Tag Archives: improvement

Alone in my Gardens

YouTube notified me of this song after I had spent all day digging in dirt alone:

It fit very well. And I did need that time. It was overcast and cool, but I really needed the nature and peacefulness. I know I’m an empath, and sometimes my junk is literally having collected everyone else’s stuff. Sometimes it’s my own. Sometimes it’s a blend of both. Regardless, digging in the dirt or being in nature is soothing to my soul, as much as art or music are.

So I spent literally all day doing Gardens. My body hurts as much as ever, but my mind is calmer. I sat to eat dinner having gotten all but a few seeds in the ground. The simple act of consuming a meal brought my motion to a halt. I no longer desired anything but sleep. Except that I recognized how sore I was and deemed a bath as necessary before sleep could be accomplished.

I dumped 4 pounds of Epsom salts into the tub and now I soak. 30 min, maybe a bit longer in as hot as I can tolerate. It will soothe my sore muscles enough to function this week.

It was worth it though. My gardens will be beautiful when they grow. I got 9,000 steps just moving back and forth through our yard. Hoisting bricks and cinder blocks. Moving sticks and rocks. Not to mention all the dirt that I carefully filled every bed and planter with. The seeds was the easy part at the end of the day.

I planted fern bulbs gifted to me by my retired massage therapist. They had sprouted quite a few runners, so I stretched them out to cover a long section along the back of our house. It’s off the side of the porch in a narrow trench of dirt between the sidewalk and the house. They’ll be perfect there.

On the other side of that same sidewalk I constructed my favorite-easy-cheap cinder-block planter. It’s the second time I’ve done this large scale, and both times I used found cinder blocks. The universe loves me, because not only were there enough cinder blocks to do that, but there were enough bricks to pave the dirt between the planters. No more muddy mess.

We also put lots of grass seed down to try and fix the rest of the muddy areas in the yard.

So far I have several different mystery flower bulbs left by the previous owner. I have Rose bushes planted by the previous owner. There is lots of the dark ivy ground cover (not English Ivy). There are a few shrubs I can’t identify yet, and some kind of perennial plant that is sprinkled about- I think some of them are volunteers, but I’m okay with that.

Then I’ve planted gladiolus bulbs, fresia bulbs, Iris bulbs, anemone bulbs, tigridia bulbs, renunculous bulbs, zennia seeds, bachelor button seeds, marigold seeds, Daisy seeds, cosmos seeds, lettuce seeds, spinach seeds, kale seeds, broccoli seeds, cauliflower seeds, cucumber seeds, chard seeds, okra seeds, several varieties of bean and pea seeds, chive seeds, white onion seeds, red onion starts, and cabbage starts.

I have one big circular planter left, which has some of those mystery plants in it, but around the mystery plants I’m going to put our zucchini and squash seeds. There’s also the oval planter which has volunteer violets in it right now, but will get herb seeds ASAP. We will have quite the gardens when they sprout and grow. I very much look forward to that.

With all of that I’ll leave you with pictures of my handy work. May you all have calming, grounding time to soothe your soul. May you have beautiful gardens or the ability to enjoy other’s gardens. May you feel safe and supported by the universe. May you stay healthy and have joyous days. May peace be with you.

Siva Hir Su

Relief again.

I’m 95% of the way through my thyroid storm. I only feel the painful heart skips or speeding occasionally. My mood has stabilized. My thinking is more clear again. My headache comes and goes, but is gone more then present.

On top of that we had our housewarming gathering today. I bought enough food for 2 armies, and half of one showed up, so we’ll have tons of leftovers. Plus, I was pleased to see some faces considering a few days ago my thyroid storm had me believing no one cared.

It was a good first gathering in our home. I look forward to many more.

I didn’t take any of my supplements today, wanting to make sure I stayed down in normal range. Now to just find the balance where I maintain the thyroid sweet spot again. I went a year and a half doing pretty well with no medication, so now I have a reminder to keep doing what I was doing. I know the best path and I just need to stick to it. I get better at that every day, and considering I fell into the hole of my brain hurting enough to think about suicide, I climbed back up very quickly.

May last bout of that was right after Katherine’s birth and it took 2 weeks to wade through the crash to even come close to normal. The same period after Ian was born took 14 weeks after acknowledgement that I needed help. So more like 16-18 weeks from when I fell in the hole. This time it was right at a week from knowing something was off, to falling in the hole, to successful climb back out, and that’s even with stupid people taking me for granted as get laid quick schemes, rejecting actual relationship possibilities.

I’m giving myself huge kudos on that shift, that improvement; especially since I had only Nathan’s encouraging words to help me. No one stopped me, no one told me what to do, not one person figured it out for me. AND I did it all when my hurting brain was telling me it was easier to throw in the towel and just kill myself.

I literally just kept flip flopping between those scary thoughts and convincing myself that it was solvable and I just needed to regain control for the sake of my husband and kids. Once the storm calmed just enough, I was able to start attempting to analyze my previous actions to try and figure out what led up to the storm. Now I am fairly certain I know what led up to it and what to do to get into my sweet spot and maintain it again.

5 years ago that was impossible. I couldn’t even regain balance without help and was at the mercy of band-aid pills controlled by uninvested doctors. Now I have knowing, I have data, I know cause and effect, and I’ve won the battle enough times I’m now getting more efficient at winning. I may not have healed my body, but I know how to manipulate the dysfunction enough to maintain my stability.

Stability itself will eventually allow for healing.

The one moment I am clinging to is what I said to Nathan standing in the shower bawling my eyes out. I still believe it even if I’m not certain of my ability to allow it: “Love is supposed to fix the things I can’t fix by myself.” In the moment of tears I thought I was crying because I believed wrong. However, now I see that I was crying because I was doubting a true internal belief. I hold that belief so deeply that even a little doubt feels absolutely horrible. So it must come to pass. God is just waiting for me to do my part and the rest will fall into place.

Thank you God for helping me find my solutions. Thank you for helping me see the rediculous for what it is. Thank you for talking me out of my hurt and desire to give up. Thank you for giving me Nathan and his supportive kind words. Thank you for helping me fix what is wrong, and I do know you’ll help me find healing if I get out of my own way.

May you all have moments of clarity and healing. May you all find your solutions. May you all sense God’s guidance. May you have easy roads. May you respect yourself and others, especially when fighting battles like mine. May you feel better faster and more efficiently.

Siva Hir Su

One step further.

After my last post I did 2 more massages and felt very draggy. It was an additional puzzle piece, noticed by a text conversation with my husband.

It seems I keep noting, through fatigue, a desire to not be the strong one for a bit. I just want someone else to be strong for me for a while. That whole someone rescue me for once.

This desire though seems to be the trigger tripping all of my weaknesses. They are now running rampant in my brain and I need to clear them out again.

The acupuncturist asked me what was wrong and I simply glazed over things with “struggling with my self-image”. She replied “ah to be a woman”.

So between the damn hormones of my gender and my own personal mix of hell, I have quite the mess.

I know my thyroid is skirting the uncomfortable side of high. I was trying to compensate for gluten and dairy, and managed to swing to the other extreme- without medication. It manifested yesterday in feeling a little high, like slight marijuana exposure, but without that herb. Today it has been anxiety and heart palpitations, especially during the workout.

What I don’t get is how I’m running high and still feeling exhausted. Except that I’m horribly overdue for a day of downtime. Tomorrow is mostly that. Restful sleep would also do wonders as my fitness band has not tracked any significant deep-sleep in days.

So for now, I pray that God help me be strong and get some rest, and balance my thyroid again. And I will continue to battle the weaknesses with Abraham techniques.

The one resonating right now is the flip. It’s where you acknowledge that if it feels bad then it is the opposite of what is in your vortex. So by acknowledgement of that you can then reach for something in proximity of the divine version. I’ll start by apologizing for a few of my hindrances.

So:

I’m sorry for needing anyone’s validation. I’m sorry that I lost sight of my inner being for a bit. I’m sorry I desired the condition of others showing their attraction to me, or their love for me. I’m sorry I needed to hear someone say I am beautiful. I’m sorry I forgot what it is like to feel beautiful. I’m sorry I was needy and blinded by negatives. Please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

Now:

Being down about my beauty means that God sees me as beautiful in every way.

Feeling ugly means that I really am beautiful.

Feeling like no one, or only Nathan finds me beautiful, really means that many people find me beautiful. (It’d be nice if they showed it or told me, just sayin’, not a requirement, just appreciated).

Feeling like society standards are unreachable means that somehow they are.

Feeling like I’m pressured to slice myself to meet those standards means that it’s not the only choice.

Feeling like I need to meet those standards really means that God doesn’t expect that and appreciates me exactly the way I already am.

That does feel better. I have a long ways to climb. So, I will acknowledge you get the idea and I will do the rest in my brain, followed with a couple/few rounds of mantra meditation.

It seems my days cycle like this in a much faster loop. I’m not sure if that is a good or bad thing. It just is different than my past.

Fall on something pointy, acknowledge the problem, reach for solution, work towards solution, feel better, repeat. I’m certain that people around probably think I’m crazy, but based on Abraham teachings technically I’m on the right track. It just seems to be a bit of a harsh cycle for me. Abraham swears it gets better the more you do it. I look forward to that.

May you know you’re not alone. May your thought journeys go easier on you. May you feel beautiful and loved. May you know your worth in God’s eyes. May you see your own beauty and worth. May you have a gentle ride and the easy river. May solutions flow easily into your experience. May you have the support of others in your experience. May you climb all of your beliefs up the emotional scale. May you feel your connection and know it is guiding you toward better. May you easily regain that viewpoint when you falter.

Siva Hir Su

More thought correction

More words, attempting to convey feelings and processes I’ve been working through. A continual effort toward self-improvement. A continuation of the last few posts.

I’m trying to do what this song speaks to:

I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

Still figuring out what God and my inner being want to be/feel loved. So far I have figured out the following.

  • I like being shown genuine appreciation and attraction, but I have been lied to so much in my life I’ve begun to believe everyone is lieing to me. Plus knowing I don’t fit the standard of beauty (by a long shot) makes me believe I am just receiving lip-service when I am told I’m beautiful.
  • I love loving and being loved, but I’ve lost so many people whom I loved, that I’ve begun to cut myself off before I get hurt. I’ve also been afraid of letting new people in at all.
  • I like being given money or gifts of any kind really, but I’m so afraid of not knowing how, or being able to repay it that I hold it off. The one exception is massage tips because I know they are a gift of showing ones appreciation for a job really well done, and I’m not expected to repay them.
  • I like knowing that I’m doing better financially, but I’ve had to work so hard for what little I do have that I’m afraid that everyone is out to get me, take advantage of me, or rip me off. I honestly thought that someone I loved was being manipulated enough that they or the manipulator wanted to make me pay- extortion. In reality I can see that they might have thought I was attempting to do that level of manipulation, and they were just trying to protect themselves.
  • Because I constantly feel others emotions, but don’t always understand their origin or reason, AND they are most frequently from the more negative spectrum- I have begun to assume that people are lieing to me, that there’s no love, and that I should distrust everything.
  • Putting elements like these together has caused me to cut 3 people off which I care very much for. I hurt them accidentally and now I’m afraid of making things worse.

1) Why does all of this unravel in such a way that everything is excruciating and progress is slow, not to mention the painfulness of realizing you have it all wrong and have to start over again and again?

2) I know we’re not here to get it done, or fix anything, but sometimes the solutions are so complex or hard to find that it seems like a never ending goose chase. I wish that some of these belief puzzles were less taxing on my system and easier to solve.

3) I keep “returning to the essence” to forget everything for a bit, but it always wears off. Why doesn’t my stupid brain learn better and let go of all of it in a more prolonged way!

So I love… (Without the fears and hang-ups).

  • Gifts and money being given to me.
  • Being appreciated and having people express what they find attractive about me.
  • Being loved and loving others.
  • I enjoy being appreciated.
  • I like knowing my finances continue to gradually improve.
  • I prefer feeling with understanding. I prefer experiencing that with positive emotions.
  • I prefer knowing my ability to feel combined with my intelligence is what keeps me safe. I love feeling safe and protected.
  • I enjoy being held, especially in strength which encourages the feeling of safety.
  • I love having conversations where I get to learn more about someone I care for.
  • I love being creative.
  • I love finding solutions.
  • I love finding and maintaining peace.

May you figure out your hang-ups easily. May you find your solutions. May people be forgiving of your mistakes. May people be genuine, truthful, honest, and caring when sharing thoughts of you. May you find the believing place where you feel a knowing of their truthfulness. May you find and maintain your peace. May you feel the love. May you find a way to make things right. May you allow your own happiness.

Siva Hir Su

Callibrating to well being.

Someone read a post of mine recently-“Damned if you do, damned if you don’t” (stats gave me the post, but readers are anonymous except for country of origin). It was from 2.5 years ago, during a very rough patch when I had just conceived Katherine. Rereading the post myself I realized how much further I have come.

As I’ve said many times before, I’m not perfect, but I am aiming for better. I am reaching for improvement daily. I still don’t understand everything, but I do appreciate that I am, generally speaking, in a much better place.

Last night I felt relief when I was able to christen my home office by treating Nathan to a real massage. I fulfilled a promise made 45 days ago. It was long over due, being his last actual massage was nearly a year ago, and when he finally sat up he thanked me. He said, that’s why your clients love you, you turn them to jello. He never really regained brain function, going to bed about an hour after I finished the massage. I knew I was successful in getting him to really relax.

Today I was fortunate enough to spend some of my usual work day with my kids at the homeschool Valentine’s Day party. It was good fun with lots of sugar, running and screaming. I had given kids allergy medicine before leaving, but I wanted to set a good example. In a nearly 3 hour window I stuck to mostly fruit and had 3 bite size cheesecakes (sans crust). Not perfect, but far from where I have come. I literally had a conversation with myself when the addiction started nagging. I told myself to walk away because even though my mouth loves it, it’s really hard on the rest of my body.

Nathan again was there by my side congratulating me. He reminded me of how many of those functions I completely failed and that several times I only made it 15min. Not only did I nearly make it through, but my cheesecakes were the least addicted item I could have chosen. I literally picked the least detrimental option.

I’m so getting there. One little increment at a time. My body may or may not ever show the changes I’ve made, but I’m proud of my small miracles of accomplishment. I feel so much better every time I have a win like that. I wish that for everyone.

I will keep reaching for my well-being, I will keep calibrating to better. For me MC Yogi has been a lifesaver, especially his track “Ganesha (Sound the Horn)”. I keep replaying several of his tracks to stay buoyant, but one line from that track has become my own mental mantra: “Return into the essence and set yourself free”. It literally lifts my vibration just repeating it over and over in my mind. I am utterly grateful for that.

May you all find your magic mantra. May you all feel moments of personal success. May you all experience the little miracles at work. May you have your moment of known improvement. May you find what you seek and be solution oriented. May you acknowledge your self and express gratitude to yourself when you have the little wins. May you genuinely appreciate yourself and your divine connection.

Siva Hir Su

No time to get down.

I’m on a wild goose chase trying to figure things out about myself. There is old programming in my brain that needs rewriting like a computer, and I’m just not certain how to accomplish that.

My intuitive input told me to look at my early childhood as that is where programming started. I just wasn’t sure what I was looking for so I sent my mom an email to ask. I simply asked her what she remembered from when I was about two years old.

This was most of her reply (I cut some unrelated info):

I got you a big baby doll for your 2nd birthday. It was almost as big as you. Dad got fired from his job, I was working at a nursing home, we got into the moble home based on my income only and moved to Randolf acres. I worked overtime so that I could buy you the green turtle sand box. I thought dad was going to kill me. Literally. There were two little girls living across the street. You played with dolls with them and in the sand box. Your oldest brother had been sharing the little bedroom with you. He slept on the top bunk. He left for the Air Force and then you had the room to yourself. Your other two brothers shared the bigger room until the second oldest went to Coast Guard Academy.

I think you were happy. You were healthy at that time.

You were a “Cookie Monster” at two. You would sit in your high chair with your hand up and open and close your hand wanting animal crackers. If I ran out you would drive me crazy till I got more. You were around 3 1/2 when we moved to Indiana.

You used to talk to an imaginary friend but I never knew who it was. I thought it was because I worked nights and your brother was at school, and you were lonesome. You would line up all of your stuffed animals and dolls and play school. You were past two then. More like three to five. You watched Bob Ross and all the other artists on TV and drew and colored pictures. One of your favorites was a lady who did old barns and rural scenes and she always had a cat somewhere in the picture, sometimes hidden in plain site.

Thank you Mom. 💗

After reading her email I saw the pattern of repeat, at least where it started.

I find it interesting that Nathan is unemployed (though his is health related and my dad was career related), and I have spent most of my working the last 8 years in nursing environments. I have also repeated the overtime to make ends meet/provide a few good things for kids, and especially the buying a home on my own. Even things such as kids sharing rooms and a turtle sandbox. I find it interesting that our repeat moving/changing-homes pattern is also similar to the pattern of my childhood.

Although I don’t feel like Nathan is going to kill me, sometimes I feel like the situation and all the hours could. Yet I keep pushing myself, striving to keep reaching for better. Then I have moments where I just wish to throw in the towel and give up. I have enough, I don’t need anything else for this lifetime. Then I acknowledge that my extended chill-out times only get me so far and usually end up in financial strain.

Additionally, somehow reading mom’s comments on being a Cookie Monster, makes the allergen addiction (dairy/grains) less of a pressure knowing it started when I was that young. It’s easier on oneself when trying to break an addiction, if you acknowledge something that’s been happening for 36 years, is not likely to be broken overnight. I will simply keep asking for only things which are good for my body to be present. That is the best way for God to help. If I’m not presented with addictive options then it’s easier to say no. I do still need to reach for some self-control though, or I’ll find myself going to the store to replenish them. That’s the hazard of being an adult with means to do so- yet usually I’m not that person.

And my not-so-imaginary friend. What’s his purpose? That’s at the heart of it all. Why did he leave and come back? Why didn’t he help me figure out solutions to the programming before it became such an ingrained problem? Though I appreciate my mom’s acknowledgement of his existence, it leaves more questions than were answered in those regards.

I’m hoping that eventually I’ll build my dome home and we’ll stay put for the rest of my life. If I ever make it that far, a lot of the other elements will also change. Yet, I’m concerned that since my kids are all in or past the age range of my initial query, that they now have the same programming. That is super frustrating.

Anyway, the bigger picture is that there is indeed detrimental programming in my brain, which is impeding my personal growth. When I contemplate trying to solve that connundrum I keep cycling back to how computers are handled; especially since I’m familiar with several very influentially smart people referencing the human brain as being like a computer.

From my rudimentary knowledge there are options involving both software and hardware.

To me hardware options for the human brain/body would be something like lobotomy, brain damage, or a new body. Plus perhaps options I’m not aware of or don’t feasibly exist. None of those are realistic or desirable to me. Enough said.

However, like Windows 10, sometimes software upgrades are not compatible with existing hardware.

So, I perceive that I need the brain software upgrade that is compatible with my existing hardware but propels me to better function and speed, just like in a computer. Something that allows the positive forward movement in the most efficient way possible. That which creates less distress and frustration because the cogs are spinning. Less hourglass waiting, and more efficiently being productive. Less stuck, and more financial growth. Less hours worked, and more income brought in. More time to play the games like when I was a child playing school or watching painters.

Yet I need this software upgrade in the most efficient way possible as well. In computers you can uninstall and reinstall better functioning software. Or you can simply overwrite software with the upgrade if they are similar enough. I’m honestly not certain how to accomplish either with my brain. Plus, even in computers you often find glitches later where old programming wasn’t completely overwritten and it can hang things up.

I feel like in some ways I did manage to override the old to a certain degree. A house instead of a mobile home. Fewer kids, and the determination to keep it that way. Being more fiscally responsible as the mortgage company put it. Keeping debt low and working with cash mostly, only using credit enough to boost our scores back up. Working primarily as a contractor making my own schedule and earning my own business contracts through my own dependability and skill. Pushing myself to think bigger and reach for better.

But even with these changes, I’m essentially doing the same thing slightly better.

Abraham speaks of some leaps being too large to handle and if you attempt too large of a leap it can cause horrible problems (lottery winners that end up destitute) or death. I definitely don’t want that. But I do want a larger improvement than I have managed thus far.

I want the kind of noticable shift where even people that don’t know me very well notice. Like when your employer upgrades computers when you’re gone and you come back and you’re like “OH, that’s different!”.

I suppose if you’re reading this and know computers well, is there a suggestion? Do you have any hypothesis on how to override old programming in the human brain?

I know the slight adjustments I’ve already made were a combination of pretending when young, and meditation as an adult. I know that’s part of the key, but feel like there’s more to it than that. That there are other pieces to the re-coding of brain software. I just don’t know what they are, and how to maximize their effectiveness.

So, may you all experience a realization of your growth. May you all find easy software upgrades. May you all find the personal growth you seek. May your life improve in all ways. May we all be supported by God and understand the unseen better.

Siva Hir Su

Some rest found.

I’m doing a little better today. I took a nap when I got home and then had a good night’s sleep after a healthy dinner of salmon and green beans. I did realize that much of my aches and energetic gunk was people I worked on. I think I seriously need a day in nature to detox from everything I’m collecting from clients, young and old.

I’m just not sure how or when to accommodate that because every day that is conducive to being outside weather wise, I’ve worked or had to work. Last Sunday was the exception and I did spend time outside raking leaves, but it was our back yard, not secluded woods away from people and civilisation. The latter is what helps me detox everybody’s energetic connections and clutter.

Additionally, my magnesium absorption seems to be down despite taking a calcium supplement. I’m not sure why, but I’m definitely getting the classic leg cramps of magnesium deficiency. I told Nathan I may need to switch to a different Mag supplement for a while. Just another puzzle piece to figure out.

This morning I was greeted with several interesting notifications from the great HAL otherwise known as Google/YouTube. There was one in particular that stood out having the color trigger I mentioned a few posts ago: red, black, and white. I’ll share the link below, I liked the song, loved the cinamatography, and the message resonated. I find myself apologizing to myself all the time about not having time, just as the song said “I’m sorry I just can’t waste time.”

Perhaps that is my biggest fallacy, but every time I do waste time in the name of finding joy or comfort for myself it ends up biting me in the arse in other ways. Usually because very important, time sensitive things get forgotten by others. Everyone relies on me. It just is I suppose, another challenge to add to my list.

  • “You were not born to get it done.”
  • “You were not born to fix the world or anyone else for that matter.”
  • ‘There will always be desire, something to reach for, improvement to seek.”
  • – Abraham Hicks quotes

Anyway, perhaps you’ll like the song.

Since I’m working so hard to find some energetic lift, some improvement, I thought I would take a moment (more for myself to visualize everything, than for you as reader) to list good things about myself. I’m that person that is very critical of myself and often need to focus to remind myself there’s anything good there.

  • I’m a spectacular massage therapist.
  • I’m a decent construction worker/handy woman. Anya commented after carpet laying: “Is there anything you can’t do?”
  • I’m a mediocre psychic, but intensely accurate empath. (I feel all the emotions and body aches, but don’t always know/understand their existence, why someone feels the way they do. I miss the fine details.)
  • I’m a decent flautist and pianist, and mediocre at another 9 instruments.
  • I’m a good artist.
  • I’m an okay gardener.
  • I’m a great organizer, and housekeeper/maid.
  • I’m a good business woman, and dependable contractor.
  • I’m a great low budget interior designer (our home will look like I paid big bucks for someone to customize it, but everything was thrifted at a fraction of retail costs).
  • I’m a decent painter (house type) and excellent painter (art type).
  • I’m stronger and smarter than your average bear. (Thanks Yogi)
  • I care, about everyone, often more than they do about me.
  • I have ethics. (That has manifested several times in recent years where I removed myself because someone would have cheated on a monogamous spouse/partner. Polyamory is about open consent, not cheating.) (Also applies to client relationships, I’ll never break board ethics just because I find someone attractive- though every great once in a while I’m very tempted.)
  • I’m a great driver having literally millions of miles under my belt combining professional and personal miles.
  • I’m an okay auto mechanic having replaced: fuel filters, radiators, electronics, spark plugs, water pumps, and headlamp casings. Even having changed tires and done oil changes regularly. The only things that get me are belts (I usually get frustrated and give up on those) and anything needing an engine or whole car lift- if I don’t have the proper tools I can’t do it.
  • I’m doing okay on self-help/self-improvement as well. I haven’t eliminated depression or my temper, but I have much greater control than when I left my parent’s home. Even when I do loose control, I have a much much shorter refractory period to regaining sanity.

That’s a good list for this post. I need to categorize posts like this so it’s easier to go back and reference them when I need a boost. … I’ll add it to the bottom of my to-do list.

May you all have interestingly helpful notifications. May you all find rest and rejuvenation. May you have time in nature when you need it. May you feel better through fixing puzzle pieces. May you have ease and comfort in your experience. May you find the good in yourself. And may we all find ways to improve ourselves and our experience.

Siva Hir Su

So I lied… The truth.

There’s always an upswing for me now, and the refractory period has shortened significantly, in fact this one kinda surprised me. When that happens, I find my desire to write again. I move from writing to clear thoughts, to brief decompression, to loving to write for progress and forward momentum.

The truth is:

  • I want to desire only that which is good for me.
  • I want to love myself first.
  • I will always cycle around to putting my self first, even if it takes some time.
  • I am seeing where other’s stupidity slows me down. I may give of myself easily and love others completely, but I’m seeing how I keep letting myself get hurt because of that. Enough is enough, if they don’t reciprocate I’ll love them from afar and they can come grovel when they find their senses.
  • I am seeing where no one will ever value me as much as I value myself, especially in business.
  • I am learning that if I really value myself, I must put my goals, hopes and dreams first, and focus enough that I remind myself that some of my desires are not good for me.
  • I care about doing things I love and rewarding myself appropriately… Mmm maybe that is in the form of a good distraction, maybe one of the people I met at Sunday’s coffee hour can help with that.
  • I care about examining the myriad of ways something could fall on the spectrum of good or bad for me and taking action only after determining that it’s mostly good.

The message of today was VB. I saw it everywhere, and autocorrect even started putting it in my written text. I had Nathan look it up since I was working 2 different buildings. He came up with a stock option and visual basic.

I already am working with stocks as much as my budget allows which isn’t much, so the stock purchase will have to wait.

I’m not a computer programmer, and work far outside of IT, so I’m not certain I’ll jump into learning visual basic, but I did extrapolate that message into needing to take the next steps in developing the visual imagery of my program: Atira.

For me that translates into a few things.

  • Finish the floor plans for the dome.
  • Redo/update the map I made of Atira 12 years ago.
  • Start creating the images for my CEU courses, and obviously write the courses.
  • Start revamping my ages old marketing materials for Atira CEUs and other workshops, especially now that we’re close to having a functional space large enough for Reiki courses and workshops. (Being a graphic designer in addition to massage therapist definitely has its perks, I know how to design my own marketing materials and get them printed at the lowest costs!)
  • Begin handing out cards again and let my buildings know I’m almost ready to accept more contact work again. (Need to finish getting settled first.)

I am fortunate enough to be in a place where my integrity and reliability proceed me. My word of mouth reputation is invaluable in this city. I’m also very fortunate to be in a current contract set-up that is flexible enough to enable me to adjust schedules as needed. As each new contract appears I’ll slide them in where convient, and it’ll just reduce availability at the clinic I contract with, a minor inconvenience. Right now that’s no problem as I have plenty of days with ample downtime, so there’s plenty of time to spare. Depending on my alignment to the flow that could change slowly or quickly. If slowly they’ll have ample time to adjust with me. If quickly, I’ll just find a replacement for myself, though I guarantee a replacement won’t be as good. All the good therapists in this city are like me and happily self-employed, most working from home.

It’s not my intention, as like the activities job, I tend to give far more notice and assistance than they earn. So, I fully expect they’ll have plenty of time to adjust and make their own choices.

It seems God has me on a fast track. I’m okay with that and doing my level best to keep up.

“I’m ready, to be ready, to be ready.” – Abraham Hicks

May you find your realignment quickly. May you find yourself ready, to be ready, to be ready. May you see opportunities where once were hurts. May you see your fast track and keep up with it. May you find the way to your goals and dreams. May you have all the energy, knowing, and confidence to allow yourself your own success.

Many blessings, and be well. We’re all in this thing called life together, and even in moments of doubt I know God is rooting for us to ‘fight the good fight’ and pull through.

Siva Hir Su

And it has begun.

This is just a quick update. I took most of the day off to begin unpacking and making our new house our home. We’re completely out of the rental and the key was returned Monday. Tuesday we took a short shopping trip to one of my less preferred home improvement stores to get supplies for today. Knowing there were a few items needed to accommodate my office and finishing Anya’s bedroom. Anyways, Nathan snapped a few pictures of me in different aspects because he thought they illustrate how complex I am, especially as a grouping. He confessed he has a whole bunch of Treasa shots.

The first was me pulling the cart as I tracked down the items I needed. That particular isle, I was in search of cheap 2×4’s for studs to close up a superfluous doorway the previous owner started to put in.

The 2 pictures after that was Katherine trying to follow me downstairs and then my having to luer her back upstairs with a shake and a book.

Finally, was a shot he took of my decompression at dinner Wednesday. I had a less than stellar final appointment with an elderly lady that left me with a headache, so I took the few moments waiting on our gluten/dairy-free pizza to massage my temples and scalp. It was good relief.

I look forward to having lots of great pictures to share after today’s work. I’ll get them up ASAP.

May you all have goodly complex days and plenty to do. May you enjoy your days more than not. May you feel your progress. May you feel loved, supported, and appreciated.

Siva Hir Su

Flip side.

I’m having a rough week. Multiple Allergic reactions causing me to have to fight my brain again. Feeling like this journey is far too familiar at this point and wondering why I’ve not managed to heal my body enough to let it subside.

It’s the holidays, I’d like to be able to celebrate without this horrible aftermath. Perhaps it’s my fate, perhaps I’m just not there yet. Regardless, I’m refusing to have that 3rd child God has nagged me about until I find enough healing to be more capable of having a birth like I did with Ian.

I don’t have answers, as I have educatedly guessed my way this far. Doctor’s don’t even want to try. Especially when there’s no juicy insurance policy to take advantage of and it’s a difficult puzzle anyways. So much for all knowing, all healing, godlets. More like greedy lazy bastards.

So, I am going to focus intently for a bit here. The goal to reach for the believable flip side of my allergy reaction induced negativity.

  • My efforts do matter, if to no one else, to me and my cells.
  • I much prefer feeling good and being able to be positive more easily.
  • I’m doing far better than I was a few years ago.
  • My changes may not be visible to others, but I know some signs are: less acne, less rosacea, less pain, less bloating, less gas, less fat, more muscle, less depression, generally feeling well being more often.
  • I am strong. I can leg press my husband, and probably drop kick others. (Ahhh… Garfield & Odie… my old pals…. I AM Garfield- except he at least got to enjoy lasagna.)
  • I am intelligent, I have solved far more of my puzzle than anyone else. I’ve met literally dozens of people including many doctors that only found a singular tiny element, which alone accomplished nothing. Only when I started putting many elements together did it make any difference. And… None of them helped with the assembly, I did it myself. My Nathan helped maintain once things were figured out, and for that I’m grateful.
  • I still have 2 strong hands, 2 strong capable legs, and my intelligent brain, all to keep trying.
  • I know how to let healing energy flow and I intend that every night just before bedtime, healing energy will fill my body, it will heal my pancreas, heal my liver, melt fat, calm inflammation, and soothe my immune system back into only fighting germs.
  • God’s energy can and will tell my cells that foods won’t kill me, that my immune system can leave them be and my liver can clean out the excess.
  • I exercise so much these days, and that has to count for something. I may not be able to see it myself, but I know exercise is generally very good and helpful, so somehow it is helping me.
  • I care because of me. I’ve come this far, I could give up, but don’t want to. I can’t see the boat, but I know it has to exist, I just have to tread water long enough for it to get in my sights.
  • Every time I maintain my level of completely clean eating, I feel better, that’s how I know it’s working and helping. At some point the scales will tip, and minor infractions will be too insignificant to cause such difficult aftermath.
  • I have done so much already, I can keep doing this. Considering my odds, I have exceptional willpower.
  • I am an exceptional person.
  • I am a caring person, and that’s how I’m able to see the affects allergies have on me. They cause me to behave differently than my true self. I want to heal enough to always be my better self.

Is it possible to redefine holidays to take food out of the equation? Can I find the joy without a stitch of food in my experience? If I don’t go to anyone else’s celebrations maybe. Yet another opportunity to do it on my own. C’est la vie.

I’ll leave you with a view of the same salad I’ve eaten probably 6 times in 2 weeks. When I eat clean, options are very limited. It gets boring, but every time I try to enjoy food it ultimately pays me back later.

May your body and your life allow you to enjoy food. May you always find a way to be your better self. May you have a calm immune system that only fights disease. And finally, may you have joyous holiday celebrations with friends and family and feel your belonging in this world.

Siva Hir Su