Tag Archives: improving

Pain+Endorphins=Stupidity

So my dad has been gone for a week now. There is much relief on the stress front there.

I also talked to the acupuncturist and she helped me see another adjustment needing to happen with my supplement regimen. That took a couple days to take effect, but it has also helped with stress reduction.

Then on Thursday, the supplement adjustment had not started to shift yet, and I had a heavy day of massage work. It was my second heavy day in a row, and my next to last client that day was my heaviest work to be had.

That client is a 6’5″ 350-ish pound guy. Tall and stocky, and his left leg had locked up weeks ago. I’ve been slowly chipping at loosening his pelvic girdle for 2 months now and feel like I’m chipping at a brick wall. His quads have shrunk, hamstrings are weak and spasm, and his TFL, obturator muscles, and piraformis are solid inflexible masses. It’s a difficult combination on a small person, let alone a big guy- I know because it is a fairly common combination.

So, I literally stand or kneel on his hip as I’m able. The one side of my table I can hold onto the window frame to balance myself to accomplish that. However, the other side of my table has nothing stable enough within reach to stand on him. So when I turn him over the only safe option is my elbow.

I had it in my mind, that like my own mess, I should have accomplished more for him by now. I was determined to make more progress.

I wailed on him and felt like I didn’t even dent anything. Finally, I was trying to stretch his TFL out and had his knee raised. I was pushing his raised left knee towards his right knee with my left hand, while putting as much of my full body weight as possible into my right elbow perched on his TFL. There was only an inch or two of movement, paultry results.

I decided to try and up the pressure on both ends of the stretch and pushed with all my might, engaging my core to really focus the directional force. 3 seconds into the push I felt a very uncomfortable crunch at the front of my right shoulder. Ouch.

My time was almost up with the session, so I lowered his knee and proceeded to finish working, just using my left elbow to my best ability.

Afterwards, I put Biofreeze on my shoulder immediately and proceeded to impale it on the one hand rail just outside my office. I winced and the office manager noticed. She kept saying I needed to utilize others available in the office, finally telling me to go get the one chiropractor. He has more soft tissue experience and she was confident he could help.

When I got his attention he asked what I wanted him to do. At that point I was definitely in pain and endorphins were kicking in. I said “I don’t fucking know, we both have clients in 5 minutes and it hurts. I just need to finish my day.”

He said he would do some soft tissue and told me to lie face up. I started to position myself and realized my normal way to do that involved the hurt shoulder, so I sort of fell onto the table, at which point he and the office manager teased me for being a bull in a china shop.

As he worked on my arm there was a steady stream of explatives. He tested strength to make sure I hadn’t fully torn anything. Then he checked attachments and positions to glean that I had injured my right bicep, and irritated my pectorals. Inflammation was already significant and as he worked it only got worse, it’s the normal side effect of working on impacted muscles. Inflammation aside, my response was cussing and more cussing with apologies sprinkled about.

I did my last massage that day while wearing an ice pack. Friday was lighter, but I again worked under ice, and both he and the acupuncturist worked on my arm in-between clients.

At home, I iced and soaked in Epsom salts. Friday evening I did cups- Everywhere! See:

This is after receiving a 90 min deep tissue about a week and half prior, and my husband working on my shoulders 4 days prior.

Needless to say even though I can handle the heavy load of the last two months, it pisses my muscles off in a big way.

I suspect I will need 2 more salt baths and another round of cups before I am able to return to normal functionality with my right shoulder.

I have also learned a valuable lesson.

Sometimes it doesn’t matter how strong you are, some things will still be outside of your abilities. I was trying to be the miracle for someone that let something get too far out of control. Even the chiropractor reminded me that the guy is a mess, his phrase to help me feel better was “he’s even much for me, it’s like 2 bears wrestling in the forest”. I understood that there was no expectation that I could solve it quickly, and perhaps even at all. I need to be more mindful of my own limitations and not push myself so damn hard.

It’s a hard lesson when you grew up knowing you were never good enough, that no matter how hard you tried your father wanted better, different, stronger, smarter. I’m obviously still working on kicking my dad out of my head. And this physical experience was reminder that the biggest most important thing is to heal the emotional damage of my childhood that keeps creating these situations.

My trying harder is simply not the answer. If something is beyond my control or outside my abilities there is nothing I can do to change that.

My client likely needs manipulation under anesthesia or even full surgery to correct the level of damage present. but I can not make that decision for him. I can only do my best, without injuring myself, to help for now. Then make suggestions for other options moving forward. So next time I see him, I will go easier on myself and just do as much as is possible.

As for my own abilities, I am pretty damn strong. To push with all my might, every muscle in my body working, and only strain my bicep is huge. Others might have really seriously injured themselves. As it is, I’ll be fully healed in a couple of weeks and even stronger than before. This was merely a reminder to give myself a break and back off a little.

It was also a reminder that I work with good people that really do care about me as a person. They were genuinely concerned about my welfare and helping me correct and make it through. They continue to be concerned that the healing process is progressing properly. That is exactly the kind of clinic I have always wanted. It makes me hope that one day soon I’ll be able to help build the clinic even more in other ways. Only time will tell if my thoughts and daydreaming on that subject will matter.

For now I am going to do exactly what the good doctor ordered. Back off on the schedule and take care of myself so it’s days instead of weeks of healing. I’m keeping ice on it as much as possible, and he said by tomorrow it should be safe to incorporate some heat. More cups and epsom salts as necessary. At this point the constant pain has subsided and I only feel it burn after use, which is totally normal. I will be healed quickly if I stay on top of my homework.

May you have gentle reminders for self care and going easy on yourself. May you always know your limits and keep yourself safe. May you heal quickly when your limits are tested. May you heal your emotional traumas so that your life gets easier and easier. May you know your worth and that others value you. May you see that others care and support you even when you have stupid moments. May you know that you are valuable and that God wants the best for you. May you find ways to express your gratitude for those that help you. May you know exactly how to repay kindness received. May you have more good days than bad and may all your lessons be gentle. May you know you are loved and supported by God and those in your life.

Siva Hir Su

On the surface I screwed up.

Side note: The hip/low back is not solved yet. Still in progress, but better. I will revisit it after my short shift this afternoon. For now I sit on ice.

The second topic for today is a mistake, which wasn’t a complete mistake.

On the surface I scared an older clinic client on accident. She came in nervous about the virus, and hesitant because she didn’t know me and usually saw one of the other therapists. I tried to soothe her nerves and it backfired. She got more agitated and decided to not do the massage.

So my mistake was in words intended to soothe but which failed to do so. But it caused the clinic to loose a paid appointment and the chiropractor to have an uncomfortable phone call the following day. For that I’m truly sorry, and have apologized profusely for it. I own it completely and would have done the call if it hadn’t been for the caller’s specific request.

Where it is not so much a mistake and important for me to acknowledge, is that I got what I wanted. I law of attractioned myself some fine tuning.

I realized later that all of my clients that I really enjoy working with are nearly the opposite. They are mostly healthy and always aiming for improvement, and none of them are afraid of much, let alone viral news. They are all confident in their being a part of a functioning society and life in general. I really appreciate that immensely.

Because I am so appreciative of those clients, I have attracted fewer and fewer of the opposite like the one I scared. I currently don’t have any of my nursing homes, my house calls are down to 3, and one of them spaced way further out than normal. And clinic clients that are scared generally aren’t scheduling with me to begin with, and really never did at all.

Yet at the same time I have had a gaggle of new clients that have all become regulars or at least repeat clients. A couple have admitted financial limitations, but promised they will reschedule as they are able.

So I had an uncomfortable moment with a perceived loss that ultimately helped me to acknowledge that I have stayed busy enough without any scardy cats scheduling. That feels good and like relief.

Please don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate anyone that has bought into the fear. In fact I feel rather sorry for them and wish I could help. But this failed appointment also reminded me that sometimes you can’t fix something for someone else even if you want to. We were so far apart in vibrational alignment that she simply could not hear me and find ease. She could not reach for a soothing place. Additionally, it would have taken me down and been very difficult on me to drop to her level. That is something I am beginning to see simply isn’t worth it. I like improvement enough that I would rather keep reaching for better, than drag myself down trying to help others find their version of better.

Lately, I even dislike conversations where people want me to commiserate with them. I find I either end up going silent, doing the “uh hmm’s”, or politely arguing with them. The latter being my least preferred response because I don’t benefit from upset clients. Sometimes though I know something so strongly to my core that I simply can’t tolerate someone trying to convince me otherwise, on the table or not. I just try to stay polite and keep it short and move on to other topics.

So all in all, my fine tuning means:

  • I’d prefer scared people to just not schedule with me at all. Same goes for people that want to commiserate or argue.
  • If they must schedule with me, then keeping their fears or arguments to themselves is important.
  • I’m perfectly okay with quiet and/or silent sessions.
  • I much prefer confident healthy people on my table.
  • I enjoy friendly people that have good conversations (I’ve had several lately over fitness, meditation, nutrition, and alternative healing choices, I like that a lot.)
  • I enjoy finding common ground with those on my table.
  • I like the relief of knowing I can help someone because we’re closer in vibrational alignment.
  • I like repeat clients a lot.
  • I like having a full schedule.
  • I really like people with stable enough finances that they tip well, and I repeat my many thank you’s for those I’ve already received.
  • I enjoy a good challenge in my work, just not so much of a challenge that it depletes me for other sessions.
  • I enjoy knowing that I am able to solve many muscular based concerns and that I know when clients need to seek additional help. I am also very grateful I have qualified chiropractors & acupuncturists to refer to in office, and other types of providers outside of the office. That is especially helpful when my skills are not enough to solve client concerns.
  • I am grateful that I have a steady flow of clients and income.
  • I am grateful for the relief I have felt this last year and look forward to more of that.
  • I am glad that I keep getting stronger and healthier to keep doing the work that I enjoy.
  • I also enjoy having the graphic design work on the side to help have more income without exhausting myself.
  • I have immensely enjoyed having time with my kids and husband and pets, and time in my garden is good too.
  • I am grateful for the knowing that I am mostly in the flow of that which is wanted and that the universe is supporting me.
  • I look forward to even more improvement.

May you all have your fine tuning moments of acknowledgement. May you see where you goofed and know how to attract corrections. May you appreciate your world and your place in it. May you continue to help move society forward. May you feel mostly good and have just the right clients continue to flow into your experience. May you have the help you need and the things you seek. May you have more fun in the process. May your skills be evident and acknowledged by others. May you feel loved and appreciated.

Siva Hir Su

Photo is not me, obviously if you’re a regular reader, but it was the closest stock image to a real massage. I dislike the images where clients are not on the table right, or it’s obviously a posed scene, it perpetuates rediculous sterotypes and misconceptions. Just FYI.

Nutrition happiness and back pain

So, this is going to be a double post day. I had two distinct topics I’ve wanted to write on for a couple of days now, but not had the time to do so. This morning I have off since it’s a holiday weekend, but I do work this afternoon at the fill in job. I’m going to attempt to get both posts done before needing to be at work.

This topic: Health journey

My morning has started with editing a pending shirt design, and then spending almost 30 min inverted.

Beyond the amusement factor, especially once cats tried to sit in my lap, I was trying to solve my back pain.

It has returned, but to a lesser degree. It had gone away, and I thought it was safe to resume working out. I did a mild run/walk only 35min, my minimum I aim for to trigger the anti-inflammatory chemistry in my body and brain. Then knowing I’ve had muscle spasms and back pain went to do yoga to stretch my hip flexors. I was doing good, and felt like things were releasing. I went to roll to my side to sit up and it spasmed again. Ouch.

I tried rolling the other direction and nothing. Okay.

Somewhere the imbalance of muscle tightness is causing muscles to spasm in a very particular way. I still feel like psoas and/or iliacus is to blame, but it’s manifesting in a less usual pattern. My obliques on the left are super tender and serratus posterior inferior has a trigger point flared in response to the primary concern. It’s just a huge mess.

After my yoga last night I foam rolled, but that only gets the superficial and 2nd layers of muscle. Then I had Nathan work on me to start chipping at the deeper layers of muscle. It helped but didn’t solve the problem.

So this morning I inverted to stretch the deepest layers.

That was more beneficial. I still have yet to release a band of muscle that I can feel, but can’t access by myself and I’m having difficulty explaining to my husband how to get to it without agony.

I’ve done it hundreds of times for others, and know the particular angle and way to apply pressure to reduce pain levels, and know it’s possible. Yet when you’re the subject and the teacher at the same time, it’s crazy.

It’s something like this: deep breath, gesture to approximate area, as he jabs I start telling him up/down/left/right/closer to the spine/etc in between gasps for air because of intense pain. I have no idea what angle his hands are at or what his posture is, or how to tell him to adjust what he is doing for it to hurt less. I’m just having to grin and bear it.

It’s been consistent enough I even considered it being kidney related. Yet if I had a kidney infection or stone it would be worse pain that would be consistent regardless of position or movement. This definitely is affected by movement and sometimes is barely noticable.

So I’m doing a salt bath and will have Nathan take another stab (pun intended) before I head into work. Hopefully my teacher half will do better so my subject half feels better. I’m also working with those Louise Hay affirmations for back pain.

Nutrition improvement.

In the other news I’ve been doing really well nutritionally. No chocolate, no grains, and extremely minimal legumes (black beans twice), even my nut/seed intake is way less and no walnuts or almonds.

Pretty much every day looks like this:

That’s 4 to 5 snack meals, depending on whether I split the veggies/peanut-butter into two. The salad dressing is homemade and has been covering about 8 of these little salads. I’ll put recipes at the end.

I still have breakfast shake and a 2nd shake later around lunch time (minimal protein and mostly green powder in coconut milk). Then dinner varies, but is all veggies like this:

So calories are as minimal as is safe. I’m not quite to the 300 calorie guy I saw interviewed in highschool, but my activity level is much higher than his was.

What is different is all the supplements that ensure adequate nutrition and boost the processes I need healing in.

  • RX Armour Dessicated Thyroid- low dose 1/day, first thing on empty stomach
  • 2 OTC allergy meds- 1x/day
  • Really good probiotic (refrigerated), 2/day
  • 3 ways to get magnesium, 8-10 pills distributed through my day
  • Bromelain and Enzyme complex for digestive support and to kill unwanted ickies- 1x/day first thing AM
  • Turmeric for anti-inflammatory, 2 pills 4x’s/day
  • Estrogen and Progesterone OTC partly for Thyroid function and partly for known hormone imbalances 1 dose/day
  • Vitex, helps balance hormones, 3/day
  • Saw Palmetto (4 doses/day) and Hyaluronic Acid (1 dose/day) to help repair my skin as I lose weight
  • Iron- I’m a woman and it helps thyroid function 1/day
  • Good quality prenatal- it’s the best ‘covers all the bases’ vitamin I have access to 1 dose= 1 pill 3x/day
  • Calcium: half tab, I only take it 2-3 times a week to aid magnesium absorption, otherwise I get too many leg cramps
  • Evening Primrose oil good source of GLA and helps hormone balance
  • Maca helps balance everything and give energy boost, 3/day
  • Omega-3 Fish Oil, aids brain, anti-inflammatory, 4/day
  • Chlorella, chellator for detox, 6 at dinner with some source cilantro
  • Vitamin C, helps immune system and absorb iron, 1/day with the iron
  • Cinnamon, Bitter Mellon, Vanadium, Gymnemea Sylvestre, Nopal Cactus, Berberine, ALA- all help with glucose management and can help heal pancreatic damage, 1 to 4 doses/day depending¬† my needs except Vanadium- only ever take that 1/day
  • Finally, Keto BHB, mineral salts shown to help shed fat. I started it when everything else was very slow to show improvement, I’ve only taken it for 5 days, so we’ll see. 3 at bedtime.

So essentially, what I’m not spending on food has gone to supplements. Most of them I’ve known for a long time and I’ve essentially added back everything I did while pregnant. Pricy, but worth the results. The only one I’m unsure of is the new BHB, hopefully it stands up to is reputation and becomes worth it.

My goal is to heal my body and eventually not need any of this except the super healthy food.

So for those dressing recipes:

Blueberry vinegrette:

  • Half pint blueberries
  • Tsp Apple Cider vinegar
  • Water (~4oz)
  • Stevia to tase (1 to 2 servings)
  • Blend with immersion blender and bottle it

Honey Mustard:

  • Tsp mustard powder
  • Tbsp or 2 vegan soy free mayo
  • Tbsp honey
  • Tsp Apple Cider vinegar
  • Salt pinch
  • Stevia (sometimes need to add when I get carried away with the mustard powder)
  • Water (~3 oz)

Dairy free Coconut Cream Ranch is another I use, but I make it following a recipe already found online. I also use a clean poppy seed dressing that’s available in grocery stores here in KC. Plus there are several green goddess type clean dressings to be found that are AIP friendly.

May you enjoy your multiple salads. May you accept eat to live over live to eat. May your health improve. May you heal your body. May you figure out solutions for your pains. May you feel good mostly. May you feel better in every way. May you know you are supported. May you have exactly what you need.

Siva Hir Su