I finished my Hamsa ink drawing. It is 3.5″ x 4″, micron pigma pen on cold press watercolor paper. Progression and finished image below.
I started 2 new art projects.
One is another small ink drawing for fun, I’ll probably finish on Saturday… Maybe the one after, we’ll see. It is of a Hamsa.
The other is a drawing of a furry friend of a really good and kind person that really needed a major pick-me-up. She just happens to be a friend and coworker and the person treating my husband weekly. Her dog is named Herky, short for Hercules, he was a gentle giant of yellow lab. She deserves a good image so I’m doing my best to be meticulous. I also know for certain that she will appreciate my work and treasure it, where past gifts to family were not (going back years).
Thirdly, I felt the need to make a short-ish statement. I do not hate individuals working in medicine as a generalization. Most of them are doing their best with the information and tools they were trained on. They are all trained on specific rules and procedures in a specific system. I have several clients that are really good people doing their best in an effed up system, and are willing to admit the failings of their profession (s).
What I do hate is the system. I do hate the ones that half ass their jobs and don’t do things they know should be done. I do hate the ones that assume that everything they were trained on was all they ever needed to know, and write off anything else as being helpful. I hate the ones that learn the basics, but if the basics fail they have no idea what else to do. Those are the ones that do a great disservice to everyone they work with. Those are the people that could have killed me. I know without a shadow of a doubt that if I had done what those “medical professionals” had said was good enough, then I would already be dead.
Up until 7 years ago I danced with death more than I didn’t. Everything they had said had failed many times over and I had regularly contemplated suicide, and tried a half dozen times unsuccessfully. Their antidepressants did nothing to help. Metformin didn’t help. I was in serious pain mentally and physically and 300 pounds.
I needed a solution or I was going to die very young.
I did research on alternatives based on loose suggestions and friend’s, even stranger’s journies. I figured out, and started fixing, my own thyroid disease and then those doctors told me I was being dangerous. That iodine (an essential nutrient) was too risky, that I should just take a generic dose of synthroid and behave. It failed and I almost killed myself again, driving 90mph towards an overpass pylon, with my 3 month old child in the carseat behind me. Angels saved me and Ian that day.
I vowed to fix it, so my child never had to go through that.
And I’m getting there, not only an I healing my thyroid, I’m healing the root cause too. It’s slow, but sure as I’m sitting here writing this post, I am certain I am. Even without the precious IV treatments that would speed it up. I now have evidence to show for it.
I’m much smaller, only slightly lighter though, still holding at a little over 200, but much more muscle and much less fat. My skin stays clear, my mild dietary fails hurt less. My skin is shrinking slowly. And most of all, my dances with death are now very few and very far in between. My temper is still there but much less destructive, and I’m learning to control myself especially including my strength. I can’t even begin to convey how much more stable my brain function is and how much less dark it is than it used to be. I’m a better person in many ways. It is my proof.
Now I’m doing my best to teach my husband and children, to help them through their lives. Nathan already knew a lot of what I was doing and why, but now that he has increased reasons to try, he’s making an even more concerted effort to keep up with my standards for myself.
All of this has made me grateful that me and Ian almost died. I made a solmn vow and I intend to keep it.
I’m grateful that doctors failed me because I’ve proven that you can heal yourself and fix yourself with enough research, effort, and loving support. I’m grateful that I had just enough inspired moments to keep me alive and keep me trying again and again. I’m grateful that the divine has guided me though a very difficult and complex set of bodily functions to unravel my health concerns and point me towards healing. I’m grateful that even though I’m unable to accomplish the IV treatments, that I’m smart enough to figure out the next best things. I’m grateful that I’ve strengthened my willpower to be able to stick to things enough to help heal my body. I’m grateful for all of it, because it shows everyone aware of me, that there is always an alternative and there is always a solution- if you stay open to it.
May you see the scary and upsetting moments in your life in the best light. May you know your worth and that your efforts really have mattered. May you find your healing. May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.
This will fulfill 6th through 10th prompts of: rodent (mouse), fancy and teeth (sugar skull), throw (dice), and hope (crucifix).
My goal was a Covid inspired, Halloween friendly, momento mori.
Sometimes life is a dice roll and you never know when you’ll get the final call. The crucifix is to remind us to have faith that whether it’s now or later God has our back, so to speak.
May you have good relieving creative moments. May you enjoy your artwork of choice. May you find ways to add to our world in helpful and/or beautiful ways. May you know God has your back.
Siva Hir Su
I am a work in progress, but aren’t we all.
However, this week has been challenging to see any such progress.
I didn’t get a chance to do any InkTober drawings after the 5th, and even that one didn’t get finished on the 5th. I didn’t get all my exercise in. I didn’t get my salt bath last night. My arms and hands hurt, and frankly a lot of my body hurt, that is why I failed to exercise. I was tired all week, and the fatigue was so intense that two days it caused a drop in mood as well.
I did ask for help. I received acupuncture twice and an adjustment today. My husband worked on me despite having a million other things on his to-do list. I used mechanical tools to work on myself and rested more than usual. I also managed to stay very clean on food choices, especially since I know this mess started because of food fails.
Instead of continuing my 7 day a week work journey, I cleared Sunday. I also cleared part of my Tuesdays to have a few extra hours to myself.
Mondays I’m now functional as office staff for the clinic, and this week it was a good thing because I almost ended up alone. The front desk person was in a nasty car accident over the weekend and the friend/office manager wasn’t really at full capacity from chemo. But the two of us managed to get through the day with a minimum of difficulty.
Saturdays are still split between the clinic and the independent living building. The rest of the week is all massage. Regardless of where or when, I continue to do my best to spread love and healing with all my activities and interactions.
It’s a lot, but I want to help, for God and for good, so I do. I know it could be worse because my past has had worse if both extremes (too much and too little). I’d rather keep doing what I’m doing than risk too little again.
Autumn is now out of the hospital and Nathan has been helping her with several things during the day. She is more ambulatory now than we were originally concerned about, and KU Med was finally able to get the MRSA infection under control. She will now receive a weekly infusion treatment of an experimental drug which so far seems to be doing the job nicely. Her thumb was the last surgery done, and she was worked on by skilled plastic surgeons, so instead of loosing the thumb, it’s now just a fraction of an inch shorter and more slender than her other hand, but infection free.
She has many challenges, but amidst the chaos of the medical predicament, her wife has agreed to mariage counseling. So, their divorce which was sidelined by the medical situation continues to be in forbearance. She is unsure of moving forward, so she’ll stay with us at least short term to figure out post hospital treatments and what might happen with her wife.
I told Nathan that I simply wanted to help and if we see her through all the way, it’s great, but if we merely get her started that is okay too. God knows what is best for both her and our desire to help.
Some days I wonder what I’m doing, and why I keep pushing. Others I simply know exactly why.
My feminine half wants to slow down, and my masculine half knows I can’t, at least not yet. I must keep going a little while longer.
My masculine half wants to finally heal and be the slender Venus I desire. My feminine half knows I may never fix it and need to quit being so damn hard on myself.
My masculine half needs to strive to be better, do more, be stronger, be healthier, push and push, to try and make up for all the times I wasn’t good enough. My feminine half knows that sometimes we’re not able to do or be something because it’s simply not our job, not our responsibility. You can’t fix everything, that is why we need to look to God and allow the divine forces to do things for you.
But the I wasn’t raised that way, my parents rarely trusted God, and usually it was my mom demonstrating all the trust in divine will. So I keep trying and weeks like this feel insurmountable. I want to trust, but when I’m so damn tried and achy it’s awfully hard to do so.
I see Autumn as a beautiful woman that has been horribly battered and beaten by life, and she needs to find her inner self and love and trust to be able to truly heal.
Saying those words I also see myself.
Yet, I know I have felt my inner being. I’ve heard my inner being. I know what that means. I love my inner being, and when I look at all the things I’ve lived through and overcome I do love myself.
I love how much I’ve strived to improve myself, not just for me, but for my whole family. I love that I never gave up, when many times I wanted to. I love that I fought depression and despite it nearly winning dozens of times, it never actually did. Despite two decades of a depression ridden brain telling me I’d be better off dead, I have managed to live and find at least some healing.
At this point I feel like the exhausted sprinter that took third place. I feel like I could have and should have done better, but I made it far enough that I do deserve some kind of prize. Right now I just don’t know what that means, but I’m trying not to fall over before I get to find out.
I have one client left for the day, one of my house calls that I’m very tempted to not reschedule with. I definitely have trouble saying NO, especially when something helps me keep up with the never-ending snowball of finances, so off I go for one more hour.
May you see your inner beauty and trust yourself enough for healing. May you find a way to show love even when others choose not to see it. May you know your efforts matter in just the way God intends. May you find ways to help others around you even when you might need help yourself. May you find ways to take care of yourself and keep yourself functional to be able to keep doing more. May you put yourself first just enough to matter and show yourself some love. May you know that in the end it will all somehow be worth it. May you know God loves and supports you.
Siva Hir Su
Since I’m so busy I got caught in a two-fer moment. I saw the 3rd prompt of bulky and had trouble deciding what to draw. So much so that several failed attempts later, the 3rd was already drawing to a close, pun intended. I looked at the prompt for the 4th and saw radio.
Suddenly it hit me, boom-boxes from my childhood were bulky radios that people carried around the neighborhood to stir up some fun. It was a win win drawing, accomplishing both prompts and would count whether I finished it tonight or tomorrow.
As luck has it, I managed to finish this evening.
The original image is actually a screenshot of a modern duplicate of those old boom-boxes, but in my drawing I ignored the USB port and digital play buttons.
My drawing mostly done:
Finished image; micron pigma pen on Strathmore cold press watercolor paper. Approx. 3.75″ x 3.75″
I’m a hard critic on myself sometimes. The point at which I stopped to take the half done snapshot, I noticed the slight incongruences. I half wanted to start over, but stopped myself. I decided instead to comment that charcoal allows for corrections, but ink you either love your mistakes or start over. In this instance I choose to love my uniquely me mistakes. A bully radio boom-box from my childhood.
May you have good creative moments with less self criticism. May you enjoy your moments of creativity and go easy on yourself. May you mostly have fun, drawing or not.
Siva Hir Su