Reiki which took the bulk of the trauma out of the experience and soothed me and baby into genuinely feeling safe again.

2) Co-worker noncompliance: after many long days of working, I started to hit my wall of tired yesterday. I was pushing through, but every time I saw the aids they were standing around yapping. I was exhausted, but still moving, still doing my job. They weren’t. It really pissed me off, and I ended up venting to 2 other co-workers; one is the lady I have know for years, and she is the building assistant manager. I’m hoping that my infrequent ventings like that are my saving grace and that it isn’t held against me.

3) Unrequited love: still being hung up on the boy has been a reoccurring theme, but the last reason for my not so stellar moments. I spent Wednesday morning crying over him, which my son picked up on and it fueled his argumentativeness with his sister. I argued back and yelled some, then cried some more. I’ve neglected others in my sadness, and spent way too much time in my head. I want to let go, but I’m struggling to do so. My only reprieves are sleep, mantras/spiritual-music, and art. Those are the moments I manage to quiet my mind and release my woes. I then give thanks and conceed that I’m trusting the divine to know what’s best and to work out the details. One such moment was answered by 472ELA which my brain read as “for god to know how” (7 representing divine especially 7 being Shiva in hebrew, and Ela being Telugu for how). I said a quick thank you for the message and just sent a request for more understanding. I simply wish to know why I fell in love with a wonderful someone from half way around the world, who BTW found me, and then to have it just stop and go nowhere. There has to be a reason, and I just can’t figure it out. One day maybe. For now my quest to let go and move on continues.

My days haven’t all been tough though. 

Loves from my husband and kids. 

Acknowledgement of love for my friend and her boys, that if I ever find a good solution they are welcome in my family and home, and I’m already doing my best to be supportive of her current challenges as well.  Sometimes I just wish there were more of me to go around, that or more time.

I’ve had several commutes filled with glorious sunshine this week and I relished every moment of them. 

And financially we’re hanging in. No worse than before, and I’ve managed to cling to enough money to eventually get moved and buy beds. I’ve spent lots of time thinking about how nice it’ll be to have real beds, running water, and a well insulated home again.

With that in mind, our home search is still miserable. Everything is either too expensive for me to consistantly afford, or they are dives that once would have been called slum housing, and even those are expensive for what I’m used to. We looked at a 3 bedroom 2 bath house that was $900 a month plus utilities: there was black mold, broken fencing, really really crappy cheap linoleum in the kitchen that would have torn easily (which I’m sure would have been billed to tennant to replace), ceiling patched with cardboard, and a broken floor air return vent. It was simply no good for the money they were asking. I can’t do that to my family again, so we keep looking, expanding our desired radius from my work each time. 

I just don’t know what to do on that one, but my dear friend has offered her home as a backup for baby birth. I explained not being able to leave for 10 days to avoid the vitamin K injection and she’s totally cool with it, even working out how to get us private bedroom space for that time period. I’m so very appreciative of her, and glad that we have her in our lives. I hope that I can repay her kindness, and keep wishing I could build my giant dome in Colorado for them to have their own rooms. Maybe it’s on its way.

For now:

 I keep trucking, wishing I’d either hear from the boy or have that final hurtful go-away-conversation that would really, really suck, but would force me to give up. Yet I lean toward clinging to hope. Hope that finances will improve, hope that at the same time I’ll have fewer hours to work, hope that a dome home is becoming increasingly possible, hope that my miracle is inbound, and hope that my dreams might possibly become real, hope that I will have a big loving family of/by choice where everyone wants to be there and things just work well together.

Doing my best to focus on and visualize that as much as possible. It hasn’t drowned out all the sadness and woes, but it has helped keep me from sinking in the quick sand of life.

May all of you find your life preservers of thought.

Must keep dreaming!

Since I have nothing positive to say about my current reality, I’m going to ostrich. Or is it put my head in the clouds? Either way, I’m sure as heck doing everything I can to pretend reality doesn’t exist for as long as it takes to write this. Maybe a while longer.

My grand dreams, even though they still seem so far out of reach, I know they are worthwhile.

I dream of a big spacious dome home, indestructible and energy efficient, safe and comfortable for my big chosen extended family. Next to a dome greenhouse big enough to feed us year round, and even have some leftover to share with those that need it.

That big family, I’ve been unable to stop contemplating since the boy and the possibility of his wife entered my awareness nearly 2 years ago. It doesn’t help that the universe is feeding those thoughts with thousands of references to him and related things, which I know mean something, just not what.

For instance this picture:

I encountered this at one of the Sprouts stores we frequent. The elephants were a broken incence holder, I’m assuming an employee arranged them with the other elements, but I never did ask. I only knew it was synchronicity which I knew meant something for me. The panda, I associate with Anya. The dragon, I associate with my fire baby Ian. That’s 2 of 4 little objects, plus 5 larger elephants. I can’t help but turn that into 5 adults and 4 children, it’s just what my brain wants to do, and I have to be honest, it’s a very happy making thought for me.

Where I get lost in “what if’s” is in the vagueness. I see 2 amorphous kids (the pebbles) and knowing now that I’m pregnant with just one, I’m wondering where the other is. I then think there are 5 elephants while the 2 are still pebbles. Where are the other 3 adults that show up before my current baby is no longer amorphous? The only ones I would accept as family that quickly, seem to have made it clear to me it’s not really a possibility. But that takes a step back in reality. So I’ll dream that things suddenly  change and those I love are suddenly not just available, but willing to take a polyamorous leap with me and Nathan. Maybe that’s what the green reversie card means.

I would love to have that family: 5 adults, 4 kids, in a big comfy dome home, each with their own room. It’d be even more wonderful to have that dome home in Colorado or Oregon or Washington- near mountains, and with enough resources to start building Atira. Now that’s a happy dream.

I dream of lots of things that make me happy. Equality, acceptance, love, peace, and most of all happiness. They are all ideals, but ones I’d  love to see physically manifested in my life. Yet, the key to that is healing my brain. Also another wonderful  dream, and one that actually is in reach. I’m getting there, just not there yet, and I’ve got no idea how much  longer it’ll take. One day maybe soon. It’s nice to think that my brain will work right all the time and I’ll really find happiness.

Circling around to family in domes building Atira; I think how wonderful it would be to have kids learning and growing in nature, yet with the resources to acknowledge it’s a comfortable choice. Reminding them it’s not forced out of necessity, that they could do anything else they wanted. A perfect blending of modern comforts and natural world relaxation. That would be nice too.

I want my kids to know they could have anything, but learn to say I don’t need it.  I think it’s the lesson I’ve been chasing all my life, because I was raised to believe everything I really wanted was just out of reach. Perhaps I’ll really learn it when I’ve healed my brain.

I want my kids to play, and have fun, and still learn the basics for getting through life. Something that’s completely attainable with enough loving attention. 

Beyond that there are thousands of tiny dreams. Like, hopefully having a pond with a canoe and paddle boat,  wanting a small playground/swing-set like many families do. Wanting a hot-tub and nice pool ( although as I’ve said before I know the pool is a pure luxury and fairly low on my list). It’d be nice to have a couple of riding horses (I know Anya would love it). I’d  love to have bunks in the kid’s rooms so they can have friends over regularly. I do want my kids, and family in general to be technologically literate so more than one good computer would be helpful.

 Oh, there so many more, but those seem like the important ones. I have ideas about furniture and storage/organizational space, my ideal kitchen (which other than needing to accommodate lots of people, is otherwise fairly normal), things I’d like to have for ambiance and relaxation, and ideals for cleanliness and upkeep.

The trick here though is convincing myself that these are tangible possibilities, and not just the proverbial wet-dream. I really hope all the visions I’ve had, all the clues I see, are real. That the divine really is doing its best to help me heal and find my way to these dreams. I hesitate in believing not because of a lack of faith, I’ve experienced enough to know, I’ve felt the divine in action. No, I hesitate out of a fear that my brain is now playing different tricks on me, and it’s all false, and eventually I’ll realize all of that, and feel hurt again. My fear is the reason my faith falters, but knowledge is power.

 So now, when I realize I’m feeling that fear, I tell myself the inner truths I do know & believe. My hope is that it is enough for now, that it will get me through and over this hump. That perhaps it’ll help push my cart  over the hill and toward much, much better days. Sending love to those I miss, and hoping for brighter days.

Joyous Hana-kwanza-chrisma-yule-ness

It’s the holiday season. Joyful happy wishes abound. Hallmark channel will sure help lift the mood. That or a thousand classic holiday movies.

We’ve had a tiny Charlie-Brown-Esque celebration this morning, for us technically a belated Yule celebration being I worked the last several days. It’s followed by a trip to friends for the misfits Christmas party this evening.

I’ve had a mild head-cold all week, and I’m just run down from working too much, but I’m doing my best to stay buoyant. Sleeping in with cute kitties was a bonus.

( I’d show pics of the rest of our celebration, but Nathan and Anya did all the photo taking so I’ll get those later on.)

My day off started at about 7pm last night. Despite very much looking forward to my time off and being in generally good spirits, the boy has weighed heavily on my mind. 

I felt him all day yesterday and though it was nice to feel him, especially in my heart being afire, I couldn’t help but wish I’d hear from him or even see him. It’s very confusing to feel him like that periodically, but not have anything else. He’s only ever validated the connection once and though I know that should be enough I can’t help but wonder why he didn’t talk about it, and why he’s quit communicating all together. My natural inclination is to blame myself, but I constantly work at reminding myself it is much more complex than that. I’ve resigned myself to loving him as I can, and knowing that some day, maybe after I die, I’ll understand fully.

So I pushed him out of my mind and slept mostly well, save for a scary dream about Nathan and health stuff. He’s actually doing OK, as far as current doctors are concerned. He’s working on the low kidney function, brought his sugars back down, and his blood pressure is getting there. He’s even finally got the black lines diagnosed. Apparently, if it had been the scary melanoma there would have been other symptoms with the line. The doctor was sure it was a fungus that produces a similar line and has started an anti fungal treatment with caution to watch for the other symptoms of the melanoma or the lines failing to dissipate. So essentially Nathan is, as far as we know, getting better.

That is a blessing. Our tiny celebration is a blessing. I had a good laugh over the kittens finding great fun in new cat toys and some catnip this morning. We’ve even been told of some possible houses that are coming open soon. So things are generally OK to hopeful.

Amidst laughing over kitties and having sweets with kids, I suddenly felt funny like I was going to pass out. Nathan immediately took my blood pressure and discovered I was very low. Kind of a good thing, but I need to keep it from being so low that I actually pass out. So the last few hours I’ve been downing liquids with electrolytes added and attempting to get my salt intake up, and I took a couple of extra iron supplements just in case. Also a blessing. Low is better than high in pregnancy and much easier to control. A couple of days of diligent liquid and iron intake and I should be fine.

And baby didn’t seem to mind she/he kicked several times during and has been very active  since. I’m sure baby is enjoying the electrolyte boost as much as I am. I’m grateful that I’m feeling baby more and more these days. It makes the efforts worth it. I finally am starting to actually feel pregnant, now that my belly is unmistakably showing it!

I hope everyone reading can find their blessings and happy moments and feel improvement on its way. May the spirit of the holidays bring you peace, joy, and hope. Be well and many blessings.

The cat is out of the bag.

Today we treated Anya to her favorite restaurant. A surprise, and one that we enjoyed because it bothers her so much to be surprised. We knew this was to try and make telling her the news a good feeling event.

We teased and poked a little fun. Then we invented a story. We told her I was pregnant. Right as she was about to cry- tears, not of happiness, we confessed that it was another tease. No baby on the way for her to have to help with, at least yet!

Then we told her the real news.

Essentially, I was giving her a heads up on the man that I feel is important in my/our lives. I told her what I knew about him- the facts. That he’s kind and compassionate. That he’s getting married soon, but that I know very little about his betrothed. I told her that he knows all about her, and Nathan interjected that he really knows more about all of us than we really know about him. I told her we’d been talking off and on for a year and a half. I told her that if things progress that it could be really good for our little family. I told her his work, his goals, some of his ideas.

Then I told her about how I’d told him of some of our goals and ideas and how they aligned. I told her how I felt really really good about him and hoped it would eventually progress to more. I told her that I hoped I would get to know more about his fiancee/ soon to be wife.

I explained how all of these feelings were really based on things I had seen in meditation and flashes of insight in my head. How it is all intuition, that I can’t prove any of it right now. I described all of the things I’d seen and felt and reminded her of past events like that (her mom dying, Ian’s birth, etc.) that ended up coming true. [I’m going to write on what that is like later in the week.]

Out of all of that, she seemed to care little about a potential other significant other, she was concerned most when I mentioned that we might potentially move again. She went straight to fear, worried that we would move too far from her friends. I was quick to point out what she had just done. Chiding her for not watching any of the law of attraction videos I’d sent to her. Also chiding her over the fear itself, pointing out that she regularly visits Nebraska for extended periods, and mostly to visit her friends. That despite her mom being dead 4 years now, she still has those friends in Nebraska. I also had to point out that it won’t be long until both she and her friends are of driving age and possibilities become even more vast at that point.

I essentially pointed out that she should work more on seeing the good possibilities, because that is what I’ve been working on, and it is slowly taking hold and opening doors for me. I can see the benefit and I hope she does too.

So now, the cat is out of the bag, she knows that I’m very, very interested in someone and hoping that they’ll be a significant other soon. My hope of all of this is that she’ll take the encouragement and start exploring all of the good possibilities that could come of that and really many other things in our life. I look forward to my family growing together, that we all find upliftment and change our lives as a whole family for the better. That’s true progress regardless of what happens externally.

Anomaly and contemplation of locations

Yesterday evening’s trip to the ER is definitely some kind of fluke anomaly.  I had an adjustment this morning,  and with the exception of a lingering headache,  I’ve been completely normal all day. So, I have no idea the exact cause of the anomaly,  but I’m glad I’m healthy and I now know that for certain.

Since today is going as well as the last several have,  I thought I’d write a little about my thoughts on the location of Atira. 

It’s been on my mind a lot lately,  one of many aspects of Atira I’ve been considering  as I gain positive thought momentum. Essentially, I’ve been taking elements of our original dream and picking at them to see if they still resonate and seem valid.  This means that I’m really just solidifying what it is that I want.  So for this moment I’m detailing the location and land desires.

What Nathan and I have always envisioned is large acreage: approximately 300 acres give or take a little bit.  This choice is based on land that we’ve been on ranging from 7 acres to 35 acres to 280 acres. Out of the different places we’ve been we like the bigger properties better when thinking about building Atira. It allows for the most flexibility in property planning,  but also means that we could spread things out to allow for nature to be present all around the different parts of Atira, something we feel strongly about.  We want to build around natural elements with minimal cutting of vegetation.

Beyond that we’ve always seen and felt that Atira was near mountains.  Close enough to see them (& get to them easily),  but far enough out that there would be fewer steep grades, and ample crop acreage. 

I have always desired that Atira be in a more liberal area.  Focusing on openness and more accepting attitudes, as in one of the states that pioneered LGBT marriage. Along those lines are locations where cannabis is beginning to be legalized, which I’ve desired to capitalize on that as an investment and possible profit producer.  It could potentially not just keep Atira afloat in the short term, but could potentially enable expansion and/or multiple locations in the long run. Essentially allowing for growth and more assistance to those that need it.

Nathan and I talked about being near the ocean,  and though it would be nice,  it’s less important to us.

I’ve thought about mountains in sunny climates,  and that would be wonderful for my depression concerns. However, those climates don’t always have the draw for younger populations, tending  to be snow bird retirees as the predominant populous, especially where spending money is concerned. My concern there is that the snow bird populous tends to be conservative and often has strong negative opinions toward any kind of welfare or charity programs. I think it would be counter productive to the goals of Atira to be surrounded by that mindset.

I have also thought of concerns regarding maximizing tourist base. If Atira was centrally located (or as close as possible to that)  it would be an applicable tourist location for nearly all of the U.S. vs. Being on one cost or another would limit or reduce the reach Atira might have.

Finally,  from my experiences I’ve decided it would be optimal to be about 30 min outside of a metro area, especially one with an airport. That puts the property far enough out to find peace and quiet,  but close enough to have relatively easy access to all of the perks of a metro.

When putting all of these factors together I keep circling back to being in Colorado. We’ve really liked the idea of Washington state or Oregon for a long time,  but the lack of tourist centrality makes those 2 states less desirable.  I’ve also been informed that those two states tend to be very high cost of living (Colorado is high,  but not as high). I’ve contemplated states like West Virginia, Kentucky, & the Carolinas, but from experience I know that they are conservative areas and also not cannnabis legal yet.  I’ve contemplated New Mexico & even Hawaii & ruled them out for similar reasons, Hawii is the most tempting of the ruled out though, for obvious reasons.  For now though my sights seem to be set on Colorado, I just keep circling back to it meeting nearly all of the goals/ideals we have listed.  My biggest roadblock to committing to Colorado right now is that I’ve never been there, I have no idea where to start, and I don’t really know what’s available. So, I really just need to do more research before we commit to moving there anytime soon, or even not so soon.

It’s a start though.  I really look forward to figuring things out and seeing the process unfold.  For now,  it seems I’m being told to get the family current passports. Hopefully that means an excellent exotic adventure vacation awaits us in the near future! 

DesperateMEasures

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I’m sitting in the garden to write this. I struggle today. Again I thought all was well, going great in fact. Yet, today all my triggers hit me. In about 24 hours, I’ve been overwhelmed by money, time, desires vs reality, food (and my lack of ability to stay strict indefinitely), and a strong feeling that I’m not good enough to do what I want and need to do, not to mention that my family needs more from me than I can give and they seem to only care about me when they want something. My messages seem to fall on deaf ears.

Nathan says it’s all in my mind. He says he knows I’m struggling, and that it’s probably from my lapses in diet and sleep. I just don’t seem to know anymore.

Regardless I have done everything I could think of to pull out. Supplements, Thyroid med, good healthy food, gardening, even trying to spend time with Ian (though he didn’t seem to care, maybe that’s just his age talking). I’m basically shut down emotionally, and struggling to open back up. When I am in a work day I do fine, great in fact. Yet, my home days are as hard as ever to stay buoyant. Today I broke down twice, and I have resorted to my break in case of emergency herb, to keep from doing anything drastic. Right now I’m just at my wits end.

So, desperate measures, for me, myself, and I. I’m writing. Maybe if I get the feelings out, and follow it with something positive I can pull my brain out of this suck-tastic nose-dive of depression.


I feel: tired, sad, unsupported, unsafe, like I have no direction…. Like what I had intended to do, what I want to do, is yet again blowing up in my face, and no matter what I try I just can’t win. There are no good options, and the money flow is never great enough to catch up and make progress. Every time I get “enough” money it turns out to not really be enough because we’re always so far behind the 8 ball that it goes far to fast trying to overcompensate for the vacuum of things we need. I’m overwhelmed. I’m feeling like I don’t know whether to believe the messages or not- I’ve done the visualizing, I’m doing my best to have faith, yet I’m in this state again, with no tangible evidence that anything is actually improving.

Nathan pointed out that things are different because I’m in love twice over, that I have to find a new way of doing things. Damned if I know what that is, and “love isn’t a potato”- a  meal on the table or a safe, clean, comfortable home. Bonus I can’t get my daughter to do her chores, I can’t get the shipping container guy to get back to me with price quotes, and we’re burning through our savings trying to accomplish the little goals of life.

Nathan swears that he’ll do this or that, and I see some progress, but again it’s like the financial void, the hole was so deep I wonder if he’ll ever actually catch up and climb out.

I’m stressed, and I feel like I’m begging for a vacation I’ll never get. The summer is already well underway and I have no idea what to do with construction because I could dump another 5 grand just getting the rotten wood under control and new siding and not even touch the insides for another year. So I’m sitting- stalling, hoping the shipping containers would be a viable replacement and cheaper solution, if only he’d send me the damn info. Lost, forgotten, or like I’m the brunt of a cosmic sadistic joke. Like what if I’ve done all of these prayers, all of the visualizations, and God just wants me to continue to sit here poor as dirt, with no water and everything 5 times harder than normal people get. It’d all be for naught. I just don’t know. Feeling disconnected, like all my planning was worthless, but why I just don’t know. I lack clarity, understanding, none of the messages make sense to me right now. I think I know what they are trying to tell me, but how can it be true when I’m stuck in this never ending “Pete and Repeat” cycle. Having trouble trusting my intuition, and feeling like trusting could potentially screw me even worse.

Yep, that about sums it up. I may have missed a couple of feelings, but you get the idea.


Now for what I want…. I just looked up to see a female cardinal sitting on the bean trellis post. Then suddenly 2 male cardinals danced between the garden and trees, one landed on the bird feeder, and one in the tree. Maybe they’re here to tell me I’m headed in the right direction. I certainly hope so….

What I want:

Clarity, Understanding, Evidence, Validation. – I just need a nugget or two to help me stay buoyant. Something to drop out of the heavens and show me for real that there’s someone listening. Something that helps me to know what physical action to take. [Ms. Becky my massage therapist that I trade with tells me that when you feel this confused it is a good time to do nothing. But, if I continue to do nothing I feel like the savings of my tax return and what little else we saved will just continue to dwindle away a little at a time every time an ’emergency’ comes up.— Sorry that’s more of what I feel— focus Treasa.]

What is the next step? What actions do I need to be doing right now? Some divine messages on that, which could be completely clear and blatant in their meaning, would be awesome. Even if I’m waiting on divine intervention, there has to be some level of action steps I can be taking. Something to encourage the process. Right?

So lets shift, focus to those dreams of mine for a moment. This is actually an Abraham-Hicks exercise turned blog post. Lets assume (even though that idea just made me cringe-assumptions can sometimes cause problems) that the divine is about to intercept my dreams with some kind of huge miracle intervention. I do believe there is a god (and goddess), I do believe that some people get those big wonderful miracles, and I do believe that someone, something, or several of each has been listening to me and providing responses (regardless of my ability to interpret). So, if that’s the case my miracle is already on it’s way and I literally just have to hang on (for how long?).

So, acknowledge the message I got last week about letting go so the divine can do it’s work. Essentially, like a 2 year old nagging a parent for something and creating trouble before the parent can provide it, or an old man with dementia nagging the staff about another resident so they can’t actually go deal with the other resident [I had both in the same day]; I need to stop nagging about my woes and what I want, and find some peace and calm so the divine can do it’s job. Supposedly, the way to do that is assume the answer is being prepped and on it’s way, and then just amuse yourself until it manifests. (Ian sit and watch your shows and I’ll get you _____.) Abraham Hicks (via email) suggested spending time visualizing, expressing gratitude, and expressing appreciation.

 

Ok, So I’ve asked for:

Enough money to: not just rescue us, but all our friends and many homeless people- Atira Community. That’s a butt load of money. We’re talking Powerball when it’s hundreds of millions. That would be really nice. I have slowly built up quite the list of people I want to invite to help build Atira (literally give them jobs and homes). Most of them know they are on the list, but I wonder how many believe it is a possibility.

My family’s home as the centerpiece: 3 story Monolithic Dome home with crows nest on top- essentially a small patio on the top of the home. The home would be partially buried like a hobbit dome.

The 3rd floor room (because domes are curved, the usable space would essentially be one big room like a living room) would be the adulting room- no kids allowed. 2nd floor smaller bedrooms for everyone. I really believe that people should have their own room for autonomy, someplace that they can feel at ease and always have their chosen activities available, and it would also create an ability to escape when family life proves too challenging.

I envision that my room would have a small bed, massage table, drawing desk, and standard desk (for computer or painting palate), music corner, and easel. If organized well, I could fit all of that into a standard sized bedroom (10x10ish or variation- domes aren’t square).

In polyamory many families still share a room, and exchange places as desired. That’s why I have always wanted that 3rd floor adulting room. I would totally sacrifice the high ceilings usually offered by dome living, to accomodate 1 shared bedroom for intimacy without sacrificing my alone time and my alone space. [I often wonder if my lack of alone space is why I end up having days like today even when I think things are going great.] Thus, it becomes a priority, I now acknowledge that I like having loving intimacy, but at the same time, I need my retreat, someplace I can go to shut the world out for a bit, even if that means overnight as well.

Beyond that I’d like to see the family dome accommodate several bathrooms- multiple adults and gaggles of kids will necessitate that. It’s like having your extended family around 365 days a year. Most homes are not equipped for that many people all the time, so I want to make sure mine is, kitchen and living room included. Everything would need to be supersized and super organized and efficient to accommodate that. I do plan on inviting grandparents to Atira, but I will offer the choice of being in the family dome or in their own little home (I suspect all the GP’s will choose the latter).

Ideally my home will have a hot-tub as it has proven time and time again as valuable self-care for me. It keeps me going. I’d love to have a pool, but I’m ok with the pool being one of the last things we do after getting the rest of Atira built. The mission of Atira is more important than my desire to swim in my backyard. I will have pretty gardens though as all of Atira will have beautiful lush gardens.

The family dome would need to be smart technologically if for no other reason than to help us communicate and stay on the same page. We’ll have to have a home network and shared calendars and shopping list app. I also envision having roombas and the things that help keep showers and toilets clean. Dishwasher, and a great laundry room with a 2nd floor laundry shoot or dumbwaiter. It may seem stupid to go into that kind of detail, but existing for a decade without them, all while knowing those things would save lots of time and heartache, I can’t help but include them in the description of what I want.  All would be run by wind, solar, well water, and septic system. The point of our house would be to help create an easy to maintain environment that is energy efficient and kind on the environment, yet can accommodate a dozen or more people (depending on several factors that number might need adjusted).

Nathan wants a home theater (I’m not attached, and it may fall like the pool-after everything else). And there might be other accommodations based upon other family members preferences. These are merely the things I have contemplated over the years being poly-amorous and wanting to build this home and community.

I want calm, serene, organized, plenty of very adjustable and customize-able storage places, colorful (the whole rainbow in a very designer kind of way), modern, clean lines, shiny, new, good functioning, easy to maintain, comfortable, cozy, unique, with cat-walks and other pet friendly amenities (dog/cat doors, and pet-run outside). I like tile floors for durability and ease of maintenance, but woods floors are ok too. Area rugs for bedsides and bathrooms.

& the people in my life: I want good communication, cooperation, sharing-both in chores/duties and fun, caring, listening, helpfulness, affection, efficiency, openness, trusting, truthfulness, honesty, more tact (though I’m probably the one that needs the most work there), good discussions, intelligent choices, thoughtfulness. Balanced interactions, and able to work through conflicts when they arise (no family escapes conflict, and the more people in the family the more likely it is).  Everyone responsible for themselves (or their babies)- even older kids should learn to be responsible for their own rooms, belongings, and laundry. I imagine that family meals will function like co-operative houses, where main meals are planned and prepped cooperatively, and people take turns being in charge of that (the E-calendars will help with that).

“Can’t we all just get along?” I know these things are possible. I’ve seen poly families that figured it out for the most part. I just hope that my life can manifest it.

I can’t guarantee that I would suddenly have no more bad days with all of these things in my life, but I like to hope so. These things would essentially eliminate all of the things that are currently bugging me and bringing me down, eliminate all my triggers. If you solve all of the problems, it provides relief. It doesn’t mean there wont then be other problems to figure out later. There likely would end up being something else, probably several other somethings, but then again there would be more brains to brainstorm possible solutions, and more resources to throw at the solutions. So, even though “problems” are inevitable, the external factors of finances, understanding, and action would all be easier. That’s why I not only believe in polyamory, I love polyamory. More love also equals more support in every way. It helps with that love not being a potato thing: not so much in making love into a potato; but in that your multiple loves can help you find more potatoes, and then help cook those potatoes up into a scrumptious meal, and help serve that meal up to everyone present. Caring is sharing and sharing is caring. Loving more can literally create more abundance for everyone involved. I’ve seen it work for others and I look forward to it working in my life. I welcome my future poly-extended-family.



So, now I’ve given yet another glimpse of Atira. A more personal view of Atira. If the universe were only to give me enough of the money to buy land and build my home, I would still proceed with building Atira, it would just take longer. That being said the home is the most important for me, because that is the foundation, the root of why Atira is so important. My adult life has been full of challenges, which created an abundance of desires, and those desires are what created the idea of Atira Community as a whole. Just getting the house would essentially be the start of more hard work to make all of Atira an eventual reality. Once the root grows eventually there will be a beautiful plant overshadowing those original roots. Atira will be the same way. I could turn land and a house into the whole concept, it might just take me a couple of more decades to do so. Lets hope though that my miracle bypasses the decades. The sooner I accomplish the construction, the faster I can help lots of people.


Ok, so this ended up being a really long blog post. Apologies on that, but it has helped. I feel like I finally got some of the negatives out of me. (There’s a few still trying to fester.) And because I was intent on organizing my thoughts of what I want into a somewhat coherent readable blog, I really did focus well on the good things. I feel like I managed to shift my vibration a bit. There’s probably still some dietary remnants causing problems (why I didn’t completely shift), but at least the mental side, the basics were covered. I’m not as far down, I’ve stabilized. I foresee more salmon and supplements in my near future to get the rest. But at least I’m headed back up- mostly.

Thank you for reading my ramblings. Thank you for giving my thoughts some time. Thank you for your kindness, and prayers are always welcome in whatever way you prefer. I really do appreciate that people from all over the world are reading my writings and giving energy to what I’m attempting to do. Even if people don’t necessarily agree with everything that I believe, I’m certain there are few that would belittle my dreams of helping others. I think most everyone would be on board with helping our society grow and showing caring to those that need it, and any positive thoughts or energy in that direction is only helpful. I hope that one day I will get to write many blog posts about that process unfolding and get to show what good things can be done with a lot of hard work and some divine intervention.

I am appreciative of my loving caring husband Nathan, he really does do a lot for me and tries very hard to support me in many ways. I am appreciative of my kind and supportive friends. I am appreciative of all of the kind words that have been expressed to me this year. I am very appreciative of being in love twice over- that is such an amazing wonderful feeling- I like to sit with the feeling when I’m in a good place, it amplifies everything wonderful. I am appreciative of the small miracles in my life- may the messages keep flowing and may I eventually understand them all. I am appreciative that there are spirits keeping watch over me, be they dearly departed or angels or both….  I am appreciative that people find my words worthwhile and that there may be many that find solace in my journey- may my words continue to help others. I am appreciative that I continue to win the battle and wake every day with 2 functioning hard working hands- able to keep helping myself, my family, and my clients. I am appreciative that I am intelligent and determined and that I have an amazing ability to endure- I am strong in every sense of the word. I am appreciative that my loving husband sees these things even when I’m low and does his best to help me in every way he can. I’m appreciative for my loving children and furry friends. I’m appreciative of this beautiful garden I sit in to write. I am very, very appreciative that I’ve raised my vibration out of desperation. Here’s to being able to give back- CHEERS!

Atira; Diversity

So apparently, I am on Installment 5 of the Atira writings. For this one I desire to write about all of the diversity in Atira that I wish to create. I wish for Atira to have diversity in a lot of respects: people, living plants and animals, energy sources, and housing. However, none of those will be possible if Atira can not sustain itself financially.

Ultimately, I feel that the business side of Atira is the most important solely because the funds earned through the businesses will sustain the humanitarian and charitable efforts of the community. Without something to generate profits and income, Atira would essentially be a finite limited project that would burn out in a set amount of time and would thus limit the amount of good that could be done.

Now, you will never hear me compare myself to the likes of our current president or the sharks of Shark Tank- I am definitely not on their level business wise, or strategy wise for that matter. However, having managed to be self employed for 4 years and having voluntarily opened and subsequently voluntarily closed an office, as well as having all but 2 classes of a business minor- I do understand the basics of business.

The most important tenets of business that I was taught were as follows:

  • Do something you are passionate about- it’s easier to keep motivated and expend the energy to build the business, it can also help in convincing others to be passionate about your business, which will only help to grow the business.
  • Make sure that you have adequate funding to maintain the business for up to 5 years. Most businesses fail if that concept is not met.
    • Include in your budget resources for both adequate assistance (employees) and adequate marketing (people need to know all of what you have to offer, where you are, and when/how they can spend their money with your business). If you don’t market your business well enough it may make reaching that magical 5 year mark much harder.
  • And finally diversify- if all of your financial eggs are in one basket, essentially you’re relying on one magical thing to ensure you make it, you are more likely to fail. If you have a variety of products or services that you offer, then if one fails horribly you are not doomed.
  • A business plan helps to ensure you’ve accounted for these things and also your physical resources, inventories, time and space needs, and even organize the progression of building your business from scratch including supply and distribution concerns.

I’m betting that the Sharks on Shark Tank would agree with these. They might mince words, tell me I need to expand on the concepts more, or scold me for failing to provide other supporting concepts and details, but then I would say- this is just a blog about what I’d like to see happen! Additionally, I would say that my concepts of Atira definitely meet both passion and diversity. What I lack is the official business plan and funding. The former being relatively easy, the latter being much more difficult.

So, I’ve already discussed that this is a passion that has been festering for over a decade. The first failed attempt at starting Atira (we hadn’t even named it yet) small scale was done in 2006. We’d already discussed Atira for a couple of years when we tried to make a small go. *Nathan’s bad divorce was ultimately a huge cause for the first fail, as we didn’t factor doubled child support payments into plans not knowing it was a possibility. When the divorce finally completed his obligations were over twice as much as we thought they would be. We stalled out quickly.* After that fail, we became hesitant, and life encouraged that hesitation with set-back after set-back. We never quit talking abut all the things we’d like to do.

In 2008 we were having a discussion about Atira- making a mock map and discussing how we wanted to arrange things- when the word Atira popped into my head. I googled the word not knowing it’s origin or anything, even guessing on the spelling, merely going by what I ‘heard’. Google results returned that it was a Hebrew Girl’s name meaning prayer (I liked that concept and felt it fit), and also it had some native american context. There wasn’t much to be found with that word in 2008. Now there is much more information available.

The point of that, is that this is most definitely not a new concept, and the concept itself goes back further in our history than even having a name label for it.

So what is that concept? Help people make their lives better and the world better through a diverse business and community structure. I’ve described a bit of that in previous posts, but lets focus in on the business. I’ll break down each aspect that I brought up previously, as follows:

Festivals:

Nathan and I have both attended a variety of festivals in a variety of settings. The reasoning for having festivals is 2 fold. 1- We wish to have those wonderful experiences right at our doorstep. 2- We wish to make Atira a destination place for people all over to come and see what we’re about. The more people see what we’re doing, the more likely they might wish to create Atira Jr. and spread the love and assistance.

As for the types of festivals, we want as much diversity as the business structure itself. There are 52 weeks in a year, 2/3’s of which would be in ‘fair’ to ‘good’ weather. That’s roughly 34 weeks of available festival space/time. We have envisioned having film festivals, music festivals, art festivals, and yes pagan-clothing-optional festivals. We would like to have art and film festivals for each good season, so 3 times each per year. That’s only 6 weeks out of the 34. The rest of the weeks available would be divided between music, pagan festivals, and private gatherings (alternate groups to utilize the festival grounds). I personally would prefer that music festivals dominate, but Nathan and I have compromised to allow for the remaining 28 weeks to be divided relatively evenly with 10 weeks music, 10 weeks pagan, and 8 weeks private/for-rent.

That’s a lot of festivals. From having been on the hands on crew for planning/implementation of a couple of festivals, I am aware of how many hands on deck are needed to pull such endeavors off once, let alone year round. Lets just say, it would be a full-time crew of about 100 people, with another 50-ish others being part-time. Yet, entirely possible. Festivals are usually run Friday, Saturday, Sunday, with setup Being Wednesday/Thursday and tear down being Monday/Tuesday. Thus, needing both full and part-time crew. What would reduce staff needs is if there were permanent structures to facilitate the events with a minimum of set-up and tear-down. I think of classic Ren-Faire environments, when this comes to mind, where they have merchants literally rent permanent structures that are small basic buildings. I prefer that Atira would have a more modern rendition of that concept.

There would have to be a few staff members to divide up festival planning (2 to 3 professional event coordinators) and marketing (2 to 3 marketing pros) of all events.

Arts:

The studio I referenced in Installment 4. Studio Rental space, gallery space, arts council, and store for locally produced crafts, textiles, and fbre wears (handmade papers).

Healing:

This is the office where medical and complimentary alternative medicine cooperate for whole body health. I foresee the providers there being hired and helping all of the incoming transitional cases to find stable health, both mentally and physically so that they can begin training for opportunities elsewhere in the community. I wish there to be at least one of each (maybe more) of the following: General Practice MD, DO, DC, PT, OT, Speech Therapist, LMT, Acupuncturist, NMD, Chinese Herballist, Psychologist, Medical Certified Nutrition-Scientist, Personal Trainer, Reiki practitioner, and Yoga (&/or pilates) Instructor.

Energy:

Atira needs to run on Green energy sources, but I want it to be a ‘go to’ for planning and installing green energy in other places. I want people outside the community to come to us for help turning their home green, for turning their small businesses green, and I want the word to spread well enough that even larger businesses and corporations take note and start following suit. I want Atira to push for greater efforts in the world at large to go green. The pioneers are already out there, I want Atira to push the edges a bit further.

Grocery/home goods store

Again, this is to be a store that sells it all. “Buy Fresh Buy Local”, Organic (especially from Atira crops), Alternative Fiber goods, Hand crafted housewares, and a variety of other socially responsible products. The best of the best equivalent to whatever you could find in any ‘regular’ grocery store. It may be idealistic to think that a store could exist that only sells those types of items, but it’s an ideal I want to attempt. I have this “If you build it, they will come.” mentality. I think people want to shop responsibly but when it becomes difficult (having to do research, read labels even more, etc.) they give up. If you make it easy by telling people through adequate marketing that anything they buy at the store will be socially responsible, they’ll want to shop there. Then there would just need to be adequate signage in-store to show people which products are local, and which might be non-local but still socially responsible, and signage explaining all edibles are organic, etc. Make it easier for people to find what they need and still feel good about their purchases having a positive ripple effect on the world.

Bakery/cafe/restaurant:

BAKE: Sprouted and fermented grain goods, No-grain baked goods, gluten free, nightshade-free, corn-free. Something tasty for everyone. Baked goods sold through both the Cafe and Grocery.

Cafe: Heavy on the teas, light on the coffees and espressos, fresh made juice-cocktail bar. Always with vegan and vegetarian options. Coconut milk, almond milk, cashew milk, Caesin free and RAW. Wi-Fi for all, regardless of purchase. Nathan and I want the cafe to be the gathering place where people want to be to discuss and create. A modern Salon (before it meant hair-cutting, it was a gathering place).

We envision the cafe and restaurant being attached, like 2 halves of one space, maybe a short wall for delineation.

Restaurant: Foods for all. Meat to vegan, Allergies considered. The menu would have subsections for allergy restrictions. (I am very cognizant of this with my long list!) The restaurant would also have a great salad bar and alcohol bar.

All together it means happy eating and drinking any time of day for any person that walks through the door.

Crops:

Finally, the crops I wish to have are for both financial and personal reasons.

Cash crops:

Hemp:

For fibre, milk, seeds (food), and protein (powder drinks)

Cannabis:

For medical and/or recreational – there would have to be significant land mass between the hemp and cannabis to avoid cross pollination…. so grown on opposite sides of the property, with everything literally separating the 2.

Herbs:

Herbs are actually a lucrative cash crop for 2 reasons:

1- when you go to the grocery store, answer the question: how much am I getting for my dollar compared to a loaf of bread or a pound of meat. You get a half ounce of herbs for the cost of a loaf of bread, maybe an ounce or two for the cost of a pound of meat.

2- Have you ever compared organic herbs to regular (Tones or McCormic), the organic is usually double the cost.

Herbs can also be used to create designer teas at high dollar value, and even extracted to essential oils for even higher dollar value. Plus they are full of great nutrition in any form.

 

No quite such a cash crop, but equally important are all the vegetables I wish to grow large scale.

Cucumbers, Squashes, Mellons, Berries, Greens/Lettuces, Broccoli, Cauliflower, Carrots, Fennel, Onions/leeks, Garlics, tree fruits, etc…. everything except what america tends to grow (no corn, soy, wheat, or nightshades).

Yum!

I’ve even considered growing non-edible plant crops: trees, shrubs, flowers… though those tend to take more space, so it may boil down to an acreage and climate issue.



 

The many things I long for. I write of these things to take the sting out of reality. I write of these things to cling to my hope for making the world a better place. I write of these things hoping it will bring an energy of abundance into my life. I write of these things hoping for better: for me, my family, my friends, and the world at large.

  • I am not ignorant of the news. I choose not to focus on it because it causes great fear and concern in me. I wrote months before the election (perhaps in another outlet) that I thought we were already technically in WW III because of Bush Jr’s meddling in the middle east and creating the war on terror. Obama merely failed to end that escapade. Now we’re faced with a dumb-ass president that seems may have put the final missile into WW III. I just can’t devote too much mental energy into dwelling on that because I’ve already had dreams of being in a nuclear blast and loosing my family and everything. If I dwell I might fall really far back in the abyss of depression, and that is simply not acceptable.

 

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Journeys make the dream.

Recently I just finished watching “The Kindness Diaries” on Netflix (I believe that it is a NetFlix original). It was the most amazing story of a spiritual journey that I have seen yet. I am utterly grateful for Leon’s journey for it brought hope back to my heart and provided a great expansion in my being. Essentially, he travels the world solely by the kindness of others, which leaves him in some very interesting situations. In the end not only was the kindness that he was shown amazing, but the kindness he returned was amazing too.

It has made me think yet again about ways that I might do more for others. My heart so yearns for a large scale helping of others. I have acknowledged lately that I am not here to make money; I am here to help make the world a better place for as many people as I can. It’s why I became a massage therapist a decade ago when my art degree failed so miserably. I thought that if I couldn’t make the world beautiful, perhaps I could help people instead. They are really elements of the same aspect of my being that is my soul manifest. Beautiful sound, beautiful images/objects, and treating others beautifully- they all contribute to a beautiful world.

I have been very verbal about that, even responding to queries from my residents regarding things that Trump is doing, that I am a humanitarian at heart- I want to help people and I wish there were more humanitarians in the world. I explained to one resident (when he was asking about military budget), that the biggest problem that I had with spending more on the military is that it wouldn’t go to the soldiers it would go to the military machine- that our country has a long history of sending people off to war, getting maimed and traumatized, often killed. The ones that do return home are “released” and left to their own devices; often having to fight for medical care through our pitiful VA system. I pointed out to him, that even he chose to use up all of his retirement savings on a private facility rather than go to the VA home. It really is sad how our veterans are treated after having fought for our freedoms. Yet the system continues to function the same way, because there are too few humanitarians willing to put their foot down and refuse to perpetuate that very system.

Regardless, I am essentially aware that I myself have not been able to produce monetary gains of any sort. I’m not here to make money. However, I’ve been having long conversations with the divine of late that it’s much easier to help others if the monetary flow is great. The greater the flow in fact: the more people that I could help. The better effect I could have on the world. The more beauty I could bring.

I have acknowledged that the archetype of Lord Shiva (aka Zeus, Jupiter, Thor, Cernunos, you even could compare to the burning bush God of The Bible) is speaking to me of late. That archetype:  Father God with strong firey powers that can be both destructive and life giving; is speaking to me on a level that I am still having trouble wrapping my brain around. It feels so amazing, yet very surreal. The messages are flowing strongly, the mental images are intense yet very comforting. I am literally feeling the divine love lately. I am feeling the love in me and my life much better than the broken depression wrought brain I had a few months ago.

[Because believe me when I say that: not only does depression eliminate the ability to feel love, it also makes me a very angry aggressive monster, and I end up even despising myself and the things I have done.]

Yet, I have conversations with this power about how I could be doing so much more for others, especially if I wasn’t worried about my own self and family so much. I say “if only you could drop a ‘whole lotta money’ in my lap, I could build Atira” and create that beautiful perpetual giving machine to help thousands, perhaps even millions of people. I emphasize that I would do it all in the name of the Divine, that I know I personally am not here to make money for myself. I have proven time and time again that I can exist on little to no money. I can and would contribute all of it to building the giving machine. As long as I had a peaceful retreat (room of my own) and enough food (which really isn’t much these days)- I would give everything else to create Atira and help everyone I could.

And then the surreal gets blissfully even more surreal.

I realize that without the hard journey Nathan and I have experienced, we would not have gotten to where we are. We would not have been so concerned for the safety and security of others. We would not want to help others out of situations that we narrowly missed. We would not have wanted to fix things that other people are blind to. We would not have the desire to be such intense humanitarians.

So then I ask: can we cut to the chase now? Have we experienced enough journey to be like Leon Logothetis and give back in a big way? Can I start having the OPRAH experience now? Take that twisty-windy-curvy, long, painful road, and make it short, straight, sweet, and to-the-point? PLEASE?!?!

As if trying to yell a response, my days get even more surreal.

Messages are everywhere. I realize that a residents’ wall I’ve been staring at for 2 years has objects on it that validate my current experience. I begin to wonder what the remaining objects mean.

I also get messages in text speak- lots and lots of them!

For instance, in one spot I see: L247282… 8 has always been a reference for infinite for me. L or LU  has always been Love or Love You for me. So then I translate the text speak into “Love 24/7 to the infinite too”, essentially telling me show some love back please.  My response- OK, done!

How does one show love to the divine?

For me it’s always been through mantras, art, nature, dancing, and music. They all help me feel connected, help me feel that love much more. So I’ll step up my work some more. Mantras have already been stepped up, and I’ve already been listening to a lot of music that makes me want to dance. I don’t feel like a great dancer, but I do love to dance around a fire on a cool summer night. I can’t wait for the weather to get a little better so that I can do more of that. That leaves art, being in nature, and playing music. All of which I could do lots more of. DONE! Making room in the schedule.

Yet, what about that 24/7 part?

I need to bring the feeling I get when I’m doing those things into all of my waking activities… and sleep too! For sleep, just set the tone before drifting off… it always works for me. Waking hours might be a bit more challenging, but challenge accepted. If that’s the missing link, then I’m going to do my best to show the love 24/7. I’ll bring more love to my residents, more love to my work environment, more love to the road, and For Pete’s Sake more love to my ever-frustrating super-smart yet very beautiful children. If love’s what’s missing, I’ll do my humanly best to bring more love to the table.

 

So, today I brought the love through stopping to smell and take pictures of flowering trees. I flirted with the lifeguard at the Y, I said hi to complete strangers. I gave what little pocket change I had to a man on the street (I’ve been sorely short cash moneys lately), and I drove oblivious to the traffic conditions that would normally frustrate the living daylights out of me.

It was and still is a beautiful day, rain, clouds and all. Things feel good again. I look forward to the future manifestations of that.

Next installment of Atira I’ll talk about the different business things I want to do… I’ve been working on fine tuning mentally the order of things before I sit to write it.

Trying to hide from my fears. 

Be it running on exhausted,  real world woes, or a combination of the two, I find myself hiding in the spa room at work.

On Fridays I work at 3 different buildings owned by the same senior care corporation.  They are nice buildings,  with wonderful people,  none of which have taken the time to get to know me over the last 4 years. I don’t fault them for it,  I’m not in any one of them every day,  they simply don’t see me enough to think they should know me better.

Yet, I find myself today wishing someone did.  I cried hard and long between buildings.  I carefully gathered myself,  regained composure to walk back into the next.  I’ve done my job,  at least as much as I can for the moment, I’m waiting for 2 residents to be available.  So down time to be had, but today that’s not a good thing. 

Today the silence is eating at me, making me want to cry, to rock myself for comfort.  If they made an adult  version of the baby swings, I’d be in it right now. 

My fears are consuming me on this day.  I’ve taken all of my medicines and supplements,  & yet I still find myself struggling today.

I can’t help thinking I’m a failure,  yet I know I’ve tried everything within reach. But that’s just it,  I know there are things I would do if they were in reach. Yet I have no clue how to make them.

I’ve thought pray; maybe the divine will help. Alas, it seems I’m still on the do not call list for GOD.

I’m just so afraid that we will freeze to death this winter.  Our  van is vital for me to get to work,  so when it broke it became priority. We’ve fixed most,  but not all of what needed attention.  I still have to replace the struts & O2 sensor, nearly $700 of work, all because of finances. I thought I’d have enough.  Enough time, enough money,  enough smarts,  enough talent,  to make sure the vitals were done by cold weather.  Now I’m not so sure.

I’m so afraid that it won’t get done,  that other things will keep being more vital.  That I won’t have enough to meet all of the things that are really important.

It’s moments like this that I feel very alone.  I have fiends,  but none of them can or will help with the nitty gritty of this remodel. I knew that going in, but I find myself desperately begging the universe to quit kinking my hose, please quit throwing up roadblocks.

For once in my God  Dammed life, please let something go smoothly and as planned.  Why does everything I do turn to shit? I know I’m am insignificant measly mortal, but just for once I’d like to feel at least like I’m supported;  hell even just that nothing’s fighting  me.

I just want to provide basic necessities for my family.  I want a safe home,  I’ve long ago given up my dreams of  grandeur. I just want to be able to know I have enough to feed my family.  I just want to know I can go & come from work safely.  I just want to know the vehicle my children ride in is safe. 

I know that because of our past, our challenges that I failed to meet, I will probably never make it out of this God Forsaken hole. I just wish that if I’m stuck here for the rest of my life I could at least provide enough that my children don’t have to suffer.

Why is that too much to ask?

So I sit for a while,  in the Spa room, crying & hoping I can finish my day with my carefully practiced fake smile.