Tag Archives: inner conflict

Apologies on the poetic tangents.

It’s been a weird week. I’m chalking it up to moving exhaustion (I’ve been working or moving belongings every day for 24 days straight), combined with injury healing process, combined with winter weather blues. My intuition is definitely off and causing problems for me, or at least the chain of events the last few days is implying.

I’m hoping others will find forgiveness if I go into hiding long enough. I mean no harm and when this stuff happens I definitely feel like I’m crazy which makes fighting the blues that much harder. I don’t actually believe I’m crazy. I’m very sensitive to things which can affect my brain function, and I’m sensitive to the unseen world but my ESP didn’t come with an owners manual and I can get things wrong, sometimes very wrong. I also tend to allow things in when they feel good and then can’t kick them out when that changes. I don’t know how to fix that.

This may be the entirety of my blogging for a while, I’m going to keep my words and thoughts to myself for a bit. I usually don’t talk much anyways, only conversing when necessitated and usually on benign topics. I use far more words when writing.

Eventually I’ll come out of hiding when it’s safe again. I’ll work myself back up and reach for better.

Suspicious inner conflict

I suspect I’m pregnant. Not sure, can’t bring myself to find out for sure.

I’ve had stress induced false symptoms before, and I’m hoping that’s what’s happening again.

First, I don’t feel ready for that journey again. It’s a very difficult journey for me with my particular genetic stew and practical desires for birthing. I want another home birth when it’s time because it was such a wonderful loving experience the first time, & the water was the perfect way to go for me.

However, for me that means nearly 10 months of very regimented sleep, eating, and exercise schedule. Meticulous food planning and healthy diet requirements, that most would cringe about. It’s very manageable, but takes a ton of support, and even more diligent efforts on my part.

Those are all things that are already dogging me to begin with. It’d mean likely needing to move back into the city and overhaul my schedule again. Which, if I am pregnant means a tight time frame for accommodating that.

Beyond that, it’s counter to the dream I had about the man, my other love interest. He’s supposed to be dad of baby 2, or so I thought. I’ve always trusted my intuition, and though I’m susceptible to doubt just as any other person, my intuition has never been wrong.

So, if I’m actually pregnant then that intuitive dream is off or inaccurate. That would be a first, and would likely cause me to doubt everything. I’m not up to that challenge either.

So, as much as I look forward to having a child again, sometime in the future. I’m not up to the challenge right now. I’m just not.

So I’m putting off finding out, hoping natural processes kick back in and things resume normal cycles. I’ve given myself 2 weeks to de-stress & work on righting necessary activities to encourage that. If at the end of 2 weeks, still nothing, then I’ll take a test.

If negative, patience with myself.

If positive, no clue. I’m just not ready.

I swear it’s like god waits for me to post blogs sometimes before answering me. Just finished at the gym & between writing my thoughts down & a really good workout, I’m back on track. Definitely NOT pregnant. Whew!