Tag Archives: I can do it

In other news….

That picture is soooo not me, I don’t have a picture of me working out! Perhaps I should fix that!

Anyway, to start, my stress triggers recap: house hunt/purchase attempt(s), Equifax mumbo jumbo, mortgage application, frigid weather, sinus cold, my dad’s state of being, hormones, relationships/moving-on from pointless hopes, kids being kids…

Yeah: I think that’s most of the ones I’ve talked about of late.

Now add to that my brand new shiny computer had a glitch from a recent Microsoft update, and the resulting frustrations over not being able to work on my dome designs. I had really hoped to have a significant amount of that completed to show here by now, but alas it will have to wait until the glitch is resolved. I won’t have Sunday time to do that until after Thanksgiving, but I very much look forward to the results when I eventually do get to it.

I am slowly chipping away at the process to become a continuing education course provider. Currently I’m on the portfolio/curriculum vitae. It doesn’t seem on the surface that it would be a big deal, but organizing 15 years of applicable skills into the format they are seeking is a bit tedious. So that is not completely done yet either, and I haven’t even started writing my courses. I projected 6 months when I decided to commit, and like all cases, my estimate may or may not be entirely accurate, but I will eventually complete it. One step at a time, as my schedule allows.

Finally, because of all these stress triggers, I’m feeling the need to burn it off – quite literally!

Except when I’m smack dab in the middle of a stress-trip with a spice cake right in front of me, I have little to no appetite. I’m still eating, but finding it easier and easier to stick to healthy items in very small portions. That’s a great thing! Especially since I’m officially eating vegan now; no grains, no meat, no dairy, no soy, no nightshade vegetables; except that darned piece of cake!

Then, I have a strong desire to move nearly constantly. In between clients I am finding myself pacing quite a bit. I’ve also been taking every opportunity to go exercise. Being it’s been so much colder, nearly all of my workouts have moved inside. I’ve been alternating between the Planet Fitness across the street from work and the YMCA near home.

I have been lifting 2 to 3 times a week, except this week because my cold caused a missed day. I do use the dummy-proof machines since I’m not working with a trainer or spotter.

As for cardio, I am still getting at least 40 min of speed walking via treadmill 4 to 5 days a week, I aim for an hour when possible. I fluctuate between 3.8 and 4.2 mph on the treadmill because I so enjoy matching the beat of the music I’m listening to. This last week though, I’ve been working with incline more, to push the cardio aspect a bit. It’s that or run, and I really don’t enjoy running…. ¿Yet!? …. Will I ever?

Anyway, I just wanted to share my progress with my readers to show you really can do anything you want. For me, that just means a little of everything.

My current lifts are all weights based on 3 to 5 sets of 10 reps at a time. I do 2 sessions, with the second hitting 5 sets, before I raise the weight by 5 pounds again. Last week I had a day I pushed a little too far or too fast and I really felt it for a couple days afterwards.

  • Leg press 205
  • Leg extension 85
  • Seated leg curl 90
  • Inner thigh (Adductor) 110
  • Outer thigh (Abductor) 110
  • -Glute extension 70 (I haven’t actually done this one recently so it may not be completely accurate.)
  • Back extension 140
  • Abdominal (curl- arms up) 85
  • Abdominal (curl- arms front) 80
  • Rotary torso 80
  • Lateral raise 55
  • Shoulder press (I just learned this is also called military press, and it was one I had backslide on poorly, I’m part way back up.) 30
  • Tricep extension 55
  • Tricep press 65
  • Biceps curl 30
  • Lat pull down 70
  • Seated row 65

I haven’t been good about logging my times weightlifting in the health tracker- mainly because I log the pounds and sets in a different app and forget to duplicate it, but here’s my average steps and calories views.

I’m not seeing the results myself yet, but several people have said I’m looking better these days. In my pregnancies, that stage was 2 to 3 weeks before I actually noticed changes myself. Besides the scales have not budged, they still stay between 220 and 225. Merh.

I welcome all of you to share your progress in the comments as well. I’d really love to know if there’s anyone out there that I’ve inspired in any way, or encouraged to persevere through their own struggles. And there’s always room for commiseration in fitness journeys!

May you all have easy stress free times. May you have great work-outs with plenty of support. May you find you only desire the calories your body needs. And finally, may you see results of your own hard work.

Siva Hir Su

A Brief Exposé

Preface:

I’m going to intention to be somewhat vague here. I’ve noticed overlapping patterns in my manifestations and resulting interactions with others. I intend for this post to apply to as many of those overlapping situations as possible.

First and foremost:

“Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here.” ~ “Hayling” by FC Kahuna

I have come to rest for the moment in a place of acceptance of myself as I stand. I’m seeing my power and abilities and yet evaluating whether I wish to push the envelope or just allow myself to be for a bit.

I woke hurting this morning, a combination of allergic reactions from Anya’s birthday celebration, and physical fatigue from having done a dozen very-deep tissues this week. Yet I managed to push through and find genuine gratitude that at least I’m feeling it.

There are people living in this world that are unable to feel their arms and legs and would appreciate the discomfort of my aches this morning.

That acknowledgement in combination with something that crossed my path yesterday led me to a realization that I had attracted myself an onslaught of people unwilling to express their gratitude for me in any meaningful way. I literally saw how several people in my recent history (last 5 years) probably did care on some level, but convinced themselves for whatever reasons that they could not align with the action or resources which they knew would convey that most effectively. As a result I’ve parted and chosen to move on the best way I can, but lingering hurts cross my mind on occasion.

So here I sit feeling confident in my current endeavors and abilities, a new fuller knowing of myself, but slightly hesitating. Knowing that as I move forward I wish to attract people and experiences that honor myself better.

That means I must start by honoring myself better.

You see, the Law of Attraction is just that.

Like attracts like.

I could not have attracted those people and experiences if I had not held myself in that particular alignment.

Extrapolation:

“Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused.” ~ “Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics

I have been abused in my lifetime. Repeatedly in fact, and in multiple ways: physically, mentally, and emotionally. In turn my abused mind and body, unable to handle the hurts, reflected them back at those in my experience. I became the abuser. Not as severe as my abusers were, but abuse I delivered none-the-less. I knew in my heart I could not let that continue and prayed for help to change myself. I prayed that I might be forgiven for my indescrections. My least desire of anything in this world is to be abuser or abused.

I have been used in less abusive ways. Simply being an employee is, in a way, being used. However, because of my history with abuse, many of my being-used situations reflect a similar negative consequence. I see that my dream of Atira would in a way require that I use others. However, it is my prayer that I find a balance where I can utilize others in the best way possible, and while honoring their gifts as best as I am able. I want my having to experience the flip side to be full of as many positive consequences as possible. That means if I am to have employees I wish to compensate them properly. That means if I’m to utilize volunteers I wish to honor them fully and treat them accordingly. I want to teach people that honoring each other and ourselves is a way of honoring God.

Despite being one of my favorite songs, what “Sweet Dreams” fails to sing about is all of the other options.

I wish to love and be loved.

I wish to honor and be honored.

I wish to serve and be served in the name of God.

I wish to respect and be respected.

I wish to care and be cared for.

I wish to share and be shared with.

I wish for intellectual and emotional equals to experience this give take world with as partners and companions. Where we can all reach for better.

Full-Circle:

“I wished for you too.” ~ Practical Magic

I attracted you, with my attention to my desires and my sloppy habits stemming from hurt. My mixed bag brought you into my experience.

Yet, you must admit that you are equally responsible. You aligned in the exact same manner. You focused on your desires, but missed your sloppiness from your past.

You see we are equals, carrying the same level of blame.

I suspect you felt that you were better than I. That you could manifest things better, or that you were smarter than I, more connected, more esteemed or somehow more gifted. In your hubris you aligned yourself with idiocy and in a way became the abuser.

Your lack of humility, your inability to reach for better took us out of alignment.

You see, I seek those willing to admit we’re all equals here on this Earth stumbling through and learning how to reach for better and improve ourselves. Those willing to move mankind toward a brighter future. Those willing to take responsibility for their actions, offer apologies when necessary, and reach for honoring themselves and others better. I acknowledge that none are perfect, yet in our imperfection lies our greatest gifts.

I know you saw my intelligence, my strength, my reserve, my determination, my extra large size, as well as my extra large energy. You saw my fortitude, my resolve, my ability to endure and persevere. You saw my gifts and talents and my inner beauty.

Yet, your sloppy habits brought to your attention my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. I pushed your comfort zone and set a high bar. I challenged you in ways you obviously were unable to handle, which took us further out of alignment.

So now I can revise what I want, need, and desire.

I seek someone with equal intelligence, strength, reserve, determination, and energy. Someone with fortitude, resolve, ability to endure and persevere. Someone with gifts and talents and inner beauty. Yet someone humble enough to acknowledge that all of that exists in me and many others as well. Someone open minded enough to handle my strangeness, my unique views and my very unorthodox beliefs and unconventional ways. Someone willing to allow themselves to grow through experiencing me fully. Someone able to have constructive conversations even when beliefs diverge. Someone able to convey their preferences while still exploring the unknown or perceived contrasting experiences. I seek someone willing to love and be loved. Someone to honor and be honored. Someone willing to serve and be served in the name of God. Someone willing and able to respect everyone and in turn be respected, to care and be cared for. Someone able to share and be shared with.

I need for those someones to be able to take responsibility and share their gifts to commit to not just my family, but to building Atira. You see, I don’t just need money for Atira, I need people, hands, help, specific knowledge that I would rather utilize in others than begin to learn myself. Atira will fare far better, actually become a success, if there is a group, a poly family, willing to share the work load. I seek those people.

I have thought about each person that had previously aligned and subsequently misaligned with me. If further alignment was genuine, accompanied by equally genuine apologies, and foreseeably maintainable, then I could potentially welcome them back.

At the moment I have no evidence to the possibility of that, and suggestions, mere hearsay, to the contrary. Yet, I’m going to leave room that it might be possible. However, I’m not going to hold my breath, because I know the universe will provide what I desire regardless. It has so far, I was just sloppy about maintaining my alignment, and THAT is where I know I can and will do better.

May all of my readers take this to heart and find and maintain their alignment. May you all have those in your life that honor, respect and love you for being you. May you heal your hurts and move on successfully. May you find a way to make your dreams happen.

Already on the bus.

So I’ve finished reading “The Energy Bus” and realize now that I’ve already gotten my bus going. It’s been a slow start, bumpy ride, with a few breakdowns already, but my bus is generally pointed the right direction and moving.

Really I’ve been driving my bus for a while, but just need more focus and helpful passengers

I have my committed passengers, in for the full ride- my family by marriage and by giving birth.

I have my semi-committed or part time riders, people in my daily and work life that are generally as helpful as they can be, but can’t necessarily stay for the whole ride. Sometimes they’re on and sometimes they’re busy on their own bus.

I have at least one passenger, maybe 2 or 3 that I’m hoping are like the character Michael. Where they removed themselves, but ultimately come around, and end up finding themselves wanting to make positive changes too, and join my bus again. That would be nice, not just for my bus, but for them- their state of being- and because it will validate messages I got what seems like forever ago. May we all master only feeding the good dog.

So far I’ve already ejected a few of what was termed “Energy Vampires” from my bus, and there’s one big one that needs to go yet. Fortunately, those from my biological family have mostly removed themselves from my life, so that’s one less hurdle.

With all that being said, this book leaves me acknowledging I have steps to go yet.

I have used this blog to write about Atira many times, but it’s scattered through multiple posts and partial posts, and I’m not sure I’ve ever reinforced the entirety of the complexity of that to those on board my bus, even if part time. I think it would help to get more concise with my desires, vision, and focus so that there is one document I can reference. Maybe even to give them copies.

I still have a ways to go to ensure I’m only feeding the good dog, and fueling my bus with positive energy. I have the basic idea, but have some practicing to do to maintain it, because I do let fear and stress get the better of me frequently.

Also, I totally spend too much time worrying about people that don’t get on my bus. I will get better at acknowledging maybe it’s too soon for them or they have other reasons for not joining my route. It’s not personal to me, it’s personal for them and their journey.

Additionally, I still have a ways to go on demonstrating my own enthusiasm and love. I already do both, but often allow myself to be easily deflated, especially when my efforts go unnoticed, unacknowledged, or unresponded to. Then once I’ve been deflated, I definitely still struggle to get back up and give another go.

I also need to find my purpose in everything better. It’s easy for me when what I’m doing is part of my vision for Atira, but much much harder when my task-at-hand is seemingly unrelated. That is evidence of not fully knowing that “everything happens for a reason”. I must trust more and find how everything relates. How does what I’m doing fit with my journey and fuel my bus.

Lastly, a huge must: start having more fun and enjoying the ride more. It’s not that I don’t at all, but I really succumb to stress easily. I’m latching onto the books’ phrase “you can’t feel stressed when you feel blessed”. That is my biggest new goal. To be “too blessed to be stressed”.

With that I wanted to share the list of rules the book went over:

And finally, I wanted to share an Abraham Lincoln quote (below) from the book that really resonated with me. My life journey fine-tuned to that direction after the online stranger woke my dreams up in me. I realized I may fail, I may never actually get there, but giving up all together- ignoring who I’ve become- is far worse than failing. I must remain true to who I am and where I’d like to go, if I’m to ever find consistent happiness and have any chance at all of possibly making it there. I want my light to shine bright from here until my dieing days.

Again, thank you for hanging in with me and joining at least the written part of my ride. I sincerely hope you benefit from my words in one way or another.

3rd Trimester is Kicking My Ass

Well that and life in general. It seems everything has been piling up and I’m beginning to wonder when that improvement I’ve been working so hard to find will actually start manifesting physically. It’s mainly why I’ve not written for over a month, I knew I didn’t have much of anything nice to say and I also was having trouble finding words that would be helpful to anyone.

I’m going to glaze over the life part to get to the something that might be helpful to others.

My birthday party that Nathan and Hannah threw me was great. I got to see and talk to and hang out with people I haven’t seen in ages, and the restaurant they chose made allergy free food for me. It was great. The following day however, I fell off the bottom of the emotional scale. That’s happened a couple of other times of late. I’ve worked too much, slept too little, exercised too little, then when I tried to compensate for the missed exercise, it made matters worse. I missed the sun (and other people), I’ve been stressed to the max, and that’s just the normal stuff. I still haven’t even touched my taxes, and now have an impending deadline. Then Pregnancy threw in an extra curve ball that compounded everything.

Third trimester hit the end of January and problems started with massive hives twice in a row. I immediately thought of my allergies (I originally wrote about here and go into detail here) and acknowledged that I must be hyper hyper sensitive due to 3rd trimester hormones, especially since both bouts were triggered by Thai food. I thought, clean up my diet and all would be well. So much for that….

My midwife has asked me several times if I was ever diagnose with PCOS and I explained that when it was brought up as a possibility it was before HCA/ACA and I was uninsured, so the necessary blood-work and ultrasound were forgone with a “that’s probably your problem” from the doctor. Additionally, later I found the improperly diagnosed thyroid issues, I talked about here (and to a certain extent here).

So, the latest puzzle hitting at the third trimester with the questioning on PCOS from my Midwife got me thinking hard and working effortlessly over the last 2 weeks to find a solution. Yet, sometimes you have to figure it out on your own.

I went back to my most preferred thyroid resource and went digging through the piles of information there. This Page led me realize that I had swung really high on thyroid response and was having many of the symptoms of Hyperthyroid, though not consistently, and fortunately my blood pressure was least affected. I began to wonder how much of my hives was allergies and how much was hyperthyroid. I immediately backed off of anything that was originally intended to help counteract (low) hypothyroid issues. It didn’t immediately fix the anomalous blood sugar spike I was having in the morning in correlation with the racing heart-rate. It also didn’t solve the hives immediately. I continued to itch.

I then questioned some of my choices intended to help with milk supply since that was a trouble area for me with Ian.
My midwife had encouraged me to use progesterone cream because not only was I low on Progesterone in first trimester, but it would help build healthy breast tissue. However, I remembered (and double checked) that progesterone can be used to raise low thyroid function because at one point I used it for that very reason. So I nixed the cream knowing that it would take a week or more to level out and quit altering thyroid function. I also questioned whether or not the 2 supplements I had added right at 3rd trimester were contributing. Mainly because I had added Holy Basil right before the first outbreak of hives, and Goats Rue right before the second outbreak. Both are intended to increase milk production, but it was plausible that the hormone shift induced by the supplements could have contributed to the hyperthyroid swing. So, I decided to nix those as well in hopes that if they played a role, my woes would quickly resolve.

It did begin to help after a couple of days, or so it seemed until I had a couple of more blood sugar spikes. In closely examining my food choices I discovered that I had literally had minuscule amounts of dairy and soy in correlation with the spikes. So, regardless of the severity of the thyroid concerns, I was indeed intensely hyper reactive to my allergies. FRUSTRATING. A double whammy.

So I started looking and found a couple of pages about the play between PCOS, thyroid, and 3rd trimester hormones. Here is one of them.  My frustration then became, OK- I’m not alone with this problem, but this site didn’t give a solution. I know that a regular doctor is going to do 2 things: offer medications, and insist that I not do home birth. However, I have gotten so far without significant issues that I simply couldn’t give up this late in the game. So my quest continued. I looked up things to do for insulin resistance and found this page, which was all things that I had done in the past, and some of them I had been slacking on. Yet another thing to work on.

So for the last week, I’ve done mostly fine, one oops.  However, it has been very, very difficult.

What it looks like:

52 hours of work & some of  every stress reducing technique I know.

SMALL Meals or snacks every 60 to 90 min.

Testing my sugars 8 to 9 times a day to make sure I don’t go too high or too low.

Drinking almost 2 gallons of liquids a day between: water, coconut water, cider-vinegar water, and green tea. Throw in the occasional plain unsweetened almond milk to help not completely hate life.

Daily Supplements Drastically changed: Taking 18 to 20 cinnamon (3-4 of which is right as I wake up), 7 bitter melon (1 at wake up), and 6 to 8 Glucose Optimizer, all for blood sugar control. The upside, the rest of my supplements dropped way off (with the removals for thyroid concerns), down to just my usual amounts of magnesium, fish oil, turmeric, and half of the RDA gummy vits.

MY food menu also drastically changed. So much so, that I cry over it frequently. My safe list is so tiny I’m miserable.:

PLAIN meats, PLAIN nuts, PLAIN veggies, Blueberries (small quantities), Simple salads with literally 2 dressing options (they were the only ones I could find that didn’t have any traces of an allergen), and Real dark chocolate that is low sugar and 100% dairy and soy free (that’s like 3 choices BTW). Garlic, onion, parsley, cilantro, turmeric, and peppercorns seem to be my only safe seasonings. Even a store bought broth based vegetable soup had something in it that I reacted to, and I would have thought it safe based on the looks and conversation with the deli clerk (my guess was maybe traces of either MSG or peppers).

I’m sick of looking at plain everything and it takes me forever to eat a handful of nuts because of my over-exposure. Yet, I’m so close, I must keep trucking.

My biggest hesitation is I told Nathan that after I give birth I’m likely to quit eating. I’m so over food, but according to the one site about PCOS and late pregnancy hormones- it was  implied that if I go off of the diet too soon, I’m likely to end up even worse off. I simply can’t handle that. So, if I get too sick of this protocol by birth, I’m likely to just quit eating and go on an indefinite liquid fast. I really keep hoping that my miracle healing takes place. Beyond that I told Nathan that IF I have any other children, it will be a long, long while away. I need to invest serious time and resources to healing my body before I put myself through this again.

Hopefully I can heal my body enough to reset to at least what I had with Ian, before having another child.

I really wouldn’t even contemplate another child if it weren’t for those damn visions I had with the boy. If he was merely a representative place holder in my visions for someone else, then it explains the inaccuracies, but it means that one more baby is likely in my lifetime. If the visions really were accurate and he’s coming back into my life at some point, then I’ll definitely end up pregnant one more time. Either way, that one more time will not only need to be far, far into the future, but it will also be my last. I can say with certainty that be it damage from things in my life, or genetics, my body was not intended to carry more than 3 children, regardless of how much I might want more. So if I end up with more children it will be by other means. C’est la vie.