Tag Archives: hypothyroid

Something’s screwy here.

That’s a mannerism of Abraham Hicks that seems to fit today.

The other side seems to have quite the sense of humor, especially with me.

After following a ProCircuit Inc truck for what seemed like forever, messages started flowing again. I had to exclaim into thin air “Haha Ohm equals Om” after finally remembering the Greek letter omega on the Pro Circuit truck is used in electronics as a symbol for ohms. Their logo also includes a depiction of a wave, & I took that in combination with the other messages to validate I’d tripped into the higher vibration Abraham always talks about. I had found the right wavelength so to speak.

The interesting part is that it was accidental on this day, but Abraham stresses meditation is the key to finding it on purpose…. That’s the reason the ohm symbol was important. I have again slacked on my meditation practice.

Thanks baby, I love you, but I do need my time.

It also made me confess that I’m great at focusing when I am at least partly in control of my environment, but suck at it when there’s chaos beyond my control.

Yet, I do love the feeling I get when I’m in the zone. Warm and fuzzy all over, a-buzz with good feelings. Abraham stresses too that acknowledgement of that helps bring more if it, but it’s still a conscious decision to practice focusing on it. I need to work on that focus part, especially since I lose the feeling so easily at times.

Regardless, the messages were a little bit clearer after that moment. Seeing 9-until and exclaiming “Until what?” to then see D-wil and L-Luckly. I know something good is inbound, and yet again I’m excited without knowing exactly what for. It’s a good thing.

For now I cross my fingers that the birth is paid for by an entity other than me. Especially since I spent so much figuring out thyroid stuff. Labs confirmed I have a decent dosage on my desiccated thyroid medicine figured out. Could be a smidgen better, but it’ll do for now. What was of most concern is that labs also confirmed suspicions about my allergies and thyroid connection. I technically fall into Hashimotos with such high levels of antibodies, but have never been labeled as such by a doctor. Mainly because I figured out everything on my own and this is the first time labs even checked antibody levels.

What bothers me most is that even with 3rd trimester adjustments and being 98% faithful to that diet since birth, my antibody levels are still scary high. So, I’m realizing I need to be even more strict to get my body to stop attacking itself. That is vital to everything else in my body functioning properly.

So one more puzzle to figure out. This time I feel like the divine is guiding me to the answer, & I’m the one going kicking & screaming because I’ll have to say goodbye to my last few food pleasures.

I was already familiar with the Autoimmune Paleao diet, having tried it once before. Yet, it seems I’m going to have to try again. Here’s a chart found at this site that shows what the diet avoids:

Classically, some of those foods have been OK for me. Nuts, seeds, eggs, and some beans have usually been fine and not given me any symptoms. At least any physical symptoms that I could notice. Yet with my antibodies so high I’m obviously still reacting to things.

So perhaps it’s time to get ultra serious and really stick to AIP. I foresee having juices and pea-protein shakes (even though peas are AIP discouraged it’ll be the safest option for me & my history) to try & keep calories up to accommodate breastfeeding. It’s also a really good thing that avocado is okay, because I forsee it being my only real access to fats beyond meat. I’m so sick of being such an excessive meat eater right now that avocado sounds wonderful. How many ways can you eat avocados? Not sure right now, but I know I’ll find out. Perhaps I should just get several plants, because I’ll otherwise spend a small fortune buying them in fresh produce. Hmm. The possibilities.

I suppose for having gotten “bad lab results” I’m in a decent mood. That’s a good thing. It’ll help when I get around to figuring out what the hell I can eat. & on that note, I wish for all of you readers to enjoy what you eat and still have optimum health.

Farewell Cupcakes, and bread and….

So through the videos that I linked in my last post, and “The Depression Cure”, I’m discovering that my pregnancy diet isn’t just my diet. It’s a thing for a lot of people and many more that don’t even know it yet.

The videos swear that if I follow the food regimen, which they call Auto-Immune Paleo Diet, for the rest of my life- I could potentially heal completely and never need thyroid medicine ever again. At that point, it is more of a lifestyle choice, such as “The Depression Cure” suggests.

I’m discovering that there isn’t much difference between the dietary guidelines discussed in “The Depression Cure” and the Auto-Immune Paleo Guidelines. The biggest difference is that  the Paleo variety is really really focused on eliminating immune response, so you have to eliminate anything that triggers your immune system. They acknowledge that this can be different for everyone, but there are certain seemingly universal (or pertain to most people) elements, such as: Dairy, Glutens/grains, soy, eggs, and Nightshade Family vegetables, and often Peanuts.

I would hypothesize that the peanuts, being less universal, might be a combination of their Omega 6 heavy nature, along with the fact that Peanuts tend to have higher levels of  toxic pesticides and herbicides on them- at least compared with other nuts- and maybe that is because it is technically a legume growing on the ground. A double whammy. Which, The Thyroid Secret discusses the fact that a lot of Thyroid patients are having problems that are literally cumulative over time, and often are not dealt with until symptoms , and thus thyroid damage, are severe. Ultimately, an issue of toxicity gradually overwhelming the immune system. Thus, it would make sense that peanuts would land on the list.

I find it interesting that “The Depression Cure” lays out a diet based upon what “uncivilized” or aboriginal people would eat, and those same qualities are found in the Paleo diet based on paleolithic men. Beyond that most of the common “allergens” or “immune triggers” are just not commonly found in those diets. “The Depression Cure” doesn’t specifically state to avoid those items, just to eat the others. Yet both guideline systems have eerily similar statements about what to eat and to make it a permanent lifestyle choice, and they also have very similar results.

Of course they do. Thyroid problems can and often do cause Depression. Inflammation (immune response) -especially in the brain- can and often does cause Depression. Of course this is all one and the same issue. It doesn’t matter if you are diagnosing from the Depression, or the Thyroid/other organ malfunction, or the inflammation manifesting in the body or brain (RA, joint or connective tissue diseases).  It’s all the same problem.

I can see that now that I am actively trying to fix both problems at the same time, and conveniently finding  or being given the right information. It’s all falling into place and making sense.

Inflammation is the root cause of so many problems, diseases, and disorders, and of course our diet would be the #1 cause of inflammation in our bodies. YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT!

Do you know how many times kids used that on me growing up? I could never figure out how my obesity was evidence of that, when they were downing just as many Doritos, Cheetos, and Little Debbie snacks as I was. Why was what I ate showing on my body, and what they ate wasn’t? Now years later I’m discovering that even if it didn’t visually show on them then, it would eventually accumulate enough to cause them some kind of problem. There’s little solace in that.

If someone had told me when I was 12- “Even though your thyroid isn’t completely malfunctioning right now, it will be unless you change your diet. This will suck short term, learning how to change, but long term you’ll be glad you did. You need to eat like this or your life will be full of pain, fatigue, and depression.” … I would have done it. I would have taken the greens over depression  for 20 years in a heartbeat. I might have been like every other teen and balked at the idea, or drug my heals in doing it, but as soon as relief was felt I know I would have kept with it.

So, now that I’m back on the bandwagon, and I’m cleaning my diet back up. Where do I go from here.

I’m starting to feel better again, and though the scale doesn’t register weight loss, I know I’m thinning because of the way my clothes fit and what people are saying to me. That makes me feel good. It always helps to know that I’m looking better when I’m also starting to feel better too.

With that being said, my body still has sags and folds from the pregnancy. This is libel to make that worse. I can’t afford a surgery to remove excess skin, and I have no idea how long it takes for skin to naturally shrink back up. I guess I’ll have to start getting creative now with ways to convince myself that the loose skin is fine. Mind over matter that one- and now that my brain is working better, I should be able to do that.

I want to feel attractive, but loose skin does tend to make that difficult, so I will start working on focusing on other things to reinforce my beauty in my own mind. Nathan swears that he finds me beautiful regardless of what my body looks like. I love him so much, and appreciate every word of that.

The diet isn’t easy, and makes me want to never go grocery shopping ever again. Do you know how few items in a grocery store are actually edible for me? That will definitely be my biggest challenge. Even today I went to Whole Foods and got a salad which had eggs, tomatoes and dairy dressing. After tossing the eggs and tomatoes in the compost bin, I relegated to one last dairy product.  There are so very few items in pre-made food that I could just grab and eat. It seems I will be forever picking things out or creating substitutions. That’s hard for me. Sometimes I just want to be able to be “normal”, but I’m discovering that the better way to look at it is: “Is living in pain for the rest of your life normal?” Because that is what everyone else is likely to experience, if they are not currently, at some point in their life they are likely to experience something that will require medication to mask symptoms, and possibly not even successfully at that. I at least have a chance at healing, if I stick with it and give my body optimum nutrition. I’ll take that chance.

SO, finally, I’m left with what lesson to take away from 22 years of struggle to find out it could all have been avoided and fixed long ago with permanent diet changes. I think for me it is about education. Since I couldn’t find a way around the 22 years of pain- physical and mental, maybe, just maybe I can help others avoid it. SO, I’ll probably contrive a nutrition class for our home-schoolers, and maybe find a way to speak to middle and high-schoolers in public and private schools.

I’m not much of a speaker right now. I get by when I have to, being more of an introverted personality, a bit shy. But I think this one is important. I have no idea how, but I’ll go about it like the trailer remodel- one piece, one step at a time. Maybe 10 years from now I’ll have affected millions of kids and become famous. Who knows. Right now I just want to help people avoid spending 2 decades in pain like I did. If I can help even a few people do that then my journey was worth it. NAMASTE and AHO!

The Thyroid Secret Docu-series 

So I’m watching “episodes” of a new docu-series that is very helpful in learning about my thyroid stuff. The series cites a lot of data that shows thyroid conditions are WAY under diagnosed and poorly treated when diagnosed. It also starts to explain what proper treatment is.  I’m glad this information is finally getting out there. 

I am only somewhat shocked to find that the auto-immune diet for thyroid treatment is so very similar to the TLC protocol diet for depression. Unfortunately there are things in both that I can’t eat because of my particular allergy combinations. But it does show how intrinsically linked diet is to health and reinforces the thyroid-depression link. 

If you know anyone that struggles with: 

Depression, anxiety, low energy,  hair loss, heart conditions,  or other auto-immune/allergy conditions; 

Please, please, watch this documentary series and refer them to do the same.

Home page for The Thyroid Secret

Episode 1

Episode 2

There’s supposed to be more series “episodes”,  so I recommend signing up to get the emails with reminder links- there is a subscribe box on the homepage. 

Allergies, not just sneezing.

After having spoken with many people about my allergy journey, I’ve decided that it is important for me to share the stories in a more tangible way to help others that may be struggling to figure their symptoms out. My story is one of listening to signs and ques and decoding the information to find relief. Simple as that, but in that simplicity is a huge array of complex and time consuming actions. So in my story you will see the information I gleaned, and how I went about testing theories, and ultimately the discoveries about my myriad of symptoms based upon the allergen. I hope it helps you.

My journey started very young. By the age of 3 I had received allergy shots to help with symptoms such as congestion, red watery eyes, and sneezing. By kindergarten I was being given Benadryl regularly for the same symptoms. By 2nd grade I’d seen an allergist who did the very expensive skin prick testing. His results were mold spores, certain tree pollens, and certain grass pollens and even dandelion and ragweed pollen. I was told stay indoors when pollen counts were high and that I would probably have to take allergy medicine my whole life unless I was lucky enough to outgrow some of my allergies.

By the time I was 11, I was no better. I was given my vaccine boosters a little late, but the doctors assured my mom I’d be fine because I had had all of my vaccines on time prior to that booster. That year my allergies swelled. I could not go outside if ours or any of our neighbors’ yards had been mowed. Otherwise I would end up in a congested, red-eyed wheezing fit. That year I got a horrible case of pneumonia, which the doctor noted as being unseasonably early, and had to do regular breathing treatments and large doses of antibiotics to get over the pneumonia. The following summer my allergies were just as bad and my mom took me back to the doctor. He diagnosed me as having asthma and medicated accordingly. That year was the same year that I gained massive amounts of weight, almost 80 pounds, and began my battle with Depression.

I have now seen the documentary Vaxxed, and even though they only discussed one particular complication of the vaccine, I am now certain that all of my health problems could be plausibly linked to that vaccine booster or a particular set of circumstances of which the vaccine was merely the tipping point. And for all I know, with the lack of reliable truthfully studied and relinquished/disclosed information,  it is plausible that my entire allergy journey is intrinsically linked to my full exposure to the myriad of childhood vaccines I received. See my previous post- especially the part about 3 things I know.

Regardless, that year included a vaccine and the beginning of major lifelong health problems including significant health altering allergies and severe depression.

I continued on following Wetern Medicine’s half-assed fix. Take allergy medicine, if you have trouble breathing- use your inhaler, if the breathing trouble persists use a breathing machine, if that fails to control the breathing come back in and get a script for antibiotics.They didn’t deal with the depression chalking it up to being a pre-teen in middle school. They didn’t deal with the weight gain because my thyroid “was low side of normal”.

By the time I graduated high school I was using my inhaler regularly because one of my class-mates died from an asthma attack and I was petrified that it could have been me. I was probably over medicating at the slightest wheeze out of fear.

I graduated and went to college. As part of my research for a science class I came across a website discussing allergies. That website went over different types of allergies, covered lists of allergens and even discussed the intrinsic link between food allergies and environmental allergies. I’m sorry I don’t have the link anymore- it was over a decade ago I read it. Anyway, the site explained that if food allergies are present, environmental allergies will manifest more severely because your immune system is already on overload and hyper-reactive. I took that information and marinated on it because I didn’t know how to proceed. How did you figure out if you had food allergies? I just couldn’t conceptualize the process of eliminating foods to try and figure that out.

Within about 2 or 3 months of that, I met someone that had a Red40 allergy and she told me about her reactions. She explained that she was also allergic to other things and blue food-coloring. I was amazed at her story and how she figured it all out. Again I marinated on that information. I’m providing these anecdotes because I have noticed that along my journey the information always presented itself through outside sources first, and followed in first hand experience later.

So my first hand experience was during my 2nd year of college. I had a small apartment and was trying to make a go of it on my own. Like any poor college student I cut corners on food to allow for spending money for weekend fun. One meal led to my first allergen discovery. I ate a king sized package of twizzelers and a can of green beans. Up to that point I’d only ever had a few twizzelers at a time, and I’d had green beans from a can thousands of times in my life. As I sat in my tiny living room wheezing and puffing on my inhaler every 15 min, I recalled the conversation with the friend that had all the allergies. By the end of 4 hours I could finally breathe mostly normally, but my heart was racing from the excessive inhaler use. I was petrified, but knew I had to test my Red40 theory.

Over the next couple of  weeks I had green beans several times and twizzelers several times (in smaller quantities). Sure enough the green beans were harmless, but the twizzelers left me wheezing every time. Ok, so now I know I do have a food allergy. I thought just one.

Fast forward several years. Anya was about 3 and her biological mom was harping on us to keep her on a gluten free diet. I was doing my best to make gluten free bread and failing. I read an article about Rye being similar to wheat, but that the glutinous protein was slightly different and thus some Gluten Intolerant people could eat rye. I was excited because I’d watched my mom make rye many times over and I knew I could duplicate the bread with a good recipe. I bought a bag of rye flower and the complimentary ingredients and proceeded to make 2 loaves. They turned out perfectly and as soon as the first was cool enough to eat, I sliced away and Nathan and I enjoyed almost a whole loaf that day. By dinner time (roughly 2 hours later) I was so bloated I was in pain and didn’t want to move. I had the most horrible gas, and felt like puking. I curled up in a ball on the sofa and sipped on hot  tea hoping it would calm my stomach. My stomach stayed tied up in knots for 2 days after that. Of course now I have another theory: was it the rye? Test, test again. I bought store loaves of rye from 3 or 4  different sources. trying one or 2 slices at a time.  Every time I ended up severely bloated and miserable for hours. So, ok, now I have 2 food allergies- right?!

Fast forward another couple of years and I was trading with a massage therapist that was having her knees replaced because her nightshade allergy had produced (Rheumatoid?) arthritis enough years that her knees were permanently damaged. Logged and noted.

Fast forward another couple of years. I got pregnant with Ian. I knew that gestational diabetes was a thing in my family. I also knew my mom’s version was atypical in some respects but couldn’t remember how. So I started logging everything. What I ate, how much of it, when, and what my glucose numbers were afterward. I noticed a pattern that took switching practitioners 3 times to acknowledge. I noticed that only certain foods were causing glucose spikes, and if I avoided those I was fine. The person that finally acknowledged the pattern explained that any stress on the body will raise glucose, and that an allergic response could definitely stress the body. It was suggested to eliminate the offending foods and see if I still have any glucose problems. I did so, and voila- the glucose issues disappeared. Anytime I misbehaved and ate a “bad” food my numbers would spike astronomically high. I would get 300’s off of 2 TBSP of mashed potatoes, but I could eat a full serving of wild rice and still be relatively normal. I got through the pregnancy just fine and had a beautiful healthy 7 pound baby boy with just diet control.

My theory is that in my body’s efforts to protect the baby, it flared my allergies to an extreme response so that I would notice more quickly and quit doing the offending behavior. Now, I know my list of foods that this process revealed, but since I’ve given birth the allergies have not backed off. I had sincerely hoped they would have, but it seems they are as bad as ever. I now take 2 different allergy medicines: Singulair and Zyrtec, and still have to do breathing treatments regularly or use my inhaler when I’m away from home. It’s so severe now that I am contemplating seeking a compounding pharmacist to eliminate the corn and potato products in my medicines.

I’ll go over my pregnancy defined list (in addition to the Red40 and Rye) and their symptoms now. It may be TOO MUCH INFORMATION for some, but if you are on a healing journey, you may find all the gross details helpful.

  1. Nightshade Family: Tomatoes, Peppers (any except peppercorns), Eggplant, Potatoes, and Gogi Berries.- This family skyrockets my blood sugars, causes my asthma to flare instantaneously, and at least tomatoes and potatoes leave me swollen and with joint pain. The inundation also causes my seasonal allergies to go off the charts so that I end up with runny nose, sneezing, and itchy watery red eyes. Symptoms will back off within hours, but if exposure was severe, remnants last for 2 weeks.
  2. Corn- loose stools, flatulence, bloating, my body refuses to fully digest food at the meal it was involved in, and thus I miss out on helpful nutrients, and the worst symptom by far is the severe joint pain. When I’ve consumed corn I end up with joint pain so severe I have trouble walking, even standing, and it has lasted 2 to 4 days each time. I now refuse to eat corn knowingly due to this. In the last 6 months I’ve had corn twice accidentally because of eating food made by friends, in which I didn’t ask the ingredients. Needless to say that doesn’t really happen too often, I can’t stand the consequences.
  3. Wheat- This is one of my lesser allergies, too bad even the lesser one is significant enough to want to avoid it. I get mild bloating, sometimes accompanied by stomach discomfort. Usually some constipation, and occasionally bloody stool.
  4. Soy- very similar reaction to wheat, but usually more severe bloating.
  5.  Lactose/dairy- bloating, massive flatulence, stomach cramps, intestinal cramps, hiccups, and IBS type stool responses.
    1. Lactose, Soy, and Wheat I’ve learned are still cause for great concern because of their relation to the thyroid. Being hypothyroid with allergies means that if I could afford the testing I’d probably be diagnosed with auto-immune hypothyroidism. Simply meaning my allergies cause the immune system to attack the thyroid. Essentially, there are molecules in those 3 foods that are very close in structure to molecules found naturally in your thyroid. If your body reacts to one, it attacks both. It is felt by having a thyroid dip even while taking thyroid medicine.
    2. Thyroid dips include: severe fatigue, depression, anger, mood swings, cold hands/feet, heart palpitations/chest pain, blood pressure swings, swelling in the extremities, and many more that I don’t always get- these are my common symptoms. For more info, please see StopTheThyroidMaddness and HypothyroidMom.

I’ve read recently the link between leaky gut, thyroid problems, and food allergies. On top of that the doctor in Vaxxed  was noting that a large number of the kids affected had been ill prior to vaccination and had taken antibiotics for the illness. His theory as I understand it, is that the killing of good gut bacteria made them more susceptible to things passing beyond the gut lining, and whatever passed through made it to the brain and did permanent irreparable damage, such as has been seen in people with advanced stage Whipple Disease. If this is the case then there is a very strong likelihood that the vaccinations not only triggered the allergies, but also may have caused brain damaged that led to my chronic battle with severe depression. The upside is that what I’ve been reading about leaky gut suggests that once the gut is healed the body can begin to heal and restore itself to pre-injury functioning. It’s a very very slow process, but one that is completely attainable through avoiding allergens and taking proactive steps such as bone broth and probiotics. I am hopeful. I’m working on getting myself back into avoiding the allergens like the plague, and from there I’ll add in the broth and probiotics.

And hell, I’ve come a long way already. I’ve figured all of this out: mostly on my own, and done all the hard work this far. I’ve lost 60 pounds and kept it off (had lost almost 100, but gained 40 back after birth), and I look damn good for someone that struggles through every day. I think I’m going to congratulate myself, so that I at least have myself on my side!

I’m sorry Western Medicine.

Dear Western Medicine, Doctors, Nurses, scientists, and all manner of other technicians,

 

I was already stuck in a mental loop, I refer to as hamster-wheeling, over writing this letter. I sat down to word press and found myself drawn to read 2 blog posts before commencing on this letter. Needless to say they only fanned the flames.

If you care to be informed:

Weeds Reads

and

Patient Caps

Now for what I already had been mulling over:

I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you. Western medicine, I am mad at you, very upset, and I’ve lost faith in you. I’m sorry if this angers and upsets you. Many of those that I have dealt with, that are supporters of you, make this blatantly clear. I am not supposed to express a dislike of your ways. However, I need to point out that this relationship we have; it’s like the relationship between a lying child and a parent. You can only be lied to so many times before you begin to dis-trust everything that is being said. I have definitely hit that point with you western medicine. Furthermore, I’m not alone in this, many are just like me.

Why, you may ask; it’s a long sad journey that brings me to my current reality. No longer trusting any tag line, any generic description or disclaimer, not trusting anything until I’ve read, researched, and talked with others in depth about it.

When I was 12 years old I went from sightly plump at 105 pounds to 168 obese pounds in about 6 months. My weight gain brought a deluge of bullying from kids in school. I became very depressed immediately. I was hearing my parents discuss my weight, my lack of signs of puberty, my father calling me a tattle-tale-little-bitch and then turning around and questioning my mother as to why I wasn’t menstruating. She took me to the doctor, and they tested my thyroid for the first time. Low side of normal, she’s fine, the weight is just probably a side effect of puberty and will eventually back off, she’ll also eventually start cycling- it might take several years for puberty to fully take effect, and the depression is probably just because of the tormenting kids at school. My mom believed it whole-heartedly and took the news to my father, who informed me I needed to suck it up and ignore the other kids and focus and lose the weight.

I spent the next year sleeping my depression off. That year I spent most days going to school, coming home and doing my homework, eating dinner and going straight to bed. More days than not, I slept 12 hours, still feeling exhausted and depressed when I was awake. That was the first year I contemplated suicide, dreaming of putting my head in the oven or taking too many pills. I decided if an option hurt, it was not really an option, because I was more afraid of the pain than death. Death was the solution to ending my current level of pain. By my 13th birthday I was up to 195 pounds.

The pain and depression continued. By the time I graduated high-school I was 265 pounds and at that point we’d moved 3 more times, and I’d been to 3 more doctors in 3 more states. All of them getting the same lab results and telling me the same thing. My menstrual cycle didn’t start until I was almost 17 and even once it did, it was irregular and excruciatingly painful. My mom would only say, “I don’t know what to tell you kiddo, I had the same problems when I was your age, maybe you’ll grow out of it.”

I went through college in like fashion. Same excruciating pain, heavy flow, exhaustion, and depression, often feeling like I was dragging a 1000 pound body around trying to get through my days. I sought the advice of yet more doctors, first private, then through the University of Iowa, then through the Iowa Cares public assistance program. I had my thyroid tested every time I saw a doctor. Hindsight being 20-20: probably because all of my symptoms pointed that direction. By the time I graduated from college I had seen a dozen doctors and was already being told I was borderline diabetic. Yet, no-one could help me fix anything. I finally went to a shrink, tried Zoloft, tried Paxil. All they did was give me dry mouth, I got more benefit out of taking B-complex vitamins and magnesium- that is, when I could afford them. The bathroom scale by that point hovered between 280 and 295. I was walking miles per week, as by that point I lived rural, and a rural square block was just shy of 4 miles. I did that 3 to 4 times a week. It never helped me loose a pound, but did help me maintain some sanity. When it got cold with winter, I fell, that was the year I almost drove myself into the pond down the street.

When I went back to school for massage I lost about 30 pounds and would hover between 250 and 260. I followed all of the advice I was getting in school. My diet started changing, more veggies, less carbs, lean meat only, cooking meals one day a week so that I could serve up measured portions for the fridge and freezer. I was taking supplements, I was meditating, and via school I was getting 3 massages a week, and giving about 20 massages a week- many deep tissue. All of those good habits and I could never drop below 250.  The depression came back with a vengeance.

I’ve struggled through another 8 years since then. More of the same. I tried Gerson Therapy, which by the way is not only massively difficult, but most western doctors call it quack medicine and the FDA and AMA will not let Gerson Institute set-up shop in the United States. Despite this opinion it was the best luck I’d had yet, enabling me to get back down to 240 and maintain, but I could never drop any lower than that, despite walking a mile or more every day while walking our dog.

I was exhausted trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I loose weight even when I was doing everything that healthy people were supposed to do. Strength was not an issue- I could pick my husband up, and he weighed as much as I did, and do 9 deep-tissue massages a day- though I’d rather not because it took all of my energy to do so.

It was shortly there after we were on an Amtrak train riding to my husband’s sister’s funeral. The funeral was very unexpected because she died after having what seemed like an anxiety attack in which the ER had blown her off as having such, after she died in the waiting area the pathologist never could tell us what actually killed her, but said it was “likely and aneurysm” (though he admitted he couldn’t find evidence of one in autopsy).  Anyway, on the train ride I had a conversation with a woman. The conversation lead to her story that eerily matched mine. She said she finally found a doctor in Colorado that had made some discoveries about thyroid conditions and iodine. She told me what she was taking and how much and what it was helping with. I was so very excited. I had something that I could try, and maybe, just maybe it might help.

After the funeral I went home, found the iodine from kelp and started taking drops in my water. It helped so much I could feel it providing me energy. I would literally get an energy boost 30 min after taking 3 drops. The pounds started melting off.by the end of 90 days I’d lost 45 pounds and got pregnant! Now mind you: I hadn’t been avoiding pregnancy for the previous 8 years. I found it amazing that 3 months of iodine could result in that much weight loss and pregnancy after everything else I’d tried. I simply couldn’t believe it at first.

The pregnancy made me though! When I got pregnant I started having real trouble with blood sugars, but only with certain foods. I was discovering food allergies, but the doctors I saw were not agreeing. They were essentially saying you are just diabetic, take the medicine and insulin and shut up. I kept pointing out with my pages and pages of logs that they refused to read that I could eat sweet potatoes or brown rice and be fine, but other foods were not ok and some things (regular white potatoes) would send my sugars well above 300. I was infuriated. I also pointed out the iodine enabeling pregnancy issue and all they could do was tell me I shouldn’t take iodine because too much would shut the thyroid off. They cited cancer treatments where radioactive iodine is injected near the thyroid to shut the gland down to allow cancer drugs to have more of an effect. I kept pointing out that supplement iodine is ingested not injected, thus taking longer to disperse through your body, and that it is a safer and more stable compound of iodine to begin with. I spoke of information I’d read citing studies where iodine had helped breast cancer and heart disease and intestinal disorders. I kept saying “If it’s so damn bad then why did it help me lose 45 pounds and get pregnant!!!!” They couldn’t respond with anything other than you shouldn’t be taking iodine. I was so infuriated that I told the doctors to eff off. Eventually, I finally found an Endocrinologist that would leave me alone as long as my numbers were good. I used him to be able to get testing supplies covered by medicaid, and that was it. I found a midwife willing to work with me- mainly because of my binder full of logs and blood-work. The midwife helped me finish the pregnancy in tip top shape, helped guide me with iodine intake, and helped monitor my diet and baby’s growth. I gave birth at home in an inflatable birthing tub full of warm water after 12 and a half hours of labor. My baby was beautiful, healthy, full head of hair, and a perfect 7 pounds 14 ounces. I couldn’t have asked for a better non-medical birth it was so perfect and easy! For a first birth I think it went spectacular. Don’t get me wrong there was pain- lots of it, but the water helped, and I had an amazing support team with my midwife at the helm!

100_1277

After birth I breastfed for 3 months while taking my encapsulated placenta (something western medicine frowns upon, but I am adamant that it helped me). About 2 months in I started to run out of placenta, spacing out the remainder, and the depression returned. By 3 months I’d completely run out and my breasts quit producing milk. I did everything I could to try and get milk production up: teas, frequent nursing and pumping (at the peak an hour apart), supplements, massage, nothing was helping. Finally, I had a massive fall off, and after almost driving myself off the bridge over the Missouri River, I went back to a doctor for help. Hoping that they would care enough to do something. They tested my thyroid again. My TSH was 80- astronomically high. Her solution was a basic dose of Levothyroxin- 1x per day. It was not nearly enough, and on top of that it had Red40 which causes my asthma to flare. So essentially I was getting less than 4 hours of thyroid relief, and then having to use my inhaler 3 to 4 times a day. When I brought that issue up, they just wanted to try Synthroid, which again I had no ingredient list, and no consultation on possible allergic reactions, and they were going to just do 1 – 2x’s /day. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

I went on OverTheCounter natural desiccated thyroid or NDT and told the doctor to eff off again. I increased my iodine intake, but the OTC solution was not perfect- I was still having some symptoms, and it was horribly expensive. Finally after much research and debating with friends, I finally decided to give another doctor a try. This time I went with a referral from a friend and paid cash. He allowed me to try NDT based on symptoms, but said he needed to do blood-work to make sure I didn’t go too far. It’s still very expensive at $265 for 90 days, but it has virtually fixed things.  Finally, at this point I’m mostly OK. I still have dips, induced by my allergies- I’m having a hard time with having enough willpower to eliminate all of my food allergies now that I’ve given birth. It seems making decisions for 2 is the deciding factor for me. I’m tired of hurting and having dips though so I’m working very hard to find that willpower again, and at least now I know what to look for to know I’m starting to have a dip, and I can compensate.

Regardless, doctors have not helped figure out the allergies- I did! Doctors did not figure out the hypothyroid, I did. They didn’t even help sufficiently when I had the really bad fall off after birth, I had to increase using OTC on my own! They haven’t helped with my willpower or desire to fix things, that is all me too! They didn’t help with the depression, they slapped 2 drugs on it and when neither worked all they had for a solution was lets try another. They haven’t done anything for me except cost me hundreds and thousands of dollars throughout my life. They didn’t even get me through a pregnancy safely because when they wouldn’t work with me and acknowledge me as an intelligent person, I found a midwife that would!

Western medicine has failed me time and time again over 22 years, yet I’m supposed to trust it.

I am supposed to believe them when they give me a vaccine with a very vague disclaimer that says “in rare cases persons may have reactions to vaccines, and in very rare cases reactions might be fatal”. Who determines what rare is? What reactions happen when not fatal? Why don’t I get to see actual numbers, especially for each type of reaction? Why, because they don’t even keep track. They might tell you that it’s 1% of the population, but that is based upon the study results, not actual real life occurrences. Even if it was an accurate 1% of the population, 1%  of the United States is currently 3,233,954 people, and of the World it is 731,956,752. I’d hate to be one of those people. And even at 1% that’s a crap ton of people that are “OH WELLS”in the grand scheme of vaccines or any drug for that matter. We are not people: we are numbers. And someone else determines what is a safe risk or not, and no one is concerned about creating any kind of guideline for any drug or vaccine that will help determine if you are going to be in the  “OH WELL” list or the “OK” list. And forget about allergies, good luck asking for ingredients. The doctor didn’t consider my allergies when prescribing the Red40 laced Levothyroxin, I didn’t even get the ingredient list on the first fill. I had to ask for the ingredient list on refill, and then  I had a month’s prescription I didn’t want to take because I knew the Red40 was what was causing my asthma to flare.

And speaking of vaccines, I was given the ultimatum when I suspected I might have either a tetanus infection or a severe allergic reaction that I take the vaccine to receive treatment. If I didn’t take the vaccine I wasn’t going to be treated for tetanus. They didn’t give me the ingredient list even though I asked for it. They didn’t give me details or numbers, only that vague risk description I stated above. And after the injection, then they gave me the breathing treatment and antibiotics. In reality, to cure tetanus in modern medicine they could have skipped straight to the breathing treatment and antibiotics and never touched the vaccine. And that is if tetanus is known to be the infection, they never actually tested me to find out if it was tetanus or allergic reaction. Yet, I was given no choice other than take the vaccine or walk out of the hospital and risk not living.

In my experience, any time that someone is willing to cut corners and avoid disclosing information– it is for a reason!  It doesn’t matter if it is a divorce, business deal, trade transaction, product marketing, or medical concern, if information is undisclosed they are hiding something.

In my situation I feel that vaccine caused my already severe allergies to get worse. I have no idea what all was in that vaccine, but I’ve had worse allergies ever since.

I am educated, I know 3 things:

1) Vaccines are intended to force your immune system to work, in effort to prevent illness due to a specified disease.

2) Allergies are your immune system over-reacting to inanimate objects in your blood stream or body, be they food particles, pollen, mold spores, dust particles, or chemicals.

3) Vaccines have many more ingredients than they used to, and many ingredients are completely unrelated to the effect of the vaccine at all.

This is an ingredient list for some tetanus vaccines found on :

Vaccines.procon.org

 26. TD Vaccine
(tetanus & diphtheria)
PROPER NAME
COMMERCIAL NAME
(click for package insert)
MANUFACTURER
PACKAGE INSERT DATE
GROWTH MEDIUMS & PROCESS INGREDIENTS VACCINE INGREDIENTS
(not in order of quantity; see package insert for quantities)
Tetanus and Diphtheria Toxoids Adsorbed For Adult Use
DECAVAC
Sanofi Pasteur, Inc.
Mar. 2011
Mueller and Miller medium, peptone-based medium, extract of bovine muscle tissue,formaldehyde, ammonium sulfate thimerosal, aluminum potassium sulfate adjuvant, residual formaldehyde
Tetanus and Diphtheria Toxoids Adsorbed For Adult Use
TENIVAC
Sanofi Pasteur, Ltd.
Dec. 2010
modified Mueller-Miller casamino acid medium without beef heart infusion, formaldehyde, ammonium sulfate, modified Mueller’s growth medium,aluminum phosphate, 2-phenoxyethanol, sodium chloride aluminum phosphate, residual formaldehyde, 2-phenoxyethanol, sodium chloride, water for injection
Tetanus and Diphtheria Toxoids, Adsorbed
Mass Biologics
Feb. 2011
modified Mueller’s media(contains bovine extracts),formaldehyde, ammonium sulfate,aluminum phosphate aluminum adjuvant, residual formaldehyde, thimerosal
Tetanus Toxoid
Sanofi Pasteur, Inc.
Dec. 2005
peptone-based medium,formaldehyde, ammonium sulfate, physiological saline solution thimerosal, formaldehyde
Tetanus Toxoid Absorbed
Sanofi Pasteur, Inc.
July 2005
peptone-based medium (contains extract of bovine muscle tissue),formaldehyde, ammonium sulfate,aluminum potassium sulfate (alum) thimerosal, physiological saline solution

Why is it that I have to look this information up online after receiving the offensive vaccine, and it is not provided in the office in which the injection is received? I don’t even know if the vaccine I received is one of these or another that is not listed, they gave me that little information on it. I believe that is wrong, especially since I requested an ingredient list while sitting there trying to decide what I was going to do.

Regardless, what all of this boils down to, is less about the physical and more about the interpersonal and legal. If any one of the doctors over the last 22 years had listened to me or my mother and actually put forth effort to help me, I may have never spent 22 years in pain and battling depression. If any one doctor had stepped up and really cared about the depression as a symptom I could have had real lasting treatment. What if I had lost the battle to depression? Would anyone have cared or even known that it was a medically based issue? Or would they be doing what people did with Robin Williams and other suicide victims. It is not selfish when your brain is malfunctioning and misfiring causing the depression and resulting suicidal thoughts. Robin William’s wife has come out and stated he had Lewy-Body, that is the same if not worse than Thyroid related depression. My heart goes out to him and his struggles, especially knowing that Western Medicine doesn’t really care about fixing the problem if they can continue to milk you for your money. Yet, society repeatedly called him selfish. If you only knew what it was like to be in that place you would never utter those words. Depression is not selfish, when you are the one dealing with it, all you want is out and when no-one can help you out, then you are left facing the fact that death might really be the only way out.

That’s interpersonal, that is a real issue that is being ignored. Then legally, doctors are allowed to over-ride decisions made by people if they decide it is their prerogative to do so. Doctors can decided for you if you are treated, how you are treated, what you are treated with, and if you decided you don’t like their choices they can make life hell for you or your family, or you simply have to start over and find a new doctor. I think that is wrong. Be it a cancer patient choosing not to do chemo, a parent choosing not to vaccinate, a depression patient begging for real solutions instead of randomly trying any one of a number of psych drugs that may not solve the problem if depression is merely a symptom (as in my case), or a patient wanting a drug that will solve the problem without creating another through allergic reactions (Levo). Patients, or in children’s cases- parents, should have the final decision, and ALL of the information should be provided to make an informed decision.

I am literally begging for western medicine to hear me, because the real problem is that I want western medicine to find solutions. I want to have a trusting relationship with western medicine. I want to believe that doctors really do care about me as a person and not just the numbers of my labs or the numbers I represent statistically. I know that if I broke a bone or had a heart defect, western medicine could step in quickly and effectively and fix that problem. But that is where my faith in doctors stops. I’ve worked on too many people that have had 3 and 4 back surgeries to still have pain.

I currently work on someone that had a car accident 5 years ago. She’s had 3 back surgeries, had both shoulders worked on and then replaced, both knees worked on and then replaced. Yet she is still in massive amounts of pain and unable to function normally. She’s loosing her teeth, loosing her hair, can’t turn her head more than 30 degrees to either side, yet she still has faith that the doctors will find her some healing. I’m doubtful.

I want western medicine to quit milking the American people and find real solutions. You are telling me that in 100 years we’ve gone from steam engines and no electricity to computers that can speak and listen and are the size of your hand and make phone calls. But in that same time the only things we have definitively done in healthcare is perfect mending bones and removing/transplanting organs. We can’t cure most diseases, because even bacteria are becoming resistant to antibiotics. We have multiple diseases (diabetes, asthma, heart disease, COPD, AIDS, and a variety of Cancers/Leukemias) that are so unsolved that they have moved into the realm of permanent money makes for Western Medicine, that is unless the patient dies from the disease. I’ve known people that went into remission with cancer 3 times before finally ceasing to live through the treatments. I know someone now that has type 1 diabetes from a childhood illness, and she’s had an insulin pump for as long as they have existed, currently spending $1500 a month for her insulin and other diabetic supplies. It is wrong. I want medicine to work, I want doctors to listen to their patients and care, I want medicine to fulfill it’s promises, I want medicine to care about people not numbers and money. Medicine is supposed to “First Do No Harm”, well, I think it’s failing at that.

I am obviously very passionate about this issue, and I’m sorry if you don’t agree with me. However, I find that most people that disagree with me have never had any significant issues to deal with. They haven’t spent 22 years trying to solve an invisible problem. So in a way, I’m happy for them, and I hope they continue to have such wonderful health. I just wish they would understand why I feel they way I do, and quit trying to argue with me that western medicine is great. It’s only great if you don’t really have anything invisible to deal with. If it’s a bone, or an organ that needs repaired- they’ve got you, you’re good to go. Otherwise, it’s a hopeless battle to figure it out on your own and hope you can find one anomaly of a doctor to agree to let you try what you want.

May you all have wonderful health, and never find yourself in a 22 year long hopeless battle!

Share!

I’m  seriously going to share with you all the progress we’ve been doing,  but I need a solid hour to just type. Something that is increasingly hard to find for  me these days.
So in the mean time,  check these 2 things out:

1st thyroid progress:

The Scandal: Thyroid Patients are Speaking Out, Wall Street Journal, and a new video!

Then,  I went to find a quick solution for lotion/oil because I forgot my good bottle at home when leaving for work this morning.  I stopped at the dollar tree on  the way to my next building,  & opted to get plain canola oil because the lotions they carried had all kinds of crazy ingredients.  One:

image

Had nonoxynol-9! According to Wikipedia it’s a surfactant that happens to have spermicidal qualities.  I would argue that development was the opposite.  It was originally developed just to kill sperm to be put in personal sexual lubricants.  Just because it happens to be a surfactant,  does not mean it should be in regular body lotion!  Needless to say, I opted for the plain canola oil because even if it’s GMO (likely), there’s fewer risks than the chemicals in that lotion!

One day

I’m riding,  Nathan is driving us  to our route.  The song  “One  Day” by Matisyahu is playing  on the radio.  How appropriate for my life,  especially these days.  The line “sometimes in my tears I drown”, but then looking to the future,  “one day, I’ll be waiting for it”. Wow, this  is where I know I’m not alone.  We’re all struggling something fierce.

Each struggle is  different,  but each valid.

   I told a friend,  in my world view-  I feel I was lied  to… things were supposed to be great and wonderful. When life is hard:  you wonder what the hell went wrong,  what did I do?  When in reality,  it’s just life.  If someone had told me that you’re going to have a long hard  road,  with a few  wonderful moments- somehow that would have  been better for my brain.  I wouldn’t have spent (still spend some) days beating myself up for failing repeatedly. Because,  I swear: if one more person tells me to “fake it til you make it” I think I’ll *go postal*. 

I’ve spent 20 years putting on the #brave face, smiling & pretending everything was ok.  I’ve worked many customer service jobs,  where you can’t do anything else.  If you are grumpy,  angry,  snippy or  any other kind of short with a customer,  you loose your job. Just because I’m now self-employed, that doesn’t  go away: contract bosses & clients don’t care if you’re having trouble, they just want their services- in a timely fashion, & done well.

So,  I’d say I’ve mastered faking it, otherwise I’d  either been fired multiple times over,  or constantly been told I should seek counseling.  Which,  BTW, I have: when I could find  the resources to make it affordable.

In this “Great US of A” our society finds it easy to pass judgement & tell us what to do,  but no one tells you how you’re supposed to be able to afford such things, or really how to solve the problem- truly. The one time I was able to see a psych on  a sliding scale fee,  they wanted to just write me a script & send me on my way.  They saw me a dozen times over about a year,  I went through 3 scripts, none helped.  Of course,  now I know how much my thyroid is at play in my depression. Why did the psych never test my thyroid? Oh, wait- at that point a dozen MD’s already had- and STILL didn’t do anything. I was low side of normal.

Yep, normal,  that’s what I call involuntarily morbidly obese,  depressed 90% of the time, suicidal more  days that I’d like to admit,  and so tired that many days I slept 12 hours or more & still felt exhausted. So much for doctors being able to diagnose more  accurately than anyone else.  Did I mention I figured out the thyroid stuff on my own? I took that as far as I could with OTC resources before anyone took it serious. It’s been almost 3 years since I figured it out,  & I’ve had a script for it less than a year.

However,  just because I now have a script and a doctor willing to work with me,  doesn’t mean it’s automatically solved. Thyroid issues are a huge puzzle involving hormones,  nutrient absorption & utilization,  and related endocrine processes such as adrenal function. A puzzle that isn’t cheap to figure out.

So for instance,  I got my new script about a month ago,  & worked up to 6 gains a day & was good for 2 weeks.  Then out of no where I had a mild bout of pancreatitis.  We think maybe a mild viral infection.  In taking it easy on my pancreas I didn’t eat much,  didn’t take any supplements,  & cut my thyroid meds way back to 2 grains a day – it all balanced out for a sold week.

Then suddenly Friday all went horribly wrong.  I fell hard,  so exhausted I couldn’t stop crying.  My husband made a bath for me to try & relax,  & even after taking 3 grains, the bath seemed to contribute.  He had to physically help me out of the bath & help me into pajamas & bed- at 8pm. I woke somewhere around 11 because my heart  was pounding frantically with a long pause occasionally- like my heart was sighing. I was so out of it I wasn’t sure what to do, so I only took 1 grain & went back to sleep.  When I got up in the morning Nathan validated that my symptoms fit with a thyroid drop, so I took a double dose. 

Since then I’ve been taking the 6 to even 6.5 grains a day,  & I’m just starting  to get back to normal. Of course, it’s only been two days since that horrible drop. My theory is that my thyroid is attempting to function better,  & when my adrenals get riled  (fighting an infection) it kicks my thyroid back up. Hence why I didn’t need so much medicine. But when the adrenal function fell back down, post infection, it was like the lights getting shut off. I was screwed because I couldn’t tell what was happening because logic went out the window first- brain fog is horrible because you think you’re ok,  just a bit slow or off, when in reality you’re missing everything important.

The reason I’m guessing is because I simply don’t have to resources to do the testing  to know for certain. Obama care,  aka affordable care act,  is anything but.  My policy is free to me being  low  income,  but doesn’t cover anything until I’ve spent $13,000.  An oxymoron: low income,  but fork out 13 grand before we cover anything.  Of course the next policy up I could get for $60 a month,  but that’s what I had last year,  & I still spent a thousand dollars on doctors and scripts for me and Nathan. So I opted to skip the monthly bill & just know that anything I do, I have to pay cash for.

So, the blood testing is simply not in that plan. The full thyroid panel alone costs $250 each time it’s run,  & if your thyroid seems to be fluctuating,  you have to do the blood draw every time it seems to shift to know exactly how it’s shifting. Then the nutrient panel cost is about $400, & there is an additional iron panel that tells you if your body is using the iron that’s being absorbed. Then there is the gender hormone panel (tells  you how much estrogen,  progesterone,  & testosterone- which do affect thyroid function), then there is the adrenal function/hormone test.  All in all I could drop  $1500 just for the initial work up, & several hundred dollars for the tests that might be contributing to fluctuations.

Things would be solved much faster with that,  but it’s not impossible without it, so I’m opting for the affordable trial & error. Especially since I have such a desire to have a real home, that I’m doing the trailer rebuild. Can’t put all of your measly resources into two giant costs at once.  Have to pick one.  My theory is if I can get the home done, then if I fail at solving my health I’ll at least have someplace I enjoy to spend the rest of my days on earth. Hopefully it won’t come to that,  but it’s the worst case scenario that led the decision.  Of course what didn’t help:  hearing  this week of 2 famous people that have spent millions going to hundreds of doctors chasing cures over years worth of time. I don’t  have the money,  time, or resources to do that,  so if I can’t solve it on  my own then I’m just screwed anyway.

Here’s to planning for the worst & hoping  for the best! Cheers!

How are hands God- a segue on my beliefs.

So that’s me, last Saturday, having a good time playing disc golf with Nathan and a couple of friends of ours. It was unseasonably warm, and despite not having enough sleep, and still not having nailed the dosage of NDT, actually enjoying myself for a little while. These days, it seems a rare occurrence for me- not by choice, but because of brain/body chemistry and life experiences making it very difficult to find some happy.

Nathan has made me quotable on many occasions, but the one that speaks to this most is: “I feel like I’m 33 levels (my age) into a 100 level game (most people don’t live past that age). I have no idea what I’m doing, what the point of the game is, and I’m loosing, except that I seem to have an infinite number of ‘lives’ just to prolong the torture, because I want nothing more than for the game to be over.”

I was born into a blended faith family. Mom was Catholic, Dad was Mormon. By the time I was a freshman in High School I knew neither was for me. Ridiculous rules, boring services, and things that I just couldn’t fathom intelligent people believing. At that point I’d been to a Methodist church, a Pentecostal church, a Quaker church, and Lutheran church. Baptists scared me too much to even bother, and the others didn’t seem different enough to investigate. I’d started reading Buddhist texts, and in school we were covering mythology, and honestly there were elements of both that resonated with me, and the rest wasn’t any worse than the christian options. I didn’t really label myself though.

By sophomore year I’d made new friends (we’d moved into that school the year before) and one of them claimed she was pagan- a witch. I asked her how she came to that decision, and she said she’d been reading books and found one she felt fit. I said cool- can I read some of them. I just wanted to see what it was about. I got into the 3rd book, and there were many elements that started to feel right. It was a woman discussing a her journey and how pieces of religions felt right, but the whole of any didn’t. She started discussing Wicca and it’s history, and how it was pieced together by its founders based on just that premise. Putting the right pieces together to make a religious puzzle fit the practitioner. That really resonated.

After much reading and a couple years contemplation, I decided I was what was termed an eclectic-solitary-pagan. Simply, my beliefs tend toward the pagan spectrum because I don’t agree with the Singular-God-Head, and I eclectically pull from several religions to make my solitary puzzle fit.

That worked for years. Worked- being the operative word. It doesn’t really anymore.

Here’s why.

I’ve seen and met others that have had miracles in their lives. So those must exist right- and some deity must be responsible for miracles- right?! There are stories all over the globe in many different religions with many different deity structures- of Miracles- yet I’ve never experienced one. And OH, I’ve asked, and begged, and pleaded, and prayed hundreds of thousands of times over.

I’ve done Magic a few times for sure, and a few others on a maybe level.

“Magic is the art and science of creating change in conformity with will.”

– Aleister Crowley

By that description of Magic, the Law of Attraction is Magic, and I know I’ve managed to attract myself a few things. Though, I seem to be great at attracting more of the same, like the time I replaced a dead van with a battered and beaten but running van- out of thin air. I’ve also done pagan style magic that worked, like the time I spun enough energy in High School to encourage a job offer for my Dad out of nowhere. He was so surprised when the company he thought was a flop called 2 days later to offer him a job with wages he couldn’t refuse. But, that is not how everything works.

If so, why can’t I make bigger, more important changes in my life. Why haven’t I been able to break 30 grand a year despite numerous attempts in 3 separate fields of work, 2 with educations behind them. Why haven’t I been able to manifest a beautiful home and nice cars- I’ve done numerous things to invite those into my life. Vision Boards, Prosperity Journals, Gratitude Journals, Meditations, Mojo Bags, Candle Magic, chanted with prayer beads, drumming circles, energy work, I’ve even painted and drawn pictures with my own hands of the things I would most definitely love to have. Nothing, Nada, Zip, Zilch, None.

Yet, I’ve had psychic experiences that tell me the spirit world is real. I know for certain that I have communicated with people/spirits/energies that were either deceased people I knew of, or were at least referencing those people. It’s hard not to believe that, when you have tingles flood your awareness driving home from an event, and you see your husband’s ex’s deceased farther clear as day in your mind’s eye. It was like a dude I barely knew jabbing me all over trying to get my attention, I knew it had to do with the Ex, but wasn’t sure what. A month later she told us she had cancer. She’s now deceased, and there’s been twice now I new she was trying to tell me something- what I have no idea. I just knew she was nagging me from the dead. How in the hell do you tell a dead person that you never liked them when they were alive, and please go the F- away?! Then there was Sarah-  I thought for certain that name belonged to my unborn baby, and she was trying to help me figure out the blood sugar-allergy puzzle when I was pregnant. Surprise- baby was a boy, I named him Ian. So who the hell was Sarah?

Yet, my life still -generally speaking- sucks. Meditations help, but only briefly. They simply bring enough calm to endure the miserable circumstances of daily life a  bit longer, and make it to another meditation. Without them though, I’m certain I’d have truly lost my battle with depression long ago.

So, despite knowing that there is a spirit side of our Universe, and knowing that Law of Attraction/Magic can help sometimes, I’m left with a sinking feeling that whatever is out there doesn’t really care about me. If he/she/it/they did care about me and my miserable existence, there would have been a miracle or several miracles at this point. You’d think that if I mattered I’d at least have my health and mental facilities restored. Heavens know I have prayed at least a million times for help, knowing that in those moments I was crazy and my brain wasn’t working right. Knowing that I was on the brink of loosing myself for good. In those moments I didn’t want a million dollars, a new home, or a shiny car. In those moments, I only wanted sanity, mental health, physical health. Do I have that yet? NO, not truly- what baby steps I have taken in that direction were all my efforts, all my research, all of my educated guessing, all my own actions.

So, at the end of the day, I don’t really know what that makes me, or what classification my beliefs currently fall under. All I know is that whatever divine is out there, most likely has written me off, and that the only good in my life literally has come from what my own two hands have done. So in my life- My Hands Are God.

Finally it’s here!

Just got home, & Voi La: my medicine is finally here! Just in the knick of time.

At lunch I took another round of OTC bovine thyroid & iodine.  Again,  not ideal,  but better than nothing right.  Maybe, maybe not: my feet became swollen & felt like they were on fire, I was as fatigued as ever,  & as my work day came to a close my legs stated cramping & my heart started hurting.

I took the first dose of my new prescription  as soon as I got the box open,  & 30 min later I began feeling relief. It was almost as though something cool was traveling through my veins,  providing relief.  As I wrote  this,  my left foot is still uncomfortable, & there are just remnants of chest pain. 

I have suspected that the OTC desiccated  thyroid,  which is from bovine sources, may  be higher in T4 than prescription grade porcine thyroid.  Mainly because it gives me many of the symptoms of Levothyroxin, including hot flashes & anger, but not necessarily the symptoms of excess or hyperthyroidism like itchy hives.

I wondered if any of my sources had specifically addressed this,  and though I didn’t get that exact response, I did find an interesting article explaining why T4 vs T3 can still leave a hypothyroid person in big trouble. Here: I follow Hypothyroid Mom, & she filled in a gap in knowledge for me.  My heart pain was literally my heart begging for T3, & not getting it,  despite taking all my OTC stuff.

So now I know that I am probably not converting T4 to T3 well, & should be looking at my T3 levels much more closely. Another piece of  the puzzle coming together,  but so many more to go. Like, will I need a script for just T3?

I was just thinking earlier  today that the wonderful thing about ignorance is that you have no need or desire to examine the causes, let alone find any solutions for anything you are dealing with.

My thyroid journey began with a ride on  an Amtrak train,  meeting a woman who had a story uncannily similar to mine, same weight problems & depression cycles for years.  Telling me she met a doctor from Colorado that discovered a new type of hypothyroid that was being missed by most doctors because  traditional reading of lab results.

Though I don’t remember details of that conversation well,  I do  know it is what spurred me  to try iodine,  which literally got the ball rolling for  me.

The downside of coming out of ignorance though is that you are suddenly thrust into a giant puzzle of cause,  effect,  & searches for solutions.  Not  only do you now have a desire to figure some things out,  it brings your attention to the problem so clearly that you need to figure out the solutions as fast as possible to avoid intensifying the anguish and misery of your own predicament.

This also occurred with allergies for me.  Growing up I always had allergies,  as long as I can remember anyway.  Having to get shots to make it through the fall.  One year mom paid nearly a thousand dollars for a round of skin prick testing.  Results: several pollens, mold spores, & male cat dander. No problem right,  take your allergy  medicine,  avoid the triggers,  & you should be fine- ignorance is bliss- sort  of!

We never had male cats,   & during my worst seasonal allergy periods,  my mom would keep me in air conditioning & prevent me from doing any yard work. Religious,  she was, about making me take my allergy medicine too. With all of  that, I essentially spent my entire adolescence with stuffed up runny  noses,  red itchy eyes,  & many sinus infections.

Finally,  when I was a freshman in college,  I read an article about how many people with unending seasonal allergies,  really are experiencing a full body auto-immune allergy overload because of dietary allergies. I had no idea it was possible,  but instantly bells went off and all I could think was “is this why mine never go away? ”
Yanked immediately out of  my comfortable ignorance,  I started examining things I was doing,  working   with,  & eating to try & determine if that was truly the case.

It was months until I definitively found one – the first to be obvious was Red 40. I noticed every serving of food with it was followed by asthma symptoms.  The more Red, the more asthma. Good bye.

Then rye, it caused bloating something fierce, & all manner of What is NOW called IBS. Good bye.

Then it seemed like things were mostly better.  I quit searching.  Until,  that is, I got pregnant- thanks to the train lady suggesting Iodine,  actually working.

Pregnancy,  as many women know,  amplifies any issues you may have. Brings them to the surface and forces you to deal with them one way or another.

I was determined to have a healthy home birth,  so that meant hard work, & quickly.  Blood sugars, led to food journals. Journals led to patterns- allergies presenting.  Essentially every time I ate an allergen,  blood sugars spiked. One doctor finally admitting that allergies are  an immune response,  a stress on your system,  and any stress of  that sort will spike blood sugars. He admitted that might be the case,  only because I would have high readings & low readings with the same number of carbs,  & high readings were only with certain foods.

Knock out those foods: corn, potatoes,  tomatoes,  green peppers, wheat, & soy. Suddenly,  I can eat as much as I want all day long.  So long as none of those are in the mix.

Obviously,  I got my healthy home birth,  & happy healthy baby.

I fudge now & then,  but I’m learning that’s not such a good idea.  Even though wheat  isn’t my worst allergy for symptoms,  it sure makes controlling my thyroid harder.  Do you know how many things have wheat in them? !
Essentially,  if I stick to my allergen list,  I can’t eat hardly anything that comes  pre-packaged. Most gluten free items contain corn or potatoes,  or  both.
So,  behaving means: lots of salads,  home  cooked everything,  making my own sauces and dressings,  mostly veggies,  quinoa & Brown or wild rice are ok, & lots of fresh juices & green drinks.  It’s a lot of work – & most definitely not cheap!  I wouldn’t wish my plight on anyone,  yet I know I’m not alone.

I have my beliefs on the cause of  this whole mess called my life,  but they’re controversial,  so I’ll leave that for another day. Just know if you are reading this & resonating or “feeling” what I’m saying – you are not alone.  We’ll get through this together.  For now,  at least I have desiccated  thyroid,  & a doctor willing to work with me to find the best dosage, and/or solution. I hope you all find at least that piece of your puzzle.

Challenging Week

This post is a bit belated.

My last couple  of posts noted my struggle with hypothyroid symptoms: that hasn’t gotten any better as my mail order script still hasn’t arrived.  Tracking info says it’s  supposed to come in today. My husband is keeping a close eye out for me.  I think if we didn’t have 3 cats & a toddler,  he’d probably just leave the front door wide  open.

He’s tired of the mood roller coaster,  especially after last night – I got very upset (angry)  because people started talking  politics & affordable care act,  & it was all I could do to hold my tongue. It’s a whole ‘nother topic for another blog later, but essentially one side was like it’s not enough,  & one side was it’s too much,  & I wanted to scream – it didn’t do anything except ensure insurance companies made more money. My husband has  a pre-existing condition,  & yes  we technically have insurance that the government pays $600 a year on my behalf,  but it covers nothing – it’s catastrophic only. I have to pay out of  pocket for everything we do,  & apply for assistance from the drug company that makes his meds because I can’t afford $1000 a month for them. Anything I can’t pay cash for I either have to beg for them to be written off, or  eventually they go to collections. Affordable Care did nothing because neither side of politics can agree to compromise with the other,  so everything gets butchered!  ARGH!

On top of that, I’ve been fighting a head cold/sinus infection all week, & it’s not bad enough to warrant the costs of a doctors visit.  Regardless,  we did go out & do some more demolition & deconstruction on Sunday after our route. 

Weather was nice,  made it into the 50’s, but very windy. For some reason wind always seems to make my colds worse, so I was miserable by Sunday evening.

I still had things to do & some work Monday,  & then Tuesday morning,  so by the time lunch rolled around on Tuesday all I wanted to do was sleep.  So I did. … until Wednesday when I had to get up & function again.

I still feel exhausted,  but that’s life in America.  Somewhat sick,  exhausted,  too bad – get your arse to work.

On the up side, demolition (despite feeling crappy) went well.  We got everything but a wall & half down.  The trailer is almost one big open space. This is good because, I’m hoping to get the last wall & half down next week,  along with removing ceiling & exterior wall paneling & all the old insulation.

I’m not sure if I mentioned it before,  but this trailer is from the 70’s, before regulations regarding asbestos were put into place. So,  I have to assume that the insulation likely has some asbestos in it.  If I’m going to do all this work to make it a quality home, then it means replacing the insulation too.

Luckily Nathan already had a mining grade respirator from his past photography work,  so I bought one more for myself- those things aren’t cheap, by the way.  Once we get to insulation,  Anya  will be kicked out of the demo process. She’s all classic pre-teen with “awe,  but I wanted to help :(” and I said “That’s great,  but I don’t want you to have lung cancer in 15 years just because you wanted to help”. She  said fine.

So anyway,  we’re still all excited: for now!

Here are the pics & comments on them.

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This was the starting view from what used to be the living room – with my new to me Jacuzzi.

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On the right,  that’s the only whole wall yet to be removed. 

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Me enjoying some sledging.

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Anya taking out the kitchen counter!  😉

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What’s left of the bathroom.

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The view from the empty corner,  at the end of the day – apologies on the composing toilet/porta potty- no walls means getting to see it, but at least we have a viable potty break location.

Did I mention this is a BIG project.  Keep those fingers crossed for us!